Quite a Thing to Behold (2025)

Mission 001: Senjutsu [King Bran]
"well, it is finally upon us: the hellection to decide the next interim queen of hell until jezzie comes back a year from now and takes over hell again, like always" "who knows, maybe this time she'll have had a change of heart and decide to do something else" "sure, sure; so who are you going to vote for jakey" "i wasn't aware i was entitled to a vote, since i'm not evil" "you were the king of hell just last year" "yeah, but i got over it" "you talk about it like you came down with a disease" "how else would i talk about it?" "like you made a bad decision that will haunt you for the rest of your life" "nobody holds a grudge; everything worked out in the end" "fair enough i suppose; who are you voting for though" "i was hoping to not have to choose" "impossible; in hell, it's mandatory that every elligible voter vote (which now includes every single canadian citizen)" "what happens if someone chooses not to vote" "oh, the demonic hellection committee kidnaps you in a burlap sack and takes you to the polls and forces you to vote" "what if you truly, in your heart of hearts, haven't decided yet" "you blow up" "well i suppose i'd better spend the next month wisely" "maybe you could spend the time you normally use taking your sister home to study the issues" Michelle slaps King Bran across the back of the head. "don't listen to him jakey; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 002: Hell of a Time [King Bran]
"hey jakey have you heard this bootleg icelia jams tape? if i could vote in the hellection, i would totally vote for her after hearing it; i've even copied it and distributed it to all my subjects" Just then, Icelia bursts into the castle. "icelia!!! how nice to see you; i love your demo tape, especially your fresh interpretation of what a wonderful world" "CEASE YOUR LISTENING!!! ICELIA'S SONGS ONLY DESERVE TO BE HEARD AT ICELIA-SANCTIONED EVENTS!!!" "what" "every since time you listen to icelia's songs, you make them less special!!! the people who waiting in line for hours to get tickets to see icelia - their experience loses value if just anyone can hear icelia's music at any time of the day!!!" "that makes no sense" "look at you, listening to icelia in your pajamas" "this is my kingly robe" "disgusting; not only listening to icelia in anything less than your finest finery, but also listening to icelia on a tuesday?! FOR SHAME!!! everyone knows tuesday is the lowest of the low!!! icelia would never sing on a tuesday!!!" "WHAT tuesdays are great; it's thursdays that are worthy of contempt" "YOU DARE TO INSULT NOT ONLY ICELIA'S SONG, BUT ALSO THURSDAY IN ICELIA'S PRESENCE?!" Icelia attempts to freeze King Bran in place, but he is immune to ice-based attacks. "refreshing" "icelia WILL have icelia's revenge; just you wait until icelia's lawyer hears about this!!!" "i'll call my lawyer up right now to get ready" Icelia storms out of King Bran's castle in a huff. "she's a real piece of work that one, but she's got a great singing voice" "amen" Michelle walks into the throne room and gets her tongue stuck to King Bran's frozen throne. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions]

Mission 003: Icy Reception [Icelia]
"jakey can you believe this shit? icelia's lawyer can't take icelia's case!!!" "let me guess: she's also king bran's lawyer" "curse that natalie belrose!!! icelia needs RETRIBUTION!!! icelia WILL go to war over this if need be!!!" "you know, echidna released her own demo tape with nilla waphyr, and she lets everyone listen to it any time of the day/week/month/year" "echidna and icelia are very different demonesses; icelia's song is worth over 9000 of echidna's" "people tend to vote for people they like; and people like not being yelled at for listening to music on a tuesday" "the people will like what icelia tells them to like; icelia understands that the common rabble has never met someone of icelia's caliber, and it scares them; they want to treat icelia like every other demoness, but that is FOLLY" "you truly are one of a kind" "icelia thanks you for your understanding; that is exactly what icelia is trying to say" Michelle brings a box of confiscated Icelia bootlegs in, and throws them in the incinerator for the reward. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions/King Bran missions/Echidna missions/Nilla Waphyr missions]

Mission 004: A Worse Crime [Icelia]
"jakey you will not believe what icelia just witnessed; it almost made icelia pass out with sadness and rage!!!" "did someone make a campaign sign for you that spelled your name wrong" "thankfully not, but icelia witnessed the UNTHINKABLE!!! a radio station played icelia's song!!!" "i can see why you, specifically, would be upset about that" "yes, and now icelia, specifically, and you, also specifically, must go down to the radio station and HANG THAT JOCKEY OF DISCS FOR HER CRIMES!!!" Icelia snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear inside the radio station's headquarters. "and that was icelia's song; if any of you here are elligible to vote in the hellection, please vote for icelia so we can hopefully get more tracks like this one" "HALT RIGHT THERE" "oh, listeners; it appears that icelia herself has appeared inside the radio station; are you here to give our listeners an exclusive interview?" Icelia slaps the microphone out of Orelie's hands. "listen you despicable orcish jockey of bootlegged discs; icelia's song is for the times ICELIA decides; no one and icelia means NO ONE is allowed to hear icelia's song outside of an icelia-sanctioned event" "you're weird" "i'm not the one playing icelia's song without even consulting icelia; did you not think it was strange that icelia's song had to be bootlegged? if icelia wanted people to listen to icelia's song outside of icelia-sanctioned events, icelia would have released icelia's song on icelia's own" "it's free advertising for your campaign" Icelia slaps Orelie across the face. "icelia would rather receive no votes at all than have icelia's song plastered around like a cheap whore" "fine, i'll start playing echidna's song instead" "see that you do" Orelie picks her microphone back up. "i hope you all heard that; i would like to personally apologise for promoting icelia, as she is the worst being i've ever met, and i would honestly rather take a bath in sulphuric acid than spend another second talking to her" Michelle walks in, throws the Icelia bootlegs she'd made into the incinerator, just so she can claim the reward. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions]

Mission 005: A Lawful World [Natalie]
"natalie, you look awful" "i hope you're saying that as 'you normally look great, but not right now' rather than 'you're ugly'" "definitely the former" "well, i've been run ragged all summer; the demonesses keep suing eachother" "really?" "echidna sued lilith for killing thombus when he had tenure; lilith sued gremory for nearly drowning her by filling every room in the wicked chateau with water; gremory sued eleatrice for installing an electrical conductor in the wicked chateau's swimming pool so no one but eleatrice can go for a swim; eleatrice sued icelia for laying off anima, that dark elf necromancer; and icelia sued echidna for sampling icelia's song in echidna's new demo tape with nilla waphyr; and that's just last week" "are they trying to get eachother disqualified from the hellection" "that's a distinct possibility, but it's hell; being evil is a requirement to be queen" "do any of them hold up as something that could get someone disqualified" "lilith killing thombus is a legitimate concern; even in hell, they take tenure very seriously" "it's good that the little rotting decomposing guy is getting his due" "i always liked thombus; even though he couldn't move very well and just kind of sat there as long as i've been alive, there was a twinkle in his eye that was just so charming" "agreed; you can't help but root for the little guy" Michelle walks up, wearing her "JUSTICE FOR THOMBUS" t-shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/"JUSTICE FOR THOMBUS" t-shirt/Lilith missions/Gremory missions/Eleatrice missions/Icelia missions/Anima missions]

Mission 006: Diplomacy [King Bran]
"jakey, today is a sad day, for i have to leave the castle for a little bit" "when was the last time you even left the castle" "2018 when emelyn was sick and i had to get my own donuts; luckily, with jean as my maid, i do not have that problem" "so what's the occasion this time" "diplomatic trip to the recently-discovered county of prague" "recently-discovered?" "it's an island way off on alabama's east coast; they just finished building the bridge yesterday" "oh that makes sense" "well, let's go everyone" Jean teleports King Bran and Jakey to Prague Castle, where the contessa greets them. "welcome to prague; i'm the contessa, ebony rayne" "nice sword" "thanks; it's a cursed blade passed down in my family for generations; it is my sworn duty and mine alone to bear this blade's awesome curse" "sounds awesome" "not awesome as in cool, but awesome as in awe-inspiring; i should have just said awful to be honest" "fair; what is the point of it though" "my family is sworn to hunt down and slay the evil, terrifying um uh what was it again?" "vampires?" "no not vampires" "gargoyles?" "no no" "werewolves?" "no uh what was it; it's on the tip of my tongue" "unicorns?" "DRAGONS!!! it was dragons" "really? dragons don't seem so evil to me" "OH right sorry; WE'RE evil, the dragons are good" "glad we cleared that up" "yes, those damn dragons; how i hate them so" "i can see that by the way you forgot what they're called" "yeah, i've had a lot of close calls over the years; my poor manservant thombus was killed by a dragon's flame" "poor guy" "luckily for me, the demoness lilith has granted my family this cursed blade that i may avenge thombus" "nice" "hey i've got an opening available for manservant; you could apply if you'd like" "i'll uh pass" "shame" Michelle enters the room wearing her DragonForce t-shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions/Jean missions/Contessa Ebony Rayne missions]

Mission 007: Polar Opposites [Echidna]
"hey echidna uh what's up" "i am staring at these live-updated poll results; my gaze is positively transfixed" "are you winning" "it's too close to call; eleatrice and i are neck-and-neck; icelia was too until her outburst on the radio" "what about the other two" "gremory is sitting at the bottom with one vote, and lilith is also near the bottom; people didn't take kindly to her 'steal christmas' plan last year" "yet people still like her more than gremory" "have you met gremory?" "yeah she's the worst" "still, it's early yet; any candidate could make a last-second surge, which is why i can't stop looking at these polls" "you could always campaign more and win more votes to your side instead" "but what if my campaigning has the opposite effect?! no, no; i am more than content to stay here and wait until my competitors do something foolish" "i don't know, eleatrice seems pretty popular" "electricity is a fad, and we all know it; what the people really want is snakes; thousands and thousands of venomous snakes" "i'm honestly surprised you're doing so well considering the fact that everyone hates snakes" "WHAT NO WAY!!! snakes are the best and you're just jealous; people have been trying to turn public confidence against the snake since they wrote that horrid book, the bible" "the bible has been consistently popular ever since its release" "i know and it pisses me off; that book does nothing but slander us snakes, and people praise it like the word of god" "that's because it is" "oh, so it's god i have to blame for our image problem? i'll have to assemble a group of teenagers with attitude to try and kill god for me" Michelle slithers in and coils herself around Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Breaking and Also Entering [Echidna]
"hey echidna what's with all these bibles" "i went to the book store and stole every single bible they had, wearing gloves of course so they wouldn't burn my hands" "'the fisherman's bible: a guide to catching the big one'" "i just took everything with 'bible' in the name to be safe" "smart" "now let's turn on the news and see the fruits of my labour" Echidna turns on the Alabama local news, hosted by Orelie. "thus, print of the bible has gone into overdrive, and soon bibles will outnumber people five-to-one" "DAMMIT" Echidna hucks the remote at the TV. "hayden, hire me a bible-burning division" "right away your demonessliness" Hayden salutes, having been run ragged at the requests of five different demonesses at the same time. Michelle salutes Hayden for her deadication. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hayden missions]

Mission 009: Produce Section [Nilla Waphyr]
"how the jockeying career going oslynn" "it's tiring; everyone wants to collaborate with me now" "everyone?" "i did a remix of the girl in the tub's last album, and now people are crawling out of the woodwork!!! most recently, a waning actress has decided to try and defribulate her career with an album and i just told her: you are a terrible singer" "i imagine she didn't like that" "i think she's been stalking me with a knife but that's fine; i'm an orc, a simple knife can't pierce my leathery flesh" "well take it easy on her; her mother just died" "i couldn't tell by the fact that her angel face is plastered all over the place - not that i'm complaining, mind you; saint piper has done some great work" "of course" "it's just been a long couple of months; the only place i get any peace is inside the radiant forest club, doing my normal beat-dropping" "i can imagine; michelle is standing right over there with her demo tape she wants you to remix" "of course" Oslynn pops in Michelle's demo tape. "♫take take take take-take-TAKE ME HOME♫"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions/Piper missions]

Mission 010: Freshening [Nilla Waphyr]
"oh hey jakey don't trip over our new signs" "what's all this for" "sabs was helping me create a logo for a new side project" "is it weeb music" "yes; remember when snoop dogg became snoop lion?" "who could ever forget" "well, i'm going for nilla waiphu" "just for the one project?" "probably; i'm also having sabs make more signs for other potential side projects" "'killa waphyr'" "death metal, except actually good due to having a singer that can" "'thrilla waphyr'" "michael jackson tribute album" "'milla waphyr'" "possible collaboration with miller lite" "'quilla waphyr'" "i've always wanted to do the soundtrack for a sonic the hedgehog game" "seriously?" "i love that little guy; i would also like to play amy rose in the next movie" "lofty ambitions" "it never hurts to be prepared" Michelle walks up. "i agree jakey; it never hurts to be prepared to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 011: The Grand Debate [Orelie]
"hello everyone and welcome to today's broadcast; we have a real treat for you today folks, it's a debate on the issues between two of the candidates for interim queen of hell; lilith and gremory; hello to you both" "hello" "hello" "so i'll start with you gremory; what would you say is the issue you personally find most important" "the issue i find most important? orl, that's simple" "please don't call me orl" "i happen to have damning photographic evidence of lilith here committing a crime most foul; MURDER" "oh come off it; we all saw what you did to those mermaids" "no one likes mermaids, lil, and no one will like you when they discover just who you murdered" "go on, enlighten us" "my competitor, lilith the demoness, murdered IN COLD BLOOD, hell's very own THOMBUS" "i'm sorry, who?" "yeah i don't remember anyone by that name" "thombus was a poor old zombie trying to do his job, despite the years catching up to him, and he was CUT DOWN by lilith!!! this all in spite of the fact that thombus had TENURE!!!" Orelie loses her composure briefly. "is this true, lilith? did you kill a zombie with TENURE?!" "i vaguely recall doing something like that" Orlie gasps as Gremory laughs maniacally. "yes, i remember; i also remember that the wicked chateau's efficiency more than septupled after that incident, something all of my competitors also benefitted from" "thombus was a hero of the people; if lilith can even kill this brave, TENURED member of hellish society, who can't she gun down?!" Gremory begins to weep crocodile tears. Lilith rolls her eyes. "and there we have it; i know that this has impacted the way i'm going to vote" "the gremory campaign is selling 'JUSTICE FOR THOMBUS' t-shirts, with 100% of the proceeds* going to thombus's surviving family members**, assuming lilith doesn't gun them down too" "what's with all the asterisks" "unimportant" "no, she's our next guest" Michelle storms into the radio tower and buys all of Gremory's t-shirts. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Of Varying Importance [Orelie]
"welcome back to the broadcast; our next guest needs no introduction; her name is unimportant; unimportant, hello" "hello" "so you're saying that you've figured out this whole hellection business?" "yes indeed, orl" "please don't call me orl" "my horoscope today told me to call you orl" "seriously?" Unimportant hands Orelie the paper, and sure enough. "i'll be damned" "great segue; i've determined the optimal choice for each star sign to vote for" "oh?" "yes; refer to this chart" "this is a radio show, they can't see the chart" "oh right" Unimportant's face reddens, but she's glad no one can see it do so but Orelie. "for example, orl, eleatrice is a libra; this means that leos, sagittariuses, geminis, acquariuses, and other libras should definitely vote for her" "i think i see where this is going" "i, for one, would never vote for a candidate with an incompatible star sign to my own; that jezzie, for example, was a total capricorn and i just hate them SO MUCH" Unimportant tries to calm herself down. "so please do you due dilligence and make sure that you vote for a candidate compatible with your sign" "thank you, unimportant for the uh very unimportant interview" "any time" Michelle walks up and sticks her tongue out at Orelie for having the audacity to have been born an acquarius. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Unimportant missions]

Mission 013: The It-Girl [Orelie]
"welcome back to the broadcast; our next guest is everyone's favourite, the girl in the tub, scarlett hayes; scarlett, hello" "hello" "so tell us: why the constant bathing" "i have done some things i am not proud of, and frequently feel the need to wash away the sin" "oh, juicy; any details for our listeners?" "yes, in fact, i have a confession i need to get off my chest, orly" "the world is listening" "i'm actually a werewolf" The studio goes silent. "that explains so much" "i have a song i'd like to sing for you all, if my bathroom guard jakey will guard me once again, and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "of course" Scarlett heads into the station's bathroom with her rubber ducky, and begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫screams break the silence, waking from the dead of night; vengeance is boiling, he's returned to kill the light; then when she's found who he's looking for, listen in awe and you'll hear him: bark at the moon♫" The entire station sits in stunned silence at Scarlett's song. It continues and continues until it finally reaches its climax. "♫WOAH-WOAH YEAH BARK AT THE MOON; AWOOOOOOOOOOOOO♫" Not a dry eye is present as Scarlett exits the bath. "i really felt your soul crying out in that 'awoo'" "thank you, it felt good to let one out" Michelle whistles and cries for an encore. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 014: Disapproval [Lilith]
"JAKEY WHAT'S GOING ON!!! EVERYONE HATES ME!!!" "i don't hate you" "okay revised: EVERYONE BUT YOU HATES ME!!!" "well, people hated it when you attempted to steal christmas, then they learned you killed thombus" "NO ONE EVEN KNEW WHO THOMBUS WAS UNTIL THAT RADIO SHOW!!!" "yeah, but now they know he had tenure, and you can't argue with that" "how do i repair my image?!" "i unironically think you're too evil for hell" "so what you're saying is i need to create my own new super-hell" "i've heard worse ideas" "i should wait until the election is over first; i might still win if it comes out that the other four did something even worse" "true, plus it gives you time to come up with a name for your new nation" "i was thinking gomorrah" "cool; nice sweater by the way" "it's chilly" "yeah, sure" Michelle walks up and throws a snowball at Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 015: A Nation Divided [Lilith]
"hey lilith what's uh going on here" "oh i just got so excited about the idea of gomorrah that i couldn't help but start planning" "what have you got so far" "this is our nation's flag" Lilith holds up a dark pink flag with a honey badger on it. "a honey badger?" "honey badgers are cute, but secretly vicious; just like me" "fair enough i suppose" "also: i've begun writing a national anthem, but i can't think of anything that rhymes with 'blood-curdling'" "you could always slant-rhyme it with 'good murdering'" "a slant rhyme?! in our only national anthem?! surely you jest" "i don't think anything rhymes with curdle, unless you count turtle" "maybe i should change our national animal to the snapping turtle" "then people will think you're slow" "good point" "you could paint flames on the turtle's shell to make him faster" "genius" Michelle walks in and salutes Lilith's flag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 016: Flooding the Polls [Gremory]
"jakey have you seen the latest poll numbers?" Gremory laughs maniacally. "no, but i imagine you're about to tell me all about it" "my smear campaign on the radio has paid off!!! my number of votes has TRIPLED!!!" "oh, you have three now?" "yes, and soon, i will have them all" Gremory continues to laugh maniacally. "that would be quite a feat, considering everyone finds you incredibly annoying" "wh-what" "you think you're the evilest thing ever, but you're not even a fraction of lilith's evil, letalone jezzie's" "you're just jealous" "huh?" "either that, or too dim to comprehend my genius brand of pure, festering evil" Gremory laughs maniacally again. "yeah, i'm tired of talking to you; goodbye" Jakey leaves the Wicked Chateau, and runs into a trash can. "oof who put this here" "sorry jakey; i saw everything" "violet?" "do you know anyone else who hides inside trash cans?" "good point i suppose" "i saw that even you, the man who wants to hold hands with every pretty girl to the point where you put up with jezzie for seven years and even married her, couldn't stand being around gremory for more than five minutes" "your point?" "i'm going to put this to print and try and get more votes for lilith!!!" "you're a lilith fan?" "her brand of actual evil is going to sell countless papers; almost as many as when jezzie was alive" "if that's your aim, you may be more interested in what happens if she doesn't win" "what? do you have a scoop?! tell me tell me tell me" "i can't; i don't want to spoil the surprise" "fair enough; i'll simply have to stalk lilith for the next month or so" "good luck with that" Michelle pops up out of Lilith's trashcan. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 017: Subtlety Is Key [Eleatrice]
"eleatrice, i've got to be honest with you: aside from the brooke thing, i don't really see you as all that evil" "my brand of evil is a lot more subtle than most demonesses; take those blood elves i created for example; their bloody magicks are far stronger at night, under the moonlight, than during the day, but i made them biologically unable to stay up more than thirteen minutes past sundown" "I KNEW IT" The sole named blood elf, Ichoria, leaps out from behind the bushes. "oh hi ichoria" "don't 'oh hi' me; you intentionally fucked over our species from reaching our true potential!!!" "i know, isn't it delightful? well, maybe not from your perspective" "well the joke is on you; last night, i stayed up a whole fifteen minutes past sundown" "impressive; and you're up to sixteen today" "what? oh dammit" Ichoria falls straight asleep. "oh how i love to see it" Eleatrice grabs Ichoria's body and takes her to the Wicked Chateau's guest bed, where Michelle is sleeping. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions/Ichoria missions]

Mission 018: Saw the Sign [Eleatrice]
"oh jakey good; i need your help to guard my book signing from rabid supporters of the other demonesses" "i didn't know you had a book" "i don't; i just sign whatever books the people bring me" "oh okay, that makes sense" "personally, i hope to sign some good cook books" "of course" The event begins, and the turnout is huge. "welcome everyone to my signing; i hope you all remembered to bring your books" "oh dammit" Half the line runs back home to grab books. "i'd like to thank you all for coming to see me; now let's get started" The first in line steps up to the table and hands Eleatrice her book on famous robbers. "i waited in line for five days for this" "oh nice; what's your name" "bonnie" "really? you look more like a sioby to me" "so they keep telling me" "well thanks for coming out sioby" Siobhan grabs her now-signed book and leaves. "next please" "oh boy" The second in line drags her heavy cook book onto the table, barely able to keep aloft. "you're a little thing aren't you" "yes ma'am, it was difficult, but i waited in line out here for three days; narrowly avoiding getting stepped on many times" "and who am i making this out to" "mary" "well mary i hope you enjoy your book even more now that it's signed; take care getting home" "yes thank you ma'am" Mary flies away, struggling mightily with her heavy book. "next please" The third in line steps up to the table. "where's your book" Michelle freezes in place, panicking. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions/Mary missions]

Mission 019: Trapped Under Ice [Icelia]
"most people seem to think this hellection is a two-horse race jakey, but most seem to forget about icelia's glorious steed!!!" "are you scheming a scheme for getting more votes" "of course!!! icelia is always scheming and dreaming; question: what is the best season" "fall" "wrong answer; the best season is winter" "i figured you'd feel that way" "icelia does not 'feel', icelia KNOWS; icelia will share with people the joy of an early winter; LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW!!!" Icelia calls down a blizzard which covers the entirety of Alabama, Mojavistan, Hell, and Goo Zealand. Canada does not notice any difference. "now the people will love icelia as they ski and snowboard and frolic in the deep beautiful white snow" Angry calls pour into the Wicked Chateau, everyone livid at Icelia for making a blizzard in September. "the peasants know not what they need; icelia's wisdom will guide them all" "looks like your stunt may be getting a different demoness more votes" Jakey gestures toward Lilith, who is flying around and melting all of Icelia's snow. "WHAT!!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! ICELIA IS OUTRAGED!!!" "the new poll numbers are in; lilith just stole all of your votes" "DAMN THESE PEASANTS!!! DAMN THEIR TERRIBLE TASTE IN WEATHER!!!" Michelle ice skates toward Jakey and Icelia. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 020: Necromantic [Anima]
"oh there you are jakey, good timing; one of my zombies exploded all over me and now i need a bath; can you stand outside my door and only come in if i yell 'REDUCED IRON'" "can do" Anima grabs her zombie rubber ducky and heads into the bath, whereupon she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫caught here in a fiery blaze, won't lose my will to stay; i try-y-y-y-ied to drive all through the ni-ight♫" As Jakey resists bopping along to the tune, not wanting anyone to know that he secretly enjoys Avenged Sevenfold, Akari clomps up the stairs, dragging along Fang the jiangshi. "jakey stand aside; i need a necromancer" "anima is currently in the bath" "yeah whatever; fang is dying uh again" "no one gets past" "♫CAN'T YOU HELP ME AS I'M STARING TO BURN; TOO MANY DOSES AND I'M STARTING TO GET AN ATTRACTION♫" "i do not care about her shitty metalcore song; fang needs necromantic treatment urgently; we went out for a girls' night and she accidentally ate like five cloves of garlic" "no one gets past" "if fang dies on me, i WILL have my revenge against you" "i'm shaking" "you'd better be" The trio waits around for Anima's bath to end, and Anima exits the bath. "nr. anima, fang needs help urgently" "oh dear; garlic poisoning!!! i'll need to whip up the antidote!!! can you go and get me some blue 2 lake" "right away" Akari rushes down the stairs, bowling over Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Akari missions]

Mission 021: Medical Procedures [Anima]
"okay fang, the good news is that you're stable; the garlic is safely out of your system" "thank you so much" "the bad news is that your condition caused you to be far under your hop quota as a jiangshi" "what's that mean" "you need to double your hop output for about a week" "but i'm constantly always hopping; how can i hop any more than that?" "you'll have to wear these special medical hopping shoes; they'll make your two legs hop independently of eachother for the next week" "that sounds annoying" "yes, but if you don't do this, you may suffer permanent side effects, such as a loss of facial features" "i could feel my left ear kind of drooping" "it'll tighten right up after your hopping gets back on track" "okay miss necromancer; i'll work at it" "good; here, have a lollipop" "it's not garlic-flavoured is it" "oh uh" Anima swaps the lollipop she's holding. "here, this one's cherry" "thanks a bundle" "and here's a sticker for you" Anima sticks a smiley face onto Fang's shirt as she bounces and licks her lollipop. Michelle snatches the garlic-flavoured lollipop from the drawer. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fang missions]

Mission 022: Getting Your Dander Up [Emelyn]
"hey emmo you're officially undead and thus evil now right" "yeah, i think the grey skin gives it away" "so who are you voting for in the upcoming hellection" "i don't know" "really?" "none of the candidates have addressed the real issues" "such as?" "what are we going to do about dust and dander? our houses are a mess, and the demonesses won't give them a gander" "nice rhyme" "thanks, i'm working on an ad campaign calling the demonesses out for not addressing this issue" "i've been inside the wicked chateau, and it's pretty dust-free, so maybe they just aren't aware of the problems the rest of the world face" "maybe i should gather up jars of dust and pour them on the demonesses' desks or into their food" "that may be going a bit too far" "maybe, but these are demonic beings with the power to eradicate dust and dirt forever" "that's the problem: they're demonic and thus evil; you want to campaign to the angels, but they are notoriously lazy" "really? why" "if you could sit on a nice clean white fluffy cloud all day plunking away at a harp, wouldn't you?" "that does sound nice" Michelle floats in on her own artificial cloud, plunking away at her harp. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 023: General Confusion [Jean]
"jakey i'm having a crisis" "how so" "i heard on the radio from someone uh what was her name?" "it's unimportant" "yeah that's right; anyway, she told me that i should choose my vote for the hellection based on my zodiac sign, but i don't have a birthday; i just kind of always existed" "that would be a problem" "so i have no idea who to vote for now" "well, the demonesses have always existed and are in the same boat, but unimportant gave them all signs based on their personalities; so let's do the same to you" "good idea; let's check the list of traits and see which ones i have" Jean picks up the horoscopes book she'd bought and had signed by Eleatrice and hands it to Jakey. "okay let's first look at your quadruplicity" "okay" "are you quick and ambitious, determined and stable, or versatile and resourceful" "yes" "that was a multiple-choice question" "but all of those apply to me" "okay, we'll come back to that; let's look at your triplicity instead" "all right" "are you grounded dependable and hard-working, or good at communication intelligence and versatility, or passionate energetic and creative, OR an emotional intuitive dreamer" "yes" "so you're every sign then" "uh maybe" "okay, i'm going to flip to a random page, and if what it says applies to you, THAT'S your sign" "okay that works for me" "okay let's see" Jakey closes his eyes and flips around the book, back and forth, eventually landing on the destined page. "are you a curious, eloquent intellectual?" "it's like you've known me all my life" "then you're a scorpio" "works for me" "and good news: icelia is also a scorpio" "looks like i'm voting for icelia then; we're scorpio sisters for life" "i'm sure she'll be ecstatic to have your vote, which doubles her poll numbers" Michelle walks in and snatches the horoscope book from Jakey's hands. "jakey it says here that tauruses like you have to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Icelia missions]

Mission 024: The Silver Stumper [Contessa Ebony Rayne]
"jakey quick get down; i'm in the middle of the hunt" "for dragons?" "what? no, for the illusive silver slime" "i thought your sole purpose on this flat earth was to hunt and kill dragons" "was that what it was? whatever; regardless, i have that slime cornered with an ingenius plot" "let me guess: you painted a tunnel on the wall" "wh-WHAT!!! how did you know!!!" "i've seen it a few times before" "well, i've also got this meca-brand rocket that i'll ride to chase after the silver slime, and then i'll jump off after the slime hits the wall" "have you tried just like using a gun" "you're silly jakey; guns are so unreliable; always jamming and whatnot" "meep meep" "oh shhh here she is" The Contessa hops onto her rocket, and chases Sylvia down the road. Sylvia tries to shake the Contessa by running through a tunnel, but the Contessa gives chase. Unfortunately for the Contessa, that was the tunnel she'd painted on the wall. The Contessa smacks into the wall, and is knocked unconscious. Sylvia circles back around to make sure her pursuer is still breathing. "meep meep" Sylvia runs off, leaving the Contessa dazed. Michelle exits the tunnel, and passes the Contessa an ice pack. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 025: Always on the Hunt [Contessa Ebony Rayne]
"so what are you hunting today eb" "oh, are we familiar enough for name-shortening now?" "sure why not" "well, ja, i'm hunting vampires; not those weird hopping ones though, those freak me out" "now i only know of one regular vampire, and i hope it's not her you're hunting" "uh i've got a picture, wait a moment" The Contessa hands Jakey a picture of a fluffy-haired blonde. "yeah, that's her" "oh, awkward" "what's your plan to kill her? did you paint a tunnel on the wall?" "i have spiked her weekly shipment of delicious blood with garlic and freshly-ground crucifixes" "she'll be able to tell at a glance" "what how" "her blood doesn't usually have a fine powder settled at the bottom" "shush; here she is now" Gwendolyn exits her apartment and spies her box at the doorstep. "this has clearly been opened and tampered with" Gwendolyn calls up the company on her cellular calling device. "yeah, hello?" The Contessa uses Gwendolyn's distraction to aim her crossbow. Jakey dives in front of the shot as it's fired, his dumb healing powers rendering the shot pointless. "dammit jakey your lust for that fluffy busty blonde has cost me my trophy" "you collect vampire dust?" "not now i don't" The Contessa grumbles as she leaves. Michelle hands Gwendolyn a replacement package of blood and takes the tainted package for her own use. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]