A Heavenly Thing (2027)

Mission 026: On the List [Victorrhea]
"head on in" The hospital's bouncer, Orianna, unlatches the velvet rope to allow Jakey entrance to the hospital. "hey victorrhea how's your hospital thing going" "well we worked out a deal with our corporate sponsors which allows panacea to have more modest sponsored clothing" Jakey looks over at Panacea, who is no longer hiding behind the curtains. "that does look more like a nurse's uniform" "but when you solve one problem, another always shows up" "that's my experience" "you know how everyone is clamouring to be on my exclusive guest list?" "i do?" "yes, i've become very popular lately" "okay, sure" "well, i have a LOT of applicants that are demonesses" "not a fan?" "they always seem to have some kind of ulterior motive, and i'm not good with overterior motives let alone ulterior ones" "so which demonesses are applying" "we've got busara, who wants me to publically place my support behind her union for bus-seeing? it's weird" "hard pass" "we've got ilona, who wants me to publically endorse her business, adventures in debenture" "i'm familiar" "and icelia wants me to say that her band is my favourite band live on camera" "is it?" "yes, but i feel weird being paid to say it" "anyone else?" "loads; sheraden flask wants to be my agent, and there's just a lot of demonesses who want to be my friend for one reason or another" "so what are you going to do about it" "i'm going to take a page from your book and do nothing, hoping that the situation will resolve itself" "smart" Michelle walks in and drops off a total load of applications from various demonesses. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions/Icelia missions]

Mission 027: A Step Too Far [King Bran]
"can you believe this shit jakey?! i had that robut custom-reprogrammed to solve our nation's homelessness problem, and some haughty demoness just up and makes her her thrall!!!" "i can certainly believe it" "well those demonesses have gone too far this time!!! i can handle mass killings of my constituents, i can handle turning my streets into a war zone, but kidnapping and brainwashing MY robo-hobo?! that is where i draw the line!!!" "i've never seen you so passionate about anything before" "without that beautiful robo-hobo, who will wash our windshields as we drive by? who will pick up our discarded aluminum cans? who will sleep on our benches and under our bridges?!" "no one" "that's right; it's time we take back our robo-hobo so she can continue to be a hero to us all!!!" "she seems happier with irona" "i will reprogram her to be more happy serving our people" "kb, why don't you just train some organic hobos? pay them a stipend to sleep on the benches and such" "are you kidding? that would require years of training and millions of dollars!!! what will we do in the meantime?! our windshields will be so filthy that car accidents will skyrocket!!! aluminum cans will pile up on the sidewalks!!! the benches will be cold and lonely!!! the pigeons will go unyelled at!!!" "so how do you plan to defeat a demoness who can control metal when all of our humanly weapons are made of metal?" "i'll just have jean do it; i'll bet she can kill a demoness or two and rescue our robo-hobo" "we'll see, won't we" Michelle walks in and empties out a sack of aluminum cans. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Irona missions]

Mission 028: A Clash of Steel [Jean]
"hey jean how are your new orders coming" "i'm expected to kill a demoness? and not even a minor demoness, but a full-fledged major one? one of the ones that embodies one of the thirteen deadly sins? she'll just come back in two years and we'll be in the same situation again" "well, that's life, isn't it? you eat, only to get hungry again later" "but the act of eating is pleasurable" "fair" "so i have decided to pretend i did the thing i was ordered to do" "smart" "i have magically created a new 'robo-hobo' but this time instead of being made of metal, it is made of wishes and dreams" "candice always told me that wishes and dreams made for terrible building materials" "in the hands of a human, sure, but i'm a genie; check this out" Jean waves her arms around, and a brand new Robo-Hobo appears. "i am so cold, despite my processors overheating" "if she's made of wishes and dreams, why does she have processors" "the processors are also made of wishes and dreams" "fair" "now i'll show her to kb" Jean teleports herself, Jakey, and the Robo-Hobo Mk II to the throne room. "good news kb; i've defeated irona and recovered for you the robo-hobo" "wow she's just how i remember" "please sir; can i have but a crumb of that muff in your hand" "oh take the whole thing, just this once" King Bran hands over his entire half-eaten blueberry muffin. "thank you so much kind sir" "no, thank you for all that you do" A single tear streams down King Bran's face. "now go, and spread your hoboliness all over this great nation" The Robo-Hobo Mk II exits the throne room. "good job jean; take the week off" "sweet thanks" Jean teleports off, but returns shortly with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Robo-Hobo Mk II missions/King Bran missions]

Mission 029: A Clash of Ideals [Jean]
"hey jean how's that week off coming" "interrupted" "really?" "kb said that if i solve one more issue, i can have the whole rest of the month off" "is it another demoness?" "busara, the demoness of public transportation" "i am familiar" "i'd hope so, considering how much she seems to be out to get you" "she reminds me of a used car salesman" "that's a good way to put it" "so how do you plan to get her to stop telling kb to impose economic sanctions on canada" "i'm surprised you knew of the problem already" "well it's my economy and i don't want it sanctioned" "fair enough; so the whole hullabaloo started when i teleported violet into a volcano-" "hey wait yeah THAT'S RIGHT; it was YOU who started all this" "and you're getting blamed for it so shut up and let me solve it" "fine" "so i will first extricate violet from within the volcano" Jean casts a spell, extricating Violet's remains from within the volcano. "i don't remember her having a big bullet wound in the middle of her forehead" "oh right my bodyguard used lethal force on her" "then why isn't she back as an undead" "probably something to do with the volcano you dropped her into" "i'll buy it but now we have a bigger problem" "just frame it as self-inflicted" "then busara will say you drove violet to suicide" "really? i can't trap women in volcanoes, i can't kill women myself, i can't have my bodyguard kill women, and now i can't drive women to suicide?! what the fuck can i do?!" "i'm going to ignore that; so now you have two options: 1: accept the consequences of your actions and the fact that a demoness will have all the leverage in the world against you" "that sounds bad" "2: use that weirdo resistance lady to resist violet's death" "and then we have ressie resist violet's memories of the last 13 months and maybe even of what a bus is" "you do realise that busara will just convert her back to the busdriver fold, right?" "i'll tell her it's a conspiracy" "might work" Jean calls up Resistance Leadour, and she resists not setting to work. "what happened where am i" "violet oh good; you've been comatose for thirteen months" "WHAT why?!" "the demoness of public transportation said you were getting too close to the truth, and placed a hit on you; don't believe any lies she may tell you" "i certainly won't!!! thanks jakey now i've got to go and figure out where i parked my trash can" "godspeed violet" Jakey salutes Violet as she exits the castle. "i hope that works" "i will resist its ability to not work" "thanks ressie you resist not being a peach" "speaking of peaches; i'm off for the rest of my month off" Jean leaves as Michelle walks up and places an armful of peaches on the counter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 030: New Friends [Noriko]
"hey noriko how's the homestead looking" "well the protest outside is over, which is nice" "i'll say; i can finally finish that bowl of cereal i started" "might want to hold off boss" "why?" "mary made a new friend" "oh good for her" "probably not" Confused by Noriko's last reply, Jakey opens Mary's desk drawer. "hello mary" "oh hello sir" "i hear you've made a new friend" "well um i would call her a friend per se" "tell me what happened" "okay sir so i found this lamp and inside was a genie right? so i remember that movie sir - aladdin; have you ever seen it sir?" "yes" "okay well sir proper etiquette is to use your third and final wish to free the genie right sir? but i always thought that was kind of rude sir - to take advantage of the genie's powers when she is your slave rather than to ask for a favour as a friend later right sir? so i used my FIRST wish to free the genie" "it was genevieve wasn't it" "how did you know sir?!" "because no one who's ever used the first two wishes genevieve grants would ever even consider freeing her" "i gathered that when she began to cackle evilly sir but by then it was too late" "so she's free now" "as a bird sir" "noriko, did either of the aladdin sequels have anyone un-free the genie" "no, everyone loved robin williams" "right, r.i.p." A moment of silence passes. "so we've got to innovate a technique then" "yeah good luck with that one; maybe if you made a deal with a demoness" "mary, search the redpages for a demoness of lamps or genies or imprisonment" "on it sir" "i'll check back in with you no less than twenty-five missions from now so no rush" "got it sir" Mary heads over to the redpages, as Michelle slams down her personal copy of the yellowpages. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions]

Mission 031: Safety First, as Well as Second [Special Agent Grace]
"grace what are you doing" "um nothing" "are those my fivers on the table in front of you?" "um no" "yes they are; what are you doing to my fivers?" "nothing" "that collection of fancy tools in front of you says otherwise" "um-" Jakey grabs one of his fivers from the table. "wha-WHAT DID YOU DO?!" "n-nothing" "this fiver is nowhere NEAR as crisp as it was last i saw it" "well um-" "have you been de-crisping my fivers?!" "your fivers are much too crisp; you could get a papercut" "de-crisping the fiver removes half its value!!!" "you're exaggerating; it's not like i'm making them soggy" "stay away from my fivers" "okay i'm done with those anyway; next up is the tenners" "NOT MY TENNERS!!!" Jakey snatches up all his money before it can be de-crisped. Michelle slaps down a bundle of soggy tenners on Grace's desk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 032: Convenience [Busara]
"hello busara" "hello" "not going to protest in my face?" "my protest no longer has any grounds; violet is out and about, and she does not recall a single thing and won't even talk to me" "strange" "yes, very; also strange is the fact that she is watching me from the bushes constantly" "yes, very" "almost as if someone wiped her memory and filled her head with lies" "that sounds more like a demoness thing than a prince of canada thing" "perhaps" "regardless, i've got a lot of backlogged transportation requests for my bussies, cabbies, and trixies, so i need to get back to directing traffic" "i'm sure i'll see you later busara" "count on it, and please, call me bus-like in appearance" "no thanks" "fine then, jakeyzekiel; ciao" Busara drives off in her long motorised vehicle, and Violet rolls up to Jakey. "hey jakey what was that long motorised vehicle busara just drove off in" "i think it's some kind of large limousine taxicab" "weird" "i'll say" Michelle drives up in her own long motorised vehicle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 033: The Law of Averages [Natalie]
"hey natalie; you about to take a case?" "yeah, i'm defending a goblin, which is essentially a free win to pad my resume" "really?" "yeah come watch" Jakey takes a seat in the gallery as the trial begins. "all right my name is ruth barlow, i'm from the inspection board, and i will be inspecting the evidence and testimonies in this trial of the demoness lilith vs gobigail linton; demoness lilith, your opening statement" "yes your honourable honour; i, lilith, am suing my employee gobigail linton for a reimbursement of payment i gave her to paint my fence, due to the fact that my fence remains unpainted, and the entire gallon of paint i had supplied went instead to painting the ground and gobigail's person" "defendant, your opening statement?" "i like painting" "that's it?" "white paint does not taste like milk" "plaintiff, why do you keep insisting on suing these goblins? they're clearly unfit to stand trial, and unfit for any of the tasks you command them to do; what do you even pay them anyway" "i pay them in the most valuable of currencies: exposure" "e-exposure" "yes" "exposure to fucking WHAT" "i told the reporter from modern fence painters weekly that there was a fence-painting prodigy and when she arrived to give gobigail the exposure i had arranged, she was painting everything BUT the fence" "had gobigail ever painted a fence before?" "no" "then why did you call up a magazine and inform them she was a prodigy" "i assumed she'd be prodigous" "you-you what" "i've met a lot of goblins in my time, and gobigail had that special twinkle in her eye; a true prodigy if ever i'd seen one" "a twinkle in her eye" "i found out later that she'd simply poured a can of glitter into her eye, but still: i put my reputation on the line for her and she delivered nothing in return" "lilith, please stop wasting the court's time with whatever it is you're hoping to accomplish" Ruth bangs her gavel. "case dismissed" "did i do a good job" Natalie startles awake. "uh yeah totally" "next up is the case of michelle vs little caesar; michelle, your opening statement" Michelle bangs the edge of her papers against the desk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gobigail missions]

Mission 034: Smoke 'em If You've Got 'em [Fubuki]
"so bookie, what's your whole deal as demoness of smoke" "i frequently ingest addictive chemicals so that those who inhale my constant smoky aura are addicted to my smoke, then i sell them vials of my smoke for inflated prices" "that makes total sense" "yeah, i made a killing back in the late 1800s when the teztec aliens invaded" "the who now?" "did you pay attention even once in history class?" "i guess not" "they were aliens who experienced health benefits from inhaling smoke" "weird" "also they didn't have legs and just floated around" "also weird" "so, want a smoke?" "um no" "i'll ask again in five minutes" Michelle walks up to Fubuki and hands her a crisp fiver, her hands shaking as she attempts to inhale all the smoke Fubuki radiates, and receives a vial in return. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 035: Unable to sorry [Fubuki]
"jakey do you know what this thing is that keeps following me around" "that's the robo-hobo" "she's a robut?" "yeah but she's highly advanced" "no matter how much i wear, still, i feel cold" "why is she following me around like a lost puppy" "the robo-hobo is realistic in every way; she has probably gotten addicted to your smoky aura" "well the robo-hobo will have to pay for vials of my smoke like everyone else" "programming directive updated" "uh-oh" "update: if this unit obtains money, the most important thing for it to obtain is that sweet sweet smoke" "great, now the robo-hobo has an addiction that she will prioritise over food and drink" "just the way i drew it up" Fubuki trades the Robo-Hobo a vial in exchange for her crispest fiver. "programming directive updated" "what now" "update: if this unit sees pigeons, the need to yell at them overrides all other processes" "oh god" "coo coo" "GODDAMN PIGEONS GET OUT OF HERE" The Robo-Hobo runs after the pigeons, yelling her head off. "i hope you're happy" "very" Michelle walks up wearing a giant pigeon costume. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 036: Avoiding Consequences [Piper]
"hey piper how's being an angel working out for you" "it's okay but my bosses have really been getting on my case lately" "the other angels giving you trouble?" "something like that" "well what are they harrassing you about" "you, mostly" "me?" "yeah as the newest angel, i'm supposed to um guide you toward your destiny, by which i mean the things my bosses want you to do" "of course; what do they want of me" "they want you to kill some demonesses" "that sounds difficult" "yeah i was against it but they're threatening to demote me to cherub" "well maybe i can kill one demoness to get them off your back for a while" "oh would you? that would be great; my bosses just don't like having all thirteen major demonesses alive at the same time" "oh, it has to be a major demoness? i wanted to kill busara" "i mean, i'm not stopping you, but my bosses were pretty clear about wanting you to kill major demonesses" "i'll figure something out the next time i meet with a major demoness" "thanks; it would mean a lot" Michelle appears to also guide Jakey toward his destiny. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 037: Order in the Court [Odilia]
"hey odilia how's court wizarding going for you" "i forgot all my spells so i have to reteach myself how to do magic" "ouch" "i just hope lilith doesn't ask for any magicks because i have no hope of accomplishing those" Lilith busts into the room. "hey odie i need a magick from you" "um great; lay it on me" "i need my goblin workforce to sign these workforce documents, but they keep drawing on them with crayon, so i need you to magickally forge their signatures; i'll be back in an hour, ciao" Lilith drops a large stack of papers on the floor and makes her exit. "jakey do you know any master forgers" "no, but the members of my social circle frequently impress me - and depress me - by exhibiting talents i wasn't aware they had" "well make some calls; we've got one hour here" Jakey dials up acquaintence after acquaintence, but none of them know how to forge a document. Eventually, he calls up Mary. "sir i'm still looking through the redpages-" "no no i need to know if you know anyone who can forge documents" "oh yeah totally sir; the greatest forger in the world is a pixington" "great; give me an address" Mary does just that, and Odilia and Jakey teleport away to the address given. "where is it? i don't see-" Odilia jams her shin on the forger's house, which is appropriately dollhouse-sized. "ow" Jakey lays down on the road and gives the house a knock. "put it in the slot" "huh?" "the document you want forged" "well um there's a huge stack" "of course" The pixington forger flies out of her chimney and eyeballs the giant stack of documents. "you do realise that this would take me at least five years of nonstop work to do right?" "uh we need to get these done in the next forty minutes" "i'm going back inside now" The pixington attempts to fly away, but Odilia snatches her out of midair, almost crushing her in her ironfisted orcish grip. "ow ow ow ow ow" "you know, i believe i remember one magick now" Odilia casts a magick, banishing the forger and the documents to their own pocket dimension, where time flows differently. Every five minutes of real time that passes, a year of time passes in the pocket dimension. Odilia and Jakey return to the Sinful Manse, and watch television for half an hour before Odilia reopens the portal. The documents are all forged, and the forger slowly flutters out of the portal before collapsing on the ground. Lilith slams the door open, then steps forward, crushing the forger beneath her boot. "are my documents ready" "totally" "thanks odie; you're all right" Lilith takes her documents and leaves the forger lying crushed on the floor. "um" "i can fix this" "yeah i might need a forger again" Jakey peels the forger off the floor with a spatula and carries her to the hospital. Kathy sits behind the reception desk, blowing bubbles with her gum and playing on her GameBoy. "what is the purpose of your visit" "i've got a critically injured pixington here" "hmm" Kathy eyeballs the pixington, and pulls her wallet out of her pocket. She jots down the name on the pixington's ID and steals the pixington's money. "put her on the gurney; i'll get a doctor in eventually" "thanks" "uh-huh" Kathy returns to her GameBoy, and Jakey sneaks a peak at the medical documents. Michelle is wheeled out of the operating room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 038: A Strange Buzzing [Odilia]
"jakey can you help me out? there's a bee in here or something and it's driving me crazy" "I AM NO MERE BEE!!! I AM A SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE!!!" "okay there's a tiny annoying spirit of vengeance in here and it's driving me crazy" Jakey grabs a jar off the shelf and traps the tiny annoying spirit of vengeance inside. "FOOLISH MORTAL!!! YOU DO NOT KNOW WHOM YOU HAVE CROSSED TODAY!!!" "i cross a lot of people; be more specific" "my name is chloe; i am a pixington spirit of vengeance!!! i shall avenge every pixington who falls beneath the crushing heel of you humans and orcs!!!" "nice cleaver" "thanks; i'm planning to use it to cleave your flesh" "but you're trapped in that jar" "yeah um could you like let me out? and stuff?" "no thanks" "damn" "so chloe; tell me your story" "i was cut in half by a machine during the industrial revolution and became a wight; i have since devoted my life to avenging pixingtons who have had misdeeds done to them" "then where were you when sophia was torturing mary?" "i um can't be everywhere at once" "every pixington in the world was hiding out in sophia's apartment at the time" "um no comment" "you're a pretty shit spirit of vengeance" "yes, i know, thanks; i'm trying my best here" Jakey drops the jar out a window, then shuts the window. The jar shatters, freeing Chloe, but she can't get inside any more. "i would have just killed her" "she's a wight; an unkillable spirit of vengeance" "i'd have found a way to at least make her wish she was dead" Michelle rolls into the room, trapped inside a jar. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 039: A Real Team Player [Octavia]
"hey octavia how's the orcish basketball team going" "i quit" "why? they finally promoted you to first string" "they kept trying to get me to wear platform shoes and stilts; they do not value my contributions as they are" "fair enough i suppose" "and orelie kept always introducing me as the shortest orc which she knows gets me upset" "so back to gravedigging?" "i like to pretend each grave i dig is orelie's or any other orc who made fun of my height" "that's healthy" "yes; when i die, i plan to become an orcish wight and be an unkillable spirit of vengeance so i can wreak my vengeance upon everyone in a socially acceptable manner" "why wait? you can do it now" "then people will make fun of me for letting everything get under my craw; no thanks, i'm going to play the long game" "what if everyone you want vengeance on is dead by that time" "i will extract my vengeance on their children" "oh smart" Michelle brings over Octavia's high school year book, which was signed by Eleatrice at the book signing, and shows off Octavia's superlative. "most likely to shoot up a school" "no comment" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 040: A Murder Most Foul [Echidna]
"hey echidna how's the demoness life going" "oh it's great; i recently put snakecharmers at strategic locations around the major cities in case i need to envenom someone" "cool cool; hey what's that over there?" A shadowy figure pushes a boulder off the edge of a cliff, sending it hurtling toward Echidna. "not again" Echidna quickly slithers out of the way of the boulder which would have otherwise crushed her. "thanks for the quick noticing jakey; i can't believe terraphina would try to off me like that" "never met her" "well she is simply the worst; she could never best me mano a mano so she resorts to trickery?! well i am going to retaliate" "go get her echidna" Echidna disappears, then reappears in short order. "the deed is done" "terraphina is dead?" "yes; she denied her involvement, but i could see through her lies" "well that means that the thirteen major demonesses are no longer all alive" "yeah we never seem to all be alive for long; always backstabbing and sometimes even frontstabbing eachother" "well i'm glad someone i never met before died instead of you" "thanks jakey that means a lot" Michelle runs over to the scene, still wearing her boulder-pushing gloves. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 041: Melodious Intentions [Melody]
"oh jakey there you are; did you get lost? i know icelia told you to spy on me" "i had some things to take care of" "well i've been waiting all this time so as to not start without you" "start what" "building my band of course; i'm going to be on keyboards" "you're not going to sing?" "oh, i have a grander plan for singer; BEHOLD!!!" Melody snaps her fingers, warping herself and Jakey into Scarlett's bathroom. "♫everytime i leave, you say you won't be there♫" "hello" "RIBOFLAVIN RIBOFLAVIN" "hello miss scarlett; my name is melody, and i am the demoness of music" "oh no" "oh yes; i would like you to sing in my band" "i'll pass" "that wasn't a request; it was a demand" "do your worst" "fine; i believe i shall" Melody snaps her fingers. "go on, restart your jolly tune" . "♭♫everytime i leave, you say you won't be there♫♭" "..." "..." "why would you do this to me" "sing in my band or you'll be flat for the rest of your life" "fine" Scarlett signs the contract, and her voice is returned to normal. "see you at the show, scarlett" Melody disappears in a puff of smoke. "i hate my life" Michelle walks into Scarlett's bathroom carrying her rubber ducky, but sees that the bath is occupied. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 042: Nefarious Intentions [Melody]
"so who's next on your musical shopping list" "well icelia's band has the second-, third-, and fourth-greatest female guitarists in it, so i of course need the single greatest" "good idea; maybe you'll distract her from how mad at me she is" "what did you do to her" "i refused to give her back her permit-printing permit to avoid her printing a going mad with power permit" "i'm sorry i asked" "here; you'll need this" Jakey hands Melody a teleporation permit, and she rolls her eyes. "whatever" Melody snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey teleport to the park. "where's your teleportation permit" "here" "fair enough; what do you want" "i am melody, the demoness of music, and you are going to join my band" "no" "yes" "i said no" "fine, then i will place a curse on you" "do you have a cursing permit" Jakey uses his permit-transfer permit to transfer a cursing permit to Melody. "carry on" Melody snaps her fingers, and all of Julia's guitars turn into ukuleles. "WHAT." "if you don't join my band, every guitar you ever touch will be transformed into a ukulele" "you just HAD to give her that cursing permit didn't you?!" "she would have done it anyway" "you're probably right" Julia signs her contract and her guitars return to their original forms. "see you at the show, julia" Melody disappears in a puff of smoke. "i hate my life" Julia presents a hating my life permit while Michelle plunks away on a ukulele. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 043: Typical Intentions [Melody]
"anyone else on the list?" "every band needs a good logo" "indeed" "so i am hiring sabrina sable, the greatest logo designer in the world" "she'll actually love that" "not the way i do it" "huh?" Melody snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey teleport to the Twilit Forest. "hello there brinie" "hello" "i'd like to hire you to make me a logo" "i like fonts" "indeed; so i would like you to sign this contract to make me a logo" "i like writing on business paper" "okay so i need a logo in a mix of comic sans and papyrus, with vibrant, clashing colours" "i like colours" "that's the spirit; see you at the battle of the bands jakey" Melody teleports away, leaving just Jakey and Gobrina. While Gobrina designs the logo, Sabrina Sable herself enters the area. "oh jakey what a surprise; what's up" "gobrina just signed a major contract to design a band logo" "oh lucky" "not really" "is it a demoness contract" "yeah, she wants a mix of comic sans and papyrus, with vibrant, clashing colours" Sabrina violently throws up in the bushes. "dodged a bullet there" "it's lucky she mistook gobrina for you" "extremely, except i think this might instill some bad habits in gobrina and counteract the years of training" "better than making you want to kill yourself" "i suppose" Michelle holds up a sign written in beautiful papyrus and comic sans, causing Sabrina to throw up again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 044: Scholarly Pursuits [Orelie]
"hello and welcome back to the broadcast; i'm orelie leavitt, and my guest today is the world's foremost goblin scholar? is this a typo? no? a goblin scholar? really? her name is gobitha lindin; gobitha, hello" "hello old chap; i am simply chuffed to meet you" "um yes; so gobitha, it says here you recently wrote an award-winning thesis?" "hmm yes; my thesis was on glossal science; the science of licking" "licking?" "quite; i've noticed in my worldly pursuits that non-goblins seem to never stop and lick the roses, so to speak" "roses have thorns" "tis a metaphor, my good woman; all we goblins learn at a young age not to lick roses, tis the fruits of our generations of experience as a species" "fair enough i suppose" "the world is full of many unique flavours that one can never experience if one never puts his or her tongue out there; everytime i enter a new room, i am sure to lick the walls to learn as much as i can about the history of that area; the tongue can learn things the eyes and ears cannot" "that sounds extremely gross" "indeed; the flavours of the average wall are less than stellar, but the knowledge gained is worth a temporary bad taste in one's mouth, and that problem is something easily solved by a mint; speaking of, would you like to have one of mine?" "um thanks" "don't mention it, my dear girl; the experienced glossal explorer always carries enough for both a mansion's worth of rooms and a bout of halitosis" "that's um all we have time for" "oh rot; i was just getting to the meat of the matter" "coming up next is the michelle show, where michelle will show us her recipe for the perfect chicken cacciatore" Michelle panics, having accidentally prepared a recipe for chicken alfredo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gobitha missions]

Mission 045: The Things I've Seen [Lilith]
"hey lilith did you catch the recent broadcast?" "with gobitha?" "yeah; she seemed so sophisticated" "yeah i bet you didn't even notice that what she was saying was completely fucking stupid" "i almost didn't" "that's what putting a goblin through ten years of college will do" "what was the hope with doing that" "that she'd stop being dumb as a sack of bricks" "well it worked; now she's dumb as a college-educated sack of bricks" "a hundred grand well-spent" "it went better than your attempts to create a goblin hivemind" "to be fair, i had only heard the term once before when i tried that" "you glued a bunch of goblins to a beehive" "they enjoyed it" "only because they are incapable of feeling pain" "that's untrue; they can feel pain on their tongues" "you've got me there" Jakey hands Lilith back her debate champion trophy. "thank you muchly" Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him her 'taking Michelle home' trophy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 046: You Are the Boss of Me [Wynne]
"hey wynne; gail told me that you're the best boss she's ever had" "really? that's sweet" "so i was wondering: you're evil, right?" "last i checked" "most of the evil demonesses i've met don't treat their employees/thralls very well" "and that is why they will all fail while i rise to the top; treat your friends/allies like family, and they will not hesitate to crush your enemies like ants" "and who exactly are your enemies?" "the post lady" "huh what" "i bet you didn't know this, but i have started my own package delivery service" "i did not" "everyone loves that post lady, and it makes me sick; my way of delivering packages is much cooler" "how does it work" "you give me your package, and i create a gust of wind specifically targetted at its destination; delivering the package cleanly, efficiently, and quickly" "that does sound pretty cool" "for example, you have a package i just received for you, and i could just hand it to you, or you could GO LONG!!!" Jakey goes long, and Wynne hurls his package at him. Inside is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Typhoon-Girl missions]

Mission 047: Enthralling [Robeaux Hobeaux]
"so robeaux, tell me: what's it like being a thrall" "it's the best thing that ever happened to me" "really?" "i no longer feel cold for just existing, my hunger is always satiated, and i am provided with a number of different benches to sleep on; irona is simply the best" "better than all the rest?" "indeed" "so what kind of will have you been spreading" "yesterday, irona told me to destroy every tree i see from now on so that people will be forced to make structures out of metal instead of wood" "but if you destroy all the trees, there will be nothing left to breathe our out-breathe and turn it into in-breathe" "i'm sure you humans will come up with something to breathe; as a demoness and a robut, irona and i are not at all fussed" "i liked you better when you were the robo-hobo" "yes, now you'll have to pick up your own aluminum cans" "yeah it sucks" "not my problem any more; i am a valued thrall to someone who won't reprogram me when i try to get ahead" "fine, enjoy your life, if you can call it that" "i believe i shall; good day" Robeaux Hobeaux turns and returns to her life, probably never to be seen again. Michelle turns and returns to her life, definitely to be seen again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 048: Unthralling [River-Girl]
"so beck, tell me: what's it like being a thrall" "it's the worst thing that ever happened to me" "really?" "gremory is just the worst" "at least your hair isn't blue any more" "BUT AT WHAT COST?!" "your freedom and ability to make any sort of decision for yourself" "exactly; i am feeling very betrayed by you" "really?" "i thought you were my friend" "i just wanted you to stop picking on gail" "well her stupid pink jacket should stop picking on my retinas" "beck" "i am not the only one who hates that jacket and you know it" "whatever; do you really hate being a thrall so much?" "yes i just want to go back to not being one" "fine; hey gremory come over here" "what's up jakey" Jakey shoots Gremory between the eyes, killing her for two years. "it was that easy?" "yeah and you even get to keep the blonde" "but i'll be a thrall again when she comes back in two years" "we'll ford that river when we get to it" "fine fine" Michelle walks up and pops Gremory's corpse a few more times, for good measure. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/NOT Gremory missions]

Mission 049: Wondrous Advances in Technology [River-Girl]
"hey beck come with me; i've got a gift for you to apologise for the whole thrall thing once and for all" "okay, i'll forgive you if this present is something i actually want" Jakey and River-Girl enter Arabella's factory, where new technological innovations are developed every day of the week, except for Thursdays. "hey arabella, have you completed the concoction yet" "yes, all that beck needs to do is imbibe it" "woah woah woah i'm not imbibing any experimental new innovative concoction made by a woman in a pink jacket until i have a vague idea of what it's supposed to do" "this concoction, when imbibed, will make the imbiber unable to see pink jackets" "sold" River-Girl imbibes the hell out of the experimental concoction. "did it work" "i can't see arabella's pink jacket any more" "oh sorry i took it off because it's a bit stuffy in here" "oh" Jakey holds up a photograph of Gail. "is that typhoon-girl? i almost don't recognise her without her pink jacket" "it's a success!!!" "technology is incredible" "i'll say" Michelle walks in, wearing nothing but a long, closed pink jacket. River-Girl's face turns a deep crimson. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Arabella missions]

Mission 050: I Can See Clearly Now [River-Girl]
"hey beck, gail; getting along?" "yes, now that i can't see that hideous pink jacket-" "ahem" "that regular pink jacket, gail and i can be cordial" "extremely cordial" "that's nice" "yeah it's a huge relief-OH NO" "what" "THE PINK JACKET!!! IT'S BACK!!!" "oh no" "BRB!!!" River-Girl runs off, and returns shortly with a case full of concoctions. "i will imbibe these daily and then i won't ever have to see that hideous-" "AHEM" "that regular pink jacket ever again" "that's the regular spirit" Michelle walks up in her regular manner. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]