A Wild Thing (2027 - October)

Mission 001: Heaven and Hell [King Bran]
"hey kb have you heard about this olyction thing" "yeah it's pretty silly that we have to go through this rigamarole again" "and i'm sure that despite never having any contact from them for the last 30+ years, the olympians will become extremely prevalent and important parts of our lives" "so have you heard about the first candidate to get a month's free trial of running olympus" "nope" "it's artemis, goddess of the hunt" "interesting choice" "here she comes now" Without any additional fanfare, a figure rides into the castle on a bear. "hey irona; here to see artemis?" "i AM artemis you dip" "this whole pallet swap thing is going to be confusing" "i'm not a mere pallet swap; i've got different boots and my outfit doesn't have metal plates on it" "uh-huh; nice meeting you, artie" "don't call me that" Artemis's bear sniffs around the castle. "i can't even begin to wonder how you humans have survived this long with so many monsters running about, but do not fear, mortals: i shall hunt them down" "i look forward to learning your definition of the word 'monster'; i imagine the races we call monsters will be completely different" "until next time" Artemis's bear sprints off out of the castle until it comes in contact with a lady bear ridden by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Artemis missions]

Mission 002: Home Is Where the Art(emis) Is [Artemis]
"welcome, mortal, to the luminous villa; the capital building of olympus" "nice place" "thanks; the mounted animal heads are my trophies" "is that the nemean lion?" "yes it is" "i thought hercules killed that" "he didn't take a trophy so i felt it was my duty to take it for him" "fair enough i suppose" "let me introduce you to the crew: first, we have the director of personnel, the angel thombus" "thombus, you old dog; rising up from hell to olympus, just like that" Thombus does not respond. "he's um still recovering from the centuries as a zombie; he'll be right as rain in no time" "did his tenure transfer over from the wicked chateau?" "oh yes; all the tenure he was denied by that awful lilith is his to reap the benefits of, here in the luminous villa" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek. Justice truly has been served for Thombus. "do you need a minute?" "yeah i-it's just so beautiful; justice is real" "i'll um leave you to it" Michelle walks in, and sees Thombus as an angel, causing her to burst into single tears. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: The More Things Change [Artemis]
"oh hello there jakey; miss unimportant here was telling me all about how the stars dictate our personalities" "she does love to do that" "unimportant has told me that i am a taurus" "just like me" "nice; she says i should be looking for virgos to vote for me, as they are compatible with my personality" "i don't know many virgos off-hand; it's one of the rarer signs among my friends group" "why's that" "a lot happens in september, so it's inconvenient to have to worry about people's birthdays then" "i'm sorry i asked" "so am i" "regardless, unimportant told me that the virgos tend to be logical, practical, and systematic in approach, resourceful and intelligent, which simply reminds me exactly of the goddess apate" "apate? never heard of that one" "i've invited her over; here she is now" "hey there kid" Apate wraps her arm around Jakey's shoulder sleazily. "listen kid; have i got a deal for you: i've got a hundred cases of (expired) cough syrup in the back of my truck, and i will sell it to you for just one crisp fiver per crate" "what are you the goddess of again?" "bargains and deals" Apate winks as she shoots Jakey a finger gun. "I'LL DO IT!!!" Unimportant leaps over the table. "my horoscope told me that i would get an unbelievable deal today" "good choice kid; sorry other kid: you snooze, you also lose" Apate drops Jakey and begins schmoozing with Unimportant. "she's not really the goddess of bargains and deals, is she" "she's the goddess of deceit" "shouldn't that be a demoness thing?" "sometimes i wonder if nyx and her offspring are truly goddesses or just really charismatic demonesses" Michelle walks in, carrying a box of expired cough syrup Unimportant had sold her for a crisp tenner. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: The More They Stay the Same [Artemis]
"hey artemis how's apate settling in" "she's taken to her new job like a fish to the grill" "what do you have her doing" "she's calling up everyone in the major nations to get them to vote for me; let's listen in" Jakey and Artemis peek around the corner at Apate, listening to her phone conversation due to it being on speaker. "hello there miss caulfield; i'm apate with the artemis campaign" "th-the wh-what now" "artemis is running for queen of olympus, which is basically the most important ruler of them all; as a non-evil citizen, it is your duty to vote in the upcoming olyction" "th-that's a-a lot of p-pressure" "not at all; we all know artemis is the best candidate who will help you in your career as a uh" Apate looks down at the phonebook. "gravedigger" "h-how so" "well, tell me: what are your least favourite kinds of corpses to deal with" "w-wet ones" "mine too; a corpse should be dry as a bone, and artemis is going to make sure you personally never have to deal with a soggy corpse again" "r-really?" "yes; when she is elected queen of olympus, she is going to make it impossible to drown, and hunt every dangerous sea creature to extinction" "sh-she can d-do that?!" "with the power afforded to the queen of olympus, yes, indeed; the former queen of olympus only used her power to prevent certain kinds of deaths to prevent oxygen poisoning, which is nice, sure, but it's not going nearly far enough; i'd say that under artemis, your workload will be cut in half TWICE with all the types of death she'll get rid of" "w-wow!!! wh-when can i-i-i v-vote?!" "september 2028" "i-i-i will d-definitely v-vote for a-artemis!!!" "thanks kid; you're all right, i don't care what nike says" "n-nike? wh-what's she s-saying about m-me" "oh nike's one of the goddesses running opposite artemis; her campaign is next month, but she has been badmouthing you for a while" "wh-why?!" "she told me - and i don't believe it one bit - but she told me that you deserved to lose your eye, which i said was just cruel and untrue, but then she said that if she was elected queen of olympus? she was going to celebrate by popping out your good eye" "O-OH NO!!!" "nike is known for her violent victory celebrations; watch yourself out there, and be sure to vote for artemis" "y-y-yes m-ma'am!!!" "see you at the polls kid" Apate hangs up, Valerie's vote well and truly secured. "she's good" "the best, and she signed an exclusive contract to only campaign for me" Artemis holds up a contract signed by 'Aþate'. Michelle walks in and holds up the exclusive contract Jakey signed, which legally requires him to take Michelle and only Michelle home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Iconography [Artemis]
"hey artemis what's up" "i'm going out for a hunt" "where's your bow? i was told artemis was supposed to have a bow" "is that what the humans think of me? seriously? i've always hunted with a huge club" "i-what." "there is nothing like the thrill of running up to your prey and beating the shit out of it with a big stick until it dies" "you sound like an orc" "that is because i am the patron goddess of the orcs; i created them to be the perfect hunters, you see" "why are they green?" "because it's aesthetically-pleasing, and it makes them easier to pick out from the humans and elves and whatnot" "what about goblins" "oh how i hate goblins" "why?" "they're small and stupid and not at all suited to the hunt; nyx created them as a jest at my expense" "that makes a lot of sense, actually" "their crazy eyes are a direct parody of my darling orcs' perfect diagonal-line eyes; the diagonal lines allow orcs to see perfectly at close or long ranges, but the crazy eyes of the goblins make them incredibly near-sighted" "i was wondering about that" "and the goblins' complete invincibility is a parody of my beautiful orcs' toughened leathery skin and bones as strong as the mighty redwood; my orcs are practically invincible through their carefully-selected attributes, but the goblins are completely invincible because they just are" "that nyx sounds like a menace" "she is but don't tell apate i said that; you never insult someone's mother when within earshot" "mum's the word" "cute" Michelle walks in, dragging a gazelle carcass that she beat the shit out of until and for a long time after it died. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: From Your Head to Your Comatose [Artemis]
"jakey it's horrible; i just received word that one of my darling orcs has been in a coma for the last three years!!!" "first i've heard of it" "it's the orcish chieftain's daughter!!!" "oh yeah i forgot about her; olydia, right?" "olivia" "right" "let's just go" "fine fine" Artemis snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear at Olivia's bedside. "poor olivia; so comatose" "it breaks the heart" "not for long; as the patron goddess of the orcs, i can use my olympian magicq to revive her from her state" "magicq?! with a Q?! i've never heard of that before" "it's reserved for us olympians; a counter to the demonesses' evil magicks" "wow learn something new every day" "now stand back; i have a magicq spell to cqast" Artemis wiggles her fingers over Olivia's comatose body, and Olivia begins to glow slightly. "it is done" "she's still asleep" "but this is normal R.E.M. sleep rather than coma sleep; she should be good to go after her nap" "oh nice" "yes, she will wake up in about september" "of course" "what i want to know is how did she even end up in a coma, anyway?" "it says here on her chart that she fell into a swimming pool and nearly drowned" "why was she even near a swimming pool?!" "her job at the temp agency had her filling in for a lifeguard" "of course" "at least the hospital gave her a room with a view of the pool outside" Jakey points out the window, where Michelle is guarding the lives of everyone in and around the pool. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: This Is Just a Tribute [Artemis]
"jakey i am going to sing for olivia a tribute song while in my bathtub (and hopefully catch the attention of a certain celebrity bather); please guard my bath and don't come in unless i say 'CORN MALTODEXTRIN'" "you can count on me" Artemis turns and grabs her rubber gazelle and hops into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫here i come again, now, baby, like a dog in heat; you can tell by the clamour, now, baby, i like to tear up the street♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Apate comes up the stairs. "hey kid i need to talk to artie" "artemis is in the bath, and has asked not to be disturbed" "it's okay kid; she's calling for you anyway" Apate presses a button on her phone. "CORN MALTODEXTRIN" "that's a recording of the first time she said it" "what? would i do that?" "if artemis really wanted me to go in, she'd have ceased her jolly tune already, and she is still going at it" "♫GOT YOU IN A STRANGLEHOLD, BABY, THEN I CRUSHED YOUR FACE♫" Apate presses some buttons on the phone behind her back. "CORN MALTODEXTRIN" "you'd better get in there kid" "that was clearly an AI imitating artemis's voice; that was incredibly stilted" "fine; you got me" Just then, a small explosion is heard from the bathroom. "CORN MALTODEXTRIN" Jakey tears open the door to see the bathtub blown to bits. "how did this happen" "hey kid, word of advice: don't pay attention to the hand hidden behind my back; pay attention to the one throwing a small explosive under the crack of the door" Apate winks and shoots Jakey a finger gun. "and we were just getting to the guitar solo too" Jakey hangs his head, this being the lowest point of his prolific bathroom-guarding career. Michelle pats him on the back in sympathy. "♫go on and take me home, now, jakey, like a bro indeed♫"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Unimpressed [Artemis]
"hey artemis, did your song catch the attention of scarlett?" "no, she was unimpressed with my inability to finish the song" "ouch" "so i've decided to go back to trying to court virgos like that unimportant girl told me to" "if at first you don't succeed, give up" "exactly; now let's roll" Artemis snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear at the Sinful Manse. "what are we doing here?" "i picked a card out of unimportant's rolodex at random and didn't look at it; there must be a virgo here somewhere" Just then, Lilith rolls up. "hey jakey, hey irona" "hey lil; know any virgos around here?" "oh yeah let's see here" Lilith picks up a goblin by the scruff of the neck. "this is gobriella; she's a virgo" Artemis turns up her nose in disdain. "goblins; disgusting creatures" "yeah but they're cheaper than the other races so what are you going to do" "you demonesses disgust me" "oh, you're not irona; you're one of those greasy goddesses like hera" "greasy? now listen here; i am an olympian goddess, and i demand respect" "oh i've got chills; they're multiplyin'" "are you mocking me?" "i'm impressed you noticed; i'd have a hard time paying attention to anything if i had a stick crammed that far up my ass" "that is it; when i am elected queen of olympus, i am declaring war on your nation, queen of hell" "oh no i'm so scared whatever will i do" "rejoice that my victory is still a year away; that beautiful fresca on your ceiling will be destroyed then" Artemis teleports away in a huff. "that went swimmingly" "she doesn't appear to know that eleatrice won the hellection" "and while hell and olympus are at war? that's when gomorrah sweeps in to destroy them both" "i am sure that a major change to the status quo like that will happen" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks up and hands out Frescas to all the goblins. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Fresh and New [Artemis]
"hey artemis; you look steamed" "i can't believe that lilith had such a beautiful fresca at the wicked chateau" "it is truly awe-inspiring" "so i have asked one of my beloved orcs to paint me my own fresca in the luminous villa" Right on cue, Octavia exits the entranceway of the Luminous Villa into the offices. "i've finished the painting for you, o artemisly one" "good; let us see what you painted" The three enter the entranceway and gaze ceilingward to see a beautiful fresco of Artemis touching fingertips with an orc. "i call it 'the creation of odom'" "octavia, this is truly a great piece" "thanks i-" "but it is NOT what i asked for" "pardon? you said to paint a fresco" "no, i said to paint a frescA" "the soft drink?" "yes; i can't undermine lilith's wicked chateau with this fresco, no matter how beautiful it may be" "so um-" "i am going to remove the ceiling and put this in a museum, then i will get a new ceiling installed, and i want you to paint me a fresca" "yes ma'am" Octavia looks down at the floor, dejected. "i feel awful that my careless ears heard our artemisliness wrong and she needs to go through the hassle and expense of replacing the ceiling" "it's a learning lesson" "yes; get all my jobs in writing, especially after that incident where i was asked to box a baby and i punched it in the head instead of packing it in a box to return through the mail to its parents" "that sort of mistake could happen to anyone" "i suppose" Michelle walks in, and hands Jakey his next assignment. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: The Best in the Place [Artemis]
"hey artemis; nice open-air concept you've got going here" "candice hasn't completed my ceiling yet" "yeah she's pretty tuckered out after crimson bovine energy supplements lost their secret formula and went out of business" "oh, is that all? i shall summon the goddess of potions" "there's a goddess of potions?" "yes, her name is circe and she can concoct anything" "i'll take that bet" Artemis summons Circe, who appears in a puff of smoke. "need a potion?" "yeah what was that called" "crimson bovine energy supplement" "pfft; PFFT, I SAY!!! i shall create an energy supplement that works and tastes better than crimson bovine!!! (and also contains nicotine so everyone who drinks it will become addicted)" "wait what was that last bit" "no time mortal; i need to get this done!!!" Circe poofs away, then poofs back in a few minutes later. "give her a can of this; i call it 'toro carmesi'" "neat" Jakey takes the can of Toro Carmesi and delivers it to Candice. "what's this" "the radiant forest's crimson bovine plant still had a truckload of the drink to deliver; over there, they call it 'toro carmesi'" "what's that mean" "i don't know; try it" "okay i guess" Candice takes a swig of Toro Carmesi, and is instantly hooked. "oh boy oh boy oh boy here it comes!!! it'shappeningstandback!!! HEREWEGO!!!" Candice launches up into the air and begins installing the ceiling at the speed of sound. Very soon, the ceiling is installed, and Candice vibrates on to her next project. "ohboyohboyohboyhereigo!!!" "i am worried" Michelle takes the empty can of Toro Carmesi and crushes it against her forehead, which nullifies her ability to trade it in for a shiny nickel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Putting in the Work [Artemis]
Jakey crawls into the Luminous Villa, unable to stand or even crouch inside the entranceway. "um artemis? does the luminous chateau-" "luminous villa" "right, does it seem a little cramped to you?" "yeah, remember when candice installed the new ceiling? well she was so amped up on energy supplements that she came back and installed ten more ceilings directly under the original one" "that would do it" "unfortunately, octavia's beautiful fresca she painted is on the first ceiling, and i'm worried that if i just break through ceilings, i'll break the top one as well" "reasonable; so are you hiring a magician?" "magic is for pussies" "okay, how about a time traveller to stop candice from coming back?" "jakey, you're supposed to be the one who never has the ideas that actually make sense" "i've been working on my straightman routine" "well i did neither of those things, and, in fact, called up someone who might just make the problem worse" "it's not too late to use time travel" "and it also won't be too late to use time travel after this goes horrible awry" "fair enough" Just then, a bus pulls up. "nice ceilings" "artemis, you called a demoness?" "busara is not a demoness; public transportation is a universal good, ergo she is a goddess" "yeah you just keep thinking that kid" "why did you even accept this job busara" "some of my buses need new ceilings; artie here was offering them for free and really what kind of business(wo)man would i be if i didn't accept free ceilings?" "fair enough" Busara hooks her winch to the ceilings and drags them away, miraculously pulling them off one at a time. "one ceiling left; am i taking that one too or is it staying" "that one stays" "okay then; ciao" Busara does a half-assed wave as she drives off. "and that just leaves the final ceiling with the fres-" Artemis is horrified to see Busara driving off with the ceiling with the Fresca on it, having swapped it out for a Frescaless ceiling. "so, time travel?" "jakey, sometimes, we must live with our mistakes; this is one of those times" "fair enough; good luck convincing octavia to paint another fresca" "i don't think she'll be too mad at me about it having been stolen" "yeah but i've never heard of someone stealing a ceiling before" "don't you have a michelle to take home?" Michelle nods. "she's right jakey; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Time Waits for Nobody [Artemis]
"jakey bad news: octavia took the theft of the fresca personally, and marched out to face busara in one-on-one combat and got run over by a bus and fell into a coma" "that's awful" "it's okay; i used a time machine to come back to before i told octavia about the theft so none of that happened" "why didn't you just go back in time to before busara stole the fresca? or before candice put up those extra ten ceilings?" "i am not going to dignify that with a response; i have instead come up with a plan to recover the fresca from busara" "go on, tell me your awful plan" "that's rich coming from you, of all people" "i have a phd in awful plans; my inability to come up with good plans 99% of the time has no bearing on my ability to recognise awful plans" "well this is not one of those; who better to foil a thief than another thief?" "you hired sioby to steal the fresca ceiling back?" "yes; she is the greatest thief of this generation" "yeah, and she has a great track record of giving the thing she stole to the person who hired her to steal it" Right on cue, Siobhan appears, Frescaless. "where's the fresca" "i replaced the ceiling in my hideout with it; it adds a touch of class to the place" "you dare to steal from a goddess?!" "yeah; see you around" Siobhan slinks away like a thief in the night, which is appropriate given that she is a thief in the night. "so, time travel?" "octavia can take this sioby girl" "yeah but she'll never find sioby's secret hideout" "what makes you say that" "well for one, it's a secret, and only someone with a device that uses a satellite to find the position of every cute girl he meets could find such a place" "do you have such a device?" "yes but it's mine fuck off" "i guess i'm just condemned to have a frescaless luminous villa" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks up and pops open a can of Fresca right in Artemis's face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: Making Believe This Is What You Conceived from Your Worst Day [Artemis]
"happy halloween artie" "yes, indeed; nothing lifts my spirits like the hallowed eve" "how are you celebrating? echidna threw jawbreakers at her constituents" "that sounds fun, but my plander is grander and filled with dander; i have organised the great monster hunt!!!" "what kind of monsters are we hunting" "all types; goblins, the undead, harpies, slimes, werewolves, dragons, and even the mythical etcetera" "not many people showed up for your hunt" "pfft more for me; jakey, check the monster detector and tell me how many monsters showed up" "uh none" "WHAT why not" "wait, did you expect the monsters to show up on their own?" "yes? it's halloween; why wouldn't they parade about like always and show up to all the halloween parties to try and win costume contests with zero effort" "and this was advertised as a monster hunt?" "yeah i don't want to be sued for false advertising; your point?" "monsters don't tend to want to be hunted" "nonsense; the give-and-take between predator and prey is the most exhilarating feeling in the world" "have you ever been on the side of the prey?" "i fail to see how that's relevant" Just then, a pack of goblins shows up, including fan favourites Gobriella, Gobigail, Gobrina, Gobecca, and Gobtavia. "hello is this the hunting party" "i like shooting monsters" "yes yes, right this way" "i want to hit monsters with my fish" Artemis and the goblins have fun hunting eachother around the grounds of the Luminous Villa for hours. "you know what? you goblins are all right" "we're all all right" "wait where is my fish" Gobtavia looks around for her fish, and finds it on the grill, being cooked by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]