A Heavenly Thing (2027)

Mission 051: Enlightened Excitement [Candice]
"jakey jakey did you hear?" "about?" "[NAME REDACTED] no longer has crimson bovine energy supplements as a corporate sponsor!!!" "oh that's good" "yes, now i can get my proper allotment of energy every day without the horrible flavours of other energy supplements" "yeah crimson bovine only tastes slightly bad" "you know it" "so what are you going to do with all of this extra energy" "i've built five houses in the last hour" "really? that quickly?" "i am as a machine; your dialogues run in slow motion compared to the pure energy i've amassed" "really" "yeah, want to see me run to canada and back?" "yeah" "want to see me do it again?" "one more time to be safe" "okay done" "yeah so long as [NAME REDACTED] doesn't sign a new sponsorship deal with [NAME REDACTED]-OH NO!!!" Candice attempts to chug down a Crimson Bovine energy supplement, but she can't even grab the can. "life is pain" "i'm sure she did that on purpose" "i wouldn't put it past her; oh how i hate that [NAME REDACTED]" Michelle walks up and puts a Crimson Bovine cap onto Candice's head, but it falls right off. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 052: Enlightened Malaise [Candice]
"candice you look um sluggish" "you know how some people are like 'don't talk to me before i've had my coffee'? well i was always that way with [NAME REDACTED], so i need to push through this lethargic malaise every day until the sponsorship deal runs out" "it says here that the great cheryl land has signed a five-year deal with crimson bovine" "life is pain" "that's the spirit" "i'm going to go build a house; it'll probably take me all day to do just the one" "that's still a very rapid pace" "not when i've booked twelve a day for the next month" "you could always use a time machine to have multiple time-copies of yourself making twelve houses per day" "and i'll age a whole year in just one month" "or OR i just a good idea of how to better use the time machine for once in my life" "that's unprecedented" "go back in time to before crimson bovine became a corporate sponsor, and drink it then" "jakey you might be a genius; either that, or [NAME REDACTED] is an evil genius if this doesn't work" Candice hops into the time machine, and returns a moment later, dejected. "it didn't work?" "not in the past nor the future; this magickal restraining order is ridiculous" Michelle walks up chugging a Crimson Bovine energy supplement, causing Candice to sob uncontrollably. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 053: What's in a Name? [Ruth]
"hey ruth any interesting inspections today" "i've got one for that new band that just formed with the demoness of music at the head" "i would like to see this" "go right ahead; BAND INSPECTION" Ruth opens the door to the band's practice space. Julia and Scarlett are chained up so they cannot escape band practice. "nice use of restraints on unruly band members" "thanks i know" "i'd like to see your band's logo if i may" "by all means" Melody hands Ruth the band logo that Gobrina made. Ruth's eyes begin to bleed. "papyrus AND comic sans?! i'm not even going to mention these colours because my corneas may be permanently scarred from this" "and your retinas" Ruth stamps a big "FAILED" on the band's logo, as well as on everything she can get her stamper on. "thank you miss barlow" Melody snaps her fingers, causing the band's logo to disappear, leaving only the "FAILED" stamp. "this is my new band name, FAILED" "that's just stupid" Ruth re-stamps over her "FAILED" stamp and leaves the building. "okay everyone back to practicing" "we've been practicing for five days straight" "i've got blisters on my fingers" "my voice is so hoarse it could run the kentucky derby" "wah wah wah" Michelle walks up and attempts to give Scarlett a soothing lozenge, but Melody steals it for her own use. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Melody missions]

Mission 054: Perfect Harmony [Ruth]
"hey ruth any more interesting inspections lined up" "yeah, now i have to inspect icelia's band; come and watch, for contrast" "all right" "BAND INSPECTION" Ruth opens the door to the band's practice space. Icelia, Mavis, Jessica, and Lizzy are all laughing and having a good time. "genuine comaraderie? nice touch" "icelia takes pride in icelia's band's genuine comaraderie" "what have you got in the mini-fridge" "a miniature refrigerator? oh~hohohohohohoho~!!! icelia laughs at the very idea!!!" "you can't have a practice space without a mini-fridge" "icelia certainly does not need such a device; icelia's demonic ice powers can chill any drink without the need for your primitive little human device" "yeah we can just leave our drinks anywhere we want" "we like to scatter them around the room so one is always nearby" "that violates protocol; get yourselves a mini-fridge or you'll be shut down" Ruth stamps a big "FAILED" onto every single drink in the practice space. Michelle pushes in a maxi-fridge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 055: From the Dead [Ilona]
"hey kid how's it going; i need your help collecting a debt" "okay who is it" "it's a man this time, by the name of ronaldo gonzales" "weird but okay" "well here's the thing: ronaldo gonzales died last year" "so what, you want me to dig up his grave to see if his wallet has a crisp fiver in it?" "no need, no need; the gravedigger took care of that detail" "valerie?" "yeah her; she saw that crisp fiver - MY crisp fiver - hanging out of poor ronaldo's shirt pocket, and thought it was better to pocket that crisp fiver rather than let it get buried six feet deep" "anyone would have done the same thing" "oh yes; i'm actually glad that my crisp fiver avoided being covered in all that dirt, but i need you to get it back for me from the gravedigger by threatening to break her legs" "okay, i'll head out" "she's a timid one, so if need be, apply some pressure; go for the good eye" Ilona winks at Jakey and he leaves for Valerie's shack. Upon arrival, Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "h-hello!!! jakey s-something incredible happened!!!" "what would that be" "s-so th-this guy right? h-he comes up a-and says 'i'm l-looking for f-fivers that are incredibly c-crisp; pristine i-in their crispiness', right? a-a-and i-i-i j-just so h-happen to h-have found j-just such a f-fiver!!! j-just last year!!! i-it was in th-this corpse's sh-shirt pocket s-so i-i-i just g-grabbed it" "okay and what did you get in exchange for that crisp fiver?" "..." "..." "o-oh no" "huh?" "i-i-i-i w-was s-so excited a-about the s-serendipity th-that i-i-i-i f-forgot to ask f-for anything i-in return!!!" "it happens" "i-i-i-i f-feel so s-stupid" "it's okay, we all make mistakes" "th-the g-guy's n-name was 'sir bonward von p-prancelbottom'" "that is clearly a fake a name" "o-oh no" "but i know exactly who would call herself 'sir bonward'" "h-herself?" "yeah, sioby masterson, thief of some description" "i-i-i d-did tell the g-guy that he s-seemed more like a 'siobward' th-than a 'bonward'" "i'm off to retrieve your crisp fiver so i can threaten to break your legs if you don't give it to me to give back to ilona" "wh-WHAT" "oh right; that corpse was on its way to return the crisp fiver to the adventures in debenture moneylender, and i received specific instructions to threaten to break your legs; i didn't want to, but you know how demonesses get; better that i do it than someone who actually would want to break your legs for fun" "j-just t-take it d-direct t-to her p-please" "okay cool; see you later" "y-yeah" Jakey heads off to Siobhan's hideout, where she has framed the crisp fiver and placed it on her wall. "oh hi jakey; check out this fiver i found; i've never seen one so crisp before" "i know what you did" "damn, i was hoping you'd meet us in the opposite order so i got to appreciate this crisp fiver a bit more" "that sounds like it would be a pain in the ass; meet you, notice your nice crisp fiver, hear valerie's story about the crisp fiver, come back to get her back the crisp fiver, meet with ilona the demoness of moneylending, hear that it's actually HER crisp fiver, go BACK to valerie to retrieve the crisp fiver, learn she probably bought ice cream with it or something-" "wait, did you say ilona? the demoness of moneylending?" "yeah it was originally her crisp fiver and she wants it back" "okay take it; i wash my hands of this ordeal" "smart" Jakey takes the crisp fiver from its frame, and returns to Ilona. "it was an ordeal, but i have recovered your crisp fiver" "sweet thanks; here's your collateral back" Ilona hands over Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions/Siobhan missions]

Mission 056: The Day We've Been Waiting For [Icelia]
"today is the day jakey; the day icelia defeats that 'melody' and proves that icelia is the true demoness of music" "so what are the stakes" "winner (icelia) gets to be called the demoness of music for the rest of time; loser gets disintegrated" "standard demoness competition then" "indeed; please take your seat and watch the battle of icelia's band vs the group of musicians melody kidnapped and forced to play for her" "i can't believe i lived long enough to see a competition where icelia is truly the good guy" "icelia is the champion of the people; adieu" Jakey takes his seat as Ruth takes the stage as chief inspector. "hello and welcome to the battle of the bands; my name is ruth barlow, and i will be inspecting the competition and determining a winner; rest assured that my judgement will be objective, and not at all determined by what you untrained masses enjoy" "um, hooray?" "first up is icelia and icelia's friends, playing their song, icelia's song" As Icelia takes the stage and her band begins to play their song, the power is cut to Icelia's microphone. However, the crowd knows every word to Icelia's song, and fills in the gap until Icelia's microphone is turned back on. The crowd erupts into cheers, and Icelia's band takes their leave. "a huge technical issue for icelia's band means points off the board; melody's band will have to truly suck for icelia's band to overcome such a thing" "SERIOUSLY? melody clearly sabotaged icelia's microphone" "strong accusation, miss forge; as a precaution, during melody's performance, we will post more guards to the sound area so that her performance cannot be sabotaged" "BUT WHAT ABOUT OURS?!" "i'm docking points for miss forge's rudeness; next up, melody's band, the melodious melody" As Melody's band plays their song flawlessly and without issue, Jakey sneaks backstage. "i can't believe that inspector" "what a fucking cunt she is" "that's not ruth barlow" "how do you know?" "there's a zipper on the back of her neck" "oh" "that would do it" "i have a plan; allow me to whisper it to you" Jakey whispers his plan to Icelia and Icelia's friends, concluding as Melody finishes her song. "we're going on tour after this, you know; i've got julia and scarlett magickally chained up for five years after we win" "yeah you clearly put on the better performance; no technical issues whatsoever" "thanks!!!" Not-Ruth takes the stage again. "well it's pretty obvious who the winner is, right? the winner of the battle of the bands is-" Just then, Not-Ruth's mouth is frozen shut, and her legs are frozen to the stage. "oh look, icelia is throwing one of her trademark tantrums" "yeah yeah" Jakey heads onto the stage and pulls down Not-Ruth's zipper, revealing the true identity of the inspector, while the rest of Icelia's band carries a still-tied up Ruth onto the stage. "you were supposed to untie her first" "ohhhhhhh" "sorry" As the band unties the real Ruth, everyone turns attention toward Not-Ruth. "oh my god" "i didn't expect it to be you" "never in a million years would i have expected it to be this person i've never met before" "that's rachel jackson, the actress" "OH right her; sorry, i have met her before" "this was to be my greatest role but oh what a shame" Ruth stands up and dusts herself off. "melody is disqualified for obvious tampering; she and miss jackson are both to be disintegrated" "i believe that's fair" Ruth disintegrates both Melody and Rachel, ending their respective reigns of terror. "i'm sure that disintegrating rachel will have no negative repercussions in the future" Everyone onstage laughs as Icelia is presented with her hard-earned trophy, and Jakey is presented with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions/NOT Melody missions]

Mission 057: Messing with the Rabble [Irona]
"hey irona what's up" "oh hi jakey; i wanted to mess with some mortals today, but i'm tired of messing with odilia and her sports championships, so i'm going to mess with a different orc" "smart; spread the hate" "exactly; check this out" Irona brings up a feed of the Radiant Forest, where Oslynn aka Nilla Waphyr is jockeying some discs. The crowd is hyped, and Oslynn's beats are fresh as ever. Irona wiggles her fingers, and a horrible screeching noise comes from the internals of the DJ booth. Oslynn, of course, recorded the noise, and keeps repeating it at regular intervals to make it seem intentional. "oh she's good" Irona snaps her fingers, and the lights cease to work, leaving Oslynn DJing in the dark. Everyone thinks it's part of the show, and continues to dance on. "fine, fine; let's see her recover from this one" Irona concentrates, and removes the needles from the turntables. Oslynn opts instead to use her naturally hard, metal-esque orcish nails to much the same effect. "i know when i have been defeated" Irona switches channels and makes Odilia's putter swing around and bap her in the nose, which counts as a stroke, allowing Michelle to win the tournament. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions/Nilla Waphyr missions]

Mission 058: Fiver Is Aliver [Robo-Hobo Mk II]
"please sir may i have a crisp fiver; i am homeless and destitute" "do you plan to spend this fiver on fubuki's smoke" "there is a high likelihood" "i can buy you a sandwich if you'd like" "why put yourself out? with a crisp fiver, i can buy everything i need without any additional hardship from you" "goodbye, robo-hobo" As Jakey walks off, Oslynn comes by and drops a crisp hunner into the Robo-Hobo's hat. "odlynn what the fuck" "she was clearly in need of cash; i've got plenty to spare" "she isn't going to spend that on food" "how do you know" Jakey points behind Oslynn, at the Robo-Hobo spending the whole crisp hunner on twenty vials of smoke. "well um now she has enough to last her a while so she can concentrate on gathering food" Jakey points behind Oslynn, at the Robo-Hobo opening every vial and inhaling all twenty batches of smoke at once. "fine, i'll never give money to the homeless again" "good" Michelle walks up and drops a crisp tenner into the Robo-Hobo's hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fubuki missions]

Mission 059: Back to Black [King Bran]
"jakey what is going on with the robo-hobo?" "she's become addicted to the smoke of the demoness of smoke, and her programming has rewritten itself to prioritise inhaling more smoke over everything else" "we need to get her into some kind of rehabilitation group" "the only rehabilitation group i know of is murderholics anonymous" "curse this flat earth and its people's predisposition to not engage in risky dangerous behaviours that will obviously have negative consequences down the line" "if only our people were dumb enough to spend large amounts of cash on harmful chemicals that create psychological needs in people" "i guess the robo-hobo experiment was destined to fail" "the demonesses are too strong" King Bran inputs the shutdown code for the Robo-Hobo, shutting down both Robo-Hobos for good by completely frying their circuitry and causing them to explode. "i'll have to train that crack squad of hobos now" "it will be worth it, in the end" "i suppose" King Bran sighs, and mourns the departed Robo-Hobo while Michelle plays Taps. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 060: The Conspiracy Theorem [Violet]
"so violet, any scoops lately?" "the rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper jakey; you know those thirteen major demonesses running amok?" "i've heard of them" "well i did some digging and it turns out there are also MINOR demonesses" "yes, hence the distinction" "but more interesting than that: each of the thirteen major demonesses has an olympian counterpart" "what do you mean by that" "well, netwton's third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; ergo, for every great evil in the world, there is also a great good" "okay i guess" "the angels are the counterparts to the minor demonesses, while the major demonesses are contrasted by the olympians; the greek goddesses" "like, aphrodite and shit?" "exactly, and i have here IRREFUTABLE blurry photographic evidence of hera, queen of the gods" Violet holds up a blurry black and white photograph. "that's just eleatrice in a different outfit" "have you ever known eleatrice to wear more than one outfit?!" "it may have been laundry day" "no, this is hera, queen of the gods, and counterpart to eleatrice" "firstly, this photograph was clearly taken at a laundromat" "sheer coincidence" "and secondly, why would the queen of the gods be a counterpart to eleatrice, when jezzie was queen of hell for millions and millions of years compared to eleatrice's what? five? total?" "eleatrice was always destined to be queen of hell; it just took a while" "i don't believe you" "oh i will make a believer out of you if it's the last thing i do; give me a kick" Violet slams her trash can down on its side, and Jakey kicks her off into the distance. Michelle then arrives with irrefutable blurry photographic evidence of her own. "i will leak these blurry photographs to the press if you do not take me home" "these are of yourself, baking cookies in the nude" "yes, and? take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 061: An Unmatched Love [Violet]
"okay jakey i've got an even irrefutabler piece of blurry photographic evidence for you now" "why does it always have to be blurry" "pfft; you know nothing about journalism, do you? the blurriness is what makes it authentic" "how so" "it-it just does, okay? now stop asking dumb questions and look at this" Violet holds up a blurry black and white photograph. "jezzie at the supermarket?" "that's aphrodite, the goddess of love" "seriously? jezzie's counterpart is the goddess of love?" "how many times did jezzie try to get you to marry her again?" "fair enough i guess; why is she in the supermarket" "look at what she's perusing" "shelves" "shelves of?" "things that are too blurry for me to make out" "they're greeting cards" "you say that like it's some huge truth bomb" "it is; what is a greater expression of love than a hallmark greeting card? aphrodite was blessing these holy relics for us mere mortals, so that we can express our love to one another" "next you'll tell me poseidon was blessing the cans of tunafish" "he was but i didn't get any photographs of it" "of course" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a Hallmark greeting card. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 062: New World Order [Resistance Leadour]
"hey ressie; you look bored" "i am simply resisting complacency; i desire bigger and better resistances" "so what's the big new one you've concocted" "you know vampires?" "a few" "apparently, they are afflicted with a disease known as vampirism, which makes them deathly allergic to sunlight, garlic, crosses, and holy water, and they are legally classified as undead despite simply being diseased" "maybe the clerk misread 'diseased' as 'deceased'" "possible, but that is neither here nor there; today, i plan my grandest resistance yet: i will resist vampirism and cure the afflicted" "interesting idea; do you have a volunteer" "pfft; i resist the need for consent" "ho boy this is going to end very well, surely" "my name is not shirley; in fact, it resists being shirley" Resistance Leadour resists her and Jakey's current location, effectively transporting the two to Gwendolyn's apartment. "hi jakey, hi strange lady" "hello gwendo" "VAMPIRE!!! TODAY, YOU WILL BE CURED OF YOUR AFFLICTION!!!" "oh will i?" "i shall resist vampirism and change you back to your human form!!!" "i do not consent to this" "pshaw; PSHAW, I SAY!!!" "jakey can you please shoot this lady" "i can but it won't affect anything; watch" Jakey shoots Resistance Leadour square between the eyes, but she resists the shot. Gwendolyn sighs. "i resign myself to this fate" "that's the spirit" Resistance Leadour begins to resist Gwendolyn's vampirism, turning Gwendolyn's eyes back to green and shrinking her fangs down to regular canines. "VIOLA!!! YOU HAVE BEEN CURED!!!" "i see that you don't resist being overly dramatic" "i resist being UNDERLY dramatic" "of course" Gwendolyn grabs her bottle of blood and takes a swig. She immediately spits it out. "great, now i need to completely restock the contents of my fridge" "you're welcome" Michelle walks in and takes a swig from Gwendolyn's bottle of blood. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 063: Pages of Red [Mary]
"so mary a while has passed; have you found anything in the redpages" "well sir it appears that the demoness best-known for imprisoning is the former queen of hell, jezebel" "that works" "correct me if i'm wrong sir but didn't you kill her not too long ago" "she got better" "and she doesn't bear a grudge sir?" "if she does, she has hidden it very, very well" "i'll defer to you sir; if it's all right, i'd like to hide in my drawer until this is all over sir" "go right ahead" "thanks sir" As Mary flies off to the protection of her drawer, Jakey performs the ritual to summon Jezzie. He calls her on her cellphone. "yellow" "hey jezzie i've got a predicament i need your expertise with" "predicaments are my specialty" "so mary recently freed an evil genie with her first wish, and now she's presumably wreaking havoc around the world" "i haven't heard of any havoc being wreaked lately, and my havoc-detecting senses are pretty finely-tuned" "maybe she's biding her time" "perhaps; i'll summon her and you and we can work this out" Jezzie does just that, and Genevieve arrives wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping alcohol from a coconut. "um were you on vacation" "obviously; i was finally freed from my prison after millions of years, so i wanted a real vacation with palm trees and drinks with umbrellas" "oh well this is embarrassing" "were you planning on trying to trap me back in my lamp because of the havoc i might wreak" "yes?" "come on give me a chance; i was planning on staying on vacation for at least a few years" "fine, but any wreaking from you and it's back in that lamp" "yes, mother" Genevieve produces a rude gesture as Jezzie teleports her back to her vacation. "well egg on my face" "it was a legitimate concern" "could you just teleport michelle in; i'm feeling pretty embarrassed" "oh sure" Jezzie teleports in Michelle, who was also on a similar vacation, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and drinking from a coconut. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 064: Hidden Talents [Gobigail]
"hey gobigail; you look sad, what's up" "lilith doesn't seem to think i did a good job" "at what" "lilith told me to paint a fresca on the ceiling and i think i did a really good job" Gobigail points to a painting of a can of Fresca she'd made on the ceiling. "that's a really good fresca; i can't imagine anyone painting a better one" "that's what i said!!!" "i'll talk to her" "thanks jakey" Jakey heads for Lilith's office. "hey lil, i just talked to gobigail" "she is such a frustrating THING to deal with" "that fresca she painted on the ceiling was immaculate" "yeah, i can't imagine a more vivid depiction of a can of fresca" "then what's the problem" "i asked for a fresco with an O" "oh yeah that makes sense" "i wanted the sinful manse to have a large depiction of me and my evil, but instead i got a can of zero-calorie, sugar-free 'soda' but REALLY? can anything zero-calorie or sugar-free really be called a soda?" "no, it certainly cannot" Michelle walks in and throws her can of Fresca to the ground in disgust. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 065: Forthright Talents [Sophia]
"hey sophie how's taking care of a goblin been going" "oh it's been great; i asked gobecca to paint a fresca on the ceiling, and i mean just look at it" Sophia gives a chef's kiss in the direction of the can of Fresca painted on the ceiling. "eh i've seen better" "well she's no michaelangelo or even donatello, but she's doing her best" "so, any exciting assassination contracts lately?" "oh yeah, gobecca even helps me out by distracting the targets for me and she takes stray bullets like a champ" "i'll bet" "yeah, accidentally having my soul bound to this goblin was the best thing that's happened to me since that time you brought me back to life" "what about becoming a war hero" "that one's good too; top five, definitely" "what is the top five" "let's see; meeting mr shooty, being brought back to life, having my soul bound to gobecca, becoming a war hero, and that meatball sub i had the other day at sergio's" "yeah most of my top five is food from sergio's" Michelle walks in. "and most of my top five is times when i told jakey to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 066: Shake Your Moneymaker [Eleatrice]
"jakey there has been a disturbance in my bank account" "i swear i was not the one who used your debit card to buy something called 'the aspiring amethyst' and 'the pining topaz' just to be sure they weren't real mystic artefacts" "what?" "nothing; what was your thing" "hell's number one moneymaker has gone silent; she is known to slack off, but usually we get at least some passive income" "maybe she said something socially unacceptable and lost all her sponsors" "what? no she does that sort of thing all the time" "oh" "we need to head to the source" Eleatrice snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey end up at Gwendolyn's apartment. "uh hey um boss" "what happened to you?!" "well um my vampirism was cured, without my consent, i must add" "you poor thing; let me unremedy this" Eleatrice bites Gwendolyn on the neck herself, giving Gwendolyn vampirism again. "great, now i need to completely restock the contents of my fridge AGAIN" "hey wait i didn't know that you could turn people into vampires eleatrice" "it's a standard demoness thing; i can turn you if you'd like" "i'll um pass" "suit yourself; ciao" Eleatrice teleports away. "so how does it feel to be a vampire again" "it's a relief; i was getting really tired of that breathing thing humans need to do" "yeah it sucks" Michelle walks up, breathing all over Gwendolyn's apartment. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 067: Extremity [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice; what's with the hardhats" "busara has agreed to stop protesting the wicked chateau if we make some infrastructure improvements" "of what sort" "she wants every road in hell to have either a sick jump or a loop-de-loop" "reasonable" "also, she has demanded higher speed limits and wide intersections to allow for her to drift her bus around corners" "i can get behind this" "yeah these ideas are great; i wish she'd brought them to my attention years ago; i would have made them campaign promises" Michelle curls up into a ball and speeds through the newly-constructed loop-de-loop. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions]

Mission 068: A Foregone Conclusion [Scarlett]
"hey scarlett how's it feel no longer being a thrall of the demoness of music" "it's great; to celebrate, i am going to take a bath" "i would have expected no less from you" "so could you please guard my bath as only you can, and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫hey now where did we go? days when the rains came♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a tour group marches up the stairs, led by Busara. "and here we have scenic scarlett's bathroom, where if you listen closely, you can hear from her a jolly tune; listen" "♫YOU, MY BROWN-EYED GIRL♫" "let us sneak a peak" "no one gets past" "jakey, kid, listen: my tour group paid to see scarlett perform, not to listen to her through the door" "no one gets past; you can't just decide to run a tour through someone's private residence" "true, which is why i have a signed document by scarlett herself saying we could" "allow me to read this" Jakey pores over the document while the tour group gets testy. "it says here you are allowed to listen through the door, but not to enter the bathroom during a bubblybath" "yeah but i crossed that part out with a red sharpie, which legally cancels that bit of the contract" "no one gets past" "spoilsport" Scarlett wraps up her jolly tune and exits the bathroom wearing a towel. At this point, she would be worried if there wasn't someone waiting to accost her, so she's graciously signs an autograph for everyone. Michelle manages to get three. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 069: Rock-Hard [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫well my baby and me went out late saturday night♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a scholarly goblin waltzes up the stairs. "hmm my good man, please allow me into the porcelain paradise beyond your personage; i have always longed to perform a glossal experiment on those bubbles that miss scarlett uses in her bathing" "scarlett told me not to let anyone in" "but my dear boy, this is for science!!! my scientific curiosity will simply drive me mad if i do not press my tongue to one of those bathly bubbles" "no one gets past" "♫WE'RE GONNA ROCK THIS TOWN, ROCK IT INSIDE OUT♫" "and what have rocks got to do with it?! my curiosity was piqued before, but now it is simply a desperate thirst!!! my scientific mind is dehydrated due to a lack of nourishment!!! why, i may go mad on the spot" "no one gets past" "you, sir, are impeding scientic progress; why, there ought to be a law" "cry about it" "do not tempt me, you dour door-guarding rapscallion" Soon, Scarlett finishes her bath, and Gobitha rushes in to lick one of her bubbles before it plunges down the drain, never to be seen again. "what an interesting flavour!!! what ho!!!" "i'm not even going to ask" "smart" Michelle walks up to Jakey, performing her own glossal experiments on a lollipop. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 070: Better Than Before [Julia]
"hey julia how's it feel no longer being a thrall of the demoness of music" "wait, she made me a THRALL?! without a thrall-making permit?!" "her evil truly knows no bounds" "that's simply sick and twisted; i can't believe someone would circumvent the permit system like that" "i can't believe this park has such a thing as a thrall-making permit" "why would you be surprised at that? it's been used on you countless times" "what" "you know that girl, your sister, right? every time she comes in here, she flashes her thrall-making permit due to the fact that she's made you her thrall" "what, i'm not-" Julia points at Michelle, who is standing behind Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 071: New Edition [Sabrina Sable]
"hey jakey check out what i found at the dump" "is that the necronomicon" "yeah and it's simply a chore to read; the font the author chose is absolutely terrible" "i'm not sure the necronomicon has an author; i'm pretty sure it just always was" "so it existed before the invention of fonts? i can excuse it i suppose, but i'm working on a second edition of the book" "a second edition of the necronomicon" "yeah, instead of this dumpster fire of a font, it will be written in beautiful tahoma" "well that is a beautiful font, but the necronomicon is a book of unspeakable evil and probably shouldn't be copied" "you're just being paranoid; i'm already halfway done, see?" "the ancient incantations are much easier to read now" "exactly; what good is an incantation you can't read? once, my cousin molly, you remember her, right? she tried to cast the incantation to make toast, but instead she accidentally burned down the orphanage" "an easy mistake to make" "so i figure that having these evil incantations be more legible will allow people to practice the evil they want to the first time and avoid a bunch of unnecessary accidental evil" "makes sense, actually; carry on" Michelle walks up and glances at the necronomicon. "t̶̢̢̛̖̖̹̗̪̙̤͐͋̇a̴͔͖̿̉̏̽̈́͌̽͠͠k̴̼̝͕̱̼̪̞̙̙̥̙̰̮̘̓͐̀ẻ̸̡͍͓͎̣̻͈͓͈̣̤̆̏̐͜ͅ ̶͎̝͕̘̞̲̓͋̆͊̄̿̈́͠ṁ̴̛̮̯̪͆̌̈́̃̿̃̋e̷̢̦̦̭̙̣̮̼̖͒ ̵̤̮̩͖͊̎̾̈́͌̌͊̀̾͝h̵̨͍͔͎͇̠̯̎̓̌͂̃̆͋̔́͝͝ö̸̭̮̮͕̼̲̅̇͋̔̄́̈́̉̃̒̂̇͝m̸̱͕͈͉̗͚̦͉̤͔̪͙̀̂͠ͅe̵̛̖̺̞̽͗̌͌͌̍͝͝͝͝͠"
[reward: respect +/Molly missions]

Mission 072: Colossally Glossal [Gobitha]
"hey gobitha i hope you can forgive me for the last time we met" "oh you were just doing your job; i can't well hold a grudge at the rank-and-file now, can i? pip pip" "so have you made any uh 'glossal discoveries' recently" "oh yes indeed; a simply chuffing set of glossal wonders awaits me each and every day!!! with your permission, old bean, i would like to glossally analyse your personage" "..." "..." "go ahead" "jolly good!!!" Gobitha proceeds to lick Jakey's face, not like a dog, but with care and precision. "hmm yes; you were in the past a being of great evil" "i was king of hell a couple years ago" "yes yes i can taste the evil residue on your epidermis; this is, of course, in spite of your status as a chosen hero by the olympians" "um sure?" "your laissez faire attitude toward evil may yet be your undoing old chap, but it seems to have served you well thus far" "it's like you read my wikipedia page" "indeed; the wikipedia page of the soul is available on everyone's dermal covering, should one take the time to truly experience it with the tongue" "i'll take your word for it" "shame, you humans have no sense of wonder about you; your virgin tongues cry out for glossal enlightenment, but you deny them their true purpose" "my tongue's true purpose is eating cereal and drinking mountain dew" "only because your mind has deemed it so; listen to the cries of your poor tongue, glossally unaware of life's true meaning" "i'm going over here now" Jakey walks away from Gobitha, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 073: The Soul Screams [Gobitha]
"hey gobitha, am i interrupting anything" "not at all; i am merely glossally discovering one siobhan masterson" "oh hi sioby; i didn't quite recognise you with a goblin licking you all over" "yeah she came up to me and asked if she could perform a glossal examination, and i said sure why not and now we're here" "so gobitha, what have you discovered" "lo, this tortured soul cries out; a sioby who desires the life of a bonnie despite every cell of her being practically crying out the name sioby" "yeah sioby needs to learn that no matter what she does, she will never be a bonnie" "when i was younger, i dreamt of being an orc; tall and strong, but lo, c'est la vie, i am a goblin, and will always be a goblin" "that is not the same thing" "isn't it, sioby? you yearn for something far removed from your lot in life, just as i once did" "you're talking about wanting to be a different species, i'm talking about wanting a different nickname" "a bonnie may as well be a different species from a sioby due to how diametrically opposed the spirits of the two art" "what." "i hope that one day, you will accept your siobyhood with a smile, thinking not of the bonnie with jealousy, but with a tender nostalgia for that whom you used to aspire to" "but-" "if roles were changed and your parents named you jennifer, would you be upset when people identified you as a jenny rather than a niffy?" "how can i know that?" "fair enough; one cannot know how one would feel were one's life altered so dramatically" Gobitha bows, and exits the area. "remind me never to consent to anything glossal again" "i don't think you'll forget any time soon" Michelle walks up and takes pride in the fact that no one has ever called her Chelly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 074: Crushing It [Typhoon-Girl]
"hey gail what's with the maps and charts" "wynne told me to crush the post lady like an ant and i figure it's the least i could do after all she's done for me" "well good luck with that one; the post lady is not someone i'd like to have to plot to destroy" "how bad can it be? she's a middle-aged woman who delivers packages for a living" "i have seen would-be assassins try to take her life before, and she has combatted them all with just a cry of 'THE MAIL MUST GO THROUGH'; wights, the pixington mafia, and more have all fallen before her in her tireless quest to deliver the mail" "the pixington mafia? seriously? those tiny idiots couldn't assassinate a meatball sub" "from their perspective, meatball subs are really big" "and from my perspective, my plan to murder the post lady is flawless; i will plant a bomb inside a package and it will detonate in her hands" "she has the power to stop the detonation timer until the package reaches its intended recipient" "now you're just making things up" "no, i saw it happen before" "really?" "yeah, it was kind of funny at the time" "then how would you suggest i kill the post lady" "you're thinking about this the wrong way; wynne only told you to crush the post lady like an ant, right? well crushing her spirit counts as well" "okay, how do you propose i do that" "give her a letter that cannot physically be delivered due to being to a place she can't get to" "oh i've got you" Gail makes out an envelope to heaven, and puts it in the box to go out. The post lady arrives, and eyeballs the letter. "i knew this day would come eventually; THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH!!!" The post lady pulls out her standard-issue post lady pistol, and shoots herself in the head. "didn't expect that" The post lady's spirit rises to heaven, and the letter is delivered. For this virtuous deed, the post lady is turned into an angel for her divine work on this mortal coil as Saint Layla Anne Postington, and begins delivering packages anew. "well that didn't work" "it was kind of cool though" "wynne will probably accept the fact that i got her to kill herself, right?" "i would" The post lady flies up on her divine angel wings and hands Jakey a package. Inside it is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 075: Scientific Advancement [Arabella]
"hey arabella nice work with that potion earlier" "thanks; it wasn't easy to make sure it only targets pink jackets" "no?" "previous versions would erase the subject's ability to see the colour pink, or the ability to see jackets of any sort" "that could be a problem" "especially during the gender-reveal party test, where the test subject thought it was going to be a boy due to the pink powder appearing blue due to the effects of the concoction" "that must have been awkward" "the test subject killed herself out of shame" "oh, r.i.p." "it's okay though; we finished the concoction, and all is right with the world" "indeed" "now i'm working on a concoction that makes people unable to see problems in our society, but it needs a lot of work" "godspeed, arabella, godspeed" Michelle walks up and salutes Arabella for her work. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]