Another Christmas Thing (2028 - December)

December 001: A Very Merry Time [King Bran]
"well kb, we've made it through another year" "yes, and it is finally time to get down to brass tacks and start thinking about the most wonderful time of the year: CHRISTMASTIME" "word" "hopefully no one will try to steal christmas this year; it's an unfortunately common occurance" "yes, which is exactly why i spent all of november planting seeds of non-stealing christmas things for the demonesses to do" "oh smart" "by the way, i hope you won't hate me for what i told timera to do" "what." "see, she wanted to make it perpetually christmas eve so it would never become christmas" "oh dear god" "so i suggested she do something uh else instead" "yes? and what else is it?" "well uh-" Just then, Timera storms into the castle. "my ears are burning" "they have a cream for that" "cute; anyway kb, i have done the impossible" "walked and chewed gum at the same time?" "i have done the other impossible thing: i have made it so every day from here on in perpetuity is THURSDAY!!!" "YOU MONSTER!!!" "look at your calendars IF YOU DARE!!! never again will you experience the sweet succor of casual friday!!! buck naked tuesday? A THING OF THE PAST!!! BUT NEVER THE FUTURE!!!" "JAKEY WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!" "it was all i could think of to avoid sacrificing christmas!!!" "I WOULD SACRIFICE EVERY CHRISTMAS PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE TO ABOLISH THURSDAYS FOREVER AND EVER!!!" "kb, i can't live without christmas; i have this disease, you see, that requires me to be injected with 1225ccs of christmas cheer every year" "you know that my bloodline can only die on thursday!!! you have positively doomed me to fear for my life every day instead of just once a week!!!" "but-" "leave my sight, prince jakeyzekiel of canada, and prepare for a war" "A WAR?! DURING THE YULETIDE SEASON?!" "yes, it must be done" "you do realise that people are satistically more likely to die in a war, right?" "..." "..." "FUCK" King Bran rubs his temples. "fine, we won't have a war" "thank god" "i will instead just sulk" "good plan; i'll try to do something about this thursday thing, right after i meander around a bit" "oh fine, don't let my potential death get between you and your meandering" "thanks, you're a true friend" Jakey leaves to tend to his meandering, meandering himself straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Timera missions]

December 002: A Special Present [King Bran]
"hey kb" "why did you meander back here?" "i really like your decorations" "oh thanks" "also i forgot to warn you: you also might not like what i told lilith to do" "oh god" Just then, Lilith storms into the castle. "my ears are burning" "they are literally on fire" "oh, so they are" Lilith pats out her on fire. "listen, kb, i had this sweet plan on how to finally launch that coup against hell or maybe olympus, and i need a nice christmas present from you to do so" "do i even want to know?" "that sword over there on the wall, that's excalibur, right?" "yeah?" "and you're just letting it sit there?! it needs a workout, and i'm definitely the girl to do it" "i don't want to give it to you; i have grown accustomed to seeing it there; partial to it, even" "you know, in this scary new world of entirely thursdays, that sharp blade could fall off the wall and bounce straight into your throat!!!" "..." "..." "merry christmas lilith; take it away right now even" "you sure?" "oh yes; merry christmas" "thanks kb; merry christmas!!!" Lilith takes Excalibur from its plaque and skips out of the castle. "i can't wait to find out what you told eleatrice to do" "oh don't worry; that one probably won't affect you" "i hope not" Michelle walks up and looks for Excalibur, which she was planning to use to spread some butter on her toast. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions/Eleatrice missions]

December 003: You Couldn't Have Done a Worse Thing to Me [Timera]
"hey timera can we talk-" "HEY JAKEY!!! just the guy i wanted to see; hey, can you guard my bath?" "well-" "GREAT!!! now you guard my bath while i sing a jolly tune, and don't come in unless i yell 'DISODIUM INOSINATE'" Timera saunters off to the bath with her rubby ducker, and begins to sing her jolly tune. "♫the mood is up; the spirit's up♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Ortence walks in. "jakey, are you guarding the bath of alabama's public enemy number two?!" "i was forced into it, and also: public enemy number two?" "public enemy number one is thursday itself" "fair" "♫SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME♫" "so why are you here ortence" "as kb's court wizard, he has instructed me to find a cure for the disease which plagues the timestream" "you know that if she thinks it would be funny, timera could just disrupt your personal timestream and disappear you off to february 30th, right?" "there's no such-" Ortence's eyes widen. "i'll uh search somewhere else" "smart" Soon, Timera exits the bath, feeling refreshed, and speeds up Michelle's personal timestream before Jakey can get a word in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ortence missions]

December 004: If You'da Taken an Arrow and Run It Right Through Me [Timera]
"hey timera-" "jakey, check it out!!! victorrhea has been cured of her timinchinitis!!!" "oh um-" "JAKEY!!! IT'S SO WONDERFUL!!! I CAN HOP!!!" Victorrhea hops and hops until she falls on her butt. "i'm happy for you, but-" "i wrote a letter to santa saying that all i want for christmas is for this glorious chain of thursdays to never end!!!" "well, that cancels out king bran's letter" "good; he is a selfish man for denying us terminally ill the opportunity to have a good, thursday-filled life" "vic, don't make this a difficult decision i have to make" "wait, were you planning on ending the infinite thursdays?!" "um, yes? kb is my bro" "i can't believe you; the best thing that ever happened to me, and you want to end it" "king bran lives in fear every day of death" "JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!! 'boohoo i'm mortal and might die any day now'" "but-" "don't fuck this up for me, prince jakeyzekiel of canada" Victorrhea skips off in a huff. "i wasn't aware you could skip off in a huff" Michelle skips on in a huff. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 005: The Season of Giving [Lilith]
"hey jakey i just learned of the location of the legendary sword mystletainn" "which one of my acquaintences has it" "that one-eyed girl" "valerie?" "no, the other one, with the gun" "oh, her" Lilith teleports herself and Jakey to Sophia's apartment, where Sophia is rigourously decking the halls with boughs of holly, as is tradition. "hey soph, is that the legendary sword mystletainn over there?" "what? over where?" "that big sword on the counter" "that's not a sword, it's the knife i use to spread peanut butter" "uh-" "you're trying to trick me into giving it to you by telling me it's something dumb that i don't want, but i see through your lies and chicanery; you just want the perfect peanut butter spread that only my special knife can give you" Lilith just stares at Sophia in silence. "unable to come up with a retort? begone with you, vile demoness; tis the season to be jolly, and you are interrupting my jolly" "psst, jakey; are you sure this isn't just a really big, pale goblin" "you know, i wonder myself sometimes" Lilith initiates plan B, and runs over, grabs the sword, and teleports away before Sophia can shoot her. "oh dammit; now i'll have to go back to spreading peanut butter with my hands" "you could always buy another knife" "it's just not the same" Sophia's halls remain half-decked as she sulks, the Christmas cheer having vanished from her. Michelle walks up and delivers a box full of boughs of holly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

December 006: By the Book [Lilith]
"jakey i've found the next legendary sword" "who's got it" "unimportant" "always" Lilith teleports herself and Jakey to Unimportant's apartment, where Unimportant is jingling some bells. "hey miss unimportant; say, is that the legendary sword balmung?" "yes indeed" "can i have it? as a christmas gift?" "i'd love to, since it is the season of giving, but my horoscope that told me to unearth this legendary blade told me to only give it to the SECOND person who asked me for it" "oh; fair enough" Lilith nudges Jakey. "um hey unimportant can i have the sword" "oh sure here you go" "thanks" "i'd also unearthed the legendary hammer mjolnir but it was confiscated by the government" "what why" "it failed inspection due to its handle being too short" "surely legendary weapons are exempted from the regulations" "not according to miss ruth, no" "so are you going to want to grab that one, lilith?" "nah hammers are lame; real weapons have blades or shoot bullets" "fair enough; merry christmas lilith" Jakey hands Lilith Balmung. "thanks jakey; it's just what i wanted this yuletide season" Lilith teleports away. "so uh nice bells" "i know right? i've been jingling them all the way" "nice" Michelle rides in on her one-horse open sleigh. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 007: Best-Laid Plans [Lilith]
"okay jakey now that i have four legendary swords-" "four?" "yeah i found caladbolg between the couch cushions" "ah" "now that i have four legendary swords, i have decided to give them to my army to see how it works out" "smart; why bother hunting down tyrfing if the first four don't work out?" "oh i found tyrfing at a pawn shop; the guy with the gum said he'd trade it for a yule log but i don't want to waste a perfectly good yule log" "i wouldn't either" Lilith hands Excalibur to Gobigail, Caladbolg to Gobriella, Balmung to Gobrina, and Mystletainn to Gobitha. "pip pip i say old bean this legendary blade tastes of peanut butter wot wot" Lilith smacks her face with her hand. "at least she's licking the flat of the blade rather than the edge" "pip pip one of my first mistakes as a glossologist was to lick the sharpened edge of a woodsman's axe; i surely learned a valuable lesson from that sticky wicket eh wot" "ANYWAY, practice your swordsmanship, goblins" "how can we practice our shipman if there's no water here" "are we going to the beach" Lilith smacks her face with both hands. "at least you still have that yule log" "at least there's that, yes" Lilith takes back the swords and throws them in the closet, maybe to be seen again. Michelle appears wielding Tyrfing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 008: The New Classic [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice how's work coming along" "you made writing the next christmas classic song sound so easy" "the greatest christmas song in history is just 'merry christmas' in spanish over and over, then in english" "yeah, i know, but i asked hayden to read over my song, joyeux noël, and she just asked 'who's noel'" "you know, i've always wondered that myself" "here's what i've got: ♫joyeux noël, joyeux noël; you know full well we'll have a joyeux noël♫" "are you sure 'joyeux' is pronounced 'joy-ucks'?" "well how the hell else would it be pronounced" "maybe the 'oy' is silent and it's just 'jucks'" "well shucks, that 'jucks' throws off the meter of the song" "maybe understanding the foreign language would be an asset to writing a song in it" "i'll just write another song about jingling bells" "yes, the long-awaited third installment of the jingle bell trilogy" Michelle walks up, eagerly jingling some bells. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 009: The Old Classic [Eleatrice]
"jakey, if i want to create the new classic, i must first embody the old classic" "makes sense" "to that end, i will sing a jingly tune in the bath; guard it for me, and please only come in if i yell 'TORULA YEAST'" "on it" Eleatrice turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock; jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a disgruntled Scarlett hops up the stairs. "jakey, is it true? is eleatrice writing a third jingle bells song?" "yes" "♫WHAT A BRIGHT TIME; IT'S THE RIGHT TIME TO ROCK THE NIGHT AWAY♫" "that is unfortunate; i must petition her to write a sequel to the superior christmas song, silver bells" "s-SILVER BELLS?!" "yes; i was unable to sing it back when i was a werewolf, but now it is all i want to sing this season" "it will pass, and you will stop being wrong eventually" "have you ever considered that you are the one who is wrong?" "yes, but then i dismissed the idea as foolish" Scarlett storms off as Eleatrice exits the bath. Michelle walks up and jingles some more bells. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

December 010: The Yuletide Abides [Ortence]
"hey ortence have you figured out how to stop it from being thursday yet" "well i am currently working on a spell that will do just that, but not in the way you might want" "huh?" "after studying timera's magickal spell, i have determined that it would be far simpler to change the day to be permanently some other day rather than to restore the seven-day week; so i asked kb if that's okay with him, and he said that whatever gets him out of this nightmare of constant thursdays is fine by him" "makes sense" "now if you will excuse me, i need to get out the proper reagents and-OH NO!!!" "what?!" "someone ate my last chunk of fruitcake!!!" "is that for the spell, or-" "jakey, everyone knows that christmas-based spell reagents are extremely potent in december; i can't imagine casting a spell in december without some fruitcake or at least a yule log" "well uh i've got some myrrh" "you have myrrh?! every store was sold out!!!" "yeah i like to line my pockets with it in december" "may i please have some myrrh so i can end this nightmare" "go ahead" Jakey digs into his pockets, and pulls out fistfuls of myrrh. "have you got any frankincense" "no, that's more of a michelle thing" Right on cue, Michelle arrives and hands Ortence fistfuls of frankincense. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Timera missions]

December 011: The Gift of Giving [Sophia]
"hey soph how's the season going" "well i've been trying to get my best friend in the world, mr shooty, a good christmas present; he always gets me the best things, and i want the same for him, but, really, now: what do you get the friend who has everything?" "bullets?" "i bought him those last year and he never used them" "oh" "maybe he'd like a puppy" "guns and puppies historically don't get along too well" "oh shame" Sophia stops to think for a moment. "maybe i'll come up with a good idea in the bath; could you guard my bubbled bath until i yell 'SODIUM ERYTHORBATE'" "yes ma'am" Sophia turns and grabs her rubber orca and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫feliz navidad, feliz navidad, feliz navidad; prospero año y felicidad♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Ilona, the demoness of moneylending, ambles up the stairs. "hey kid; i hear that this girl here wants a good present for her friend" "do you have any ideas?" "well everyone loves money; just borrow some from the adventures in debenture moneylender, and she'll have plenty to give to her friend" "♫I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART♫" "usually, people turn the money into a less-useful card that can only be spent at a specific business" "oh, i hear you; i've got gift cards as well" Ilona holds out an empty Adventures in Debenture gift card. "what's this text here? 'not usable to pay back a loan'? what the hell is it for then?" "the gift shop" "i didn't know you had a gift shop" "where else would you get a t-shirt that says 'i got my legs broken at adventures in debenture, and all i got was this stupid t-shirt'? or the COVETED ilona plushie?!" "wait, you have a plushie of yourself?" "hardly; i can't keep them on the shelves" "now i kind of want one" "i'll put you on the waiting list" "hey thanks" Sophia exits the bath, and Ilona sleazily wraps her arm around her. "hey kid; have i got a gift idea for you" Ilona and Sophia walk off while Michelle walks on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions]

December 012: Ring the Bells [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫silver bells, silver bells; it's christmas time in the city♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Mavis Forge totters up the stairs. "uh hey jakey how's life" "it's good; didn't expect to see you around" "yeah, you know; it's the yuletide season, and i've got to um collect alms for the poor" "oh here you go" Jakey pops some alms into Mavis's cup. "hey what do you say we get out of here and have some fun" "i'd love to mavis, but my duty as a bath guard comes first, second, third, and even fiftieth" "oh she'll be fine" "RIBOFLAVIN RIBOFLAVIN" "dammit" Jakey kicks down the door, and sees Jessica Falco and Lizzy Mamba holding a gagged Scarlett at gunpoint. "she's an angel; she can't die by gunshot" "it will still hurt like the dickens and get our point across" "which is?" "WE ARE THE JINGLE BELL CARTEL!!!" "WE SHALL SUFFER NO OTHER BELLS!!!" "did icelia put you up to this?" "it is her organisation, but we joined of our own free will" "oh, great" "now scarlett!!! we will remove the gag, and then you shall admit that jingle bells are superior to silver bells!!!" Lizzy removes the gag. "never" Jessica pops a cap into Scarlett's kneecaps. "ow that does hurt like the dickens" "we will have to take you to our hideout in order to get a video confession of you admitting jingle bells' superiority" The three band members/muses abscond out the window with Scarlett. Michelle absconds into the window. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions]

December 013: A Fine, Fine Day [Timera]
"oh jakey how are you this fine thursday" "same as i was on yesterday's thursday" "that one was good too" "so after thirteen thursdays in a row, can we have a friday? to mix it up?" "nah i'm still high on this thursday business" "timera, if i stab you to death with my demoness-stabbing knife, will that fix the timestream?" "i don't know, maybe" "so it's worth a shot, then?" Just then, a loud screeching is heard. "YOUR TRANSPORTATION HAS ARRIVED SIR!!!" Busara, the demoness of public transportation, runs in and shoves Jakey into her bus. "i didn't order a bus" "well someone ordered a bus on your behalf and it would be downright rude to refuse; not to mention disrespectful to me and my time and all the people who were inconvenienced by the bus not running as usual on a thursday" "fine; where are we going" "i was told to drive you around all day with no particular destination in mind" "joy" Busara drives Jakey around all day aimlessly, then drops him off at a random street corner in the middle of nowhere, where Michelle is waiting. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions]

December 014: Christmas Gifts for the Whole Family [Ilona]
"hey ilona nice gift shop" "it is, isn't it? we just got in the new borrower action figure" "what action does it do" "you can break its legs, and they will automatically heal back up after a few months" "neat" "there's also a more expensive version with a voicebox that uses real recorded screams of agony from borrowers whose legs were broken" "fun for the whole family" "i know right? we also sell bumper stickers" "'i got my legs broken at adventures in debenture'" "you'll soon be seeing these on many, many cars; i even got busara to buy one and put it on her bus over her old bumper sticker" "what did her old one say" "'i slipped and fell into the lion pit at alabama national zoo'" "i didn't know they sold bumper stickers like that" "they have one for every animal enclosure, as any self-respecting zoo should" "yeah, nothing quite sums up the experiences of your life better than a bumper sticker" "word" Michelle walks up and slaps a bumper sticker onto Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 015: The New Old-Fashioned Way [Icelia]
"hey icelia; so, jingle bells?" "yes, jingle bells; icelia knows that jingling bells are superior to ones made of silver, and icelia will not have this angelic harlot deny these clear facts" "so what are you doing to make her acquiesce to your facts" "simple; icelia is waterboarding her" Jakey looks over to see a large ice block slowly melting, dripping onto Scarlett's face. "may i speak with the prisoner" "sure, sure; but do not even think of releasing her" "never crossed my mind" Jakey walks over to Scarlett. "hey scarlett how's the torture" "if you could put some bubbly soap on the ice block, i could just treat it like an exotic bubblebath" "oh smart; you're already naked and all" "thank god for this fig leaf icelia gave me" Jakey places a container of bubbly soap onto the ice block upsidedown, causing the water drips to bubble. "perfect; now guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "on it" Scarlett imagines her rubber ducky as she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫rockin' around the christmas tree at the christmas party hop♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Icelia storms up. "jakey what is the meaning of this" "it's the christmastime; she is singing a christmas song" "well yes, but she is not supposed to be enjoying icelia's torture" "♫YOU WILL GET THAT SENTIMENTAL FEELING WHEN YOU HEAR VOICES SINGING 'LET'S BE JOLLY; DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY'♫" "well at least it's not silver bells" "yes, there is that" Soon, Scarlett's song finishes. "i'm finished; i can't leave the bath because of the chains, but you are dismissed jakey" "sweet" Jakey retrieves the bubbly soap from atop the ice block, and takes his leave, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 016: The Original Classic [Icelia]
"jakey, icelia must show this scarlett the error of her ways by example; please guard icelia's bath as icelia sings the greatest christmas song in the history of christmas or songs, and only come in if icelia yells 'PROPYLENE GLYCOL MONOSTEARATE'" "you can count on me" Icelia turns and grabs her rubber ducky, and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing the jolliest tune. "♫dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Scarlett attempts to chew through her bonds. "such a tacky tune" "it's a classic, you absolute uncultured boor" "♫JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS; JINGLE ALL THE WAY♫" "silver bells is a classic; jingle bells is a mistake" "you can't possibly mean that" "you're right i don't but silver bells is still better" "you can't possibly mean that either" "if it weren't frowned upon by the jolly tune accords of 1986, i would be drowning out icelia's song with a rousing rendition of silver bells" Icelia exits the bath, fully clothed in her trademark dress. "did the prisoner admit she is wrong" "no; she doubled down" "then icelia shall have to double down on the torture" Icelia nods toward Mavis, who sets up the automatic poking machine. "this machine shall poke you in the ribs at no particular rhythm until you admit you are wrong" "you monster" "adieu" Icelia bows, and leaves the chamber. Michelle bows, and enters the chamber. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 017: Demonic Torture [Icelia]
"icelia? how's scarlett holding up" "she is delirious and ready to crack at any moment; observe" Icelia turns on the one-way mirror to reveal a drenched and sore Scarlett. Her left side is red from all the poking. "SILVER BELLS!!! SILVER BELLS!!! IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!!! IN THE CITY!!!" "she seems adamant" "just watch" "WHEN THE LIGHTS!!! GO DOWN!!! IN THE CITY!!! WHEN THE SUN!!! SHINES ON!!! THE BAY!!! OH I WANT TO BE THE-E-E-RE!!! IN MY CITY!!! OH OH OH!!! OH OH OH!!!" "okay she's not doing too hot" "she is ready to crack!!! all she has to do is wave the white flag icelia has provided her and signal to icelia that, once and for all and as always, icelia is completely right" "she really needs to just admit that she's wrong already; this torture is just not good for the bones" "LEFT A GOOD JOB IN THE CITY!!! WORKING FOR THE MAN EVERY NIGHT AND DAY!!! AND I NEVER LOST!!! ONE MINUTE OF SLEEPIN!!! WORRYIN BOUT THE WAY THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN!!!" "poor girl" "jakey, how does it feel to be wrong? icelia does not know this feeling, but based on emperical evidence, icelia assumes that it must instill pride" "pride, then embarrassment when you finally realise how wrong you truly are" "icelia hopes icelia never has to be wrong" "i don't recommend it" "HOT TOWN!!! SUMMER IN THE CITY!!! BACK OF MY NECK GETTIN DIRTY AND GRITTY!!!" "what's your plan if christmas passes and she doesn't admit she's wrong" "icelia will release her in january, then capture her again next december" "smart" Michelle walks up. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 018: Hand Over Fist [Busara]
"hey kid i've got a question for you: how come every year people fork over loads and loads of cash in order to look at multicolour lights every year" "it's uh festive and tis the season and all that" "so it's obligation then?" "i suppose that's part of it" "that explains why the lightshow i set up last august had zero turnout" "you can't expect people to be in the mood for the yules in the summer" "i suppose not" "so are the christmas-themed buses the only ones running these days" "no, since it's permanently thursday, all thursday-related buses have to run, and we can't forget about the tours of stars' homes" "what kind of stars" "well the girl in the tub has gone missing so i mostly just go to that orcish dj's place of residence, then we go to the twilit forest and i pretend that sabrina sable is a celebrity and not the most boring person alive" "fonts aren't boring" "i suppose you also enjoy watching paint dry?" "more than i enjoy watching a christmas lightshow in august" "fair" Michelle disembarks the bus. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Nilla Waphyr missions/Sabrina Sable missions]

December 019: Let There Be [Nilla Waphyr]
Jakey attempts to go see DJ Nilla Waphyr at her post in the Radiant Forest, but he is simply blinded at the door to the club. "my eyes are burning" "OH NO" The owner of the Radiant Forest club, Lianne Bosque, rushes up to Jakey and slaps a pair of sunglasses on him. "sorry about that; you humans can't process our light elven christmas displays" "and you can? my retinas feel like they're sunburned" "notice how our pupils are pure white? light elves can stare at the sun indefinitely and suffer no ill effects" "so you don't have to worry about the sun getting in your eyes?" "not at all; we do, however, have to worry about it getting too dark because we are useless in low-light conditions" "makes sense; how's oslynn holding up" "oh, she's an orc; she's just fine" "what about her orcish physiology makes that true" "see how her pupils are multiple diagonal lines? that prevents too much light from entering, and also prevents too much darkness from affecting them as well" "fair enough; can we head in now? the lights out here are giving me a migraine" "uh i wouldn't if i were you; it's forty times brighter inside than out" "oh" "i can get oslynn to come out and say hi if you'd like" "can we set an apointment for that tomorrow? i need to go lie down" "oh sure definitely" Jakey stumbles off into the darkness, his pupils so deep in miosis that he can't see even in regular light. He bumps straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 020: Web of Wubs [Nilla Waphyr]
Jakey walks backwards toward the Radiant Forest, not wanting to lay eyes on it. He backs straight into Oslynn. "um hello" "oh hi can you stand on the other side of me please" "oh sure sure; lianne told me all about your weak little human eyes" "goes with our weak little human bodies" "true" "so what kind of christmas beats are you dropping these days" "due to our predicament of endless thursdays lately, i have done a mashup of the king bran's many songs about hating thursdays with the twelve days of christmas" "called the twelve thursdays of christmas" "that's way better than my name for it" "what other name could you possibly have had for it" "the twelve days of christmas that are all thursdays" "rough" "regardless, in this song, poor kb is attacked by a partridge, pounced upon by lords a-leaping, and even assaulted by the maids a-milking" "he does tend to make enemies of maids" "but by the end of the song, he receives 45 golden rings, so it's not all bad" "especially with the price of gold these days" "i am also working on a song where rudolph the red-nosed reindeer gets killed by his peers and santa buys proper headlights" "good, i always hated that idiot" "it's not that his nose is red; it's that it makes that horrible noise every time it glows" "exactly" "it ends with the line 'rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down six feet deep'" "oh good one" Michelle walks up with a red nose due to heavy drinking, but her nose remains silent. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

December 021: Distilled Christmas Spirit [Sabrina Sable]
"jakey good; i must explain my triumph to you" "did that restaurant down the street finally print menus not in comic sans" "no unfortunately, but check this out: i have created the ultimate christmas font; christmas cheer oozes, positively OOZES, from each and every letter" "my mouth feels like i just ate a yule log and i can hear jingling bells that are, indeed, jingling all the way" "it simply does not get more christmassy than this; soon, even santa claus himself will be writing his list in this font" "maybe not a great idea" "why not?" "i am feeling such bold christmas cheer that i simply cannot feel ill of anyone at the moment; if santa wrote his list in this font, no kids would be on the naughty list" "so you're saying i went too far" "perhaps a bit" "is the world not ready for this level of christmas cheer?" "let me put it this way: this font could make king bran fond of thursdays" "i will have to lock this away then; my greatest triumph is also my greatest failure" Sabrina locks her new font in her safe, alongside her failed "double serif" experiment. "maybe you could make the ultimate thanksgiving font" "that would just make everyone hungry" "the ultimate st. patrick's day font?" "everyone would be drunk just by looking at it; snakes would go extinct" "no downside then" "i'll set to work" Sabrina gets to work on her next triumph, as does Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 022: Distilled St. Patrick's Spirit [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina i got your message; what's this about" "so you remember my quest to perfect a st. patrick's day font? well uh you know the demoness of snakes, echidna? she threatened to have me eaten by a big snake if i continued" "and you're going to kowtow to her demands?!" "listen, i like to think i have integrity, but i don't have THAT much integrity" "can i see what you had completed before you tuck it away forever?" "fine fine" Sabrina holds out her preliminary font sheet, which only goes from A to F. Jakey immediately gets drunk off the fumes. "you know what i hate about that echidna? she'sh not even the demonessh of shnakesh!!! she'sh really the demonessh of poishon, but jezzhie tricked her into thinking she'sh the demonessh of shnakesh inshtead!!! now she inshishtsh that SHNAKESH of all thingsh are a foundational element of the univershe!!! what a loon" "please note to whomever may be listening that i do not condone or sponsor the statements provided by this man" "pusshy" Jakey stumbles off, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions/Jezzie missions]

December 023: A Spell Reversed [King Bran]
"kb how's the spell-reversal coming" "why, did you not turn up anything on your front?" "the people i talked to have no idea how to fix the current predicament" "and who did you talk to?" "sabrina sable" "the font girl? were you even trying to help?!" "i was hoping that by doing nothing, the problem would solve itself" "any other month, i'd have had this done already, but jean is needed elsewhere" "what's she up to" "you know how the radiant forest has that wild christmas lightshow?" "yeah" "well alabama can't be outdone, so ours is even brighter" "makes me glad i teleported in then" "yeah well everyone who looks directly at the castle, or even in the general direction of the castle, has gone blind" "oh dear" "so jean's out there fixing everyone's vision with her genie magic" "smart" "she's helping, unlike mr meander over here" "i do what i can" "which is nothing" "correct" "whatever" King Bran rings his bell, which summons Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 024: Tomorrow Is Tuesday [King Bran]
"jakey good; now you get to witness my triumph over the evils of thursday" "so what day did ortence decide to make it be until further notice" "a nice tuesday" "good choice; love tuesdays" Ortence finishes drawing her magical circle. "is that a pentagram" "no, it's a quadrogram; there are four points on the star" "fair enough" Ortence begins casting her magicks when Victorrhea bursts through the door. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "ending this curse forever" "i won't allow it; my life has never been better since thursdays became the only days!!! my timinchinitis is cured due to the power of thursday!!!" "go away, peasant; the king decrees that never again shall it be thursday" "I REFUSE TO ALLOW THIS!!!" Victorrhea leaps forth, having practiced her leaping all month. "that is one long leap" "i am now the world-record long jump champion!!! the endless thursdays allowed me to unlock my full potential, for it is my DESTINY TO DISRUPT YOUR SPELL!!!" Jakey and King Bran attempt to subdue Victorrhea, but her leaping ability allows her to leap out of danger. Victorrhea leaps into the quadrogram as Ortence finishes her incantation. "NOW I WILL END THIS!!! TOMORROW WILL BE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! A MERRY THURSDAY!!!" Victorrhea touches the Christmas crystal, and instantly disappears. "um" "did it work?" "check the calendar" King Bran flips to the next page of his calendar, which states that tomorrow is Tuesday, Christmas. "you did it ortence!!!" "oh yeah i did didn't i" "how about as a treat you take the next week off" "oh thanks" Ortence salutes and teleports off, only returning due to her lab having an infestation of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: A Partridge in a Pear Tree [King Bran]
"hey kb merry christmas" "merry christmas to you as well; i got you a present in spite of your meandering ways" "what can i say? i am a firm believer that things are more likely to go right if i do nothing" "that um may be true" King Bran hands Jakey his present, and Jakey hands one to King Bran. They both open theirs at the same time. "oh boy an ilona plushie" "oh boy also an ilona plushie" "it's just what i always wanted since december 011 when i learned it existed" "so all in all a successful christmas" "indeed; see you again next year" "ciao" Jakey takes his leave, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions]