Quite a Thing to Behold (2025)

Mission 101: Free Range [Julia]
"jakey i have had it up to HERE with these goblins" "what are they doing" "breaking every single rule of the park, and i'm out of cages" "have you tried hiring a wizard to make a goblin-proof barrier around the park" "that's a great idea, except that i don't have a hiring a wizard permit or a barrier-erecting permit to give the wizard" "it sounds like you need to print more permits" "yeah but i don't have a permit-printing permit" "what permits do you have" "i have a 'locking goblins in cages' permit and a 'yelling obscenities' permit" "and isn't that really all you need" "i need a stiff drink permit" Michelle walks up and hands Julia her stiff drink permit, being sure to show her permit transfer permit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 102: Odds and Ends [Odilia]
"jakey did you ever find your keys" "oh yeah they were in my pocket the whole time" "you know, i'd be really mad at you for what you did because goblins are taking everybody's jobs here in gomorrah, but goblins can't do magic so my job is safe and thus everything is fine" "so what kind of court wizardry have you been working on" "i've been harvesting ingredients for a potion that will make me immune to electricity" "is it ready" "yes, i am about to imbibe that shit" Odilia imbibes her new potion, and turns to stick her finger in an electrical socket. She immediately begins convulsing. "did it work" "no" "well maybe you're immune to something different, like uh being poked in the eye" "oh maybe; give it a poke" Jakey pokes Odilia in the eye, and she doesn't even flinch. "well the potion is useful for something i suppose" Michelle walks up and imbibes Odilia's potion. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 103: Nothing Personnel [Gobigail]
"hey gobigail how's being director of personnel going for you" "it's fun mostly but i was sad when poor gobrina got fired" "she was not fit for the job she was given" "i always liked her signage" "because you have no taste" "what!!! i taste lots of things" "nevermind; have you installed a groundskeeper yet" "i hired some kid to mow our lawn if that's what you mean" "oh, child labour, nice" "lilith seemed to think so" "do you have a director of education" "oh yes i set my best goblin on it; the kids today will learn all about what things are okay to lick and what things are not okay to lick" "vital knowledge" "yes, once, i licked one of those tiny holes in the wall and couldn't feel my tongue for days" "i'll bet" "also do you know the proper technique for licking a triangle? most goblins get this wrong" "lick the sides not the pointy ends" "wow you know a lot about licking things" "please don't spread that information around" "i get it; keep your enemies unaware of your licking prowess" "uh sure" Michelle walks up and licks Jakey's sleeve. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 104: Takes a Licking [Gobigail]
"jakey lilith has ordered me to put a stop to some harpies on the roof stealing her wifi; i have no idea what wifi is, but i can't let people just steal it" "would you like me to come with you" "yes please; i also have no idea what a harpie is" Jakey and Gobigail head for the roof, where two familiar harpies are watching videos on their laptop. "psst jakey is that the wifi" "no, that's a laptop, which they are using to steal the wifi" "oh gotcha" Gobigail walks up to the laptop and begins smashing it with a club. "like what are you like doing" "our laptop is like state of the art" "totally" "it won't like be destroyed that easily and stuff" "oh i get it" Gobrina throws her club to the ground and begins licking the laptop with her mighty tongue. "ew like gross" Harli snatches the laptop away. "i'm going to have to like get this deep-cleaned" "it may like never be clean again" "totally" The harpies fly away, defeated for the first time. "i did a good job" "better than the average" Michelle grabs Gobigail's club and twirls it like a baton. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 105: Apprenticeship [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina what's up" "i've taken on an apprentice but it's not working out" "is it that goblin over there that's dressed just like you" "i thought it was cute so i agreed to train her but she does not understand what makes a good font" "even after your thirty-hour intro course?" "even after; she's using fonts with serifs for birthday party invitations and fonts without serifs for business cards" "eugh" "and once, she made a business card in comic sans" "i'm surprised you haven't killed her yet" "i have reflexively shot her in the head several times, but she just keeps on ticking" "maybe she's just a slow learner" "maybe she's just not cut out for this line of work" "have you suggested that to her" "i've tried but then she looks at me with those big goblin eyes and i just can't break her little heart" Gobrina waddles up to Sabrina and Jakey. "i made this thank you card for you miss sabrina" Gobrina holds up her thank you card, written up entirely in beautiful Candara. "YOU'RE LEARNING!!!" Sabrina gives Gobrina a big hug, a single tear streaming down her face. "yes that is why i made the card" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a "take me home" card written up entirely in David Libre. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 106: Welcome Back [Orelie]
"welcome back to the broadcast; our next guest is genie i found in a lamp named genevieve; i used my first wish to get an interview with her; genevieve, hello" "hello" "so tell me: what's it like being a genie in a bottle" "cramped; i lay in wait for sometimes thousands of years at a time for someone to rub my lamp and make inane, selfish wishes" "sounds rough" "until recently, my lamp had been sat on a pawn shop's shelf for two hundred years, sitting there, unrubbed and unloved" "that's terrible" "then when i finally got out, i was given the most obnoxious wishes, so i decided to fuck with the wishers" "how so" "you know, i did what the wisher literally said, but put a twist on it, like when someone asked me to bring someone else over to see the second wish, i brought that person over naked because she never specified that her friend needed to be clothed" "i see" "then for her next wish, i dropped all her friends/family/well-wishers into a volcano" "so basically, you're the evil genie" "i prefer 'trickster' over 'evil' but basically" "and i still have two wishes left" "yes indeed" "astute listeners will remember that i have, in fact, seen aladdin, but i don't think i'll be wishing for your freedom today" "tomorrow then?" "no; you're a hazard to everybody, so my second wish is that we skip to my third wish" "done" "and my third and final wish is that your lamp be hidden in a place no one will find it for a thousand years" "fine whatever" Genevieve disappears along with her lamp, to parts unknown. Michelle runs up, having found Genevieve's lamp between the couch cushions. "hey jakey i'll give you this lamp if you take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 107: Well, I'm an Animal [Lilith]
"hey lilith; packing up?" "yes, gomorrah is going on a vacation" "the entire country?" "yeah, i don't see why not; everyone's packed, and we're going to crash at the castle in canada" "wait what" "yeah we got a reservation at it from that nice sales lady over there" Lilith gestures toward Kathy, who has been strangely absent lately. "those tickets aren't legitimate" "what? they say 'LEGITIMATE' all over them in impact font" "our castle doesn't sell tickets; it's not a hotel" "that's right, it's a hotel + theme park" "what no-" "sorry, gotta go; our flight is about to take off; kisses and all that" Lilith waves and boards her plane. "oh no" Michelle disembarks her private jet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 108: Yes, I'm a Cannonball [Lilith]
Jakey tears into the castle in the dead of night, trying to soundproof the area around his parents' bedroom before the Gomorrans arrive. "HELLOOOOOOOO CANADA!!!" Lilith and about a thousand goblins rush into the castle. "oh hey jakey; is this our room" "no; get out" "good idea; i have been dying for a dip in the hot tub" Lilith disrobes and does a cannonball off a balcony into the hot tub. "well at least she should be quiet while-" Jakey hears a loud crash and runs down to the pantry. "OH NO" The goblins have ransacked the pantry, and are heading for the wine cellar. "THOSE WINES ARE OLDER THAN ALL OF US COMBINED!!!" "i brought my own corkscrew" As one of the goblins attempts to uncork the wine, Grace leaps from the rafters and begins fighting goblins off with a stick. "GRACE THANK GOD" "my duty is to protect prince and country; i will defend these wines to the last!!!" "good that means i can-" Another crash is heard. "OH NO" Jakey runs to the main hall, where goblins are breaking vases looking for the TV remote. "where is the remote" "i want to watch my favourite show, paid programming" Jakey dives for the remote and puts on Paid Programming, which transfixes all the goblins. "okay now i have a moment to fix-" Jakey turns to see Michelle fixing all the broken vases with Flex Tape, so they will be more beautiful for having been broken and repaired with Flex Tape. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 109: They Say I'm Out for Blood [Lilith]
Jakey re-enters the castle to see a bunch of strange objects he's never seen before. "what is all this" "i bought paid programming items with this shiny card i found" Jakey snatches his father's credit card from the goblin, who resumes playing with her new Wonder Skillet, which was a free TV offer when she bought the Wonder Wok. Jakey turns and sees Lilith still in the hot tub, but also goblins colouring. "i-is that the canadian scroll of laws?" "i like colouring on old paper" "it's okay it's okay it's only the back of it; no one will see it" Jakey hears another loud crash, and heads down to the wine cellar to see Grace getting drunk with the goblins. "GRACE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THE WINE NOT DRINK THE WINE" "i am protecting it; it is safely inside of my stomach and the stomachs of these nice leprechauns" Grace passes the wine bottle to Michelle, who has downed about twenty. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 110: One Thing I Wanna Do Is Party All Night [Lilith]
Jakey sits in the middle of the castle's foyer, rocking back and forth as the goblins ruin everything. He thought he'd heard everything until he hears a loud screeching from the garage. "OH NO" Jakey runs out to the garage to see a pack of goblins joyriding in the Rolls Royce. "STOP STOP THAT CAR IS WORTH MORE THAN EVERYTHING YOU OWN" The goblins do stop, but only once they've crashed the Rolls Royce into the swimming pool. "i should have just stayed married to jezzie; a quiet life with my evil wife" Michelle joyrides the Lamborghini into the pool next to the Rolls Royce. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 111: All Night Long [Lilith]
Noon arrives, and Jakey's parents awaken. Lilith and the goblins clear out, their tickets home leaving at 12:10. Jakey is alone in the middle of a ruined castle. "it's over my life is over i tried to stop it and i failed and i can't do anything about it and life is terrible and why me and-" Grace slaps Jakey out of his trance. "jakey you always do this" "do what? ruin everything?" "well yes but also: you forget that you know like a thousand magical creatures who can undo anything, and you own a damn time machine" "GRACE YOU'RE A GENIUS; COME, TO THE TIME MACHINE" "that is by far the worse of the two options i gave you" "i am not allowing anyone else to know of this" "fair enough" Jakey and Grace hop into the time machine, and get to work the day prior. They replace the Rolls Royce with a Bolls Boyce and the Lamborghini with a Shamborghini. They replace the aged wines with newer, more modern wines, and the scroll of laws with a blank scroll. They replace his father's credit card with Lilith's own, and replace the vases with plastic ones. They then return to the present to replace everything back. Nothing is out of place, and no signs remain that anything out of the ordinary had happened, aside from the crayon marks on the walls. Jakey's parents head downstairs and see the crayon marks on the walls, then turn to Michelle, who has a box of her own crayons in-hand. "uh take me home"
[reward: respect +/'I Just Finished Quite a Thing to Behold and All I Got Was This Stupid' t-shirt/THE END]