A Heavenly Thing (2027)

Mission 076: An Absolute Bargain [The Great Cheryl]
"hey uh tgc? we need to talk" "about what, jeremiah" "your corporate sponsorship deal with crimson bovine energy supplements" "oh that? it's a great little piece of business and pleasure i've whipped up" "yeah candice is suffering while being unable to drink her crimson bovine energy supplements" "yeah i know; it's great" "is it though?" "listen, that calgary woman annoyed me for a few minutes, so i have decided to ruin her entire life; it's only fair" "that is the exact opposite of fair" "whatever; i could do so much worse to her, either way, such as destroying every single poplar tree in the world, but i restrain myself" "how very um magnanimous" "exactly; i'm glad we see eye-to-eye, because magnanimous is my middle name" "i thought it was denise" "oh hush" The Great Cheryl returns to her overseeing, and spots Michelle cutting in line. Michelle is immediately detained. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 077: Finders Weepers [Valerie]
"hey valerie how are you holding up after the um crisp fiver incident" "i-i-i h-have t-taken precautions s-so that i-i-i-i will n-never c-claim ownership over a c-c-crisp fiver o-owned by i-ilona again" "what kind of precautions" "e-every time i-i-i-i f-find a c-crisp fiver, i-i-i-i b-bring it to i-ilona; i-it's a g-good thing i-i-i-i s-started d-doing this b-because every single c-crisp fiver i-i-i've brought h-her, she's c-claimed ownership of" "what are the odds" "i-i-i-i know!!! c-can you b-believe it?!" "i can certainly believe that ilona would claim every crisp fiver you bring her" "i-i-i-i j-just don't w-want m-my legs b-b-broken" "a sensible thing to not want" A truckload of corpses arrives fresh from Bailey, and Valerie quickly goes over to check their belongings for crisp fivers. Unfortunately, Michelle is at the bottom of the pile, having taken all of the crisp fivers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions]

Mission 078: Empty on the Inside [Siobhan]
"hey sioby; sorry about the whole crisp fiver thing" "nah it's fine; you saved me from a worse fate from a demoness" "oh right ilona wanted me to tell you what i forgot to tell you the first time: i was supposed to threaten to break your legs" "duly noted" "i didn't want to though" "i figured" "so what's up" "i've just been staring at this empty frame you left on the wall; i should probably put something in it, but something as nice as a crisp fiver doesn't just come around every day, you know?" "if you try to make or find something with the express intent of framing it, it will never be as special as something you organically found or made and thought 'i should frame this'" "yeah it's the eternal struggle" "when i became a detective, i framed my certificate of detectivosity, and it felt so good that i just wanted to frame more and more things, but each thing i framed made me feel hollower and hollower" "really?" "yeah, eventually, i was framing soggy fivers i'd found at the laundromat" "that's horrible" "so one day, i took down all my frames and threw them in the dumpster, except for that first one because i needed that to practice detectivery" A single tear streams down Siobhan's cheek. "your story has inspired me; i will take down this frame until i find something truly worthy of it" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks in and frames her kindergarten diploma. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 079: Takes a Licking [Ruth]
"hey ruth what's up" "i am about to tackle the worst part of my job" "and what would that be" "follow me" Ruth leads Jakey up to Gobitha, the goblin scholar. "TONGUE INSPECTION" "pip pip jolly good" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board" "indubitably my dear chap" Gobitha sticks out her tongue with pride as Ruth looks it over. "this tongue is in bad shape" "what?!" "have you licked anything strange lately?" "i'm a glossologist, my girl!!! i lick everything in the name of glossal science wot wot!!!" "well you've developed a rare condition known as 'trench tongue'" "what." "miss gobitha, if you don't take a long break from your 'glossal science', as you put it, your tongue will become so infected that it will need to be amputated, or it might fall off on its own" "WHAT. surely you jest" "i do not jest about trench tongue; you're lucky we caught it early when it can still be remedied with a simple year-long break from licking anything" "A WHOLE YEAR?!" "it's the only way i'm afraid" "this is not jolly good, no sir" "you could always try using one of your other body parts for science" "nonsense; the tongue is the most sensitive instrument in the body" "yes, so sensitive that yours is in danger of falling off" A single tear streams down Gobitha's cheek. "wot wot" "i'd stamp 'FAILED' on your tongue, but that would only make it worse" Michelle walks up, licking an ice cream cone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gobitha missions]

Mission 080: So Whatcha Want [Odilia]
"i can't believe that horrible eleatrice; she keeps sabotaging me all the time!!! at golf, at basketball; i know no respite from her wily tricks and tricksy wiles while playing sport!!!" "well um here's the thing odilia - eleatrice isn't the only demoness sabotaging you" "what" "i have observed at least two other demonesses doing it" "..." "..." "so i'm just the demonesses' punching bag?" "pretty much" "just tell me one thing: is lilith one of them" "not that i've seen" "oh good; i'd hate to think i've been working for my tormentor this whole time" "well i'm sure she torments you somehow someway, but perhaps not in sportsy ways" "i can take some physical punishment, but not reputational punishment at this point; i've been cut from almost every team i've ever been on, and all my sponsors have left me for being a 'choker' despite the fact that it's demonic infetterence" "so how's your goal of building up your power to kill eleatrice going" "well forgetting about it and how to do magic completely for over a year didn't help; i think i'm almost back to where i was before" "so you've still got a ways to go" "yeah but i'll get there eventually, i'm sure" "so long as you don't forget again" "i probably will, knowing me" "you should write yourself a note" "oh good idea; i can just write 'hate eleatrice' on every single thing i own" "there's some good thinking" Michelle nods, having just finishing writing 'take me home' on everything she owns. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 081: Wheels of Steel [Nilla Waphyr]
"hey oslynn how's the jockeying going" "i am simply swamped with requests for custom remixes, mostly from busara" "what's she want" "fifty different remixes of 'the wheels on the bus', one for each of her primary demographics" "how can fifty separate demographics be primary" "well it's for all the different bus lines, you see; school buses, night buses, airport buses, double-decker buses, heavy-duty orcish buses, dayline buses, you know" "double-decker buses? why on earth would a bus need two decks?" "i asked busara about that and she said that it's like stacking two buses on top of eachother and she can fit twice the people inside" "just make it longer" "that's what i said but she gave me a look like she wanted me to think i was the idiot when she didn't even have a proper rebuttal" "that is so like her" "can never admit when she's done something stupid" "shameful" "so yeah i've got a lot of remixes of the wheels on the bus to do" "good luck with that" Michelle walks up and plays her own dubstep remix of The Wheels on the Bus. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 082: One Scam Down [Fubuki]
"hey bookie, sorry about the robo-hobo" "i was getting tired of bottling up all my smoke anyway so i'm onto a new scam" "what would that be" "i've been standing around on top of buildings after putting flame decals on the outside, which causes good samartarians to call the fire department and cost the taxpayer thousands" "well at least the owners of the buildings get some nice flame decals out of the deal" "no, i peel them off when i'm done, except they're the kind of sticker that doesn't peel off very well and leaves a lot of ugly residue" "well they can just cover that up with their own flame decals" "fat chance; i bought the flame decal company and we do not sell flame decals any more; also, my company has patented flame decals" "you monster" "hey you want to race me and my car" Fubuki steps aside to reveal her car, completely covered in flame decals. "i can't beat that car; it's clearly the fastest on earth" "i'll take my prize money then" Jakey grumbles as he hands Fubuki a crisp fiver. Michelle also grumbles as she hands Fubuki a crisp tenner, from the match and the rematch. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 083: An Entire Display [Jezzie]
"jakey i was at the book store earlier to get a copy of the new revision of my favourite book - chicken soup for the demoness soul - but i noticed two weird things that i need you to explain for me" "okay but i must warn you that i haven't entered a book store since that field trip in sixth grade" "firstly, every single book in that store was signed by eleatrice except for the bibles" "she had a book-signing event during her campaign, and the owner of that particular book store brought her entire inventory" "well i'll admit that eleatrice's signature makes this book i bought really pop in my collection" "you have a collection of books?" "not quite; i have a collection of all the different editions of chicken soup for the demoness soul" "how many editions are there" "5,027" "wow" "regardless, the other thing i noticed: the book store is selling what it calls the necronomicon: second edition, signed by eleatrice as well" "oh right, sabrina sable transcribed the necronomicon into a more legible font to make its evil incantations more accessible; she must have gotten it published" "..." "..." "why." "sometimes, you have a really bad idea that sounds good in your head, then when you explain it, you manage to convince everyone else that it's a good idea" "maybe we can get the book recalled if we notice a crucial typo in one of the incantations" "there are a lot of them in there though" "yeah that does sound like a lot of work" Michelle walks in, holding her own second edition copy of the Necronomicon. "ACH BOLAG METNOR GULAG!!!" Michelle is instantly trapped inside a cage. "um that spell was supposed to make you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 084: High Past Time [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo how was it, being human again for a few hours" "i liked having all my income to myself and not having to give eighty percent of it to eleatrice" "eleatrice didn't like that part" "clearly" Gwendolyn pulls up her analytics. "it's for the best that i'm a vampire again; my viewership dropped ninety percent while i was human again" "so only ten percent of people like you for your personality and/or fluffy hair?" "yeah it's nuts but it doesn't matter; the market wants what the market wants" "god help you if another vampire decides to become a videogames streamer" "jakey why would you say that? you know it's going to happen now" "yeah my bad" "do you know a second vampire so we can cut this off at the pass" "unfortunately, no; i was content having you be the only vampire i know until this very moment, when knowing a second one would come in handy to fulfill your request" "smooth" "i try" Michelle wanders in and gathers all of the human drinks out of Gwendolyn's garbage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 085: The Future, as Predicted [Gwendolyn]
"jakey it's happened" "a second vampire videogames streamer?" "and she is positively wrecking my viewership numbers" "why? what's she got that you don't?" "let us tune in, for reconnaissance purposes" Gwendolyn pulls up the competing stream, one Veralyn Parablüd. "hiiiiiii~!!! welcome back to the stream~!!!" "my ears are bleeding" "i've got a donation here from pleasesteponme95 for a crisp fiver~!!! thank you very muchly~!!!" "what the fuck; she's taking time out from the game to read donations?! i read all the donations at the end so i'm not distracted from the game, except for when i forget or simply don't want to do it, which is every time" "and here's another donation~!!! thank you so much suckoutmyfluids74~!!!" "oh come on!!! suckoutmyfluids74 was my biggest donator!!!" "and another donation~!!! thank you to makemeyourthrall87~!!!" "she's not even playing the game at this point; she's just reading donations" Gwendolyn closes the stream. "jakey please accompany me while i commit a murder most foul, live on camera to assert my dominance" "where does she live?" "..." "..." "okay be right back" Gwendolyn calls up the Wicked Chateau's directory, where a little ghost named Hayden procures for Gwendolyn the information she desires. "let's roll" Jakey and Gwendolyn head down to the address given to confront the new vampire on the block. "like~!!! oh my god~!!! it's like gwendolyn~!!! hiiiiiiii~!!! i'm your like biggest fan~!!!" "what" "yeah like you're the one who inspired me to become a vampire and a streamer~!!!" "wait, you're gwendolynrox2003?!" "yeah~!!! you're like my idol~!!!" "i'm conflicted" "about what" "i was going to brutally murder you in front of your audience to display dominance but now i'm conflicted" "um why would you do that" "you stole all my viewers" "d-did i?" "yeah and all my donators too" "oh um sorry" "maybe it's time for a change of career anyway; i hated all of them anyway" "um okay?" "i will not murder you today, gwendolynrox2003" "um thanks" Gwendolyn leaves the area, leaving Jakey just standing around awkwardly. "sorry about that viewers~!!! while we were away, i received a donation from michelle~!!! she left a message and everything as a shoutout to her big brother~!!! how sweet~!!! she says 'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/Veralyn missions]

Mission 086: Real Is Riris [Lilith]
"hey lilith; nice restraints and hypnotic pendulum" "thanks; i ordered them off the internet" "what are they for" "well i have had it up to here with my goblin workforce always being bad at everything so i had an epiphany: what if i could hypnotise an orc into thinking she's a goblin? so i asked odilia if she knew any orcs who were already a bit goblin-like, and she said look no further than octavia leavitt, the shortest orc" "so how'd you get her to come" "i told her i would change her life; no orc should have to deal with the teasing of her peers for her small stature" "wow, you didn't even lie" "i pride myself in telling lies that are technically the truth" "the most hurtful lies of all" "exactly; here she comes now" "hey lilith i'm here" "yes, allow us to waste no time: i will strap you into this device and begin the process to change your life forever" "the fact that you are being vague about this device's true purpose does not at all concern me" "that's the spirit" Octavia loads into the restraints, and the hypnotic pendulum begins its pend. "from this day forward, you shall be known as 'gobtavia lintun', the world's tallest goblin" "i like being tall" Lilith releases Gobtavia from her restraints, and stops the hypnotic pend. "now, go paint me a fresco on that ceiling over there" "i like painting" Gobtavia takes the paint in-hand, and heads for the Sinful Manse. "now we reap the rewards" Lilith tents her fingers evilly, and so does Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions]

Mission 087: Hypnotic Suggestion [Lilith]
"ah jakey good timing; gobtavia is about to reveal her fresco" Gobtavia pulls down the curtain on the ceiling, revealing a beautiful painting of a can of Fresca. "did i do a good job" "i don't know what i expected" "she gained the intelligence of a goblin when you hypnotised her" "i don't want to be reminded of my failures so i am going to dump gobtavia into a volcano" "can't you just unhypnotise her" "fine, you damn bleeding heart" Lilith pulls out the hypnosis handbook. "okay so in order for gobtavia to go back to being octavia, i need to scare the hypnosis out of her" "i thought that was hiccups" "it can be both things" Lilith walks up to Gobtavia and launches a fireball at her feet. "i like pretty flame ball" "oh no, she's too stupid to be scared" "i'll have to call in an expert" Lilith whistles for Gobigail. "hello miss lilith" "gobigail, what are you most afraid of" "the endless black abyss of nothing that possibly awaits us after death" "um" "it keeps me awake at night" "what are you second-most afraid of" "beavers" Lilith sighs. "thank you gobigail" Lilith conjures up a beaver, terrifying Gobtavia. "OH NO IT'S GOING TO USE ITS TEETH TO CUT MY WOOD AND MAKE A DAM!!!" Gobtavia passes out, and shortly awakens. "hey octavia? you good?" "yeah um what are you doing with that beaver" "the experiment didn't work and you were trapped in your restraints and i needed this beaver to chew you out" "makes sense; thanks for trying anyway" "don't mention it" "that's a really nice fresca on the ceiling by the way" "..." "..." "thanks" Michelle walks up and offers Octavia a can of Fresca. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions/Gobigail missions]

Mission 088: Sad and Lonely [Lilith]
"hey lilith what's up" "oh hi jakey; i was sad recently" "why" "i missed gobtavia" "you were going to throw her into a volcano" "well, i took a closer look at this fresca she painted on the ceiling, and it's actually quite beautiful" "she did a good job" "so what i decided to do was use my demonessly magicks to create a real gobtavia rather than hypnotising octavia again and getting questions like 'i thought the beaver chewed through this' or whatever" "so gobtavia is a real girl now?" "yes, she also has all of the original gobtavia's memories because i found them floating around the sinful manse's garden" "nice" "so here she is" Lilith draws the curtain to reveal Gobtavia, in the flesh. "hello my name is gobtavia; i am a world champion fishboxer" "you mean kickboxer?" "no" Gobtavia begins slapping a punching bag around with a dead fish. "wow look at her go" "she's the most accomplished warrior among my goblins; maybe she got some of those orcly traits i wanted after all" Gobtavia gives the punching bag a final, huge smack with her dead fish, busting it open and revealing the candy inside. "did i do a good job" "yes, gobtavia; yes, you did; enjoy the candy" "i like candy" Gobtavia and Michelle eat their fill of the candy to celebrate. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 089: Shipping Up [Busara]
"oh good; i've seen your skills as a professional bubbly bath guard kid and i need your help - i'm filming a promotional spot for our new bus lines and i need you to guard my bubbly bath and only come in if i say 'PAPRIKA OLEORESIN'" "can do" "thanks kid" Busara turns and grabs her rubber bussie and heads to the shoot, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round, 'round and 'round, 'round and 'round♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, the demoness of moneylending, Ilona, arrives. "hey kid; move aside, i need to talk to my sister about a loan she took out" "busara is in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "♫THE WIPERS ON THE BUS GO SWISH, SWISH, SWISH!!! SWISH, SWISH, SWISH!!! SWISH, SWISH, SWISH!!!♫" "oh come on she's only on swish swish swish? there's like a dozen more verses to that one; let me in real quick to resolve our debt" "no one gets past" "you know my debt collector has the authority to not only break the legs of the borrower, but also any bodyguards the borrower may have, right, kid? step aside or i'll sic 'im on you" "i am your debt collector" "oh, right" Ilona looks around. "any chance i could convince you to break your own legs for me" "no" "damn" Jakey and Ilona wait through thirty more verses of The Wheels on the Bus before Busara exits the bath. "that's a wrap people; good work out there" "finally, i thought you'd never finish" "oh ilona, what a surprise" "i swear you made up half of those; 'the piggie on the bus goes oink, oink, oink'? who brings a pig on a bus?!" "that verse is for the farming channel to advertise our new farm buses that allow farm animals on them" "'the emo on the bus goes slit, slit, slit'?" "that one's just for comedic purposes" "'the injun on the bus goes OWOWOWOWOWOWOWO'?" "injuns are known to owowowo frequently" "'the serial killer on the bus goes stab, stab, stab'?" "fair warning for the night bus patrons" Just then, a shadow with a knife appears above Jakey's and the sisters' heads. It is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Misssion 090: Bathing in Delights [Busara]
"hey kid; ilona wants me to come to a place at a time to pay her back her money and i could use some company" "okay" Jakey and Busara head down to the place at the time, and find a closed door, behind which a jolly tune is emenating. "♫look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it; you play the guitar on the MTV♫" "oh i see what she's doing; trying to get back at me for my fifty verses of the wheels on the bus" "yeah but she forgot to assign a bathroom guard" "♫WE'VE GOT TO INSTALL MICROWAVE OVENS; CUSTOM KITCHEN DELIVERY-Y-Y-Y♫" "her failure of foresight is none of my concern" "wait, there's a note on the door" "fine; read it if you'd like" "♫see the little faggot with the earring and the make-up? yeah, buddy, that's his own hair♫" "'dear kid' - that's me, i assume - 'i know you're here with busara; break her legs if she tries to interrupt my bubblybath'" "i rescind my lack of foresight comment" "'also, if busara doesn't deliver me my money by 3PM sharp, break her legs'" "♫WE'VE GOT TO MOVE THESE REFRIGERATORS; WE'VE GOT TO MOVE THESE COLOUR TVs♫" "it's 2:59 and she's not even close to done" "so here's the question: do you want your legs broken at 2:59 or 3PM" "2:59" Busara places her hand on the door to the bathroom, and Jakey instantly tackles her to the ground before she can turn the knob. "sorry busara but you heard the boss" "i have no regrets" Jakey snaps Busara's demonessly legs like twigs. "ow" "♫i want my, i want my, i want my MTV♫" "is she singing both knopfler's part and sting's part?" Busara scoffs. "i had a tape recording of myself singing sting's part - or 'stinging' if you will - thank you very much" "fine; here's that crisp fiver i owe you" "thank you muchly" Ilona walks off as Jakey gets off of Busara's chest. Busara leaps up and uses her demoness magicks to unbreak her own legs. "i'll get her back for that one" Michelle walks in the room, banging on the bongoes like a chimpanzee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 091: A Dish Best Served Immediately [Busara]
"okay kid, i've got a perfect plan to get my revenge on ilona for having you break my legs" "just to be clear - you're not mad at me for being the one who broke your legs right?" "no, you were just doing your job; now, i need you to enter ilona's shop and distract her while i enact my genius plan" "okay okay" Jakey heads into the Adventures in Debenture moneylender. "hey ilona" "hey kid great work with busara earlier" "yeah i was surprised by how easily her legs broke" "she needs to drink more milk" Just then, Busara's brilliant plan falls into place. Busara stomps the gas hard and drives her bus straight through Ilona's window, crushing her sister with the bus. "ow" Busara does a burnout, then a half-assed salute, and drives off. Ilona leaps up and uses her demoness magicks to unbreak her bones and fix her window. "i'll get her back for that one" Michelle crashes through the window after being hit by a bus. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 092: Mission Log [Molly]
"jakey i am simply tired of those regular elves living right next to us, no matter how many other types of elves come out of the woodwork" "you've been saying that as long as i've known you" "but today, i am going to do something about it" Molly grabs her twilit axe and heads to the edge of the Mystic Forest. "i am going to chop down every regular tree here" "that sounds like a lot of work" "not with a twilit axe" Molly strikes a regular tree with her twilit axe, felling it in a single swing. "wow" "now stand back" Molly rushes along through the forest, chopping down regular tree after regular tree. Soon, an entire patch of the Mystic Forest is nothing but stumps. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!" "hello, holyndre; i've renovated the place" "you you MONSTER" "yeah yeah nature's bounty and all that and all that" As Holyndre sobs, the demoness of nature, Leanthe, appears in a puff of smoke. "i felt a hundred trees cry out in pain at once and it AWOKE ME FROM MY NAP" "eep" Molly hides the twilit axe behind her back. "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?!" "it was holly" "WHAT WHY" "i don't know i just came by because i heard sobbing and she screamed 'WHAT HAVE I DONE'" "i am surprised at you; as a regular elf, you should be in tune with nature, not trying to destroy it!!!" "but-but-" "NO BUTS!!! i must fix what you have destroyed" Leanthe spins around, bringing back all of the trees to their original heights. Jakey was sitting on a stump at the time, and is bowled right over. "holyndre, you are coming with me for a stay in the iron cage of despair" "NOT THE I.C.O.D.!!!" "now molly thanks for telling me everything; i beg neither of you to bother me for the forseeable future because being awake for three whole minutes has wiped me right out and i need to nap for another hundred years or so" "can do boss" Molly salutes Leanthe as she teleports away with Holly. "i'm glad that worked out" "yeah i was pretty worried that i'd be spending the next hundred years in the icod" "a little help please?" Jakey and Molly look up to see Michelle tangled in a tree's branches. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 093: An Attempt Was Made [Wynne]
"jakey did you hear that the post lady was made into an angel?!" "yeah i didn't know she'd been canonised as a saint" "i guess my package business will never get off the ground now; angels are unkillable to my knowledge" "you could try trapping her inside a volcano" "that only works for creatures that can't fly" "how about making her deliver a package that will take such a long time that she won't be able to deliver anything else" "smart idea, actually" "i have one every few years" Wynne makes out a package addressed to the planet Tector, and places it in the mailbox. The post lady arrives and sees the address. "tector, eh? that's a ways away, but THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH!!!" The post lady zips off, faster than the speed of light, and returns just as fast. "i can't believe it" "maybe we should have done that before she became an angel" "i hate everything" The post lady walks up to Jakey and hands him his package from the planet Tector. It is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 094: The Formula for Success [Candice]
"hey candice how's life going" "i have come up with a plan to make my life good again" "addictions counciling?" "what? no; i'm going to steal the [NAME REDACTED] secret formula" "it's not like they keep it sealed in a bottle is it? how do you plan to do such a thing?" "i have hired a professional thief; here she is now" Siobhan drops through the skylight. "did you retrieve the item" "yes; oh hey jakey" "hey" "i thought about what you said about putting the frame away until i found something special to put in it, and i think i've found just such a thing: the crimson bovine secret formula" "didn't candice hire you to steal that" "yeah but it's really a cool little thing so i'm going to keep it" "you can keep the original just let me make a copy" "no, if you make a copy, my original one will be less valuable" "come on you can't just reneg on our deal" "i can, in fact; the thief's code states 'finders (that's me) keepers, losers (that's you) weepers'; ciao" Siobhan throws down a smoke pellet and disappears into the night to her secret hideout. "well that sucked" "hey candice? look at this news report" "breaking news tonight coming at you from kathy news; i'm kathy, and today, the crimson bovine company has announced that they must close down their plants due to the theft of their secret formula's only known copy; a representative for the company was asked if he remembered any of the formula, and he stated: 'i think it has sugar in it? or was it salt? paprika? cumin maybe'; i'm kathy, ciao" "life is pain" Michelle walks up and sprinkles some paprika onto Candice's head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 095: No More Bovines [Candice]
"hey candice, how are you coping" "ever since crimson bovine shut down, life has been hopeless" "hey, you can say the company's name again" "can't sponsor a theme park if you've been shut down" "you could always buy out the remaining drinks from the store shelves" "scalpers took care of that for me; they're selling the thin cans for ten million each" "that's pricey" "yeah i was only able to afford one after selling all my building materials" "even your sedimentary lego bricks?!" "sadly, yes" "did you drink it yet?" "no, i'm saving it for a special occasion when i have the energy to gain that energy" "so what's that you're drinking now" "whiskey" "oh i hear that's popular with people who have suffered devastating losses" "indeed" Candice pours more hops into her whiskey. "can never have too many hops" "beer is the one that has hops, not whiskey" "which is why i have the hops shaker at the ready to add hops myself" "fair enough i guess" Michelle pours some hops into her vodka. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 096: I Think We're Alone Now [Ilona]
"hey kid; i've got another haute loan for you to take care of" "lay it on me" "you know that new videogames streamer, veralyn parablud?" "yeah" "she owes me a crisp tenner; go and threaten to break her legs live on stream" "can do boss" Jakey turns and heads for Veralyn's house. "oh~!!! and it looks like we have a special guest~!!! prince jakey of canada~!!! welcome to the stream~!!!" "mmm yes, i have been sent by debenturefan666 to collect on that loan" "wh-what" "the loan; it says i am to either collect the loan of a crisp tenner or uh let's see here" Jakey flips through the pages on his clipboard. "right, i need to collect that crisp tenner or i'll have to break your legs" "but~!!! debenturefan666 donated that crisp tenner to me live on stream~!!!" "no, that was a live loan on her part" "i never signed any loan agreement~!!!" "by accepting the crisp tenner live on stream, you accepted the terms of the loan; now last chance, and i'm sorry i have to do this: i need a crisp tenner or i'm going to grab a leg" "okay okay~!!! here it is~!!!" Veralyn hands over a soggy tenner. "..." "..." "what the FUCK IS THIS?!" "a tenner" "is this an insult? this tenner is positively drenched!!! either fork over a crisp tenner, or pay the soggy tenner tender" "how much is that" "twenty bucks" "WHAT." "i don't make the rules; if i did, the fee would be fifty, at least" Veralyn grumbles and trades in the soggy tenner for a much crisper one. "thank you muchly; enjoy your stream and the use of your legs" Jakey returns to the Adventures in Debenture moneylender and hands over the crisp tenner. "did she give you any trouble" "she tried to hand over a soggy tenner" "the cheek; you should have broken one of her legs for that" "i almost did" Michelle walks up and drops a load of soggy tenners on the floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 097: Alone Again and Other Hits [Ilona]
"hey kid, i've got another loan for you to collect" "let's hear it" "you know that goblin scholar, gobitha?" "yeah" "she owes me a crisp fiver; go and threaten to break her little goblin legs" "can do boss" Jakey turns and heads for Gobigail's shack. "hey gobitha" "oh good day old bean; it's been a bit of a rough time since the diagnosis" "well i hate to make a rough time rougher, but ilona wants her crisp fiver back, or, alternatively, for me to break your legs" "oh quite; i originally had in mind a grand glossal adventure in debenture, you see; nothing in this world goes through quite so much ordeal as paper currency, you see; i had planned to make some glossal discoveries on this very fiver, but lo, my condition has led me to simply stare at this promisory note, wondering what glossal wonders awaited on this banknote" "probably for the best that you didn't lick it; that would have made the bill soggy and you'd have had to pay the soggy fiver fee" "poppycock, lad; do you think me so glossally inept as to be unable to control the saliva flow from my tongue? nay, my boy, i can lick anything and leave nary a drop of saliva" "that's kind of impressive" "but alas; this particular fiver will never be knownst to my tongue" "well you could keep it if you let me break your legs" "no no, the temptation is too great; fare thee well, crisp fiver; may we meet again" A single tear streams down Gobitha's face as she hands over the crisp fiver, and Jakey returns to the Adventures in Debenture moneylender. "did she give you any trouble" "no, but she waxed poetic for a while" "glad i didn't take care of that one myself then" Michelle walks out of Ilona's vault carrying a huge sack. Inside it is her lunch. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 098: In the Trenches [Gobitha]
"hey gobitha, i brought you some flowers and a 'get well soon' card" "thank you for the thought my boy, but these items taunt me; previously, i could taste the footsteps of the bee on the petals of the flowers, sweet succulent honey and its comb intermingling with the pollens; i could taste the fingers of those who perused the 'get well soon' cards to find just the right one to give to an ailing acquaintence; oh woe is me" "gobitha, i-" "jakey my dear chap, can you do me a favour?" "what is it" "this world is filled with temptations; everywhere i look is something i feel compelled to lick to gain glossal understanding, and i am tortured so; please, my good man, please trap me in that volcano again, just until next september" "are you sure? i mean, i can, but-" "think of my self-imposed exile into that conical magma tube as though i were a canine with a wound you would like to keep me from chewing; i do not know how long i can will myself away from glossal science" "okay gobitha, if that's what you want" "thank you my boy" Jakey grabs Gobitha under his arm and heads for the volcano. "goodbye, dear friend" "goodbye, gobitha" Jakey hurls Gobitha into the volcano, leaving her trapped until he eventually remembers to get her out. Michelle pours an extra bucket of lava into the volcano, just to be sure it's properly stocked. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 099: A Crime to Be Sure [Eleatrice]
"jakey, did you have anything to do with my favourite energy supplements company going under" "no, despite the close proximity i had to the cause" "it doesn't really matter because i copied down the secret formula years ago so i can brew it any time i want, and even sell it if i'm ever in need of money" "that's good; maybe you can even add your own ingredients to make it just different enough that you can't be sued" "me? sued? i laugh in your general direction; hell has the best lawyers in the world; hell, law was invented in hell" "i believe it" "but yes i could add some eleatrice-specific ingredients to make my own witches brew" "my fridge is already stocked entirely with witches brew and mountain dew" "oh you haven't had witches brew the way i brew it, or mountain dew the way i dew it, for that matter" "how dew you dew the dew" "i brew the dew in a yew cauldron and mix with blewbries; a new flavour i provide tew a rare few" "blewbries?! in mountain dew?! i need to try this" "luckily it's blewbry season right now so i'll have hayden pick some" Hayden slams her head onto her desk, not looking forward to trying to pick up blewbries without corporeal hands. "i will also give hayden my recipe so she can brew the dew herself and keep it stocked in the break room" "death is pain" Michelle walks up, drinking some witches brew. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 100: Final Revision [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina what's going on" "i never should have tried to create a second edition of the necronomicon" "why do you say that" "i keep having to make revisions when people cast the incantations and don't get the proper results; it's not my fault that the book's font was completely illegible" "can you show me an example of an incantation you got wrong" "'þolſog Ƿiþenſok' here? i thought it said 'polfog pipenfok'" "doesn't it?" "apparently not, and these are ancient letters not in use any more; it's supposed to read 'tholsog withensok'" "Ƿat þe fuck" "i know, þis shit is ſo fucking dumb; after þis reviſion, i am Ƿiping my hands of any and all ancient texts" "Ƿord" "i'll juſt have gobrina do future reviſions" "i'm ſure þat Ƿon't have any negative conſequences" "Ƿord" Michelle Ƿalks up to the group and ſlaps down her own, þird reviſion of þe Necronomicon, Ƿiping her hands clean of the ſecond edition þat ſabrina ſable had attempted to tranſcribe. "take me home"
[reward: reſpect +]