Quite a Thing to Behold (2025)

Mission 051: A Great Feeling [Amber]
"jakey do you remember all those troubles i was having? well i haven't had any for like a year so i think they're over" "oh, did svart of darkness across the street must have gotten over his grudge against you" "stuart of who? across the street? that's an abandoned building" "no, that's a used car dealer" "what" "and the guy who owns the place was in love with jezzie and wanted to kill you and use your blood to create a diamond ring to propose to her with" "was this a weird dream you had after you ate too many candy bars before bed or something" "no, it was reality" "you're weird" Amber turns to return to her office, and Jakey decides to visit Svart of Darkness for old times' sake. "hey sod" "WHAT how did you get past the landmines!!!" "huh? i just walked over here" "NO MATTER!!! i will have my revenge against you for killing my beloved jezzie!!!" "wait i thought jezzie changed your memory so you were in love with someone else" "her death re-rased my memory and now i remember that i hated amber and not the post lady and i loved jezzie and not whatever rando you tricked her into making my beloved" "i tricked her now?" "YES you tricked her so you could kill her!!! she was a naïve innocent maiden and you took advantage of her!!! FOR SHAME!!!" "that's not quite how i remember jezzie" "it matters not, for soon you too will be just a memory!!! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!! FOR MY DEAR SWEET JEZZIE!!!" Svart of Darkness begins shooting Jakey with his gun. "stop you're embarrassing yourself" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO EMBARRASS MYSELF!!!" "you do realise that jezzie never dies for real right? she'll be back next year" "wait really?" "yeah, read a book sometime" "oh shit i've got to get ready for her return; don't bother me until after jezzie comes back and i've married her" Svart of Darkness slams the door in Jakey's face. Jakey hears a large explosion behind him, and sees Michelle tossing apples at the landmines. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 052: The Great Debate [Orelie]
"welcome back to the broadcast; on the next segment, we have a debate between the demoness echidna and an unknown party; echidna, hello" "hello" "i will now open this cabinet, which contains the person you will be debating against" Orelie opens the cabinet, and Sophia falls out. "hello, i have been hired to assassinate an 'echidna the demoness'; would that be you?" "yes, that's me" "okay, hold still" "uh no" As Echidna prepares for an attack from the front, the real attack comes from behind. Echidna barely dodges out of the way. "oh come on, you again? how did you get orelie on board with an assassination attempt?" "I WILL DESTROY YOU, ABOMINATION!!!" "yeah no" Echidna blasts her would-be assassin out the window with a barrage of snakes. "um i was just the distraction so i didn't even bring any weapons; i'll be going now" Sophia beats a hasty retreat. "i'm sorry about that miss echidna; i was informed that the girl hiding in the cabinet wanted to debate you on your economic policy" "you should have known something was up right then, because my economic policy is flawless" Michelle falls out of the cabinet Sophia was in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 053: Standing Firm [Victorrhea]
"jakey can you believe this shit? they're trying to throw me out of the hospital because timinchinitis isn't a 'real' terminal illness!!!" "sorry, what? how isn't it?" "they say that simply being unable to jump isn't life-threatening at all and i'll live a normal life with a normal span BUT THINK ABOUT IT!!! if a car barrels down the street toward me, can i jump out of the way? NO!!! my death would be attributed entirely to my TERMINAL illness!!!" "if you were to enter the army and your CO said 'jump' you'd have to explain your terminal illness to him instead of asking 'how high' and in that time the opposing army would shoot you all dead" "EXACTLY; can you use your canadian princeliness to get them to keep me on as a patient" "i'll do you one better; i'll create a new hospital in canada specifically to treat timinchinitis with five-star chefs that only cook the best burgers and pizzas and care technicians that are all hot women who don't care if you grab a titty or two" "um is this still for me or for you" "can't it be both? i mean, i visit you frequently so i should get some perks too" "fair enough i suppose; how are you going to accomplish building your clinic before this one kicks me out" "call your sister and tell her your plight and my idea" Victorrhea does just that, and she and Jakey are immediately warped to a better Canadian clinic, where Jean is waiting. "i'm impressed" "it's got uh one room" "it only needs one room; this is a special clinic for only the most important patient; my little sister" "oh uh thanks" "and to take care of all your needs, i have hired the best nurse that money can buy; she'll be here tomorrow" "won't it get lonely if it's just me" "don't worry, the nurse is also a licensed best friend who can make time for you when i'm busy with my duties at the castle and jakey's doing uh whatever it is he does" "usually i just take michelle home" Michelle nods. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jean missions]

Mission 054: Reimbursed Nurse [Victorrhea]
"oh jakey you're just in time; i'm about to meet my new nurse and i'm so excited; jean assured me that i'd receive only the best care" "i am also excited to meet this nurse" On cue, the new nurse enters the building. "hello, my name is panacea moreno" "fitting" "yeah, my career choice was kind of set from birth" "i wasn't expecting a dark elf nurse" "oh, we dark elves are more than just guns and twilit melons; did you know that the stethoscope was invented by a dark elf?" "is that why it's so cold?" "yes, we dark elves love our things cold and metallic" "so, what skills do you bring outside of the medical realm" "if ever victorrhea wishes it, i can play a soothing tune for her on my instrument" "can we hear an example" "oh yes; it would be my pleasure" Panacea pulls out her drumkit and begins beating the shit out of that thing. "not exactly what i had in mind when you said soothing" "really? it always calms me down" "i can imagine it would, yes" "i can also play piano but my passion is the drums uh in addition to nursing" Michelle enters the clinic. "my passion is having jakey take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 055: Absolute Panic [Victorrhea]
"hey panc how's victorrhea doing" "jakey thank god it's an emergency!!!" "what?!" "we're out of victorrhea's life-saving medications!!! i've been giving her tictacs instead but i think she's starting to suspect" "i didn't know she had any life-saving medications" "i'm not a doctor, i just give her the pills i'm told to give her" "also how are you out already? the clinic has only been around for one day" "i don't know what happened; yesterday, we had a whole bottle, and today we have none!!! i'm at my wit's end here!!!" "take me to where you keep your pills" Panacea leads Jakey to the medicine cabinet. "it was right here in this empty space next to the rat poison" "there appears to be a note here" "how did i miss that?!" "i have no idea" Jakey begins to peruse the note. "dear clinic, i have stolen your precious life-saving medicine; muahahahahahahahahaha - gremory" "a demoness did this?! that's just ridiculous!!!" "just like gremory herself, really" "whatever will we do!!!" "have you tried ordering more medicine from the factory" "OH!!! GREAT IDEA!!!" Panacea makes a few calls, and Bailey arrives shortly after to deliver a whole truckload. "thanks jakey i never would have thought of that" Michelle walks up and delivers a crate of rat poison as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 056: A Thousand Words [Lilith]
"hey lilith what are you doing" "i'm writing a book" "really? what kind" "a children's book to captivate the minds of the children and turn them evil right under their parents' noses" "what's it about" "it's about a school of the occult where kids are split into five different houses and cast spells and worship satan and at the end they kill god" "oh nice; do the five different houses get equal screentime or is there a favourite" "the proud, noble house of the phoenix gets preferential treatment; their vermillion robes strike fear into the hearts of do-gooders" "what about the others" "the electric eel house is for the retards, the pufferfish house is for the fat kids, the snake house is for the annoying kids, and the penguin house is for the invalids" "any resemblance those houses may have to demonesses, living or dead, must be purely coincidental" "must be" "so who's your protagonist" "the twins, hillary and billary cauter" "a boy and a girl i see" "for maximum market appeal" "of course" "hillary and billary are noble phoenixes, but they still let some kids from the loser houses tag along sometimes, like fran thistlebrush from the eels or gregory byle from the penguins" "can't wait to read it" "here, have an advance copy of the first book; i've already completed it" "oh cool thanks" Michelle walks in, carrying her own copy of Lilith's book, signed by Eleatrice. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 057: A Thousand-and-One Words [Echidna]
"hey echidna what are you doing" "i'm writing a book" "really? what kind" "a children's book to captivate the minds of the children and turn them evil right under their parents' noses" "what's it about" "it's about a school of the occult where kids are split into five different houses and cast spells and worship satan and at the end they kill god" "oh nice; do the five different houses get equal screentime or is there a favourite" "the proud, noble house of the snake gets preferential treatment; their emerald robes strike fear into the hearts of do-gooders" "what about the others" "the electric eel house is for the blind, the pufferfish house is for the fat kids, the phoenix house is for the retards, and the penguin house is for the annoying kids" "any resemblance those houses may have to demonesses, living or dead, must be purely coincidental" "must be" "so who's your protagonist" "the twins, benjamin and jenjamin decatour" "a boy and a girl i see" "for maximum market appeal" "of course" "benjamin and jenjamin are noble snakes, but they still let some kids from the loser houses tag along sometimes, like sedge curtail from the pengus or davide portaile from the eels" "can't wait to read it" "here, have an advance copy of the first book; i've already completed it" "oh cool thanks" Michelle walks in, carrying her own copy of Echidna's book, signed by Eleatrice. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 058: The Horror [Noriko]
"hey noriko i'm having a friend stay over while her place is being fumigated; is the guest bedroom ready" "you don't have a guest bedroom" "yes i do; it's right here, behind this wallpaper" Jakey takes down the wallpaper, revealing a door that Noriko has never seen before. "WHAT why did you wallpaper over it?!" "i needed to keep my extra wallpaper somewhere didn't i?" "uh" Jakey opens the door to the guest bedroom, and he is instantly buried in a mountain of dust that has poured out of the guest bedroom. "AUGH HELP" Noriko leaps into action with her dual featherdusters, clearing the room of dust, which had previously been taking up every cubic inch of the room. "i'm surprised at you noriko; slacking off just because we didn't use that room" "i didn't even know it existed" "it was right here" "behind wallpaper; and besides, you have a permanent house guest who lives in a drawer" "what would mary do with a human-sized room? 'oh let me fly half a mile over to hit the snooze button which is bigger than i am'" "whatever; it's clean now and that's what matters" "next you'll tell me you've never cleaned the attic" "this is an apartment, you don't have an attic" Jakey pulls on a chain which opens up the attic, burying Jakey again in a mountain of dust. "GODDAMMIT" Michelle tumbles out of the attic. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 059: Serve and Protect [Grace]
"grace what are you doing" "some harpies are stealing your wifi and it's my duty to protect you and your lands from pillage" "does stealing wifi really count as pillage" "if it has 'stealing' in the name, i am legally required to protect you from it; if you are playing baseball, and someone tries to steal second base, i have to take the shot" "good to know" "luckily, i know harpies' natural weakness; i have tied this broom onto a long stick, and will begin beating them with it" Grace marches up to the roof, and Jakey follows. "SHOO SHOO GET OUT OF HERE" Grace begins beating the harpies with her broomstick. "ow could you like stop" "we're just like trying to watch a like ten-hour youtube essay on a videogame and stuff" "WELL DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!" "like we're all settled in and like comfortable?" "yeah like we've got our snacks and like these warm blankets and like hot chocolate?" "and if we like go somewhere else, it'll be like cold chocolate" "and that's like no good at all" "totally" Grace throws down her broomstick and draws her gun. "oh like real mature" "you like can't get what you like want so like you just like pull out a gun as if that like wins you the argument?" "so lame" "totally" Grace shoots at the laptop. "loser" "our laptop is like totally coated in kevlar?" Grace shoots at the mugs of hot chocolate. "like kevlar mugs?" Tired of warning shots, Grace shoots at Harlow. "like kevlar bodice?" "this like totally isn't our first rodeo" "totally" Grace turns to Jakey. "can i borrow a nuclear missile" "i live here, you can't just nuke my house" "i'll build you a new one" "oh no, i saw you playing with those lincoln logs" "it was avant garde" "it would never pass inspection" "then we'll need to hire more worldly inspectors" Jakey and the harpies roll their eyes in unison. Michelle walks up, takes Grace aside, and rolls her eyes as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 060: Family Ties [Emelyn]
"hey jakey do you know where victorrhea is? she's checked out of the hospital" "oh we built her a new clinic in canada because the old one was going to kick her out because timinchinitis isn't a 'real' terminal illness" "i haven't visited her in a long time, since i was shamefully un-personed; i should visit her now" "i'm not certain that's a good idea" "i'm her sister" "no, not legally you aren't" "oh pish posh; PISH and also POSH, I SAY; blood is thicker than the law, and she's in canada now so alabamanian law hardly applies" "all alabamanians are expected to follow alabamanian laws and decrees as well as canadian law while in canada, aside from the king bran, due to our nations' shared friendship" "whatever; i'm going" Emelyn calls up Trixie, who ferries her and Jakey over to the clinic. Emelyn confidently enters the clinic and is confronted by Nurse Panacea. "excuse me, who are you? you're not on the approved visitors list" "i'm emelyn, victorrhea's sister" "huh? it says here that victorrhea only has one sister: jean" "well you see what happened was [...] so really i'm victorrhea's blood sister" "uh-huh, right" "really; take a blood test" "fine" Panacea draws blood from Emelyn and compares it to Victorrhea's sample. "these blood samples are legally unrelated" "wha-" "i'll ask victorrhea if she wants to see you but i doubt it" Panacea heads over to Victorrhea, confers for a bit, then opens the curtains surrounds Victorrhea's bed. Victorrhea lowers her eyelid with her index finger and sticks her tongue out at Emelyn. "i guess the law is thicker than blood" "the fact that you only rarely visited her must also contribute" "i suppose" Emelyn trudges out of the clinic. As a wight, such a gesture is supposed to spark Emelyn's desire for vengeance, but she is far too sentimental for that. Michelle provides Panacea with her own blood sample. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions/King Bran missions]

Mission 061: Election Inspection [Ruth]
"jakey have you voted yet" "uh no" "well everyone else has; once you cast your ballot, i will inspect all the votes and declare the winner of the hellection" "already? i thought this would happen at the end of the month not the middle" "does it really matter? just cast your ballot and vote for whomever you want; it won't change the result, as you are one in a sea of millions" "fine fine" Jakey fills out a ballot and hands it to Ruth. "sweet; give me five minutes" Jakey heads to the perimiter of the stage, where all of the demonesses wait with bated breath. Soon, Ruth appears on-stage to announce the results. "the votes have been tallied, and, as we all know, the candidate with the least amount of votes is executed!!!" "WHAT" "I DON'T REMEMBER THAT PART" "should have read the contract; this year's loser is GREMORY!!!" "WHAT" "please come up to the stage to be incinerated" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE" Gremory attempts to run away, but she is cut down by Ruth's disintegrator ray. "see you in two years grem" "hopefully not" "in fourth place, taking home the hellection home game, is icelia!!!" "icelia is outraged!!!" "yeah whatever; in third place, taking home a gift package from king bran cookware valued at over $500, it's LILITH!!!" "i have been wanting some new cookware" "it all comes down to this folks, echidna and eleatrice remain; the second-place demoness will receive a lifetime supply of mr. fresh's 'harsh mint' toothpaste and a vacation to the sunny hawaiian islands, but who cares about that?! the winner and YOUR interim queen of hell IS!!!" The tension is palpable, but no one dares to palp. "ELEATRICE!!!" Eleatrice looks shocked, and climbs up to the stage, roses falling all over. "you like me!!! you really like me!!!" Eleatrice takes bow after bow and is about to give a speech when Michelle takes away the microphone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions/Lilith missions/Echidna missions]

Mission 062: Friends 'til the End [Mavis Forge]
"jakey have you seen icelia? she's been missing since the hellection" "no sorry" "aw man we've tried everything; we called her phone, we yelled out 'MARCO' but did not receive back anything resembling a 'polo', and now we're out of ideas" "have you checked the weather report" "oh i get what you're going for" Mavis checks the weather. "yes, there's a hailstorm across town; let's go" Jakey loads up with the girls into the van, and they all head out for the hailstorm. "icelia can we talk a minute" "icelia can't talk now; icelia is too busy angrily calling up this hailstorm" "icelia, listen; we want you to join our band for the long haul" "what" "millions of people love to hear icelia's song, including us" "if the world loves icelia's song so much, why did the world not vote for icelia in the hellection?!" "if you won, would you continue to sing your song out in the world?" "no, why would icelia do that? icelia would be busy as queen of hell" "exactly; people didn't vote for you because they didn't want to lose you as a singer" "you are right; the people love icelia, and don't want icelia stuck behind some desk; icelia's song is too beautiful to be trapped in an office" The hailstorm stops, and Icelia descends upon the group. "icelia will join your band, but the name must change" "to what" "icelia and icelia's friends" "i like it" "icelia putting icelia's name in the band's name twice really shows off what the people are getting" "i agree" "icelia and icelia's friends' first album will be called 'icelia's odyssey'" "album? i thought you didn't want people to listen to your song whenever they wanted" "the album will be released exclusively on self-destructing vinyl so that after it is listened to once, it will destroy itself; this way, people will appreciate icelia's odyssey even more because they have to buy a new copy every time they want to listen to it" "brilliant" Michelle walks up with an armful of hailstones. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 063: Mixed Bag [Ichoria]
"hey ichoria how's life" "a mixed bag" "really" "first that vampire steals my blood recipe and makes blood magick earn its K, which was MY life's ambition, which made me absolutely livid" "naturally" "but then her perfected blood formula is what allows me to stay awake all night and sleep until noon, like a normal person" "naturally" "i just don't know what to think; i now have the time and means to fulfill my dreams, except they've already been fulfilled by someone else" "that happened to me once" "really?" "when i was in school, i wanted to write a hit song about rubies but then those damn kaiser chiefs did it for me and now no one wants to even hear the word 'ruby' again" "oh my god those damn kaiser chiefs never miss a beat do they" "i tried to form the angry mob to take them down but no one wanted to come along; it's really sad when i predict a riot but nothing happens" "indeed" Michelle walks up and pats Jakey on the back, comfortingly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 064: Unexpected Problems [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, which is calmly answered by a singed Valerie. "what happened" "y-you r-remember that e-expensive c-candelabra shovel" "yeah?" "i-it b-burned m-me a-all over wh-when i-i-i-i t-tried to u-use it" "oh that sucks, but what about the turntable" "i-i-i-i'm s-scared of c-candelabras n-now s-so i-i-i-i h-haven't used it" Jakey slaps his face with his hand. "s-sorry" "it's fine, i'll just regift them" "r-really?" "yeah it's not difficult" Jakey makes a call on his phone, and then a call out into the yard. "OCTAVIA" "WHAT" "COME HERE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIFT" Like a streak of light, Octavia appears in front of the doorway. "have you been digging those graves with your hands" "yeah, it's kind of a drag; punching the dirt over and over makes it take a long time" "well, take this; it's a shovelabra, which can both dig holes and cook meat at the same time" "sold" Octavia takes her new shovelabra and zips back to continue her work as Valerie's assistant. Just then, a truck pulls up carrying another orc. "hey jakey you said you had a $20,000 present for me? that's one expensive present; i wasn't sure if i should decline it and wait for you to insist, or just take it and say thanks so i'll leave it up to you" "just take it and say thanks" Jakey motions to the Turntabelabra. "oh sweet i always wanted one of these" Oslynn picks up the turntable with her orcish strength and places it into her truck. "thanks jakey for blowing $20,000" "any time" Oslynn pulls out of Valerie's yard. "all's well that ends well" Valerie shrinks back into her house, embarrassed. Michelle grows out of Valerie's house, emboldened. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions/Nilla Waphyr missions]

Mission 065: Back to Basics [Otomi]
"hey jakey do you know of any good animes; i'm trying to get in touch with my weeaboo roots" "not really my scene" "oh well nevermind; i still need to finish boku no super magical kawaii desu show-kun" "oh yeah that's a classic" "either way, i suppose it's time to report in to my assigned ghost career" "did they open up a new ecto-burger location" "thankfully not; i'm simply supposed to haunt someone but i'm not quite sure who" "didn't eleatrice tell you who you're supposed to haunt?" "i asked, and she said 'it's unimportant', which makes me think i have freedom of choice" "i'm not quite sure that's what she meant" Just then, Unimportant bursts in. "jakey you've got to help me!!! my horoscope today said i'm going to be haunted by a ghost!!!" "oh yeah; this is otomi" "hey" "hey" "do you know of any good animes" "my horoscope yesterday told me to binge-watch super rival fighter battle X and it was pretty good" "is that the one where the hot-blooded hero fights his eternal rival several times over the course of the show, only to team up with him later on to fight an even bigger evil" "yeah that's it" Michelle walks in and hands Unimportant a DVD copy of Super Ultra Rival Fighter Master Battle Y's first season. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Unimportant missions]

Mission 066: Problems with Everything [Lianne Bosque]
"jakey we've got a problem" Lianne motions toward her patrons, half of which are having seizures, and half of which are turned away from the dance floor. "that one girl's still moving and also grooving" "oh that's liona; she's a dancing machine that one""and the karaoke room's looking pretty lively" "larissa has never given up the microphone even once; she's got chords of steel" "see? your named background characters are doing just fine" "those two girls could have their entire families murdered right in front of them and continue dancing/singing" "what absolute troopers" "whatever you want to call it, this glitch zone shit is simply not working" "so turn it off" "oh, good idea; i hadn't thought of that" Lianne flips a switch, returning the club to normal. The seizures cease, and the party resumes. "nothing fazes these people does it" "once, larissa started choking on a piece of cocktail shrimp, and still grabbed the microphone and sang the next song flawlessly while choking" "strange" "and liona once broke her leg doing a move, and proceeded to continue dancing on it all night" "wild" Michelle begins choking on a piece of cocktail shrimp. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 067: A Kill in the Spirit World [Sophia]
"jakey you've got to help me; i took this contract from that christie girl who hates echidna and she's running me ragged" "how so" "every day she has a new plan to kill echidna and they're all terrible!!! i mean really, poisoning every can of soup at echidna's house? she doesn't even like soup!!!" "she doesn't?" "i've never seen her eat soup; she's always eating mice like any other snake would" "then why does she have so much soup" "maybe she likes the way the cans look" "fair; paintings of soup cans are pretty popular" "hey jakey can you take out a contract on christie so i can legally kill her" "that would be a conflict of interest, wouldn't it?" "it wouldn't conflict with my interests" "fair enough i suppose" Jakey writes up a contract just as Christie enters the room. "okay sophia what we're going to do is pose as pilots on echidna's vacation flight right? then we're going to crash-" Sophia shoots Christie dead. "i'm glad that's over" "she'll probably come back as an undead something or other" "no way, i used consecrated bullets; guaranteed no undead or your money back" "nice" Michelle walks in and dances on Christie's corpse. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 068: Gone Wrong [Jean]
"so jean how's life" "easy and breezy, just the way god intended" "past generations toiled so we wouldn't have to" "amen" Just then, a loud explosion comes from the adjoining wizard's tower. Jakey and Jean immediately head out to see what's wrong. "ortence what did you do" "oh hi guys i kind of uh accidentally opened a portal to hell and not the good upper-class part of hell; the real slummy ghetto part of hell where all the gangs hang out" Zombies begin crawling out of Ortence's portal. "can you close it" "i've been trying but as long as no rival gang members come out of the portal, we should be good" Just then, members of the rival wights gang appear. "oh no" "the zombies are doomed; they're only able to keep a foothold in hell because of their sheer numbers, but those three zombies over there don't stand a chance" "jean turn into a bulldozer and doze them all back through the portal" "that's a good idea" Just as Jean is about to transform, a powerful lich appears from the portal and disintegrates the wights. "i am the powerful lich, rosalich!!! KNEEL BEFORE MY POWER!!! my zombie army stands ready behind this portal!!!" "got it" Ortence closes the portal. "oh dang" Rosalich looks around nervously. "can someone give me a lift back home" "jakey can do it" "no, legally, i can't" Michelle nods. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ortence missions/Rosalich missions]

Mission 069: The Queen Is Dead, Long Live the Queen [Eleatrice]
"congratulations on your victory eleatrice" "oh thanks; i didn't realise just how much rigamarole this whole process would entail though" "what kind of rigamarole" "first, there were like a thousand interviews, then i had to go through six days of orientation" "i thought that was the point of you getting january all to yourself" "you'd think, but no, i actually learned how hellish government works; did you know that there are checks AND balances?" "no, really?" "yeah, i thought i could just do whatever i wanted but apparently i've got to check myself before i wreck myself, then balance my actions with the desired outcome" "jezzie didn't do either do i'm sure you'll be fine" "now i have to wait for my portrait artist to arrive and paint me like one of her orc girls" "fun fun" "oh well, it's a small price to pay for unlimited demonic power" "at least for the next year" "oh, i thought about that and i'm going to build defense turrets around all the places jezzie likes to coup so hopefully she'll give up and let my reign continue unabated" "i don't know, she loves to abate" "unfortunately" Alison walks in and sets up her easel. "whoops can't talk gotta pose" Eleatrice poses for her portrait as Alison slaps paint all over her canvas. Michelle gives Eleatrice bunny ears. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions]

Mission 070: Fore Score [Eleatrice]
"what are you up to eleatrice" "i'm watching golf" "i didn't take you for the golf type" "it's really fun when you're queen of hell and get to influence the results; watch" Jakey turns to the TV. "and welcome back to the orcish women's golf championships or OWGC; i'm your host, orelie leavitt; next up to putt is odilia morgane; if she sinks this final putt, she wins the tournament; it's a long putt, but orelie has done more tricky putts in this very tournament" Odilia hits her putt, which is right on course for the hole and the championship. Eleatrice flicks her wrist, and the ball diverts slightly and misses the hole. "a heartbreaking sudden gust of wind for odilia; if she sinks this putt, however, she can still tie up the championship, and go into a putt-off" Odilia centers herself, and putts once more. Eleatrice flicks her wrist, and, again, the ball is diverted from its hole. Odilia smashes her club against the green, breaking it in half. "a heartbreaking loss for odilia morgane; this means our orcish golf champion is none other than michelle!!!" Michelle grabs her trophy and waves to the crowd, then looks directly into the camera. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions]

Mission 071: 15-Love [Eleatrice]
"tennis this time?" "oh yes, it's the sport of kings, after all" "are you ruining odilia's day again" "of course; watch" Jakey turns to the TV. "and welcome back to the orcish women's tennis championships or OWTC; i'm your host, orelie leavitt; we rejoin this match at a deuce on the game that will decide the final match; odilia morgane looks to win the tournament for the fourth time in a row; odilia's serve" Odilia serves the ball, straight and true. Eleatrice fickers her wrist, and the ball cruises out of bounds. "an uncharacteristic error from odilia; advantage to her opponent" Odilia centers herself, and receives a serve. Odilia smacks the ball perfectly to bounce right inside the lines. Eleatrice flicks her wrist once more, and the ball is swept out of bounds. Odilia smashes her racket against the clay, snapping it in two. "another mistake from odilia gives her opponent the win; this means our orcish tennis champion is none other than michelle!!!" Michelle grabs her trophy and waves to the crowd, then looks directly into the camera. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions]

Mission 072: High Technology [Victorrhea]
"hey jakey check out this new medical monitoring system i've got; this is my illness terminal" "what's it do" "this terminal monitors my illness to see if it's gone away on its own or not" "and?" "it sadly has not" "well, maybe next time" "i await it with bated breath" Panacea lugs a large disc over to Victorrhea's bed with both hands. "time for your pill victorrhea!!!" "this is the worst part" Victorrhea opens wide, and Panacea jams the pill down her throat. "why don't they just have victorrhea take a large number of smaller pills" "it can be a boring hour or a painful five seconds, and i chose the pain" "well, as long as you're happy" Victorrhea glances over at her illness terminal. "aw damn" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey an even bigger pill. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 073: On Live [King Bran]
"and welcome back to the show; i'm here today with king bran of alabama, who is here to share his thoughts about the recent hellection; king bran, hello" "hello" "so tell me: what do you think of the aforementioned results" "well, i'm glad gremory got incinerated, but i wish we could have also incinerated icelia" "a common sentiment" "but enough about the hellection; it's over and it happened" "right" "i've got to say - did you see that golf championship?" "yes, i would hope so, as i was commentating it" "oh right; ANYWAY, the chips on that one fell perfectly; i was nervous at first, but i'm glad that i put all that money on the eventual winner, odilia morgane" "uh what?" "what do you mean what?" "odilia won; i watched all 17 holes" "uh kb? golf has 18 holes" King Bran's face goes pale. "uh brb" King Bran races off to watch the last hole. "OH GODDAMMIT!!!" "and that's all for today's show folks; if you like what you heard, consider donating to our patreon; last week, we made six cents" Orelie does her signature wave, despite the fact that it's a radio show. Michelle takes King Bran's money, having bet on herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 074: Field Work [King Bran]
"hey king bran; it's weird to see you out and about" "i am righting a wrong" "and what would that be" "golf simply has too many holes so i have borrowed this cement mixer from the construction lady and am filling this hole with concrete" "i'm sure everyone will love what you've done with the place" "not just this place; i'm on a world tour, filling every 18th hole with cement" "that sounds a bit excessive and obsessive; how much money did you lose anyway" "six trillion dollars" Jakey spits out his drink. "okay i can see why that would be a problem" King Bran begins filling in hole after hole, all across the world. Soon, King Bran has filled every single 18th hole in the world. Michelle then begins filling in every 17th hole. "MICHELLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING" Michelle hides her cement mixer behind her back. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 075: WWED [Icelia]
"jakey this hellection home game is driving icelia crazy!!!" "yeah my sister always beats me when we play" "icelia is in the same boat!!! no matter how many times icelia plays, stacy always wins!!!" Icelia flips the table, but Stacy remains asleep. "are you leveraging your hellection assets properly" "icelia is leveraging with the best of them!!! it's those damn choice cards where icelia falls behind!!!" "well what kinds of choices are you making" "the kinds of choices icelia always makes!!! icelia changes for no man!!! no woman!!! not even a child!!!" "that explains why you're losing; the home game is modeled after the real hellection, so you need to make choices like eleatrice in order to win" "icelia would rather die than compromise icelia's principles" "then icelia will never win the hellection home game" "so be it" Michelle finishes setting up the Hellection home game, but Icelia storms off. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]