A Heavenly Thing (2027)

Mission 101: With a Purpose [Veralyn]
"so veralyn-" "please don't break my legs~!!!" "i'm not here for that" "oh" "i wanted to know more about how you became a vampire" "well after i watched a ton of gwendolyn streams, i decided i wanted to be more like her; she is just the coolest, right?" "right" "so i decided to become a vampire; i looked up online where they all hang out and i found this website where vampires organise meetups and such and i infiltrated one; they caught me of course since i could not contain my excitement at being around so many vampires, and i begged them to bite me and make me one of them and they did it and life's been good ever since" "you've been paying your evil taxes, right?" "what" "the queen of hell takes eighty percent of your profits as a videogames streamer and uses them to further her evil ways back in hell" "i um did not know that" "and there's nothing eleatrice hates more than a tax evader" "do you have an address where i can go to set up the payment plan" "yeah just a second" Jakey writes down the Wicked Chateau's address. "ask for hayden; she'll sort you out" "thanks; so i'm legally evil now?" "yes, all undead are" "that's not fair; just because vampires are dead and really cool doesn't mean we're evil" "take it up with eleatrice; i'm sure she'll make you never want to say that again" "i'll um get going" "good idea" Veralyn sprints out the door, rightfully scared of Eleatrice's wrath. Michelle sprints in the door, making Jakey rightfully scared of her wrath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 102: Secret, Secret; I've Got a Secret [Odilia]
"hey odilia you look frustrated" "because i am frustrated; lilith's favourite energy supplement, crimson bovine, has been discontinued, and she wants me to conjure more, but i can't conjure more if i don't have the secret formula" "didn't lilith die once from drinking too many energy supplements?" "she's since learned moderation; to hear her say it, the wild west was an embarrassing time for everyone" "hmm" "either way, lilith's goblin spies have reported that eleatrice has a copy of the secret formula" "serendipity; you want to kill eleatrice, lilith wants the secret formula" "yeah no; orcs can resist a lot of types of damage, but electricity is not one of them" "wear a rubber suit" "do i look like a gigantic pussy to you?" "yes, what with the way you're avoiding going out to kill your most hated adversary" "no no, this has to be a tactical plan; i didn't disgrace my orcish heritage by learning magic for nothing" "so what's your tactical plan then" "you're friends with eleatrice right?" "are you implying that i play both ends against the middle?" "yes, because you do; you act as a sounding board for every cute girl you meet, then let them resolve their own problems so you can say you always believed in the winner" "i'm hurt by that completely accurate assessment of my character" "regardless, i want you to use your friendship with eleatrice to copy down that secret formula and give it to me" "but-" "you're the one with the electricity resistance and the dumb healing powers; this is your show" "but-" "eventually, you will have to decide whether you are loyal to eleatrice or lilith" "i'm not going to decide that over a fucking energy drink; they all taste terrible" "yes, we all know you subsist almost entirely on a diet of cereal, mountain dew, and witches brew" "it's all you need" Just then, Michelle enters the room carrying a large bottle of witches brew. "oh great here's your excuse to leave forever and not return until someone arbitrarily mentions my name" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 103: Don't Wanna Wait 'til You Know Me Better [Octavia]
"hey octavia how are you feeling after that experiment went awry" "i'm mostly okay, but i have this strange urge to lick everything i see" "have you made any new glossal discoveries?" "what" "have you licked anything new and exciting" "no, i've been trying to repress those thoughts the same way i do with the ones that tell me to murder all the other orcs when they call me short" "if you try to repress too many things, eventually one will bubble to the surface, and it probably won't be the licking one" "fine i'll lick something weird" "be sure to savour the flavour; you could be the next doctor of glossology" "i don't want to be the next doctor of weird tongue stuff" "the world's foremost expert of glossology has been diagnosed with trench tongue; she needs a successor" "t-trench tongue?! what the hell?!" "don't worry, licking one strange object won't give you trench tongue" "i don't know what 'trench tongue' is, but i know i want to avoid it at all costs" "it only lasts a year" "yeah no; stop talking about tongues, trench or otherwise" "the secrets of glossology may be lost to the world forever at this rate" Inspired by Jakey's devotion to finding a true glossal understudy for Gobitha, Michelle licks a lamp post, getting her tongue stuck. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 104: A Disappointment for the Ages [Gobigail]
"hey gobigail how are you holding up" "i am sad" "why" "lilith had the new girl paint over my fresca" "oh right" "and she didn't even do as good a job as me" "how so?" "i mixed fresca into my paint so that when you lick the fresca, it would taste like fresca" "did you inform lilith of this" "i tried but she wouldn't listen" "have you tried licking the new fresca" "yes and it tastes like paint" "oh" "and not even the good kind, with the lead" "lead paint tastes better than the new kind?" "yes, why do you think babies scape walls and cribs to eat it" "i always just thought they were stupid" "babies have wisdom that is lost as we age" "i'll take your word for it" "you need to eat more lead paint, then you will understand" "i'll pass" Michelle walks up, carrying a bucket of lead paint. Gobigail immediately takes a swig. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 105: A Form You Lack [Siobhan]
"hey sioby; nice framed secret formula" "thanks; on the way here, i also stole the last truckload of crimson bovine energy supplements and have been selling them for a cool ten million each" "sounds like you've got it all figured out" "well i'm rich now but i'm not really any closer to my true goal" "yeah and if one of the many crimson bovine fanatics finds your secret hideout, you are absolutely fucked" "the only person who has ever found my secret hideout is you, and that's only because you have that cute girl detector that tracks my position via satellite" "your hideout's entrance isn't exactly subtle; jyou have a big neon sign that says 'bonnie's place'; the only reason people don't immediately find you is because no one associates you with the name bonnie" "yes yes, i know you all believe i am a sioby; this just means that if i get caught, it is because someone finally recognised my bonnieness" "so you're safe for life then" "probably, yeah" Siobhan sighs. "you know, the golden rule is 'treat others as you yourself would like to be treated' so maybe i should just call everyone bonnie" "please don't; the last time someone kept calling me a wrong name, the canadian secret service took her out" "when was this?" "middle school; she found out that my name is short for 'jakeyzekiel' and she kept calling me 'zekey'" "she was killed for that?" "after several threats; first were the threatening messages, then they killed her parents, but she still wouldn't listen" "you killed her parents?!" "i did no such thing; the canadian secret service takes royal protocol very seriously" "but i've heard people call you 'kid' and even 'retard' all the time" "no one thinks 'retard' is my actual name; the only actual name a jakey is allowed to be called is just that; the full form of the name is reserved for only certain uses, and diminutives may NOT be made of the back half, due to it only existing as a way for historians to point to a single jakey rather than just the current, most relevant one" "okay okay i think i get it" "again, i have nothing to do with the horrible, grisly murders; i have never even met a member of the secret service" "really?" "it's a secret; if i accidentally meet a member of the secret service, she is bused down to special service" "ouch" "it's basically the same thing, but i get to boss my special agents around directly" "oh, just like your sister is able to boss you around directly" "what? she doesn't boss me around; i worry after her, and gladly accept her requests to take her home, as it is the only place i can be sure she is safe" "uh-huh" Michelle walks up, blood on her hands after someone learned that her name is short for 'Michelleizabeth', and insisted on calling her 'Lizzy'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 106: A Strange Decision [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo have you decided on a new career path yet" "i just graduated from the police academy and am going to be a cop on the night beat" "what." "listen, over the past five-hundred-odd years, i've been many things; may as well try cop" "fair enough" "the chief has paired me up with a human cop, which i'm sure will produce hilarious results" "give me the QRD on this human cop" "her name is miranda wright; she's been on the force for a year, but ever since crimson bovine shut down, she has been unable to keep up her energy into the night" "sounds about right" "hello gwendo~!!! i'm here for our first day as police partners~!!!" "her high-energy personality perfectly contrasts your no-energy personality, gwendo" "joy" "okay gwendo~!!! let's start by investigating that suspicious dark alley~!!! WEE WOO WEE WOO~!!!" "i hope she doesn't always do that" "AUGH~!!! HELP GWENDO~!!! I'M BEING MUGGED~!!!" "i'm tempted to do nothing" "do you really want a citation on your first day?" "fine fine" Gwendolyn trudges into the alley to witness Miranda being mugged by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 107: Plugging the Mugging [Gwendolyn]
"so how was your first night" "i got a commendation for rescuing miranda from that mugger" "you didn't do anything though" "not to hear miranda tell it; she gave me the most glowing review i'd ever heard" "maybe she won't be so bad as a partner" "doubtful" "hello gwendo~!!! thanks for saving me last night~!!! this time, i have taken extra precaution and worn my anti-mugging riot gear~!!!" "you're wearing riot gear to a routine patrol" "can never be too careful gwendo~!!! now i'm going to go check out that suspicious guy in the trenchcoat~!!! WEE WOO WEE WOO~!!!" "it appears she always does that" "fun" "AUGH~!!! HELP GWENDO~!!! I AM BEING FLASHED~!!!" "use your pepper spray" "I CAN'T~!!! SHE'S GOT DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY~!!!" Gwendolyn sighs and trudges into the alley to witness Miranda being flashed by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 108: Dashing the Flashing [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo did you get another commendation" "yes, i will need to build a shelf for all of these commendations i've got lying around" "she may be a drain on your personality, but miranda certainly makes your abilities as a cop look good" "i thought this job would be more 'eat donuts, twirl billy club' and less of my partner trying to get herself killed" "hello gwendo~!!! thanks for saving me last night~!!! this time, i am wearing a blindfold so i cannot be stunned by any duplicitous flashers~!!!" "how will you see where you're going if-" "let's go check out that blindingly dark alley~!!! clearly the power's been cut by evildoers~!!! WEE WOO WEE WOO~!!!" "i don't think a lack of energy supplements is her problem; she needs brain supplements" "AUGH~!!! HELP GWENDO~!!! I'M BEING ATTACKED~!!!" Gwendolyn looks over to see that Miranda ran straight into a wall, and can't get up due to lying on her riot gear. "HELP~!!! I'VE BEEN PINNED DOWN~!!!" Gwendolyn sighs and helps Miranda up. While their backs are turned, Michelle takes down the temporary wall she'd erected. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 109: Stalling the Walling [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo; did you get promoted" "yeah three commendations in three days automatically promotes you to detective i've learned" "nice; so what are you going to do as a detective" "same thing you do: meander around and generally solve nothing; take some side gigs, you know" "what about miranda" "she's got a new partner now; a hot young thing straight out of the police academy" "oh yeah?" "yeah i think it's your sister" "makes sense; she always was a law and order type" "i'm more of a CSI fan myself" Miranda hops up to Gwendolyn, her hands and legs both cuffed. "oh hi gwendo~!!! my new partner um played a prank on me~!!! can i get some help here please~!!!" "sorry i'm off-duty" "oh well maybe later then~!!!" Michelle walks up to Jakey and slaps a pair of handcuffs on him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 110: She's Been Living in Her Uptown World [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice how's being queen of hell going" "easy and breezy; just like the devil intended" Just then, the big screen turns on on its own. "hayden are you possessing the tv again" "no ma'am" "then-" The television begins to speak. "OH YEAH!!! YOU JABRONI DEMONESSES BETTER BE SCARED BECAUSE THE QUEEN OF THE GODS IS GOING TO BE LAYING THE SMACKDOWN THIS SATURDAY AT WRESTLEFEST CXII!!! SEE THIS BELT, JABRONITRICE? REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME A DEMONESS TRIED TO TAKE IT?! CRACKED THAT LILITH LIKE AN EGG!!! LIKE!!! AN!!! EGG!!! I'VE PARKED OLYMPUS TO THE WEST OF MOJAVISTAN SO COME AND GET ME!!! OH YEAH!!!" "i hate it when hera tries to be a heel; she's so bad at it" "um can i get a QRD" "hera is the queen of the gods on olympus; she hates when the demonesses get too much power and she comes down to smack us around a bit" "has she ever beaten jezzie?" "pfft; she's never even challenged jezzie" "huh?" "she knows jezzie would pound her into the pavement, so she only picks on the other demonesses, but with jezzie doing her little babyface act, she thinks she can stomp all over us" "so are you going to pull jezzie back to being evil?" "what? no; i like being queen of hell" "then what are you going to do" "i am going to cheat" "oh nice" Michelle walks up, wearing her own title belt. "OH YEAH!!! YOU JABRONI PRINCE OF CANADA BETTER TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 111: I Bet She's Never Had a Backstreet Guy [Lilith]
"hey lilith; i have come with a message from eleatrice" "really now" "did you see hera's announcement?" "hera is back?!" "yeah, let me play you the part that may be of interest to you" "REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME A DEMONESS TRIED TO TAKE IT?! CRACKED THAT LILITH LIKE AN EGG!!! LIKE!!! AN!!! EGG!!!" "oh come on i only lost that match because her biggest fan, that damned perseus, petrified me using medusa's head" "that's hardly sporting" "oh i'd love another crack at that haughty olympian" "well eleatrice wants you to be her tag-team partner" "what." "the fans would love it" "who would take custody of the title belt? it can't be in both hell and gomorrah" "i don't know, but i do know that it wouldn't be in olympus" "that is too good of a deal to pass up" "exactly; next mission: wrestlefest CXII" "you know it; now what was my gimmick again? 'the pancake chef' was back in the 1200s, so who was i in the 90s again?" Michelle jumps off the top rope and delivers a deadly slam onto Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hera missions]

Mission 112: I Bet Her Mama Never Told Her Why [Hera]
"hello and welcome to wrestlefest CXII; i am your host, orelie leavitt, and today is the highly-publicised match-up of hera, queen of the gods, vs eleatrice, queen of hell" "OH YEAH!!!" "shut up hera; no one believes you as a heel" "fine, just know that regardless of the storyline, you demonesses are 0-111" "sounds like it's time for a shake-up; ratings are down, after all" "fat chance; the people come here to see me, the queen of the-" "TIMBER!!!" Just then, Lilith leaps in from the side with a hard elbow to the head of Hera. "BAH GOD!!! FROM OUT OF NOWHERE COMES LILITH, STRAIGHT OUT OF THE 90s WITH HER 'LUMBERING JACK' PERSONA!!!" "you could have two demonesses or two-thousand, it does not matter" "hey hera; check out what i bought at auction in 2003" Lilith pulls out Medusa's head, turning Hera to stone. Lilith leaps from the turnbuckle and drops down hard onto Hera's petrified form, shattering her to pieces. "LIKE!!! AN!!! EGG!!!" The crowd erupts into cheers for Lilith. Eleatrice just kind of stands around, having done nothing. "AND THE NEW CHAMPION, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A HUNDRED WRESTLEFESTS, IS LILITH, THE LUMBERING JACK!!!" Ruth, the official Wrestlefest inspector, raises Lilith's arm to the sky, and hands her the title belt. Eleatrice takes this opportunity to tackle Lilith to the ground, and uses her electrical powers to do her signature move: the double nelson. "timber" "BAH GOD!!! I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THAT ELEATRICE WAS EVEN HERE!!! THE LUMBERING JACK HAS BEEN FELLED HERSELF!!!" "SINGLE; DOUBLE; TRIPLE; PIN!!!" "that was dirty as hell; i respect it" Eleatrice takes the title belt off of Lilith, but Lilith had used her fire powers to superheat it, burning Eleatrice's hands. "BAH GOD!!! IS THAT THE 'SPICY TITLE BELT' TRICK?! THIS HAS BEEN A WRESTLEFEST FOR THE AGES!!!" Eleatrice proudly puts on the title belt, bringing glory and honour back to Hell. That is, until Michelle storms the ring, performing a triple axle double salchow, and pinning Eleatrice to the ground. "SINGLE; DOUBLE; TRIPLE; PIN!!!" Michelle tears off the title belt and proudly afixes it to her body, bringing glory and honour back to Canada. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 113: I'm Gonna Try for an Uptown Girl [Eleatrice]
"well all's well that ends well, right, eleatrice?" "yeah, i can't be mad at michelle; she's one hell of a competitor" "indeed" "the important thing is that hera is vanquished, and won't come back for another two years" "and i imagine there's some sort of election to determine the new queen of the gods" "yeah, the olyction; there hasn't been one of those in several millennia, so i expect the five olympians that step forward will be the best of the best" "it never ends, does it?" "no, never; if you think demonic scheming is bad, just wait until you also have to deal with olympian scheming" "you know, i might just sit this whole olyction thing out" "i doubt it; you claim to hate politics, but whenever there's a political happening, you shove your nose right up into it" "it's my biggest character flaw" "is that what you think?" "yes" "that's funny; never change jakey" "if there's one thing i will never have, it's character development" "amen" Michelle walks up, having developed her character significantly since the last time we saw her. "take me home" "i like the old michelle better" Just then, Timera appears out of a time portal. "oh there you are; i knew this day would come so i've spent all month searching for it; in you go" Timera disappears with Michelle, then brings her back, from before her tragic character development. "take me home" "that's our michelle!!!" Everyone has a big, hearty laugh. "no seriously take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]