The Thing to Know (2028)

Mission 051: Head of State [Nyx]
"hey nyx how goes the running of olympus" "with these new kobolds, efficiency is up, costs are down, and life is good" "nice" "shame i can't get rid of those protesting angels" "have you tried telling them to go away" "i did and that just made them angrier" "have you tried teleporting them into a volcano" "yes but it doesn't work well because angels can teleport out, and it just makes them angrier" "hey, wait, is that angel over there missing her blonde?" "weird; she was blonde before i threw her into a volcano" "you must be getting them so angry that they are losing their angelic attributes" "what happens if they lose all of their angelic attributes" "i have no idea" "well nothing ventured nothing gained" Nyx opens the window. "hey angels, you are lame and you smell bad" "WELL I NEVER" The angels' rage grows to the point where they lose their halos. "i never what? did this job as well as a kobold? i never did half the work a kobold's done in one week in thirty years?" "YOU ARE DESPICABLE!!!" The angels' rage grows and grows, losing them their wings. "despicable? me? no, it is you who are despicable; you are complete chaff and you have gamed the system for far too long" "HOW DARE YOU!!!" The angels' rage grows to a fever pitch, losing them their angelic glow, and with it, their angelic magic. "goodbye, angels" Nyx snaps her fingers, teleporting the angels into a volcano. They are unable to escape. "glad that's over" "god bless volcanoes" "indeed" "so was that all the angels?" "no, there are a few stragglers like that saint piper girl you like so much and of course thombus due to his tenure; if they don't bother me, i won't bother them" "fair enough" Michelle walks up to the Luminous Villa and begins to protest Jakey for not taking her home. "TAKE MY PEOPLE HOME!!!"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 052: Three Bags Full [Gobigail]
"jakey i am tired; i have been drawing on the new wall papers all day and i need to get into a bath full of bubbles and relax" "i can guard your bath if you'd like" "thanks jakey; only come in if i yell 'SALT'" "salt?" "yes, SALT" "fine" Gobigail turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫twinkle twinkle little star; how i wonder what you are♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Lilith marches up the stairs. "jakey i need to speak to gobigail" "she is in the bath" "i didn't know goblins bathed" "well gobigail does, and she is not to be interrupted in the middle of her jolly tune" "she can't even keep track of what song she's singing" "♫yessir yessir three bags full♫" "it's the same song" "no it's not, it's three different songs all based on the same melody" "famously performed in a mashup by the goblin choir" "a goblin choir?" "well they call themselves a choir, it's more of a hootenanny" "♫now i know my ABCs; next time won't you sing with me♫" "oh good it's over" "not so" "what." "♫AND ONE FOR THE LITTLE BOY THAT LIVES DOWN THE LANE!!!♫" "is she starting over?!" "yeah, after the first round, the goblins do another whole song for the little boy that lives down the lane" "ugh" "also, since she asked, it is considered rude in goblin culture to not sing the second play with her" "then why aren't you singing?" "as bathroom guard, i am forbidden from singing along to the tune; i may only bop" "ugh" Jakey and Lilith wait for the second play to end, and for Gobigail to exit the bath. "miss lilith? why weren't you singing with me" "i have completely forgotten what i needed to speak with you about, and i am leaving now" Lilith turns and leaves, upset about goblins and their silly culture. Michelle comes in and plants a sack of wool at Gobigail's feet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 053: Goblin Anthems [Gobigail]
"hey gobigail, you look confused" "i am trying to write a new song for goblins to sing; your human songs do nothing for the goblin spirit" "so what have you got so far" "nothing i can't figure out how to turn this piano on" "it's not an electric instrument" "then how does it make the music" Jakey presses a key, causing the piano to play a note. "um how do i get it to play a whole song" "you have to hit the correct keys in the proper order with the proper timing" "that sounds hard" "yeah people train for years to be able to play simple songs" "that's no good" "i can call up a piano player if you want" "oh can you? that would be great" Jakey realises that he doesn't know if anyone he's met can play piano. He decides to just call someone randomly. "alison hi do you know how to play piano" "yeah why" "could you come to gomorrah to help a goblin create a new #1 jam for goblins to bop along to for the next thousand years" "sure why not" After a slight wait, Alison arrives and takes a seat at the piano. "so what kind of song are we playing" "i have the first line all planned out" "okay, sing it for me" "♫gummy wo-o-o-orms, they taste a lot better than regular wo-o-o-orms♫" "very uh goblin-esque" "i know, it will be the song of my people" Alison begins to play a tune. "that has way too many notes; goblins can't remember that many" "oh" "your human musics are too complicated for us goblins" "fair enough i suppose" Alison simplifies the melody, and at Gobigail's instruction, continues to simplify it until she is playing one note every second. "i had higher hopes for this song" "just let her do her thing; she won't need a second song, since goblins can't remember more than two of them" "fine fine" The song concludes, and Gobigail excitedly takes the pressed record. "thank you alison, you will be remembered by goblins for minutes to come" "um, thanks" Gobigail skips off with her new track, and Alison heads for home, completely confused as to what just happened. Michelle walks up. "♫eating fo-o-o-oam is not as good as when you take me ho-o-o-ome♫"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions]

Mission 054: The Number Onest of Jams [Gobigail]
"hey gobigail, how are the goblins taking to your new song" "the melody was too complex for them" "really?" "yes, even after we toned it down a few times" "well, it happens" "at least the music disc we made makes a good throwing disc" "that's the spirit" Michelle leaps into the air, catching the Gummy Worms record. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 055: Worming Its Way In [Lilith]
"jakey i have that damn gummy worms song stuck in my head" "really?" "yes and i hate it; leave it to a goblin to accidentally stumble upon a catchy tune" "well you could always try to replace it with a different tune" "good idea; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'BLUE 2 LAKE'" "you can count on me" Lilith turns and grabs her rubby ducker and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left-side brains; i knew i wouldn't forget you and so i went and let you blow my mind♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Echidna slithers up the stairs. "is lilith in the bath AGAIN?! how many baths do you people need?!" "bubbly baths are good for not just the cleanliness of the body, but also for the soul" "♫HEY, SOUL SISTER, AIN'T THAT MISTER MISTER ON THE RADIO? STEREO? THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR, YOU KNOW♫" "it's not good for my soul when she struggles to hit those high notes" "she's trying her best" "regardless, i need to talk to lilith about operation: asp clasp so please stand aside" "no one gets past" "you damn bath guards and your rules and regulations" "they are what separate us from the animals" "yes, snakes would never do something so lame and pointless" Jakey and Echidna wait for Lilith to exit the bath. "finally, i have an update on operation: asp clasp" "lay it on me" "the snake has successfully bitten eleatrice on the butt" "excellent" "unfortunately, the asp was lost in the line of duty when eleatrice electrocuted it for daring to bite the royal glutes" "a worthy sacrifice; it will be honoured" "indeed" "i will set my goblins to creating a statue of that asp" "um don't worry about it; i'll make the statue myself" "suit yourself" Michelle rides a wave of asps up the stairs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 056: In Accordance [Orelie]
"hello and welcome back to the broadcast; today, we have on kosanna the kobold, who is currently awaiting trial for her alleged breach of the jolly tune accords of 1986; kosanna, hello" "hello" "so the allegations i've got here state that you sang toto's 'rosanna', but substituted the title character for yourself" "yeah" "despicable" "what" "i can't believe you would do such a thing" "i thought you brought me on to get my side of the story, not just insult me" "i had to tell you that or you wouldn't have come on" "fair" "now listeners, please stand by for a demonstration of the PROPER bathing technique; professional bubbly bath guard jakey will guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE'" Orelie turns and grabs her rubber ducky, and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫you take me right up to the top of the world, then you push me over the side♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Kosanna gets fed up. "why does it matter what i sing in the privacy of my own home?" "wrong question" "what." "you weren't just in your own home, you were in the bath" "which is in my home" "which is LEASED to your home; maritime laws apply" "MARITIME LAWS?!" "it means 'on the water'" "i know what it means-" "obviously not" "♫I GOT A HEART WITH A BLACK LININ'; I GOT A HEART FULL OF BLACK♫" "this is ridiculous" "yes, it is ridiculous that you would commit a war crime and act like the sacrifices of all the people who died before the jolly tune accords were reached in 1986 don't matter in the slightest" Kosanna rolls her eyes as Orelie finishes up her jolly tune. "and that, dear listeners, is how you properly bubbly bath; notice how i never sang 'i got a heart with an orelie linin'' because i'm not an egotistical twat who believes that she is above being charged with a war crime" "whatever happened to impartiality in news?" "i don't know; whatever did? next up, michelle is going to teach up how to tie a necktie" Michelle panics, having prepared a demonstration on how to tie a noose. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 057: The Long-Awaited Return [Orelie]
"hello and welcome back to the broadcast; today, we have on our dear orcish princess, olivia thomp, after her miraculous recovery from that coma; olivia, hello" "hello orelie" "so tell us what happened, in your own words" "i work for a temp agency, and they sent me to fill in for a lifeguard and i'd never heard of that before so i gave it a shot; turns out that humans use these 'lifeguards' to guard them when they are in the pool from drowning" "not a good fit for an orc" "i fell into the pool and nearly drowned; i was carried ashore by ten humans, where it took all their strength to lift my orcish frame" "i'll bet" "but that's not the worst of it: turns out that this pool was CURSED" "cursed?!" "back in the year 1753, a demoness put a curse on that pool, decreeing that the next orc to enter its waters would fall into a deep, dark slumber" "a bit odd to curse an orc that way" "well gremory was never very smart; she loves swimming, so she assumed everyone did" "she is a bit of a moron" "so despite our patron goddess, artemis, awakening me from my terrible slumber, i still bear the effects of the curse; my eyes have turned a human-fleshly colour, and my hair is slightly bluish" "i couldn't tell" "well the lighting in here is not condusive to seeing it properly, but in natural sunlight, you will be amazed at how slightly bluish it is" "any other side effects?" "not really; my hair was longer when i woke up, but i imagine three years will do that to you" "indeed" "all in all, not the worst curse i've ever received; 6/10" "thank you for your time, princess olivia; next up is princess michelle of canada, sharing with us a neat little life hack to make perfect toast every time" Michelle panics, having prepared a demonstration on how to make perfect clam chowder every time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions/Artemis missions]

Mission 058: Solidarity [Koraline]
"hey koraline, what are your thoughts on kosanna's recent arrest?" "it's horrible; i was considering joining her in solidarity by singing 'sweet caroline' in the bath but changing it to 'sweet koraline', but then i realised that i really don't want to spend life in prison for committing a war crime" "smart; also, scarlett already sang sweet caroline back in 2020" "wait what how do you know that" "i keep track of every jolly tune sung because repeating artists is frowned upon; repeating songs is simply unacceptable" "is it also a war crime?" "no, but it's a major faux pas" "but how am i supposed to know what scarlett sang back in 2020?" "the list is published online; you need to keep up-to-date with these things so you don't make a mistake" "there's almost 100 songs listed here" "and the number has been going up rapidly" "so before i bathe, i need to consult the list and pick out a tune that has not been sung in front of you?" "pretty much" "great." Michelle walks up and hands over a sampler CD of songs that have not yet been sung in the bath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 059: Those You Hang Around [Special Agent Grace]
"hey um milord? mijakey?" "yes?" "so i was watching your actions from the shadows, as per my job description, and you did something that confused me greatly" "was it not in line with my established personality and motivations?" "well it kind of was but kind of not at the same time" "what was it" "remember that gravedigger jasmine?" "yeah?" "well you shot her and killed her, then exorcised her so she'd be gone forever, and when she came back, you just kind of let her back onto the royal canadian payroll?" "well grace, you need to understand: she was no longer a simple ghost, but rather a wight; an unstoppable, vengeful killing machine" "true; i have never seen you kill a wight" "because the only way to get rid of a wight without divine intervention is to resolve the original conflict, and that could only be resolved with my death" "fair" "and if i just popped her after she was purified, she'd just turn into a wight again" "wow, you actually thought something through" "it was bound to happen eventually" "well i've got to pay up" "what now?" "noriko and i had a bet that you'd never think something like this through" "so she believed in me and you didn't?" "she believed in the law of averages" "great." Michelle walks up and also collects a crisp fiver from Grace. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions]

Mission 060: The Salty Sweet Goodness [Siobhan]
"jakey i have tried absolutely everything to wrench your secret formula away; i need to know what is inside the evilman's potato chip signature flavour" "not even i know" "and not even your secretary knows; she has wiped her memory of the thing" "in spite of her war crimes, she is a valuable asset to our company" "my secret formula collection died before it got off the ground" "there are plenty of other secret formulas around; what about mcgoofy's big goof burger's special sauce" "one failure has put me off of it forever" "you're just trying to seem sympathetically pathetic so i will go and find out the secret formula and give it to you" "yeah" "well good luck with that; i appreciate the portfolio diversification that evilman's gives me" "i want a more diverse portfolio" "then invest some of those ill-gotten gains in a business" "but if i invest it, i will not have it in my hideout to gaze at fondly and remind me of my accomplishments" "you can be reminded of your accomplishments by a giant skyscraper that says 'BONNIE TOWERS' on it, which is defaced by well-meaning hooligans to say 'SIOBY TOWERS'" "now there's an idea; i should call up that construction lady" Siobhan makes some calls, and an ultra-hyper Candice appears. "yes, i need a skyscraper built just over there that says 'BONNIE TOWERS' on it" "do you own the land and have the permits" "i stole the deed to the land and have stolen some permits" "good enough!!!" Candice takes some of Siobhan's money pile and vibrates out of the hideout. The taken money from the pile exposes a Michelle underneath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 061: The Aftermath [Eleatrice]
"jakey i have recently been bitten on the hindquarters by a venomous snake" "has anyone sucked out the venom?" "i tried to get hayden to do it but, try as she might, she is a ghost and cannot physically interact with the venom" "that sucks" "jakey can i have a favour?" "not from me you can't" "come on, be a pal" "i am not putting my face near anyone's butt, no matter how hot you are and no matter how queen of hell you are" "fine, i'll go to the doctor" "does hell even have a doctor?" "we used to have a demoness of alternative medicine, but she got bought out by ilona" "so she makes you take out a loan to pay off your medical bills?" "yeah, i admire it" Eleatrice snaps her fingers and teleports off to the Adventures in Medicament medical center. She returns shortly thereafter. "how bad did she get you for" "$10,000 for the venom-sucking, and a further $5,000 to put a band-aid over the snake's teeth marks, as well as ilona's own teeth marks" "$15,000?!" "looks like the ghosts aren't getting that funding boost this year to allow them to physically interact with hardwoods" "they weren't getting that anyway, were they?" "not a chance" Michelle walks up and hands Eleatrice a get-well-soon card that says 'snake it easy'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 062: The Killin' Kind [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫there was a time when i was so broken-hearted; love wasn't much of a friend of mine♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Sophia ambles up the stairs carrying a pizza. "assassination delivery" "what?" "oh sorry, i meant pizza delivery" "scarlett is in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "she ordered this pizza for this exact time and i am duty-bound to deliver it" "deliver it to me then" "sorry, i should clarify: i am duty-bound to deliver it to scarlett" "♫I WAS CRYIN' WHEN I MET YOU, NOW I'M TRYIN' TO FORGET YOU; YOUR LOVE IS SWEET MISERY♫" "see? she is crying about not having her pizza; besides, eating pizza in the bath just makes it more delicious" "if scarlett had ordered a pizza to eat in the bath, why would she have gone into the bath first, then ordered me to guard the bath from any and all interlopers?" "lack of foresight" "i'll grant you that that is the most likely scenario ever given to me by a bath-interrupter" "so if you'll just let me by-" "no one gets past" "oh damn" Jakey and Scarlett wait for the bath to finish, while Jakey wonders how in the world it's taken nine years for someone to sing an Aerosmith song. Scarlett exits the bath, and Sophia siezes her chance. Sophia opens the pizza box and inside is her stalwart companion and gun - Mr. Shooty, which has been shrunken down to fit inside the box. "SIM SALA BIM!!!" Nothing happens. "uh-oh" "what's wrong?" "i paid a demoness like three crisp fivers to shrink mr. shooty and give me a magic word phrase to unshrink him so i could carry out my contract but the magic words didn't work" "oh, rough" "um, i've got to go" Sophia dashes out the door, determined to return her best friend to normal. "she's weird" "you get used to it" Michelle comes in carrying a pizza box of her own. It is full of pizza. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 063: Better Forget It [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫easy lover; she'll get a hold on you, believe it; like no other, before you know it, you'll be on your knees♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, it comes to a sudden halt. "RIBOFLAVIN RIBO-" Jakey kicks down the door, and sees Scarlett frozen in a block of ice with the demoness Icelia leaning on her sculpture. "icelia, why?" "this is one of icelia's trademark japes" "i've never known you to joke" "because you are not well-versed in the beautiful world of icelia" "really" "icelia is renowed around the world for icelia's jests; icelia's practical jokes make laughter rain down from the heavens and up from the hells" "so what's the joke this time?" "scarlett thought she was taking a bubblèd bath, but lo!!! she was actually taken a frozen icelia bath!!! it is to laugh!!!" "i'm not even laughing on the inside" "you are a poor liar; icelia knows that your insides are fit to bursting with all of this icelia-based laughter that has been wrought by none other than icelia icelia's self" "excuse me" Jakey makes a phonecall, and the nurse Panacea arrives to preform a scan. "according to this scan, jakey has not laughed since yesterday, internally or otherwise" "your instruments must be broken and your testing algorithms flawed" "uh-huh" Panacea holds out her hand, and Jakey passes her the crisp fiver he'd promised. "see? you are being paid by the defendant" "i am being paid for my time; falsifying results costs way more than that due to the hippocratic oath and all that" Panacea leaves. "can you unfreeze scarlett?" "icelia's powers do not allow icelia to unfreeze anything" "great." "icelia will take icelia's leave now; adieu" Icelia leaves, and Jakey gets to chipping Scarlett out of her icy prison. "so scarlett, did you find that funny?" "not even a little" "i thought as much" Michelle slides in, encased from the neck down in her own icely cube. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions]

Mission 064: Not So Jolly [Kosanna]
"all rise for the trial of kosanna, who is accused of the heinous war crime of violating the jolly tune accords of 1986; my name is ruth barlow, and i will be inspecting this trial" Ruth bangs her gavel. "defense, your opening statement" Natalie rises and bangs her hands on the desk. "we plead guilty your honour" "WHAT. i told you to plead NOT guilty" "i'm overriding your plea because it is stupid and we will never win" "you can't do that" "yes, i can; i went to law school and you did not" Ruth bangs her gavel. "i declare the defendant guilty on all charges; she will be placed under house arrest, and the water will be disconnected from her place of residence indefinitely" Ruth bangs her gavel. "court dismissed" Kosanna hangs her head and walks over to Jakey in the gallery. "have you learned your lesson? if not, you will be learning it quick without any water at your place of residence" "you do realise that i live in your apartment, right? your water is disconnected" "what." "no more jolly baths for me, sure, but also for your little cabal" "i'm sure noriko has bought plenty of bottled water; we'll survive" Ruth bangs her gavel. "RIGHT, i forgot: the defendant will also have any and all bottled water at her place of residence confiscated and be disallowed from having any more delivered; court dismissed again for real this time" Ruth bangs her gavel. "how about that?" "regardless, we are allowed to bathe in other locations; you, on the other hand, are effectively prohibitted from ever bathing again" "i am sure that that is more of a punishment for everyone else than it is for me" "only time will tell" Michelle walks up to the judge's bench and bangs Ruth's gavel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 065: Future Sight [Timera]
"hey timera what's going on" "oh jakey i was just looking at the various futures that your actions have prevented from coming to pass" "the bad ones, right?" "bad ones, good ones, weird ones; all kinds really" "weird ones?" "by calling alison to play piano on the goblin song rather than jezzie, you averted the future where the gummy worms song becomes a #1 hit and ends up starting a war between alabama and gomorrah" "how does it start a war?" "the king bran can't get that song out of his head, and due to his already immense hatred of goblins, decides to wage war against their home country" "that one doesn't seem too weird to me" "one of the possible outcomes of that war is a gomorran victory, and lilith becomes queen of alabama; her first act is to punish the loser, king bran, by imprisoning him in a goblin prison, and making every single day thursday" "i mean, how else would one punish king bran?" "she also murders gutterelda and places her severed head on a pike just outside of kb's reach" "gruesome" "and due to every day being thursday, lilith inadvertently discovers the one and only cure for timinchinitis" "the what?" "timinchinitis's symptoms are gradually healed on thursdays; however, in just one thursday a week, they are never fully healed" "how many thursdays in a row does it take to cure timinchinitis?" "two" "two?!" "yes, and then timinchinitis is cured for good" "oh dear" "by the way, i know you like that victorrhea girl, and only in timelines where king bran is deposed does her timinchinitis get cured" "i can never convince him to have two thursdays in a row just the once?" "no; in your more insistent timelines, king bran ends up challenging you to a duel to the death over it" "rough" "yeah but what can you do, really?" Michelle walks in and notices that it is currently Thursday. God, she hates Thursdays. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Lilith missions/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 066: The Future Remains Unaverted [Timera]
"jakey can you stand over here for a second" "why" "i want to make sure one of my favourite futures comes to pass" "um okay" Jakey stands at the designated spot. Soon, Michelle enters the room, and in her single-minded pursuit of her brother, her foot catches a table leg, and she trips and falls on her face. Timera bursts out laughing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 067: A Cursed Existence [Odilia]
Jakey walks into the magickal domain of Odilia, the orcish court wizard of Gomorrah. "hey odilia how's magic working out for you" "i've got the orcish chieftain's daughter in the other room" "olivia?" "yeah, she needs me to try and figure out how to uncurse her" "weird to have such implicit approval of magic from an orc" "i know; i am not squandering the opportunity" Odilia prints out her magical test results on her magical printer. "okay olivia it seems that this is a class three curse and can only be cured if all of your friends get into a circle and hold hands and talk about how much they care about you" "is there no other way? that sounds like a really lame, wussy thing to do, like becoming a court wizard to enact a slow revenge plan instead of charging at your problems headfirst with an axe or cleaver or even your fists" "um, well, no, there is no other way" "then i guess i'm cursed forever; i'll deal with the various issues and ailments" "probably for the best; good luck getting a bunch of orcs to gather in a circle to talk about their feelings" "dear lord i can't imagine even getting one orc to do that" Olivia grabs her leather coat. "by the way, odilia; you're still banished from the village until you renounce this wussy magic and challenge me to one-on-one fisticuffs, as per our traditions; adieu" Olivia exits the Sinful Manse, and Odilia hangs her head. "this will be worth it" "eventually" "send in the next patient" Michelle walks in and sits on the couch. "it's terrible doctor; no matter how much i try, i can't get jakey to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 068: A Major Headache [Apate]
"hey apate how's being a major goddess treating you" "oh it's great kid; my bargains and deals are even more bargainous and dealeriffic than before" "bargainous? dealeriffic?" "yeah kid; i used my powers to add those two words to every dictionary" "intertesting" "oh yes, we are entering a new age of bargains and deals" "so what do you have for sale today" "well i know how much you like it when girls take bubblèd baths, so if you give me one crisp fiver, i will allow you to guard my bubblèd bath" "why should i pay you? if anything, you should pay me" "because with that crisp fiver, i intend to invest in a sheet of lyrics so i don't accidentally butcher my jolly tune" "fine whatever" Jakey passes Apate one of his less-crisp fivers. "pleasure doing business; only come in if i yell 'GUM ARABIC'" "sure sure" Apate turns around and notices something missing. "um kid? could you spot me another crisp fiver? i seem to have misplaced my rubber ducky and need to buy a new one" "this is ridiculous" Jakey hands over another less-than-crisp fiver, and Bailey soon delivers to Apate a fresh rubber ducky. Apate unwraps it and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫so, this ain't the end, i saw you again; today, i had to turn my heart away♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a flash of light appears, and Apate steps out of a time machine. "hey there kid; i need to get into the bath there" "a non-time travelled version of you is currently in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "see, your bath guard act works when it's random interlopers, but i legally own that room kid, so you legally cannot bar me from entrance" "♫YOU'RE LYING SOLO IN THE WEEDS; I BET YOU'RE GONNA AMBUSH ME♫" "however, i could be persuaded to delay my entrance for, say, a crisp fiver" "FINE" Jakey hands Apate another crisp fiver. "pleasure doing business kid" Apate gives a cheeky salute as she hops back into her time machine. The present-day Apate exits the bath. "any problems?" "yes, a big one" "cool cool" Michelle walks in and hands Apate one of her own crisp fivers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 069: Back from the Dead [Jasmine]
"hey jasmine; how does it go" "i have an absolutely huge backlog of corpses to get through; i've never been behind before" "it's nice that in the four years you've been dead, the pile hasn't grown larger than the one in alabama" "for once, i am very pleased with canada's lower mortality rate" "are you still personalising every grave?" "yes; i can't just let people sit in a one-size-fits-all hole in the ground" "i notice you have a bigger shovel now" "unfortunately, i need to go at a higher speed than before, and cannot make the micro-adjustments i used to; i simply need to move as much dirt as i reasonably can" "fair enough" "i also have been sure to take corpses from the bottom of the pile; first come, first served" "it's got to be a pain to tunnel into the corpse pile" "not really; if you'll notice, i have dug out a tunnel of sorts; the corpses have been piled so long that they have started to um fuse a bit? so i use a pickaxe to release each corpse" "so you've basically made a corpse mine" "pretty much, yeah" "what are the gravestones made out of" Jasmine sighs. "sedimentary marble" "not even the igneous kind?" "when dealing with this many graves, i needed something cost-effective" "that's the spirit; we'll have a normal graveyard in no time" Jasmine sighs again. "at least i can make it better than it would have been had i stayed dead" "that's the spirit" Michelle exits the corpse mine with a big one. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 070: Looking to the Future [Sabrina Sable]
"jakey i need to thank you for what you did last december; killing hestia was 100% the right move" "i couldn't believe that she'd destroy your fresca like that" "that fresca on the luminous villa's ceiling will be my legacy; the one thing that will prove to everyone else that i was here; i existed" "it's hard to stand out when we all keep getting reincarnated" "pretty much yeah" "so are you going to send the new can design to the fresca company?" "i did and they rejected it" "philistines" "sometimes, i wish i had been dropped on my head as a baby so i wouldn't have so much more class than the common man; sometimes i wish i could look at a restaurant menu written in comic sans and not throw up" "the food is clearly no good if they can't even advertise it well" "i know right? look at any fast food commercial; the food looks delicious, then you go to the restaurant and it's just haphazardly thrown together" "so if the menu is already haphazardly thrown together, what does that say for the food?" "probably found in a dumpster" "indeed" Michelle walks up and presents her new restaurant menu, written entirely in Lato Semibold. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 071: Fluency Exam [Sabrina Sable]
"jakey, look at this note" "it's written entirely in wingdings" "can you not read it?" "i cannot" "oh; i assumed you were fluent" "i am not" "well, i am fluent in both wingdings AND webdings, so i will read it to you: dear miss sable, you are a special dark elf who has done great good for the community; i have organised a fan gathering in your honour, and i hope you will come" "when is this fan gathering?" "in a few minutes, just past this door; i am excited to meet all my fans i didn't know i had" "me too; let's enter" Jakey and Sabrina enter the convention hall, and see nothing but oscillating fans as far as the eye can see. "um" "not what i thought she meant by fan gathering" "should have expected this really" "at least it's nice and cool in here" "wait what's that over there" Jakey and Sabrina strain to see a figure in the corner being blasted to and fro by the gust from the oscillating fans. It is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 072: Warping the Laws of Reality [Molly]
"hey molly, i heard about the really big shoe you're inventing" "pfft; that was but a ruse to throw those neanderthals off the trail of my REAL invention" "good because that was one of the dumbest inventions i've ever heard of and i was going to struggle to be polite about it" "i don't blame you, but i digress; my real, TRUE invention is THIS!!!" Molly rips a sheet off of a strange new product. "what is it" "it's a really SMALL shoe!!!" "pardon?" "i have uncovered the secret of storing the majority of the foot into a quantum dimension; this means that your foot will never be stepped on again!!! all of your foot that can be stepped on is safely inside a pocket dimension created specifically for your feet and your feet alone!!!" "that's um different" "i got the idea from that videogame, flame symbol: getting up; none of the characters in that game had feet, and i thought it was brilliant magic, but then the characters in the next game had feet again and i was disappointed BUT UNDETERRED!!!" "so if the forefeet are in a pocket dimension, how will you balance yourself?" "pardon?" "put those shoes on and walk around" "okay but i fail to see where you're going with this" Molly puts on her special quantum shoes and begins to walk around. She immediately falls on her face. "we as a people have all learned to balance with our forefeet present" "so we'll all have to learn to walk again, big deal; the benefits outweigh the disadvantages" "do you have a dvorak keyboard as well?" "obviously; all dark elves are trained in the art of dvorak; you humans who stubbornly stuck with qwerty are far behind our technological prowess, as you will also soon be behind our walking prowess" "i'll take your word for it" Michelle walks up, having accidentally changed her speech functions from QWERTY to Dvorak. "yat. m. drm." Michelle panics, and fixes her speech. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 073: Debts to Collect [Ilona]
"hey kid good timing; i need you to go over to the wicked chateau and break eleatrice's legs for me" "the queen of hell? isn't she diplomatically immune" "she waived her diplomatic immunity as per the terms of our loan, so i can send whomever i want in to break her legs if she doesn't pay in time, which she has not" "fair enough" "hope she doesn't kill you too badly" "oh, same" Jakey heads for the Wicked Chateau, where Eleatrice is up on the parapets. "so, you've come to break my legs, have you?! well, good luck getting past my elite retinue of guards!!! while lilith was recruiting goblins, i was creating far more evil, sinister creatures for my army!!! BEHOLD!!! WENDIGO!!!" "hey" "YUKI-ONNA!!!" "ohayo" "AND BLOODY MARY!!!" "hello sir" "that's just regular mary covered in blood" "i ran out of time" "also, aren't those other two ice-themed? shouldn't they work for icelia?" "hush, you; COME AND BREAK MY LEGS IF YOU DARE!!!" Jakey walks up to the defense force, and hands each of them a crisp fiver. "THAT'S CHEATING!!!" Jakey marches up, unopposed, to the parapets where Eleatrice is standing. "um can we talk about this?" "sure, after i break your legs, as i am contractually obligated to do" Jakey jumps onto Eleatrice and breaks her legs. "ow" Eleatrice jumps back up, her demonic powers healing her legs almost instantly. "that was unpleasant" "pay off your loan next time" "i probably won't" Michelle walks up with Wendigo and Yuki-Onna in tow, having paid each of them a crisp fiver. "refuse to take me home at your own peril"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Mary missions]

Mission 074: Villainous [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie, how's being reformed going?" "i am beginning to become bored of apologising to everyone" "i can imagine; once you do all the big apologies, it must be hard to will yourself to apologise for that one time you stepped on icelia's foot" "exactly; so i have decided to become a cop on the mean streets of alabama" "never thought i'd see the day" "neither did i, but i have graduated from the police academy, and am set to meet my new partner" Miranda ambles up on cue. "miranda? weren't you michelle's partner?" "michelle got um quietly released from the force with a massive severance package due to - how do i put this? massive corruption" "oh that sounds like her" "so now i am simply pleased as punch to be partnered with the former queen of hell!!! no one knows sin and depravity like someone who used to profit from such things!!!" "stop, you're making me blush" "and i have just received a report of someone robbing a bank at fishpoint!!!" "fishpoint?" "she was whacking people all around with that thing!!!" Gobtavia screams down the street in her stolen convertible, with cash flying everywhere due to being poorly secured in her sacks with dollar signs on them. "no care at all put into that crime" Jezzie creates a wall of demonic darkness, which Gobtavia plows straight into. Gobtavia flies out of her destroyed convertible, straight onto the pavement next to Jezzie. "did i do a good job" "um, sure" "hooray; miss lilith will be happy" Gobtavia waddles off. "aren't you going to arrest her?" "don't worry, she'll never try that again" "i'll defer to your judgement" Michelle grabs one of the sacks of cash and heads over to Jakey. "take me home, along with this fat sack of cash"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 075: No Scrubs [Nike]
"jakey good; i have determined that tungsten fist is, in fact, a button-masher for scrubs, and have taken to playing road pugilist instead" "that one's good too" "challenge me if you dare; there is no cat girl in this game" Jakey sits down next to Nike and grabs a controller. "i will pick the big spartan lady; see if you can match my pankration, mortal" "i'll pick the sumo wrestler" "ah, superior greek combat vs a big fat guy; engarde" Jakey does the flying headbutt move over and over. "come on that's cheap as hell" "find a counter to it" "i'm trying but i've run out of jelly juice and can't do my jelly move!!!" "hey look, i won" "i can't play these games with you; you are a spammer and i am above this" "you sound upset" "that's because i am" "fair enough" Jakey hands the controller to Michelle, who picks the American man and completely dominates Nike. "take me home and be a family man"
[reward: respect +]