The Thing to Know (2028)

Mission 001: Dehumanizer [King Bran]
"hey kb do you know when we vote in the olyction" "what? all the votes are in; ruth is going to announce the winner later today" "what? i didn't get to vote" "because you're legally still evil from your stint as king of hell" "that was four years ago, and it didn't even last a month" "i don't make the rules" "so who did you vote for" "nike; i always root for the overdog" "makes sense; i probably would have voted for her too" "yeah, nike's got this locked up" "she's never lost at anything in the entire history of the world" "makes you feel bad for the other contestants really" "yeah" "i'm just glad to finally be rid of this year's supply of king bran's glossal ointment; there was a big spike in its use last year, but then it all ended and i've ceased production" "well um you may want to uncease production; that reminds me that i've got to free gobitha from that volcano" "my glossal ointment was used by a goblin?! i am definitely not unceasing production for one of those filthy creatures" "fair enough" Michelle walks in and rubs some glossal ointment on her face. "michelle, that's for use on your tongue" "oh, i thought 'glossal' meant it would give me glossy and radiant skin" Michelle washes her face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions/Nike missions/Gobitha missions]

Mission 002: The Awaited Date [Ruth]
"hello and welcome to the official olyction results - i'm ruth barlow, from the inspection board; the votes have been inspected, and we have special prizes for all five slots!!!" The crowd cheers slightly. "fifth place, of course, gets disintegrated!!! the best part of any job, really" Ruth opens up her envelope. "AND THE LOSER IS ATHENA!!!" "WHAT. ATHENA IS OUTRAGED!!!" "not for long she won't be" Ruth disintegrates Athena with her raygun. "rip athena" "see you in two years" "whereupon we may disintegrate you again for fun" "IN FOURTH PLACE, taking home the olyction home game!!!, is none other than ARTEMIS!!!" Artemis accepts her prize. "i'm okay with this; the olyction home game should improve my results in the future" "that's the spirit; IN THIRD PLACE, taking home a crisp five-hundred dollar gift card to el svarto loco's choches usado de la tinieblas? did i say that right? whatever, it's a gift card and it's going to ENYO!!!" "hey i did better than i thought i'd do" "indeed!!! now we're down to two!!! second place will receive a vacation to historic smoggy pittsburgh, kept in all its industrial-era glory, as well as a year's supply of king bran's glossal ointment!!! but who cares about that? the winner will be named QUEEN OF THE GODS!!! our new queen of olympus is none other than!!! APHRODITE!!!" The crowd is in complete and utter shock. Nike goes up to accept the prize she didn't win. "i'd like to thank my-" Ruth shoves the glossal ointment into Nike's hands. "..." "..." "what." Aphrodite takes the podium. "thank you all; i love my constituents" "NO YOU DON'T!!!" The door bursts open to reveal a second Aphrodite, the goddess of love. "that is not the real aphrodite; i am!!! this false aphrodite killed me two years ago and i just revived!!!" "what a completely-expected twist!!! go on, reveal your true form, aphrodite that we've been speaking to all this time" "gladly" The Aphrodite who won the Olyction reveals her true form: Nyx, goddess of the night. "how could we not have seen this coming!!!" "it was clearly foreshadowed all along" "i'll have to go back and reread the official olyction campaign documents then" "you do that" "either way, olyction rules state that impersonation is a legal technique; due to having been aphrodite when she won, nyx is now queen of olympus" "um, hooray?" The constituents all leave the auditorium, except for Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Artemis missions/El Svarto Loco missions/Enyo missions/King Bran missions/Nyx missions/Aphrodite missions]

Mission 003: Sweet Not Victory [Nike]
Jakey enters Nike's abode, where she is drinking herself to death. "nike? you holding up okay?" "i've never losht anything before" "you get used to it" "i'm the goddessh of victory; i can't just LOSHE shomething" "if it's any consolation, nyx definitely cheated up and down the place" "but cheatersh aren't even shupposhed to win letalone proshper like nyxh ish doing" "welcome to the real world; you've been tucked away in olympus so long that you've forgotten how things actually work" "what" "lying and cheating is how you get ahead in this world" "i wouldn't want to be queen of shuch a world" "see? take that vacation to historic smoggy pittsburgh and let the delicious imitation smog fill your lungs with new possibilities" "i'd rather jusht drink my shorrowsh away" Just then, the god of wine, Dionysus, pops in. "woah woah woah there nike - drinking is something you do to have fun; i will not tolerate anyone drinking while being a sadsack" "go away" "i will not allow you to do this to yourself" Dionysus turns Nike's wine into water. "WHAT. shinche when can you do that?!" "since always; it's just not a good party trick" "turn it back" "no; you and me are going to do something fun and get you out of this funless funk" "no thanksh" Dionysus lifts Nike onto his back, and piggybacks her away to somewhere fun. Michelle takes the lampshade off her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Get Ready for the Next Battle [Nike]
"hey nike, how was your day out with dionysus" "horrible; first he took me to the arcade to play that tungsten fist fighting game and he mopped the floor with me" "did he now?" "yeah, he used that big fat guy with the hawaiian shirt and his speed and weight just destroyed me over and over" "he's trying to teach you how to lose" "i don't want to lose" "no one does" "well you play me in tungsten fist then; i main the japanese girl who yells a lot" "fine, i main the japanese girl who pretends to be a cat" "seriously?" "seriously" Nike and Jakey sit down for a round of the home version of Tungsten Fist. Jakey wins due to spamming the move where the cat girl sweeps the leg indefinitely. "come on, that's bullshit" "learn to block it" "no, you stand up and fight me like a man" "fine" Jakey wins the second round due to spamming the move where the cat girl does a hard forward elbow. "what is your problem?" "i don't have one; my strategies are very effective" "pick a different character" "fine, i'll pick the big fat guy and do the gut-extend move over and over" "on second thought, i'm going outside" "fine fine" Nike exits the house to check her mail. Inside the mailbox is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Couldn't Forget [Gobitha]
"gobitha, you in there?" "pip pip old bean; i am simply chuffed that you remembered me so soon in the month!!! from what i have heard, i was expecting to wait until possibly 2029 eh wot!!!" "you know, i could leave you in there" "sorry old chap, i am just simply chomping at the proverbial bit to make more glossal discoveries now that the threat of trench tongue has passed!!! i have already licked the entire basin of this volcano wot wot!!!" "all right, grab this rope; i'll pull you up" "jolly good!!!" Jakey throws down a rope to Gobitha, who gives it a good lick before she climbs up. "oh, you acquired a brand new rope for this endeavour?! jolly good jolly good" "i've um got some news you might not like however" "and what would that be, chum? i fear that nothing you say could possibly bring the mood down" "king bran has discontinued his line of glossal ointment" "that is dire news, i'm afraid" "i told him that the sales were about to cease their lull when you get out of the volcano, but then he said he would rather discontinue his product than have, and i quote, 'one of those filthy creatures' (referring to goblins) use it" "disheartening, but i shall simply have to find a different glossal ointment; a minor setback on the road to glossal enlightenment wot wot" "that's the spirit" Michelle climbs up the rope and out of the volcano, covered in goblin saliva. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: Ain't an Ointment Out There [Gobitha]
"hey gobitha, how's trying to find a new glossal ointment working out for you" "dreadful, my boy, dreadful" "how so?" "well let us peruse the options, shall we? first, we've got dr. bonnie's glossal ointment, which is complete false advertising; this ointment was clearly made by a sioby wot wot" "yeah she tries her best" "if an ointmenteer cannot even be truthful about her name, what hope does one have that the contents of the tube is indeed a glossal ointment and not just regular ointment? unflavoured ointment that does not serve any particular purpose?" "i wouldn't put it past her" "secondly, we've got dr. svart's used glossal ointment to which i simply retort: really? you expect people to use secondhand ointment?! it's absurd; i doubt this dr. svart is even really a doctor wot wot!!!" "he's not, unless he cashed in his evil tickets for a doctorate" "thirdly, we have dr. glossal's epidermal ointment, which is really just unfortunate; if your name is 'glossal', you should accept your destiny as a doctor of glossology wot wot!!! being a dermitologist is just confusing and may cause a serious accident!!!" "that's why we have poison control" "and those were all the glossal ointments the store had, which is simply apalling; i shall have to brew my own glossal ointment and sell it to all aspiring glossologists out there!!!" "that's the spirit" "you say that a lot" "people tend to have 'the spirit' a lot" "fair enough, pip pip" Michelle walks up and hands Gobitha a tube of Dr. Michelle's Glossy Hair Ointment. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 007: A Proper Brew [Gobitha]
"how's making your own glossal ointment going for you gobitha" "jolly good, my boy, jolly good indeed" "really?" "oh yes; i have included a litany of ingredients, an absolute LITANY, my boy!!!" "a litany, huh? sounds more like you're making a witches brew rather than an ointment" "it did appear to be less thickly than i had imagined" Jakey slurps up a spoonful of the concoction. "no doubt about it; this is witches brew" "oh rot; what am i to do now with the thousand jars i've already brewed" "you should sell them and then hire chemists to create an ointment for you" "it's still september old bean; everyone knows that october is the month you sell witches brew" "right" "perhaps i can limit my glossal discoveries for the month so i do not have to use the ointment; this may also curb a second coming of trench tongue wot wot" "yeah; reserve your tongue for that which really needs to be licked" "oh but how to choose?! my eyes sense an object, and my tongue yearns to cover that object in its fluids!!!" "wear a blindfold" "BRILLIANT!!!" Gobitha slaps a blindfold on and stumbles around the room. "it is a bit hard to move around without vision wot wot!!! wait, I KNOW!!! i shall navigate around by taste!!!" Gobitha sticks her tongue out, licking every object nearby. "this is counterintuitive to your plan of licking less things" "oh, right" Gobitha takes off the blindfold. "i just get so excited wot wot" Michelle walks in and hands Gobitha a tube of Dr. Michelle's High Gloss Paint. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Can't Be Beat [Artemis]
"hey artie i'm sorry about the olyction" "eh it's fine; i didn't get disintegrated, so i have the opportunity to cheer myself up with a hunt" "what are you hunting" "the elusive silver slime; many have tried to kill the beast, but i shall be the first" "she's pretty wily; i've seen many people try and fail, including demonesses" "let me guess: these 'many people' painted a tunnel on the wall with a boulder precariously perched above?" "got it in one" "of course that didn't work; the silver slime has the magick ability to enter the world of fiction" "seriously? i would love to have that ability" "wouldn't everyone?" "i would go into the world of wallet creatures and hang around all the hot girls" "i would also go into the world of wallet creatures, except i would be hunting down the creaures and bloodily murdering them" "perhaps it is best that we do not have that ability" "oh here's the silver slime now" "meep meep" The silver slime dashes past at mach 1. Artemis dashes after the silver slime, club in hand, at mach 2. Artemis catches up to the silver slime and brutally beats her to death. "now that was cathartic" "it's a very different feeling watching you club a cute girl to death rather than an animal" "do not be fooled by the silver slime's appearance; it is just as wild an animal as a boar" "i guess" Michelle walks up and grabs a cup of the silver slime's sliver blood, which has healing properties. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: It Reminds Me of the Hunt [Artemis]
"hey jakey how are you" "i've been better" "is this about the silver slime?" "yeah" "well you're in luck - as goddess of the hunt, i have the power to unhunt any creature i have previously clubbed to death" "really?" "yeah, watch" Artemis grabs the silver slime's carcass by the hands and flicks her wrist as one would do to spread a bedsheet. The silver slime is brought back to life, good as new, and Artemis lets it go to run free. "meep meep" The silver slime takes off, never wanting to be clubbed to death again. "wow, impressive" "yeah, there's only one silver slime, and i don't want to deny other hunters the ability to claim its trophy" "do you think anyone will?" "probably not, but if anyone does, that hunter will gain my favour and become one of my angels" "greek goddesses command angels?" "yeah, when jesus bought out olympus, he just kind of folded us into his power structure; we rank above angels, but below the father, the son, and the holy ghost" "nice" "yeah those three are pretty hands-off so unless you REALLY fuck something up, you'll never see them" "do not underestimate my ability to fuck things up; it runs in the family" Michelle walks into the room, concentrating hard not to fuck up her next statement. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Complete Rebrand [El Svarto Loco]
Jakey walks up to the used car dealership for the first time in a long while, and barely recognises the place. "¡¡¡hola hola hola!!! ¡¡¡welcome jakey to el svarto loco's choches usado de la tinieblas!!!" "yeah i put that into bing translate and you've changed your name to 'the crazy svart's used autos of the darkness'?" "i needed a rebrand; my darling jezzie came back to life and swore off of evil forever, and i must do the same" "but then why does your business name end with 'of the darkness'?" "i am going to be the hero from the dark; i will no longer give in to my dark desires, and will instead become a champion of the people" "by selling used cars" "yes" "so you've given up on eating all those evil hot dogs?" "yes, that was a difficult thing to give up, but it was necessary to prove my devotion to my beloved jezzie" "and what about your direct competitor across the street?" "oh, amber jade pixington, my former mortal enemy; i have decided to forgive her for her transgressions - i must become a better person for jezzie" "so basically, you've got nothing going on as a character any more, and are even more boring than before" "yes, but now my used car dealership has a radiant forest flavour; arriba and all that" "cool cool; i'm leaving now" "tell your friends!!!" "i probably won't" Michelle takes one of El Svarto Loco's used autos for a testdrive, and the engine immediately explodes. "¡¡¡ay ay ay!!! ¡¡¡llevame a casa!!!" "sorry, what?" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Amber missions]

Mission 011: A Carton of Cars [Enyo]
"hey jakey check out this $500 gift card i won from the olyction" "very nice" "would you like to buy it from me? i will sell it to you for just $400" "i don't need to buy a car" "$300" "no thanks" "man, i can't offload this to anyone; i don't need a car, either, since i can just teleport anywhere" "think about it though: wouldn't it be cool to drive down the boulevard in a haute used car and pick up chosen warriors to fight in your wars?" "true; i could find warriors that way that i simply would never even see if i didn't take the time to actually travel to my destinations" "and the dealership has this sweet little baby for just $500" "the 'dryzler appaloosa'?" "that baby's got it all; muscle, power, and dual V8 engines for a total of 16 constant Vs" "that's a lot of Vs" "and all you have to do is walk up and hand in your gift card" "brb" Enyo disappears, and returns an hour later driving the Dryzler Appaloosa. "nice" "thanks; i blessed it with my goddess magicq so that it wouldn't get damaged no matter how many things i hit due to never having driven before in my life" "nice" "also, i had no idea how to get home, so i pressed a button and the nice lady talked me through it" "she is pretty helpful" "yeah, i am totally going to cruise down some boulevards in this baby; plus, this rear compartment has room for all of my weapons in case the warriors i choose forgot theirs at home" "and you wanted to sell that gift card for less than it's worth" "i realise now the error of my ways" Michelle cruises up in her own car, a Zevero Clydesdale. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: All Good Things [Enyo]
"jakey it's awful" "what happened" "my car and i were having a great time, and it was so full of life, as evidenced by the life meter being on F, but then suddenly it stopped working and is at the end of its life, as evidenced by the life meter being on E!!!" "you have to fill it with gasoline" "oh, like how you humans need to eat and drink" "pretty much" "okay, let's see, how much does this gasoline stuff cost" Enyo looks it up on her cellular calling device, and freezes stiff. "how many gallons do i need?" "about 16 to fill it" "and let's see, carry the one, and oh dear god" "yeah it's pretty pricey" "at this point, i'd be better off buying a new used car" "you could always take out a loan from ilona" "that's a last resort; i've got a stash of convoluted plans to get someone to buy me something expensive" "really?" "yeah, hey jakey? it's my birthday today; it would be great if you bought me some gasoline as a present" "it's not your birthday; it's NEVER your birthday because you're an ageless goddess that has existed since time immemorial" "damn that one usually works" Michelle drives up, having traded her Zevero Cyldesdale for a Budge Arabian. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions]

Mission 013: The Ultimate Creation [King Bran]
"jakey good; i am about to announce to you my triumph and i didn't want to have to do it over email" "i never check my email anyway" "yeah i know it sucks; i sent you like five cool videos today and i didn't receive back any messages saying 'lol', 'lmao', or even the classic 'rofl'" "i havened rofled in a while" "regardless, after months of training in the hyperbolic time chamber, we have created the ultimate hobo" "just one?" "one is all we need after this; check out the now fully-human HOBONATOR!!!" "please don't call me that; my name is gutterelda" "seriously? gutterelda?" "we legally changed her name to gutterelda hobonator" "grim" "well her original name was bonnie and i thought that would be too confusing what with that sioby running around claiming to be a bonnie" "gutterelda does look like a bonnie, doesn't she?" "we considered the name 'hobonnie' but decided against it" "so anyway, i'm dying to see this hobonator in action" "okay so i purchased this zevero clydesdale from your sister for the purposes of demonstration; hobonator, show him your stuff" Gutterelda leaps into action, spraying the Zevero Clydesdale with her hoboly fluids and giving the windshield a viscious rubdown. Once she is finished, the windshield is dirtier than when she began. "oh it does my heart good to see such a brilliant display of hoboery" A single tear streams down King Bran's face. "go, my beautiful daughter, and bring the world what it desperately needs" "daughter?" "i adopted her" "she's older than you are" "i fail to see your point" Michelle drives up, having traded her Budge Arabian for a Polkenhaag Lusitano. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 014: A Brilliant Plan [King Bran]
"hey kb, is that the hobonator eating at your royal lunch table? (not to be confused with your royal dinner table)" "yes, i have come up with a brilliant plan to make the hobonator not just a national hero, but also rake in the money" "how so" "i will supply her with her three square meals a day, but in exchange, she will hand over every single cent and dollar she makes to me; this way, she's basically a tax collector" "you should train up an army of hobonators" "no way, gutterelda is one-of-a-kind; she is the peak hobo, and i do not care to create any lesser hobos under her" "so she's enough for you?" "she is the light in my dark, otherwise hoboless existence" "fair enough i guess" "one day, the hobonator will be the world's most beloved human; she is already mine" "okay, i'm leaving now" "good, now i can watch gutterelda eat in peace" King Bran stares longingly at Gutterelda, and Jakey beats a hasty retreat, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 015: Nix the Act [Nyx]
"so uh, nyx, is it?" "yes, i was merely pretending to be aphrodite this whole time" "well, i have to give you credit: you are much better at sticking to a disguise than lilith" "who isn't?" "fair" "now, after having been in that wretched disguise for so long, i need a nice, long bubbly bath; please guard my bath and don't come in unless i yell 'MEDIUM CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES'" "got it" Nyx turns and grabs her rubber crow and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫life isn't easy from the singular side; down in a hole, some emotions are hard to hide♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Scarlett storms up the stairs. "jakey, move aside" "scarlett, you of all people should know how devoted i am to my duty as a bubbly bath guard" "that woman doesn't deserve to be a bubbly bather; she has tricked me, HOODWINKED me!!!" "yeah, you got absolutely diddled" "♫OH, WILL YOU MEET ME IN THE DARK?! IN THE DARK; IN THE DARK♫" "and i simply cannot let a diddling stand; allow me passage" "no one gets past" "i commend your loyalty, but i hate how it is being used against me" "noted" Jakey and Scarlett wait for Nyx's jolly tune to end, and for Nyx to exit the bathroom. "oh hey scarlett" "DECEIVER!!!" "yeah, that's me" "i'll bet that lying about your identity isn't the only way you tricked me; you probably used a time machine to keep going back and singing songs until you found one i liked" "wow, got it in one" "i will never again endorse you, your children, your demonic counterpart, or your children's demonic counterparts" "that's okay; i already got what i wanted" Scarlett storms off, ranting and raving about Nyx's betrayal. Michelle storms in, ranting and raving about Jakey's betrayal. "you said you'd take me home five minutes ago, and am i home?!" "um, no?" "THEN TAKE ME HOME!!!"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions/Scarlett missions]

Mission 016: Nix the Policy [Nyx]
"so nyx what are your new policies going to be as queen of olympus" "firstly, i am banning the sun; i am the goddess of night, and, as such, it should always be night" "can you extend that to the rest of the world? i hate that sun thing" "i'll try my best" "thanks" "secondly, i am instituting a complete ban on bloody coups to take back the country; hera loves to make that move, and this should prevent that" "one would hope" "thirdly, i am mandating not just casual fridays, but also buck-naked tuesdays" "today is tuesday" "disrobe" "what." "disrobe or be deported until wednesday" "i'll deport myself, thank you; come on, mich-" Jakey turns to see Michelle observing the now-sacred tradition of Buck-Naked Tuesdays. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: The Budget Ain't Budgin' [Nyx]
"jakey i have been looking over olympus's budget and holy fucking fuck is it expensive to run this country" "i'll bet" "angels make like a hundred bucks an hour!!!" "wait, seriously? hot damn" "i need a cheaper source of labour, fast" "well lilith already took all the goblins" "i may have to just create a new race that works for cheaper than that then" "cheaper than goblins?! they do the work half as well for half the price already" "well i will create a new race that does the work a quarter as well for a quarter of the price" "i don't know, the goblins are barely able to keep gomorrah running as it is" "oh pshaw; they just have an incompetent leader" "be that as it may, please consider making them work a third as well for a third of the price" "oh all right; now where's my grimoire" Nyx roots around in her drawers. "here we go; i believe i shall create this one: the pixington" "those already exist" "right, right; looks like my two choices are kobolds and fauns" "fauns are the weird goat ones, right?" "right" "pass" "all right, stand back" Nyx waves her arms around, and a small bluish purplish creature appears. "IT'S ALIVE!!!" "and she's cute" "well obviously; why would you create something and not make it a cute girl? what's even the point?" "exactly" "kobold, give your name" "my name is koraline" "koraline, from now on, you're deputy personnel manager" "she's not going to be head of personnel?" "i can't fire thombus; he has tenure" "oh" "i'm not a monster jakey" "fair enough" Michelle cleans out her desk, having been served her walking papers due to not having tenure. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Koraline missions]

Mission 018: All According to Plan [Nyx]
"hey nyx, did you notice that picket line outside?" "yeah, it's great; i didn't even have to fire the angels; as soon as they saw the kobolds, they immediately went on strike" "really? why?" "they correctly believe they are being replaced; little do they realise that they just walked out on their own, and have, by the bylaws of olympus that i just wrote, forfeited their jobs and are now trespassing so i can legally do this" Nyx whistles, and two kobolds grab the high-pressure hose and begin spraying the protestors. "is that my guardian angel out there, getting sprayed?" "oh not any more; she has been replaced with your guardian kobold, kosanna" Nyx hands Jakey a small kobold. "hello there" "hey boss; need anyone taken out? i haven't kneecapped anyone all day" "i'll let you know" "cool" Jakey sets Kosanna down, and she totters off to the watercooler. "yes, jakey; this kobold scam was the best thing i've ever done" "they do seem more competent than goblins" "and the only work for a fraction of the price; it's beautiful" "i'll bet" Michelle walks into the Luminous Villa, soaking wet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Angie missions/Kosanna missions]

Mission 019: The Goddess of Love? [Aphrodite]
"hey um 'aphrodite'?" "why the airquotes? i'm the real aphrodite" "the thirteen major goddesses are supposed to be direct counterparts to the thirteen major demonesses, and you look nothing like any of them" "oh, just a moment" Aphrodite messes up her hair. "oh, hi gremory" "yeah there's a reason i want to not look like my counterpart" "fair enough i guess; so you've been dead for the past two years?" "yeah, nyx was reading her tea leaves or whatever it is she does, and they told her there was going to be an olyction soon so she killed me and assumed my identity" "rough" "yeah i'll say; she probably matched up all sorts of weird couples in my absence" "she kept trying to set me up with every girl we came across, then she said she ships me with ruth" "RUTH?! what kind of ship is that?! everyone knows the OTP is jakey x jezzie" "what? i literally murdered her" "yes, and now she's back and your relationship can bloom once again now that she's repented her sins!!! it's a beautiful love story!!! though i wouldn't be mad about jakey x lilith either" "good to know that the goddesses all like to ship us mortals" "no, just you; we even have a little betting pool" "great." "artemis is a jakey x octavia shipper, which is a bit strange, but she's very pro-orc" "i'm not sure i want to hear this" "we're only presenting you with options you may not have considered before; for what it's worth, hera always shipped you with the girl in the tub" "i'm leaving now" "fair enough" Jakey turns and grabs his Michelle before leaving. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions/Artemis missions/Octavia missions]

Mission 020: A Cruel, Sick Joke [Siobhan]
"hey sioby; steal anything cool lately" "i stole this dryzler appaloosa the other day; it wasn't locked or anything, but i needed to push it home because it was out of gas" "nice" "luckily, as the daughter of an oil baron, i get free gasoline for life so i've stockpiled a bunch of it here in the corner, next to my collection of extremely flammable historical documents" "so you've filled it up and it's ready to go?" "yeah i was just about to take it on a joyride or two; want to join?" "sure" Siobhan leads Jakey outside to the car port, where Enyo is peeling out of the yard in her Dryzler Appaloosa. "did she trick me into filling the tank for her so she could steal back her car?!" "looks that way" "i respect it" Siobhan shrugs and returns to her stolen knitting. Michelle drives up in her Eddy Thoroughbred. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Enyo missions]

Mission 021: An Apology Owed [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie; have you finished your apology list yet?" "not by a longshot; today, i was going to apologise to the goddess demeter" "never met her" "you'll like her; she's the goddess of the harvest so all of that corn they turn into syrup and put in your mountain dews is because of her" "a true hero" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey are teleported to Olympus, where Demeter is harvesting the fields. "hey demeter i came to apologise" "for creating locusts to destroy my harvests, or for convincing me that if i planted cows' teeth, i could grow a beef tree" "both" "fair enough; want an onion?" "no thanks" "suit yourself" Demeter bites straight into the onion she just picked. "nothing like freshly-picked onions" "i'll take your word for it; got any blewbries?" "oh yeah; i just picked a whole bushel of those" "sweet" Jezzie makes her way over to the bushel of blewbries. "so jakey, met anyone special yet?" "are you in on the shipping pool?" "yeah i bet on you getting together with the gravedigger valerie" "i'll let you know if your bet pays out" "thanks, i appreciate it" Michelle walks up and takes a bite out of a freshly-picked onion. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Demeter missions/Valerie missions]

Mission 022: A Difficult Task [Amber]
"hey amber, what's up" "oh i'm working on a special project; busara buys her buses from me, and i'm fresh out, so she told me to make one out of my other cars and i have devised this little baby" Amber opens her secret garage door to reveal her secret project. "is that a limousine?" "a what now? this is a bus i invented" "no, buses are big and tall; this is a limousine" "never heard of it" Busara arrives, ready to receive her new bus. "hey i'm here kid; where's my bus" "it's right here" "that's a limousine" "a what now?" "i told you to make a bus, and you made a limousine" "never heard of it" "my union contains bussies and cabbies; i don't have any limmies" "this is just a luxury bus i invented; i have no idea what you mean" "we're a public transportation business, not a chauffeur company; i refuse to accept this limousine" "if you won't accept my bus, what am i supposed to do with it?" "i don't know, and, frankly, i don't care; call me when you've got an actual honest-to-god bus or don't call me at all" Busara thinks for a moment. "on second thought, i like that idea better; don't call me at all" Busara leaves Amber alone with her limousine and all of the fronts and backs of the cars she had to destroy to create it. "no one ever likes my ideas" "because they're mislabeled versions of ideas that people have already had" "seriously, i believe you two are pranking me with this 'limausoleum' thing" "limousine" "no, i think you said 'limausoleum'" Michelle walks up and forks over some cash for the discarded front and rear ends of the cars Amber destroyed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions]

Mission 023: A Big Old Loan [Ilona]
Jakey walks into Ilona's Adventures in Debenture moneylender, where he sees Ilona working on a loan contract with Amber. "so, a loan of twenty crisp fivers for the purpose of refining and advertising your limou-i mean luxury buses, correct?" "yes indeed" "sign here" Amber signs on all of the dotted lines, and receives her loan. "pleasure doing business with you kid" Ilona waves as Amber flutters out the door. "you'll never see those crisp fivers again" "but i will see her legs broken, which is just as good; pixington legs are hollow, so they have this really satisfying 'SNAP' sound, and that amber kid is one big pixington so i imagine the sound will be glorious" "fair enough; how's the park you took over" "i've replaced the statue with a statue of myself, and i've replaced all the 'do not play on grass' signs with 'please play on grass, preferably with shovels'" "evil" "i am a demoness, after all" "what about the permits system?" "i printed myself a permit-abolishing permit and used it to abolish permits" "that's a massive change" "instead of needing a permit to do things in the park, you are now recorded while in the park, and billed for everything you do in the park" "that sounds more like what i was expecting" "i have made millions" "i would expect no less" Michelle walks in to hand over her payment for pretending to give the Ilona statue a wedgie. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 024: Frequent Traveller [Ilona]
Jakey walks into Ilona's Adventures in Debenture moneylender, where he finds Azalea trying to pay back a loan. "here you go; your crisp fiver, right on time" Ilona sprays Azalea and the crisp fiver with a chemical. "just as i thought; TIME TRAVEL RESIDUE!!!" "um-" "listen kid: you can't use your fancy time travel to hold onto one of my crisp fivers for as long as you want; i am going to have to have my loan collector break your legs" "wait a second-" "jakey, breaky" Jakey leaps onto Azalea wordlessly, and breaks her legs. "ow" "i will also need the time travel fee paid in full before closing or the arms are next" "how much is that" "five crisp fivers" "FIVE?! i can't afford that by closing time" "and i'd better not find any time travel residue on those crisp fivers or not only will you have to pay the time travel fee for each, but my collector will also break your um" Ilona consults her list of bones to break in which order, since she rarely has to go past the arms. "your ribs; every last one of your ribs will be broken, individually" "that sounds unpleasant" "now clear out" "um yes ma'am" Azalea drags herself across the floor, broken legs and all. Jakey walks up to the counter. "what's after ribs" "pelvis" "ouch" "after that, we start cutting things off" "joy" Michelle sharpens her glowing, over 9,000-degree knife. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Azalea missions]

Mission 025: Hustling the Hustler [Ilona]
"so ilona, any debts need to be collected?" "not immediately, no; people have actually been paying off their loans, which is unexpected but kind of nice" Just then, a figure bursts through the door. "FIVER INSPECTION" "already?" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i'm from the inspection board" "right this way inspector" Ilona leads Ruth into the vault, and Ruth carefully examines every crisp fiver in the place. "these fivers do not reach the minimum required crispness; these storage conditions are simply inadequate" "right" "i'll have to confiscate every single fiver in the place" Ilona reaches over and rips off Ruth's mask to reveal that it was actually Kathy underneath. "aren't you making enough money from your various business ventures?" "no such thing as 'enough' money" "i agree; which is why i am going to have my debt collector break your legs" "um wait a second-" Jakey leaps on top of Kathy and breaks her legs. "ow" "you may leave, and if i find that even one of my crisp fivers is missing, i will have my debt collector come back and break your arms AND ribs" "um goodbye sorry to trouble you" Kathy crawls out of the moneylender, her legs dangling broken behind her. "kid, you've got a gift for breaking people's legs" "hey thanks" Michelle walks in, stepping on Kathy's broken legs as she enters. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]