The Thing to Know (2028)

Mission 026: With Your Own Ones [Lilith]
"jakey have you heard about this shit? that nyx lady has created a new lifeform called a 'kobold' and she is claiming that these kobolds are superior to goblins" "i can see why she would say that" "she is lying through her teeth; goblins are the best" "how so" "how so?! HOW SO?! isn't it obvious?! goblins are smaller and can fit into tighter spaces" "okay, fair" "goblins are completely invincible to harm, whereas these kobolds are very vincible (i assume)" "okay" "and i mean look at gobtavia over there" Jakey turns to see Gobtavia whacking a punching bag with a fish. "can any of these kobolds do THAT?!" "probably not" "so this is why i have enacted a law to keep these disgusting kobold creatures out of my precious gomorrah" "i'm sure they will be completely broken up to the point of suicide" "we can only hope" Gobigail waddles up to Lilith. "miss lilith i made this for you" Gobigail hands Lilith a rock that she duct taped googly eyes onto. Lilith's face turns smug. "i'd like to see one of those kobolds make something this artistic" "i like art" Jakey inspects the gift. "you can't even see the googly eyes underneath the duct tape" "it's avant garde jakey; you wouldn't understand it" Jakey rolls his eyes. "yes, that nyx is terrible at creating lifeforms" "you do realise that nyx was the one who originally created goblins, right?" "what." "she created goblins as a mockery of artemis's orcs; artemis explained to me all about it" "well no wonder goblins are better than kobolds; the original is always better than the sequel" "not always" "yes, always; would you rather watch plaything tale 1 or 2" "1, but-" "QED" "but-" "QED" "i-" "what part of QED don't you understand?!" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a rock that she nailed googly eyes to. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Nyx missions/Gobigail missions]

Mission 027: All That Paper [Lilith]
"jakey i wanted to change the sinful manse's wallpaper so i asked gobriella if she had any thoughts on the process and she's just had SO MANY THOUGHTS; i didn't think goblins thought that much in a year" "i'm surprised as well" "i need to unwind after hearing all that, so i am going to take a bath" "yes, you need a bath" "i will choose to take that as 'you deserve to relax' rather than 'you smell bad'" "can't it be both? you smell of sulfur" "then the bath won't help, as my soap is made of sulfur as well" "joy" "so guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'BLUE 2 LAKE'" "got it" Lilith grabs her rubby ducker and heads into bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "ALL RIGHT!!! now dig this, baby: ♫you don't care for me, i don't care about that; you got a new fool, ha! i like it like that; i have only one burning desire: let me stand next to your fire♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Gobriella waddles up the stairs. "jakey i need to see lilith; i have come up with more ideas for the wall paper" "lilith is currently in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "♫LET ME STAND NEXT TO YOUR FIRE, LET ME STAND♫" "i do not want to forget my ideas" "tell them to me and i will write them down for lilith to look at later" "okay good idea; the wall paper should come with its own pack of crayons because ours are running low on drawing power" "okay" "i also looked up on the bicylopedia that paper sometimes comes in things called 'reams' where there are a lot of papers stacked on top of each other, so the wall paper should definitely be in ream form in case we run out of space to draw" "makes sense" "and the wall paper should be about this high so that we can reach it better to draw on because a lot of the wall paper right now is out of our reach and we have to get ladders to draw on it and we fall off a lot" "anything else?" "not now but i have put together a crack team of goblins to come up with as many ideas as we can" "godspeed, gobriella" Gobriella marches down the stairs and Lilith exits the bath. "is she gone" "yeah and i have notes for you" "i didn't realise when i mentioned wallpaper that she'd misinterpret it like that" "you've been working with goblins for how long, again?" "fair point" Michelle walks up and hands Lilith her own list of ideas for the wallpaper. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 028: Reality Sets In [Lilith]
"lilith? you look tired" "i just sat down gobriella and explained what i meant by wallpaper" "did she not respond favourably?" "when i finished explaining that it's not like regular white paper that you draw on and is instead a decoration for the wall that you very much don't draw on, she said, and i quote 'that sounds stupid and not very fun at all; my crack team of goblins have come up with far better ideas for wall paper that you CAN draw on'" "pretty much what i expected" "sometimes, i simply want to abandon this country and let it rot" "but then what would you do? go back to hell and let eleatrice gloat?" "i could move in with you" "um no; we're full" "i know you've got an empty guest room in there" "that's where i store my dust" "fair enough i suppose; i store mine in my office, right on top of all the important paperwork i've collected over the years" "experts say that is the best place to store dust" Michelle walks up and donates twelve reams of paper and boxes of crayons to the Sinful Manse. The goblins all cheer in unison. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 029: If You Survive [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫you run, run, run away; it's your heart that you betray♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Gobriella walks up the stairs. "hello jakey i am here to see scarlett" "why?" "miss lilith told me that scarlett would really appreciate my wall paper ideas and i should go and tell her about them right now" "scarlett is in the bath; i cannot allow you to enter" "miss lilith made it sound urgent" "no one gets past" "♫SHOOTIN' AT THE WALLS OF HEARTACHE!!! BANG, BANG!!! I AM THE WARRIOR!!!♫" "see? she is talking about how she shot her walls; bang bang" "it's metaphorical" "well she will need a lot of wall papers to cover those holes in her four icicle walls" Jakey slaps himself on the face. "no, i mean that she didn't actually shoot her walls; she is using the word 'walls' to represent obstacles she has encountered" "then she will need a lot of wall papers to cover those holes in her sticky walls" Jakey pulls out his gun and shoots Gobriella in-time with the 'BANG BANG' of the song. "now she will need wall papers to cover the bloodstains" Scarlett exits her bath, surprised at the bloodstains. "i thought you were just shooting out the window for emphasis" "i was shooting this goblin due to frustrations" "fair enough" "miss scarlett; let me tell you about wall papers" Scarlett and Gobriella head to the dressing room, while Michelle places a sticker over the bloodstain on the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 030: The Lonely Street of Dreams [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i don't know where i'm goin', but i sure know where i've been♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Gutterelda walks up the stairs carrying an old tin can. "alms for the hobos" "yeah here you go" Jakey places a crisp fiver into Gutterelda's can. "thank you kind sir; please step aside so i can collect alms for the hobos from scarlett" "scarlett is currently in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "♫HERE I GO AGAIN, ON MY OWN; GOIN' DOWN THE ONLY ROAD I'VE EVER KNOWN!!! LIKE A HOBO I WAS BORN TO WALK ALONE♫" "see? scarlett is sympathetic to the plight of the hobo and will surely donate" "after her bath" "i have a lot of houses to hit" "no one gets past" "she specifically mentioned hobos despite the lyric to the song saying 'drifter'; it is a sign" "she's singing the original 1982 version" "never heard of it" "back when whitesnake was a blues rock band" "never heard of that; pretty sure you're making it up" "what." "it's hard to imagine such a peak glam metal band having been something else entirely before that" "they came out of the ruins of deep purple" "then why aren't they called purplesnake?" "i-what." "see? you've been caught in your lie; now stand aside" "never; i will die before i abandon my post" "then i suppose that is what must happen" Gutterelda pulls a glass bottle out of her hoboly pocket. A single tear streams down her cheek as she breaks the bottle over the bannister, nullifying its nickel return value. As Gutterelda winds up her bottle-shank, Scarlett exits the bathroom. "alms for the hobos" "oh you poor thing; allow me to get for you those alms" Scarlett and Gutterelda head to the vault, while Michelle attempts to glue the broken bottle back together so she can get the nickel for it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 031: He'll Rip Your Lungs Out, Jim [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i saw a werewolf with a chinese menu in his hand walking through the streets of soho in the rain♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Artemis floats up the stairs, brandishing a silver club. "jakey you'll never believe this: i was listening to orelie's old radio broadcasts that i missed, and i learned that scarlett is a WEREWOLF!!!" "yeah i was there when they taped that episode" "i haven't hunted a werewolf in years and i'm raring to get in there" "scarlett is in the bath" "yes; a perfect time for the hunt" "no one gets past" "♫AWOOOOO~!!! WEREWOLVES OF LONDON!!! AWOOOOO~!!! AWOOOOO~!!! WEREWOLVES OF LONDON!!! AWOOOOO~!!!♫" "she's taunting me" "she's singing a jolly tune that she had committed to before you even floated up the stairs" "since when do they have jolly tunes about werewolves?" "since 1977" "really? i've missed a lot then" "a lot of good music has come out in the last fifty years; i recommend it" "♫little old lady got mutilated late last night~; werewolves of london again~♫" "this song's pretty good" "i know, right?" Jakey and Artemis bop along to the tune until Scarlett exits the bath. "um hello there, goddess of the hunt" "sing another one!!!" "two bubbly baths straight in a row? oh, all right" Scarlett turns and enters the bath again, and begins to sing a second jolly tune. "♫darken the city, night is a wire; steam in the subway, earth is afire; dodo dootdodo dootdodo dootdodo doot dodo dootdootdo~♫" Jakey and Artemis bop along to the tune in unison. "♫STRADDLE THE LINE, IN DISCORD AND RHYME, I'M ON THE HUNT, I'M AFTER YOU; MOUTH IS ALIVE, WITH JUICES LIKE WINE, AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF♫" Scarlett soon finishes her second jolly tune and exits the bath extra clean. "i almost made a grave error in beating you to death with this silver club" "i'll say" "as repentence, i will come back to guard your baths when jakey is not available" "sounds good to me" Artemis salutes and exits the building. Michelle rushes into the bathroom, having had to go (home) for two whole jolly tunes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions]

Mission 032: Keeping Things Moving [Koraline]
"hey koraline; how's keeping olympus working going for you" "oh it's great; those angels left a lot of tasks undone around here due to their crippling laziness and i have been simply aflutter with glee at all the work i have in front of me" "was that sarcasm" "yes; i am growing to hate those angels because i am currently organising the tax returns from 1983 that have been sitting on this desk for 45 years" "that sucks, and nyx only hired you because you work for peanuts" "we kobolds aren't greedy; we only ask for what we need to meet our physiological needs and a roof over our heads" "oh nice" "i may have to break that tradition and ask for a coffeemaker" "the luminous villa didn't already have one?" "no, angels drink tea" "oh" "maybe once i get through these 1983 tax returns, i'll have enough leverage to get one before i start on 1984" "i'd hope so" "i put poor kolanda on throwing out the expired food in the fridge and she got food poisoning from just opening the thing" "oh dear" "even the mold was covered in mold" "eugh" "i've given kolanda the rest of the week off for all the trauma she's endured" "good call" Michelle opens the fridge and passes out. She briefly awakens to impart her final words onto her dear brother: "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 033: A Devastating Life [Koraline]
"hey koraline, knocking off for the day?" "yeah the shift is finally over; i need a nice, long, relaxing bubblybath; do you know of any bubblybath guards" "if i may be so bold, kobold, behold" Jakey presents his official Bubblybath Guard license. "impressive; a class A license and all" "well you know" "so please guard for me my bath and don't come in unless i yell 'SILICON DIOXIDE'" "yes ma'am" Koraline turns and grabs her rubby ducker and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫you found a sweater on the ocean floor; they're gonna find it if you didn't close the door; you and the smart ones sit outside of their sight in a house on a street they wouldn't park on at night♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Nyx ascends the stairs. "jakey, where's koraline" "she's in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "well when she's done tell her i got her that wafflemaker she wanted" "didn't she ask for a coffeemaker?" "did she? well i got her a wafflemaker; ciao" "♫ME AND MY COUSINS AND YOU AND YOUR COUSINS; IT'S A LINE THAT'S ALWAYS RUNNING♫" Jakey nervously looks at the wafflemaker, knowing that Koraline will be disappointed. Jakey sighs and pulls out his phone to order a coffeemaker himself. Bailey arrives within seconds. "your delivery sir" "thanks" Jakey unwraps the box, and notices that Bailey mistakenly brought him a panini press. Koraline exits the bath after her short jolly tune. "is that a wafflemaker" "yeah nyx brought it and when i told her you wanted a coffeemaker, she said whatever and left" "and is that a panini press" "yeah i tried to get a coffeemaker delivered so you wouldn't be disappointed but bailey brought me the wrong thing" "well i appreciate the thought at least" Michelle walks up the stairs and presents Koraline with a sewing machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 034: Simple Machines [Koraline]
"hey koraline sorry again about the coffeemaker" "nah it's fine; the panini press you got me makes a great clothes iron" "really?" "yeah; it's kind of a silly invention though; sandwiches are supposed to be big and thick" "i know right?" Just then, Nyx comes in with a box. "koraline, you've been doing such a good job that i decided to get you that electric can-opener you wanted" "you're doing this on purpose, aren't you" "yes, i purposely got you the thing you asked for; ciao" Nyx exits the room. "joke's on her; this can opener is exactly what i needed; by disassembling the wafflemaker, the can-opener, and the sewing machine, i can create a coffeemaker" "really?" "yes; all i need is a carafe" "i got this" Jakey orders a carafe from his phone, and Bailey delivers to him a box within seconds. "oh boy oh boy" Koraline opens the box. "do carafes always come in metal cans" "i never bought just a carafe before" "i wish i had waited to take apart that can-opener" Koaline sets the carafe aside and begins to sulk. "i'm sure you'll get there eventually" "probably not" Michelle walks in and hands Koraline a fax machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 035: A Terrible Fate [Angie]
"hey angie; how goes the protest" "i can't believe you" "what?" "i just saw you cavorting with that kobold; you even bought her a panini press!!! and now you have the audacity to come up to me like we're buddy-buddy?" "um, yes?" "after all those years i spent as your guardian angel, this is how you repay me?" "you did nothing for 38 years" "did nothing?! DID NOTHING?! you sicken me" "name one thing you did" "uh i shouldn't have to explain myself to you" "whatever; how goes the protest" "awful; nyx has no intention of listening to our demands" "maybe you should have worked for less money, or, like, worked at all" "we had a good system going" "you hadn't filed the tax returns since 1982" "i was going to get around to it one day" "sure, sure" "when we get back into power - and we always do - you can forget about me going back to being your guardian angel" "i am sure i will not notice even a tiny difference" "yeah because you'll be dead" "i'm shaking" Having heard a statement that vaguely resembles a threat, Grace takes a shot from the next building's rooftop. "great, now i'm bleeding; thanks jakey, you're a real asset to the cause" "i try" Michelle walks up and slaps a gigantic band-aid over Angie's gunshot wound. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Koraline missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 036: A Prize Catch [Kosanna]
Jakey enters his apartment to see his guardian kobold, Kosanna, at a desk doing paperwork. "hey kosanna; how's being my guardian kobold going" "i have arranged your portfolio with all your assets, and i am currently doing your taxes" "i thought i was diplomatically immune to taxation" "in canada and alabama, yes, but your stint as king of hell means you still need to pay your evil taxes" "worst decision i ever made" "that must be why you've avoided making very many more since" "exactly" "regardless, i was able to get a lowered evil tax rate by donating some money to charity" "really?" "yes, and since i donated it to the kobold fund, i can return to you the money i donated in your name" Kosanna returns to Jakey a crisp fiver. "wow, i wish nyx had fired all the angels sooner" "now if you will excuse me, i need to do something about your potato chip factory" "i have a potato chip factory?" "yes, i bought it for you as a tax write-off; you are now the proud owner of evilman's potato chips" "i've never heard of evilman's" "that will soon change; i plan to turn evilman's into a household name" "godspeed kosanna" Kosanna leaves to check on the potato chip factory. Michelle walks in, munching on a bag of Evilman's Ridgèd Potato Chips in their evil Salt and Also Vinègar flavour. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 037: A Chip Off the Old Block [Kosanna]
"hey kosanna how's evilman's potato chips working out" "sales have skyrocketed ever since i introduced our signature recipe potato chips" "signature recipe?" "yes, we have a secret formula and everything" "i've always wanted my very own secret formula" "well here you go" Kosanna hands Jakey a glass bottle with a rolled up paper inside. "oh boy oh boy" As Jakey goes to grab it, Siobhan swings from the rafters and grabs the secret formula. "you FOOLS!!! now i, BONNIE MASTERSON!!!, will know your secret formula!!!" Bonnie laughs as she exits the factory. "should i be worried" "nah; i anticipated this, and stole the secret formula of our competitor, goodman's potato chips" "oh nice" "so if she creates badman's potato chips, they will be a knock-off of goodman's rather than evilman's" "no, she just likes to collect secret formulas and keep them to herself" "weird but whatever; either way, the evilman's secret formula is not on a piece of paper; it's encrypted in the highest canadian government classified documents server" "nice; i don't want anyone to steal my signature recipe that i don't know what it is" "exactly" Michelle walks in, munching on a bag of Evilman's Ridgèd Potato Chips in their evil Signature Recipe flavour. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 038: Signature Brand [Kosanna]
"jakey we've got a problem" "of course" "eleatrice is here - you know, the queen of hell? and she is demanding to know our secret formula" "that does sound like her; i'll handle it" Jakey and Kosanna head up to the main office, where Eleatrice is seated. "hello miss eleatrice; as manager of evilman's-" "psst sir i'm the manager; you're the CEO" "really? hot dog" "sir focus" "as CEO of evilman's potato chips, i'm afraid i cannot divulge such sensitive information" "yeah, that's not gonna fly; as queen of hell, i am legally entitled to know all secret formulas and special sauce recipes from businesses headquartered in hell" "is that so?" "yes, and since your only factory is in hell, you cannot claim that this is a canadian company" "unfortunately, i do not know the contents of the secret formula; kosanna is in charge of that" "and i had my memory wiped of all secret formula-related business after we began production in order to prevent me from spilling the beans even under torture" "oh, you're good, but i will acquire that secret formula; arrivederci" Eleatrice teleports out. "was that true, kosanna?" "yeah i couldn't even tell you the first ingredient in our signature recipe" "what if we run out of signature recipe" "do not worry; past me travelled forward in time to various points when our stores ran out and ordered more ingredients" "i'm legitimately impressed" "it's part of being a kobold: do it right every time all the time" Michelle salutes Kosanna. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 039: Never Have to Compromise [Kosanna]
"jakey after all of that managing, i am beat and need a relaxing bubbly bath; please guard for me my bath and only come in if i yell 'BEEF GELATIN'" "okay there's no way that one's a real thing" "it's in gummy worms" "seriously?" "look it up, after my bath" "okay" Kosanna turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫all i wanna do when i wake up in the morning is see your eyes, kosanna, kosanna; i never thought that a girl like you could ever care for me, kosanna♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Scarlett storms up the stairs. "jakey i am here about a violation of the jolly tune accords of 1986" "wait what" "it says that in the bath, one may not change a song's lyrics to be about the singer" "i didn't know we had a law for that" "an INTERNATIONAL law; decades of war were resolved with these accords, and kosanna is in direct violation" "♫MEET YOU ALL THE WAY; MEET YOU ALL THE WAY, KOSANNA, YEAH♫" "i am in a froth just hearing it" "well reading over the jolly tune accords, i also see that a bath guard may not abandon his post, even to enforce the selfsame accords" "what? give me that" Scarlett pores over the accords again. "fair enough; i will wait to issue this citation" Jakey and Scarlett wait for the tune to end, Scarlett's fists clenching hard every time she hears 'Kosanna' instead of 'Rosanna'. When Kosanna exits the bath, Scarlet's palms are bloody from her nails digging into her skin. "um hello there, miss scarlett" "hello there, WAR CRIMINAL" "what." "you are in direct violation of the jolly tune accords of 1986!!!" "the what now" As Scarlett up-and-down berates Kosanna for her crimes, Michelle points to the section of the accords that requires Jakey to take her home after a successful bath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 040: Never Let Another Girl Like You Work Me Over [Ruth]
"jakey, after your guardian kobold kosanna broke the jolly tune accords of 1986, i need to inspect her bathwater" "how are you going to do that" "unfortunately, the accords state that inspections of the bathwater from offending baths must be - eugh - bathed in again by the inspector" "i'm so sorry" "so i will need you to guard my bath for the inspection, then for the bath to wash myself clean of whatever contaminants may be in the inspection bath" "i will not let you down ruth" "please only come in if i yell 'BARLEY MALT EXTRACT'" "on it" Ruth turns and grabs her regulation rubber ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing the regulation jolly tune. "♫last night, i had the strangest dream; i sailed away to china in a little rowboat to find ya♫" As per the regulations, Jakey bops along to the tune. "♫AIN'T NOTHIN' GONNA BREAK-A MY STRIDE, NOBODY GONNA SLOW ME DOWN; OH NO, I'VE TO KEEP A-MOVIN'♫" Ruth finishes her tune, being sure to hit all of the chorus repeats in the coda so as to not have a false investigation, and exits the bath. "so how did it go" "the bath water was fine, as i suspected, and this was just a gross waste of time" "so, round two?" "round two" Ruth returns to the bath, this time in order to clean herself after her disgusting previous bath, and begins to sing a second jolly tune. "♫thirty-two teeth in a jawbone, alabama's tryin for none; before i have to hit him, i hope he's got the sense to run♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Kosanna walks up the stairs in shackles. "did ruth finish her inspection yet? my bail is dependent on passing bathwater inspection" "yes, but she is in a second bath in order to clean herself" "oh i don't blame her; i'll just wait" "♫ALABAMA GETAWAY, GET AWAY; ALABAMA GETAWAY, GET AWAY; ONLY WAY TO PLEASE ME IS JUST SIT DOWN AND LEAVE AND WALK AWAY♫" Jakey and Kosanna bop along to the tune until Ruth has exited the bath. "oh, kosanna; i suppose i have to free you now until your trial" "yeah i need to get a lawyer and everything" Ruth unlocks Kosanna's shackles, and Kosanna bows before she heads off to find a lawyer. Michelle flashes her lawyer's badge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kosanna missions]

Mission 041: An Educated Life [Artemis]
"hey artemis what are you up to" "i wanted to be scarlett's secondary bathroom guard, but there's this huge test i have to complete first apparently" "oh yeah, the advanced bubbly bath guardsman's aptitute test, or ABBGAT" "wait, there's an ADVANCED test?! i've been wracking my brain to study for the basic test!!!" "uh sorry to hear that" "i'll never get my bubbly bath guard license at this rate" "oh it's fine; you just need to remember a few things about the jolly tune accords of 1986, as well as the 1992 addendum to the jolly tune accords, which prohibits the use of handheld electronic devices in the bath after duke richter nitreaux of calgary was tragically killed when trying to make toast in the bath" "wait really?" "yeah and then there's the 2003 addendum to the jolly tune accords, which prohibits the use of the same bathwater for two separate baths unless required for a bathwater inspection" "a bathwater inspection? why would anyone ever need to do that?" "all bathwater must be inspected by an official inspector if any part or parcel of the jolly tune accords is breached" "any other addendums i should be aware of?" "well they've been trying to pass another addendum for a few years now that prohibits the singing of reggae in the bath, but that is a highly contentious topic that may never be resolved" "what's wrong with reggae?" "listen, if you want to sing reggae in the bath, you should do it sooner rather than later, because a news report could drop any day now confirming that the addendum has been signed into law" "um could you guard my bath real quick then? only come in if i yell 'CORN MALTODEXTRIN'" "yes ma'am" Artemis turns and grabs her rubber gazelle and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a reggae tune. "♫i can see clearly now, the rain is gone; i can see all obstacles in my way♫" Due to its contentious nature, Jakey does not bop along to the reggae tune as Scarlett ascends the stairs. "is that artemis? singing a reggae tune in the bath?" "yes indeed" "she knows about the proposed addendum to the jolly tune accords, right?" "i told her and gave her a test and she failed" "she clearly isn't cut out to guard bubbly baths" "clearly" "♫IT'S GONNA BE A BRIGHT, BRIGHT SUNSHINY DAY♫" "disgusting" Scarlett and Jakey wait outside the bath for it to be over, and for Artemis to exit. "you failed the test, artemis" "huh?" "i could never let my bubbly baths be guarded by someone who would sing REGGAE in the bath!!!" "it's not illegal yet" "YET. mark my words, that addendum WILL pass, and your kind will be behind bars where they belong" Scarlett storms off. "jakey what the fuck why didn't you tell me scarlett would get mad if i sang reggae in the bath" "it was a test, which you failed" "um brb" Artemis leaves to strike a deal with Timera, the demoness of time, to bring her back in time to the fateful moment. "listen, if you want to sing reggae in the bath, you should do it sooner rather than later, because a news report could drop any day now confirming that the addendum has been signed into law" "i would never do that; reggae in the bath? despicable" "you passed the test" Artemis looks hopeful. "is what i would have said if you hadn't used time travel to avoid the consequences of your actions" "how did you know?!" "as soon as you said 'brb', i put on my tinfoil hat, which makes me immune to mind manipulation" "damn" "it's not gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day for you, lady" "scarlett does not need to know about this" "true; she wasn't wearing her tinfoil hat, so she's unaware of your crimes; i'll avoid telling her if you give me a crisp fiver" Artemis glares at Jakey and slaps a crisp fiver into his hands. "carry on with your studies; you'll need them" Jakey walks out of Artemis's house, carrying Michelle under his arm. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Timera missions]

Mission 042: Dire Warnings [Octavia]
"oh jakey hi um i was just about to take a bath" "would you like for me to guard your bath" "what." "i am a licensed bubbly bath guardsman" "you humans are so weird; bathing with bubbles? i should scoff at you for that alone, but you also need people to guard your baths? HUGE scoff" "but what if there's an emergency?" "fine, i'll humour you; guard my bath and only come in if i yell uh 'GLYCEROL ESTER OF ROSIN'" "you got it" Octavia rolls her eyes as she grabs her sandpaper ducky and heads into the bath. There, she begins to sing a metal tune. "♫welcome to our fortress tall; i'll take some time to show you 'round; impossible to ba-reak these walls, for you see the steel is much too strong♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, it is suddenly cut short. "GLYCEROL ESTER OF ROSIN" Jakey kicks down the door to the bath to see Octavia trying to punch a crow. "uh-" "jakey don't just stand there; help me catch this crow!!! he's got my soap!!!" Indeed, in the crow's talons is a bar of soap. Jakey shoots the bird down with the precision of a seasoned bathroom guard. Jakey hands Octavia her soap with a smirk. "oh laugh it up, smart guy; dramatic irony dictates that i'd have a bath-related emergency given that i decried the necessity of a bath guard before" "have you learned your lesson?" "not on your life" "fair enough" As Octavia finishes her washing in embarrassed silence, Michelle ambles up the steps. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 043: Double or Nothing [Octavia]
"okay smart guy; double or nothing on the bath guard situation" "what are the terms?" "if you prove that i need a bath guard, i will never again take a bath without one, but if i win, i get to scoff at you" "i'll take that bet" "fine; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'GLYCEROL ESTER OF ROSIN'" "yes ma'am" Octavia grabs her sandpaper ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a metal tune. "♫under the lights where we stand tall, nobody touches us at all; showdown, shootout; spread fear within, without♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Odilia ascends the staircase. "jakey i just learned a cool new spell and i want to surprise octavia by turning her into a newt" "octavia is currently in the bath, and is not to be disturbed" "come on, be a pal" "no one gets past" "♫HERE WE COME, REACH FOR YOUR GUN AND YOU'D BETTER LISTEN WELL, MY FRIEND, YOU SEE: IT'S SLOW, DOWN BELOW; AIMED AT YOU, WE'RE THE COWBOYS FROM HELL♫" "come on, it would be way funnier if she was bathing" "do you see this bath guard license, odilia? i am honour-bound to never let anyone past during a bath, regardless of how funny it might be; i took the scarlocratic oath, passed down from ancient bubbly bath philosopher scarlotes" "i have no idea what you just said, so i will simply retort: more like harlotes" "oh good one; i haven't heard that one since bubbly bath guardsman's school" "you went to school for this?" "indeed" "i will never understand you humans" Octavia's metal tune finishes, and she exits the bath. "see? nothing to-" "ABRA KADABRA ALAKAZAM!!!" Odilia turns Octavia into a newt. "i held her back from doing that DURING the bath" "joy; can you change me back?" "the only way to break the spell is true love's kiss" "well i truly love fisticuffs, so punch me in the face" "okay" Jakey punches Octavia's newtly form in the face, bringing her back to orcliness. "glad that's over" "call me next time you want to bathe" "sure, sure" Michelle walks in, having been turned into a newt. "the only way to break the spell is to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions]

Mission 044: It's the Only Way to Live [Enyo]
"jakey i have been doing more research on that dryzler appaloosa i bought so that i may become a 'car guy'" "and what has your research told you" "did you know that for every gallon of gasoline that is put into this thing, it can drive several MILES? and did you know that a mile is 5,280 feet? which is as many as 1,760 yards? this is a remarkable piece of technology" "a mile is a long distance to go on just a single gallon of fluid" "i know, right? when i drink a gallon of plastic explosive energy supplements, i can only go as many as 3,540 feet before i pass out" "you drink a full gallon of energy supplements at once?" "just the one time, for the comparison, but i don't see a reason to do that now that i have a car, especially since i could barely even get a whole gallon of that stuff down" "i'll bet; if you weren't a goddess, your heart probably would have stopped" "true, i may need to rerun the experiment with a human for total accuracy; then i'll probably need some kind of control group and it's just a big hassle really" "yeah, science is for losers" "unlike cars; did you know that inside this tiny frame, the geniuses at dryzler fit not only an engine, but a transmission and a large battery as well? it's astounding" "makes you wonder how they even have room for seats" "truly one of god's miracles" "truly" Michelle honks the horn of Enyo's Dryzler Appaloosa. "AND IT CAN MAKE BEEPING NOISES AS WELL?! MARVELLOUS!!!" "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 045: The Best Kinds [Demeter]
"jakey, how would you say are the best foods made?" "in a factory using far too much sugar, or hunted down and slaughtered" "oh, you're one of those" "one of those people who are completely right?" "no one appreciates fruits and vegetables any more" "we as a society have evolved past the need for such foods" "but they're so much better for your health and they taste great" "um no, and further: no; we have vitamin supplements that give you all of your necessary vitamins in a chewable form shaped like a caveman, and vegetables are simply unpallatable to the modern man" "it saddens me that you would think this way" "the world has moved on from the need to grow its food; you claim to be a major goddess, but perhaps it is time you were demoted" "demoted?! and who, dare i ask, would you have take my place?" "apate" "APATE?!" "yes; trickery and deceit will always be relevant in our society" "fine, whatever; i'm resigning because this future you are leading us into does not interest me in the slightest" "cool; bye" Demeter mopes her way to Nyx's office and resigns. Nyx is more than happy to nepotistically promote Apate, her own daughter, to the position of major goddess. Demeter is found hanging from the ceiling later. "see you in two years" Michelle walks up and bats at Demeter's corpse, causing it to swing around. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Apate missions]

Mission 046: A Beautiful Sight [Valerie]
Jakey arrives at Valerie's shack at the graveyard, and sees Busara giving a tour of the place to some tourists. "and over here is the largest known pile of corpses known to man" "i-i-i-i w-was p-planning to b-bury them e-eventually" "think about it, alabamanians: your loved ones could one day be a part of this grand mountain of decaying corpses" "i-i-i-it's n-not a m-mountain!!! i-it's a m-molehill, at b-best!!!" "because new corpses pile onto the top, who knows who exactly is buried under this, the mount everest of corpse piles; in a way, you could say that that body was, indeed, buried, just not in the way that the taxpayers fund" "w-w-we r-receive zero f-funding f-from the g-government!!! th-that's wh-why i-i-i-i t-take s-so many s-side jobs" "yes, this gravedigger is a world-famous jockey of discs and a comicbook artist!!! no wonder she has no time to bury these bodies before they start to rot!!!" Busara leads the tour onto the gravesites themselves. "and here we have the sites where the bodies lucky enough to be buried dwell for the rest of time!!! note that most of these gravestones are made of cardboard!!!" "m-m-marble is e-expensive!!! i-i-i-i h-have to b-buy it m-myself!!!" "and look here: this tombstone's glorious epitaph reads 'rip some guy'" "TH-THEY D-DON'T C-COME WITH N-NAMETAGS!!!" "makes you wonder why she doesn't just dig a big pit and throw all the corpses in there" "y-you can d-do that?! th-th-that would s-save s-so much t-time!!!" "all right kids; load back up on the bus for our next stop: the deadly sulfur pits of the twilit forest!!!" The tourists excitedly rush back aboard the bus, and Busara peels out for the next destination. Michelle is left behind, due to having fallen into an open grave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 047: Innovative New Techniques [Valerie]
"hey val, uh what's with the giant hole?" "th-that b-busara is a t-true innovator!!! i-i-i-i c-can b-bury every c-corpse in o-one big h-hole!!! n-no m-more c-corpse pile!!! i-i-i-i c-can also h-have b-bailey d-directly dump th-the corpses i-into the hole!!!" "makes you wish we'd known of her thirteen years ago when we first met" "h-has it b-been th-that long?!" "yeah time flies" "w-well n-now i-i-i-i f-finally h-have time t-to t-take that b-bath i-i-i-i've b-been meaning to t-take" "say no more; i will guard your bath for you" "th-thank you; o-only c-come in if i-i-i-i y-yell 'SORBIC ACID'" "got it" Valerie turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She once again does not sing a jolly tune due to being too embarrassed, so Jakey does not bop along. As Valerie bathes, an angry spirit rises from the ground below. "I UNLIVE ONCE MORE!!!" "oh um hello there" The spirit scowls. "jakey" "yes?" "do you not remember who i am?! you killed me!!!" "that doesn't narrow it down as much as you'd hoped" "i am the angry spirit of canada's gravedigger, jasmine fontaine!!!" "oh, right, the crazy girl; the one who was so far beyond the usual brand of crazy that i simply got fed up with it" "me, crazy?! ME, CRAZY?! your little girlfriend there-" "woah woah i am not in a romantic entanglement with anyone; the goddesses have money riding on this, so i'd thank you not to spread misinformation" "whatever; that woman you're protecting has CROSSED THE LINE!!!" "what line?" "i was exorcised, but even the holy light of the lord cannot keep my anger from rising at the sight of a MASS GRAVE!!!" "right, you were really hung up on grave personalisation" "h-hung up?! no matter; tell me: what has become of the graveyard in my absence?" "i don't know" "YOU DON'T KNOW?!" "there's probably a big pile of corpses or something due to the fact that we never replaced you" Jasmine's anger boils over. Where once was a disgruntled ghost, there is now a full-fledged wight. "oh great; i've angered her so much that she's become an unkillable spirit of vengeance" "i am going to destroy all you hold dear, just as you did to me" "yeah uh can i have a last request? one phonecall?" "fine, one phonecall" Jakey calls up the recently-elected queen of the gods, Nyx. "hey uh nyx? you know that purification thing you can do? can i get a favour?" "i'll be right over" Nyx teleports to Jakey's location. "this the one?" "yeah" Nyx places her hand on Jasmine's forehead, returning her to human form. "thanks nyx" "please don't make this a regular thing; i don't want to have to come every time one of your little friends dies or whatever" "i'll try to avoid it" "thanks" Nyx teleports off. "so, jasmine, how would you like your old job back? you've got a massive backlog waiting for you" "it's a start" "i have conditions however" "conditions?!" "firstly: no more diamond tombstones; they are too expensive" "fine" "second: you are banned from ever leaving canada" "fine" "third: you cannot enter the castle grounds" "fine" Jakey slaps an ankle monitor onto Jasmine. "you have an hour to get to canada before that ankle monitor explodes" "uh bye" Jasmine zips off just as Valerie exits the bath. "wh-what h-happened out h-here? i-i-i-i h-heard a r-ruckus" "it has been resolved; you are free to continue your mass grave scheme" "o-oh g-good" Michelle crawls her way out of the mass grave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jasmine missions]

Mission 048: The Destination [Busara]
"and welcome, tourists, to our newest destination: the deadly sulfur pits of the twilit forest; please keep all limbs inside the tour bus, at least if you value having skin" Busara stops the bus directly beside a large sulfur pit. "the dark elves come here frequently to harvest sulfur for their various dark elven contraptions and doohickeys" "the technical term is 'doodads'" "oh, we've got a special guest; who might you be, kid?" "i am sabrina sable, dark elven fontologist" "a fontologist? like, fountains?" "no, typefaces" "and that, folks, was the lamest dark elf!!! maybe the next one will be more exciting" Busara drives off, leaving Sabrina behind. "you there, what's your name?" "i am molyndre darkroot, dark elven tinkerer" "a tinkerer!!! what have you been tinkering with?" "i've been trying to invent a really big shoe" "a what." "think about it: people spend all this time racing from point A to point B just to be the first to cross the finish line, BUT WHAT IF you were already across the finish line?! your heel might be at the start line, but the toe of your shoe has already won you the race!!!" "and that, folks, was the dumbest dark elf!!! how fascinating" Busara drives off, leaving Molly behind. "you there, what's your name?" "michelle" "wait, you're a human; how do you still have skin?" "i have diplomatic immunity" "oh, that'll do it" Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sabrina Sable missions/Molly missions]

Mission 049: A Long Way Away [Amber]
"hey amber how's life" "horrible; it turns out that my luxury bus idea was already taken and they gave it a stupid french name" "we tried to tell you" "yeah yeah i need a bath badly to calm my nerves; please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'HYDROGENATED PALM KERNAL OIL'" "on it" Amber turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫well, i started out down a dirty road; started out all alone♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Ilona comes up the stairs. "hey kid; amber owes me money" "amber is currently in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "your two jobs here regularly conflict; you know that, right?" "yes, but my bubbly bath guards license is important to me; i cannot allow it to be revoked" "♫I'M LEARNING TO FLY, BUT I AIN'T GOT WINGS; COMING DOWN IS THE HARDEST THING♫" "hey doesn't it say in your little bath guard handbook thing that you are not obligated to guard a bath if the bather sings the same jolly tune twice? hasn't she already sung this one?" "no, last time she sang 'learn to fly' by foo fighters, this time she is singing 'learning to fly' by tom petty and the heartbreakers" "it's a bit redundant, isn't it?" "there's nothing in the handbook about similar song choices, only choosing the exact same song a second time" "fine, i'll wait" Jakey and Ilona wait for Amber to exit the bath. "kid, break her legs" "NO WAIT I'VE GOT THE MONEY RIGHT HERE TAKE IT TAKE IT" Amber throws the money at Ilona; every single fiver she owes, all crisp. "shame" Ilona turns and leaves. "you really should have paid that off before the bath" "hindsight" Michelle walks up and does nothing of note. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions]

Mission 050: A Stitch in Time [Azalea]
"hey azalea, how are your legs?" "what? oh, that; i just used some of my broken leg spray i brought from the future and now it's good as new" "oh good; i haven't seen you in a few years" "yeah i kind of forgot which year i left from and came back to this one, thinking it was the right one but oh well" "you've missed a lot" "i'll say; an entire hellection, then jezzie's bloody coup, and-" "jezzie did not have a bloody coup" "wait, what?" "she has been on an apology tour for the last couple years" "so lilith is still queen of hell?" "no, eleatrice is; lilith has broken off to form her own country called gomorrah" "oh dear" "oh dear?" "the time stream may be, and i'm using the technical term here, irrevocably fucked" "i don't know; it's been nice so far" "we'll see" "did your original future feature olympus resting to the west of mojavistan?" "no, olympus isn't supposed to appear until 2045" "really?" "yeah and then nike is supposed to win the olyction" "that didn't happen either; nyx won" "this is either really bad, really good, or really neutral" "i could have told you that" "well i'm sure that whatever path history takes, you will still end up dying facedown in a ditch after your controversial law prohibiting people from putting english muffins in the toaster" "THAT'S CONTROVERSIAL?! that's just common sense!!! english muffins go in the OVEN!!!" "you always say that; in fact, it's your dying words" "when is this supposed to happen?" "um let's see here; you marry sabrina sable in 2027" "didn't happen" "then you become king and enact the law around september third, 2028" "also didn't happen" "oh, lucky; maybe it'll happen next year then" "it's possible i guess" "oh maybe this is one of the timelines where michelle dies a horrible death and you go to avenge her and end up destroying half the world; my aunt had to go back and prevent one of those futures" "um send her a cookie basket from me" "oh i already have; or already will in the future, which has happened for me but not for you, or perhaps this is one of the timelines where i forget to do that" "just go do it now" "oh, good idea; you don't always have that one" Azalea goes off to send her aunt a cookie basket. This is the timeline where she sends chocolate chip cookies, rather than forgetting that her aunt has a peanut butter allergy and sending her peanut butter cookies, which kill her and doom the world to a future where peanut butter is banned worldwide, and all peanut farmers are rounded up and executed. This is also the timeline where Michelle asks Jakey to take her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Nike missions]