A Heavenly Thing (2027)

Mission 001: Actions and Consequences [King Bran]
"jakey, so good of you to emerge from your summerly hibernation" "you sound like there's something that requires my attention" "yes, there has been a demoness bugging me for three months about your location, and i have had the courtesy to not give her your home address" "oh thanks" "yeah well please return the favour by getting her out of my castle" "you know, i figured that i'd be done solving troubles when the whole jezzie/unimportant thing came full circle" "i have no idea what you're talking about" "huh? but it felt like so much was resolved in that moment, you know? like all of the random meandering i've done culminated in that very moment" "well, unfortunately, things don't just end because a years-long subplot resolved well; we've got endless political and social issues to listen to and then ultimately ignore" "heavy is the head that wears the crown" "word" Jakey turns and notices a demoness he's never seen before. "hey there kid; i'm the demoness of public transportation, busara" "never heard of you" "well the 'major' demonesses insist i'm a 'minor' demoness, but public transportation is more important than half of the shit they represent" "yeah, like trees and shit? give me a break" "exactly; i'm glad we see eye-to eye, kid, so i know i can get you to resolve this tiny little problem you created last year" "me?" "yeah, anyway, listen up, kid: last year, you trapped my star bussie in a volcano" "what." "violet is one of the best bussies i've ever seen, despite her short time at the job" "really?" "yes, she's a bussie bodhisattva" "can we stop calling busdrivers that" "no, that is the proper term, kid; regardless, i've got to look out for my bussies, so i need you to pop her out of that volcano" "i'll pass" "what." "you're a demoness; you can do it yourself" "i can't publicly transport her out of a volcano; i'd need the demoness of fire to do that, and lilith is not my biggest fan ever since i ran her over with my bus" "really?" "repeatedly" "that sounds like a 'you' problem, not a 'me' problem" "seriously, kid? i'm a demoness; i can make a 'me' problem into not just a 'you' problem but also an 'everyone you ever cared about' problem" "i may believe that from the demoness of law, but public transportation? give me a break" "all right, kiddo; i'll see you soon" Busara takes her leave, and kicks Michelle off of her bus. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Unimportant missions/Busara missions/Violet missions/Lilith missions]

Mission 002: Stuck Amok [King Bran]
"hey kb these demonesses are running positively amok these days" "tell me about it; all i hear these days is 'oh the demoness of ice froze my son into a large cube' and 'oh the demoness of gravity crushed my car into a cube'" "are those common complaints?" "yeah, you know how those two get; my court wizard spends all day thawing out constituents and uncrushing cars and barely has any time to conjure me up some blueberry muffins" "sounds like you need a second court wizard" "now there's an idea" King Bran rings his bell, and Ortence appears from her tower. "ortence, you are overworked" "i'll say" "so i'd like you to organise a hiring event so i can get you some help" "yessir!!!" Ortence gladly casts a spell, which teleports anyone who would have applied for the court wizard job straight to the castle. "i expected more people" "well, think of it this way: now you don't have weigh pros or cons, because the only pro that matters is that she's the only one here" "all right, what's your name" "the little girl" "seriously?" "yeah, it sucks; call me elizabeth" "so can you conjure me up a blueberry muffin" Elizabeth pulls out her top hat and produces a single blueberry muffin from within. "you're hired" "sweet" "now go help ortence undo all that demoness damage" "right away sir" Elizabeth salutes her new boss, happy to be relevant nine years after her introduction. As a parting gift, she pulls a Michelle from her hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions/Gravella missions/Ortence missions]

Mission 003: Innovation [King Bran]
"so how's elizabeth working out as secondary court wizard" "oh she's great; she's always ready to show me some muff" "ins?" "yes, i was doing the thing where you hack off the end of a word to make it cooler" "i don't think muffins is the word to go for with that" "if you say so" King Bran rings his bell, and Elizabeth appears. "lizzy, give our guest one of those blueberry baked goods" "oh, yessir" Elizabeth reaches into her hat. "here you go jakey, a blueberry one straight from the source; king bran loves my muff" "ins" "yes, i was doing the thing where you hack off the end of a word to make it cooler" Jakey shakes his head and takes a bite out of the muffin. "it's a very good muffin" "totally; lizzy's muff makes me glad we overworked ortence to the point where we had to hire a second court wizard" "are ortence's muffins not as good?" "they're good, but lizzy's muff? best in the world" "can you please stop calling them that" "fine fine" King Bran dismisses Elizabeth, and summons Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: The Ghost of Bygones Past [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie how's not being evil working out for you" "it was going great until about a week ago when gremory came back to life" "you'd think coming in last in the hellection would have made her think about why no one likes her" "she's come in last in EVERY hellection she's competed in but she always says it's because everyone knows she's the most evil demoness" "then she laughs maniacally?" "yeah" "so what's she been doing to you for the last week" "constant teasing; she claims to have always known i didn't have the stomach for evil, and that this will soon be the age of gremory" "what's her plan to defeat eleatrice?" "when i asked, she got really quiet, and said quietly that she was sure lilith was going to win" "well that does seem to be a common occurence, to hear you tell it; did you tell her about lilith's country of gomorrah" "would you want to be responsible for gremory potentially conquering a country?" "point taken" "now if you'll excuse me, i need to give these flowers to that wind supervillain(?) to apologise for the last flowers i gave her that she was allergic to" "what if she's allergic to these flowers" "good point; maybe i should just get her some chocolates" "safer option" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a box of chocolates. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gremory missions/Eleatrice missions/Typhoon-Girl missions]

Mission 005: Sorry, Sorry [Jezzie]
"so who are you apologising to today jezzie" "ilona, the demoness of moneylending" "you mean irona?" "no, ilona; busara's sister" "why are their names so similar" "we're evil; chaos and confusion are our bread and also our butter" "of course; so what did you do to this ilona" "i borrowed a sum of money and didn't pay it back, causing ilona to send a thug to break my legs, to which i responded by breaking the thug's legs" "are you going to apologise to the thug as well?" "the thug has since left the moneycollecting business and become a bouncer for that terminally ill girl you hang around, so i'd say i improved her lot in life and merely sent her a card" "fair enough" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear at Ilona's moneylending service, Adventures in Debenture. "hey ilona how's business" "hasn't been so great since you crippled my best collector" "right so i've come to say i'm sorry and pay back the money i owe" "really? that doesn't sound like you" "i'm turning over a new leaf" Jezzie hands Ilona a crisp fiver. "i made sure to keep it crisp all this time" "good, because it's a headache trying to enforce the soggy fiver fee" "soggy fivers are the worst" "i know right?" Michelle walks in and borrows a bundle of crisp fivers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions/Irona missions/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 006: Necronomipros and Necronomicons [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant how are you holding up after everything that's happened" "i'm not doing so good; you may have saved me from a horrible fate as a dark angel, but prolonged exposure to the necronomicon has warped my very being" "how so" "well um for starters: my hair and eyes have been turned black" "oh i thought your horoscope just told you to go through a goth phase" "the infernal magicks of the necronomicon force my appearance into a goth phase whether i like it or not" "well you always did complain about how the shock of the great evil you witnessed turned your hair white" "i ended up kind of liking that" "and how exactly did you have prolonged exposure to the book anyway? you had the necronomicon for like a day before you disposed of it" "well i said 'disposed' but i really meant 'shoved it under my bed'" "so you've been sleeping on top of the most evil tome in all existence for a whole year?!" "well, eleven months, really" "and you kept it under your bed as you noticed these effects?" "well i tried to donate it to the local library but they said they don't accept occult tomes and then i was all out of ideas" "did you try throwing it in the garbage?" "no, but that's a great idea" Unimportant fetches the Necronomicon and hucks it in with the garbage. Soon, the post lady arrives to carry it to the dump. "THE TRASH MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH!!!" "god bless that post lady" Jakey, Unimportant, and Michelle all salute the nation's greatest hero, the post lady. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: White as Rain [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant i see your eyes have stopped seeping black ooze" "yeah i think the curse is over but my hair and wardrobe are still black and none of the stores sell white hairdye" "none of them? not even the old people stores?" "the old people stores have nothing but blacks and browns and blondes" "weird" "i know right? but luckily i checked my horoscope and it told me to make a white hairdye out of powdered sugar and glue" "you're going to cover your hair in glue?" "it told me to make the hairdye, not use it; i'm going to beseech the king bran to have his genie or court wizard turn my hair back white" "smart but what are you doing to do with this sweet glue you've made" "well i have been neglecting my scrapbook" "oh don't let michelle hear you say that" "too late" Unimportant points to Michelle, who has brought her scrapbook containing pictures from all the times Jakey has taken her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Jean missions]

Mission 008: Forcefully Peaceful [Busara]
Back at his apartment, Jakey pours himself a bowl of milk and grabs a box of cereal, ready to have an oat-filled treat. As he pours the cereal into his bowl of milk, he hears a ruckus coming from a vaguely outsideward direction. "LET MY BUSSIES GO!!!" Jakey opens his window to see Busara leading a whole picket line. "that's the guy right there; he threw one of our dear friends - a fellow bussie - into a VOLCANO!!!" The crowd gasps in horror. "busara, really? i'm trying to eat a bowl of cereal here" "oh i've seen how you eat a bowl of cereal; you pour the milk BEFORE the cereal!!!" The crowd gasps in horror. "it's stops the cereal from getting soggy if you pour as you eat" One of the busdrivers faints. "this is the man keeping poor violet hostage inside that volcano; what a monster" The crowd goes into an uproar, aside from one holdout. "hey trixie; you don't seem too mad about my transgressions" "busara forced me to come; she said if i took any fares during the strike, i'd be labeled a strikebreaker and she'd break my legs, then after they healed, she'd break them again" "well uh strike on i guess" "thanks, you're a peach" Jakey turns his attention back toward his bowl of cereal, but it has been shrink-wrapped and placed back into the fridge by Noriko. "wha-" "jakey, we've got an emergency outside, and you want to go back to your cereal?" "i'm hungry" "well eat this nutrition bar; it will fill you up in a single bite so you'll be ready for the task ahead" "which is?" "dispersing the angry mob of course" "isn't that grace's job" Grace hangs her head in shame. "i used all my tear gas on those birds that attacked me earlier" "i told you not to wear a dress made entirely out of bread" "but i got such a great deal on it" Jakey looks out the window, and sees Busara burning an effigy of him. "what's going on we only have one window" "they're burning an effigy of me" "oh nice" "nice?!" "burning an effigy of you gives me the legal right to use deadly force" "seriously?" "yeah, code 41A, section 17C" "killing protesters will trigger trixie's bloodlust and cause a relapse; she's gone two years without murdering anyone" "so what do you suggest?" "in this type of situation, i usually do nothing and it sorts itself out" "seriously?" "well, i sometimes take michelle home" Michelle nods. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 009: Demonically Blessed [Violet]
"hey violet" "jakey what a pleasure; how's life been, not being stuck inside a volcano" "it's great, actually; i had a bowl of cereal not too long ago" "i miss cereal" "so tell me: how did you get busara to organise a huge protest outside my apartment for you, specifically" "i simply prayed, and the patron demoness of bussies answered my prayers as best she could" "listen, i am willing to negociate your release, but you've got to work with me" "what's there to negociate? i'm being falsely imprisoned" "you're not under guard or anything, you're just stuck" "then unstick me" "i have had my lawyer draw up a contract that i will send down for you to sign" Jakey drops a copy of the contract into the volcano. "'the party hereby referred to as 'violet griffin' agrees that in exchange for getting her out of the volcano, she may never refer to one who drives a bus as a 'bussie' or the act of driving a bus as 'bussin'' WHAT." "those are the terms" "busara made the legal term for one who drives a bus into 'bussie'; what am i supposed to call my profession if not that?!" "busdriver" "so long, so awkward, ew" "either sign the document or stay trapped in that volcano" Violet rips up the contract. "well i tried; enjoy your life" "the bussies union will haunt you day and night for the rest of your life until you free me" "good job i stocked up on tear gas" Jakey drops a can into the volcano. "whoops" "i do not need your gas in order to shed tears; life without my bus has been torture" Michelle walks up and throws down a can of tear gas. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions/Natalie missions]

Mission 010: A Dastardly Ruse [Violet]
Jakey walks up to the volcano Violet is stuck in, hoping to see a surrender, but he triggers a terrible trap. Jakey's foot catches on a manmade ridge at the top of the volcano, sending him hurtling toward the basin of the volcano. As Violet laughs maniacally, our hero's bodyguard leaps into action. Grace vaults over the rim of the volcano and kicks Jakey so hard that he tumbles down the side of the volcano, but Grace herself falls into the lava. "grace are you okay?!" "yeah i'm fine; this soft violet cushioned my fall" Jakey wipes a gallon of sweat off of his brow, drenching the unfortunate Violet it lands on. "hold on, i'll get you out of there" "okay just got to take care of something real quick" Grace plants a bullet between Violet's eyes while Jakey grabs a rope. "okay pull me up" Jakey lowers the rope, and yanks Grace up with all his might. "so, you executed violet?" "yeah, by attempting to trip you into a volcano, she enabled me to use lethal force" "you enjoy using lethal force don't you" "no comment" "well i'm sure that this will resolve my issue with busara and the busdrivers union rather than just make it infinitely worse" "that's the spirit" Michelle runs up the side of the volcano carrying a box of donuts. She trips on the ridge, and the donuts tumble into the lava. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Unappreciated [Lilith]
"hey lilith, how's the offshoot country working for you" "well, i haven't been executed by my constituents yet, so i'd say it's going well" "cool cool; and who is this behind you?" "this is my understudy, fubuki, the demoness of smoke" "i thought there were only thirteen foundational elements of the universe" "smoke isn't a foundational element of the universe; it's a byproduct of a foundational element of the universe, meaning that bookie here is a minor demoness" "if that's the case, why are both water and ice considered foundational elements of the universe if they're the same thing" "don't ask me; i'm not an elementologist" "so if smoke is a byproduct of fire, fubuki is basically your daughter then" "wha-no way; i'm not a single mother, i'm a hip young single royal; i have no red flags that would make me unattractive as a potential marriage candidate" "that's debatable" "oh, is it now? because when i attended your high school disguised as your peer, i was in the debate club, and i won countless debates that resulted in us ordering anchovies on our pizza" "really? you don't strike me as an anchovy fan" "i'm not, they're gross; i just wanted the others to have to choke it down" "that sounds more like you" Michelle wanders up, carrying an anchovy pizza. No one dares approach it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fubuki missions]

Mission 012: Demonic Resonance [Lilith]
"hey lil, how come so many demonesses are coming out of the woodwork lately" "well you're the chosen hero of the chosen heroic lineage, and you pretty clearly don't give a single fuck about what demonesses do short of killing living saints with huge tits, so they have decided to leave the comfort of the woodwork and fan out to spread their evils to various corners of the world" "so i'm going to meet the patron demoness of stamp collecting soon?" "what? no, stamp collecting is a pure good activity; we demonesses cannot place more than one stamp onto a single surface without bursting into holy flames" "seriously?" "yes; once, a hero tricked me into thinking a book of stamps was a sheet of regular stickers and my beautiful demonic sticker album burst into holy flame and ruined my whole century" "ouch" "i can't even look at a sticker any more without shedding a single tear" Michelle walks up and slaps a large smiley face sticker onto the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 013: A Forgetful People [Lilith]
"jakey do you know where odilia is?" "odilia? not particularly; why" "i hired her as my court wizard two years ago and haven't seen her since" "OH right i'd forgotten" "really?" "yeah, maybe she'd forgotten as well" "i've rung the service bell 27,483,719,327 times in the last two years; she must have heard it" "well maybe she's avoiding you" "why? last time we met, we laughed about that one really short orc together; it was a bonding experience" "well just warp her here" "i can only do that if i know where she is" "i can try calling her cellular phone" "it's a longshot, but go ahead" Jakey dials up Odilia. "hey odie" "please don't call me that" "do you remember how two years ago you were hired as lilith's court wizard?" "..." "..." "OH SHIT" Odilia teleports to the spot. "sorry ma'am i completely forgot i took this job" "i've rung the service bell 27,483,719,327 times" "i thought i just had tinnitus" "fair enough" "so what do you need ma'am" "you know? in the last two years, i've completely forgotten" "okay um i'm going to hang out here then; hopefully being in this demonic building will help me to remember that i am supposed to be at your beck and also your call" "good, good" Michelle rings her own service bell. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions/Octavia missions]

Mission 014: Unimaginable [Icelia]
"hey icelia-" "jakey good icelia needs to ask of you a question: who is the most musical demoness" "icelia" "and can you possibly imagine a more musical demoness than icelia?" "no" "so would you agree that having a minor demoness whose domain is musicality is wholly unnecessary?" "yeah, i figured music was part of your purview already, like how echidna is the demoness of snakes and poison" "exactly; icelia is the epitome of musicality" "so i take it there's a minor demoness devoted to music in spite of the fact that it is completely superfluous" "exactly, and she drives icelia up a wall with her mere existence, not to mention her awful personality and ugly fashion sense" Jakey looks at his watch, expecting this musical demoness to appear any second now. "sorry i'm late i had a gig, you know, for many paying fans" Icelia's eyes narrow. "speak of the devil; jakey, this is melody, the demoness of superfluousity" "good joke icy; i'm the demoness of music because you simply couldn't carry a tune if you had fifty servants to bear the load on your behalf" "icelia is livid" "i would be too if i were so musically-uninclined" "that is it; icelia challenges you to a battle of the bands!!!" "i don't have a band, but i'll put one together just to see your horrible defeat, icy" Melody plays a powerchord and disappears in a puff of smoke. "jakey do icelia a favour, please? go spy on melody for icelia" "i'll try to fit it into my busy schedule; i've got nineteen people i've got to visit beforehand" "then go and get it done already; melody is probably hatching wicked machinations to get her band together, unlike icelia, whose band joined due to icelia's natural talent and charisma" "got it" Michelle walks up wearing a Melody tour jacket. Icelia disintegrates it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions/Melody missions]

Mission 015: Fair Competition [Gravella]
"hey gravella what's with all the tvs" "i have become a professional gambler, except it's not really gambling because i can directly affect the outcomes of the sports game matches i bet on; observe" Gravella motions to the first TV. "welcome back to the broadcast, i'm orelie leavitt; it's the championship orcish basketball game, and there are only ten seconds left on the clock; the mojavistan marauders are ahead by one point over the canada crusaders, and the mojavistan marauders are set to have the ball; star player odilia morgane receives the ball, and drives for the hoop, hoping to add a final insulting bucket; there's not enough time for the crusaders to make a return drive, so this should be a harmless shot" Odilia releases her three-point shot, and as the ball hits the backboard, where under normal circumstances, it would bounce downward into the basket, Gravella instead lowers the ball's personal gravity, causing it to bounce high into the air in the opposite direction. Gravella increases the gravity on the ball at the proper moment so that it will land in the opposite hoop. "AND THE CRUSADERS WIN!!! a horrible, devastating upset for the marauders, and what's this? coach michelle of the marauders has ripped off odilia's jersey and cut her from the team!!! she's promoting the shortest orc, octavia leavitt, in her place, which has got to sting" Coach Michelle stomps up to the camera and looks directly at Jakey through the screen. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions]

Mission 016: Magic for Dummies [Ortence]
"hey ortence how's elizabeth working as your underling" "she's not the best magician i've ever seen, but she makes it work" "magician? not wizard?" "a wizard can harness magical power from within; magicians can only pull things out of hats" "oh" "she's does well enough though; the flamethrower she pulled from her hat was pretty helpful for thawing out constituents" "what about the cubed cars?" "she pulled out a supermagnet; she's pretty resourceful, all told" "that's good" "shame that half the time she ends up just pulling rabbits out of her hat; i've got a cage full of them over there" "you should warp them away to a different country" "good idea; i hear gomorrah is nice this time of year" "yeah, if you like fire and brimstone" "who doesn't?" Ortence warps away the rabbits. The native goblin population are all in an absolute state as the cuteness of the rabbits overwhelms their delicate goblin senses. "i'm sure that will have no negative consequences in the future" "we're due for something to go well anyway" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks up and pulls a crisp fiver out of her hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: Negative Consequences in the Future [Ortence]
"so how's wizarding going" "easy and breezy, just how i like it" Just then, a portal to Gomorrah opens up, and Lilith steps through, holding Gobriella by the scruff of the neck. "what did you two do" "you'll have to be more specific" "my goblins have been accomplishing absolutely nothing" "how is that different than normal?" "because before, they at least tried their little hearts out; now all they want to do is stare at rabbits" "i like cute bunnies" "SEE?!" "maybe you should ask the demoness of animology; we have nothing to do with whether or not rabbits are cute" "but you definitely have everything to do with why they're in my country; rabbits don't even like fire and brimstone that much" "yeah but they like it better than our lumberjacking equipment that frequently mulches rabbits; i hear lumberèd jacks make a game out of it, seeing who can mulch the most rabbits in an hour, and so on" "well yeah but-" "also, most of the surface of our flat earth is ocean; rabbits can't breathe underwater, so i believe given the choice between drowning, being mulchèd, and fire/brimstone, rabbits would definitely choose the third option" "fine, your debate skills clearly surpass my own" Lilith hands Jakey her debate club champion trophy. "i'll win it back though, mark my words" Lilith retreats through her portal, which Michelle treats the first time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 018: A Way Forward [Gremory]
"hello, gremory" "oh hello there jakey; have you come to bask in my unmatched evil glow-" "no i have not; i have come to ask what your plan is in regards to eleatrice being queen of hell" "oh yes, my brilliant plan; i am trying to form a blood pact with the demoness of rubber" "rubber? seriously?" "yes, since blood is thicker than water, my power over it is limited, and thus a blood pact should show that i'm ostensibly on the up and also the up" "there's a demoness of rubber now?" "yes, try and keep up please" "'oh, i have a flat tire, let me sacrifice my firstborn to the demoness of rubber to guide my vehicle home safely'" "JAKEY FOCUS" "no, this is stupid; why would anyone ever-" Jakey is immediately flattened by a giant rubber mallet. "oh hey there rubina" "is the prince of canada, who has ELECTRIC POWERS, really talking shit about the demoness of rubber?" "he always seemed kind of slow to me to be fair; he never appreciated my unparalleled brand of evil!!!" Gremory begins to laugh maniacally. "if we do this blood pact, you need to promise to stop doing that so much" "it is hard not to laugh when you are as evil as i am" Gremory begins to laugh maniacally again. "this is why no one ever teams up with you" Rubina leaves Gremory to her laughter as Michelle scrapes Jakey off the sidewalk with a giant spatula. He pops back to his regular size in short order. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 019: Think Inside the Box [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice i-" "jakey, how did you get in here" "i don't know? i just walked in" "the entrances have all been barricaded by the bussies union" "is that what those buses were doing outside? i hopped the fence" "WHAT. the wicked chateau's fences were designed to be un-hoppable!!!" "designed poorly then" "i'll need to have a word with that contractor" "so why is the busdrivers union parked outside all the entrances" "busara is protesting me until i place economic sanctions on canada, and i imagine your friend the king bran as well" "kb would never sanction canada; we're bros" "what happens when he needs milk and can't get outside to get some?" "he never leaves anyway, and his personal assistant is a genie" "that man is clearly who i need to talk to about my ruling techniques" "so are you going to place sanctions on canada?" "well busara has me a bit cornered; normally, i'd blow up her barricades, but she had the foresight to install rubber tires on her buses, which i am positively helpless against" "yeah i hear rubber tires come stock on cars now" "not in hell they don't; rubber of any kind is outlawed in hell, and i have trapped the demoness of rubber inside a volcano, following your example" "yeah about that - she escaped" "..." "..." "well that's terrifying" Eleatrice peers through the Wicked Chateau's blinds. "maybe i'll stay barricaded in here then; just to be safe" "what if rubina and busara team up and stage a coup" "thank you for giving me nightmares" "any time" Michelle attempts to hop the fence, but is thwarted by the fact that it is unhoppable. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 020: Congratulations, Everybody [Eleatrice]
"jakey good i need to thank you" "i didn't do anything to get rid of the buses outside if that's what you're talking about" "not directly, no; our talk inspired me to take greater precautions against rubber-based demonesses" "such as?" "i have enlisted the aid of acidella, the demoness of acid, and she melted all the rubber tires" "oh nice" "she's my new head of security, and all she asks in return is the ability to disintegrate one zombie in acid per day" "wow, that's really cheap" "i'll say; i was planning to dispose of the zombies anyway, so win-win" "not a fan of zombies?" "ever since lilith killed thombus, the zombies have been in shambles" "they've always been in shambles" "these shambles make those shambles look like proper decorum" "i'd hate to see it" "oh here's acidella now; great work out there assy" "please don't call me assy" "i'll work on it" Acidella extends her hand toward Jakey, indicating a wish for a friendly handshake. Jakey reciprocates, and the acid in Acidella's hand begins to melt Jakey's hand. "ow" "oh that one never gets old" Michelle walks over and dumps a large, squirming sack into Acidella's acid pit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 021: Winds of Change [Typhoon-Girl]
"hey gail, you've been properly evil for a while now, so how's it treating you" "wynne is the best boss i've ever had" "really?" "yeah, i thought that my boss when i was a cashier at walmart was nice, since she let me sleep on the cold cuts sometimes, but wynne is something else" "you slept on the cold cuts?" "you've never tried it? it's bliss" "and wynne gives you something better than bliss?" "ecstacy" "how so" "wynne provides for me fresh cold cuts to sleep on every night and every naptime" "that's a lot of cold cuts" "and if i get hungry in the middle of the night? the snack is right there, fresh and cold" "so what happens to the cold cuts after you sleep on them" "well a while back, i met this robotic hobo, and i felt really sorry for her, so all the used cold cuts go to her to eat or sleep on or whatever robotic hobos do really" "you and wynne are beginning to sound altruistic" "we balance it out by tipping over people's cars in the middle of the night so when they need to go to work in the morning, their cars are upsidedown" "that's rough" "their fault for not leaving enough time before work to walk there in case something weird happens" "fair enough i suppose, and there's always the magical taxi service" "yeah when the busdrivers union isn't striking" "right" Michelle slides down the road inside her upsidedown car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions/Robo-Hobo missions]

Mission 022: Cut from the Same Cloth [Typhoon-Girl]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE!!!" Gail is spiraling, with tears streaming down her face. "what happened" "i settled down for a nap and and my cold cuts?! they were WARM CUTS!!!" "oh no" "also, they were incredibly wet" "that's awful" "who could have done this?!" "the way i see it, seeing as how the warm cuts are positively drenched, there are two options, and one is far more likely than the other" "you're right, it's that awful river-girl" "she's a menace" "EX-CUSE ME?!" River-Girl appears from the bushes. "i am not a menace; that-that evil villain over there is the menace" "beck, listen: you are stalking your arch-enemy and sabotaging her attempts at happiness, and you even made her cry" "your point?" "you are clearly the villain" "pfft" "i'm calling up gremory" "wha-NO PLEASE" Jakey pulls out his phone, and River-Girl blasts it with the water dripping from the warm cuts. "it's waterproof" "oh no no no" Jakey dials up Gremory. "hey grem? i've got someone here who is positively creeping on your watery territory" "say no more" Gremory appears in a tidal explosion. "so, 'beck', you thought you could escape my gaze? i have spies everywhere, like good old jakey here" Gremory begins to laugh maniacally. "what have you done" "come, beck, you are now my thrall, and will help me to take over hell" Gremory and River-Girl disappear as Gremory laughs evilly. "that might have been going a bit too far" "eh, gremory probably won't survive the month" "we'll see, won't we" Gremory reappears, and drops off Michelle, the two of them cackling evilly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/River-Girl missions/Gremory missions]

Mission 023: A Lifelong Debt [Ilona]
"hey miss ilona i-" "you need a loan? you've come to the right place, kid" Ilona sleazily wraps her arm around Jakey and leads him into the vault. "we've got the crispest of fivers from wall to wall" The walls of the vault are lined with framed fivers, crisp as can be. "i've never seen so many crisp fivers in one place" "go ahead, take your pick, and we'll draw up a terms of loan contract" "oh um i'm not here for a loan" "oh" Ilona's arm unwraps itself from Jakey's shoulder. "what are you here for then" "i wanted to see if i could help collect loans since your loan collector is gone" "oh, sweet; put this on" Ilona slaps an ankle bracelet onto Jakey. "what's this for" "it detects when you obtain one of my crisp fivers, and it will explode if you don't return it within the day, or worse - spend it" Ilona shudders. "so who's the first on the list" "my oldest outstanding loan is a doozy - i lent out two whole crisp fivers AND a crisp tenner" "a tenner as well?! this must be a reputable borrower" "well, this was one of my first loans, back when i was just getting started" "so it's to a demoness" "yeah, sheraden flask, the demoness of law; good luck" "do you have an address or a last known location" "no good luck" Jakey grumbles under his breath and coincidentally finds Sheraden Flask across the street at the coffee shop, about to exchange a crisp fiver for a squash seasonèd latte. "miss flask, i am here on behalf of ilona from the adventures in debenture moneylender to collect your debt of two crisp fivers and one crisp tenner" "let's pull up the loan contract, shall we?" The loan contract appears in a puff of smoke. "miss ilona was clearly new at this when these terms were drawn up: 'the demoness sheraden flask agrees to pay back the debt of two crisp fivers and one crisp tenner within four years'" "yeah, and it's been over 900" "tut tut, it does not specify that those are earth years" "huh?" "a year is defined in this contract is the amount of time it takes the planet on which the borrower's primary residence is to revolve around the sun once" "yes, and earth has revolved around the sun over 900 times" "my primary residence is on pluto; i've still got eighty years with these crisp fivers and crisp tenner" "oh" "so see you in eighty years, debt collector man" Sheraden Flask flutters off, rubbing her crisp fivers together. Michelle walks up and orders a triple mocha espresso, hold the espresso. She receives three chocolate bars. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 024: The Sorrowful Borrowful [Ilona]
"you blew it jakey" "not yet; i've come up with a harebrained scheme" "fine, give me the QRD" Jakey gives Ilona the QRD, and a wry smile appears on her face. "go forth, my debt collector" Jakey puts the plan into motion, heading to the construction site where Candice is working. "how's it coming" "oh it's going great; we're almost done thanks to that poplar mine you let me into in canada" "well you bumped me to the top of the list so it was the least i could do" Candice finishes up the new house, and Natalie appears to list it on the market. "isn't that your lawyer" "i had her take real estate classes for this express purpose" "okay, fair" Soon, Sheraden Flask appears while Jakey hides in the bushes. "this is exactly what i'm looking for; poplar support beams, built-in tiki bar, and enough storage space for all my various chatchkis" "so you'll take it then?" "oh yes" Sheraden hands over a bundle of less-than-crisp cash, as cash de-crispens when it is bundled. Natalie rifles through the cash, and places it in her pocket before handing Sheraden the keys. "enjoy the house" "oh, i will" As Sheraden admires her new house, Jakey casually struts out of the bushes. "nice primary residence you've got there" "oh you silly silly man; the contract defines a primary residence as the home with the highest appraised value, and my house on pluto is worth double what i paid for this one" "APPRAISAL INSPECTION" "oh no" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board" "um that won't be necessary ma'am" "my bosses say otherwise" Ruth looks the house up and down. "this house is appraised incredibly poorly; it's clearly worth three times what it's appraised for" Ruth stamps a big "FAILED" onto the house, officially increasing its appraised value thricefold. Sheraden stands in incredulity. "fine you got me" Sheraden forks over two crisp fivers and a crisp tenner. "thank you muchly" Jakey heads back to the Adventures in Debenture moneylender, and hands over the loan. "i didn't think it would work" "but you let me try anyway?" "sometimes it's fun to see someone fail" Ilona unhooks the ankle monitors on Jakey and Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 025: The Fourth Law of Robotics [Irona]
"jakey did you know that people are making people out of metal now?" "yes, they are called robots" "robuts? weird name, i'd call them automatons" "i think the guy who invented robots was named sir robert bottingham" "oh so he did that pompous arrogant thing and named the thing he made after himself, like how professor ronald curling created the curling iron" "pretty much" "well no matter; i have recently found one of these automatons and made her my thrall" "oh that's the robo-hobo" "no longer!!! this automaton is now part of my hench!!! instead of begging for food and coins, miss hobeaux will now spread my iron will across the surface of this flat earth and perhaps beyond!!!" "king bran is going to be pissed" "let me stew in his anger; i'd like to see him declare war on me when all your human weapons are made of metal!!!" "that does give us a severe disadvantage when dealing with the demoness who controls metal" "indeed" "so what kind of will is the robo-hobo spreading" "well most recently i gave her a crisp twenner and had her spread my desire for a pepperoni pizza to sergio's" "oh i spread my desire for those all the time" "next, i may have her spread my desire for some chocolate chip cookies" Unable to read the room, Michelle walks up and sets down a plate of peanut butter cookies. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]