A Wise Thing (2028 - January)

Mission 001: The Eternal Idol [King Bran]
"hey kb how's-" "not so loud; dionysus and i stayed up all night drinking his 1814 vintage wine" "oh" "every word you speak is like a dagger into my skull; please just go and meet with athena, the goddess of wisdom because after hearing dionysus's description of her, i strongly don't want to" Jakey nods, and heads into the hall, where Athena is currently preparing for her grand entrance. "mortal!!! how dare you look at athena before athena's grand entrance!!! it is as to look upon the bride before she is to march down the aisle!!!" "hello, not icelia; i'll just get this out of the way now: why don't you ever refer to yourself in the first-person" "and let athena's glorious name be obscured by pronouns?! athena would sooner sign over olympus to the demonesses!!!" "that's what i thought" "either way, this olyction is only here to confirm what everyone already knew; hera may have thought she was in charge, but athena has always been the real queen of olympus" "the world is not ready for two icelias" "lumping athena in with that unwarrantedly haughty demoness's name will not be tolerated!!! athena is one-of-a-kind!!!" "in spite of the fact that you look like icelia with brown hair and an oddly short skirt; never thought icelia's counterpart would wear such a thing" "and hide athena's beautiful legs from the world?! perish the thought!!!" "this is not going to be a fun month" Michelle walks up, and gives Jakey an excuse to leave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Athena missions]

Mission 002: Housekeeping [Athena]
"hello athena" "are you not going to bow before athena? your goddess?" "i am not" "someone here needs to go to obedience school" "i agree, but not in the way you want me to" "regardless, athena now has to inspect the luminous villa to see how the other 'goddesses' have ruined it" Athena enters the Luminous Villa, taking note of its amenities. "that is a beautiful fresca on the ceiling; shame some careless lout broke it and tried to fix it with tape" Athena swirls her arm around, properly fixing the ceiling so no one can ever tell it was broken. "yes, a fresca like that is worthy of athena's presence" "it was made by-" "athena does not care who it was made by; it is now athena's property and athena will take credit for it" Jakey grumbles under his breath as Athena gets to Alison's painting that Michelle hung last month. "what is this garbage?! this complete and utter tripe is not even fit to be used as a rag to wash the dishes!!!" Athena disintegrates the painting, so its ghastly visage will never again disgrace Athena's sight. "jackson-" "jakey" "whatever; do you know the name of the hamhanded dunce who created that slop? if so, athena's first act as queen will be to organise a task force to destroy every single work she's ever created and have it destroyed in the town square for all to see; also, the aforementioned dunce will be publically flogged and made into athena's personal grape-feeder and anger outlet for the rest of time as punishment for forcing athena's eyes to witness such an unaesthetic sight" "can't say that i know whose painting that was; maybe one of the other goddesses did it" "yes, the other goddesses are utter philistines; i wouldn't put it past that nike to create something of that manner; she thinks she is the greatest, but she is simply an annoyance" "i know exactly what you mean" Michelle walks in and hangs one of her own paintings on the wall where Alison's was. "now this is a painting worthy of athena's sight, fair princess of canada" Michelle beams with pride. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: Transparently Apparent [Athena]
"oh jakey; athena has recently hired a phone campaigner: the goddess apate, who has signed a contract to exclusively work for athena" Athena holds up a contract signed by "Apatè". "uh-huh" "come; let athena and you watch apate at work" Jakey and Athena peek out from behind the corner to see Apate campaigning on speaker. "hello miss masterson; i am working for athena's campaign for queen of olympus and would like to convince you to vote for athena and only athena - it's your civic duty as a non-evil citizen to vote, after all, and you should definitely vote for your best interests" "how is voting for athena in my best interests?" "athena is the goddess of wisdom, and she has the wisdom to know exactly how to achieve your heart's desire" "you don't mean-" "yes, i do, miss bonnie" Apate chokes back a gag at having to call a clear Sioby 'Bonnie'. "i am listening" "well unfortunately, changing public perception like that requires a lot of political power, but athena said to me that if she is elected queen of olympus, she will enact a law requiring everyone to call you bonnie" "i'm in; tell me where to vote" "thank you miss masterson; the olyction is in september" "okay thanks" "don't mention it; you're all right bonnie; i don't care what aphrodite says" Apate mutes her microphone and gags. "what did aphrodite say?!" "well, as you may know, aphrodite is the goddess of love, and she told me - and i don't believe it one bit - but she told me that you're clearly a sioby and your constant denial of your true nature is what is keeping you from finding love" "what." "she says you'll never find a man, but i know that there's a guy out there for you, miss masterson" "that aphrodite is so stuck-up; i wouldn't vote for her if she was the last goddess on earth" "that's not even the worst of it; aphrodite told me she was going to enact a law forbidding you from every calling yourself 'bonnie' so that you are legally required to accept the fact that you are a sioby" "i am going to steal every last campaign ad for this aphrodite and maybe even steal her life if i see her" "that's the spirit; ciao" Apate hangs up, and cracks an 1814 bottle of Dionysus wine. "that sioby is a headcase" Michelle walks up and sneaks a swig of the wine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Formulaic [Athena]
"jakey, there you are; athena needs a celebrity endorsement if athena wants to win the hearts and minds of less cultured voters, and athena has selected the best possible celebrity" "the girl in the tub, scarlett hayes" "indeed; guard athena's bath and only come in if athena yells 'FUMARIC ACID'" "you can count on me" Athena turns and grabs her rubber owl and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫you would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as athena fell asleep♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, forgiving the violations of the song's meter, his bopping is interrupted by a cry from a bathroomward direction. "FUMARIC ACID" Jakey bursts into the bathroom, and sees Athena wrestling with Gobigail. "jakey get this beast away from athena's glorious nude bathing body" Jakey grabs Gobigail off from Athena, and takes her out of the bathroom. "gobigail, what are you doing?" "lilith told me to interrupt theena's bubble bath" "why" "ice lady gave lilith a pack of twizzelers to borrow my services because ice lady doesn't like theena" "oh" "lilith gave me one of the twizzelers and promised me a second one if i did a good job" "well i believe you did do a good job; athena isn't singing her jolly tune any more" "hooray" Jakey sets Gobigail down. "i am going back to get my twizzeler" "godspeed gobigail" Gobigail runs right down the stairs, careening into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Extra Formulaic [Athena]
"oh jakey; this otherwise unimportant constituent was just telling athena about horoscopes and how people of the gemini persuasion are most likely to want to vote for athena due to their compatibility with athena and athena's aquariusliness" "so are you going to go and pander to your gemini constituents?" "no, athena has better things to do; YOU, however, are going to pander like you've never pandered before" "i'm on it immediately" Jakey grabs Unimportant's rolodex and gets out while the getting is good. "and do not come back until you have pandered to at least three geminis" "oh, i won't, believe me" Jakey's taurusly legs carry him straight into another taurus: Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: Another Day in the Park [Athena]
"hello miss julia; i am the herald of the goddess athena" "jakey, do you have a heralding permit?" "indeed i do; printed it myself" Julia grumbles under her breath. "i am here to tell you that as a gemini, you should vote for the aquarius candidate, athena" "i don't know what any of that means" "the stars in the sky on the day you were born fated you to vote for athena in the upcoming olyction" "this park is a strict no-voting zone; we don't even print a permit for that" "but i can, with my permit-printing permit" "you'd need a precedent-setting permit as well" "well i can print one of those, too, can't i?" "over my dead body" "i'll just print out a murdering permit then while i'm at it" "you wouldn't dare" "why not? i've got a daring permit, and you've been using your 'getting on my last nerve' permit for a while now" "um" Julia hangs her head. "i don't actually have that permit" Julia trudges over to the park's cages and locks herself up. "i need to sit down and seriously think about my life, perhaps over a bubbly bath" "i have a bubblybath-guarding permit" "could you please use it? and don't come in unless i yell 'TITANIUM DIOXIDE'?" "sure" "thanks" Julia grabs her rubber ducky and settles into the bath, where she begins to sing a metal tune. "♫finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind; people think i'm insane because i am frowning all the time♫" Jakey bops along to the tune without incident, and Julia exits the bath. "i think i'm going to take a vacation for a while; maybe multiple years" "really? who will watch the park?" "perhaps it's time to let it go; i've had multiple offers from companies wanting to bulldoze it to put in a convenience store" "you can't just let them bulldoze the park; it's an iconic part of alabama's largest (only) city" "is there anyone i can trust to keep track of the park while i'm gone? i doubt you'll want to do it" Just then, a familiar demoness slides in and wraps her arm around Julia sleazily. "hey kid my name is ilona of the adventures in debenture moneylender, and i would like to loan you a bundle of crisp fivers in exchange for this park as collateral" "that sounds fair" "great; sign here and here and here and here" Julia signs the park over to Ilona until she can return the entire bundle of crisp fivers. "pleasure doing business; ciao" Ilona pushes Julia into Busara's bus, and Busara takes her off to parts unknown. "now where do i begin with my sweeping changes to the park's pricing plan?" "the park is not monetized" "that's going to change soon kid" Ilona shoots Jakey a finger gun with a wink as she heads to Julia's former office, where Michelle is fiddling with the CB radio. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: Heraldry [Athena]
"hark and verily icelia; i need to speak with jessica" "specifically jessica? what is this about?" "the goddess athena has asked me to get more geminis to vote for her" "jakey, do you always just do anything anyone asks of you without question? why on earth would you campaign for such an arrogant, haughty goddess like aquafina?" "if i don't do it, someone else will, and someone will probably end up dead" "fair enough icelia supposes; are you planning on voting for aquafina?" "oh lord no; so far, i'm thinking nike" "good; icelia cannot believe that harlot aquafina who dares to be icelia's counterpart; always showing her legs like some kind of harlot" "athena told me she couldn't bear to hide her beautiful legs from the world" "oh? do you think that aquafina's legs are beautiful? oh~hohohohohoho~!!! you have not yet seen a single thing; icelia's legs are more beautiful than legologists ever thought possible!!! in ancient times, wars were fought over icelia's legs!!! in modernity, icelia hides icelia's legs to prevent global calamity!!! icelia only shows icelia's legs to those icelia deems worthy" "am i considered worthy?" "who did you vote for in the hellection?" "eleatrice" "then no, icelia does not consider you worthy" "fair; can i go talk to jessica now" "whatever" Jakey walks over to the band, and motions for Jessica specifically. "hey there jess, or is it aoide?" "please don't call me that" "fine, fine; i'm here on behalf of the goddess athena-" "oh i hate her" "really?" "she's so haughty and arrogant; i can't stand her and the way she always refers to herself by name" "you do realise that's what most people would say about icelia, right?" "icelia has earned the right!!! icelia is everything we aspire to be!!! one day, i, too, will call myself exclusively by name, saying things like 'jessica falco is most displeased', but first i have to EARN it like icelia did!!! just doing it like athena just makes you insufferable!!!" "i'll be honest, i'm pretty much with you; icelia's cool, but athena gets on my nerves" "exactly" "so um, is it true? that you and the girls are actually muses?" "i refuse to answer that" Michelle walks up and attempts to pull off Jessica's mask, but merely ends up pinching her cheeks like an annoying aunt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: The Easiest One [Athena]
"hey ressie i bet you can't resist not voting for athena in the olyction next year" "YOU'RE ON!!!" Resistance Leadour resists the time and space between herself and the voting booth, never to be seen again until the day of the Olyction. "that was easy" Michelle resists the time and space between herself and asking Jakey to take her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: The Triumphant Return [Athena]
"hey athena i appealed to three geminis for you" "good job jackson; athena has used the time since athena and you last spoke to construct this advice booth so the common (wo)man can take advantage of athena's goddessly wisdom" "all for the cost of a fiver?! and it doesn't even have to be crisp?!" "silly jackson; athena can use athena's goddessly powers to turn the soggiest of fivers crisp again!!!" "that is actually impressive; i can't wait to see it" The first customer arrives at Athena's advice booth. "hello miss athena, my name is trixie and i need some advice; here is my fiver" Trixie hands over a particularly soggy fiver. Athena grabs it and flicks her wrist, and the fiver is miraculously crisp to a level it otherwise could not be after becoming so soggy. "ask your question, mortal" "i am a recovering murderholic who runs a magical taxi service, and one fare paid me with that soggy fiver i just gave to you, so i was wondering: should i track him down and perform a murder so sweet, or should i continue to abstain from murder so as to not relapse into a serial killer again" "pfft; you can certainly get away with one measily murder" "really?" "yes, this murder is not for pleasure; it is for a very necessary revenge against someone who slighted you!!! hell, athena will let you talk to the goddess of revenge so you two can plan out your murder most sweet" "oh boy thank you miss athena" "any time, so long as you have got the fiver" Trixie runs off to conspire with Nemesis, and Michelle is next in line. Michelle hands over a semi-crisp fiver. "how do i get my brother to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Fiver for Your Thoughts [Athena]
"hey athena, still at the advice booth?" "yes, the world needs the wise counsel of athena, now more than ever before" The second customer arrives at Athena's advice booth. "hello miss athena, i am the superheroine river-girl and i need some advice; here is my fiver" River-Girl hands over a soaking wet fiver, due to the fact that anything she touches becomes completely soaked. Athena grabs it and flicks her wrist, turning the fiver crisp as new. "ask your question, mortal" "i am currently regularly imbibing a concoction to make myself unable to see pink jackets, but it is having some uncomfortable side effects" "such as?" "well as you can see, i have developed cloven hooves where my feet are supposed to be, and my legs are impossibly blue and furry and they bend the wrong way now" "so you've basically become a faun" "yeah and it sucks; if it was a sea creature, it would at least be on-brand" "so stop taking the concoctions; seeing pink jackets isn't the end of the world" "i'm supposed to play bridge with typhoon-girl on thursday and she insists on always wearing that disgusting pink jacket" "get the king bran to abolish thursdays forever and ever again; then you will be unable to meet your appointment for reasons seemingly beyond your control" "you're a genius athena" "yes, athena knows this" River-Girl clops away, ready to petition the King Bran. Michelle walks up wearing her 'I love Thursdays' t-shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: The Next Issue [Athena]
"so athena, behind the booth again?" "yes, athena knows that three advices is the optimal amount of advice to give" "i'll take your word for it" The third and final customer arrives at Athena's advice booth. "hello miss athena, my name is amber jade pixington and i need some advice" Amber slips Athena a crisp fiver. "ask your question, mortal" "i run a new car dealership and people keep stealing my cars and especially my buses; i've tried putting up a sign that says 'please don't steal my cars', i've tried putting up a scarecrow, and i've even tried putting tarps over my cars so people can't see them and now i'm out of ideas" "you should install spike strips around your car yard; that way, anyone who steals one of your cars won't get very far" "that's brilliant; i'll go to the spike strip store immediately" Amber flutters off, happy as a clam with the advice she's received. Michelle lays down a spike strip in front of Jakey's car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Unable to Connect [Athena]
"JAKEY!!! athena's wireless fidelity is being leeched!!!" "your what now?" "wireless fidelity; the means by which athena accesses the internet" "oh, wifi?" "athena does not use such pithy abbreviations" "whatever; i'll go see what's going on" Jakey walks up to the roof, where two harpies are stealing the Luminous Villa's WiFi. "hello harli, harlow" "like hi mr prince of like canada" "we were just like camping out to try and get like some advice from athena" "totally" "athena's done giving advice for the time being" "tragic" "totally" "maybe next month's candidate will like be able to help or something" "what do you need advice for?" "oh i've got this like splinter in my finger and stuff, but my like horoscope totally told me to like leave it in but it like really hurts and stuff? so i was going to like ask athena what like she would do" "totally" "i recommend removing it" "i could totally see why a taurus would like say that? but i was like looking for advice with like a compatible sign" "yeah your like taurusly values don't really like mesh with harli's and stuff" "totally" "can't help then" "shame" "guess i'll just like wait to see what like tomorrow's horoscope says" "totally" Michelle walks up to the roof, brandishing a pair of tweezers and causing the harpies to fly off. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: So Let Her Go, Don't Start Spoiling the Show; It's a Bad Dream [Athena]
"well my adoring constituent, that is athena's month over" "i am absolutely distraught" "athena knows, dear constituent; have no fear, athena will be back in september to win the olyction and assume athena's rightful place as queen of olympus" "oh i'll be counting the days" "goodbye, fair constituent; it is athena's time to allow a lesser goddess assume the temporary throne" Athena floats off into the aether, to return only in September. "good riddance" Michelle walks up and pops a bottle of champagne to celebrate Athena's departure. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]