Anything (2007)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'John McCain 2008' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff from your 'Nothing' save file/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: The Longest Night [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey this problem doesn't seem to be going away any time soon, and the cubic zirconia are all gone, so we've decided to give you something exactly the same as them, only with a different name" "i'm ready" "BEHOLD" Sheriff Antony removes a cloth from the table, revealing The Moissanite. "this is the moissanite; it will protect you from all harm for an indeterminate amount of time" "sweet" Jakey grabs The Moissanite and takes a big bite out of it. "eugh it tastes like soap" "well you've got to eat all of it because it's actually highly toxic to the touch and the only antidote to the toxin is introduced into your body by eating it" "the shit i do for partial immortality" Jakey continues to gnaw on The Moissanite until it is all gone. "at least it seems to have whitened your teeth" Sheriff Antony looks into the reflection from Jakey's teeth and sees Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Moissanite]

Mission 002: Long Arm of the Law [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey one of your fellow students is refusing to go to class; find him and MAKE him go to class BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY" "got it chief" Jakey hops aboard his tricycle and puts on his siren. "citizen get back to class" "you can't make me faggot" Professor Eif flicks a lit cigarette at Jakey. "we will see who the faggot is once this is all over" Jakey heads to the school's garage and affixes a plow blade to his tricycle, then rams straight into Professor Eif at full speed, shoving him straight down the hallway toward his classroom. "NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I HAVE RIGHTS" "not in here you don't" Professor Eif grabs hold of the doorframe while Jakey pushes him into the room. Professor Eif's fingers slip, and he flies straight into his seat. "oh professor eif how nice of you to join us here today" "fuck off" Professor Eif flicks a lit cigarette at the teacher, lighting her on fire. "OH GOD IT BURNS" The teacher leaps out the window and rushes for the school swimming pool, diving in with a thunderous cannonball dive. Most of the judges rate her dive a perfect 10, but the French judge only gives it a 4. She is then rushed to the hospital for severe second-degree burns. "well now we need to find a substitute teacher; i hope you are happy" "a little" Michelle passes a note along the line of students to Jakey. It reads "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Substitute Teacher missions]

Mission 003: T-T-Teacher Stop That Screaming [Substitute Teacher]
"all right class i'm your substitute teacher today; you can call me ms everhart" "uh ms everhart why is it so dark in here" "yeah can i like open the shades" "NO you absolutely MAY NOT open the shades" The class squirms in their seats, aside from Jakey, who knows what's up. "wh-why not" "i uh have glaucoma" "just like our lord and saviour bono" Bonofan19 closes his eyes, palms together and fingers pointed upward, and bows at Gwendolyn. "uh right" Gwendolyn walks to the blackboard. "okay so here's the deal; you kids don't want to learn anything and i don't want to teach it to you, and so it is with a heavy heart that i will put on this video for you to ignore and talk amongst yourselves" Gwendolyn pops the dusty VHS tape into the equally dusty VCR and presses play, beginning a movie everyone recognises as The Lion King, only in a language they don't understand. Jakey intently tries to understand what the characters are saying, but his concentration is broken when a crumpled up piece of paper is thrown at his head. He uncrumples the paper to see that it is a note from Michelle saying "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 004: Don't Wanna be No Uptown Fool [Substitute Teacher]
"all right children i'm the substitute today; the famous magician the great cheryl" "uh shouldn't we be calling you ms then whatever your last name is" "you don't need to know my last name; just call me the great cheryl" "just like our lord and saviour bono" Bonofan27 closes his eyes, palms together and fingers pointed upward, and bows at The Great Cheryl. "yeah like that kid said, just like benny" Bonofan27 is taken aback, but regains his composure, as The Great Cheryl's ignorance is not her fault. She will learn, one day. They will all learn. "anyway my agent booked this gig telling me it was a magic show but i get here and it's actually a substitute teaching gig?" "so uh are you going to teach us how to do magic" The Great Cheryl glares at the student who dared to have such audacity as to ask the one thing you should never ask a magician. She reaches into her magical hat and pulls out a bar of soap. "wash those dirty words out of your mouth this instant" The Great Cheryl shoves the bar of soap into the student's mouth and returns to the front of the room, staring at the class in silence. The class does not move a muscle, not wanting to invoke The Great Cheryl's wrath. The bell rings, and as one, all but two of the students race out of the room, getting jammed in the door. Michelle taps Jakey on the shoulder. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 005: Maybe I Should Go to Hell, but Then I'm Doing Well [Substitute Teacher]
The students all take their seats in class before the bell rings, hoping The Great Cheryl will not be the substitute again, as they cannot think of a substitute who could possibly be worse. As the bell rings, fire and brimstone erupts from the floor, calling forth Satan himself. Dark demons spew forth from the newly-opened mouth of Hell, and the students all rush to the back of the room, except for two. Jakey remains seated, as he is too young and foolish to fear death. Professor Eif also remains seated, as he welcomes death with open arms. Even the normally calm Bonofan35 is in the back of the room, cowering, as he has not finished his work in the name of his Lord Bono. "hey kids" "hey satan what's up" "oh nothing much; just about to teach you kids some good shit" Satan looks to the back of the room. "well come on; take your seats we've got much to do and not much time to do it in" "I DON'T WANT TO DIE" "what an odd thing to say" "i don't think any of us right here want to die" "I DO SATAN" Professor Eif stands up. "TAKE MY SOUL TO HELL WHERE IT BELONGS" "uh-" "COME ON FAGGOT TAKE MY SOUL, AS YOU DO" "okay what have they been saying about me in this country" Professor Eif stands on the scorched floor tiles. "TAKE ME TO HELL" "uh okay dude" Satan opens a portal in the floor to Hell. "anyone else want in" The class stares on in stunned silence. "i'll take that as a no" Satan closes the portal as the bell rings and the entire class sprints into the hall. "homework is chapters five and six don't forget it" Michelle hucks a textbook at Jakey's head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Professor Eif missions/Satan missions]

Mission 006: Times Have Changed and Times are Strange [Gwendolyn]
"uh hey gwendolyn i uh well homecoming is uh coming and i uh was wondering if well you would um like to um go w-with me" "i don't get it; we are already at my home" "n-no no no it's a um school dance they have uh every year" "oh well uh are you sure they'd let me in i mean i'm old enough to be your great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandmother" "you may be 500+ years old but you don't look a day over 25" "fair enough" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and Gwendolyn hops into the basket, and they ride down to the school. "yo sheriff antony i'm here with my date" "go on in" Jakey and Gwendolyn walk over to the punch bowl. "uh-oh someone has spiked the punch" "WHAT" Sheriff Antony races over to the scene. "being the responsible adult here, i will do the responsible thing" Sheriff Antony grabs the punch bowl and proceeds to chug its contents. "saved the day, once again" Sheriff Antony hiccups as he waddles away from the punch bowl, his liver struggling to survive the blows from the toxins that have invaded his body. "that man is my hero" "i remember when i was a little girl, sheriff antony got my cat, ashford neville everhart the first, down from a tree and gave him a deep-tissue massage" "is there anything that man can't do" "i hope i never have to find out" Michelle drunkenly wanders onto the dancefloor and stuns everyone with her dance moves. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 007: Here I Come, but I Ain't the Same [Gwendolyn]
"gwendolyn you will never guess what i found" "a water park that is open at night?" "..." "..." "how-" "intuition" "but-" "come on let's go i am ready to get wet + wild (not necessarily in that order)" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop onto Jakey's tricycle and they ride to the water park. "okay let me change into my swimsuit" "i should probably do that as well" Jakey and Gwendolyn head into separate dressing rooms and put on their swimsuits; Jakey in some nice blue trunks and Gwendolyn in a frilly black and white two-piece. "just because i'm going to be wet doesn't mean i can't keep up my character design theme" "oh i'm not going to stop you" Jakey and Gwendolyn head to the top of the biggest waterslide, where they see a small group holding some kind of ceremony. "we would like to induct the newest member of our order, bonofan79" "hello hello" "hello bonofan79" "it's a beautiful day" Bonofan01 nods. "don't let it get away" The mass of Bonofans, 01 through 79, then leap into the waterslide and slide to the bottom. Jakey shrugs and he and Gwendolyn follow them down. When they get to the bottom, the Bonofans have already made their way back to the top. "as our lord bono said, 'when i get to the bottom, i go back to the top of the slide'" "THAT WAS THE BEATLES" The Bonofans shoot Jakey an icy look. Bonofan03 presses play on a tape recorder, playing U2's cover of Helter Skelter. "YOU CAN'T ATTRIBUTE A QUOTE TO SOMEONE THAT JUST REPEATED IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE" "as our lord bono said, 'one love, one blood, one life'" "THEN HE SAID 'BUT WE'RE NOT THE SAME'" "!" The Bonofans begin to circle Jakey. "you know a lot young one" "jakey let's get out of here these guys creep me out" "you go first i'll be right behind you" Gwendolyn nods and dives deep below the water, surfacing like a whale breeching, landing on her feet, and sliding back to the changing room. "join us in the dusk of our lord bono" "i uh think i'll pass" "fair enough" The Bonofans go back to their waterslide. "that was easy" Michelle slides down the waterslide, landing directly on top of Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/water park jacket]

Mission 008: I Never Did Believe in the Ways of Magic, but I'm Beginning to Wonder Why [The Great Cheryl]
"oh hey kid i'm glad you're here; i'm trying out a new magic trick and i need to test it out on a live audience take a seat" Jakey takes a seat in the front row, ecstatic that he is about to get a live demonstration of some of The Great Cheryl's world-famous magic tricks. The Great Cheryl reaches down into the depths of her top hat and pulls Jakey out of it. "WHAT" The Great Cheryl drops Jakey back into the hat, plopping him back down into his seat. Jakey is tunned for a second, but regains composure and begins to clap loudly. "thank you thank you thank you" The Great Cheryl bows cutely and leaves the stage. Jakey looks side-to-side and tip-toes up to the stage, where The Great Cheryl left her magic hat. Jakey reaches into the hat and pulls out Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/magic hat jacket]

Mission 009: Bright Light City Gonna Set My Soul; Gonna Set My Soul on Fire [The Great Cheryl]
"okay so jared-" "jakey" "whatever - so jerry i've got a plan but i need help" The Great Cheryl lays out a map of Mojavistan's capital, Las Vegas. "so i'm set to perform a show in this casino - gamblez Я us - and while i am distracting the masses with my magic i need you to take this bag and put all the money into it" "it's the perfect crime" "let's roll" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and The Great Cheryl hops into the sidecar and the two head off for Las Vegas. The Great Cheryl takes her place onstage and begins her greatest trick. "Holy Fuck Do You See That" "She Is Pulling A Rabbit Out Of A Hat!!!" "Rabbits Don't Live In Hats!!!" The entire casino floods over to the stage as more and more rabbits exit The Great Cheryl's hat. Jakey sneaks over to the blackjack table. "aren't you a bit young to be in a casino" "no i am totally the age which i must be to legally gamble""and what age is that" "18?" "21" "oh that's what i meant "fair enough" Jakey puts all his chips down on his first deal. Taylor deals Jakey a pair of cards, chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. Jakey keeps both hands above the table as The Great Cheryl winks in his direction, changing his facedown card. "blackjack" "WHAT" Jakey flips his facedown card, revealing an ace to go with the king that was face-up. "goddammit you cleaned me out" Taylor puts all the money into Jakey's bag. "thank you muchly" Jakey nods toward the stage, and The Great Cheryl wraps up her act and joins him at the tricycle. "how much we get" "i've got about four million here" "nice all i got was fifty roses, some nasty cuts because of the roses, and uh this thing" The Great Cheryl holds up Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$2,000,000/vague relationship with The Great Cheryl]

Mission 010: Ticking Away the Moments That Make Up a Dull Day [Professor Eif]
"no one appreciates me so i'm running away WAY AWAY to the distant future where my contributions will be recognised" "i see no flaws with this plan" Professor Eif opens a portal to the distant year of 20XX, and he and Jakey hop in. "oh neo doctor eif there you are; we have to start the operation immediately" "wait what" Kathy 20XX shoves Professor Eif into the neo operating room, while he frantically tries to explain that he is not Neo Doctor Eif. "you do this every fucking time get a new joke" Kathy 20XX slams the neo door and locks Professor Eif in with his patient. "so, jakey 20XX what can i do for you" "uh-" "please don't start i've had a rough day" "uh you uh look really nice today kathy" "don't get fresh with me jakey 20XX; call me by my actual name and not some pet name you've come up with" "..." "..." "s-sorry uh kathy 20XX" "that's better" Kathy 20XX puts her feet up on the neo desk and begins to file her nails. "i'll uh just be going" "you do that" Jakey exits the neo doctor's office and runs into Sheriff Antony. "JAKEY?!" "don't you mean 'jakey 20XX'" Sheriff Antony shakes his head. "listen i never forget a jakey; you're not jakey 20XX" "i don't know whether to be flattered or creeped out" "can't it be both?" "i don't see why not" "either way, just know that you were a much better jakey than jakey 20XX" "do i need to talk some sense into that boy" Jakey cracks his knuckles and takes off his belt, causing his pants to fall down. "oh right THAT'S why i wear a belt" "that won't be necessary, he's easily in my bottom five jakeys right now, but i've got a feeling he'll wise up" Michelle waddles up to Jakey, a pair of pants around her ankles (especially odd, considering she's still wearing her usual skirt). "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey 20XX outfit]

Mission 011: The Weather Outside is Frightful, but the Fire is so Delightful [Satan]
"jakey i feel like my reputation outside of hell is poor, to say the least" "what? no everyone loves satan i mean pffffft" "well either way i have created several fliers telling people that i'm an okay guy really and i'd appreciate it if you would distribute them" "on it right away" Jakey salutes Satan and jogs out the door with a stack of fliers, dropping them in the basket of his tricycle. Jakey thinks long and hard about who would appreciate Satan the way Satan would like to be appreciated. A name appears in Jakey's head, and he pedals off. "yo scraps my dog you heard of this satan guy" Scraps barks happily. "i bet you would appreciate the shit out of this fuck" Jakey places one of Satan's fliers at Scraps's feet, which Scraps eyes interestedly. "mission accomplished" Jakey throws the rest of the fliers in the corner of the room and hops onto the couch, landing on Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stack of Satan's fliers appears at safehouses]

Mission 012: I Walk Right Through the Door [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey it's horrible" A single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's face. "someone has stolen my favourite hat" "aren't you wearing your favourite hat" "jakey i never wear my favourite hat because i don't want to get it dirty; my favourite hat stays in a display case in my walk-in safe" "o-oh that makes sense" "ANYWAY i have no leads or clues as how to solve this mystery" "MYSTERY?!" A mysterious girl falls from the ceiling wearing a propeller beanie. "HEY THAT'S MY FAVOURITE HAT" "... whoops gotta go" The girl runs off, Sheriff Antony's favourite hat falling off her head as she goes. "shouldn't we chase her" "why would we do that; we've got the hat back" Sheriff Antony places his favourite hat into the display case where it belongs. "good work jakey" Sheriff Antony tips his non-favourite hat and walks off, spurs jingling and jangling. Jakey turns to see the display case emptied again, and Michelle wearing the propeller beanie. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/propeller beanie jacket]

Mission 013: There's Room for Me, Room for You [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey the annual doug convention is taking place in alabama today, and we need to infiltrate it and arrest the infamous doug e. fresh" "it's about time someone stopped that man; i saw him getting fresh with my girlfriend the other day" "we will need an infiltration specialist; do you know anyone" "oh totally give me a minute" Jakey pulls out his phone and calls home. "yo it's me; i need our best infiltration specialist" "well uh most of our infiltration specialists are busy infiltrating chuck e. cheese to see how they can make such bland pizza, but i've got one i can send over" "he'll have to do; send him over kathy" "she'll*" "oh greeaaaaaaaaat" Jakey hangs up, and within seconds, Sheriff Antony's house is infiltrated by a young woman. "SPECIAL AGENT GRACE HARRIET SHERBORNE REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR" Grace salutes Jakey. "okay so here's the plan; we need you to infiltrate the annual doug convention and assassinate-" "arrest" "assassinate doug e. fresh" "i've prepared a disguise so you will blend right in with the rest of the dougs" Sheriff Antony hands Grace a white sweater and green vest, and Grace heads into the backroom to get changed. "all right let's go" Jakey hops onto his tricycle, and Grace hops into the sidecar while Sheriff Antony follows on his horse, and they head for the Annual Doug Convention. "all right keep in radio contact" "roger" "no, doug" Grace hops out of the sidecar and heads into the convention centre. "yo grace what's up" "kathy keep quiet i'm trying to infiltrate this convention of dougs" "well i can't let you in unless you've got a fake ID" Grace hands Kathy the fake ID Sheriff Antony had prepared. "all seems to be in order, 'doug'" Kathy waves Grace through and Grace grapples up to the upper balcony. "slick moves, doug" "thanks doug" "yo doug let's cut a rug" "i'd love to but i uh have to use the bathroom" "hurry back" Grace rushes for the ladies' room, thankful that she is the only female Doug present. Grace crawls up into the ventilation system and sets up shop with her sniper rifle overlooking the entire convention centre, where she spots Doug E. Fresh chatting with Doug Aldrich. "so then i says to him you know what i says? i says 'i didn't choose the doug life-'" A gunshot rings out, and Doug E. Fresh is shot dead where he stands. "the doug death chose you" Jakey silently curses himself, as he wishes he himself got to give that one-liner. "calm down dude it wasn't that great" "better than any one-liner i've ever given" "true" "mission accomplished; returning to base" Grace drops back into the sidecar. "uh good job agent" "my pleasure" A mob of Dougs runs screaming away from the convention centre, trampling Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Doug outfit/Special Agent Grace missions/Doug Aldrich missions]

Mission 014: Beware of Pretty Faces That You Find [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey there is a new foreign exchange student to your school named hishida yuko" "who did we exchange for her" "that girl with the emoticon in her name" "oh her right" "ANYWAY i have to make sure this foreigner will not pose a threat to you my leige" "just call me jakey like everyone else" "fine whatever; you want to come or not" "let's roll" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and Grace hops into the basket looking through a pair of binoculars. "this is giving me motion sickness" Eventually, they arrive at the home of Hishida Yuko. "okay i have created a decoy of you in order to see how she reacts when she sees it" "sounds like a plan" Grace sets up the Jakey decoy on the home's steps, rings the doorbell, and hides in a bush. "hello have we met / my name's hishida yuko / and who might you be" Grace presses a button on the remote, playing a prerecorded phrase, stitched together from lines Jakey has said in the past. "hello my name is jakey i go to your school and i wanted to introduce myself" "hello jakey-san / please do come inside the house / i hope we'll be friends" Yuko wheels the Jakey decoy into her house and shuts the door. "jakey-san? i'm more of a -kun if anything" "i think you've got to earn -kun status" Grace and Jakey crawl into Yuko's ventilation system while the Jakey decoy runs on autopilot. "well it looks like she means no harm" "she's even preparing food for me" "uh-oh i didn't program the decoy to be able to eat; you're going to have to swap places with it while she's distracted" "on it" Grace pulls up the decoy and Jakey flops into the seat it was sitting in. "i have a question / how should i prepare the eggs / how do you like them" "i like my eggs like i like my detective stories; hard-boiled" Yuko sets to boiling some eggs, cooking them while she and Jakey share small-talk. When the eggs are done, the two feast on eggs, bacon, and toast. "i can't remember the last time i had a meal that good" "i'm glad you liked it / i hope all our peers are nice / just like you, jakey" Jakey's face reddens, but he is saved by Michelle's sudden appearance. "i liked the meal too / thank you for preparing it / jakey, take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Yuko/Yuko missions]

Mission 015: I Want a Girl with a Mind Like a Diamond [Special Agent Grace]
"so i've decided that the foreign exchange student is harmless" "i have reached the same conclusion" "but now i am hungry and need sustenance" "i know just the place" Jakey and Grace hop into/onto the tricycle and ride to the finest restaurant in the GameStop district, Brucie's Vaguely Asian Cuisine. "yo brucie we'd like some vaguely asian food" "if you didn't, you'd be in the wrong place" Jakey and Grace take their seats and are soon served their food by Brucie. "oh boy i can't wait to try the cherryaki beef product on a stick" "i'm partial to the pork product-fried rice" "and who can resist the general tao's poultry product" The two dig into their meal while Michelle sits on the floor, eying the food and hoping to partake in its delights. When the meal is finished and she does not receive any, she pouts in place. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brucie's Vaguely Asian Cuisine t-shirt/vaguely Chinese writing jacket/vague relationship with Grace/Brucie missions]

Mission 016: Dark Horse Runnin' [Doug Aldrich]
"jakey it has always been my dream to own a champion race horse" "that's actually a pretty sane dream for once" "but i have severe equinophobia so i can't actually be around horses" "ah there's the catch" "i was wondering if you had some kind of technological wonder vehicle that could transform into a horse" "oh yes i'm also president of the united states" "woah calm down dude you're livid" "ANYWAY i have an idea that would work even better" Jakey produces a two-man horse costume. "..." "..." "d-did you just HAVE that" "listen you never know when you'll need a two-man horse costume" "i cannot argue with that logic" Jakey and Doug Aldrich enter the costume. "how come i have to be the butt of the horse" "dude it's your dream, you do the unpleasant part" "i guess that's fair" "anyway let's get to the start line" Jakey and Doug Aldrich waddle over to the start line. "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FALL DAY HERE IN NORTHWEST ALABAMA; WELCOME TO THE ALABAMA DERBY; I'M STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE" "AND WE'RE HERE TO BRING YOU COVERAGE OF THIS SACRED EVENT" "THAT'S RIGHT BOB; ALL OUR HORSES HAVE LINED UP AND ARE READY AND RARING TO GO" "THE ENTRANTS THIS YEAR ARE THE LEGENDARY HORSES HELLISH HANGNAIL, SOON TO BE GLUE, AND FREEDOM FRIES" "IN ADDITION, FAN FAVOURITES ORPHANAGE FIRE AND TRAFFIC ACCIDENT, AS WELL AS ROOKIE TOTALLY NOT TWO DUDES IN A HORSE COSTUME ARE PRESENT" "BUT THERE'S THE GUNSHOT AND THE RACE HAS STARTED" "UH-OH BOB IT LOOKS LIKE TOTALLY NOT TWO DUDES IN A HORSE COSTUME HAS PULLED OUT A GUN AND HAS SHOT AND KILLED EVERY OTHER HORSE IN THE RACE" "IS THERE A RULE AGAINST THAT BOB" "THERE IS NOT" "THEN I GUESS TOTALLY NOT TWO DUDES IN A HORSE COSTUME WINS THE ALABAMA DERBY" "ETERNAL GLORY WILL BELONG TO THAT HORSE" "AND THE REST ARE HEADED TO THE GLUE FACTORY" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB" The jockey, Michelle, hops off Jakey and Doug Aldrich. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/horse racing jacket]

Mission 017: Help Me if You Can, I'm Feeling Down [Yuko]
Jakey knocks on the door to Yuko's house, but gets no answer. He then pulls out his phone and calls Yuko. "jakey please come in / help me get these fuckers out / i've lost all patience" Jakey shrugs and opens the unlocked door, and is greeted by a legion of Bonofans accosting Yuko. "we are only trying to spread the good word of our lord and saviour bono" "whatever you've got / i am not buying any / please fuck off and die" "as bono once said, 'one love, one blood, one life'; we are all brothers (and sisters) in this world of ours" "won't you just fuck off / i will end your fucking life / i don't give a fuck" "that's really not nice miss" "huh; is it really? / man i never would have guessed / thanks for telling me" "no problem" "pretty sure she was being sarcastic dude" "oh it's you again" Bonofan26 hands Yuko and Jakey both pamphlets and leaves the house with the rest of his posse. "oh thank god they're gone / i was about to kill them / fucking witnesses" Yuko rips up the pamphlet in her hands. "i don't think they're witnesses; they worship that guy from u2" "it doesn't matter / we should alert the police / to those nuisances" "amen" Jakey rips up his own pamphlet, chucking the pieces into the trash can on top of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/U2 jacket/Sting missions]

Mission 018: And I do Appreciate You Being 'round [Yuko]
Jakey approaches Yuko's house, then hears a sudden loud crash. "FUCKING COCK-ASS SHIT / JESUS CHRIST MY FUCKING TOE / I HATE YOU TABLE" Jakey hesitates for a moment, then knocks on the door. "jakey i need help / i have lost my lucky cat / maneki-neko" "when did you last see it" "right when i moved here / i've been quite unlucky since / i just stubbed my toe" "yeah i could hear the profanity from here" "please find it for me / i miss it so very much / please i'm begging you" "i am on the case; i will get to the bottom of this mystery" "MYSTERY?!" A mysterious girl falls from the ceiling and immediately sets to work trying to find Yuko's maneki-neko. "uh hi who are you / and why are you in my house / please tell me these things" "can't talk solving mystery" "well uh i think she's got the household search covered; i'll look outside" Jakey heads outside the building and walks into Yuko's backyard, where he finds a group of kids loitering. "you kids do know this is private property right" "Fuck Off Authority Figure; We Are Lost And Directionless Children" "Yeah We Just Stole A Cat Statue From The Old Lady Who Lives In This House" "what compells you to do things solely to make other people sad and upset" "We Are Troubled Youths" "Word Up Robert Truckdriver" "how about this: if you give me the statue, i will allow you to join an organisation that will give you direction and reward you for being upstanding citizens" "That Sounds Dope As Fuck Yo" "Word" Robert Truckdriver 187 hands Jakey the maneki-neko, and Jakey hands each child a merit sash pre-emblazoned with a badge. "from this day forth, you are all JAKEY SCOUTS" "Yay" "Hooray" Jakey heads back inside with the maneki-neko, where the mysterious girl has torn the house apart. "found it for you ladies" "mystery solved" The girl disappears in a puff of smoke. "oh thank you so much / this is satisfactory / i am quite happy" "don't mention it" Jakey and Yuko begin to put drawers back into the cabinets and pick up all the debris, such as silverware, dishes, clothes, and Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/maneki-neko jacket/Jakey Scouts missions]

Mission 019: Fly Me to the Moon and Let Me Play Among the Stars [Brucie]
"jakey let's get going; aliens have dumped a bunch of their trash out the sides of their ship and there's probably some good shit there for the getting" "sounds logical" Jakey and Brucie hop onto the tricycle and head down to the alien trash site. "oh man who would ever throw this away" Brucie pockets a copy of Nickelback's All the Right Reasons. "oh jesus aliens came to earth and their first impression of human civilisation was fucking rockstar" A laserbeam is fired right at Jakey's feet. "OH NO IT'S JUST AS I'D FEARED; THEY'RE WIPING US OUT" "over a nickelback album?" "frankly we deserve worse" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals off as fast as he can toward the Alabama Alien Defense Centre. "KATHY ALIENS ARE ATTACKING" "sorry the boss is in a meeting it will have to wait" "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE" Jakey rushes past Kathy, heading for the weapons room. "YOU CAN'T GO BACK THERE WITHOUT PROPER AUTHORISATION" "GUYS THERE IS A UFO ATTACKING US" "sorry boss we're on break" "FUCKING UNION WORKERS" Jakey shoves one worker out of his seat and mans the missile turrets, taking aim at the UFO. Jakey fires the missiles at the UFO, destroying it and killing its operators. "phew" "dude what the fuck you can't just break through the union like that" Jakey shoots the union worker straight between the eyes. "listen i'm feeling really edgy today so please crawl back into whatever hole you came from before i kill the lot of you" The union workers back off into a corner, except for Michelle, who splashes Jakey in the face with her coffee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/UFO jacket]

Mission 020: Does Everyone Stare [Sting]
"all right jakey we need you to infiltrate this group of your fellow adolescents to see what they know" "got it" Jakey puts on a backwards cap and sunglasses, and grabs a skateboard, which he carries as one would wear a guitar. "what is up my fellow youths" "..." "..." "i said what's crack-a-lackin' my fellow young adults" "..." "..." "hear anything over the cb about a certain group of bono afficionados" "..." "please speak english" "what's the prob bob i'm only rapping with my fellow jive turkeys" "..." "please go somewhere else; you are scaring me" "what's wrong with chilling with my youthslices in the homie hallway" "..." "you know what, i did hear about the borneo guys hanging out someplace REALLY FAR AWAY" "like, the moon?" "yes go there and stop being here" "oh yeah thanks for the tip skip catch you radical homemakers on the flipside" Jakey dances off in a fashion he assumes to be 'hip' and 'youthful', then heads to the spaceport. "yo space guys i need to get to the moon" "no can do kid" "hmmm" Jakey calls Sting. "sting i've got a tip that the bonofans are on the moon but the spaceport guys won't let me go" "there is only one conclusion to make: they are in cahoots; i will take them in for questioning" "all right; that will bring us closer to solving this mystery" "MYSTERY?!" A girl falls from the sky, landing right on top of Jakey. "my bones are all broken" Michelle rides her skateboard over to Jakey and the girl, wearing sunglasses and her cap backwards. "take me home daddy-o"
[reward: respect +/youth costume/space centre jacket]

Mission 021: I Burn for You [Sting]
"jakey there are reports of a serial arsonist running around and uh arsoning" "i'll track him down chief" "oh that's an even better idea; go do that" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and heads in the direction of a giant plume of smoke. A man stands outside the window of the only apartment building on the block not on fire, holding a boombox. "Gwendolyyyyyyyyyyyn" "what the fuck dude" "I Have Lit A Fire In This City As You Have Lit A Fire In My Heart" "listen the unique approach to courtship you have taken is not lost on me, but i don't think this was a good direction" "Wh-Why Not" "well we can't very well have a courtship if you're in jail for arson can we" "..." "..." "Oh Shit" Robert Truckdriver 14 hurriedly grabs some buckets of water and begins to hopelessly splash the buildings with them. "yo gwendolyn do you know anything about these fires" "that guy did it" "but he's putting the fires out" "he realised the error of his ways" "well that's good" Jakey walks over to grab some more buckets of water and helps Robert Truckdriver 14 douse the fires. "i hope you've learned a very valuable lesson young man" "I'm Older Than You" "i guess not" Jakey slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Robert Truckdriver 14 and throws him into the basket of his tricycle. "Why Can't I Ride In The Sidecar" "it's reserved" Michelle exits a formerly burning apartment building covered in soot and hops into the sidecar. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fire jacket/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 022: Hole in My Life [Sting]
"jakey we have recently arrested the owner of the alabama national supermarket but we need to be able to get our groceries so we've decided to put you in charge of the supermarket until we find a suitable replacement" "oh boy i have always wanted to run a supermarket" "get to it" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and heads down to the Alabama National Supermarket. "I NOW DECLARE THIS SUPERMARKET OPEN" Mobs of shoppers rush and trample Jakey to the ground. "ow ow ow fuck ow shit fuck" Jakey twitches on the ground for a bit, then scrapes himself off the pavement. Jakey sneaks into the cart storage room and grabs the last cart left. "ahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Jakey begins to run and leaps onto the cart, riding it forward. "wait... oh no" Jakey recoils in horror as he realises he got the cart with the squeaky wheel. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Jakey falls to his knees, defeated, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "there's only one thing i can do" Jakey pulls out his gun and inserts it into his mouth. Jakey hesitates for a moment, then pulls the trigger. His brains fly straight out the back of his head, then straight back in. "... oh" Jakey pulls the gun out of his mouth. "right" Michelle grabs the cart Jakey had left behind, but then notices the squeaky wheel and falls to her knees crying. Jakey walks over to comfort her. "it's not fair jakey why must there be such evil in this world" A single tear streams down Michelle's cheek. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alabama National Supermarket t-shirt]

Mission 023: Dead End Job [Sting]
"jakey there are reports of a person being trapped inside of their place of business" "sounds serious" "you should definitely check it out" "on it chief" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and heads down to Crazy Svart's Used Haunted Storefronts. "help i am trapped inside my own storefront" "do not worry citizen, i am here to save you" "nice" Jakey attempts to pry open the storefront's shutter with his bare hands, but fails. "if it were that easy i'd have been out of here hours ago" "yeah yeah whatever dude" Jakey attaches a winch to his tricycle and to the shutter, then hops onto the tricycle and pedals with all his might. "maybe if you used a motorised vehicle you'd have more success" "i guess i'll have to do this the hard way" Jakey pulls out his phone and calls for backup. "i got here as soon as i could jakey" "all right candice i need you to demolish this storefront without killing the man trapped inside" "ooh a challenge; i'm game" Candice climbs up onto the roof of the storefront, but is quickly bucked off. "charming" Candice grabs her tape measure and swings it around like a lasso, looping it around the storefront and pulling it tight. She then climbs back on top of the storefront and cuts a hole in the top with her cutting torch. "freedom!!!" Crazy Svart grabs Candice's hand and climbs out of the storefront. "all right stand back; it's time for the fun part" Candice climbs into her wrecking ball and demolishes the shit out of that fuck. Michelle crawls out of the rubble. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 024: All the School Kids so Sick of Books [Jakey Scouts]
"all right scouts it's time for you to earn your 'explored an ancient mojavistanian pyramid' merit badge" "Isn't That A Bit Difficult For A First Badge" "go big or go home i always say" Jakey and the Scouts hop onto Jakey's tricycle, filling up the basket and sidecar, then they head off to Mojavistan. "this looks like a good pyramid full of ancient secrets and treasures" "And Mummies Probably" "i could always use a good bedtime story; come on scouts" Jakey waves the scouts into the pyramid, and they are greeted by a bunch of mummies playing poker. "yo what's the buy-in friends" The mummies turn and slowly march toward Jakey and the scouts. "Aaaaaaaa" The scouts run out of the pyramid and hide in the tricycle. "well that was good enough for your 'ran away like PUSSIES' badge" Jakey sighs and leaps into the crowd of mummies headfirst like a missile, misfiring and taking them all out. "all right scouts it's safe to come in now" "I'd Rather Not" Jakey sighs again and turns to leave, when a chunk of Mojavistanian heiroglyphics catches his eye. "i-i can read this chunk" Taken aback for a second, Jakey studies the script. "it's... an ice cream recipe?" Jakey jots down the recipe for death by vanilla ice cream and runs out of the pyramid, where Michelle is waiting on her motorcycle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/heiroglyphics jacket/Business Start-Up missions]