A Contentious Thing (2027 - December)

Mission 001: Born Again [King Bran]
"happy december kb" "hopefully our goddess candidate won't try to steal christmas like lilith did in 2024" "hopefully" "there's a good chance with the goddess of the month being hestia, goddess of the hearth" "whose counterpart is she?" "lilith's" "of course" On cue, Hestia glides into the throne room. "hello there you two; i hope we can be good royal friends when i am queen of olympus" "we will see won't we?" "if you are worried about me stealing christmas, do not be; i love that jolly red santa and his cute little snow elves" "good; we all love santa and his snow elves as well" "yeah he's the best" "oh let me tell you two boys about this one time: back in the 12th century sometime, santa got absolutely sloshed with the god of wine, dionysus, right? santa couldn't ho-ho-hold his liquor as well as dionysus and was in no state to deliver the presents; dionysus also got all the snow elves turned into raging alcoholics, so dionysus took it upon himself to deliver the presents" "and how'd that go" "he manged to successfully deliver every single present" "that's good-" "to the wrong house" "oh" "it was pandemonium; red ones went to houses that were strictly blue; the ribbons and bags, boxes and tags were all ajumble, and people marched to the north pole to get revenge on santa for the worst christmas ever" "that's not good" "luckily, dionysus took complete blame for everything and they all got absolutely wasted that night" "even the children?" "ESPECIALLY the children" "what a feelgood story" "indeed" Michelle walks in, arm-in-arm with Dionysus, completely sloshed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hestia missions]

Mission 002: Just a Bit Less Luminous [Hestia]
"oh hello jakey; i am about to enter the luminous chateau for the first time in a dog's age; care to enter with me?" "okay" Jakey and Hestia enter the Luminous Villa, and Hestia's face instantly turns to a frown. "what is this fresca? that's not what a proper fresca looks like at all!!! you see that capital E? how the middle line is slightly raised? it's supposed to be slightly LOWERED!!! whoever did this has probably never even seen a real fresca!!! it's a disgrace not just to the luminous villa, but to all olympus!!!" "okay, i usually err on the side of neutrality on these things, but you are completely wrong about this fresca; it is a work of genius that will be looked upon for generations to come-" "lol; lmao, even" Hestia snaps her fingers, and a wrecking ball destroys Sabrina Sable's beautiful Fresca. "YOU MONSTER!!!" "no, the monster was clearly-" Jakey leaps on top of Hestia and stabs and stabs with a fury he hasn't felt since he murdered his ex-wife, the evil queen of Hell. Jakey stabs and stabs and stabs and stabs until there is nothing left to stab. "um oops" Jakey looks around at the other goddesses. Apate acts like she saw nothing, Nemesis gives Jakey a big thumbs-up, and Michelle solemnly nods. "you did the right thing, jakey; take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 003: Seventh Star [King Bran]
"uh, kb? we've got trouble" "jakey? i didn't exshpect to hear from you again sho shoon; i wash jusht chilling with my boy dionyshush" "i um brutally murdered hestia" "..." "..." "WHAT." "well last month sabrina sable painted a beautiful, unique new-look fresca on the ceiling of the luminous villa's entryway, and hestia hated it and even destroyed it and before i knew it i was consumed with complete and utter rage and i just stabbed and stabbed until there was nothing left to stab" "well this is awkward" "hey hey don't be too sad about it bro" Dionysus slides up to Jakey. "just let dionysus take care of this; we sons of zeus have to stick together, you know?" "sons of zeus? what?" "aren't you heracles?" "um no" "perseus?" "i'm jakey, prince of canada" "oh well i'll smooth it out for you anyway j-bro; the canadians are zeus's chosen people anyway, right?" "they are?" "yeah, they've got that electric affinity; that didn't just come out of nowhere, you dig?" "i think so" "cool cool; just let the dionyster sort this one out for you" "thanks" Dionysus teleports out in a puff of wine, the fumes making Jakey tipsy. He soon returns with Enyo. "good news j-bro, i got enyo to run in hestia's place" "thank you so much" "eh zeus never really liked hestia anyway" Michelle walks up, and pays tribute to the god of wine by handing to him a bowl of the finest Canadian wine. "hey good shit there michellen of troy" Michelle beams with pride after having been acknowledged by Dionysus. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Enyo missions]

Mission 004: Once More Into the Breach [Enyo]
"hey enyo, thanks for replacing hestia on such short notice" "well i wasn't planning on running in the olyction, but i may as well try my best" "that's the spirit" "let's see what we're working with in the luminous villa" Enyo enters the entranceway, which currently does not have a ceiling. "i hate these open-air concept entranceways that are all the rage these days; i'll have to call a roofer" "or you could hire someone to fix this roofly rubble all around the room" "oh, that's what that is? i thought that was there just for ambiance; yeah, that would work" Enyo grabs her roll of Flex Tape and begins taping up the roof pieces until it is whole again, then affixes it in place with more Flex Tape. "now that fresca is even more beautiful for having been broken and repaired with flex tape" "god bless that roll" " Enyo twirls the roll on her finger and puts it back in its holster. "as the goddess of war, i have seen many battlefields, and i have never seen a soldier with a wound i could not patch with flex tape" "i'll bet" Michelle enters the room, having cut her finger open. Enyo slaps some Flex Tape on it. "good as new" "thanks; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Exclusivity Agreement [Enyo]
"hey jakey check it out: the goddess apate has agreed to campaign for me on the phone; she even signed an exclusivity deal, see?" Enyo holds up a document signed by "Apâte". "hmm" "let us watch her in action" Enyo and Jakey peer around the corner to watch Apate handle a call on speaker. "hello there miss lacroix; i am calling to support the campaign of enyo for the office of queen of olympus; it is your civic duty as a non-evil entity to vote, and i want to make sure you make the best choice for you" "what can this 'enyo' offer to me?" "well enyo is the goddess of war" "i thought ares was the god of war" "yes, and enyo is the goddess of war; this world has a lot of wars" "okay fair enough" "and as queen of the gods, enyo would have the power to declare a full-scale war on anything she desires, with the full resources of olympus behind her" "is this a threat?" "no no no no; it's a promise that if you vote for enyo, she will declare war on art critics the world over" "wait, really?" "yes; no longer will your actual art be passed over in favour of literal garbage, but instead, a new wave of art appreciation will follow, and you will be at the top of that heap" "oh boy; i will definitely be voting for enyo then" "thanks a bundle; you're all right kid; i don't care what athena says" "wait what does athena say?" "the self-proclaimed 'goddess of wisdom' talked to me about your paintings - and i completely disagree with all of her statements of course - but she told me they were absolute tripe and were only fit for use as rags to wash the dishes" "WHAT." "and then she went on to say that if she was elected queen of olympus, she would organise a task force to find every piece of art you ever made and destroy it publically and maybe even hang you for what she describes as crimes against beauty" "WHAT THE FUCK" "yeah it's terrible; so be sure to get your friends to not vote for athena" "oh i will; she can be sure of that, and i will also make as much anti-athena artwork as i can" "that's the spirit kid" Apate hangs up, her duty done. "she is simply a master" "indeed" Michelle walks in and hangs one of Alison's paintings in the Luminous Villa. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: A Bridge Over Troubled Water [Enyo]
"hey jakey you know what any campaign needs?" "a celebrity endorsement, specifically from the girl in the tub" "yes, so guard my bubbled bath and only come in if i yell 'SODIUM DIACETATE'" "you can count on me" Enyo grabs her rubber sherman tank and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫oh i, i just died in your arms tonight; it must have been something you said♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, but is saddened when it is cut short. "SODIUM DIACETATE SODIUM DIACETATE" Jakey bursts into the room, where he sees Enyo being held at gunpoint by Gobriella. "what in the world are you doing gobriella?!" "lilith told me to kill hestia for being an ugly ginger um dopper gang man" "doppelganger?" "yeah that" "well um good news gobriella: that is not hestia; i killed hestia myself" "oh" Gobriella hangs her head. "i did a bad job" "no no; your um distraction caused me to be able to kill her myself so in essence you were 100% responsible for hestia's death" "so i did a good job?!" "yes, now go and tell lilith that you killed hestia; you can have all the credit" "hooray!!!" Gobriella skips back to the Sinful Manse, spirits lifted by her success. "you should have just shot her" "goblins can't die" "shame" Michelle walks up and holds Jakey at gunpoint. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: A Very Unimportant Interlude [Enyo]
"hey there jakey; unimportant was just telling me about the stars and yadda yadda yadda" "she does that" "so she gave me all the materials she'd prepared for hestia and told me i should seek out aquariuses due to hestia and me being libras" "really, unimportant? you'd give enyo and hestia the same sign?" "eh my horoscope told me to just roll with it" "fair enough" "and what are the personality traits of these 'aquariuses'" "aquariuses are clever, innovative, confident, and truthful" "that sounds just like dionysus" "i'll say" "so i need to approach these aquariuses with some wine" "never hurts to offer your constituents wine" "all right; let's go get some primo wine from the dionyster" Enyo snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey end up back at King Bran's castle, where KB is passed out on his throne after partying all week. "hey dionysus" "yo enyo and j-bro; how does the campaign go" "we're progressing steadily; i need some wine though" "oh yeah can't have a political rally without wine; here you go" Dionysus produces a cask of wine. "this is my special vintage, dionysus 1814; the industrial-era smog made the wines pop in a way they haven't been able to since" "are you sure you want to hand over an 1814? you must be running low" "eh, i've become good friends with that timera girl; she'll warp me back anytime i need to make some more" "demonesses and olympians get along better than i'd imagined" "well to be fair, it's hard to hate a guy who only wants to drink and share his wine" "true" Michelle walks up with an empty cask of 1814 that Dionysus had given her five minutes ago. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: The Power of the Gods [Enyo]
"so, first aquarius on our list is the dread sailor captain morgan rio" "yeah she died about three years ago and became a ghost and i haven't seen her around lately" "that is not obstacle for an olympian goddess" Enyo snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear on the dock next to Morgan's ghost ship. "captain morgan? i am the goddess enyo" "oh, hi" "are you okay up there?" "every night i haunt the high seas and it sucks; i haven't been able to drink a drop of rum since i died because they don't have any ghost rum laying around" "well, miss captain morgan, how would you like to walk the land of the living again?" "huh?" "i am an olympian goddess; i can purify your evil soul and turn you from a ghost back to a dread human pirate captain; all i ask in return is your vote in the upcoming olyction" "please do it; i will vote for you nine times" "i'll hold you to that" Enyo snaps her fingers, and Morgan returns to the land of the living. Since she is no longer a ghost, she falls right through her ship's hull into the ocean below. "HELP I'M DROWNING" "oh um sorry about that" Enyo pulls Morgan up with her olympian magicq. "thanks i thought i was a goner again" "yeah sorry; you can vote for me only eight times if you want" "no no i'm good for nine" "okay; see you at the polls" "i am going to get WASTED on rum tonight and then i will go and plunder pieces o reese's" "godspeed morgan; godspeed" Morgan whistles for Trixie's magical taxi service, and the two warp off for the bar. Shortly thereafter, Trixie returns with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Cure for What? [Enyo]
"next aquarius on our list is the dark elf nurse, panacea moreno" Enyo snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear inside Victorrhea's personal hospital. "you're not on the guest list" "i'm here to speak to panacea about the olyction" Victorrhea hits her silent alarm button, and Enyo is thrown out by Orianna. "wait um that wasn't nike was it" "no, that was enyo" "oh good; i'm voting for nike in the upcoming olyction because she promised to cure timinchinitis" "but without a terminal illness, you'll have no reason to live in this personal hospital" "that's fine; after all, the real terminal illness was the friends we made along the way" "mmm" Enyo claws her way back into the hospital. "panacea come out here so i can convince you to vote for me without this orc (wo)manhandling me constantly" "no; miss victorrhea told us to vote for nike as she will cure timinchinitis and my duty as a nurse is to assist in the curing of any and all diseases" "but i brought vintage wine; a whole cask of the 1814 vintage" "industrial-era wine?! are you trying to kill us?! smog was found in the late 19th century to be bad for you" "yeah but this was the early 19th century when smog was still good for you" "orianna, remove this goddess and her cask from the premises" "when i become queen of olympus, i am declaring war on this hospital" "oh that'll win you voters" Enyo is kicked out, and Michelle is kicked in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: I Found Out Long Ago, It's a Long Way Down That Holiday Road [Enyo]
"well jakey; the time is finally upon us - five days remain until christmas" "indeed" "now it is time for my master plan to come into play" "that doesn't sound good" "i have been studying the greatest election blunders in history, and one sticks out: lilith's 2024 attempt to steal christmas, which tanked her hellection" "alongside killing thombus, who had tenure" "yes, i took great care to not kill thombus, but also: i am going to SAVE christmas" "from what?" "an unfortunate accident that will render santa unable to deliver the presents" "so you're going to put christmas in jeopardy so you can save it?" "yes, it's called politics; you create a bad situation, then fix it and people mostly remember the fixing" "so how are you going to grievously injure santa" "i'm not telling you because you'll try to thwart it" "smart" Michelle walks in and causes a grievous injury to herself so Jakey will be forced to take her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Generally Grievous [Enyo]
"well i've done it jakey; i've grievously injured santa" "WHAT. you did that without me?!" "we've been over this; you would have tried to thwart it" "well how'd you do it" "oh no, i don't want you getting into your little time machine and thwarting it then either" "i like to thwart" "well either way: i managed to grievously injure santa without alerting his snow elves, so when i swoop in, they will be more receptive to it than if they had witnessed me putting santa into a coma" "you put him in a coma?!" "he'll be fine; it will only last six days" "i hope for all of our sakes that this is the last election we'll ever need" "well stop allowing queens to die; if you had taken out lilith before she could kill hera, we wouldn't be in this situation" "oh no, i'm sure lilith has some crazy shit in line for succession to her country" "lilith has her own country now? weird" "yeah i thought so" Michelle walks in, her grievous injury healed. "jakey i have elected you to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: On the Up and Also the Up [Enyo]
Jakey arrives at the North Pole on Christmas Eve as Enyo is loading the sleigh in front of a group of four nervous snow elves. The head snow elf, Snovia, approaches Jakey. "hey um jakey? you know this enyo lady? is she on the up-and-up" "her interest in saving christmas is genuine" "okay i guess; i just get really nervous whenever santa is incapacitated" "so does everyone, i'd imagine" "indeed; santa is the ideal we all aspire to" "FEAR NOT, SNOW ELVES!!! I, ENYO, SHALL SAVE CHRISTMAS!!! HO HO AND ALSO HO!!!" Enyo cracks the reins. "ON DASHER, ON DANCER!!! ON PRANCER AND NIXON!!! ON COMET, ON CUPID!!! ON DONDER AND BLITZEN!!!" Enyo and the reindeer fly off to deliver the presents all across the world. "so tell it to me straight jakey: did enyo grievously injure santa and put him in a coma so she could save the christmas she ruined so she looks good on the polls" "yes" "i need a drink" "i know where a cask of 1814 dionysus wine is" "say no more; we will follow you to the ends of the earth until we get some of that smoggy goodness" Jakey leads the snow elves back to the Luminous Villa, wher they crack open the cask of 1814 Dionysus wine, the smoggy fumes tickling their lungs in all the best ways. "they just don't make em like this any more" Jakey, Michelle, and the snow elves drink and drink until the cask is empty. "merry christmas" "indeed it is" Jakey turns to Michelle. "here is my present to you michelle: i am going to take you home" Michelle gasps in excitement. "how did you know i always wanted you to take me home?!"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: Takin' a Dive 'cause You Can't Halt the Slide, Floating Downstream [Enyo]
"well i did it jakey; christmas was saved and my approval rating is through the roof" "congratulations" "i'm not even mad that you and the snow elves drank my cask of 1814 dionysus wine" "neither am i" "so a happy new year to you jakey; have fun with athena next month" "is she bad?" "the worst" "joy" "well, actually, eileithyia is the worst, but we don't talk about her" "is she the terraphina analog?" "yes, and she makes terraphina look like a pleasant person" "can i get a QRD?" "okay, but only the Q-est of RDs; eileithyia is the goddess of childbirth and she takes it like it's a full-contact sport; she is always pumping those things out" "ew" "exactly; now i wish you hadn't dranken my wine because i could use a tall mug" "did someone say wine?" Dionysus appears in the doorway with another cask of 1814 wine. "merry christmas, enyo, j-bro" "i wish i could vote for you" "same honestly" "well, j-bro, go kill zeus and maybe we can talk" "i don't think i could handle multiple olyctions in one lifetime letalone one year" "fair" Jakey, Michelle, Enyo, and Dionysus drink and drink until the cask is empty. "merry christmas everybody" "let's do this every year - NO, every week" "i can dig it" Michelle attempts to drive herself home, but can't even stick the key into the ignition. "jakey be a dear and take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]