The Thing to Know (2028)

Mission 076: Alone at Last [Piper]
"hey piper, how's being one of the last angels not inside of a volcano going for you" "it's great; i can raid the secret tenured angels mountain dew fridge any time i want without those prissy elder angels yelling at me" "so all's well that ends well?" "definitely; i have been named head angel by all of the other angel unanimously" "wait, all of the other angel? singular?" "yeah it's just me and the post lady now, and thombus, but he's in no condition to vote for anything" "oh um cool" "yeah, we should start recruitment; do you know of anyone dead who loves christ" "yes but she's been turned into a wight" "well that's an easy fix; let's go" Piper grabs Jakey under the arms and flies him with her angel wings to Celtica. "hello, miss brooklyn davis?" "what do you want" "i am here on behalf of holy trinity inc. to offer you a job as an angel" "is that you eleatrice? go away" Piper shrugs, and blasts Brooke's door open with holy light. "AUGH I'M SORRY MISS ANGEL-wait why aren't you blonde" "we're rebranding" "oh good; i always wanted to be an angel, but i despised the idea of being blonde again" "well now you can be an angel with any hair colour you want" "where do i sign" Piper holds out the contract, and Brooke eagerly signs. Piper touches Brooke's forehead with her palm, erasing Brooke's wightlyness and replacing it with an angelic glow. "so um, ground rules: firstly, you are to do anything the queen of olympus tells you, and secondly, you can only purify undead with my or a greek goddess's express written consent" "why's that?" "once, someone tried to purify a lich and created an angelich that destroyed half of heaven" "oh, fair enough" "practice your purification on that michelle over there" "she's already very pure though" "i need to see if your purification has any corruption left in it" "fair" Brooke places her palm on Michelle's forehead. It does nothing. "good job" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions]

Mission 077: Suffer for Her Art [Alison]
"hey alison how have you been lately" "i am doing fantastic; my art managed to get my mortal enemy, the 'goddess' athena disintegrated!!! did you hear what she said about me?!" "she said when looking at one of your paintings that - and i quote - 'what is this garbage?! this complete and utter tripe is not even fit to be used as a rag to wash the dishes!!! do you know the name of the hamhanded dunce who created that slop? if so, athena's first act as queen will be to organise a task force to destroy every single work she's ever created and have it destroyed in the town square for all to see; also, the aforementioned dunce will be publically flogged and made into athena's personal grape-feeder and anger outlet for the rest of time as punishment for forcing athena's eyes to witness such an unaesthetic sight'" "that's even worse than what i'd heard before!!!" "yeah she was brutal; she also disintegrated your painting that was hung in the luminous villa" "oh, that's the one with the fresca painted on the ceiling, right? that is a work of art for the ages" "agreed" "it inspired my newest phase" Alison motions to various paintings of soda cans. "i like the one that's partially crushed" "i accidentally stepped on one of the cans before i painted it; it was the best mistake i ever made" "that one with the soda cans floating in the tub is also great" "it was inspired by our canadian national idol, scarlett hayes" Michelle walks in and finishes her soda. She tosses the can on the floor haphazardly. "BRILLIANT!!!" Alison prepares a canvas immediately to capture the fallen can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 078: Mini Minions [Echidna]
"jakey, i am fed up with every demoness and even goddesses having sentient minions but not me" "what, snakes not good enough for you?" "snakes are great but they aren't very autonomous; i need hundreds of snakely agents spread across the globe!!! in every corner of government, finance, real estate, and even fast food!!!" "so what are you going to do about it?" "well, my original gorgon experiment was a failure, due to them turning everyone to stone" "and then perseus killed the best one" "fucking hate that guy" "so no more gorgons" "right, we are simply going to create snake women, and i will call them snomen" "snowmen?" "no, short o like 'women'; snomen" "snowmen" "snimmen" "that's stupid" "fine, you come up with a better name" "hebi-onna" "less weeb please" "listen, you have two options: weeb or snowman" "snomen it is" "it'll never catch on" "hush; now watch as i create a new form of life" "this seems to be happening a lot lately" Echidna waves her arms around and creates a brand new snoman. "listen up, snoman: your name is boa, and you are my first snomanion" "your first what?" "snoman minion" "snowman minion?" "no, it's pronounced snu̇man; it's a portmanteau of 'snake' and 'woman'" "that's stupid" "SILENCE!!! you are a snoman, and you are my thrall" "laaaaaame" "now go and subvert a host nation" "yeah when i get a minute" Boa sits on the couch, as best a woman with a snakely tail can sit. Michelle puts a top hat on her snowman. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 079: Stop, Collaborate, Listen [Echidna]
"hey echidna, how's everything going with that boa hebi-onna you made" "snoman" "it's september, and we're in a hellish climate" "regardless of your japes, this is not going well at all; boa refuses to subvert any host nations" "how is she supposed to subvert anything without legs? people would know right off she's not one of them" "oh don't you start; all she wants to do is talk on the phone and go to the mall" "dire" "i can't make an army when the prime subject refuses to listen to my commands" Boa slithers up to Jakey and Echidna. "hey, jakey, right? i'm going to take a bath; guard it for me, okay? only come in if i yell 'VANILLIN'" "you got it, boa" Boa turns and grabs her rubber snakey and goes into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫breakin' my back just to know your name; seventeen tracks and i've had it with this gaaaaaaame♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Echidna simply fumes. "THAT SONG ISN'T EVEN ABOUT SNAKES!!!" "not particularly, no" "that's it; i'm going in there and i am going to give that boa a whoopin'" "no one gets past" "do not try and get between me and a whoopin'" "i am authorised to use lethal force to protect a bath" "♫HEAVEN AIN'T CLOSE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS; BRING IT BACK DOWN, BRING IT BACK DOWN TONIGHT♫" "why do you insist on protecting these things so fervently?! you are a zealot" "and you're a literal snake-tongued demoness" "yes, and?" Jakey and Echidna wait for Boa to finish her bath. Soon, Boa exits the bath and out the window. "oh that FUCKER" "she probably didn't want to receive that whoopin' you were loudly exclaiming she'd get" "she can't run forever" "she can't run at all; she doesn't have legs" "shut up" Michelle climbs in the window. "♫HEAVEN AIN'T CLOSE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS; TAKE ME BACK HOME, TAKE ME BACK HOME TONIGHT♫"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 080: Found a Friend [Echidna]
"jakey, i have tracked down my snoman thrall boa" "is she in a freezer? otherwise, she'll melt" "can you stop criticising my naming scheme for one minute?" "no" Echidna snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey end up in Hell rather than Gomorrah. "boa, return home this instant" "no way; i have finally found a new mother who appreciates me" "i'm not your mother, i'm your lord and master; you are bound to me as my thrall for all eternity" "not any more i'm not" "what." Wynne exits from the shadows. "i have taken in this poor, wayward hebi-onna" "SNOMAN!!!" "boa has found a new home as MY thrall; we have a great dental plan" "so do we" "you held me down and squirted an entire tube of mr. fresh's harsh mint toothpaste into my mouth" "and your breath has never been fresher" "i wasn't able to move my tongue for hours" "yeah, because it was being cleaned" "it's like pressure-washing a car; sure, it's clean, but all the paint is gone and the bodywork's probably dented" "but it's clean" "you are a terrible mother/lord and master" "i do what is necessary to further my demonic purpose; i do not coddle my thralls" "well i wish to be coddled, and wynne is the demoness who coddles best" "fine, be that way; i didn't need an army of snomen anyway" Echdina slithers off in a huff. Michelle exits Wynne's kitchen, eating some of Wynne's famous chocolate chip cookies. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 081: A Terrible Night to Have a Curse [Olivia]
"hey olivia, how's being cursed going" "i don't mind it; it's honestly kind of refreshing overall to have something to do" "i'll bet" "but my phone has been ringing off the hook for the last few years with temp jobs, and i've unfortunately got a huge backlog that i've got to work through" "so what's first on the list" "the human football league needs a linebacker" "that should be fun" "it says here that i will be on the skins team, which is great because skins university was my alma mater" "i'm glad, because i've always hated those shirts" "ugh don't even get me started on those shirts" Olivia and Jakey call up Trixie's magical taxi service, and are warped to the field, where Elizabeth is wearing a whistle. "THERE YOU ARE!!! the game was scheduled to start three years ago and people have been losing patience!!! the last coach quit on us!!!" "i'm here now coach" "good; you've arrived just in time, as i have just learned all of the rules of this weird game" Olivia whips off her shirt, ready to represent the Skins. The game finally begins, with half of the crowd having died of starvation, and the other half having subsisted only on stadium hot dogs. Olivia's natural orcish heavy-duty skeleton and total weight of well over 500 pounds absolutely dominates the game, leading to the Skins' victory over the Shirts. The Skins team attempts to lift and carry Olivia, but she is far too heavy. "it's okay, i appreciate the sentiment" Michelle, quarterback of the Skins team, hits the showers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 082: Absolutely Fed Up [Artemis]
"jakey, i have been poring over bathroom guard rules and regulations for weeks now and i'm at my wit's end; i need a bath, so could you please guard it and only come in if i yell 'CORN MALTODEXTRIN'" "yes" Artemis turns and grabs her rubber gazelle and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a spiteful tune. "DREADBEAT HOLIDAY!!! LET'S GO MON!!! ♫wake up, de house is on fire, and de cat's caught in de dryer mon!!!♫" Jakey stands rooted in place, horrified. Scarlett storms up the stairs. "what the fuck is going on here?! taking a beloved 90s punk classic and turning it into a reggae song IN THE BATH?! my rage is boiling over" "it's disgraceful" "♫DREADBEAT HOLIDAY!!! CELEBRATE YOUR OWN DECAY MON!!! DERE'S A VACANT SIGN DATS HANGIN HIGH ON DE NOOSE OVA YOUR HOME MON!!!♫" "why would she do this" "i told her about the proposed reggae ban and she has gone absolutely nuclear" "i will wait here until this blasphemous tune is over in order to gather my thoughts, and then i am going to scream at her" "wise" The tune soon ends, and Artemis exits the bath. "ah, scarlett; nice to see you" "what the absolute FUCK was that?!" "i'm tired of your jolly tune accords, i'm tired of your anti-reggae bias, and i'm tired of your very existence" Artemis whips out her silver club and bashes Scarlett in the face. Scarlett recoils in pain, but as Artemis winds up her second swing, Jakey tackles her from the side. "get off of me jakey; i must destroy this diva werewolf" "the only monster that must be destroyed here is you" Jakey gets out his demoness and goddess-killing knife and stabs Artemis until there is nothing left to stab. "are you okay scarlett" "yeah i think so" "she was unhinged" "i'll say" Michelle walks up and places a towel over the massive bloodstain on the floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 083: Consequences [Noriko]
"jakey what the fuck is this? why don't we have any running water?" "you know the answer to that question" "that 'guardian kobold' of yours has to go" "to where? she's bound to me for eternity ever since the angels were fired" "your guardian angel never had to live with you" "kosanna clearly isn't getting into heaven anytime soon after her recent war crimes" "so get her her own apartment" "then she'd be lonely" "and we'd have running water" "do you even use running water all that much? you can brush your teeth in the burger king bathroom" "the tap water there is flame-broiled" "even better" "jakey, mary's swimming pool is empty, and she is supposed to be hosting a pool party on friday" "it's a pool party, not a pool-full-of-water party; it's the guests' own fault if they came in with wrong expectations" "so what do you suggest they do at this empty pool party?" "you can still play marco polo in an empty pool" "i suppose that is true" "see? you're worried for nothing; this will pass, and we'll all forget it ever happened" "fine; i'm off to burger king to wash my hair" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks in, her hair given that fresh flame-broiled scent by the Burger King sinks. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kosanna missions]

Mission 084: Building It High [Candice]
"hey candice how's the building project coming along" "oh it's great; SIOBY TOWERS is going to dominate the canadian skyline" "sioby said she wanted the building to be called BONNIE TOWERS" "i thought that was a typo; she is not a bonnie, and is clearly more of a sioby" "we keep trying to tell her that, but to no avail" "well it's too late to change now; the first thing i did was collect the SIOBY letters on my skateboard like that hobo told me to after i ollied over her five times at five different locations" "what, were the SIOBY letters just floating around a park or something?" "yeah, it was pretty rad, to be honest" "you know, candice, you're looking pretty tired" "i am not tired in the slightest; my new supplements keep me full of energy and zeal and zest for life" "when was the last time you slept?" "i think it was last year sometime" "that's not healthy" "okay rumplestiltzkin-" "you're thinking of rip van winkle" "whatever; scientific study states that the human body needs 8-10 hours of sleep each year" "each day" "there's no way that's true; that's over a third of the day" "ask around; i'm sure the lowest number you'll hear from a normal person is six per day" "what a waste of my valuable time" "your heart is going to give out from all these energy supplements" "and yet i will have accomplished more in one year than these 'normal people' would in thirty" "that's fair" Michelle comes up and drops her completed collection of COMBO letters all over the handrail. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 085: An Even Worse Night to Have a Curse [Sophia]
"hey sophie, how's the unshrinking thing working out" "unfortunately, the phone number that demoness gave me was out of service, so i have no means to contact her to fix this horrible mistake" "to be expected" "so i went out to the book store to look for magickal grimoires and such, and found this" Sophia holds up a third edition pressing of the Necronomicon. "oh nice" "and it's translated into modern english characters in case you're some kind of invalid who can't tell a þ or a Ƿ from a P" "they don't teach those letters in schools" "Ƿell þey should; if þey Ƿere good enough for our anceſtors, þey are good enough for us" "so you were trying to unshrink mr shooty?" "RIGHT; so i was perusing this tome, and i came across an embiggening spell" "that sounds exactly like what you need" "okay i will cast it: ǷOLOK ſALVATO þORLOV!!!" Mr. Shooty immediately embiggens, becoming 1.01x his normal size. "this isn't good" "why? he's back to normal" "no, he is 1% bigger than before" "that's negligable" "that 1% is the difference between perfectly fitting my hands and being 1% too big for my hands" "then cast the spell on yourself" "oh good idea: ǷOLOK ſALVATO þORLOV!!!" Sophia immediately embiggens, becoming 1.01x her normal size. "it worked!!!" "you didn't change at all" "no, i am now 1% bigger" "whatever floats your boat" Michelle walks in to cast her own incantation. "TAKE ME HOME!!!"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 086: A Frigid Evening [Icelia]
"oh jakey good; you are just in time for another of icelia's award-winning japes" "let's see it" "okay okay get down" Jakey sits down behind a box with Icelia as Olivia walks into the room. "hello? i was told i'd be subbing for a punching bag-tester?" Icelia leaps out from behind the box, and freezes Olivia solid. "oh~hohohohohohohoho~!!! you have just been pranked with one of icelia's trademark delicious japes!!!" "what is the joke again?" "okay, icelia will break it down for you: this orcish temp came in thinking she was going to be testing punching bags, when in reality, she was going to be frozen by icelia!!! oh~hohohohohoho~!!! it is to laugh!!!" "these aren't really jokes; there's no comedic irony or twist of fate, you're just freezing people" "you are just jealous of icelia's razor-sharp wit" "have you ever done a single prank that doesn't involve freezing people?" "once, icelia cursed a swimming pool so that the next orc who went for a swim would fall into a coma and blamed gremory for it" "that also is not a joke" "philistine" Icelia saunters away while Jakey breaks Olivia out of her icely prison. "did you hear all that?" "yeah, a bit surprising really" "are you going to try and get revenge on icelia?" "nah; that coma may have put me out for three years, but they were drama-filled years anyway so no big loss" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks in and plays a delicious jape on Jakey, where she asks him to take her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 087: Research and Development [Natalie]
"hey natalie, any cases today?" "yes, i am defending the demoness ilona" "don't the demonesses have their own lawyer?" "yes, but sheraden flask is representing the plaintiff, that unimportant girl" "unimportant? why?" "it's a bit of a headache to be honest; just watch the trial" "okay then" Everyone sets up in preparation for the trial. "hello, my name is ruth barlow; i will be the official trial inspector today" Ruth bangs her gavel, which is by far her favourite part of her job. "plaintiff, your opening statement" "my client, unimportant, took out a loan for horoscope research and development, and the money she poured into the art gave immediate results: her horoscope told her that she had to spend the crisp fiver she was planning on returning to the defendant on a particularly jaunty chapeau; unimportant is looking for a loan extension due to these unavoidable circumstances" "defendant, you're up" "my client runs a business here; the terms of the loan were absolute, and by following the stars, she has doomed herself to face the consequences" Ruth bangs her gavel. "this case is very clear-cut; unimportant has defaulted on the loan, and must pay the blood price" Ruth bangs her gavel, and Ilona whistles for her loan collections officer. Jakey leaps down from the gallery and breaks Unimportant's legs. "ow" "court dismissed" Michelle leaps down from the gallery and breaks a table's legs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions/Unimportant missions]

Mission 088: A Crazy Customer [Ruth]
"jakey, do you know that sioby girl?" "yeah" "she's asked me to perform a bonnie inspection on her" "is there such a thing?" "yes; how else would we officially designate the bonnies and the siobys?" "fair enough" "this is the third time this month she's requested a bonnie inspection" "she's really determined to become a bonnie" "yet she does zero bonnie-like activities and expects to be graded differently" "she's a headcase" "she wants us to redefine the naming system we've used since cave times; i should simply give her an existence inspection and fail her on purpose so she will poof off of this mortal coil" "you can do that?" "yes, the inspection board gives me untold power over existence" "do you use it often?" "no, it takes a lot to annoy me to that point" "and sioby has crossed that line?" "she's about three toes over it" Michelle walks up and grabs Ruth's stamper. "take me home or i will be forced to fail you on your existence inspection"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 089: Up from the Gutter [King Bran]
"hey kb, is that gutterelda?" "yes, she was feeling sick so i let her stay here until she's better" "doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose of being a hobo if she has a home?" "listen, all i wanted was someone to pick up aluminum cans, sleep on park benches, and clean windshields; she has an eight-hour shift, then she comes home to the castle" "so if she really has a home to come back to, why does she always look so dirty and dissheveled?" "that's the uniform; my court wizard, ortence, she uses her magics to give gutterelda the perfect amount of dirt every day when she goes out, then she comes back and takes a nice long bubbly bath, serenading us with 70s hits" "so she's basically another salaried employee" "yes, exactly" "fair enough" Michelle walks up and takes Gutterelda's temperature. "jakey she's burning up; you should take me home so i don't catch whatever she has"
[reward: respect +/Ortence missions]

Mission 090: Being Real and Honest [Lilith]
"jakey, can i be honest with you for once?" "go right ahead" "these goblins are not exactly the best evil army" "good of you to admit it" "i mean, look at the place; the wall is covered with reams of paper with crayon drawings on them, all of the corners of tables and such have padding on them, and we even have those little plastic outlet covers after gobriella licked the power outlet" "sounds more like a daycare than an evil capital building" "it's not really going how i'd hoped" "well you could always admit defeat and disband the country" "and let eleatrice smugly gloat over me? never; she'd probably make me wash dishes in the wicked chateau for a thousand years" "so what are you going to do then?" "maybe you could kill me so my country would collapse by default, then i'd come back in 2030 and say 'can't be helped; the chosen hero slew me for being too big a threat'" "i don't particularly want to kill you" "oh, you charmer, you" Gobriella waddles up to Lilith from the other room. "miss lilith we made this card for you to thank you for everything you've done for us goblins" Lilith takes the card, and sees that the cover features a crayon drawing of Lilith standing on a mountain of other demonesses. "did we do a good job" "yes, yes you did" "hooray" Gobriella skips off, and Lilith puts the card on the refrigerator, right next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 091: Taking on the World [Victorrhea]
"hey jakey, it's thursday" "oh so it is" "i love thursdays; i always feel like i can take on the world whenever one rolls around" "it certainly has a different feeling than the other six" "shame i'll never see a world where we get two thursdays in a row" "it's too contentious a thing; if you felt this way on, say, fridays, i'm sure everyone would be onboard" "friday is the worst day of the week; i feel so lethargic after the high of thursday, but that might be due to the fact that i always stay up for all 24 hours of thursday" "really?" "yes, i do not wish to waste a single moment of thursday on sleep" "fair enough i suppose" Michelle walks in and hands Victorrhea a "Happy Thursday" cake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 092: Actions and Consequences [Eleatrice]
"jakey do you remember how i created wendigo and yuki-onna?" "yeah that was like two days ago" "right well they've been living on my couch and have eaten everything in my fridge" "well have you given them any way to buy their own couches and refrigerator stocked with food?" "what, just because i created them, i have to pay for them to live? that's a raw deal" "they never asked to be created" "true; perhaps i should uncreate them" "good idea" Eleatrice heads over to the couch. "begone my minions; i hereby UNCREATE YOU!!!" "finally" "i can't wait for the sweet release of nonexistence" Eleatrice banishes Wendigo and Yuki-Onna to the forbidden cluster. "that's not uncreating them" "it's close enough; now they're off my couch and i can watch my stories" Eleatrice flips on the TV and sees the story where Michelle slips on a banana peel. "classic" "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 093: A Successful Soiree [Mary]
"jakey sir your empty pool party idea was a big hit with my pixington party guests!!!" "as i expected" "this is the first time i've hosted a pool party without anyone drowning sir!!! you're a genius!!!" "thank you, thank you" "one pixington did break her nose when she ran straight into the side of the pool, but i told her that she should hold her arms out or something sir" "well that would increase drag" "that's exactly what she said sir" "i am glad that your party went well" "as am i sir; i hope the water never comes back on" "do you like taking baths in the burger king sink?" "love it sir; the flame-broiled water gives my skin a beautiful sheen" "agreed" Michelle comes in, all asheen with flame-broiled beauty. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 094: Good Things Finally Happen to Good People [Brooke]
"hey brooke how's being an angel working out for you" "oh it's great; i love flying around, blessing the good, punishing the wicked, and all that and all that" "nice" "unfortunately, wynne is a little mad at me for abandoning our deal" "she's just a powerful major demoness; what's she going to do?" "she can't override my angelicness without compromising my purity, which she could NEVER accomplish, so she's been waiting for me to fly around and then she modifies the wind direction randomly so i tumble about and crash into buildings and trees" "oh that sucks" "yeah but what can you do? i'm turning the other cheek constantly" "sounds like you've finally found your calling in death" "yeah, everything worked out okay for once; can't wait for it to all come tumbling down tumbling down tumbling down" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks up, covered in sins. Brooke uses her angelic light to wash those sins away. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 095: Seeking an Accord [Brooke]
"jakey, you have the jolly tune accords of 1986 memorised, right?" "down to the letter" "is there anything in there about taking a bubbled bath in a hot tub" "it's considered unorthodox, but it's not frowned upon or illegal" "cool; i'm going to go make a big bubbly mess out of the angelic hot tub; please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'ROLLED OATS'" "got it" Brooke grabs her rubby ducker and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i need a lover that won't drive me crazy, i need a lover that won't drive me crazy, i need a lover that won't drive me crazy; someone who knows the meaning of a-'HEY HIT THE HIGHWAY'♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, but his bopping is suddenly cut short by silence. "ROLLED OATS ROLLED OATS" Jakey kicks open the door to the hot tub room to see Brooke being blown to and fro in a heavy storm. "help" "maybe you should just go and apologise to wynne; send her an angelic gift basket" "i am currently more worried about not capsizing and drowning" "you're an angel; you can't drown" "is that a fact? do you know that with 100% certainty?" "well-" "then i am going to try my damnedest to stay afloat" Jakey looks out the window and sees Wynne waving her arms about to control the wind, which in turn affects the water. "hey wynne what's up" "oh hey jakey; just punishing this 'angel' for abandoning me" "well this was always her dream job" "and my job as a demoness is to dash hopes and dreams" "fair point i suppose; how would i go about getting you to turn your attention to someone else?" "i could be persuaded for, perhaps, a crisp fiver" "fine" Jakey digs into his wallet and passes over a crisp fiver. "pleasure doing business" Wynne warps off, and the room settles. Unfortunately, Wynne left a parting gift in the hot tub. "is that the kraken?" "did she steal that from gremory?" "well i guess i'm never using this hot tub again" As the kraken relaxes in the hot tub, Michelle brings it a drink. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 096: An Important Step [Scarlett]
"jakey i've got a meeting today, hopefully to once and for all ban reggae from being sung in the bath once and for all" "good riddance" "to that end, i have hired a temp to take this bath for me; ciao" Scarlett walks off, leaving Olivia in her place. "okay jakey, scarlett left me a tune to sing, and sing it i shall; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP'" "got it" Olivia turns and grabs her leather ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing the jolly tune Scarlett had left for her. "♫josie's on a vacation far away; come around and talk it over♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Kosanna walks up the stairs, badly concealing a silver hatchet. "jakey, i need to see scarlett" "she's left for an important meeting" "then who's that in the bath?" "her temporary replacement, so the scheduled bathing for today gets done" "♫I JUST WANNA USE YOUR LOVE TONI-IGHT; I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOUR LOVE TONI-IGHT♫" "that's just weird" "is it, though? just because scarlett's away doesn't mean we can leave the baths untaken" "that would make sense for like cleaning the floors or doing the dishes, but you can't just wash yourself and have it count by proxy" "scarlett is a canadian idol; she has a quota of baths to hit" "who gains from this? it's not like anyone is allowed to see her bathe" "did you not see the legion of fans outside?" "that's what those were?" "people come from all around to stand by scarlett's window and listen to her sing in the bath" "strange" Olivia exits the bath, and sees Kosanna with her little hatchet. "hey, nice tiny replica axe" "it's called a hatchet" "whatever floats your boat kid" Michelle walks in and hands Kosanna a much larger axe. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 097: The Results Are In [Scarlett]
"how'd it go scarlett" "artemis's brutal attack on me made me motion pass unanimously" "almost like people don't respond well to violence" "who'd have thought" "i am glad that it is now an arrestable offense to sing reggae in the bath" "same; i would like to celebrate with a bath" "of course" "same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫you know i'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold; i had to run away high, so i wouldn't come home low♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Unimportant sprints up the stairs. "JAKEY IS SCARLETT ALREADY IN THE BATH?!" "yeah, she's singing a jolly tune and everything" Unimportant mashes her ear to the door. "oh no i've got to stop this" "no one gets past" "you don't understand!!! scarlett is a pisces and her horoscope today said not to sing glam metal power ballads in the bath today!!! SHE'S IN DANGER!!!" "♫I'M ON MY WAY, JUST SET ME FREE; HOME SWEET HOME♫" "you are too late, unimportant; once the jolly tune is commenced, i am honour-bound to never interfere unless i hear the safety phrase" "even if she's in mortal danger?!" "even if" Unimportant begins pacing feverishly until Scarlett exits the bath. "SCARLETT!!! you're safe!!!" "um, yes?" "you really should read your horoscope before you take a bath like that!!!" "um, okay?" Unimportant and Scarlett walk to the dressing room, Unimportant trying to get Scarlett to subscribe to the daily paper. Michelle comes in, carrying her own daily paper. "your horoscope says to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 098: Sold on the Idea [Scarlett]
"nice daily paper scarlett" "that unimportant woman got me so riled up that i subscribed to this publication; today, it says that i, as a pisces, will be visited by three ghosts" "three ghosts?" "yeah it's a load of tripe; i don't believe it" "luckily you've bought a subscription to that tripe" "indeed; regardless, please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i can see her lyin back in her satin dress in a room where you do what you don't confess♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, confident that no ghosts will appear. Certainly not three, at any rate. One is plausible, sure. But three? Not a chance. "♫SUNDOWN, YOU'D BETTER TAKE CARE IF I FIND YOU BEEN CREEPIN' 'ROUND MY BACKSTAIRS♫" All of a sudden, the tune cuts out. Jakey stands ready, but hears no safety phrase. He's heard of this, of course. The bath guard's worst nightmare: a death before the safety phrase could be uttered. He is honourbound to guard this door until the bather emerges or the safety phrase is uttered. Some bath guards end up spending an entire lifetime guarding the door of a dead bather, but that is simply the way things must be. After a little while, Scarlett solemnly exits the bath. "scarlett? what happened?!" "i was visited by three ghosts" "really?" "yes, the ghost of bubbly baths past showed me singing raspberry beret in the bath" "that was in 2021, right?" "yeah; then the ghost of bubbly baths present showed me singing sundown" "which got cut off" "yes, and then the ghost of bubbly baths future showed me a horrible, horrible future that i will try to avert, but will be unable to" "that's the spirit" "promise me something: if i break the jolly tune accords, please put me down like the dog i have become" "do not worry, i promise i will" "thanks, you're a peach" Scarlett heads off to get dressed, and Michelle walks in. "i am the ghost of take me home present; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 099: Winding Down [Wynne]
"jakey i am going on vacation for a day or so so i've hired a temp to do all the wind stuff while i'm gone; you should watch her to make sure she doesn't accidentally send a tornado crashing down main street, unless you think that would be funny, in which case, fair enough" Wynne teleports off as Olivia enters the room. "jakey? where's wynne?" "she's left for her vacation" "but i have no idea how to run all these instruments and she didn't leave me any notes" "maybe if you do nothing, everything will work out okay" "i doubt it; that flashing screen looks pretty insistent that i do something" "oh yeah" "so it wants me to set the wind speed for the day in miles per hour" "well a nice gentle breeze would be about five miles per hour" "okay that sounds good" Olivia punches in a five, and the machine stops blinking. The wind loudly soars by the weather shack. "what the hell is that?!" "i found an instruction manual for this machine, and it says it measures wind speed in demonic miles" "what the hell is a demonic mile?!" "it's roughly equivalent to ten regular miles" "so i just created galeforce winds" "looks like it" "i can't slow it down" "what" "it says i have to wait an hour to change the wind speed, or i can reset the timer by inserting a crisp fiver" "well do you have any crisp fivers?" "all mine are soggy after i accidentally took them into the bath" "you really need to be more careful about these things" "i know, i know" Michelle blows in through the door of the shack. "what a refreshing breeze; take me home in the hot air balloon"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 100: Meet You All the Way [Kosanna]
"hey kosanna how are you holding up" "i've realised that i need to stop saying things like 'it's a stupid law' and just own up to the fact that i committed a war crime and must face the consequences" "that's the spirit" "i am going to confess my sins; wish my luck" Kosanna walks into the church where Father Brucie has been playing Tetris in the confession booth as he waits for a penitent sinner. "forgive me father for i have sinned" "oh yes right jolly good - confess it to me" "earlier this month, i committed a war crime, violating the jolly tune accords of 1986 by taking toto's rosanna and replacing the title lyric with my own name, kosanna" "that is a grave crime indeed" "i would like to ask forgiveness" "oh yes; most of the time, i just forgive people for sins, but this is a serious one; ten hail marys should clear it right up though" "thank you father" Kosanna heads to a pew. "hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary hail mary" Ruth walks into the church, having been informed of these Hail Marys by the father. "your sins and crimes have been absolved kosanna; we have turned your water back on, just don't do it again" "i promise not to" "now go and take a bath please for all of our sakes" "yes ma'am" Kosanna salutes and Ruth leaves. "jakey, guard my bath please? i promise to do it properly this time" "all right" "only come in if i yell 'BEEF GELATIN'" Kosanna turns and grabs the consecrated rubber ducky and bathes in the holy water, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫winter is here again, oh lord; haven't been home in a year or more♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, he listens carefully for more war crimes. "♫OH, THE WHEEL IN THE SKY KEEPS ON TURNIN'; I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'LL BE TOMORROW♫" The jolly tune concludes with zero war crimes committed. As Kosanna exits the bath, everyone claps for her atonement, including Jakey, Father Brucie, Ruth, and even Michelle, who is notoriously hard to please. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions/Ruth missions]