A Thing of the Past: Middle Ages (1313)

Mission 001: Unbeknownst [King Bran]
"hey jakey i heard the news; i'm really sorry" "thanks for your concern; yeah, it was touch and go for a while there, but i think i'm over my second place finish at the annual grammar rodeo and will not be committing ritualistic suicide in shame" "um that's good but that's not the news i was referring to" "oh, is this about how doug's dougnuts closed last week? i could certainly go for a good dougnut" "jakey, have YOU not heard the life-changing news that mainly affects you and only you?" "come on, kb, if there were news like that, my retainers would have told me about it before it came as far as alabama, certainly" "so you're aware that your father, the king jakey, has died?" "what." "strange that you'd be the last to know, but there it is" "oh shit oh fuck i'm only 23; i can't be king yet!!! there's still so much i wanted to do!!!" "well do it quickly because very soon from now you'll have your ass permanently grafted to a velvet throne" "i abdicate" "you ABDICATE? no way dude; the contract of kingship, dictated by king bran the first and duke jakey the first of pangea states that no jakey may abdicate his throne, and any who states such an intention is to be strapped to the leg of a triceratops for a fortnight" "seriously?" "yeah and since triceratopses are extinct and i don't know what a fortnight is, i'll let you off with a warning" "gee thanks" Just then, Jakey's top retainer, Grace, leaps down from the ceiling. "MILORD I HAVE DIRE NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!!!" "you're a bit late; kb already told me my father is dead" "what? i thought you knew that already; no, the dire news is that princess michelle demands to be taken home" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kinging missions]

Mission 002: Hospitality [Kinging]
"okay so this is a simple task milord: just sit on your throne, accept the gifts, and thank the people who bring them" "i can do that; i've been practicing gift-receiving all my life" The procession of throne-warming gifts marches through the castle without incident until the diplomat from Goo Zealand arrives. "hello king jakey; slime goosan, diplomat from the gooreat nation of goo zealand" "grace why is she talking funny" "that's the goo zealand accent milord" "ahem" "oh right hello goosan" "slime honoured goo give goo goo this gift from the royal coffers of goo zealand" Goosan bows and holds out a slimy scepter. Jakey looks at it with disgust. "i don't actually have to touch that gross slimy rod do i" "milord-" "goo dare goo reject goor fine gift?!" "yes, i reject it on the grounds that it is covered in gross goo" "MILORD THAT IS A GRAVE INSULT-" "FURTHER, you slime 'people' are a disgusting race and i want nothing further to do with you" "well that is simply goo bad; i goose my diplomatic powers goo declare WAR between goo zealand and canada!!!" "whatever; call the royal maid to clean up this mess" Noriko drops from the ceiling and cleans up Goosan's person, causing her to beat a hasty retreat so as to not be scrubbed to nothingness. Michelle approches the throne next. "my gift is allowing you to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: The Tides of War [Kinging]
"milord, the queen of hell is here to see you" "oh hi" "hi!!! my name is jezebel, but you can call me jezzie" "what brings you here jezzie" "i've heard about the war between canada and goo zealand and i'd like to see what your process is to fight them" "canada has alliances with alabama AND mojavistan; the slimes would have to march straight through our allies so they're never going to make it here in the first place" "oh good point" Jezzie snaps her fingers. "what was that" "i used my demonic magick to move goo zealand to just to the south of canada so they have a direct path to attack" "WHAT. why would you do that?!" "i don't know, seemed like it'd be funny" "goo zealand can't just stay there forever; they're gross and weird" "don't worry; i'll move the loser to where goo zealand used to be" "what. you can't just alter geography like that" "pretty sure i just did" "the contract of kingship, dictated by king bran the first and duke jakey the first of pangea states that the jakey dynasty will rule the NORTHERN half of the split continent" "then you'd simply have to swap countries" "we can't just swap countries; it would uproot both societies and cause a massive hullabaloo!!!" "better win this war then hon" Jezzie gives a cheeky wave as she saunters off. "grace, schedule me more appointments with demonesses" "right away milord; should i postpone your appointment with princess michelle?" "no, send her in" Michelle saunters in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: A Necessary Evil [Kinging]
"milord, the demoness of fire is here to see you" "oh hello miss lilith; i'm a big fan of your work" "oh thanks; fire is pretty great" "it's a timeless element; i can't imagine a world where the servants don't light the candles every night" "i know right? and it's also useful for other things" "such as?" "see that goo zealand assassin over there?" "um no?" "observe" Lilith launches a fireball at one of royal entourage. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY GOORPOSE REMAINS UNGOOLFILLED!!!" The slime melts to nothing, and everyone in the throne room claps and throws roses at Lilith. "miss lilith, how would you like to join my knightly order and kill any slimes who would dare to enter these premises" "i love killing!!! i accept; it should be good for a laugh" Jakey does the thing with the sword and Lilith is made into a knight of the realm, Lady Lilith. "i bet the slimes don't have an all-powerful demoness on their side" "eh i wouldn't count on that; demonesses love fighting in wars, especially against eachother" "well i'd better get recruiting then" "i'm going to go and kill that slime that infiltrated the barracks" "godspeed" Michelle walks up and scoops up all the roses. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: An Unnecessary Evil [Kinging]
"milord, the demoness of um licking? is here to see you?" "licking? seriously?" "no i'm eleatrice, the demoness of electricity" "never heard of it" "like lightning bolts" "oh okay those are dangerous; why didn't you just say you're the demoness of lightning" "because that's selling myself short; in the future, those candles you light painstakingly every night? gone and replaced with this little beauty" Eleatrice holds up a small glass bulb, which lights up in her hand. "what's that" "using the power of electricity, you can put these in your castle, and light up the whole thing with the flick of a switch" "and how do we acquire this 'elicktrickitty'" "you buy it from me for a subscription fee each month" "that's not a very good deal; lilith lets us use her demonic element any time we wish to light candles, but we'd need to wholly rely on you to use these lighted bulbs" "lilith only lets you light fires any time you wish because she likes it when people light themselves on fire" "you are simply jealous that you drew the short straw of demoness themes" "give it a few hundred years; everyone will be using these lightbulbs" "doubt it" "well i doubt that i'll be joining your knightly order now" "and i doubt that i'd even want you in it" "fine" "fine" Eleatrice warps out of the castle, then returns shortly with Michelle, who was raiding her fridge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: A New World Order [Kinging]
"milord, the demoness of ice is here to see you" "oh hello miss icelia; i've heard so much about you" "of course; icelia is famous the world around" "indeed; i'd like to ask you to join my knightly order and freeze out those slimes" "icelia's help is very valuable, little king" "yes, we have a generous benefits package; just ask lilith-" "oh~hohohohohohohoho~!!! icelia is far more valuable than a mere lilith!!! a mere benefits package will not be able to sway icelia!!!" "then what do you want" "the only thing the little king has that is worthy of icelia is his throne" "i am legally not allowed to abdicate" "do not worry, little king; icelia is more than capable of a hostile takeover" "security" Lilith launches a fireball at Icelia, melting her. "really? one fireball?" "well icelia has a severe weakness to fire" "so that eleatrice girl wouldn't have been able to do that?" "of course not" "i hope the next demoness we meet is sane" "i wouldn't count on it" Michelle walks in and steps into the puddle of Icelia. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: When'd That Happen [Kinging]
"milord, the slimes are attacking the port" "how are our men holding up" "they're disgusted by the invaders and refuse to get near them" "what about the longbowmen" "their arrows simply become enveloped in the slimes' gooey bodies, which, according to reports, is 'totally gross'" "damn; we need a better long-range strategy" "and that is where i come in" A demoness saunters into the throne room. "milord, this is the demoness of wind, wynne" "okay you old windbag show me what you've got" "i choose to take that as a compliment" Jakey peers out the window at the port, and Wynne summons a galeforce wind straight downward, splattering the invading slimes all over. The men cheer, but the cheering quickly subsides when they are splattered by goo. "the men appear to be vomiting" "wynne, i am impressed but the men are depressed; could you next time like just blow them into the ocean so the salt water disintegrates them" "i suppose if you want me to be lame about it, i could" "thanks, you're a peach" Jakey deputises Wynne as the commander of his army for the duration of the war. Michelle deputises Jakey as her personal chauffer. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: The Royal Coffers [Kinging]
"milord, we have captured the notorious thief siobhan hood" "that's 'bonnie masterson'" "you don't look much like a bonnie; you're a total sioby" Siobhan grumbles under her breath. "so what's your story sioby; what did you do to end up here" "i steal stuff and then leave my calling card" Siobhan hands Jakey one of her calling cards. "'your coins have been pilfered by the one and only bonnie masterson'; people would never believe that a bonnie wrote this when it's clearly written in the handwriting of a sioby" "seriously? even my handwriting is sioby-esque?" "so what do you typically steal" "i steal golden coins from the poor and drop them into the royal treasury" "so you're just collecting taxes?" "i suppose you could look at it that way" "fine; i'll hire you as an official tax collector" Jakey pins a nametag onto Siobhan's chest, which identifies her as an official tax collector for the Canadian monarchy, and states that her name is Sioby. "can i get one that says bonnie instead" "why? you got a friend named bonnie?" "what would i have to do to become a bonnie in your eyes?" "funny you should mention eyes, because yours are the absolute siobiest eyes i've ever seen" "how do i fix that" "i've got a dagger here" "um no thanks" Siobhan heads off to collect taxes for the war effort. Michelle comes in and drops a total load of golden coins at the foot of the throne. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Haute Couture [Kinging]
"milord, the latest fashions for our army have arrived" "let's see them" Grace motions for the armour models to saunter in, followed by their deigner, Alison LaCroix. "first up for frontline combat, we have this rather dashing plate and chainmail ensemble from the head designer at lacroix fashions" "which is you" "yes; in addition to the mails, this haute outfit also has crushèd velvet trim and interior for maximum comfort and style" "nice, but what about the scout troop" "for scouts, we have this leather chest with silken sleeves and short pants, complimented with this stylish feather boa and leather cap with peacock feather" "you had me at 'feather boa'" "and for the field medics, what better than this vivacious snakeskin coat and inflammable silken long pants" "the more inflammable the better" "indeed; finally, for the king when he makes his entrance at the last second to demand surrender and/or mass executions, this golden armour made entirely out of chocolate" "huh?" "this is so his majesty has a stylish entrance, but also a delicious snack on the return trip" "you are a genius miss lacroix" "yes" Michelle saunters in, wearing the latest princessly fashions. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Weak at the Knees [Kinging]
"milord, the slimes wish to surrender" "what? why" "our army's new fashions have them intimidated; one slime caught a glimpse of one of our scouts in her feather boa and passed out from shock" "i'm glad everything went well; allow me to ride out wearing my chocolate breastplate and try not to eat it before i get there" Jakey leaves the throne room for the first time since becoming king, and rides up to the king of Goo Zealand, King Gooregoory. "king jakey slime here goo goorrender and issgoo a formal apolgoogy for even starting this goopeless war; what are goor terms" "leave canada and never come back; also, if we invent some kind of box where you can watch recordings of people, you slimes must never record yourselves so my descendants will not have go gaze upon your gross forms" "fair enough" King Gooregoory places his slimy handprint on the surrender contract, and is warped away magically, as per Jezzie's word. "i'm glad that's over" "any other wars you'd like to start?" "maybe later" Michelle comes up and hands Jakey a take me home contract. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Here It Goes Again [Kinging]
"milord, now that the war is over, we can open up to more diplomatic visits from the other races" "nice; who's up first" "representing the zombies is thombus" "brains" "zombies? they don't count as a real race; all they do is shuffle about and try to eat brains, doing a woeful job at it; they're more akin to animals" "brains?! brains brains brains brains!!!" "what are you going to do about it, zombo? shuffle toward me? don't make me laugh" Jakey beheads Thombus with a swift slice. "MILORD WHAT THE FUCK!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!! THOMBUS HAD TENURE!!!" "uh-oh" All of a sudden, a horde of zombies bumrushes the castle. "aw shit, here we go again" Michelle carves her way through the horde of zombies. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]