Another Christmas Thing (2028 - December)

December 025: Two Turtle Doves [King Bran]
"uh, kb?" "yes?" "is it just me or is it christmas again?" "oh, i must have forgotten to rip christmas off the calendar; allow me to rectify" King Bran rips December 025 off the calendar, but underneath is another December 025. "what" King Bran keeps ripping and ripping, but the calendar endlessly produces December 025. "my calendar is broken" "or ortence's spell backfired and instead of every day being tuesday, every day is christmas" "it must have had to do with that terminally ill girl who somehow enjoyed thursdays" "oh well, more presents for me" "indeed; if ever we tired of feliz navidad, presents, and yule logs, we can just fix it then" "word" Jakey leaves the castle, content to maybe do something about the problem later rather than sooner. Michelle, however, has a problem that requires sooner rather than later. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Three French Hens [Echidna]
"jakey merry christmas i got you a present" "is it another can of snakes; real, live snakes" "you sound like you don't appreciate my snakely gifts" "then my tone is conveying my feelings adequately" "what is it with you humans? are you so jealous of the perfection that is the snake that you simply cannot bear to be in its presence?" "no matter how i respond, you will take it as a confirmation of your statement" "yes" "well merry christmas; i got you a present" Echidna eagerly unwraps her present, inside which is a mongoose. "i will never forgive you for this" Echidna and the mongoose engage in mortal combat, as they were always destined to. Michelle walks up and engages in mortal combat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Four Calling Birds [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie how's the infinite christmas loop treating you" "a bit too joyful for my taste" "yeah i am absolutely tweaking on all this christmas cheer" "4900ccs is too many ccs" "perhaps" "regardless, i have made a trip to the north pole recently and had an illuminating conversation with the snow elves" "go on" "the one told me that santa has been preparing for this scenario for centuries; it was treated as an absolute certainty that we would somehow end up in an infinite christmas loop" "has he been stockpiling presents?" "yes, and backup reindeer; you know dasher and dancer, prancer and nixon, comet and cupid and donder and blitzen, of course" "of course" "but squad two has been trading off with the main squad" "do they have names" "yes, there's david and arthur, jeremy and paul, jeffrey and walter and ralph and bernard" "inspired" "isn't it?" Michelle pulls up on her sleigh. "NOW NORMAN, NOW SAMUEL, NOW ULYSSES AND FRED!!! ON MARCUS, ON FRESNO, ON ZACHARY AND HANS!!! TAKE ME HOME!!!"
[reward: respect +/Snovia missions]

December 025: Five Golden Rings [Ilona]
"kid there you are good; i'm in distress" "distress?! on christmas?! that simply won't do" "listen, you know how loans have a set date where i need to be paid back or else i send you to break someone's legs? well if the date is always december 025, my loans never come due" "you really should have thought ahead and put an infinite christmas clause into your contracts" "yeah that's my bad i suppose; i thought the infinite st. patrick's day clause would be enough but i guess that's egg on my face" "so what's your plan?" "first, i hired a lawyer and i was told that there is legally nothing i can do, so i want you to illegally go out and break people's legs if they don't give me back my money" "i don't know" "come on, you have diplomatic immunity" "yeah but i'll feel bad" "oh pshaw; PSHAW, I SAY!!!" "don't you pshaw me" "then cease your actions that are worthy of a pshaw" "fine, give me an address so i can go break someone's legs ON CHRISTMAS" "that's the spirit kid; here you go" Ilona hands Jakey an address, and he heads off for Valerie's shack, once again. He knocks on Valerie's door, and it opens a crack. "o-oh h-hi j-jakey; m-merry christmas" "merry christmas um i hate to ruin christmas for you but ilona wants her crisp fiver back" "m-my loan s-says i-i-i c-can have it u-until the t-twenty-sixth" "well ilona regrets not putting an infinite christmas clause in the contract" "a-a-and i-i-i r-regret h-having such b-breakable legs; th-the b-bank is c-closed for ch-christmas s-so i-i-i c-can't pay it b-back today" Valerie opens her door and braces herself. "i can't do it" "wh-what" "i can't just break your leg ON CHRISTMAS when you legally did nothing wrong!!!" A tender Christmas moment is able to happen when a loud screeching is heard from behind as a Dryzler Appaloosa pulls up. Enyo, the goddess of war, leaps out of the driver's door and tackles Jakey before anything Christmas romance-like can happen. "JAKEY NO" "enyo? what's uh going on" "if you get all christmas romantic with valerie, DEMETER wins the shipping pool!!!" "oh gross; demeter sucks" "i know right? so we need to get you all christmas steamy with unimportant" "really? you picked unimportant?" "she's cute and you've saved her life (and the world in so doing) at least twice now" "that is true" "at least visit her on one of these christmases; here, i'll kick you that crisp fiver ilona wants" "i suppose that will work" Jakey grabs the crisp fiver and rubs it on Valerie's fingers so that her fingerprints will be found on the bill. Valerie just stands there, happy that her legs were not broken, but unsure how to feel about the possibility of steamy Christmas romance, which she hears is the best kind of romance. Jakey heads back to the Adventures in Debenture moneylender, in a very un-romantic mood. "here you go" "that took a while" "well you know; christmas greetings, christmas farewells" "right right" Ilona returns Jakey's collateral, Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Unimportant missions/Enyo missions]

December 025: Six Geese a-Laying [Snovia]
"hey snovia i was just checking on you and your snow elves this christmas to make sure you're not overexerted" "nah, we've been prepared for an infinite christmas loop for a long time; we could keep making christmas runs every day for years" "seriously?" "have you ever wondered why the price of gold keeps going up? it's because we've been hoarding it to make more and more toys and electronics to last us as long as it takes for everyone to tire of daily christmases" "well i'm glad you're well-prepared" "it's my job to prepare us for every possible trial and hardship; we can't let santa's reputation suffer because we didn't think that somehow every day would suddenly become christmas" "are you also prepared for if someone erases several pages of the calendar and has christmas right after the middle of july" "definitely; we have an alarm that tells us when the timestream is about to be tampered with, and we make sure that any christmas-related tampering does not take us by surprise" "so you're only caught flat-footed if santa gets hurt" "pretty much, but that's why i'm working on the santa-bot mk. iv" "mk. iv?" "i do not wish to discuss the first three" "fair enough" Michelle slides down the workship's firepole. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Seven Swans a-Swimming [Snovia]
"okay so jakey bad news" "is there any other kind?" "the santa-bots mk. i, ii, and iii have turned themselves back on and are currently revolting against the quote 'oppressive santa claus regime'" "that sounds bad" "hence why i called it bad news" "fair" "so could you please do something worthy of your title of 'prophesised hero' and save christmas" "what are the robots made of" "caramelised iron frame, minty rubber coating" "well that rules out an electrical attack" "we didn't want the santa-bots to be vulnerable to a christmas lightning strike" "would shooting it with my gun work" "on caramelised iron? no way" "do you have any large anvils hanging around" "i can raise one up for you" "good; we'll drop it onto the santa-bots" "that won't work" "why not" "we gave the santa-bots anti-having things dropped on them technology" "of course; i'm not even going to ask how that works" "good" "so do they have any weaknesses?" "they are perfect in every way, except they are not jolly and have a complete lack of compassion and christmas cheer" "so you created murder-bots shaped like santa" "pretty much" "well the clear and obvious solution now is to pack everything up and move everyone to a new earth because this one is well and truly fucked" "well we were working on creating a second earth for just such an eventuality, but we were unable to capture the earth's flatness and it came out roundish" "a roundish earth?! how the fuck would that even work?!" "i know it's no good; no need to rub it in" "since you seem to be really good at inventing the opposite of what you're trying to invent, try making a ray gun that makes the santa-bots more powerful" "it's worth a shot; if it backfires, at least we'll all be granted a swift death" Snovia sets her elves to work on the ray gun. Michelle returns from her trip to Roundish Earth, scarred for life from the roundish horrors. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Eight Maids a-Milking [Snovia]
"so how'd it go" "the ray gun that makes the santa-bots more powerful was a failure, so your plan succeeded" "i knew you'd be able to fail the task successfully" "um, thanks? for successfully failing to compliment me" "don't mention it" "now that that crisis is averted, we will turn our attention toward creating the next crisis" "that's the spirit" Michelle crawls out from under the wreckage of the Santa-Bots. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Nine Ladies Dancing [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant i-" Jakey stops dead in his tracks as he witnesses Unimportant collapsed on the floor. "what happened!!!" "jakey help" "listen i need to know if this is a 'call an ambulance' situation or a 'consider making every day not christmas any more' situation" "the latter" "okay why?" "newspapers only come out once every date; i have been without horoscopes - WITHOUT GUIDANCE - for over a week now" "so you're just laying on the floor?" "i dare not do anything else" "have you considered making a decision for yourself for once" "that sounds really scary and hard and i'd rather just wait here for you to fix all my problems for me" "you are thus far the only person who has complained about every day being christmas" "and king bran was the only person who complained about every day being thursday but he got that changed" "he's the king" "what, so he matters more than me?" "objectively, yes" "i don't know whether or not to be offended; not without my horoscope guiding me" "listen, i will take your complaints into account, but i don't want to be the guy who stopped the infinite christmas loop if everyone else still likes it" "that's fair i suppose; i'll just lay here, dying" "you do that" Jakey walks over to Unimportant's fridge and grabs Michelle from it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

December 025: Ten Lords a-Leaping [Enyo]
"jakey i'm bored" "of christmas?" "yeah no one wants to fight on christmas, even when it's the tenth one in a row, so i can't start any wars" "you're clearly not trying hard enough" "what" "imagine for a moment: every country gets christmas presents from santa except for one because you stole them" "so you want me to be a grinch-like figure" "i don't want that, but it is a potential solution to your problem" "i don't know, it just sounds mean" "and wishing for a war isn't?" "wars aren't inherently mean; why, just a few years ago, the slimes and the pixingtons had an absolutely righteous race war" "yeah where were you during that" "during a war situation, i can't just show myself in public; i'm receiving prayers at a breakneck pace and have to make sure everyone gets the proper response" "so what's the excuse for why i never met the other olympians until recently" "well there was this big shuffleboard tournament that lasted a couple decades; septuple-elimination and all that" "how'd you keep track of all that?" "we lost track of who was in what bracket multiple times and had to keep starting over" "who won?" "nike, obviously; the real competition in olympian sports is for second place" "and who got that" "michelle" "OH YEAH!!!" Michelle shuffles her board all the way through the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Nike missions]

December 025: Eleven Pipers Piping [King Bran]
"hey kb how's infinite christmas going" "infinitely well; i just received this sweet custom comicbook from jim davis" "a custom garfield?!" "you know it; in it, garfield renounces his hatred of mondays, and instead declares his newfound hatred of thursdays" "what striking character development; what could possibly have happened to provide this change in outlook" "it was a normal monday, but then, out of the blue, lyman returns" "oh shit" "garfield is so happy to see the return of lyman (as are we all) that he declares his love of mondays, and realises that lyman's original disappearance happened on a thursday" "i knew it" "all in all, the best thing to come out of garfield; it perhaps stands on the same level as a dilbert strip" "wow; high praise" Michelle walks up and hands King Bran a lasagna. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Twelve Drummers Drumming [Nike]
"jakey good timing; we were just about to begin the formerly annual but now daily christmas sleigh race" "oh cool" "yeah um i need your help; it's a duo event, but yesterday, my partner got injured" "who and how" "well due to me being the goddess of victory, i'm not allowed to have a goddess as a partner, so i usually just build a snowman but after eleven successive christmas sleigh races, his poor little arms broke" "poor guy" "so basically, your job is to be in the back of the sleigh and make sure apate doesn't destroy our sleigh" "what about the other competitors?" "oh they're all in it for 'fun' and 'christmas cheer' but apate and i know what's up; we both want to win at the cost of literally everything else" "so you're saying there's a high chance of fatalities on this christmas sleigh race" "extremely" "joy" Nike and Jakey mount the sleigh, and the queen of Olympus, Nyx, rings the starting gong. Most of the goddess get out to a jolly little start, but Nike and Apate rocket off down the hill. "uh nike? apate seems to be taking aim at us with some kind of gun" "right, her deadliest weapon: a gun" "should i respond with a gun of my own" "no, guns are strictly against the rules" "so apate will be disqualified then?" "of course not; apate's mother is the queen of olympus and she won't punish her daughter" "right" "you'll have to find a way to counter without a gun or a big stick that could be mistaken for a gun" "okay okay" Jakey wads up some snow and throws it at Apate, hitting her square in the face. Apate's sleigh comes to a stop as she begins to cry crocodile tears. Nyx rushes down to the track. "oh what's wrong" "he put a rock in that snowball" "despicable" "WHAT i never-" "jakey is disqualified; nike will have to continue on her own" "that's okay; i've already won" Nike hoists the trophy. "oh nice job; can i touch the trophy" "no, you were disqualified" "aw" Michelle comes in second place with her sleighing partner, a time-displaced Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Apate missions/Nyx missions]

December 025: Thirteen Ships a-Sailing [Apate]
"i can't believe you threw a rock at me you jerk" "you and i both know i did not do any such thing" "jakey? more like jerky" "ow my feelings" "listen i will forgive you for your transgressions ON CHRISTMAS if you give me a crisp fiver" "i have no transgressions to be forgiven for" "that's not the way my hordes of rabid fans see it" Apate throws open a curtain to reveal several male Olympians who are otherwise unimportant. "JAKEY MUST PAY!!!" "REPARATIONS IN CASH OR BLOOD!!!" "fine" Jakey digs into his pocket and hands Apate a crisp fiver. "thank you muchly" Apate waves the crisp fiver out the window to signal to her fans that reparations have been paid, then shoos Jakey out of the building, where he merely receives dirty looks instead of being beaten up. The dirtiest look of all comes from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Fourteen Bears a-Baiting [Nyx]
"i can't believe you threw a rock at my daughter you jerk" "you and i both know i did not do any such thing" "yeah but it was fun watching everyone get mad at you" "so you disqualified me for no reason" "i was hoping to help my daughter win the sleigh race" "whatever; how's being queen of olympus going this christmas season" "oh it's great; everyone is so jolly that it makes governing easy" "so you're a fan of the infinite christmas loop then" "definitely; we should have done this years ago" "how do your kobold workers feel about it" "you know, i never thought to ask; let us peer in on them" Jakey and Nyx poke their heads out around the corner. "hey kosanna now that the boss is listening in, what do you think of the infinite christmas loop" "it's nice; you finally got that wafflemaker you wanted" "i wanted a coffeemaker" "oh well i prefer waffles anyway' "uh-huh" "regardless, i feel that christmas is beginning to become routine so we should do some big elaborate christmas production" "what, like a play?" "no i thinking more like a musical number" "well you go write one of those and i'll just hang out here, not doing that" "you got it" Kosanna turns to work on her big Christmas musical number, and Nyx and Jakey return to their non-peering state. "i'm looking forward to the musical number" "it had better be good, or else kosanna is not getting her christmas bonus tomorrow" "harsh" Michelle walks up holding Jakey's Christmas bonus. "you only get this if you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kosanna missions/Koraline missions]

December 025: Fifteen Bulls a-Roaring [Kosanna]
"oh hey jakey how's eavesdropping going for you" "very well; i'm excited to see that musical number you're working on for christmas" "oh it will be a triumph, definitely; i just need to finish this music theory class i started online yesterday; did you know that songs have beats, rhythms, AND melodies?" "i was aware" "hmm well the class says the best way to learn the inner workings of a song is to sing it in the tub so please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'BEEF GELATIN'" "on it" Kosanna turns and grabs her rubber reindeer, and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫have a holly jolly christmas; it's the best time of the year♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, he notices a glimmer from the airvent. Jakey grabs a stick and whacks the latch, causing Siobhan to fall out of the vent. "ow" "what are you doing up there" "i'm trying to steal kosanna's new christmas song of course; it's really good" "♫HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS, AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR: OH, BY GOLLY, HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR♫" "this shit's gold" "yeah it ought to be considering that it was released in the 60s by burl ives" "..." "..." "oh" Siobhan hangs her head. "i thought it sounded familiar" "yeah it's uh pretty famous" "if you will excuse me, i would like to crawl back into my vent now" "by all means" Siobhan scampers back up into her vent, and Kosanna exits the bath. "that was such a jolly tune; i felt the jollity in every single bar" "agreed" Michelle walks up, drunk as a skunk from her own bar. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

December 025: Sixteen Lambs a-Bleating [Koraline]
"hey koraline, how's logistics going this infinite christmas loop" "it's awful; we may go bankrupt at this rate" "why" "infinite christmases means infinite christmas bonuses" "i thought kobolds didn't take extravagant salaries" "we do take extravagant christmas bonuses though; we love to be holly and jolly, and we simply indulge in fruitcake and yule logs" "you could always like decline the christmas bonus" "have you met nyx? if we do that now, then next year, when the infinite christmas loop resolves and we have just one christmas, she won't give us any christmas bonus because we declined this year's" "rough" "oh well tis the season to max credit" "that's the spirit" Just then, the door swings open. "CREDIT INSPECTION" "oh god" "all right my name is ruth barlow i'm from the inspection board" "you do credit inspections on christmas?!" "it is important especially in times of an infinite christmas loop to make sure everyone is using credit responsibly" "wait, was your company prepared for the infinite christmas loop?" "unfortunately, yes; in case of an infinite christmas loop, i have to work all christmases that end in 3, 6, or 9" "at least you get most of them off" "at least there's that" Ruth looks over Koraline's credit. "you're paying christmas bonuses on credit?!" "um yes?" "unfortunately, we now need to revoke your credit" Ruth stamps a big 'FAILED' onto the documents on the desk. "i guess i've got to get a loan from ilona now" "good luck with that one" Michelle comes in and loans Jakey a crisp fiver. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions/Ruth missions]

December 025: Seventeen Asses Racing [Siobhan]
"oh good jakey; you're about to see my triumph" "triumph?" "i am going to steal christmas" "why did you wait so long? this is the seventeenth christmas" "everyone knows that in an infinite christmas loop, the seventeenth christmas is the most valuable" "really?" "yes, read this copy of 'the ultimate guide to christmas and hypothetical quantum christmas'" Jakey opens to a random page. "'an entangled christmas is when multiple christmases happen at the same time; possible rammifications of an entangled christmas include a straight skip of the next year's christmas; the calendar jumping straight from december 024 to 026' rough" "yeah some of these are a little scary" "'another possible consequence of an entangled christmas is receiving gifts that are not invented until the following year; in the event of this happening, the invention must be completed or else a quantum mis-christmas will result (see page 234)' what?! a MIS-CHRISTMAS?!" "that's when a christmas future happens early (for one of many reasons) but then it is contradicted after it happens but before it is supposed to happen; possible consequences of a quantum mis-christmas include multiple skipped christmases" "wait what" "a quantum mis-christmas creates a christmas singularity, which can erase a theoretically infinite number of future christmases" "so wait, are we experiencing a christmas future right now?" "no, this is merely an infinite christmas loop; these are just successive christmas presents - bonus christmases, if you will" "oh good" "trust me, it gets even crazier on st. patrick's day; you do not want to see an entangled st. patrick's day with more than four stacks because in that scenario, we all die of alcohol poisoning instantly" "rough" Michelle walks up and holds up her snowglobe, which is currently experiencing an Entangled Christmas. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Eighteen Cocks a-Crowing [Ilona]
Jakey walks into the Adventures in Debenture moneylender, where Koraline is receiving a loan. "okay kid, the terms are simple; you need to pay back these crisp fivers by christmas 21, or december 026, whichever comes first" "but december 026 could be tomorrow for all we know" "kis, i run a business here; i serve my own self-interest first and foremost" "well-" "if i make your loan pay back date december 028, you could get as many as two extra days, which is simply unacceptable" "fine" Koraline signs her name on the contract. "see you in one-to-three days kid" "yeah yeah" Koraline exits the building. "so kid, you looking forward to breaking kobold legs?" "could be fun" "that's the fun of this job; getting to break the legs of new and exciting races that the olympians and demonesses create on a whim" "it certainly has made me more worldly" "that's the spirit kid" Michelle comes in and pays off her loan of a crisp fiver. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

December 025: Nineteen Men a-Mowing [Ruth]
"hey ruth what's up" "i am inspecting the infinite christmas loop itself; it started here in king bran's castle, so i am here to make sure that its formation passes inspection" "i didn't know you had guidelines for this sort of thing" "we are prepared for every type of christmas abnormality, from entangled christmases to reindeer-trampling-induced amnesia" "impressive" Ruth inspects and inspects, and shakes her head. "this isn't good" "what isn't good" "this infinite christmas loop was not created due to an abundance of christmas spirit, but due to seething hatred; king bran's hatred of thursdays and victorrhea's hatred of king bran" "is that bad?" "an infinite christmas loop borne of hatred is inherently unstable; it's a miracle we haven't had massive christmas entanglement by now, pulling christmases from not just the future, but also the past and even alternate timelines" "so um i take it christmas is over?" "yeah; if you're upset, create an infinite christmas loop through jollity next year" "i'll consider it" Ruth stamps a big 'FAILED' onto the spot where the Infinite Christmas Loop began, causing Victorrhea to appear in a puff of smoke. "what happened" "your anger caused an infinite christmas loop" "wait, i missed christmas?!" "all nineteen of them" "aw man" "wait a moment" Ruth inspects Victorrhea. "this is bad" "what what's going on" "due to your nineteen-christmas disappearance, you have taken in an inordinate amount of christmas particles" "christmas particles?" "yes, they are what induce christmas cheer in small doses, but with as much as you have coursing through your veins right now, there may be serious rammifications for christmases future" "what do you mean" "you have all the christmas cheer, and due to that, your mere existence may prevent any future christmases from occurring" "that makes no sense" Ruth thumbs through a 2029 calendar. "here it is" Ruth flips the calendar around, showing Jakey and Victorrhea that it jumps straight from December 024 to December 026. "oh dear" "victorrhea, if you wish to save christmas future, you must sacrifice yourself" "um-" "the alternative is wait until january when everyone opens the 2029 calendar, notices christmas is missing, and there are riots and pandemonium in the streets until the cause is discovered, at which point you will be burned at the stake, which still won't restore christmas future due to being an improper technique" "..." "..." "fine, i'll sacrifice myself" "that's the spirit" Ruth, Jakey, and Victorrhea head to the North Pole via Ruth's standard-issue inspectorly magic carpet. "so what do we-" "LOOK OUT BELOW!!!" Ruth shoves Victorrhea down onto the North Pole itself, impaling her, and releasing her excess Christmas cheer back into the earth. "she will be missed probably" Ruth checks her 2029 calendar, and sees that Christmas is restored to its rightful place. "it's a good thing that she fell dead-center onto the north pole; a couple inches in either direction could have caused a misplaced christmas, where it occurs before december 024 or after december 026" "eugh" Michelle scampers up the North Pole into the magic carpet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

December 026: After-Christmas Hangover [King Bran]
"hey kb how's not-christmas treating you" "i feel so depressed" "well you used up all your jollity and cheer for the year on nineteen christmases; that would wipe anyone out" "you seem all right" "i just witnessed a woman getting impaled on the north pole; that will sober anyone up" "i wish i could have seen it" "i may be scarred for life" "yeah yeah don't rub it in" "so what are your plans for the rest of the year" "well i set my court wizard on making sure that we don't run into an infinite new year's situation and end up aging one whole year every day until we fix it" "that's a worthy cause" Michelle stumbles in with her walker, having successfully yelled at those damn kids to get off her lawn. "take me home sonny"
[reward: respect +/THE END]