Quite a Thing to Behold (2025)

Mission 026: Drawn and Quartered [Hayden]
"hey hayden" "hey hey" "so how's working for every demoness at once going for you" "it's a living, or maybe a dying; i'm not sure" "so it's all going well?" "i wouldn't say that; the demonesses love to give me conflicting orders" "such as?" "just today, eleatrice told me i should save the local population of voles, as they have been evilly terrorising the local gardens, but icelia told me to kill all the voles, calling them an eyesore" "so what did you end up doing" "well, i decided to find a middle-ground; i merely insulted the voles and really hurt their feelings; this way, they will work on their appearances, and continue to terrorise gardens for revenge" "this is why the demonesses rely on you; you're a problem-solver" "thanks for that; it makes me glad i died instead of going to college" "i thought you looked young for a ghost" "i died on my senior class trip; put a real damper on graduation" "i'll bet" "it wasn't even raining; how could anyone have expected i'd be struck by lightning? well, aside from my horoscope which said i'd be struck by lightning BUT STILL" "always gotta pay attention to those horoscopes" "i learned my lesson, albeit a bit too late" "did you get a cool gravestone at least" "i have an entire mausoleum; it's one of those diamond ones they used to make before you murdered canada's only gravedigger" "oh, i have one of those" "they're pretty nice; i'd like to visit my grave more often, but i have zero autonomy as a ghost" "what's your full name? i'll go visit it sometime maybe" "hayden arabella hughes" "oh, this is triggering some memories i hadn't remembered for a long time" "oh?" "yeah, i know your mother" "does she ever mention me? i haven't been able to visit" "she's gone insane" "yeah that sounds like her; is she obsessing over my cousin scarlett" "yeah" "i'll have to negociate some time off" "probably a good idea" Michelle walks up to Jakey with a megaphone. "TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/Arabella missions]

Mission 027: Source of Malcontent [Hayden]
Jakey walks into the local ghost bar, having received a call from Claire that Hayden is causing a ruckus. "oh there'sh jakey!!! what a guy that guy" "hayden how much have you had to drink" "i don't know maybe like five" "five?" "hundred" "do you want to talk about it?" "oh i've done nothing BUT talk about it but for you? i'll tell you: sho you know icshelia right? she tellsh me 'ghost girl (that'sh me) go fetch MY package outshide; it'sh the BIG one shaped like a rectangle' sho i go and grab it for her ushing a complexsh sheriesh of leversh and pulleysh that can bridge the GAP between ghoshthood and humanship right? then you know what happensh? lilith comesh up and tellsh me shomeone'sh SHTOLEN her package and it'sh big and shaped like a rectangle and i'm like 'oh shit who do i believe' right? sho i tell icshelia about my encounter with the lilith and you know what she shaysh? she shaysh to me that the package may have been addresshed to the lilith, but ash future queen of the hellsh, any package AT the wicked chateaoo'sh doorshtep belongsh to her and her alone and i tell lilith about thish and she and icshelia have a big fight and lilith docksh MY pay for giving her package to icshelia and i ashk icshelia if she'll do anything about thish shincshe i gave her the package like a good shervant and she jusht pretendsh she doeshn't hear me and it'sh not like i can complain to the human reshourcshesh shincshe that'sh my job sho i've been hanging out with my besht buddy claire" "i didn't even know you ghosts got paid" "THAT'SH ANOTHER THING!!! i didn't realishe but now i do and like what even do i get out of all thish?!" "you really should have been angrier in life so you could become a wight instead" "no one told me that high shchool wash the good timesh; that i'd be shlaving away for a quintet of demonesshesh that don't care one lick about me at all" Just then, Eleatrice floats through the ghostly facade of the bar. "hayden listen i heard all about your little spat with lilith and icelia and i just need to tell you that i value your contributions and also value having a happy, productive undead workforce, so i have decided to not only undock your pay, but also to give you a 20% raise" "YESH THANK YOU MISSH ELEATRICSHE!!!" Hayden passes out from both joy and the alcohol. "isn't a 20% increase on nothing still nothing" Eleatrice puts her finger to her lips. Claire rolls her eyes and drags Hayden outside and into a ghost taxi, which had just dropped off Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 028: Scarlett Fever [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫oh the night is my world; city light, painted girl♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a light elf rushes up the stairs, uncomposed. "jakey it's me laurel the party priestess" "yes, i remember" "listen, i've got to speak to scarlett it's urgent" "scarlett is currently in the bath" "♫I!!! I LIVE AMONG THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT; I HAVEN'T GOT THE WILL TO TRY AND FIGHT♫" "i get it but this is important; i'm in a slump and i need new party tricks, and i was hoping a werewolf would provide some" "she can provide you with what you need after her bath" "dude i'm jonesing" "well you can simply continue to jones; you are not getting past me" "wait i have an idea brb" Laurel runs down the stairs and returns with Michelle. Jakey slaps tape over Michelle's mouth. Michelle is simply dumbfounded. "not happening" "spoilsport" Everyone waits outside of Scarlett's bathroom until she exits in her towel. Laurel moves in to accost Scarlett, and Michelle rips the tape off of her mouth. "i respect the necessity of what you just did, but please refrain from ever doing that again" "no promises" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Laurel missions]

Mission 029: Angles of Angels [Piper]
"hey piper it's been a while" "well, you've been cavorting with demonesses, which is not my scene" "fair enough; how's being an angel treating you" "on the one hand, my breast implant charity has reached far more people in the last year since my death, but on the other, i strongly dislike everything else" "yeah, blonde isn't really your colour" "not just that, but the other angels are just the worst; i have no idea how they even became angels" "probably showed up the day heaven opened" "that must be it, because they've all got tenure and they just lord it over me" "do they have a special tenured employee lounge" "YES!!! and it's got a fridge full of mountain dew flavours i've never even heard of!!!" "say no more; i will get you into that lounge" "i knew i could count on you" "first i need to get to heaven, preferably without dying" "oh" Piper puts away her gun. "well, we could take the portal i suppose" Piper detaches her halo and tosses it out in front of herself, revealing it as a portal to Heaven. "THAT'S what the halo is for? i thought it was a fashion statement" "it can be both things" Jakey and Piper enter Heaven, and Jakey breathes in its pure fluffy white air. "i feel like this air is missing something" "yeah, you get used to all the leftover smog residue from the 1800s and it's really hard to adjust" Jakey heads for the tenured employee lounge, and catches Angie as she's exiting. "JAKEY?! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY IN THAT WOODCHIPPER!!!" "i'm not dead, i'm just visiting" "is that allowed?!" "i don't know; maybe you should check your employee handbooks" "right good idea" Angie flies off, leaving Jakey and Piper alone at the door. "it's locked up tight, but luckily i brought a little friend who can fix that quickety split" Jakey opens his pocket, and Mary flies out. "yes sir i'll get it open in a spiffy jiffy" Mary flies at the lock and begins picking it open, as she learned in the Pixington Scouts. Soon, it's cracked open like a safe. "good work mary; now let us reap the rewards" "yes sir!!!" The group enters the tenured employee lounge and begins ransacking the fridge. "THEY'VE GOT MOUNTAIN DEW PITCH BLACK!!!" Jakey salutes the poster of Jack White hung on the wall, just as Angie walks in. "okay jakey it appears that you are allowed to visit heaven, but you can't enter the tenured employee lounge" "right, right, cool" "wait a moment" Angie looks around. "oh dammit what did i just tell you?!" "that i'm allowed to visit heaven, and now my visit is over; let's go everyone" Piper throws her halo, and the trio escapes back to their flat Earth. "i'm sure that will not have any repurcussions" "we'll be fine; somewhere, the spirit of jack white is smiling down upon us" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek as Michelle approaches in her refrigerated truck. "take me home (and bring the mountain dew pitch black)"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 030: Divine Punishment [Piper]
"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING" "i was thinking i wanted some of your mountain dew" "you could have just asked me to get you a bottle" "would you have gotten me a bottle if i'd done that" "uh irrelevant" Jakey walks up to the argument between Piper and Angie. "what's going on here" "oh jakey good, you need to see this; i am going to punish piper for her crimes" "how so" "we angels work on a ranking system; each facet of the angel's appearance functions as a badge of honour; our feathery wings, our golden halos, our brilliant white outfits, and, of course, our beautiful blonde hair" "so what are you taking away" "piper will no longer be allowed to wear our angelic blonde until she atones for her crimes" Angie throws the book at Piper, which has been signed by Eleatrice, and turns Piper's hair back to its original brown. "does this make you regret your actions" "uh yeah totally" "good; i hope to see you regain that blonde soon" Angie throws her halo, and returns to Heaven. "so, worth it?" "yes, i received zero negative consequences; i was rewarded by getting both things i wanted, and have learned much" "i'm glad everything has worked out for everybody" Michelle walks up to Piper and attempts to sell her some blondening agent, but is rebuffed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 031: A Sign of the Times [Sabrina Sable]
"what are you working on today sabrina" "oh it's a masterwork; a grand sign giving directions to the new tourist destination, the dragonic peak" "really? i thought dragons were a reclusive people" "well i've been approached by a trio of dragon ladies who say otherwise; if only one or two had come, i'd have ignored it, but three? that's a convincing number" "so what font are you using for the sign" "oh i'm really excited about it; i'm using gabriola" "beautiful; a perfect font for a mountain full of dragon ladies" "drita suggested palatino linotype, which is cool and all, but i went over the top for this one" "tastefully over the top" "naturally" "i'm also working on the labels for their fine wines, aged for thousands of years over the dragonfires" "and the gabriola ties everything together beautifully" "it's really nice to talk to someone who appreciates typefaces; my cousin molly is always rolling her eyes and nodding off when i get into when you should use a sans font vs a serif font" "the school curriculum teaches kids all kinds of useless shit like trigonometry and astronomy, but there's no courses on typefaces" "i've petitioned my local congressman, but i was laughed at" "it's a sad state of affairs" Michelle walks up and holds up her sign, written in a beautiful Bahnschrift Light. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Drita missions/Molly missions]

Mission 032: Confessor Professor [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina you look fancy" "thanks, i thought about what you said, and i am going to teach an adult education course on typefaces" "i can think of no one better-suited; you're a fount of information on fonts" "thanks; i'm heading there now, wish me luck" "will do" Jakey sits down and watches the game until Sabrina gets back. "how'd it go" "no one showed up" "what?! are you okay?" "i'm fine; i did all my crying earlier" "that's just no good; i'm going to fix this" "oh are you going to travel back in time and convince people to show up so the me in the new overwritten timeline thinks people have a genuine interest in fonts when in fact it was you behind the scenes" "that's way better than my idea" "oh? do tell" "i was going to kidnap a bunch of people and force them to watch your presentation on fonts" "luckily, i won't know you said that in the new timeline" "god bless time travel" Jakey hops into the nearby time machine, and travels back in time to convince a bunch of random people he knows. "hey unimportant did you know that each typeface has its own correlation with an astrological sign? you can learn more at sabrina sable's adult eduction class at the civics center" "i am SO THERE" "hey amber did you know that the font you choose to advertise each car you sell can have a huge influence on your sales? you can learn more [...]" "i'm heading there now" "hey trixie did you know that the proper typeface can calm down even the most potent of murderous impulses? [...]" Trixie teleports off. "that's three; a convincing number, but not a suspicious one" Jakey returns to the time when Sabrina comes home from her class, and she positively bursts down the door with excitement. "JAKEY!!! THREE WHOLE PEOPLE SHOWED UP!!! THAT'S TRIPLE WHAT I EXPECTED!!!" "i'm happy for you" "so am i; if four had showed up, i'd have been convinced that someone tampered with the timestream, but three is a very comfortable number in that regard" "my thoughts exactly" Michelle warps in in her time machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 033: A Clumsy Mistake [Unimportant]
"hey jakey good timing can i get some help here" "of course i-what the FUCK" Jakey looks to see Unimportant with three knives embedded into her leg. "how did THAT happen?!" "my horoscope told me to practice my knife-juggling, but i'm not very good at it" "apparently" "can you take me to the hospital before i bleed out" "let me call the teleporting taxi" "oh good idea" Jakey calls up Trixie, who teleports into the room. "where to chief" "unimportant needs to go to the hospital" "yeah i'll say; was it an attempted murder" "you know, maybe it was" "well i'll take her but please try not to call me up around things that may trigger my murderholism" Trixie warps off with Unimportant, then warps back shortly with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 034: Double or Nothing [Lilith]
"and welcome back to our show today; as always, i am orelie leavitt, and today's guest is, once again, lilith the demoness; lilith, hello" "hello" "so i hear you're here today to address the allegations levied against you on your last appearance" "yes, and i am here to double-down" "double-down?" "the first rule of demonessmanship is never apologise; what i did was wrong, and that is exactly why i did it; i am a demoness trying to be elected queen of hell here; evil is in the job description" "so you're saying you don't regret killing a tenured employee" "no i do not, and i would do it again if the opportunity arose" "bold words from a bold demoness" "the one who levied these allegations against me last time is a coward; she talks a big, evil game, then laughs and laughs and does nothing even approaching my evil; it's frankly insulting that she's running in the same race" "anyone else you'd like to antagonise?" "no, because my other three rivals are all worthy of my respect and of the title rival" "fair enough, i suppose; after the break, we will have an interview with the one and only princess michelle of canada, who swears she remembered to bring her cue cards this time" Michelle realises she forgot her cue cards at home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions]

Mission 035: Bad Times for All [Brooke]
"hey brooke what's with the radar gun" "i've been assigned to traffic wight" "traffic wight?" "i haven't been getting revenge on enough people so eleatrice has assigned me to the traffic beat to get revenge on reckless drivers" "i didn't know they had such a thing; akari always gets her revenge by killing anyone who looks at her funny so she probably doesn't even know there is a quota" "yeah, well, i'm still trying to get into heaven so my revenge is less uh bloody and more reluctant" "that's probably why you're sitting there with a radar gun instead of just doing whatever you'd like" "maybe, but my passion is christ, and even as a legally evil undead, i must adhere to my moral code, governed by the bible" "when was the last time you read that thing anyway" "it's been far too long; i can't even touch a bible any more because they burn my hands" "have you tried wearing oven mitts" "yes, and that just made it worse" "how about reading an online transcription" "the holy light emanating from my browser made me go blind for three days" Just then, Brooke gets a beep from her radar gun. She twists and turns around to shoot out the speeder's tires. The car flips over and over, hitting the side of a building with a fiery explosion. Michelle crawls from the wreckage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 036: Bread Before Bed [Ichoria]
"hey ichoria what's with the IV" "oh hi jakey i have enlisted my new friend victorrhea's help in creating an IV drip full of caffeine and snacks so i can stay up late and work on my blood magic research; i hope to gain enough knowledge of blood magic that it can earn its K and become legally classified as blood magick" "it takes a lot for a magic to gain its K; you may have to stay up until like 9 PM" "i am prepared!!! i have never been so energised and not-tired in my life!!!" The moonlight streams into Ichoria's lab, and she begins feverishly working on her blood research, the bags instantly forming under her eyes as the night goes on. At exactly 7:32, half an hour after the sunset, Ichoria passes out on top of her blood research, spilling it everywhere and negating the progress she'd made. Jakey makes a phone call. "hey gwendolyn? we've got a uh spill here you may be interested in cleaning, if you-" Before Jakey can finish his sentence, Trixie teleports Gwendolyn into the lab. "oh is this one of those new blood elves i've heard so much about?" "yeah, she stayed up a whole half hour after the sun set" "what a trooper" Gwendolyn begins licking the blood off of Ichoria's lab table. "this is delicious" "well, she was going at it pretty hard there" "i'm just going to make a copy of these research notes if that's all right" "i'm sure she won't mind" Michelle walks in and hands Gwendolyn her shirt, which is stained with the blood of some guy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 037: Fandom [Siobhan]
"hey sioby, i see that you're an eleatrice fan" "yeah, the posters kind of give it away, don't they" "and the 'vote for eleatrice' t-shirt" "she's clearly the best candidate; the rest have really deep-seated issues" "i think they're supposed to represent the seven deadly sins" "despite the fact that there are five of them" "jezzie counts as six, and icelia's cousin stacy too" "okay so lay it on me" "lilith is wrath, seeing as how she killed thombus" "okay" "icelia is pride" "obviously" "stacy is sloth" "because she's lazy" "right; gremory thinks so highly of herself, so she's pride" "i thought icelia was pride" "icelia is greed because she hoards her song to herself" "nice pivot" "jezzie was gluttony, because despite the fact that she had the whole evil empire, she always wanted more" "okay" "echidna is envy because she's envious of how well non-snakes are treated" "a stretch" "eleatrice must be lust then" "how so" "process of elimination" "the last two kind of sink your theory" "well just give them more time; i'm sure eleatrice will act more lustful soon and echidna will act more uh envious" "sure sure" "so what are you up to" "i'm planning to steal all the votes that aren't for eleatrice after they're cast because they are invalid" "how so" "they're for the wrong candidate" "is that how it works? this is my first election" "you were president of the united states not too long ago" "i don't remember that" "maybe i was confusing you with someone else" "must have been" "either way, i'm sure the lesser demonesses are hiring someone to do the same thing, so i'm also prepared to meet them in mortal combat" "what if you die in the attempt" "then i died for a good cause" Michelle salutes Siobhan for her service. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions/Echidna missions]

Mission 038: The Dating Game [Mary]
Jakey enters his apartment and heads over to Mary's drawer. "hey mary can i open the drawer" "yes sir go ahead" Jakey opens the drawer and sees Mary in her pool. "nice pool; ever have anyone over for parties" "i uh don't have any friends my size sir" "really? i figured boy pixingtons would be lining up to be even in the same room as you" "when i was in high school i didn't have a date to the prom and brought a ken doll hoping no one would notice" "i thought he already had a girlfriend" "oh he and barbie broke up and didn't back together until after my junior prom" "that's gotta suck when your prom date dumps you for his ex" "yeah i thought we had a good thing going" "were any of the other pixingtons jealous that you were dating THE ken" "if they were, they hid it well" "did ken at least let you ride in his sports car" "yeah and he even gave me a tour of his dreamhouse" "sick" Michelle walks in and slams a Ken's Dreamhouse Playset onto the desk where Mary's drawer is. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 039: Living the Dream [Mary]
"hey mary uh are you angry about something?" "it's your maid sir" "noriko? what did she do" "since ken's dreamhouse is leased to me, she refused to clean it!!! it would take her no time at all compared to me!!! i'm so busy bolting it to the desk and building a staircase to get from the drawers up to the dreamhouse and she won't even do me a solid" "i'll talk to her" "no need i heard everything" Noriko appears in a puff of smoke and holds out her contract. "my contract, which i signed with the canadian government, states that i am only legally allowed to clean properties purchased, leased, and/or rented in your name" "so the issue is that ken's dreamhouse is leased to mary and not me" "correct; also the owner providing the terms of the lease is ken, and you are not ken" "so even if i personally asked you to clean ken's dreamhouse" "i wouldn't be able to" "what if i asked grace to do it" "don't drag me into this" "she'd be legally required to clean ken's dreamhouse, provided you have a temporary bodyguard in her place" "perfect; grace, please clean ken's dreamhouse while noriko guards my body" "fine whatever" Grace falls from the air vent and begins cleaning Ken's Dreamhouse with her tiny steamcleaner. Soon, Ken's Dreamhouse is both more spick and more span than it's ever been. "can i return to my vent now" "go right ahead" Grace climbs into her vent, and Noriko returns to her stories. Michelle walks up and places a GI Joe into Ken's Dreamhouse. "MISS MICHELLE PLEASE!!! the lease agreement clearly stated that gi joe was NOT allowed in the dreamhouse!!!" Michelle retrieves her GI Joe action figure. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Grace missions]

Mission 040: Wight Makes Right [Akari]
"jakey have you seen that movie that came out last year" "the one with emelyn right" "the wight who drives a cab" "right" "i saw it last night and it was so beautiful; i cried" "i didn't think you could cry" "neither did i, but here we are; and i will have my revenge" "pardon?" "you heard me" "you want to get revenge on someone for moving you to tears" "let me put it this way: if someone made your sister cry, what would you do" "the word 'disembowel' comes to mind" "see? same thing" "fair enough i suppose; tell me though: how does one unkillable spirit of vengeance get revenge on another unkillable spirit of vengeance" "good point; i suppose i'll just have to make her cry as well" "i'll give you her number if you leave me out of it from here on" "deal" Jakey gives Akari Emelyn's phone number, and heads to wait in a dark corner of the room. Akari calls up Emelyn and lays her trap. As Emelyn walks in the door, Akari expertly throws a series of daggers at the onions she's taped to the wall. The resulting onion gas causes Emelyn to tear up horribly. "there, now we're even" "what the FUCK" "your movie made me cry, so i got revenge on you by making you cry with my onions" "you're a fucking weirdo" "so i've been told" Jakey spots Michelle walking into the range of the onion gas, and he dives through to protect Michelle from the tear-inducing vapours. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 041: A Hop, Skip, and a Jump [Fang]
"hey fang are you feeling better" "yeah, i keep forgetting to ask about the ingredients before eating foreign food with these dumb allergies" "your hopping rate has returned to normal i see" "yeah, that was a rough week, but i'm back to my traditional hop" Just then, Ruth pops out of a nearby bush. "i've finished with my bush inspection so now it's time for a HOP INSPECTION" "oh boy" "hello my name is ruth barlow, i'm with the inspection board" "inspect away officer" "hmm 4.1-inch hop; tighten that up a little bit" "okay" Fang hops slightly lower, consistently hitting four inches exactly. "your speed is good, but what the hell are your arms doing" "i uh can't put them down" "oh i thought you wanted a hug" "i wouldn't object" "maybe next time" Ruth stamps Fang's knees with her "PASSED" stamp, and spots a bird in the sky. "FLIGHT INSPECTION; GET BACK HERE" Michelle hops up to Jakey, her arms out perpendicular to her body. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 042: Community Service [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice, signing books again?" "well, if someone asked me to, i wouldn't say no, but this one's community service" "really" "i have power over electricity and thustly can charge people's electronic devices" "how altruistic" "it's a campaign gimmick" "naturally" "and, of course, after charging their phones, i charge their credit cards" "but they won't get the bill until after they vote" "exactly; it appears altruistic on the face, but is actually evil and self-serving; that's my particular brand of evil" Michelle walks up and slaps down her phone, her remote-controlled car, her flashlight, her cordless drill, and her portable blender, which all receive a full charge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 043: The Great Depression [Icelia]
"come on icelia you've got to go on stage; we've had this show scheduled for months" "icelia has lost faith in humanity; if icelia sings icelia's song here, it will not be special, because people have listened to icelia's song any time they have wanted" Jakey walks in on the scene. "oh good jakey convince icelia to take the stage; we need her" "mavis, i don't think that anyone is physically capable of convincing icelia of anything" "at least try; i'm at my wit's end" "where's the rest of the band" "jess is over there in the corner, rocking back and forth, and lizzy is in her dressing room, crying" "gather the troops please" "all right" Mavis heads out to gather up the band as Jakey approaches Icelia. "icelia, i know you hate what people have done with your song" "it's a travesty" "well, aside from myself, i know of three people who have never listened to your song from any source but your own lips" The band files in. "the band needs you; even if you hate what the crowd has done by listening to your song through a speaker on a tuesday, you should at least sing it for these three who have stuck by you though the thick and also the thin" "you're right; icelia must sing her song once more, but not for the rabble; icelia's song is still special to icelia and to icelia's backing band" "i was expecting you to say 'friends' but that was just me being foolish" "'fuh-ren-dis'? never heard of it; come, my dear backing band, aid icelia as icelia sings for the ungrateful people icelia's song" "YES!!!" The band runs out as Icelia flies in from above and sings her song. After the tune is over, Michelle crowdsurfs over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mavis Forge missions]

Mission 044: Experiments and Tests [Gwendolyn]
"okay jakey, i've been analysing this formula that blood elf girl had, and just following the recipe makes some delicious blood but i've taken it one step further" "how so" "by imbuing the blood recipe with pixington dust and pumping it through the heart of an orc, i have developed THIS!!!" Gwendolyn triumphantly holds up a phial. "that looks like regular ordinary blood" "yes, but it is the most delicious blood, and it has special effects when imbibed, at least by vampires" "such as" "you know how i usually have to turn into a bat to fly" "yeah?" "check it out" Gwendolyn begins flying around the room. "where's the string" "no strings, just pure blood magick" "with a K even?" "yes, i'm going on orelie's show tomorrow night to talk about it" "and i'm sure the fact that you used someone else's recipe is not going to come up at any point" "i called her up several nights in a row and she never answered" "because blood elves can't physically stay up past sunset" "then she won't hear the radio show anyway" "that's certainly one way to look at it" Michelle comes in and gives Gwendolyn more blood. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ichoria missions]

Mission 045: Factorisation [Arabella]
"jakey, good timing; you're just in time for the grand unveiling of my factory/shopping mall hybrid" "pardon?" "you select the thing you want to buy at the mall segment from all of the things, and it is made for you in the factory right behind the shop, thereby cutting out the supply line!!! it will ring in the retail renaissance!!!" "i hope it's popular because i miss shopping malls" "as does everyone with a soul; go ahead, browse, or even just watch as people you know coincidentally browse at the same time you're here" "will do" Jakey heads out in a random direction, going wherever the whims of the mall take him. Soon, he runs into Valerie. "hey val what's up" "o-oh!!! j-j-jakey!!! g-good t-timing, i-i-i-i n-need your h-help m-making a decision b-between two products" "okay, shoot" "f-first is the a-all-new s-shovelabra!!! i-it's a s-shovel a-and a candelabra a-all in one!!!" "so you light the candles so you have light while you dig" "th-thereby eliminating th-the need t-to juggle a sh-shovel and a l-lantern!!!" "or to risk getting helmet hair with one of those miner's helmets" "n-never heard o-of it" "oh" "th-the s-second product i-is also a-amazing!!! i-it's c-called th-the t-turntabelabra!!!" "a turntable with a candelabra glued to it?" "i-it's s-so much m-more th-than that!!! th-the f-flames of th-the candelabra j-jump a-and d-dance to th-the beat!!! i-it's l-like an i-instant party!!!" "i can see how you would be excited to own both of these, given your two careers" "b-but i-i-i o-only h-have enough m-money for one" Jakey looks at the price tags, and remembers that he's royally rich, and that he gets the employee discount at every store in Canada due to being the prince, as well as the fact that he is exempt from paying taxes. Jakey carries both items to the counter, where Shopkeepour is chewing a fresh stick of Juicy Fruit chewing gum. "i'll take both of these" "that'll be 30,000 dollars" Jakey slides his official Prince of Canada ID across the counter. "sir this ID is expired" "oh, right; i never did renew that" Jakey forks over the full $30,000, but at least doesn't have to pay any taxes on it, and gives them both to Valerie. "o-oh w-wow!!! h-how can i-i-i-i e-ever repay you!!!" "don't worry about it; i'm sure that my escapades have caused you untold suffering, either in this timeline or another, or maybe even ancestrally" "p-probably; th-thanks a b-bunch!!!" Valerie loads her new items into her truck and drives off, excited to try out each. Michelle walks up and shows off her freshly-renewed Princess of Canada ID. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 046: Bartenderisation [Claire Who Is a Ghost]
"so, tending bar?" "yeah, echidna's got me on the libation squad, and it's way better than ecto-burger, despite some annoying customers" "such as" "the worst is this sailor ghost who keeps coming in and asking for ghost rum but we don't have any ghost rum; all we have is ghost whiskey and schnapps" "can't you just order some ghost rum" "from where? you can't just make ghost rum; it's found in old shipwrecks and those have all been plundered already" "remind me to never become a ghost; i've seen nothing from your kind other than arbitrary restrictions and annoyance" "ghosts are like nature's jokes; cruel, sick jokes" "we should start teaching our kids to be more angry and vengeful so they become wights instead of ghosts" "i know right? they taught me a lot of dumb bullshit in school that i've never used, but never the things i really wish i'd known" Morgan's ghost floats into the bar. "do you have any ghost rum" "i've told you dozens of times, no" "being a ghost fucking sucks; i've got a terrible fast food job and i can't even drown my sorrows in ghost rum" "yes, you keep saying that" "do you know any exorcists" "try the yellowpages" "oh, yes, i will definitely try that despite the fact that i can't physically interact with them" "maybe someone coincidentally has her copy open to the exorcists section and you can bum off of her" "it's worth a shot" Morgan floats out, and Michelle walks in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 047: Life's a Glitch [Laurel]
"oh jakey good; i was listening to this fascinating story from my new friend here" "hi, i'm otomi" "hi" "otomi, tell him your life story" "oh all right if you insist" Otomi clears her ghostly throat. "as you can tell, i am an orcish ghost with a japanese name because my parents were weebs" "makes sense" "life was pretty normal until i got tired one day and decided to go lean up against a big rock and rest; turns out that the collision seam between the rock and the ground wasn't properly aligned, and i fell through the world" "to china?" "no, i ended up in the glitch zone, where colours flashed and error codes flew by as the ground got further and further away" "sounds neat" "it was very neat; i wish i'd thought to bring a camera" "this was before the widespread cellular phone craze i take it" "i was still using my old motorola razr, and the camera was busted from general orcish wear and tear" "oh" "so when i fell far enough, i eventually ended up back where i started; right next to that rock, except my body was gone and i was now a ghost" "oh" "but luckily, my motorola razr was also turned into a ghost phone so we'll be together forever, and the camera even works; check it out" Otomi takes a picture of herself and Jakey, then shows it to him on her ghost phone. "okay so what does this have to do with laurel" "OH right sorry i was lost in thought about my own old razr" Laurel sighs, missing the good old days. "i thought that i could use otomi's description of the glitch zone to take lianne's club to the next level, once again" "i'll look forward to visiting about twenty missions from now when it's ready" "cool" Michelle walks up and shows everyone her brand new razr smartphone. "i'm so jealous" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Otomi missions/Lianne Bosque missions]

Mission 048: The Dragon's Ire [Drita]
"hey drita how's tourism going" "oh it's great; i've got drishti giving tours of the elder dragons' houses" "i saw that; she's really getting up in there" Just then, the dragon elder, Drusilla, and her aide, Dragana, stomp up to Drita. "drita, what is the meaning of this" "whatever do you mean" "at first, i thought drishti was just overeager in showing her new friends around, but it's been a constant stream of people in hawaiian shirts all day!!!" "well, the views here are very scenic" "yes, outside, they are, but not in front of my television as i'm trying to watch calamari challenge" "oh, is that what you were watching? i never would have known; i've only been forced to watch it fifty times" "well the rest of us are up to seventy-four, and we notice new details all the time" "yeah, and i'm watching different tv shows and sometimes even going outside and i've noticed way more new things than you have in that time period" "don't you give me any lip drita; you remember what happened to your younger sister, drina" "yeah, she LEFT because she couldn't put up with your bullshit any more after just twenty viewings of calamari challenge; i, meanwhile, thought you'd get it out of your system by thirty, but now i'm trying to bring drina back" Just then, a dragon Jakey's never seen before ascends the mountain. "are you all finally done watching calamari challenge" "not all of us, but the important ones of us; you, me, drishti, and draya over there" Everyone looks at Draya, causing her to hide behind a building. "well if you want me, i'll stay and man a tourist attraction for you" "welcome aboard" Drusilla thows her hands in the air and stomps off with Dragana in tow. Drishti leads the tour, including Michelle, over to where everyone else is standing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 049: Coasting Through Life [Drita]
"hey jakey are you here to ride the rollercoaster" "uh no thanks" "we just built it last night and it took all of our combined efforts to build such a thing" "it certainly is impressive" "could i interest you instead in some dragonic peak tourist junk? we've got buttons, badges, t-shirts, toys, and even postcards" "do you have any bobbleheads" "yes, you can put together a complete set of me, drina, drishti, draya, dragana, and drusilla (more dragons may come in the future)" "i'll take one each of drita, drina, draya, and drishti, then" "oh no it doesn't work like that; these are blind boxes; you buy one at random and see what you get" "95% of them are of dragana aren't they" "i can neither confirm nor deny that" "because i don't want to be stuck with multiple draganas" "you can trade them with your friends" "who also got thirty draganas" "listen, are you going to buy something or not" "do you have any tourist attraction food" "oh yes, but those are in blind boxes as well; just five bucks and you have a chance to win the illusive 1-in-10,000 wagyu!!!" "okay fine i'll buy one" Jakey hands over his money and receives a box. 'thank you for your purchase sir" Jakey opens his box to find a large fountain drink. "95% of these are fountain drinks aren't they" "i can neither confirm nor deny that" "and about that wagyu, you marked that one out to buy yourself later didn't you" "sir, if you're not going to buy anything else, please stand aside for our next customer" Jakey steps aside, allowing Michelle to the counter. Michelle buys a mystery food box and receives a single french fry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 050: Crushed to Bits [Molly]
Jakey walks into the Twilit Forest to see an argument he's glad he's not a part of. "okay listen, let me lay it out for you; my name is gremory, the most evil demoness in the world, and i'm about to win a position as queen of hell" "that's the opposite of what the polls say" "it's all part of my evil strategy; i appear to not be doing well at all, then i surge ahead on polling day and win everything right from under lilith's stupid face" Gremory begins to laugh maniacally. "whatever" "anyway, i could use your people's vote; i need the dark elves to turn evil so i can get their votes" "yeah, no, the dark elves are strictly anti-evil now after what jezzie pulled a few years ago" "oh that jezzie was a tyrant; but i swear you can trust me, marie" "molly" "no, i think it's marie" "well, grainary-" "gremory" "shut up, grainary; we dark elves would rather die than become evil" "all of you? you're clearly projecting" "yeah, projecting confidence" "i was thinking foolishness, but whatever; i'll just have to crush the twilit forest under my queenly boot next month" Gremory leaves, laughing maniacally, and Jakey uses this opportunity to approach Molly. "fucking hate demonesses" "which do you hate more, demonesses or regular elves" "don't make me choose" Michelle walks up. "hi marie; jakey, take me home"
[reward: respect +]