A Yuletide Thing (2024 - December)

Mission 001: A Matter of Life and Death [King Bran]
"i have never before in my life been more excited for december" "indeed" "so tell me kb who's on tap for this month" "the demoness of fire, lilith" "we went to high school with a lilith" "she was the goth chick right?" "yeah but she's normal now" "i find that hard to believe" "hey here she is now" "hello" "hey lilith how's life been treating you" "oh know know, same old same old" "cool, have you come to meet the demoness you're presumably named after" "lol" "huh?" "lmao, even" "what?" Before the royals' very eyes, Lilith transforms from a normal woman in her early 30s to a flying demoness. "oh nice wings" "YOU FOOLS!!! you suspected NOTHING and yet i was able to flawlessly inflitrate your social circle!!! little did you know that your good friend lilith was actually LILITH!!! THE DEMONESS OF FIRE!!! my machinations laid undetected for YEARS!!!" Lilith begins to cackle. "'good friend' is pushing it; i haven't seen you in years" "yeah and even that girl who was imprisoned in america as a terrorist and has no discernable personality traits shows up way more frequently than you" "do you know how hard it is to balance a faux-human life with the life of an international superstar demoness?" "you were also kind of overcompensating with that name; 'lilith sierra raven o'darkenheim'? two middle names? really?" "okay, okay; yuk it up; we will see who is yukking when i am named queen of hell; after all, she who yuks last yuks best" "that saying does not work well when you substitute 'laugh' for 'yuk'" Michelle walks in and proceeds to yuk it up. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 002: Home Sweet Home [Lilith]
"how good of you to drop by the wicked chateau jakey' "i thought i'd see how you were settling in" "i'll be honest: it was a bit rough; some rooms were completely flooded" "yeah, gremory was certainly eccentric" "never liked that woman" "you're preaching to the choir" "and the staff here is just ridiculous; a braindead zombie as head of personnel, a ghost tending the grounds, and the laziest demoness in history as my personal assistant? i asked for a coffee an hour ago and haven't seen stacy since" "i saw her on my way in; she was sleeping in a cabinet" "excuse me while i make some executive changes" Lilith immolates Thombus, the head of personnel. "WHAT THE FUCK LIL?! HE HAD TENURE!!!" "well now he's got a nice eternal rest; HAYDEN" Hayden zips into the room. "yes ma'am" "you're promoted to thombus's position" "with all due respect, how am i supposed to man the books while incorporeal?" Lilith immolates Thombus's desk, turning it into a ghost desk. "oh boy i won't let you down miss lilith" "find me an assistant who can make me a coffee without falling asleep in it" "RIGHT AWAY MA'AM!!!" Hayden gets to work at her desk, happy to finally be able to interact with the station she's assigned to. Michelle walks in and puts a coffee on Lilith's desk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: Darkness, Imprisoning Me [Lilith]
"so how's the hiring going" "oh hayden is a treasure; she's found me a dark elf necromancer who can whip up zombies who actually do work around here UNLIKE SOMEONE I COULD MENTION" Lilith immolates Thombus's carcass. "anima get in here" Anima teleports in using her dark arts. "hello" "hello" "great now you're acquainted; anima, tell the prince here about your zombie workout regimen" "OH yeah it's awesome; whenever i raise a zombie, i make sure only to feed it the brain gluten, because everyone knows the gluten is the healthiest part of any food" "of course" "then i put them on the treadmill so their ligaments don't fall into disrepair like poor thombus here" Anima motions to Thombus's burning corpse. "poor thombus" "then i put a pair of wireless headphones on them that plays a tape which tells them to work hard for the money; so hard for it, honey" "and that with the money, they can exchange it for brains rather than stealing them from everyone else" "exactly; i turn these horrible, shambling monsters into respectable undead who work for a fraction of the salary a wight gets" "if only you'd been here for poor thombus" "yeah r.i.p." Michelle walks up and salutes Thombus's burning, rotting flesh. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Here It Goes Again [Lilith]
"oh jakey, unimportant here was just telling me of the power of the stars on our lives" "yeah, she does like to do that" "for example, i am an aries, and i need to surround myself with libras; i know this to be true because anima is a libra and hayden is a fellow aries and we all get along great" "makes sense to me" "so unimportant has given me a copy of her rolodex to find more libras" "how many of those do you have?" "at least eight" "figures" "the least compatible sign for aries is taurus, which i know to be true because thombus was a taurus" Lilith gestures toward Thombus's smoldering corpse. "i'm also a taurus" "yeah i know which is why i've been subtly corrupting you all these years; soon, your taurusly ways will be replaced!!! replaced with the ways of the aries!!!" Lilith cackles as Unimportant whispers into her ear. "uh scratch that last bit" "will do" Michelle walks in and plants the Taurus flag proudly in the center of the Wicked Chateau. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Venting Frustrations [Lilith]
"oh jakey just the man i wanted to be nearby so i can do this" Lilith knocks on the vents above. "no response? fine then, have it your way" Lilith launches a fireball at the vents, forcing Grace to come out so as to avoid being burned. "hey there miss jakey's bodyguard; i hear you're a libra" "i don't pay much attention" "well regardless, i just want you to be my friend" "really" "yes, it's important to me that i befriend every libra in this rolodex" "will you stop throwing fireballs at me if i say yes" "i wasn't expecting a negociation" "well i wasn't expecting to have a fireball thrown at me" "fair enough; i accept your terms" "great" "let's wrap up the deal with a friendly handshake" Lilith extends her hand. Grace hesitates, but reciprocates the handshake. Michelle attempts to get in on the handshaking action, but is unable to squeeze her hand between the two women's. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: A Terrifying Twosome [Lilith]
"jakey someone's been stealing my wifi" "how awful" "come with me and watch as i deal with this nuissance" Lilith and Jakey march up to the roof, where two harpies are watching videos on their laptop. "like oh my god it's like the queen of hell" "like hello" "you harpies are stealing my wifi" "like that's totally wrong and stuff; stealing like implies that if i like take it, you won't like still have it" "and like you can totally still like use your wifi and stuff" "this is like totally more like leeching" "i don't care what you two call it; desist your activities at once or i will launch a fireball in your general direction" "oh i'm like so scared" "like it's not like harpies like resist fire or anything" "totally" Lilith launches a fireball. The harpies are unfazed. "like are you an aries? you like totally seem like an aries" "harlow's totally a libra you two should go get like brunch or something?" "DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?!" Lilith hurls fireball after fireball, but the harpies are completely resistant. "maybe next time you could like bring an ice demoness and stuff to like actually hit our weakness?" "totally" "JAKEY HIT THEM WITH YOUR ICE POWERS!!!" "what?" "YOU'RE CANADIAN!!! USE YOUR ICE POWERS!!!" "alabama's the one with the ice affinity; canada has an electric affinity" "that makes no sense; canada is the one where it snows all the time" Jakey shrugs as Lilith storms off, upset at being rendered impotent against these harpies. "hey like jakey come like check out this video and stuff" Jakey totally checks out the video and stuff, which is of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: Stones, the Natural Predator of Birds [Lilith]
"jakey i am absolutely livid after my encounter with those harpies" "i'll bet" "also: i need a celebrity endorsement for my campaign, so i am going to attempt to murder two birds with a single stone and impress the girl in the tub with my own bubbled bath in this abandoned building conveniently right across the street" "you do need a bath" "i'll choose to interpret that as i need a stress relief, not that i smell bad" "it can be both things" Lilith glares at Jakey. "guard my damn bath and only come in if i yell 'BLUE 2 LAKE'" "got it boss" Lilith grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath, whereupon she begins to belt out a jolly tune. "♫the sky is red, i don't understand; past midnight, i still see the land♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Sabrina Sable comes marching up the stairs. "jakey i have to see lilith; i've made that campaign sign for her like she'd commissioned me to" "she's in the bath" "oh good; she was really starting to smell" "♫ALL I HEAR!!! IS BU-U-U-URN!!!♫" Jakey and Sabrina wait for Lilith's bath to end, then Sabrina shows Lilith the sign she'd made. "it's in a beautiful segoe ui semibold" "SEMIbold?! i'm FULL BOLD!!!" "too bold a sign will drive away voters" "i don't go halfway on anything!!! THE BOLDER THE BETTER, I SAY!!!" "uh-" "use segoe ui DOUBLEBOLD!!!" "th-there's no such font" "then create it" "i-i can't even imagine what bringing a double-bold into this world would do to the delicate balance of the font community!!! it's, it's immoral!!!" "i'm a demoness running for queen of hell; immoral comes with the territory" Lilith flicks her wet hair, soaking Sabrina's sign. "i'm scared jakey" "me too" Michelle walks up and whips Jakey with a wet towel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Put Your Best Font Forward [Lilith]
"so did scarlett ever get back to you" "yes, she sent me this letter she wrote in segoe ui semibold" "odd choice for personal correspondence, but i can dig it" "it's pathetic and i can't believe she agreed to endorse echidna before even meeting any other candidates" "if you wait around for perfection, you may miss its reveal" "okay confucius, any other words of 'wisdom' for me?" "confucius say man who shoot off mouth must prepare to lose face" "riveting" Just then, Sabrina enters the room. "i've finished your new sign" "let me see" Lilith looks the sign up and down. "THIS IS ONLY ONE-AND-A-HALF BOLDS!!!" "eep" "you're holding out on me sabs" "i can't do doublebold can't you see?! it's immoral and i'm very moral!!!" "then why did you agree to make signs for a demoness?" "you asked me while you were still incognito as not a demoness!!!" "oh right" "in fact, i'm going to sue you for falsely representing yourself" "ha i'd like to see you try; you don't even know any lawyers" "eep" Sabrina begins to sweat. "uh jakey do you know any lawyers" "yes actually; here's my lawyer's card" "thanks i owe you one" "and a half" The room erupts into canned laughter. Michelle swings open the door with force and slides into the room. "hey" More canned laughter is heard. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: A Case for the Ages [Lilith]
"dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to hear the trial of sable vs lilith; my name is ruth barlow, i'm going to inspect both of your cases and pass judgement after my inspection" Ruth bangs her gavel. "plaintiff; your opening statement" "thank you inspector" Natalie bangs her papers on the desk. "ahem" Natalie bangs her papers on the desk some more. "my client is here suing for damages caused by the defendant's blatant and unlawful misrepresentation of herself when requesting the services of my client; the demoness lilith posed her request as a normal human woman named lilith raven sierra o'darkenheim, and signed her name such on this contract for work ordered" Natalie presents the contract to the court with a forceful "TAKE THAT". "thank you, miss belrose; defense, your statement?" Lilith's lawyer, Stacy, is asleep at the defense's bench. Lilith stands up to give her own opening statement. "people of the court, i refute all of the plaintiff's claims; my name is signed right there as 'lilith', my only name; what you see after that is simply a flourish to add to my signature; it means nothing" "OBJECTION" "overruled" "did the plaintiff think i was a regular human? it doesn't matter; i never once said i was, and any inkling to the contrary is simply an assumption and not admissable as evidence" "do you have any rebuttal to this, plaintiff?" "the defense would like to cross-examine the defendant" "by all means" Lilith takes her seat as Natalie paces back and forth. "miss lilith, your opening statement was a lie, wasn't it?" "no" "curses that usually works" Natalie begins to sweat. "miss lilith, your opening statement: was it not a non-falsehood you didn't tell in order to not deceive the plaintiff in order to not receive work for which you did not want her not to know the true origin that it was not of?" "um" Lilith begins to sweat. "yes?" The gallery gasps as Natalie smirks and dusts off her hands. "the defense rests" "in light of the defendant's blantant confession, my inspection has turned up the following results: the plaintiff is released from her contract and is owed fifty-thousand dollars, adjusted for inflation since the contract was signed" "how much has that inflated to in the last week" "let's see, carry the one uh five-hundred million dollars" "WHAT" "inspection dismissed" Ruth bangs her gavel. "next up is michelle v. jakey" Michelle walks into the courtroom. "take the stand" Jakey does as he is told, and Michelle begins to cross-examine him. "defendant, isn't it not true that you won't not take me home?!"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: The Beginning of the End [Lilith]
"five days until christmas jakey" "yes, i am nervous about it this year, as i don't know if santa will forgive me for being king of hell for a month" "it's irrelevant" "huh?" "i am going to steal christmas" "what?" "i got the idea from this delightful novel i've been perusing called 'how the grinch stole christmas'" "did you happen to finish the book" "no but i mean he got away with the presents; it's pretty clear-cut what happens next" "is it, though?" "yes; ANYWAY, when christmas comes and there are no ribbons or tags, no packages, boxes, or bags, people will riot in the streets!!! there will be chaos!!! PANDEMONIUM!!!" "i really think you should finish that book" "humbug; HUMBUG, I SAY!!! the time for reading is past!!! now is the time for action!!! meet me at the north pole in three hours" "can't we just teleport there?" "theoretically, yes, but the person standing behind you needs your attention" Jakey turns around to see Victorrhea. "alms for the terminally ill?" "oh yeah" Jakey places some alms into Victorrhea's cup. "thank you sir" "well that's taken care of" "not her, the one standing behind her" Jakey turns around to see Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Christmas Is Cancelled [Lilith]
"oh good jakey; you're right on time, check out my brilliant plan in action" Jakey looks over to the staircase Lilith is gesturing toward. Santa Claus proceeds to the top of the staircase with the intent of walking down, but slips on a banana peel and tumbles down the stairs. Santa flips and flips, his jolly form jiggling not with its usual mirth, but with a slight panic. Santa tumbles to the bottom of the stairs, and sticks the landing! His snow elves hold up their score cards. Snovia, the head snow elf, gives him a 10. Snofrida and Snobelle, the twin snow elves, also give Santa a well-deserved 10. Snoelyn, the eldest snow elf sister, however and as always, is less impressed and gives him a 9. "ho ho ho!!! thank you, my elves!!! let's be more careful when eating bananas from now on please" Lilith turns and growls angrily, her perfect plan unsuccessful. "time for plan b" Lilith traps Jakey behind a wall of fire, and leaps over the wall of presents she was hiding behind and bumrushes Santa. At the sight of the demoness, Snovia grabs her giant candy cane to try and defend Christmas, but Lilith is already up close and personal with Santa. Santa produces from his sleeves the ultimate in Christmas defense: the Tonfas of the Jolly. Santa parries Lilith's blows as Snovia prepares to bash Lilith over the head from behind. Lilith knows it's coming, however, and turns to attack Snovia, who is unable to defend herself mid-swing. Santa blocks Lilith's attack on Snovia with his tonfas, but this is exactly what Lilith wanted. While Santa is defending his head snow elf, Lilith unleashes the attack she's been priming for, and breaks Santa's left leg. Santa falls, his jolly form shaking the ground on impact. "christmas is cancelled" Lilith flies away, the ring of fire around Jakey dissipating. "SANTA!!!" The snow elves rush around their fallen leader, worried not only for his health, but also for Christmas itself. "who will deliver the presents?!" "i'll do it" "no jakey, you won't" "what why not" "you didn't even know there was a radiant forest until three months ago; how many other places are you not even aware of" "that's fair, so why can't you do it" "my license is suspended" "what did you do" "drunk driving" "oof" "same with the rest of us snow elves" "so i can't do it, you snow elves can't do it; i don't suppose santa has a next of kin or something" "i kept telling him to take a wife and have a kid, but he's a workaholic" "and you're all alcoholics" "we're the model dysfunctional family" Jakey ponders for a moment. "I'VE GOT IT" "huh?" "just send them through the mail and have the post lady deliver them; she's also a workaholic and insists the mail always go through; she'll make sure every person on earth gets his/her present on time" "oh good idea; i'll buy about six billion stamps; wait no i won't because NO ONE HAS THAT KIND OF MONEY" "oh right" Santa is carted off on a stretcher, and Michelle is carted in on a stretcher. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: The Goose Is Getting Thin [Lilith]
"so jakey how's it coming finding a replacement for santa claus" "not good" Lilith gives a sharp little laugh. "i didn't imagine it would be" "all my ideas are bad; we don't have enough money for stamps to get the post lady to do it, claire is a great driver but can't physically interact with the presents, the snow elves hate the idea of a wizard or genie teleporting the presents to their destinations, and i'm out of ideas" "well good luck with that" Lilith walks off, laughing, and Jakey leaves the Wicked Chateau. Jakey pulls out his phone and calls Snovia. "is she on to us" "i don't think so" "good; it was a great idea to have the dragon ladies do it; they can fly and they know the lay of the land from being bored atop a mountain for so many years" "it only took me systematically going through every single woman i've ever met in chronological order" "and that only took three days itself" Jakey heads to the top of Alabama Tower, and uses the binoculars to spot each of the three noble dragon ladies delivering presents across the night sky. He then turns his binoculars to see the top of the dragons' mountain, which Draya is dropping coal onto. The dragon lady elder and her assistant do not seem to care one way or the other, engrossed into their newest rewatch of Calimari Challenge. Jakey looks all around this side of his flat Earth, seeing tiny presents for pixingtons, sturdy presents for orcs, dour presents for dark elves, radiant presents for light elves, and coal for regular elves. Christmas is saved, and Lilith is none the wiser this Christmas Eve. Drita drops Jakey his present, which he gleefully opens to reveal Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: You Took Me Higher and Higher, Baby [Lilith]
"jakey what the fuck happened" "merry christmas" "yeah, what the fuck? i broke santa's leg; children everywhere should be crying their eyes out, but instead, everywhere i look, there are ribbons and tags, packages, boxes, and bags" "i don't know what happened" "a likely story; this afternoon, i woke up and saw that wight emelyn, right? she was hugging a brand new king bran plushie, so i asked her how she got that, and she said a DRAGON LADY dropped it off" "those snow elves are very resourceful" "no, they're a bunch of worthless drunks; someone gave them the right number, and i'm betting it was you" "if it makes you feel better, i got you a present" "y-you did?" "yes, it's inside this box" "n-nobody's ever given me a christmas present before" "that explains a lot" Lilith tears into her present, and receives a handknit sweater and scarf combo. "i had my ninja maid make it for you special; you were shivering at the north pole" "you know, i finished that book like you said, and i thought it was a load of tripe" "i figured you would" "i'll accept the gift because i am cold, but your sentimentality is lost on me" "sure sure" Lilith flicks her new scarf and walks off in a huff, not having accomplished her goal before the month's end, which is probably better for her in the long run, because the citizens of Hell would not have reacted kindly to missing out on their Christmas presents. Michelle walks up and passes Jakey a Christmas cookie shaped like a blob because she'd misplaced her cookie cutters. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'Vote for Lilith' t-shirt/THE END]