A Passionate Thing (2028 - February)

Mission 001: Headless Cross [King Bran]
"last month of goddess rotation jakey" "it's got to be better than last month" "jakey, there's nothing stating that you have to pow around with these various election candidates for a whole month" "i like to be informed about the situation of the world" "that does not sound like you at all; if i had you draw a map for me, you'd probably leave out at least ten countries" "it's not my fault that the public education system failed me; i am trying to make up for lost time" "just look at a map online; there are loads of them" "that would be cheating; i use my own map that i created myself using my superior cartography skills" "let me see that" Jakey hands King Bran his map. "you just drew a bunch of circles and ovals" "yeah; the literal coastlines are extremely unimportant, what matters is the soul of each area" "why is celtica so small" "because its people are small, obviously; why would they need a big country" "to house all their rolling hills" "hills are unimportant; they are not on my map" "i am done looking at this; i am getting a headache" Jakey takes back his map as the goddess of the month walks in. "greetings king of alabama, prince of canada; i am aphrodite, the goddess of love" "hello" "i look forward to meeting with both of you all about your respective love lives" "no thanks, i'm married" "but kb - what if your wife is not your true soulmate?!" "i do not wish to know if you believe that to be the case" "fair enough; what about you, jakey? you've been orbiting several dozen women for years now; surely you're ready to settle down with one?" "no way, canadian tradition states that as soon as i take a wife, after one whole year without murdering her, i become king of canada and the stork brings a new baby jakey and michelle to be our replacements and i am not ready for that; i still have so much meandering to do before i'm confined to a throne room for the rest of my days" Michelle nods, not ready for her own meandering to end. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Aphrodite missions]

Mission 002: Luminous as Aways [Aphrodite]
"oh jakey, good; i'm about to check out the luminous villa for the first time, come" Aphrodite enters into the Luminous Villa's entryway, and is instantly awed by the Fresca on the ceiling. "that is one beautiful fresca" "i'll say" "that unique font choice could only have come from sabrina sable, right?" "yes" "she's great; you should totally hook up with her" Jakey mumbles and grumbles under his breath. "either way, i need to redecorate around here; i never did like athena's obsession with owls; it was always kind of creepy" "agreed" Aphrodite replaces all the owl statues with lovebirds. "now this is a villa meant for a goddess" "is that one a crow?" "oh, so it is; crows deserve love too" "and owls don't?" "i don't like the way they look at me with those big old eyes" "i know, right?" "and when i found out that owls' eyes are just big tubes? it got even worse" "owls are nature's mistakes" "indeed; along with all those bugs that sting and bite and generally just fly around and ruin romantic evenings" "right" "also i don't really like camels" "really?" "one spit on me once" "gross" "i know, right?" Michelle walks up and places a big, bold raven statue among the lovebirds. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: Hired Help [Aphrodite]
"hey jakey check it out; the goddess apate has agreed to work for me as my campaign solicitor on an exclusive basis" Aphrodite holds up a contract signed by "Apæte". "she even spelled her name wrong so she could also sign contracts like this for the other four demonesses" "and you're the first to figure it out" "what's done is done, and if apate wants to help me now, she is more than welcome to; say, you and apate would make a cute couple" "let's uh just watch her in action" "ooh how romantic~" Aphrodite and Jakey peer around the corner to see Apate making a call on speaker. "hello there, miss everhart; i am calling to represent the goddess aphrodite in her bid to be elected queen of olympus in the upcoming olyction" "i'm legally evil; i can't vote" "aphrodite can purify the undead, you know; she can make you a good human again, and also bring back your stream audience" "how would she go about doing that" "she could make them love you" "really?" "yes, and then you wouldn't be constantly asked to play the latest flavour of the month bad games and could instead do whatever you want; playing good games, reading a book, hell, even sleeping" "i do like sleeping" "and you know how eleatrice made you a vampire again last september?" "yeah?" "aphrodite can also make eleatrice completely dispassionate about you so she never comes back" "that sounds too good to be true" "well, to be fair, you'll also age like a normal human, but most of your acquaintences are older now than you were when you turned into a vampire so it's all good really" "where do i sign up?" "aphrodite will be over to your house shortly to confirm the exchange; you become not a vampire, and she gets your vote" "okay i'll do it" "thanks gwendo; you're all right, i don't care what artemis says" "i take it she says i'm vampiric filth and will always be vampiric filth? and if she wins, she'll hunt me down to the ends of the earth to celebrate her victory?" "wow, got it in one; i don't believe it for a second, however" "sure, sure" Gwendolyn hangs up first this time. "well looks like i've got to go and purify a vampire" "purify her a second time for me" "oh absolutely; you two would make a cute couple" "uh-huh" Aphrodite warps off, and in her place comes Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: An Unimportant Interlude [Aphrodite]
"hey jakey; unimportant here was just telling me all about horoscopes and such, but more importantly: do i remember right? the first time you met unimportant, you told her you loved her?" "that was something that happened" "and why have you not acted on that since?!" "my horoscope told me to take it slowly and i have been taking it at a snail's pace" Unimportant respects that answer. "well jakey, aphrodite, my horoscope told me to get a move on today so i'll see you two later" Unimportant zips out of the Luminous Villa. "why did you put me on the spot like that?" "you have a lot of love you keep pent up; i need you to release that love onto someone other than your sister" "you know i only told unimportant i loved her to distract her from her plot to destroy the world" "yes, then she told you that she loved you back" "i had repressed that memory" "jakey, you have saved her life twice now; you should totally marry her" "both of those times i saved her life also saved the world, you know? she was trying to commit murder/suicide both times" "she believed she was sacrificing herself for the greater good both times" "yeah, she's kind of crazy" "just like you!!! come on, give her a chance" "you do realise that if we arrange a date to get married, her horoscope on that date will tell her to be a runaway bride, right?" "yes, and that will be the romantic test of your relationship!!! the climax of the romantic comedy that is life!!!" "i don't want my life to be a romantic comedy; just a regular comedy" "well you've failed on that one" Michelle walks up and slips on a banana peel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: A Nice Little Interlude [Aphrodite]
"well jakey, i've pored over this list of cancers that unimportant gave me, due to me being a pisces, and i would like you to come with me to talk to one" "okay, let's go" Aphrodite snaps her fingers, teleporting herself and Jakey to the Sinful Manse. "hi lilith" "hello" "psst jakey; i know you've got a thing for lilith, ask her out" "aphrodite stop" "no, i saw how you gave her that sweater for christmas in 2024 and she's~ still~ wearing~ it~" "don't we have business to attend to?" "oh, right; miss lilith, i need to speak to gobigail" "is this about the olyction?" "yes, i want gobigail to vote for me" "goblins vote for who i tell them to vote for; it's in their contracts" "well tell them to vote for me" "what are you offering in exchange" "jakey's hand in marriage" "WHAT." "i accept this transaction; marrying the prince of canada will make gomorrah a political powerhouse" "i don't accept this transaction" "here, jakey; lilith's dowry" Aphrodite hands Jakey a crisp fiver. "that is one particularly crisp fiver" "was there any doubt?" While Jakey is tempted by the crispness of that fiver, Lilith and Aphrodite discuss terms. "okay aphrodite, go and talk to gobigail; seeing jakey sweat over a crisp fiver like this is payment enough" "thanks" Aphrodite heads over to the goblin pens. "hey gobigail? my name is aphrodite and lilith wants you to vote for me" "i like to vote" "yes; say, do you like jakey?" "yes he is nice and smells like maple syrup" "you and him would make a cute couple; just saying" "i am proud of my cuteness" "and for good reason" As Jakey continues to agonise over that crisp fiver, Michelle slaps him to smack him out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: The Next Episode [Aphrodite]
"okay jakey, next on our little list of cancers is sioby masterson" "this'll be fun; let's go" "yes, i do know how much you like sioby; you should ask her out" "let's just go" "fine, fine" Aphrodite snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear inside Sioby's secret hideout. "hello sioby-" "YOU" "huh?" "i heard you talking shit aphrodite" "pardon?" "you claim to not know what you said?! and now you want me to vote for you in the olyction?! fuck off; athena appreciates me and my bonnieness" "sioby, think for a moment-" "no, i have gone this far into my life without thinking, and i refuse to start now" "sioby you'll never attract a man if you don't let go of this whole 'bonnie' thing; you are a beautiful sioby, the epitome of siobyness" "get out or i will release the hounds" "you don't have hounds" "i knew i shouldn't have put that off" "accept your siobyness, and vote for me sioby" "never" "fair enough; bye" Aphrodite teleports away. "oh jakey hey um so funny story really but i was stealing a statue and it turned out it wasn't a statue and was actually your sister so um here you go" Sioby hands over Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: A Happy Occasion [Aphrodite]
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY JAKEY!!! so who's your special valentine, huh~? huh~? huh~?" "there are just so many good options that i didn't know who to choose" "I KNOW RIGHT?! but between you and me? that gravedigger girl is totally sweet on you" "jasmine? i killed her though" "no no not her; though it did break jasmine's little heart when you shot her to death, i was talking about valerie" "oh, her; she's cool" "if you told her to jump off a bridge, she totally would" "of course; she bought a hundred cartons of cigarettes because some kids told her she'd look cool" "she needs direction in life!!! she CRAVES IT!!! and who better to give her direction than the prince of canada?! you easily convinced her to draw a comic book, then to jockey discs; face it, you need to slap a ring on that gravedigger's finger" "but what if i want to be the one receiving direction? what if i want to be coddled and protected?" "well that's what the summer wife is for - marry that grace woman, she loves to coddle you like an infant" "summer wife? is that a thing?" "in some countries, yes" "i have never once heard of that" "well you have already claimed that you don't know every country in existence because your public education was extremely flawed" "true" "so marry 'em both!!! hell, marry a hundred of 'em!!!" "that does not sound healthy" "i'll level with you: i get paid a commission every time someone gets married" "it all makes sense now" Michelle walks up and slaps a ring on Jakey's finger. "this is a promise ring; a ring to remind you of your promise to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Boarding Terminal One [Aphrodite]
"okay jakey, next on our little list of cancers is victorrhea stockhardt" "she's already committed to voting for nike" "nike? really? never struck me as the type" "nike's campaign solicitor said nike would cure timinchinitis, and that hestia was out to get her" "unfortunate; still, we must carry on" "i suppose" "after all, victorrhea is clearly sweet on you" "is there anyone who is not sweet on me, according to you?" "oh, definitely; rubina, the demoness of rubber, thinks you're a wuss" "makes sense" "and athena of course isn't sweet on anyone but herself" "granted" "there are more but i'll digress for now; regardless, that victorrhea and that panacea are definitely into you" "sure, sure" Aphrodite snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey wind up outside Victorrhea's personal hospital. "smart; enyo tried to warp directly in and was violently thrown out" Orianna stands guard at the door. "name?" "jakey" "head in" Orianna lets Jakey in. "name?" "aphrodite, the goddess of love" "not on the list" "let her in" At Victorrhea's word, Orianna allows Aphrodite into the building. "hello miss victorrhea" "hello; i have already pledged to vote for nike" "yeah i heard nike planned to cure your disease, but i can do that and one other thing nike can't" "which is?" "i can make the royal you secretly admire totally into you" "you can do that?! you can make king bran love me?!" "wait what" "king bran, my secret admiree" "i thought it was jakey" "um no; jakey's cool and all but he's no k.b." "oh, well this is awkward" "the only thing keeping me from confessing my secret admirership to k.b. is his utter disdain for thursdays; i am conflicted and torn" "but you like that about him; if he didn't hate thursdays, what would he have?" "a lot of money, a palace, servants, and roguish good looks" "true, but unfortunately, i cannot remove king bran's hatred of thursdays; it is too deep-seated in the very fiber of his being" "then we have nothing more to discuss" Victorrhea motions for Orianna to remove Aphrodite from the premises. "you're really into king bran?" "no, i can't stand the man's hatred of thursdays; i just wanted her to leave" "fair enough" Michelle walks in wearing her anti-Thursday task force shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Bossy Boots [Aphrodite]
"okay jakey, next on our little list of cancers is beatrice magison" "trixie?" "yeah, the magical cabbie who is totally crushing on you" "can we just go? i don't want to hear about who you ship with me" "oh, i ship you with ruth" "ruth?!" "you sound surprised" "i just didn't expect that one" "fair enough" Aphrodite snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear at the public transportation office. "hey busara, can we see trixie?" "is this about the olyction?" "yes" "her contract states that she votes for who i decide she will vote for, same with every union member" "how can i convince you to have all your people vote for me, then?" "i want you to spend march through august driving one of my buses; i've got a hole in my bussies list ever since violet quit - the seniors have been stuck at bingo for months" "deal; maybe while i'm at it, i can get those old widows and widowers to marry eachother" "cool; trixie's in the other room" Aphrodite and Jakey head into the locker room, where Trixie is laying on a bench, staring at the ceiling. "trixie? my name is aphrodite, and you are contractually obligated to vote for me in the upcoming olyction" "cool" "are you upset about something?" "sometimes, the urge to murder goes away if i stare at the ceiling tiles long enough" "being a recovering murderholic must be tough" "i killed twelve people last week" "what?! but you were coming along so well on your murderholics anonymous program!!!" "well, once you kill one, the rest are pretty much free because the streak is broken anyway, right?" "they really need a better system; maybe a year without committing murder gets you a free one" "now that is a good idea; you should be the one in charge of murderholics anonymous, not that uncaring freakshow judith; actually, there's a vacancy right now after judith's untimely death at my hands" "i'll definitely consider it if this olyction thing doesn't work out" "you're making me want to not vote for you" "doesn't really matter what you want; you're under contract" "right" Michelle falls down through the ceiling tiles, landing directly on Trixie's chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: The Final Curtain [Aphrodite]
"jakey, you know what every candidate needs?" "a celebrity endorsement, specifically from scarlett hayes?" "yes; you two would be totally cute together btw" "yeah yeah, so give me your safety phrase and let's have at it" "oh, right; guard my bath and don't come in unless i yell 'MEDIUM CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES'" "got it" Aphrodite turns and grabs her rubber lovebird and hops into the bath, where she begins to sing a love song. "♫i don't know what he does to make you cry, but i'll be there to make you smile; i don't have a fancy car - to get to you, i'd walk a thousand miles♫" "♫i don't care if he buys you nice things; does his gifts come from the heart?♫" Jakey resists the urge to peek into the bath. A duet? Never has he heard such a thing from a bubbly bath. "♫but my love is all i have to give; WITHOUT YOU I DON'T THINK I CAN LIVE; I WISH I COULD GIVE THE WORLD TO YOU BUT LOVE IS ALL I HAVE TO GIVE♫" Scarlett walks up the stairs with Ruth in tow. "hey uh ladies" "is that aphrodite's official bubbly bath song?" "i suppose it is" "that is just sick" "i can't believe she'd try to cheat like that" "pardon?" "a five-piece love song? i can't abide by this; i'm heading in" Before Jakey can react, Ruth has stamped the door down with her 'FAILED' stamper. Inside, we see Aphrodite in the bath, sans bubbles, while Apate, Nemesis, Busara, and Ilona stand next to the tub also singing the song. "uh gotta go" Apate, Nemesis, Busara, and Ilona teleport off, leaving just a fully-clothed Aphrodite in the tub. "you are a disgrace to bathers everywhere" Ruth stamps 'FAILED' all over Aphrodite's body, and leaves in a huff. Scarlett walks up to Aphrodite and smacks her across the face. "you are disqualified from my endorsement; i was waiting for all five contestants in the olyction to go before deciding, after criticism in the hellection, but i needn't have; you are the world's greatest fraud, and three of the girls didn't even finish their songs" "so, that means-" "yes, nike is getting my endorsement; well-deserved, indeed" Scarlett slaps Aphrodite one more time before leaving in her own huff. "well that could have gone better" "couldn't have gone worse" Just then, Michelle enters in a huff of her own. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: One More Time [Aphrodite]
"jakey, i have travelled back in time to gain scarlett's celebrity endorsement for sure this time" "you have? but i remember everything that happened the first time" "yes, but that is because i asked timera, the demoness of time, to make sure only you and i remembered what happened" "why?" "because i did, now unless you're going to agree that you and timera would make a cute couple, just stay there and guard my bath unless i yell 'MEDIUM CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES'" "okay okay" Aphrodite turns and grabs her rubber lovebird, and hops into the bath, where she begins to sing a song all by herself. "♫oh baby, baby, how was i supposed to know that something wasn't right here?♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, paying careful attention to how many voices he hears at any given time. "♫MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME; I MUST CONFESS, I STILL BELIEVE (STILL BELIEVE) WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU, I LOSE MY MIND; GIVE ME A SIGN; HIT ME, BABY, ONE MORE TIME♫" The song concludes, and Scarlett climbs the stairs as Aphrodite comes out, soaking wet to prove that she actually took the bath this time. "hello miss scarlett" "hello; as you may have guessed, i have been waiting this whole time for all five candidates to sing their respective songs, and i have made my decision on who to support" "oh boy" "well, firstly, the three candidates who did not finish their songs are disqualified" "naturally" "now between you and nike, i must say: i applaud your decision to also sing the second 'still believe' yourself despite it being a backing vocal, because the song falls flat without it" "thank you" "however, i have a massive bias toward the 1980s, and must pledge my support to nike due to her using a song from scarface" "fair enough i suppose" "no hard feelings, of course" "of course" "ciao" Scarlett leaves the Luminous Villa, not in a huff this time. "so you still lost" "maybe i should go back in time and sing a madonna song" "i recommend against it" "why?" "in all the time i've known scarlett, neither her or anyone else has repeated an artist while singing bubbly bath songs, and i'm pretty sure she'd heavily deduct points if you sang a madonna song when she already sang like a prayer back in 2020" "wait, that was almost eight years ago" "yes" "you remember back that far?" "i've been keeping a log book of songs i've heard people sing in the bath and also their safety phrases" "why" "i figured it might come in handy someday; for example, if i hear someone yell 'HYDROGENATED PALM KERNAL OIL', i will know it is amber who is in danger" "you don't know how many countries we have on this continent, but you have a detailed log of every song you've heard someone sing in the bath" "yes; 75 and counting" "so if i asked you, would you be able to tell me the safety phrase of sabrina sable?" "'SHEA OIL'" "and what did she sing that one time?" "welcome to the black parade; the anthem of our generation" "fair enough" Michelle walks up and cannot contain the anthem. "♫AND THOUGH YOU'RE CYNICAL, BELIEVE ME, THIS JAKEY WILL NOW TAKE ME HOME; HE'LL TAKE ME HO-O-OME♫"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Third Time Is, as They Say [Aphrodite]
"okay, jakey, after perusing your list, i have travelled back in time a second um time, and am going to sing for scarlett the ULTIMATE bath song" "godspeed; i'll guard your bath and only come in if you yell 'MEDIUM CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES" Aphrodite turns with purple and grabs her rubber lovebird, and hops into the bath, where she begins to sing her final and ultimate bath song. "♫i feel the night explode when we're together; emotion overload in the heat of pleasure♫" Jakey bops and bops, the tune all he can hear and feel. "♫TELL IT TO MY HEART; TELL ME I'M THE ONLY ONE; IS THIS REALLY LOVE OR JUST A GAME?!♫" The song concludes, and Scarlett climbs the stairs as Aphrodite comes out dripping wet. "hello miss scarlett" "hello; as you may have guessed, i have been waiting this whole time for all five candidates to sing their respective songs, and i have made my decision on who to support" "okay" "well, firstly, the three candidates who did not finish their songs are disqualified" "naturally" "now between you and nike, it's difficult, as you both sang beloved 80s tracks" "i do love the 80s" "but you sang yours with such fervor and passion that i simply must give it to you; in a battle of who really wanted it, you clearly came out on top" "thank you miss scarlett" "you hereby have my endorsement for your campaign; just please don't make banners of me saying something stupid like 'i'm flighty for aphrodite'" "i'm tempted now" "please don't make me regret this" Scarlett leaves the Luminous Villa, and Aphrodite pops the cork on some champagne. "congratulations" "thanks; i knew that if i just went back in time to fix my mistakes over and over, i'd eventually succeed" Michelle walks up and pops her own cork on a bottle of Mountain Dew. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: And You and Your Sweet Desire [Aphrodite]
"well, it's the last day of the month, february 29th" "yeah you got a nice and long february; even longer since you kept going back in time for do-overs" "regardless, february is a month deeply-connected with aphrodite; we had valentine's day, and now today is mardi gras" "leap day mardi gras? interesting" "jakey, taketh these beads and land the mother of all tit-flashes" Jakey throws some beads at Aphrodite, who reciprocates by showing her tits. "i love this holiday" "go forth, and spread my beadly message" "can do ma'am" Jakey heads for the Wicked Chateau, and throws some beads at Eleatrice, who obligingly shows off her tits. He then heads for the Sinful Manse, and throws beads at Lilith, who also shows her tits. Even the demoness queens cannot deny the awesome power of the Mardi Gras beads. Jakey heads to Icelia's practice space and throws beads at the guitars/muses, who all show their tits. Mavis has a bit of trouble flashing due to her skin-tight leather corset, but she makes it work. Jakey throws beads at Icelia. "what are you throwing at icelia?!" "beads; it's mardi gras" "who is this marty graw and why does he compell you to throw beads at icelia?!" "it's a tradition; men throw beads at women, and then said women flash their tits in appreciation" "icelia's glorious breasts are worth more than just a few plastic beads!!! begone with you" "STOP RIGHT THERE LAWBREAKER!!!" The police cop Miranda kicks down the door and aims her gun at Icelia. "flash your tits or face a prison sentence; mardi gras is a sacred institution" "icelia will do no such thing" "do not make me use lethal force" Icelia freezes Miranda's gun. "oh no" "now leave icelia before icelia turns you into icelia's new ice sculpture" "REQUESTING BACKUP REQUESTING BACKUP!!!" Miranda runs out of the building, terrified and helpless without her gun. "icelia, they will hunt you to the ends of the earth if you do not flash your tits before me" "let them hunt; icelia fears no man, woman, or child" "if word gets out that you refused to flash your tits during mardi gras, you will become the public's most despised figure" "must icelia compromise all of icelia's principles for the common rabble?" "pretty much, yeah" Icelia sighs. "fine, then; look closely at icelia's glory, for after this moment, icelia will erect an anti-bead forcefield" "that's fair" Icelia lifts her top, revealing her pale, jiggly breasts. "now burn that image into your brain because it will never happen again" Icelia pulls down her top, and throws the beads she had received straight at Michelle. Michelle reciprocates by flashing her royal tits. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]