A Victorious Thing (2027 - November)

Mission 001: Mob Rules [King Bran]
"well, it's november already jakey and you know what that means" "hopefully a better goddess than we got a demoness in 2024" "well this time out is nike, goddess of victory and running shoes" "having a goddess of victory run is a bit unfair, isn't it?" "there's nothing in the rules against winning" "fair enough" Soon, a golden goddess sprints through the finish line and into the castle. "AND THE WINNER IS NIKE!!!" Ruth, the official race inspector, raises Nike's arm to the sky in triumph. "hello there miss nike" "hello" "so you're the counterpart of wynne?" "do not mention that jobber's name to me" "huh?" "hera went up on the big screen to call eleatrice a jabroni, but wynne makes eleatrice look like a winner; wynne lost a war so hard that she was banished for 300 years" "i can't argue with that" "i only associate with winners; are you a winner, jakey?!" "i won my elementary school spelling bee" "good enough!!! i bid you farewell for now, as i have another race in ten minutes" Wynne runs off, and Ruth trudges behind her, expected to inspect that race as well. Michelle runs through the finish line, finishing in second place and bringing home the silver medal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Nike missions]

Mission 002: Went for the Gold [Nike]
"hey nike; i see you redecorated" "yes; artemis's trophies resemble victory of a sort, but being victorious over animals is kind of lame, isn't it? my trophies celebrate victories over humans, goddesses, and even demonesses" "what did you beat demonesses in" "this is my hopscotch championship trophy; i had to beat lilith, eleatrice, and even echidna to win this baby" "echidna can play hopscotch? she doesn't have legs" "that snake lady has mad hops; she can jump over a bus" "i never knew" "NIKE!!!" A thunderous cry comes from an outsideward direction. "hey echidna" "you, me, hopscotch rematch for the trophy, right here, right now" "you're on" Ruth once again stands ready in front of the regulation-sized hopscotch field. After the whistle blows, the demoness and goddess hop scotches for hours on end, neither willing to lose. After four hours of nothing but hopping scotches, Echidna's snakey tail hits the wrong square, and the whistle blows. "NIKE IS VICTORIOUS" Nike accepts her own trophy from herself as Echidna slumps to the ground, defeated once again. "that always happens" "well if your tail is always what hits the ground, you could always um you know" "never; i will overcome this challenge and drag my snakey tail along kicking and screaming" "that's the spirit" Michelle attempts to hop a scotch, but accidentally ends up playing four square instead. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: A Phony [Nike]
"hey jakey have you met apate? she's my campaign's phone solicitor, and she signed an exclusive contract to only solicit for my campaign and not the others" Nike holds up a contract signed by "Aƿate". "hmm" "just watch her work her magic as the goddess of deceit" Jakey and Nike look over at Apate, who is soliciting on speaker. "hello there miss stockhardt; i'm calling to represent the campaign of nike for the position of queen of olympus" "never heard of it" "well as a non-evil citizen, it is your civic duty to vote and your moral duty to vote for nike" "what are her campaign promises" "nike is the goddess of victory, and she promises each and every non-evil citizen a victory over his/her greatest enemy; in your case, vic, she promises a complete and utter victory over your terminal illness, timinchinitis" "what? years of treatment and expensive medicines couldn't cure my illness" "your doctors didn't have the powers of the olympian gods, but unfortunately, only the queen of olympus has the power to wipe out a disease, and hera only ever used it on small pox and polio" "how completely selfish of her" "well nike guarantees that she will use her powers of office to cure timinchinitis and make sure that you become an international long jump champion" "i'm glad you didn't say high jump because i am afraid of heights" "yes, nike knows her constituents well, and will always serve your needs" "okay you've convinced me; i'll vote for nike" "you know what vic? you're all right, i don't care what hestia says" "hestia?" "oh yeah, the goddess of the hearth - she's also running for queen of olympus" "what did she say about me?!" "well i'll tell you but i don't believe it for a second vic - hestia said that you deserved to have an incurable disease, and if she's elected? she said she'd use her powers to give you four more incurable diseases as part of her celebration" "that fucking BITCH" "well hopefully she'll come in last place and get the 'consolation prize' of being disintegrated" "hopefully" "see you at the polls kid" Apate hangs up the phone, having reeled in another one. "she's a natural" "yes" Michelle walks in carrying a vial of polio. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: A Song for the Ages [Nike]
"jakey, you know what this campaign needs?" "a celebrity endorsement?" "yes, and you know who from?" "scarlett hayes, aka the girl in the tub" "you're on fire today" "i've seen this song and dance before" "well then you'll know to guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'CALCIUM SILICATE'" "you can count on me" Nike grabs her rubber ducky and turns and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫push it to the limit; walk along the razor's edge, but don't look down; just keep your head or you'll be finished♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Ilona bops up the stairs. "hey kid; i need you to go in there and break nike's legs for me" "she has enlisted me to guard her bubblybath; i will do it afterward" "oh, one of those" "♫WELCOME TO THE LIMIT!!! TAKE IT, BABY, ONE STEP MORE!!! THE POWER GAME'S STILL PLAYIN, SO YOU BETTER WIN IT!!!♫" "listen, nike owes me an entire bundle of crisp fivers" "why" "you know all these trophies and medals she's got? well, most events she competes in don't give out any actual prizes and she comes to me to borrow some money to make herself a medal or trophy" "that's a bit sad" "yeah well she's a sad person, always being so concentrated on victory; can you imagine how she'd react if she lost something?" "i'm sure i'll find out one of these days; people who come in contact with me tend to experience personal crises that absolutely break their particular neuroses" "good to know" Nike exits the bath, but is disappointed not to see Scarlett, and is even more disappointed to see Ilona. "hey there nik; got that bundle of crisp fivers you owe me?" "um not as such no" "okay kid, you're on" "sorry nike; it's my job" "i do not hold it against you" Jakey tackles Nike to the ground and breaks her legs. "ow" "get me my money soon or the thumbs are next" "yes ma'am" Nike leaps up and uses her goddess magicq to fix her legs. "hurts like hell both ways" "i know the feeling" Michelle walks up to Jakey with a thug at her back. "take me home or this thug will break your legs"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: An Entire Rolodex [Nike]
"hey jakey; unimportant here was just telling me all about how our fates are decided by the stars; i must have been fated to be a winner" "must have" "unimportant tells me that i am an aries, which sounds like a winner's constellation, and she also tells me that i should be searching for leos who will undoubtedly vote for me" "sounds like something unimportant would say" "so uni; what are the traits of these 'leos'" "compassion, drive, and a natural leadership ability" "that sounds exactly like nemesis, the goddess of revenge" "the last two, sure, but compassion?" "she doesn't just get revenge for herself; she gets revenge for the little guy as well" "fair enough" "i'll call her up now" Nike stays true to her word, and soon Nemesis arrives. "hey kid, need any revenge?" "nike, are you sure this nemesis is a goddess and not a demoness? revenge is one of the deadly sins" "no, that's wrath; totally different" "not really" "oh pshaw; nemesis and her sister apate are credits to olympus, just like their mother, nyx" "revenge and deceit are virtues now?" "yes, but only the way that nemesis and apate do them" "virtues and sins are a lot more nuanced than i thought" "didn't they teach you anything in school?" "nothing relating to theology" "that is just wrong; they teach you like geometry and shit, but nothing that really matters" "they didn't even teach me about all the nations in the world; i'm constantly learning of ones i've never heard of before" Nemesis puts her arm around Jakey sleazily. "that's all i needed to hear kid; i'll go get revenge on those educators for you" Nemesis winks and shoots Jakey a finger gun before heading out for some revenge. "were she not a goddess, nemesis would be a saint" "i'm sure" Michelle walks in, covered in blood from her latest revenge session. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: Goddess of Sweet Revenge [Nike]
"jakey good you're just in time; nemesis is about to come back with another major goddess i wanted to get revenge on" "is it one of the ones running for queen of olympus?" "oh, no; i want to win this olyction fair and also square; this is one that did not declare her intention to run" "okay cool" Nemesis returns with a two-legged goddess. "enyo, how nice to see you" "hold up, time out; enyo, you look familiar, like you're a counterpart to a demoness i've met several times, but i just can't place it" "i am enyo, the goddess of war, counterpart to the demoness echidna" "echidna?! really?! no wonder i didn't recognise you with all those legs you've got" "i do take pride in my legs" "ENOUGH; enyo, you know why you're here today?" "because you want revenge on me, i presume" "do you know what for?" "not off-hand, no" "in the year 2003, you stole the last orange cupcake at the goddesses' banquet when you know those are my favourite" "that was a quarter century ago" "i have a long memory, and today, i will have my revenge" Nike pulls out of the oven a hot, steaming tray of triple-fudge brownies. "you fiend; you know those are my favourite" "now watch in crippling depression as i eat this entire tray of triple-fudge brownies!!!" Nike shovels handful after handful of brownie into her mouth. She gets halfway through the tray before getting really, really sick. "j-jakey? i'm tagging out; finish my revenge for me" "gladly" Jakey continues where Nike left off, and eats about half of what's left. "i don't feel so good" "work through the pain!!!" "n-no, i'm, i'm good; nemesis? want some brownies?" "boy do i" Nemesis finishes off the tray of brownies, leaving none for Enyo. "have you learned your lesson" "brow" "huh?" "nies" Enyo passes out from exhaustion and hunger. "that'll do" Michelle walks up with a second tray of brownies, and eats the entire thing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: Refreshed and Ready to Roll [Nike]
"ah i feel so refreshed after my delightful revenge" "that's good" "so now it's onto that horoscope thing unimportant was yammering about" "who's the first leo on our to-do list" "sabrina sable, noted fontologist; i invited her here for help on a project" Sabrina walks into the Luminous Villa, nearly blinded by its sheer vibrance. "hello? i'm here to see nike?" "yes hello miss sable; i need something from you: all of the best capital buildings have beautiful frescas painted on the ceiling" "like the soft drink?" "yes, and i believe the luminous villa needs one as well, but not any ordinary fresca, oh no" "what do you mean?" "i want you, miss sable, to completely design the fresca brand and paint on our ceiling the ideal fresca; no font is off the table except papyrus and comic sans" "good riddance" "will you do it, sabs? will you reimagine fresca for the new golden age of fontology?!" "YES, I WILL!!!" "good; i expect to hear from you soon" "i've been daydreaming ideas for a new-look fresca for years; i promise you won't be disappointed" Sabrina runs out of the Luminous Villa, happy as a clam. "she's a good kid" "i like her a lot" "i can see why" Michelle walks in and sees an old-look Fresca on the table, and nudges it into the garbage, where it belongs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: The New World Order [Nike]
"what's up nike" "sabrina sable has been inside the entranceway all day painting and i am so excited to see the results" On cue, Sabrina enters the main office. "it is done" "oh boy oh boy" Sabrina leads Jakey and Nike into the entranceway, and they gaze up at the ceiling. "oh my god" "i used amiri as the main font" "it's a small touch, but it has great effect" "of course, writing the subtext in amiri would have been too much, so i swapped to a serifless font called alef" "i do like a good alef" "the slightly raised middle line of the capital E is a far better fit for the uplifting flavours of fresca than the original slightly lowered middle line" "agreed; i never knew what they were thinking with that one" "i don't think they were" "sabrina - miss sable - my friend, you have simply outdone not just yourself, but all of recorded history with this beautiful fresca; this is truly a fresca for the ages that future generations will discuss with vigour as the one that changed the world!!! here, have all my money" Nike forces every single crisp fiver she has into Sabrina's hands. "oh thanks; i do like money" "and you deserve it; you will go down in history books as the most important figure since that guy who invented the internet!!!" "wow, being on a similar historical level as al gore himself?! i can't believe someone would say something that nice about me" "believe it; people will roll in from miles around to say even nicer things about you soon" "oh boy oh boy" Sabrina drops all her new money into a wheelbarrow and heads for the bank. Michelle enters the entranceway and lays her eyes on the Fresca. A single tear streams down her face, due to the sheer beauty she has witnessed. All other beauty in the world now seems plain. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Hopped Up [Nike]
"hey nike what's going on" "i was following up on the leos in my rolodex, and i came across this construction lady and she's so hopped up on energy supplements that when she heard i was the goddess of victory, she challenged me to a contest to see who can build the best building in two hours" "watch out; when candice is hopped up on toro carmesi, she is a speed demon" "relax jakey; i've never lost a single competition before in my life" "i'm not a betting man, but if i was, i would still bet on candice" "oh ye of little faith" Ruth appears from off in the distance. "all right, my name is ruth barlow, i'm with the inspection board; i will be overseeing this building competition and judging who has built the best building within the time limit; on your set, get marked, GO" Candice dives into her building project like a gold medal swimmer, planning to make her specialty: a sturdy house with an igneous concrete foundation and poplar support beams. Nike, on the other hand, uses her own time to build a Little Caesar's. As the time concludes, Candice is feeling good. "BUILDING INSPECTION; let's see here: nice house, but i've seen a thousand just like it" "yes and those thousand will still be standing long after we're all dead" "depressing" Ruth heads over to Nike's building. "a little caesar's? interesting choice; i am pretty hungry, but i only have a single crisp fiver on my person" "well have i got a deal for you; little caesar's hot n ready pizzas only cost a SINGLE crisp fiver" "for a whole pizza?!" "indeed" "we have a winner" Ruth raises Nike's arm to the sky, then runs in to get some pizza. Michelle exits with some delicious crazy bread. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: A Triumph [Nike]
"hey nike, i didn't expect you to be speaking with icelia of all people" "oh i was just talking smack" "and nike's smack does not mean jack; as the official demoness of music, icelia is clearly the most musical creature ever to exist, and nike's challenge to icelia's musicianship is laughable at best" "it's easy for icelia to be so musical when she literally has the three muses as her backup band" "wait what" "you know, the three muses: melete, mneme, and aoide" "i don't get it" "okay, you see that one over there?" "jessica falco?" "jessica 'falco' flanders: contains A O I D E" "coincidence" "lisa 'lizzy mamba' membranos: contains M N E M E" "okay, two out of three; ain't bad, but ain't conclusive" "mavis 'forge' forselli: contains M E L E T E" "no it doesn't; there are only two Es and no T" "mavis, tell the man your middle name" "margaret" "that's cheating; her middle name was never revealed until now" "yeah yeah admit your defeat; these are the three muses, and always have been the three muses and you cannot prove otherwise" Jakey grumbles under his breath. He is clearly being gaslighted. "regardless, this is between me and icelia; i shall call the inspector so we can have our challenge" "no" "what?" "icelia does not accept your challenge" "chicken?" "icelia's song is only to be sung for causes icelia believes are important; your challenge is not at all important, and icelia and icelia's friends - muses or no - will be leaving now" Icelia and her muses leave in four separate huffs. "i declare it my victory by default" "which is the best kind of victory" Michelle walks up and presents Nike with her medal, by default. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: If the Shoe Fits [Nike]
"hello jakey and welcome to my shoe factory" "look at them all; that's a lot of shoes" "yes; the first day we opened, we only produced half as many as we do today because i forgot that shoes are supposed to be sold in pairs" "how could you possibly forget that" "i don't interract with humans much; how was i supposed to remember you have two whole legs?" "it seems a pretty basic part of our anatomy" "either way, once i remembered that about humans, i tried to make just like one really big shoe you stick both your feet in, but people didn't really like that much at all for whatever reason" "well now they're just being picky" "i know right? anyway, then we started producing shoes in pairs and the rest is history" "nice" "so let me show you our secret production wing" "oh boy" Jakey follows Nike down a narrow corridor. "don't touch any of the boobies in here; they are traps" "i did find it odd that there were so many boobies on the walls; i assumed they were trophies" "don't let artemis hear you say that" Jakey and Nike walk past a triggered booby trap, where a giant spear thrusts out from a booby, impaling a skeleton. "what a way to go" Eventually, the two find their respective ways to the secret lab. "okay, don't let anyone else know about this, okay? no pictures please" "that's a nice tarp" "it's what's under the tarp" "so i can tell people you have a tarp?" "i'd um prefer it if you didn't" "okay okay" Nike rips off the tarp, and underneath is a giant shoe with wheels, with Michelle in the driver's seat. "hey jakey check out my new car; take me home in it"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Giving Thanks, Again and Again [Nike]
"well, the day is finally upon us: thanksgiving" "yes indeed" "and to celebrate, i am going to throw the biggest thanksgiving feast in recorded history" "good luck; in 2024, gremory flooded the streets with mashed potatoes" Nike exhales a sharp laugh. "mashed potatoes? don't make me laugh; that is the filler of the meal" "yeah, everyone knows the best part of the thanksgiving meal is-" "THE STUFFING!!!" "ho boy" "breadly crusts deconstructed and repurposed into their ultimate form!!!" "let me ask you something: what is it that the stuffing is cooked in?" "a pot?" "no, it's cooked inside the turkey" "huh? what? no, that's the mashed potatoes; filler so that the stupid bird doesn't collapse on itself" "no, i'm pretty sure it's the stuffing that they stuff the bird with" "now you're just being silly; you can't shove the stuffing inside the bird, it would be tainted by the birdly juices" "oh god help me" "the only reason we even cook the rest of the meal is so idiots will be distracted by the large bird and not eat all of the stuffing" "ugh" "now watch and learn how a goddess makes a thanksgiving feast" Nike conjures a gigantic bowl of stuffing that rests perfectly between the harbours of Canada and Alabama, allowing citizens from both nations to dig in. "why is everyone just looking around when the stuffing is right there" "they are probably looking for a turkey" "philistines" Michelle walks up, gnawing on a turkey leg. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: Moving in Line, Then You Look Back in Time to the First Day [Nike]
"well it is nearing the end of my month, and what better way to send it off than with some blistering black friday deals" "lay them on me" "on november first, i noticed that people ran into the stores for cheap halloween candy after halloween was over, so we are having a massive sale on candy, candy, and more candy" "that's dandy" "indeed; we are having so many candy sales that we simply have no room in the flier for the electronics sales" "who needs em" "exactly; electronics become outdated and obsolete, but candy is eternal" "amen" "and so to my constituents, i say 'let them eat candy'" "you have secured my vote" Jakey salutes Nike as she floats off back to Olympus. Michelle comes up with a wheelbarrow full of cheap candy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]