A Thing series directory/FAQ

A THING OF THE PAST:
A Thing of the Past: Prehistory (65,000,000 BC) (2019)
A Thing of the Past: Middle Ages (1313) (2023)
A Thing of the Past: High Seas (1693) (2019)
A Thing of the Past: The Demoness War (1723) (2022)
A Thing of the Past: Industrial Revolution (1813) (2022)
A Thing of the Past: Wild West (1883) (2019)
A Thing of the Past: Wild West 2 - What Lies Beyond (1884) (2023)
A Thing of the Past: Wild West 3 - Snake in the Grass (1885) (2023)
A Thing of the Past: Wild West 4 - Long Live the Queen (1886) (2023)
A Thing of the Past: Legitimate Business (1933) (2020)


A THING OF THE PRESENT DAY:
Memories of Nothing (2006) (2020)
Memories of Nothing Lasts Forever (2006 - November) (2022)
Memories of A Thing (2013) (2020)
Memories of One Thing Leads to Another (2013 - December) (2020)
Memories of Another Thing (2014) (2020)
It's Just One Thing After Another (2014 - December) (2017)
Memories of The Next Big Thing (2015) (2020)
Everything's Going to be All Right (2015 - December) (2017)
Memories of Anything and Everything (2016) (2020)
Memories of One of Those Things (2017) (2020)
Something to Talk About (2018) (2018)
The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread (2019) (2019)
Too Much of a Good Thing (2020) (2019)
Stranger Things Have Happened (2021) (2019)
One Thing to Remember (2022) (2020)
The More Things Change (2023) (2020)
The More Things Stay the Same (2024) (2022)
A Hallowed Thing (2024 - October) (2022)
A Thankful Thing (2024 - November) (2022)
A Yuletide Thing (2024 - December) (2022)
A New Thing (2025 - January) (2022)
A Beloved Thing (2025 - February) (2022)
Quite a Thing to Behold (2025) (2022)
A Thing of Beauty (2026) (2023)
A Heavenly Thing (2027) (2023)
A Wild Thing (2027 - October) (2023)
A Victorious Thing (2027 - November) (2023)
A Contentious Thing (2027 - December) (2023)
A Wise Thing (2028 - January) (2023)
A Passionate Thing (2028 - February) (2023)
The Thing to Know (2028) (2023)
Another Christmas Thing (2028 - December) (2023)
A St. Patrick's Day Thing (2029 - March) (2024)
Something to That Effect (2029) (2024)

NOT A MEMORY:
"jakey tonight is my weekly poker night with my favourite friends" "y-you mean i'm not your favourite friend?!" Sheriff Antony begins to sweat bullets. "no uh you're my best friend OBJECTIVELY but not my favourite" "o-oh okay that makes sense" Sheriff Antony wipes the sweat from his brow. "anyway i need you to hide in the air vents and tell me what my opponents' cards are; i usually have deputy orange do it but he came down with cholera so" "I'M ON IT" Jakey leaps into the air vent and waits for hours until poker night begins. "hello favourite friends and welcome to poker night" "wooh" "hooray" "yay" Everyone takes their seats around the table, and Jakey grabs his binoculars and walkie-talkie as the cards are dealt. "okay sheriff antony this guy's got pocket aces" "uh i fold" "me too" "also me" "aw" The next hand is dealt. Sheriff Antony eyes his pocket kings and unconciously pulls down his pants and begins to masturbate furiously in sheer ecstacy. "uh i fold" "me too" "also me" "aw man" "yo sheriff antony have you ever noticed that you have a slight tell when you get a good hand" "what do you mean" Sheriff Antony pulls up his pants and wipes his hands with a wet napkin. "well it's subtle but when you get good cards you kind of pull down your pants and rub one out and it's kind of like a geyser of semen" "i-i hadn't even noticed" Sheriff Antony excuses himself from the table and grabs a chastity belt from the shelf. "this ought to do the trick" Michelle gets up from the table, uncomfortable continuing without being able to spot the sheriff's tell. "take me home"

MEMORY [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey last night i went to bed all normal-like but when i woke up there were SEMEN STAINS ALL OVER THE BED THAT WEREN'T THERE BEFORE; i sent a sample of the semen to forensics and it came back as MY OWN SEMEN" "sleep-jerking is an epidemic these days" Jakey holds up a copy of the Alabama Enquirer with a cover story detailing this exact issue. "i am sure that isn't it" "but the alabama enquirer says-" "THE ALABAMA ENQUIRER IS NOT A TRUSTWORTHY NEWS SOURCE; IF YOU AREN'T GETTING YOUR NEWS FROM A KATHY PUBLICATION, YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE REAL NEWS" "s-sorry" "now the two of us must get to the BOTTOM of this mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling, landing on top of Jakey. "IT WAS YOU" "wha-what" Sheriff Antony quickly takes Erin's fingerprints, which match up perfectly with the prints found on Sheriff Antony's penis. "I'VE CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED YOU SLIPPERY BITCH" "ALL RIGHT i admit it; i wanted to help solve the mystery of the phantom ejaculation but since you seem to have done it on your own, i'm out" "oh no you're not" Sheriff Antony slaps handcuffs onto Erin, who immediately winks as she disappears into nothing. "GODDAMMIT; BEGIN A NATIONWIDE MANHUNT FOR THE MYSTERY LADY" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling straight onto Sheriff Antony, then runs off. "ONE COUNT OF PHANTOM EJACULATION, ONE COUNT OF RESISTING ARREST, ONE COUNT OF ASSAULT" "i'll get to it when i get to it" Kathy hangs up on Sheriff Antony. "now all we have to do is wait" Sheriff Antony begins to wait, and Jakey slowly exits the house. However, Jakey accidentally opens the door to the basement and falls down the stairs onto Michelle, who is folding laundry. "take me home"

MEMORY [Sheriff Antony]
"twelve a.m.; breakfast; the most important meal of the day, as they say; but as i pour my favourite breakfast cereal, holland oats, i dread the moment i have to pour the creamy white milk, for it always reminds me of the night i awoke to find another creamy white substance on my sheets; pulled from my own body before its time had come; those brave swimmers thought they'd be battling for vaginal supremacy, but instead they died cold and afraid on my sheets; do they hate me? would one of those brave swimmers have become the man that discovers the cure for cancer? these thoughts haunt me every day; though i was not responsible for their demise, i still feel as though i was, for they were safe in my care; i let my guard down, and they all died; i haven't slept since that fateful night, always on guard in case another wishes to kill my unborn children; i have created graves in a plot in my backyard for those that were lost in that terrible tragedy, giving each and every one of them names after having a scientist determine whether they carried with them an X or a Y; rest in peace, henry, jebediah, jedediah, hank, phyllyp, sheriff antony jr., scooter brown, 'iron jeff', calvin, and my only daughter, emily, with her theoretical innocent smile, bright blue eyes, and beautiful flowing blonde hair; she would have made a fine woman, as all the sons would have made fine men; i hope one day i will meet them in heaven above, but first i must bring this terrible criminal to justice" Sheriff Antony pounds his fist on the table. "ow" Michelle runs in with an ice pack for Sheriff Antony to rest his hand on and dull the pain, after which she turns to Jakey. "take me home"

Mission ___: Trapped by the Pap [Victorrhea]
"so what's up victorrhea" "oh it's great i just had a delicate operation performed on my pap" "what's a pap" "wait, you've never had your pap operated on?!" "i don't think i have one of those" "is that a canadian thing?" "uh maybe?" "so to run it down for you: the doctor delicately smeared my pap with precision and care" "i wasn't aware it was possible to smear something delicately" "that's why he's the doctor; i wouldn't trust just anyone to smear MY pap" "and what exactly does this accomplish" "it allows the specialists to determine the general health and happiness of my pap" "uh-huh" "jakey i'm worried about you; if your pap has never been smeared, you might be in real trouble" "i'm sure that if i had a pap to smear, i would have been informed of it earlier in life than at 32" Just then, Grace crashes through the door. "MILORD MIJAKEY HAVE I HEARD CORRECTLY?! YOUR PAP HAS NEVER BEEN SMEARED EVEN THE ONCE?!" "um yes?" "OH NO THIS IS TERRIBLE!!! luckily i've got my own home-smearing kit; i'm licensed by the board of canada to smear paps in case of emergency and this definitely qualifies" "uh-" "DISROBE" "wha-" "DISROBE I SAID" "but-" "jakey it's fine we're all adults here; we've all seen paps before and we don't have time to go anywhere else" "fine fine" Jakey disrobes. "what the fuck is that thing" "is that his pap?!" "i hope not; if so, that is the single most swollen pap i've ever seen" "i don't see anything else that could qualify as a pap here" "uh-" Grace quickly smears the could-be-pap. "AUGH WHY" "if a simple smearing hurts you that much, this is not a healthy pap" Grace puts the smearing wipe into her machine, and it outputs its reading. "'NOT A PAP'" "oh thank god" "good news and bad news: good news is that that is not your pap, so i'm going to assume that it's healthy because i have no idea what in the world it could be; bad news is that i have no idea where your pap could be" "oh um-" "i may have to make an incision" "UM THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY" "i'll go get the doctor and see if i can borrow a scalpel" Grace leaves the room, and Jakey attempts to escape. "that's not going to work; these walls are made of yard-thick titanium, and the windows are made of invisible yard-thick titanium" "WHY?!" "to prevent burglary; medical machines are expensive" "oh no no no no" Grace returns to the room, without a scalpel. "so uh egg on my face but apparently boys don't have paps to smear" "OH THANK GOD" Jakey collapses to the floor in relief. "that's uh really fucking weird" "i know right; i'd hate to have to live life without my pap" "word" Michelle enters the room, fresh from having her own pap-related operation. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 022: Catching Yourself Unawares [Sophia]
Jakey walks in to Sophia's apartment to find her setting down bear traps and covering them with rugs and blankets. "uh-" "oh jakey check it out when i accidentally step in a bear trap, it will also trigger a gigantic log to swing in and crush my head against the wall" "that sounds a lot very painful" "yeah well i've got to catch myself unawares to collect the bounty you know" "why not just shoot yourself in the head and get done with it" "i'm scared" "then just like stop" "..." "..." Sophia sets down another bear trap. "jakey if i stay dead, i want you to take care of mr shooty for me" "you're ridiculous" Sophia passes Mr. Shooty over to Jakey. Thinking this whole thing is retarded, Jakey aims Mr. Shooty at Sophia and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. "i thought sophia took care of this thing" As soon as Jakey moves the barrel away from Sophia, Mr. Shooty fires the round that Jakey shot. "what" "mr shooty would never hurt me; nice try though" Exhausted, Sophia falls down onto her bed. She forgot, however, that she placed bear traps all over the length of her bed, which crush her head, chest, and thighs. "ow" "that couldn't have felt too good" "yeah i really should have sprung for the expensive bear traps" Just then, Sophia's murphy bed springs upward, crushing her into the wall and killing her instantly. "you'd never catch me on one of those things" Jakey waits for Jezzie to appear to revive her subordinate. She doesn't. "well i guess sophia's dead, for good this time" Since Jakey told her about the contract, Jakey is technically responsible for her death, along with the person that requested the assassination. "welp time to collect my payout i guess" Jakey heads to the address on the contract, and finds Jezzie playing the organ. "wait what" "yes, i was the one who ordered the assassination of that assassin!!!" "why though she was working for you" "she was completely useless; she only managed to kill one guy and even that took her several tries" "she was doing her best" "well now she has actually HELPED me!!! now you've got blood on your hands!!!" "uh have you been paying attention? i've got lots of blood on my hands" "w-well THIS blood is like someone you cared about!!!" "eh" "EH?!" Jakey shrugs. "oh for fuck's sake" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and disappears. "HEY WHERE'S MY REWARD MONEY" A snapping noise is heard as a murphy bed falls onto Jakey, as well as Michelle. "oh god i thought i was going to be trapped in there forever; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mr. Shooty weapon]

idea was had on like the fifth or something
07 Dec 2022: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007
08 Dec 2022: 008, 009, 010, 011, 012
09 Dec 2022: 013, 014, 015, 016, 017
10 Dec 2022: 018, 019, 020, 021, 022
11 Dec 2022: 023, 024, 025

idea was had pretty much immediately after the Wild West trilogy but I didn't have an actual plot until July
11 Jul 2023: 001, 002, 003
12 Jul 2023: 004, 005, 006
13 Jul 2023: 007, 008, 009
14 Jul 2023: 010
15 Jul 2023: 011

A Wild Thing:
11 Aug: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007, 008, 009, 010, 011, 012, 013

A Victorious Thing:
12 Aug: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007, 008, 009, 010
13 Aug: 011, 012, 013

A Contentious Thing:
13 Aug: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007, 008, 009, 010, 011, 012, 013

A Wise Thing:
14 Aug: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007, 008, 009, 010, 011, 012
15 Aug: 013

A Passionate Thing:
15 Aug: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007, 008, 009, 010, 011, 012
16 Aug: 013

Another Christmas Thing
02 Dec: 001, 002, 003, 004, 005, 006, 007, 008, 009, 010
03 Dec: 011, 012, 013, 014, 015, 016, 017
04 Dec: 018, 019, 020, 021, 022, 023, 024, 025-1, 025-2
05 Dec: 025-3, 025-4, 025-5, 025-6, 025-7, 025-8, 025-9
06 Dec: 025-10, 025-11, 025-12, 025-13, 025-14
07 Dec: 025-15, 025-16, 025-17, 025-18, 025-19, 026

A St. Patrick's Day Thing
10 Jan: 001, 002
11 Jan: 003
12 Jan: 004
13 Jan: 005
15 Jan: 006, 007
16 Jan: 008
17 Jan: 009, 010
18 Jan: 011, 012
19 Jan: 013, 014
03 Feb: 015, 016
07 Feb: 017-1, 017-2, 017-3, 018
14 Feb: 019