A New Thing (2025 - January)

Mission 001: The Final Frontier [King Bran]
"new year new demoness jakey" "i'm ready; lay her on me kb" "january's demoness is the electric demoness, eleatrice" "sounds like my kind of demoness" "i don't know much about her honestly" "can't be any worse than gremory" "we hope" Just then, on cue, Emelyn walks in and slaps down her synthesiser. She begins to play an electronic tune to signal the arrival of her new boss, who floats into the castle. The synthesiser seems to speak as it says "meet the new boss". "same as the old boss" "hello: hu-mans, i am: the demoness: eleatrice" "are you a robut?" "no: i am just as: fleshy, and: bloodly as: you" "you sure sounds robutic" "robuts are: synthetic facsimiles of: life, that strive to: emulate: me" "the patron demoness of robuts" "correct" "i can tell that this is going to get annoying quickly" Michelle walks in and inserts a quarter into Eleatrice's back slot, which causes her to flash with light. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 002: The Peak of Efficiency [Eleatrice]
"welcome: jakey, to: the wicked chateau, the: temporary location of: the head of: government in: hell" "yes, i am aware; i've been here a few times" "then i assume: you: already know: hayden, and: anima, and: stacy" "and the smoldering corpse of thombus" "poor: thombus, cut down in: the prime of: his life" "eleatrice, do you always talk like that? it's kind of grating" Eleatrice presses a button on the visor over her eyes, revealing her electric blue eyes for the first time. "sorry, that's a function of the visor; it makes me able to analyse everything i see but at the cost of really stilted speech" "can you just like not wear it whenever you don't need to scan things?" "will that help me get votes?" "it certainly wouldn't hurt; i can imagine people not wanting to hear another year of you talking like that" "fair enough i suppose" "are you planning to do anything with thombus's body? he's not the most uh fragrant decoration" "i suppose i'll put him out with the garbage on tuesday" "WAIT" Anima rushes in. "i can rebuild thombus; smarter, faster, stronger" "then why didn't you do that before?" "lilith didn't want me to; she said that thombus's corpse added to the ambiance" "that does sound like her" "so if it's okay with you eleatrice, i'll take thombus to my lab" "knock yourself out" Anima whistles for her zombie horde to carry Thombus away, and to carry Michelle into the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: Courses of Action [Eleatrice]
"oh, hello: jakey, i have: analysed: the most efficient: course of: action, and i: have: discovered: that i: should get: a celebrity: endorsement, for my: campaign" Jakey gestures to the side of his head, and Eleatrice deactivates the visor. "sorry" "it's fine; so which celebrity have you decided upon" "the girl in the tub is the haute commodity these days, but in order to impress her, i would need to take a bath, and i can't get wet" "you're too conductive?" "yes, i would cause a blackout for miles around" "have you tried bathing in a fluid that does not conduct electricity" "such as?" "alcohol" "that will feel real good going up into my orifices" "better than crude oil" "fair" "come on, i've already got it set up at the abandoned house across the street from scarlett's" "oh okay" Jakey and Eleatrice head out to the spot. "okay jakey, guard my bath and don't come in unless i yell 'TORULA YEAST'" "got it" Eleatrice grabs her rubby ducker and heads into the bath, whereupon she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫she's electric; she's in a family full of eccentrics♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, River-Girl marches up the stairs. "jakey, i have been hearing reports of a lot of evil activity at this abandoned house" "there is a demoness in the bath, and she is not to be disturbed" "this is perfect!!! she's in the water, and i can control that water!!! i don't even need to get past!!!" River-Girl attempts to control the water of Eleatrice's bath, but fails miserably. "wh-what?!" "eleatrice is not bathing in water, she is bathing in alcohol" "what why" "she's the electricity demoness; if she is doused with water, the entire city will lose power" "oh that makes sense i suppose" "♫SHE IS ELECTRIC; CAN I BE ELECTRIC TOO♫" "i'll just be going now" River-Girl zips out of the house, not wanting to be electricuted, as electricity is one of her weaknesses. Soon, Eleatrice finishes her bath, and exits the room, completely nude. "lookin good" "thanks" Scarlett walks up the stairs, having heard the jolly tune, and her face goes red immediately. "um i've already pledged my endorsement to echidna so uh bye" Scarlett zips out of the house, embarrassed. "what was her problem" Jakey shrugs, but then reddens himself when Michelle enters the hallway, completely nude. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Scoping Things Out [Eleatrice]
"oh, hello: jakey, i am currently: conversing with: unimportant, about: horoscopes, and: their: importance" "let me guess; she says you're a libra and get more in touch with the arieses" Eleatrice takes off her visor. "how did you know?!" "i've been in this situation a few times already" "BUT what is different this time is that i have an important daily horoscope for eleatrice!!! whereas the horoscopes of the other demonesses all said things like 'take a bath' or 'enjoy the company of others', eleatrice's has more substance!!!" Eleatrice puts on her visor in anticipation. "'be sure not to neglect the other side'" Eleatrice ponders and ponders until finally she understands completely. "my: horoscope is: intended to: mean that: i: should gain: support from: the people on: the other side of: this flat earth that: we: live: on, in the nation of: china" "my thoughts exactly" "so what's the plan" Eleatrice takes off her visor again. "i want to make friends with exactly one undead from china, and have her spread the word of my candidacy to all of her little chinese friends" "how are we going to get all the way to the other side of the world?" "like so" Eleatrice snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear in China. "i'm dizzy" "being upside-down will do that to you" Jakey holds onto a railing for dear life as a young lady hops up to him and Eleatrice. "NI HAO!!! welcome to china!!!" "why is it nighttime here" "we have the opposite time of day you have" "beautiful" "listen, you're one of those chinese hopping vampires, right?" "yes ma'am, i hop to unlive and i unlive to hop" "how would you like to be my campaign manager here in china; getting the chinese undead to come out and vote for me" "we chinese undead do like to be remembered" "and those last three candidates didn't even think of you once" "how rude!!! i accept your offer" Just then, Michelle falls off the side of the map, then falls back up to where Jakey is. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Culture Shock [Eleatrice]
"hey jakey, our new jiangshi friend fang is over and she's not feeling too hot; could you go talk to her?" "on it" Jakey heads outside and sees Fang clutching onto a fence for dear life as she hops up and down. "hey uh fang-" "HOW DO YOU PEOPLE SURVIVE UP HERE" "i thought the same thing down in china" "i feel like i'm upside-down and i'm going to fall up into space and as a jiangshi i can't stop hopping and i've never been so scared before in my life" "hmm" "AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF TYING MY LEGS DOWN SO I CAN'T HOP!!! if i stop hopping, i will die (you know, again)" "that sounds awful" "i have never once wished i wasn't perpetually hopping until today" "i think i know someone who will replace your afraid with a different emotion" "please call her; any emotion is better than this one" Jakey makes a phone call, and soon, Victorrhea appears. "you wanted to see-" Victorrhea stares at Fang, who is still hopping. "oh, rub it in, why don't you?" "what" "i have timinchinitis; i am physically unable to hop" "th-THAT'S TERRIBLE!!!" Fang's afraid is, indeed, replaced with sadness at the idea of never hopping again. "i'm going to become a medical doctor and discover the cure for timinchinitis!!!" "oh cool; most medical doctors are hung up on cancer and it's like HELLO, i was born a cancer!!! what, do i look like a libra to you or something?" "hey wait fang what would happen if you bit victorrhea and gave her your chinese hopping vampirism" "THAT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA!!!" "I AGREE LET'S DO IT" Victorrhea runs over to Fang, who sinks her fangs into Victorrhea's neck. As the Chinese vampirism takes hold, Victorrhea's new Chinese vampirism and Timinchinitis collide within her body; the inability to hop collides with the inability to not hop, and Victorrhea explodes into a bloody mess. "oh no" "I CAN FIX THIS" Jakey begins rounding up chunks of Victorrhea and attempts to use his dumb healing powers to stitch them back together. "NO NO I CAN DO IT" Jakey tries and tries, but to no avail, until Jean poofs herself in. "WHAT THE FUCK JAKEY THAT WAS MY ONLY SISTER" "I CAN FIX THIS" "STAND BACK" Jean shoves Jakey away and uses her genie powers to revive Victorrhea as a normal (but still terminally ill) woman. "let's agree to never do that again" "amen" Michelle walks up and begins hopping alongside Fang. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: Exclusive Rights [Eleatrice]
"and then this one time i found a penny on the sidewalk and used it to buy a new car; back then, money hadn't inflated quite so much, and you could buy anything with just a penny" "fascinating" "what's going on in here" "oh jakey i was told to find arieses and i found one who's a reporter!!! i'm giving violet an exclusive interview" "our readers are dying to know about the upcoming hellection and which candidate we're going to tell them to vote for" "and i take it that's eleatrice?" "yes, i am awed by these little electrical candies she's got" Violet pops another candy and receives a shock. "they're like pop rocks, except bigger and thus better" Jakey grabs a candy and puts it in his mouth. "i don't feel anything" "oh, jakey; you're so silly" "huh?" "everyone knows canadians have a natural affinity to electricity; of course you'd never feel it" "aw" "so anyway, eleatrice, tell me more about the 1980s" Michelle walks in and pops five candies into her mouth, but feels nothing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: Celebrations and Jubilations [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice i never thought i'd see you at the church" "well, there's an aries who works here who i want to make friends with" "good luck with that one" Eleatrice enters the church, and is immediately set upon by Brooke. "GET BACK, FOUL DEMONESS!!! THIS IS A HOLY PLACE!!!" "not any more" "what" "my mere presence inside this building has de-sanctified it" "YOU FIEND!!!" "yes" "IN THE NAME OF CHRIST, I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!" Brooke runs at Eleatrice, but Eleatrice holds her arm out, catching Brooke's head and leaving Brooke running in place. "also, by touching you just now, i have de-sanctified the holy water in your body" "WHAT" "you look much better, not being so glowy" "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT OPERATION COST?!" "far too much; come on, i can be a much better friend to you than a man who you've never met who died over 2000 years ago" "i do what i do so that i can meet him when i die, and be by his side forever as his bride" "the bride of christ, that's a new one" "yes, he was simply waiting for me these 2000 years" "you're funny; i like that" "listen, stop making fun of me and do one of the following: 1, let me kill you; 2, leave and never return; 3, kill me so i can be with my beloved jesus christ" "i'll go with 4, be your best friend forever" "wait what no I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS" Eleatrice grabs Brooke by the hand and flies off, as Brooke tries to escape to the ground below and the sweet release of death. Michelle begins re-sanctifying the church, but gives up when she remembers that her priestess license was revoked back in 2006. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Best Friends Forever [Eleatrice]
"so eleatrice how'd your day out with brooke go" "oh it's great; she's the best best friend i've ever had; we went and got ice cream, then we went to the beauty salon and got matching haircuts" "but your hair looks the same as before, and brooke's was way shorter than yours" "oh right, i meant matching hair growths" "i'm sure she loved that one" "the best part was when she fell off the ferris wheel and i flew down to catch her because that's just what friends do" "that was likely a suicide attempt" "friends don't let friends commit suicide either jakey" "fair enough i guess" "i dropped her off back home and told her i was busy for the next week, but i plan to surprise her tomorrow with a visit; i can squeeze in a quick lunch" "i'm sure she'll be elated" Michelle walks in and hands Jakey an ice cream cone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: At Peace [Eleatrice]
"jakey it's terrible you won't believe what has happened" "brooke killed herself" "okay maybe you will believe it" "well, she's with jesus now, so she'll be happy" "isn't suicide a sin?" "what? since when?" As Jakey and Eleatrice agrue about whether or not suicide is a sin, Brooke stumbles into the room. "ELEATRICE" "brooke!!! you're uh" "looking good brooke" "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE FOR YOU DENYING ME ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN" "i'm so glad you're unliving!!! now we can go get lunch!!!" "I WILL DESTROY YOU" Brooke leaps at Eleatrice, who grabs her by the hand and whisks her away. "and now that you're a wight, i'm legally your boss!!! we get to be together even more often now!!!" "NO STOP CEASE; FACE ME IN COMBAT" "okay, we can do laser tag too, bestie" "UNHAND ME!!! I MUST HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" Brooke and Eleatrice fly away, and Michelle walks in next to Jakey, dressed as a wight. "jakey i have come to get revenge on you for not taking me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Sleepiness [Eleatrice]
"eleatrice, why is brooke locked in the dungeon" "oh she's overstimulated" "what" "i've run the poor girl ragged; she's so hyper that she unknowingly tried to get all the undead to revolt against me" "what a uh terrible mistake that must have been" "she'll calm down in a few hours and be embarrassed at what she's done, but no harm no foul really" "you're taking this nearly-attempted assassination in stide" "i mean, it's not like it would have actually worked; we demonesses specifically need to be killed by royalty" "so king bran could just come in here and kill you if he wanted?" "yeah, but he's pretty hands-off; have you ever once seen him outside his castle" "come to think of it, i don't think i have" Michelle walks up behind Eleatrice and holds a gun to her head. "TAKE ME HOME OR THE DEMONESS GETS IT"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Abuse of Power [Eleatrice]
"jakey, today i feel like abusing my power as demoness and splitting the mystic forest again" "what?" "a long time ago, jezzie split the mystic forest into three parts: the mystic forest, the twilit forest, and the radiant forest" "and this was like two years ago, right?" "what? no, it was in um" Eleatrice looks through her demonic history book. "64,999,999 BC" "let me see that book" "NO it is too dangerous for you to know the demonic histories contained within" "i just want to know what countries have apparently always existed, but i've never known about them" "i'm sure you must know about everything by now; you're like 28" "34" "oof" "the snow elves told me that i don't know all the countries yet" "well i'm sure that you'll find out eventually" "that's the problem" "anyway, i am going to leave my mark on demonic history by finally creating a new brand of elf that is 1: evil, and 2: not lame as hell like regular elves" "you've piqued my interest" "you'll love this part; i unfurl this magic map and-" Eleatrice stares at the magic map in disbelief. "there's a NEW jersey?!" "i was surprised about that one too" "regardless, we must press on" "isn't the forest area already kind of small? you're just cramming elf type after elf type into it and soon they'll run out of room" "good point; i'll get rid of some ocean over here in favour of more forest" "good call; there's entirely too much ocean that could instead be burger shops and convenience stores" Eleatrice wiggles her fingers over the map, and places a new forest next to the Radiant Forest. "BEHOLD, THE SANGUINE FOREST!!!" "sanguine? you mean like blood?" "yes, i have created blood elves!!!" "why not just make some elves into vampires" "blood elves don't drink blood silly; they harness it to power their magicks" "oh you know it's serious when they had the K to 'magic'" "i know right? also they enjoy being outside in the sun and are up from dawn until dusk, when they go to bed so they can get up as the sun rises" "okay that's fucking weird; no one gets up that early" "except blood elves" "you're defying nature; if god wanted us to get up when the sun rose, he'd have made the sun rise at noon" "it's wonderful, isn't it?" "it's creepy" Michelle rolls out of bed, and looks at the clock, which says it's 3:45. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Complaints and Problems [Eleatrice]
"jakey good to see you; this is molly, a dark elf, and also an aries; we're hitting it off" "we are NOT hitting it off; i am complaining to you about where you put the sanguine forest" "how do you even know about that? i modified everyone's memory" "i was wearing my tinfoil hat, which protects me from invasive thought-manipulation" "oh dammit" "why did you put the sanguine forest all the way to the east? it would have made a great buffer between we proud dark elves and those damn dirty regular elves" "it seemed easier to just add onto the landmass rather than to split it" "that's the problem with you demonesses; always thinking about what's easy/evil, not what's best" "that's fair i suppose but then i'd have blood elves complaining to me about those damn regular elves so-" "then why not just replace the regular elves with blood elves" "listen, we all need a people to hate; for humans, it's the jews; for elves, it's the regular elves; without the regular elves to absorb all the hate, the rest of the elves couldn't band together like they do" "that actually makes total sense" "see? life is balanced; we all hate the same groups of people" "thank you eleatrice for this new perspective on life" Molly shakes Eleatrice's hand and bids everyone 'good day'. Michelle shakes Molly's hand for an exceedingly long time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: It's a Livin' Thing [Eleatrice]
"well, jakey, my term's just about up" "it's a shame; i definitely liked you better than gremory" "yeah, that girl sucks" "hey i just realised we never actually met any of your new blood elves" "oh right; we should do that before the end" Just then, a young blood elf bursts into the Wicked Chateau. "ELEATRICE HELP" "what's wrong, my child" "what, are you a priest now?" Eleatrice shrugs. "my name is ichoria and my fellow blood elves are insane!!! i wanted us all to stay up later so we could see what effect the moon would have on our blood devices, but the blood elf elders don't believe me and have been forcing me to go to bed at 5 PM!!! it's nuts!!!" "have you tried moving out of the sanguine forest at least for the night so that they can't force you to go to bed" "i've tried but they hunt me down and drag me back so i'm in bed by 5 every time!!! OH NO I HEAR THEM NOW!!!" Ichoria dives underneath Eleatrice's desk to hide from the loud footsteps, which are coming from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'Vote for Eleatrice' t-shirt/THE END]