A Hallowed Thing (2024 - October)

Mission 001: Brave New World [King Bran]
"oh jakey stange to see you in october" "these are strange times" "indeed; you're aware of how hell chooses its interim ruler, right?" "not at all" "okay here it is: each demoness applying for interim queen of hell gets one month as interim queen of hell before the election next september" "how many candidates have we got" "five" "that's uh quite a lot; how do they decide who goes first" "each demoness selects a month of the year, barring september, and assuming there's no overlap, that demoness gets that month" "and i take it there was no overlap?" "none at all" "so who's up first" "echidna, the snake demoness" "snake demoness? does that mean she's a snake or that she has power to control snakes?" "yes" "wha-" "now, echidna is on her way here to meet the two of us on a diplomatic visit, and i imagine this will be a running theme all the way through march" "oh of course" A ghostly trumpet blares out as Echidna enters the castle underneath a rain of cherry blossoms. "wow claire's going really hard on that trumpet" "and emelyn on the blossoms" "hello, you must be kings bran and jakey, correct?" "i'm the crown prince, not the king" "then where's the king of canada?" "you know, i haven't seen him in a long time; i could be king by now for all i know" "regardless, hello; i am the prospective interim queen of hell, echidna, demoness of snakes" "i see that; i'm glad you have the upper body of a woman and the lower body of a snake rather than the reverse" "me too actually" "so what can we expect from the next month of your term" "i want there to be more snakes" "like, in general?" "yes; i want movies with snake leads, more snakes in high finance, and every television commercial should feature a snake/human couple" "then why is your entourage 0% snake?" "because they're out doing the other things i mentioned obviously" "fair enough" Michelle walks up and sees Echidna for the first time. "SNAKE!!! KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!" "michelle, this is the prospective interim queen of hell" "MY REQUEST STILL STANDS" "michelle, regicide was bad enough; i can't interfere in another country's election!!! elections are rigged enough as it is!!!" "fine, take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 002: Relocation [Echidna]
"oh hello jakey glad you could come by; welcome to the capital of hell" "i thought jezzie's tower was the capital of hell" "it's been condemned" "huh?" "whenever jezzie dies, we use the wicked chateau instead" "i never noticed this place here before" "really? last month, it was legally your home" "i did think the decor looked familiar, plus or minus a few snakes" "well, i gave it some of my own personal touch" "it shows; the garden outside was uh different" "how so" "it's uh overgrown" "wait WHAT?! that's hayden's department!!!" "hayden?" "HAYDEN!!!" A young ghost rushes over, and salutes Echidna. "hayden, why is the garden not maintained to the specifications i provided" "i am currently having a problem physically interacting with the gardening tools" "well figure it out, hayden!!! i don't not pay you to let the garden get unruly!!!" "yes ma'am" Hayden floats off, deep in thought about how to meet Echidna's demands. "wouldn't it make more sense to have a gardener who was anything other than a ghost" "that's not my department; personnel is handled by thombus" Echidna points at a zombie in the corner who is staring blankly at a painted portrait of a brain. "wouldn't it make more sense to have a logistician who was anything other than a zombie" "i can't fire him; he has tenure" "sorry to hear that" Michelle hacks through the garden with a machete to get to the office. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: An Important Milestone [Echidna]
"so jakey, if you were a hellish voter, what would you want in your interim queen" "i'd want her to be attractive" "which is why i've been keeping my hair in such good condition; give it a feel" "with pleasure" As Jakey goes to do what he wants to do to every woman he meets, a blade cuts between Jakey's hands and their target. "damn i missed" "OH!!! IS THIS MY FIRST ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT?! OH BOY OH BOY!!!" Echidna turns with glee toward her would-be assassin. "my name is christie anderson; you are an affront" "to?" "i don't need to qualify that statement" "hey can i cut in?" "what is it?" "how come i've never seen you before? i imagine i would have seen you attempting to assassinate jezzie; she was an affront as well" "not to nearly the same level as echidna" Echidna pouts slightly. "now, prepare to die" "yeah, i don't think so" Echidna hurls Christie out of the Wicked Chateau, and into a portal to Mojavistan. "damn, it'll take her a while to trek back across the continent" "hopefully next time i'll be giving a press conference or something so it will be more dramatic" Michelle walks up and holds in a microphone up to Jakey's face. "how do you respond to the allegations that you're about to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Calling in the Expert [Echidna]
"oh hey jakey; i've been researching this 'zodiac' thing and it's fascinating, so i've called in an expert; i tried to ask her name but she told me her name is unimportant so i didn't press further" "good choice" "so, unimportant, you're saying i'm an uh ophiuchus?" "oh yeah, the snake-bearer; i don't see how you could be anything else" "it does sound like me" "ophiuchuses are insightful and curious; seekers of wisdom and knowledge" "it's like you've known me my whole life" "does hell have a vice president? because if so you should totally choose a pisces" "are you a pisces?" "no, i'm a sagittarius, like jesus" "oh, i've heard of that guy; people seem to really like him" "i'll make you a copy of my horoscope rolodex so you know who to associate yourself with and who to avoid and who to be ambivalent toward" "that would be great thanks; now, i've heard that it's the year of snake next year?" "yes; currently, it's the year of the dragon" "what's the difference?" "pardon?" "dragons are just snakes that breathe fire" "well you'll have to talk to the chinese about that one" "oh and we can get some egg rolls too!!!" Echidna and Unimportant exit the building, completely ignoring Jakey. Jakey decides to sit behind Echidna's desk and put his feet up. Michelle walks in and puts the paperwork on Echidna's desk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Impressionable [Echidna]
"okay jakey i'm going to try and impress the girl in the tub; she's a pisces, so i need her on my side" "what's the plan" "i'm going to take one of those 'bubbled baths' that she's into; i need you to stand outside my door and only come in if i yell 'MALIC ACID'" "got it" Echidna grabs her rubber snakey and heads into the bath, and begins to sing a slithery tune. "♫when you look, you see right through me; cut the rope, fell to my knees♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Gwendolyn comes up the stairs. "jakey i've got to see echidna" "she's currently in the bath" "jakey this is urgent; echidna has change my streaming schedule so i am only streaming that cellphone game, snake; you know, the one where you're the snake and have to collect the balls and then grow longer as a result and have to avoid becoming an oroboros?" "no one gets past" "♫YEAH, HERE COMES THE WA-TER; IT COMES TO WASH AWAY THE SINS OF YOU AND I♫" "fine, i've seen how this goes; tell me, can you think of any other games that star snakes that echidna would let me play? i'm going insane here" The door to the bathroom slams open. "snake is the single greatest game ever made, and you should be thankful to be chosen to spread the good word" "but-" "now go, and i will hear no more discussion on this or i will demote you to skeleton" "yes ma'am" Gwendolyn trudges off as Scarlett trudges on. "i heard your jolly tune from across the street" "it was particularly jolly, wasn't it?" "i would be honoured to support your bid for interim queen" "atta girl; i'll even make you my minstress of bubbled baths" "sweet" Michelle punches the wall, dejected. She wanted to be ministress of bubbled baths. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: Fugitives [Echidna]
Jakey returns to his apartment for the first time in a while, and pours himself a bowl of milk. He then grabs a box of cereal and sits on the couch, pouring the cereal into the milk piecemeal so that it doesn't get too soggy between bites. People call him mad, but he knows that in this endeavour, he is a true visionary, just like all the Jakeys that came before him. As he enjoys his cereal, the door is busted down by Echidna. "you could have like knocked" "oh, is that the custom in this country? i'll keep that in mind for next time" Echidna welcomes herself in, and heads for the desk drawer where Mary lives. She knocks on the drawer politely, having been informed that that is the custom in this country. "it's open!!!" Echidna opens the drawer politely and sees Mary soaking in the pool she'd installed. "y-you weren't who i thought was knocking" "i like this knocking thing; the homeowner can't turn you away based on your voice" "can i help you with something" "yes, i'm currently running for interim queen of hell, and i'd like your help with my campaign" "pixingtons were emancipated from the evil regime in the treaty of 1433" "yes i know, but think of this as a favour to a friend" "you scare me" "why? because i'm a snake demoness?" "that about sums it up" "fair enough i suppose; i just thought a pisces like yourself would want to help out an ophiuchus like me" "i don't know what that means" "fine, alison will just have to paint me holding a flower or something; shame too, because i really wanted to make that portrait with a cute little pixington" "i don't like being clutched in someone's grip" "oh no no no no no no!!! you'd be balancing on the tip of my finger and holding up your own finger to boop me on the nose" "that sounds like an annoying pose to hold for hours while being painted" "but think of the result!!!" "i'm fine just soaking in my pool, thank you" "man, unimportant told me that pisceses would be lining up to help me out" Echidna slams the desk shut, spilling Mary's pool all over the place. She then slithers toward the door that Noriko rebuilt and kicks it down as she leaves. "nice lady" Michelle walks in and slams open Mary's drawer, causing the contents of the pool to spill back in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: A Living Worth Dying For [Echidna]
Jakey enters Alison's workshop to see her feverishly painting a portrait of Echidna being lifted up with one arm by Oslynn. "oslynn? you got roped into the portrait?" "yeah, echidna decided she wanted a campaign poster of her hobnobbing with a celebrity, and i was the only pisces celebrity she could think of aside from the girl in the tub, and that portrait would just be strange" "agreed" "besides, snakes and orcs are both green, right? we've got to stick together" "makes sense" "also i really liked the name of our collaboration album, nillachidna" "you're recording an album together?" "yeah, echidna's voice has this tone that i've never heard before; i just knew i had to put some crunchy metal guitars behind it" "you are right; the first thing that struck me about echidna is her voice" "i've mixed up some rough demos over there on the table if you'd like to have a listen" "oh thank you i believe i shall" Jakey heads over to the table Oslynn had indicated, and sees a bunch of copies of the Nillachidna demo tape. "let's see here: 'a snake with no name', 'snake out of hell', 'hungry like the snake', and, of course, a cover of my way" "gotta have my way" "i'd rather have fly me to the moon to be honest" "maybe next time" Michelle walks up and places her own demo tape next to the Nillachidna demo tape. "featuring such hits as 'take me home'"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Vengeance and Revenge [Echidna]
"hey echidna what's up with the chocolates" "well, i was searching unimportant's rolodex for more pisceses, and one of them was that wight, akari; when i was said to be the next one to be trial interim queen of hell, she apparently went straight home and started sharpening her sword" "that could be a good sign or a very, very bad one" "hence the chocolates" Echidna knocks on Akari's door. Akari was not doing anything at the moment, so she does not instantly swear revenge on the knocker, but instead answers the door. Akari's eyes narrow at the sight of Echidna. "echidna" "hello akari i was hoping we could have a chat; i brought you chocolates; the good kind with the cremes not the jellies" "come in; you too jakey" Akari takes the chocolates and leads her two guests into her hall of bladed death. "so i heard you had a strong reaction to my being appointed the trial interim queen of hell" "you don't remember, do you?" "not off the top of my head, no" "i was just a little girl living in the 1330s - a simpler time; you came to town and we all crowded around, for the visit of a demoness was a big deal back then before they all had a nauseating media presence" "of course" "so you were handing out snakes to all the little girls and boys and when it was my turn to receive a snake, you were fresh out and patted me on the head; all my friends made fun of me for not having my own snake friend" "oh i'm so sorry" "on that day, i swore revenge, no matter how long it took; beyond the realms of death, i would never forgive you for what you had done" "here, let me give you something that's been a long time coming" Akari reaches into her pack, and produces a single pit viper. "for you" "HE'S SO CUTE!!!" Akari hugs and squeezes her new snake friend. "i forgive you for everything" "i appreciate that (and your vote for me for interim queen of hell)" Akari begins to fade away. "OH NO" "i have never before been so content" "SHE'S LOSING HER REASON FOR UNLIVING!!! SHE'S ASCENDING TO HEAVEN!!!" As Echidna panics over her lost friend/vote, Michelle walks in and punches Akari in the nose. "I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS" Akari stops fading away as she swears eternal revenge on Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Delivering the Goods [Echidna]
"hey echidna what are you waiting on" "i ordered a package and it's going to be here soon" Right on cue, the post lady leaps out of her post van and delivers Echidna's package. "WAIT WHAT? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BAILEY WHO DELIVERED MY PACKAGE!!! SHE'S A PISCES!!!" "yeah, i can never tell when one is going to show up or the other" "oh well, at least my package arrived; would you like to peruse its contents?" "boy would i" Jakey rips open the package and begins perusing like he's never perused before. "oh man cans of mountain dew; i love those" "help yourself to any one you want" "oh thank you" Jakey grabs a can of classic green and pops the top. A trio of nylon snakes bursts forth from the can. "GAH" "never gets old" Echidna begins fiddling with her cellular calling device. "maybe if i order a human, i'll get bailey instead of the post lady" Echidna orders the human she has in mind, and Trixie arrives on her broomstick carrying the passenger. "DAMMIT" Michelle disembarks Trixie's broomstick. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Assistance Required [Echidna]
"oh jakey good; i wouldn't want you to have witnessed my failure without also witnessing my success" "what?" "i got your lawyer natalie here to write me up an order form that legally requires the company to send bailey to deliver my package" "i didn't know you could do that" "well, it was actually the opposite: i got restraining orders against every other possible person who could deliver the package so that, by default, bailey would be forced to deliver it to me" "strange but okay" "oh here she is" A semitruck carrying a trailer pulls up to Natalie's office. Bailey exits the truck and heads over to deliver Echidna's package. "miss bailey what a pleasant surprise!!! i hear you're a pisces!!! well i'm an ophiuchus so we should do lunch" "i don't know what that is" "lunch? it's the meal you have around noon" "no, that o'ficus thing or that pie seas thing" "oh, let me tell you about horoscopes" "i can tell you're not going to take no for an answer, so hop in the passenger's seat and we can do it along the way" "great!!! natalie, cancel all my restraining orders" "got it" Bailey and Echidna head over to Bailey's truck, then head back with Jakey's package. Inside is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Contentious Debate [Echidna]
"jakey settle this one for us: are dragons snakes" "uh-" "before you answer her, answer this: are orcs humans" "no" "but they're both mammals?" "correct" "so they can be the same type of thing, but not the same thing altogether?" "correct" "YOU'RE LEADING HIM ON YOUR LOGIC TRAIN!!!" "choo choo" Drita pulls down her arm as if she was choo chooing an actual train. "even if drita hadn't taken me down that track, i would have found it myself anyway; dragons are reptiles and snakes are reptiles, but dragons aren't snakes" "if a = b and b = c, then a = c" "this isn't math, it's taxonomy" "the guy who does my taxes has a degree in mathematics, ergo taxonomy is math" "i uh" Jakey and Drita are at a loss. Echidna's argument was so wrong that attempting to unravel any individual part of it would just make them look foolish. "no retort? then you legally recognise me as your governing demoness, drita; give me a ride downtown; i'm in the mood for pizza" "fine hop in the car" "car? i want to ride a majestic dragon not in a car like an idiot" "you're way bigger than me" "can't you transform into a giant lizard?" "no? i'm just a woman with wings and a tail who lives a long time" "fine, we'll take the car" Echidna dejectedly slithers toward Drita's midsize sedan. Echidna's snakey tail takes up the entire backseat, kicking Michelle out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Ignorance is Bliss [Echidna]
"hey echidna, claire; how's the campaign coming" "oh it's great thanks to claire here" "yeah echidna told me that in exchange for my help with her campaign and my vote, she'd make it so i never have to work fast food again" "oh nice; i didn't know they had ballots for ghosts" "hey wait that's a good point; echidna, do they have ballots for ghosts specifically" "uh i plead the fifth" "WHAT" "well you see-" Claire begins typing on her ectophone. "WHAT THE FUCK!!! according to the ectonet, ghosts don't even get to vote in the hellection!!!" "you can't believe everything you read on the ectonet" "or that comes out of the mouth of a fork-tongued demoness" "i can't help that my tongue is forked; i'm a snake" "in more ways than one" "that's hurtful" "not nearly as hurtful as being promised something on conditions i physically can't fulfill" "fair point" "'pisces and ophiuchus' my ass; i'm never listening to another horoscope again" Elsewhere, Unimportant doubles over with a sharp migraine. Herewhere, Michelle doubles over with a blunt migraine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: Sailin' Away on the Crest of a Wave, It's Like Magic [Echidna]
"well that's almost it for me unfortunately" "that was a quick month" "october always seems to fly by; at least i get to throw a big halloween bash to go out on" "a costume party was an inspired idea; i don't think it's ever been done before" "i know right? and look at all the people going as members of the kool kids klub" "their heads aren't pointy enough to be KKK members" "what else would wearing a sheet represent" "a ghost" "what? ghosts look nothing like that" "i didn't say it was a good ghost costume" "fair enough i suppose now watch as i rain candy down upon my soon-to-be constituents!!!" Echidna begins pelting party-goers with jawbreakers. "OW" "WHY" "HELP" "you're supposd to pelt them with soft candy, not the hardest candy known to man" "maybe that's how they do things in canada, but in hell, we aren't wusses" More and more jawbreakers rain down from the balcony as the party-goers cower under tables and in the parking lot. "aw dang i'm running out of jawbreakers" The party-goers look hopeful from under their tables. "DELIVERY" Bailey arrives with ten more crates of jawbreakers. "you're the best bail" Echidna's barrage of jawbreakers continues unabated. Michelle sneaks up to the balcony and grabs a crate of jawbreakers for herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'Vote for Echidna' t-shirt/THE END]