The Thing to Know (2028)

Mission 101: Construction Mishaps [Siobhan]
"jakey can you believe this shit? my beautiful BONNIE TOWERS, branded with those terrible SIOBY letters" "you can always replace the letters you know" "no, the building is tainted now" Siobhan douses SIOBY TOWERS in gasoline and throws a lit match. "arson is illegal, you know" "it's my building; it's not like i'm torching someone else's property, and it's not even insured so i can't be committing fraud" "fair enough i suppose" "wait, why isn't it going up in flames? the fire's gone out" Candice walks up and slaps Siobhan upside the head. "because i used my best flame-retardant poplar you absolute dunce; this is a beautiful building that will be here long past when your stupid ass has been executed" "jakey, did you see that shit? she slapped me" "you deserved it" "i can't believe you're taking her side" "it's a beautiful building made with love and care" "it's a tainted building that misidentifies its owner" "maybe its owner misidentifies herself" "you did not just go there" "i did; wanna fight about it?" "no, i saw what you did to your ex-wife and two separate goddesses" "my demoness ex-wife who was at the time the evil queen of hell" "yeah yeah point is you have made a habit out of brutally murdering women and i want nothing to do with that" "smart" Siobhan simply places a for sale sign outside SIOBY TOWERS, and within a few moments, Michelle becomes the proud owner of SIOBY TOWERS. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 102: Progress Is Made [Olivia]
"hey olivia how's temping at the weather station working out for you" "i accidentally summoned a hurricane that laid absolute waste to the mystic forest" "no big loss" "yeah if any of your dark elf friends ask, say it was on purpose" "how'd you do such a thing accidentally?" "i saw this flashing red button that said 'FREE CANDY' and i pressed it and it created a hurricane in the northeast" "did you get any candy though?" "yeah a chocolate bar was expelled from the machine; a fair trade, i'd say" "definitely" "i may have also accidentally created a big tornado just outside that has lifted the weather station high into the air" "i did think it was odd that i had to leap here from the top of a skyscraper" "oh well i'm sure it'll pass and everything will be okay" "that's the spirit" Michelle blows in from outside, riding a cow. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 103: A Break in the Action [Ilona]
"hey kid i loaned a crisp fiver to one gwendolyn rose everhart as a restart-up for her streaming business; i need you to either collect that crisp fiver from her or break her legs" "on it" Jakey pounds the pavement and ends up at Gwendolyn's apartment. "hey gwendo i'm here on behalf of ilona" "oh hey here's that crisp fiver i owe, plus something for yourself" "oh thanks; hey, you look different somehow" "yeah i finally had that vampirism cured" "again?" "yeah hopefully for good this time" "so how did you come in to this huge stack of cash you're using as a throne" "goddess magic has made my stream audience actually love me and my abrasive personality; it's great" "sounds it" "i'm actually going on vacation later today and will be back in two days; be sure to visit so i can show you the pictures" "okay then; i've got to return this crisp fiver before ilona make me break my own legs" "oh yeah goodbye see you in a few days" Jakey hustles back to the Adventures in Debenture moneylender. "here's that crisp fiver" "shame, i wanted you to break her legs" "maybe next time" Michelle walks up and tucks a few crisp fivers into Jakey's pocket. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 104: A Long, Long Time Ago [Unimportant]
"jakey good i needed to see you; i've been stargazing again" "and did your horoscope say you're going to stub your toe again?" "no, my horoscope said i'd have a pleasant meal and find a shiny quarter; it's scarlett's piscesly horoscope i'm worried about" "scarlett again?" "yes, as a werewolf pisces, she is also affected by the constellation lupus" "makes sense" "and lupus and pisces are both in concert, which, when combined with the full moon tomorrow night, will turn scarlett into a werewolf!!!" "um, yes; that is what the full moon does" "but this time, she will not go back to being a human!!! she will be stuck in werewolf form FOREVER!!!" "wait, seriously?" "yes, it's simple astrological science" "should we be worried? is it going to be a situation where she's still scarlett but just a little fuzzy, or a situation where she's completely feral?" "the latter unfortunately" "we need to come up with a solution" "good luck with that; astrological scientists have been trying to figure out a solution to the whole lupus/pisces/full moon thing for centuries" "well maybe i need to turn away from science to magic" "oh good idea; wherever did i leave that necronomicon?" "you threw it in the trash" "oh, guess i'm headed to the dump" "uh, good luck with that" Jakey does not tell Unimportant of the Necronomicon's fate, due to not wanting to place history back on track for a dark angel Unimportant future. Michelle nods in agreement. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 105: I Can Still Remember How That Music Used to Make Me Smile [Ortence]
"ortence, it's horrible; pisces and lupus are in concert and there's a full moon coming" "i have no idea what that means; i'm not into astrology" "you know international hero scarlett?" "yes, she's a werewolf, isn't she?" "yes; when pisces and lupus are in concert, the full moon will permanently turn scarlett into a feral werewolf!!!" "oh well that sucks" "do you have any magicks stored up that can avert this tragedy tomorrow night?!" "well i suppose i can try to move the stars around, but i might just destroy the astrological signs altogether and cause pandemonium" "can't you just move lupus away from pisces?" "it's not that precise; you have to remember that those stars are like really far away" "unfortunately, i cannot condone uprooting society and destroying the lives of several cute girls for the sake of just a single cute girl" "wise" "i suppose i need to come up with a different solution; thanks though" "good luck; i hope to be present outside the doorway when scarlett takes a triumphant bubbly bath when this future is averted" "same" Michelle walks up and wastes no time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 106: And I Knew If I Had My Chance, That I Could Make Those People Dance [Father Brucie]
"father brucie, have you heard?!" "pisces and lupus are in concert, and the full moon is tomorrow night" "yes, i'm worried about scarlett" "she has suffered a terrible curse, and the lord's trial for her will truly begin tomorrow night" "is there any way we can avert that trial?" "it is the lord's will to test scarlett" "so basically you're not going to help" "scarlett will pass her trial if she, in her werewolf form, says ten hail marys; afterward, she will turn back to human, having cured her lycanthropy completely" "okay cool i need to prepare for tomorrow night then" "godspeed, my son" Jakey rushes out of the church, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 107: And Maybe They'd Be Happy for Awhile [Ruth]
"ruth, i need you to do a constellation inspection" "fair enough i suppose; it's a nice night, the moon almost full and all" Ruth gazes upward at the stars. "oh no" "lupus and pisces?" "in concert" "so it's true then; tomorrow night, scarlett will turn feral" "indeed" "ruth, tomorrow, i'm going to have candice build a cage that can hold scarlett, and i need you to inspect it after it's built" "i'll rearrange my schedule; i always liked that girl" "she's an icon, and we need to save her" "yes" Michelle walks up and wastes no time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 108: But February Made Me Shiver with Every Paper I'd Deliver [Candice]
"candice, i need a cage built quickly" "i'm your girl; what are you trying to entrap" "a werewolf" "oh boy; i can finally use my silver-infused poplar boards for this one" "give me the QRD" "the poplar prevents the werewolf from dying from the silver, but the silver prevents the werewolf from being strong enough to destroy the poplar" "perfect" "is this about the girl in the tub? i always liked her and her jolly tunes" "yes; pisces and lupus are in concert, and the full moon is coming tonight" "i have no idea what that means but i will trust that it is bad and will make this cage for you" "thank you so much" Jakey slips Candice a crisp fiver. Michelle also slips Candice a crisp fiver. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 109: Bad News on the Doorstep; I Couldn't Take One More Step [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo i said i'd visit to hear about your vacation but i'm a bit-WOAH what happened to you?!" "i thought transylvania was a beach but it was actually a country run by vampires so long story short, i'm a vampire again" "oh" "so i do not have any vacation pictures to show; i came straight home because i was pretty bummed about it" "i'll bet" "so what are you up to" "lupus and pisces are in concert, and the full moon is tonight, so i need to entrap scarlett and make her say her hail marys so she won't be a feral werewolf forever" "oh well um thanks for remembering to visit me despite your delicate important task; i won't take up any more of your time" "thanks gwendo; i'll help you restock your refrigerator with blood tomorrow if it all goes well" "oh thanks" Michelle walks up and wastes no time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 110: I Can't Remember If I Cried When I Read About His Widowed Bride [Scarlett]
"scarlett, the moon will be full tonight" "yeah it sucks but what can you do?" "listen, lupus and pisces are in concert tonight as well; this won't be your average ordinary transformation" "uh-oh um what can we do in that case?" "i've funded a special cage for you; it will keep you from rampaging but also won't hurt you" "sweet; i wish i had this years ago" "yeah well one thing to remember: you can cure your lycanthropy forever if, in your werewolf form, you say ten hail marys" "i don't have the presence of mind in that form to do such a thing" "please try" "okay i'll um do my best" Scarlett steps into the cage, and Jakey closes it behind her. Soon, she is turned into a werewolf by the full moon. Scarlett seems less in-control than ever before. "scarlett?" Scarlett unleashes a terrible howl. "scarlett, do your ten hail marys" Scarlett attempts to break the cage, but to no avail. "i need to get scarlett back in control somehow; maybe if i expose the werewolf scarlett to things the human scarlett loves" Jakey draws a bath, and shoves the tub into the cage, placing Scarlett's prized rubber ducky in the water. Scarlett looks at the tub quizically, as if she is beginning to remember. "j-jolly. t-tune?" "yes, scarlett, jolly tune" "you, guard bath?" "yes" "only come in if i say 'r-RIBOFLAVIN'?" "yes, i will" The werewolf Scarlett grabs her rubber ducky and climbs into the bath. She begins to sing. "♫no woman, no cry; no woman, no cry♫" Jakey's heart sinks into his stomach. Scarlett, in her werewolf form, has violated the newest amendment to the Jolly Tune Accords of 1986. As the werewolf sings a reggae tune in the bath, Jakey's mind flashes back to something Scarlett had said to him earlier this month. "promise me something: if i break the jolly tune accords, please put me down like the dog i have become" "do not worry, i promise i will" "thanks, you're a peach" "i'm sorry, scarlett" Jakey loads a silver bullet into his revolver, a single tear streaming down his face. "i tried to save you, but now i must honour your last request" Jakey fires his gun straight at Scarlett's werewolf head, putting her down like the dog she has become. Jakey stands in silence for what feels like hours, until a hand is placed on his shoulder. It is Michelle. "come on jakey, i'll take you home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 111: But Something Touched Me Deep Inside the Day the Music Died [Father Brucie]
"dearly departed, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of scarlett hayes, whose lycanthropy proved fatal when pisces and lupus came in concert" The crowd is simply in tatters. Tears stream down the faces of every mourner, from the humans to the orcs, the dark elves to the pixingtons, the goblins to the demonesses. Jakey takes the podium. "before she died, scarlett told me to promise her that if she ever broke the jolly tune accords, to put her down, in her own words, like the dog she'd become; i've killed a lot of people over the years, but none has affected me so deeply as having to take the life of such a paragon, but the lycanthropy twisted her mind to an unrecognisable state, and i executed her last request" Jakey hangs his head and bangs it on the podium, a mixture of sadness and anger consuming him. Just then, however, a heavenly light pours down from the skies. "hello everyone; my name is saint piper, and i am here to right the wrongs that have been committed" Piper heads over to the casket and places her hand on Scarlett's forehead. Scarlett is brought back to life, but as more than a human. "please everyone welcome our newest angel: scarlett hayes" "oh thank god; i was worried for a second that my actions might have consequences" "not this time jakey" Scarlett flutters upward from her casket, her holy light engulfing the funeral venue. "mourn no longer, my friends" A roar emerges from the crowd. "SING US A JOLLY TUNE, SAINT SCARLETT!!!" "okay, if you insist; jakey, please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "yes, any time" Scarlett turns and grabs Saint Rubber Ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫all alone at the end of the evening, when the bright lights have faded to blue♫" Jakey and the entire funeral procession bop along to the tune. Luckily, the Jolly Tune Accords allow a crowd that has gathered to sing along, because no one could ever stop this raucous chorus. "♫SO PUT ME ON A HIGHWAY, AND SHOW ME A SIGN, AND TAKE IT!!! TO THE LIMIT!!! ONE MORE TI-IME!!!♫" The crowd sings their little hearts out, even the demonesses getting in on it. The tune ends in a flash, and Scarlett emerges from the bath. "goodbye, my friends; i will be back soon" "godspeed, scarlett" Scarlett ascends to her new abode: Heaven, as one of its angels. Michelle walks up and pats Jakey on the back. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]