Anything (2007)

Mission 025: I Want to Rock and Roll All Night [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i did it; i was the 183rd caller on KSTS - the shitshow - and got two tickets to see some band i've never heard of!!!" "oh boy i love some band i've never heard of" "especially their hit single, that one song that goes 'doot doot doot doooo'" "when's the show" Gwendolyn looks at her watch. "five minutes from now" "let's roll" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop onto the tricycle and head off for the King Brandome, where Some Band I've Never Heard Of is playing. King Bran himself is in attendance, in the balcony seat. Jakey and Gwendolyn take their front row seats to watch the show. "ARE YOU READY TO SWAY BACK AND FORTH RHYTHMICALLY" "sure" "THEN GIVE IT UP FOR SOME BAND I'VE NEVER HEARD OF" Some Band I've Never Heard Of takes the stage and begins with an album track called Some Song I've Never Heard Of. They are, of course, just getting the audience excited for their second song, That One Song That Goes 'Doot Doot Doot Doooo'. As the sounds of their biggest hit die down, the band begins to play a fan favourite, That One Song; You Know The One. Of course, having seen what she'd come for, Michelle taps Jakey on the shoulder. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Some Band I've Never Heard Of t-shirt/King Bran missions]

Mission 026: I May Not Have a Lot to Give, but What I Got, I'll Give to You [Crazy Svart]
"yo crazy svart i'm here to do a meaningless task in order to tick one more box on my way to the pointless end goal" "you're in luck; have i got a task for you - soldiers have kidnapped one of my customers and are holding her out back" "oh i've got this" Jakey pumps his shotgun with one hand, but Crazy Svart shakes his head. "their armour is made of pure nintendium; your bullets will never pierce it" "this must be some seriously important job then" "the soldiers were talking about a jon bon jovi or something" "oh god please no" Jakey sneaks out the backdoor and hides behind some junk. "it's a beautiful day" "don't let it get away" Bonofan13 and Bonofan16 nod to eachother and step away from the cage doors, revealing the cage's occupant. "oh god; they've got claire" Jakey thinks for a moment. "wait how have they got claire" Jakey sneaks around the backyard and gets to Claire's cage. "psst claire" "JAKEY you came for me" "uh yeah but how did they capture you" "they held a gun to my head and marched me into this cage" "but how do they STILL have you if you're a ghost and can just like phase through the cage" "..." "..." Claire phases through the back of the cage out into the open street. "god i feel so stupid" "we all have days like that" Michelle drags a mug across the bars of her own cage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 027: Seen the Home Inside Your Head [Construction Candice]
"jakey let's go get WASTED" "but i am a young innocent chillun of 17 i am not old enough to partake in the aforementioned wasting" "it's okay; i got you a fake id" "oh very well then" Jakey and Candice hop onto Jakey's tricycle and pedal off for Libationz Я Us, where Kathy guards the door. "fake id please" Jakey hands Kathy his fake ID. "this is just convincing enough to get you in, hans" Kathy ushers Jakey and Candice inside, where Taylor stands at the bar chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "i'll have a fruity girly drink, which is socially acceptable because i am a girl" "i will also have a fruity girly drink, which is socially unacceptable but i will fight anyone who calls me out on it" "coming right up" Taylor pours a couple of fruity girly drinks for the ladies. Jakey glares at nowhere in particular, hoping he is facing the narrator. It takes fifteen fruity girly drinks to get Candice drunk (and another ten to get her properly WASTED), but Jakey can't even get a buzz after thirty. "what gives" "maybe it's that moissanite, dilluting all the alcohol" "oh goddammit why in the world would i drink alcohol now; for the taste?" "the social aspect is most important, i think" "true" "jakey i am in no condition to drive or probably even walk so could you please take me home" "oh sure" Jakey helps Candice to stand up, and loads her up into the tricycle's sidecar. Michelle storms up to Jakey and slaps him across the face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/access to the bars]

Mission 028: Expectations [Business Start-Up]
"so let me get this straight: you found a recipe for ice cream in an ancient mojavistanian tomb, written in heiroglyphics, have no experience making anything resembling food, and you want to start an ice cream business" "that about sums it up ms orenstein" "who would even make the ice cream" "unpaid mexicans" "okay okay i like it; where will you get your ingredients" "ice cream ingredientz Я us" "all right; what will the shop be called" "jakey's ice cream" "no no that's no good; you need something with more punch" Kathy thinks for a moment. "i've got it: kathy's ice cream" "uh-" "of course i will need royalties for coming up with such a great name for you (as well as my name and likeness)" "i-" "it's settled then" Kathy writes down all of the business details for Kathy's Ice Cream on the form and files it away officially. "congratulations jakey; kathy's ice cream is ready to do business" "but-" "now get out there and make us some money" Kathy shoves Jakey out of the building. "what just happened" Michelle exits the business start-up company, ready to start her new business: Jakey Takes Michelle Home Incorporated (Sponsored by Kathy). "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kathy's Ice Cream business/Kathy's Ice Cream t-shirt]

Mission 029: This One is for Sao Paolo [King Bran]
King Bran drops a podium outside the door of McDonald's and ties the front door shut with a ribbon. "MY FELLOW ALABAMANIANS we are gathered here today to dedicate this mcdonald's to me, the king bran" "what you-" "in doing so, i will take full control of this mcdonald's and i decree that BREAKFAST SHALL BE SERVED ALL DAY" King Bran cuts the ribbon and enters the McDonald's, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "i would like six egg mcmuffins" "it's 4 pm" "did you not hear my speech outside" "we can't serve breakfast after 10:30 i-it's immoral we can't play god" "you can and you WILL unless you want the full force of the alabamanian military to wipe this mcdonald's off the face of the earth" Taylor sweats as a red dot appears on his forehead. Shaking, Taylor walks over to the freezer and takes out six Egg McMuffins, placing them in the machine. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning rains down from the heavens. "ow" Taylor takes the Egg McMuffins out of the machine, bags them up, and hands them to King Bran. "may god have mercy on our souls" "word" King Bran leaves the McDonald's and tosses two Egg McMuffins each to Jakey and Grace. "i can't believe it worked" "i can't believe you doubted me" A blade appears in front of Jakey's throat. "you three have meddled with forces beyond you mere mortals" "oh come on; i went in, i should be the one getting assassinated; it's not fair jakey's always the one who has the cool shit happen to him" "speaking of cool shit" Jakey jerks forward, taking his own head off. As the assassin is taken aback by Jakey's apparent suicide, Grace grabs him by the arm and flips him onto his back. Jakey's head reattaches itself to his body, and he takes the assassin's sword. "foolish mortals if balance is not restored-" "yeah yeah" Jakey smacks the assassin with the butt of the sword, knocking him out. Jakey then turns the assassin over to the Alabama police. "now where were we" Jakey reaches back into the bag of Egg McMuffins to see that Michelle has already eaten the last one. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/McDonald's jacket/Special Agent Grace missions/Alabama Detention Centre missions]

Mission 030: Death by Decrees [King Bran]
"jakey it has been a long time since i've handed out a royal decree" "so what cree do you wish to abolish today" "what" "well how can you decree (or recree for that matter) if there wasn't a cree originally" "..." "..." "i've been doing it all wrong for years" "the enemies of alabama probably wanted to keep you ignorant of this fact in order to undermine your royal authority" "THE FUCKERS" King Bran whips out his favourite pen and writes a new cree that from this day forth, it will be illegal for enemies of Alabama to undermine King Bran's royal authority. "that'll teach em" "they will member this day today, then remember it for the rest of their lives" King Bran nods. "the only mining that will be done in THIS country is OVERMINING" Michelle is dragged to the throne room by the Alabama secret service wearing a headlamp and covered in soot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/crown jacket]

Mission 031: Do the Impossible [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"so are we going to get revenge for your kidnapping" "nah let bygones be bygones i always say" "you and i are very different people" "mmm it's like we're a living paula abdul song" "cheesy rapping section and all" "you know it" "so what now" "there's a marathon of the mario brothers super show on right now" "oh shit yeah nigga" Jakey and Claire sit down to watch the Super Mario Bros. Super Show for hours on end. "man luigi is a real-ass nigga" "unlike that busta mario" "word" "WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE" Michelle appears on-screen and shuffles her papers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Super Mario Bros. Super Show t-shirt]

Mission 032: See the Invisible [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey don't come in my house is being fumigated" "you have a bug problem?" "not that i know of but these guys in a van with a crucifix on it are inside chanting and lightning candles so" "that sounds more like an exorcism than a fumigation" "does it?" "yeah i think they're trying to banish you to the afterlife" "well that isn't very nice; i became a ghost because i have some unfinished business or whatever tying me to this world and i can't just leave" "what is this business" "i don't want to talk about it; i like earth a lot and i don't want anyone finishing my business and sending me right off into the afterlife" "fair enough" "but what i would like you to do is to get these exorcists out of my house if it's not too much trouble" "i'll see what i can do" Jakey calmly walks into Claire's house and begins firing his gun indiscriminately. "dude" "not cool" "you almost hit me" "oh sorry my b" Jakey fires a round straight into one of the exorcisor's heads. "ABORT MISSION ABORT" The remaining exorcisors run away, and Jakey destroys all the exorcising equipment, then drags the exorcisor's corpse into the dumpster. "coast is clear claire" "oh good clear is my favourite colour" "i prefer transparent myself" "that one's good too" Michelle crawls out of the dumpster. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/exorcisor jacket]

Mission 033: Live Your Life Inside a Dream [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey your teacher has gotten over her severe burns abnormally quickly and i believe there may be some foul play at uh play here so i am pulling you out of school and replacing you with the decoy" "oh i am so down for that" "while the decoy is in class for you, it will transmit data to me that i will go over later; meanwhile the two of us will be at the local amusement park, partaking in its amusements for uh research" "sounds good to me" "all right help me wind this bad boy up" Jakey and Grace take turns twisting the wind-up key on the Jakey decoy, then send it in to his classes. The two then ride Jakey's tricycle to the amusement park, where Kathy sits with her feet up on the reception desk. "party of two for grace; i made reservations" Without moving her torso or looking up from her magazine, Kathy grabs the stamp with her foot and stamps the back of Grace's and Jakey's hands with the admittance stamp. "head on in or whatever you intend to do" Grace and Jakey do exactly as Kathy says. "where should we go first" "THE TEACUPS THE TEACUPS" "sounds good to me" Jakey grabs Grace by the hand and they run over to the teacups and take their seats, spinning around and around. "that was fun; what next" "LET'S GO AGAIN LET'S GO AGAIN" "uh okay" Jakey and Grace remain seated and spin around and around once again. "okay that was nice but-" "..." "..." "why did you cut yourself off there" "i uh kind of assumed you'd say 'let's go again' again" "nah i'm good" "o-oh" Grace blushes, embarrassed. "so what would you like to do" "i would like to do something i have not done since i was a little girl; come on" Grace grabs Jakey by the hand and drags him up to the top of the tallest building in the park. "okay here we are" "okay now what" Grace smashes open the gumball machine and grabs as many gumballs as she can hold, and motions with her head for Jakey to do the same. Grace walks over to the railing, winks at Jakey, then drops all the gumballs off the top of the tower. Jakey follows suit, and many gumballs rain down on defenseless peoples' heads. Other gumballs hit the ground and cause people to slip and fall when they walk on them. "this never gets old" "look at that deputy orange who got one lodged in his throat and is now choking to death" "hilarious" Park security begins to march up the stairs. "oh no it's the fuzz SCATTER" Grace leaps off the top of the building, and Jakey follows. Grace pulls the cord on her parachute, falling safely to the ground. Jakey, however, does not have a parachute and falls to the ground with a sickening "splet" before reforming completely. "LIFE IS PAIN" Michelle runs up to Jakey and Grace, but slips and falls on some gumballs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/amusement park t-shirt/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 034: Teacher Needs to See Me After School [Special Agent Grace]
"okay i have compiled the data the decoy has gotten on your teacher" "and?" "she's a robotic replacement sent in by a shadowy organisation shrouded in uh shadows for nefarious purposes" "such as" "i... don't know" "oh good" "the robot has been teaching the kids a lot about that irish band u2 though" "oh jesus christ not them again" "you've run into this group before?!" "SHE MEANS NOTHING TO ME I SWEAR" "..." "..." "..." "c-can i try that again" "by all means" "okay so they hang out at the late-night waterpark and seem to have a thing against ghosts" "1: ghosts aren't real" "if it helps you to sleep at night" "2: i can't believe you went to the late-night waterpark without me" Jakey sweats. "i didn't want to take you out to a subpar waterpark so i had to scout it out first; imagine if you had cut your beautiful legs on some poorly-constructed metal slide i'd never forgive myself" "ooh i almost believed that one" "and that's all i ask for" "so anyway my plan is to go and slaughter all of the members of the organisation while they aren't expecting it" Jakey laughs. "it's almost cute how little you understand about narrative tension" "what" "we have to beat around the bush, get set back by their plans a bunch, then take out most of them at the end of the story, leaving just a few hanging around as a sequel hook" "..." "..." "jakey you've been known to shoot people in the MIDDLE of their dramatic speeches where do you get off lecturing me about narrative tension" "i ALWAYS save the biggest bad for the end grace" "oh yeah totally like last year when your insurmountable mountain was a trip to the bathroom" "i-" "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST USE A BATHROOM IN A DIFFERENT BUILDING" "IT WAS A PRIDE THING GRACE YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND" "what's your next obstacle going to be, the king bran not letting you borrow his favourite pen?" "IT'S A REALLY NICE PEN" Michelle, sensing the mood of the room, enters with the perfect line to diffuse the tension. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 035: Brotherhood [Alabama Detention Centre]
"all right punk you're going to tell me all you know or i will torture you and shit" "do your worst kid" "with pleasure" Jakey puts on his soundproof earphones and blasts Nickelback's Rock Star, then he grabs a sledgehammer. "ENOUGH ENOUGH" The assassin's ears bleed profusely as Jakey turns off the "music". "ready to talk" "ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW" "1: who sent you" "some guys who love that u2 band" "2: are there any other dead end leads you can give me" "oh totally there was the uh old vampire lady? and that magician the great cheryl" "sweet thanks" Jakey grabs his gun and blows the assassin's brains out. "good job jakey we've got all the pieces falling into place; now go and investigate those dead-end leads and ignore the real culprits some more" "ON IT SHERIFF" Jakey salutes Sheriff Antony as he walks away. Michelle climbs into the torture chamber through a secret exit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions/The Great Cheryl missions/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 036: Call it Magic, Call it True [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've got reports of someone stealing magic from the wizards of the enchanted forest" "mystic forest" "same thing" "not really; 'mystic' implies that the forest itself generates magic, but 'enchanted' implies that someone has cast a spell on the forest instead" "WHATEVER the point is there is a possible crime and we have to put an end to it" "i'm only trying to make sure you don't look stupid when we get there" "i'm sure i'll be fine" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop onto Jakey's tricycle and ride off for the Mystic Forest. "HELP I AM BEING ROBBED" "DEPUTY ORANGE AWAY" Deputy Orange rockets off with his jetpack, Jakey following close behind, spinning like a propeller. The two eventually come across a wizard being stuck up at knifepoint. "YOUR MAGIC OR YOUR LIFE" "how about a third option" Jakey rams into the mugger headfirst, sending his knife flying. Deputy Orange grabs the knife out of the air and hucks it into the mugger's hand, pinning him to the ground. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU WANT THE MAGIC" "it's a beautiful day" A single tear streams down the mugger's cheek. "don't let it get away" The mugger presses a button, blowing himself to pieces and sending Deputy Orange flying and knocking him unconscious. "OH NO YOU DON'T" Jakey quickly rounds up all the pieces of the mugger, cuts his own hand open, and pours the blood onto the chunks, causing them to reform into a person. "MOTHERFUCKER" "i get that a lot" While Jakey interrogates the mugger, the wizard walks over to Deputy Orange and wakes him up with magic, healing his concussion as a bonus. "thank you wizard of the magical forest" "MYSTIC forest" "goddammit" "ALL RIGHT send this man to prison i've got all i needed out of him" "what did you get" "nothing we didn't already know" "useful" Deputy Orange handcuffs the mugger and drags him to jail. "hey want to see a cool trick" The wizard takes off his hat (revealing an identical hat underneath) and pulls Michelle out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wizards of the Mystic Forest jacket]

Mission 037: You Know He Knows Just Exactly What the Facts Is [Deputy Orange]
"jakey there i am picking up criminal activity on the scanner" "let's goooooooooooooo" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop onto Jakey's tricycle and follow the criminals on the scanner. "WEE WOO WEE WOO" "PULL OVER WE HAVE YOU DEAD TO RIGHTS" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPER" Deputy Orange fires a single bullet into the tyre of the criminal's bicycle, causing him to fall to the pavement. "OW JESUS CHRIST MY KNEE" The criminal rolls around, clutching his knee. "I THINK I'VE SKUN IT" Jakey walks over and steps on the criminal's neck. "you'll have a lot more to worry about if you don't start talking" Deputy Orange rips off the criminal's ski mask, revealing the face of Crazy Svart. "I'M SORRY I'LL NEVER CYCLE ON THE SIDEWALK AGAIN" "of course you won't WHEN YOU'RE IN JAIL" Deputy Orange handcuffs Crazy Svart and drags him off to the precinct. Meanwhile, Michelle finishes changing the tyre on Crazy Svart's bicycle, hops on, and pedals away crackling manically until she is hit by a car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 038: No Regrets, No Love, No Tears [King Bran]
"jakey i need to buy a new mattress so i am going to do it the only way someone of my station should" "oh boy" "WHEEL! OF! FURNITURE!" The throne room spins around to reveal a gameshow set. "yo i am king bran, the man, and welcome to WHEEL! OF! FURNITURE!" "yay hooray" "today's contestants are three young mattresses, made by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing; competing in their place (as they are inanimate objects) are JAKEY, ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 24, and my maid, EMELYN" "hello" "Hello" "hello" "mattress #1: if you were a painting, which would you be" "the scream because my life is a constant spiral of horror and misery" "mattress #2, the same question" "Uh Starry Night?" "BORING" King Bran pulls the lever, sending Robert Truckdriver 24 and his mattress tumbling down into the abyss. "mattress #3, the same question" "blue poles" "elaborate" "king bran you know i respect the shit out of you, but the mattress says 'fuck you i ain't gotta explain shit'" "i like it" King Bran pulls the lever again, sending Jakey and his mattress tumbling down into the abyss, where Michelle greets them with a wave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 039: I Wish I Never Woke Up This Morning [King Bran]
"jakey i chose the wrong mattress" "but you were so into it earlier" "this mattress is REALLY pretentious and won't let me lay down on my back, sides, or stomach" "then how-" "I DON'T KNOW I TRIED ALL NIGHT TO PLEASE THE BED BUT IT JUST WOULDN'T SO I HAD TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH" "ouch" "so basically what i want you to do is to assassinate my mattress and i will retrieve mattress #1 from the abyss" "can do" Jakey rolls up his sleeves and walks into King Bran's bedroom, where the mattress lay on a box-spring. Jakey pulls out his favourite gun and knocks the mattress off the box-spring, to avoid catching it in the crossfire. Jakey steps on the mattress and shoots it right where the pillow would go. Jakey then wraps the mattress in a sack and dumps it into the ocean, where Michelle is surfing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mattress jacket]

Mission 040: Late Night [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i'm out of bottled blood would you run to the store and get some for me" "can do; i was craving the smooth chocolate and peanut buttery crunch of a butterfinger anyway" Jakey puts on his jacket and exits out to the cold streets, tricycling down to Snackz Я Us, where Taylor stands at the counter chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "yo where all the bottled blood at" Taylor produces a six-pack from below the counter. "the customers get antsy if i display it normally" "cool; i'll also take a butterfinger" "there's only one left, and it's mine" Taylor unwraps the Butterfinger candy bar and smells it as Jakey waits for the moment to strike. As Taylor opens his mouth to insert the candy bar, Jakey hucks a pack of Twinkies straight into Taylor's mouth, blocking the Butterfinger from entering. As Taylor is stunned for just a moment, Jakey swipes the Butterfinger and the six-pack of blood, leaving behind exact change to pay for both items. Taylor spits the package of Twinkies onto the ground, grabs the portion of the change meant to pay for the Butterfinger, and leaps over the counter to pounce on Jakey. The Butterfinger flies out of Jakey's hand as he hits the ground, and Taylor catches it as he hucks Jakey's money back at him. "nobody better lay a finger on my butterfinger" As Taylor reaches it to his mouth, Michelle eats the whole candy bar in one bite. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Butterfinger jacket]

Mission 041: Hell Freezes Over [The Great Cheryl]
"jerry i just got a letter from the magician's union demanding that i join, threatening to blacklist me" "well we will pre-emptively blacklist THEM" "how would-" Jakey pumps his shotgun. "i like this plan" Jakey and The Great Cheryl hop onto Jakey's tricycle and head for the magician's union headquarters. "Ah There You Are The Great Cheryl" Robert Truckdriver 945 folds his arms and smirks. "We Knew You'd Come Around" "yes but not as you'd expected" The Great Cheryl dodges out of the way as Jakey storms into the room pumping all the other magicians full of lead. "Cute" Robert Truckdriver 945 magically heals the wounds of all the magicians. "You Didn't Actually Think That Would Work Did You" In his smug self-satisfaction, Robert Truckdriver 945 doesn't notice The Great Cheryl chanting her own magical spell. "abra kadabra ALAKAZAM" A portal to the Negative Dimension opens, and the other magicians are all sucked in. "We Will Have Our Revenge The Great Cheryl" "YES, THE GRAND GEORGINI WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE" "mmm i'll bet" The portal closes just as Michelle claws her way out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Grand Georgini t-shirt]

Mission 042: There Were Plants and Birds and Rocks and Things [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have learned of the location of an abandoned, scuttled, and ransacked former hideout of the bonofans" "oh boy i am sure we will learn nothing from it and not advance the main plot of the story in any way" "that's what i was thinking" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop onto Jakey's tricycle and head for the old McDonald's on Candy Cane Lane. "well it looks like everything was taken or destroyed" "except for this buy one/get one free coupon that expired five years ago" "woah dude hand it over" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey the coupon, and he subtly changes the "2002" to "2008". "well it's time to buy one and then get one free" "god bless this country"  Michelle falls from a tube in the ceiling. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/McDonald's t-shirt]

Mission 043: Desperate Times [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i have figured out where the hoodlums from earlier got their nintendium armour" "let me guess: crazy svart's used nintendium armour" "what no who would ever give that away for it to become used" "you could always buy new sets, open them, and sell them as used" "where's the profit; people buy used because it's cheaper than new" "but if you buy out all the new, people will be forced to buy used, and you can mark up the prices insane amounts" "that's immoral" "never stopped gamestop" "mmm yes my #1 dream is to become just like fucking gamestop" "whose wouldn't be" "sane people probably" "and when's the last time you met one of those at such businesses like 'crazy svart's used peanut butter sandwiches' or 'crazy svart's used chastity belts'" "come on that goth girl who comes in all the time is totally sane" "oh yeah, lilith sierra raven o'darkenberg a.k.a. 'darkness incarnate' a.k.a. 'the blackest night' is the pinnacle of sanity" "man you'd be fucked up too if you were born on friday the thirteenth" "i'm sure the name 'o'darkenberg' isn't helping" "so uh what were we talking about again" "i forgot" "damn" "well i'm going to give lily a call" "good idea; make all the other girls you hang around seem normal" Michelle appears in a swirling vortex of darkness. "FOOLISH MORTAL, take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 044: We Can Fly so High [Crazy Svart]
"so what have you got for me this time crazy svart" "i'm selling these used planes but they're rather plain so i was going to paint them, but i didn't want to get the store dirty, so i moved them to an empty plain" "painting plain planes on the plains - sounds boring as fuck" "your loss" Crazy Svart grabs his painting equipment and goes off to the plains while Jakey lounges in a chair and waits for him to return. The hours pass by uneventfully until Crazy Svart eventually returns, bloodied and bruised. "jesus christ what happened to you" "i don't want to talk about it" Crazy Svart walks into the back room as Michelle walks up to the counter holding a toy plane. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/paint splotch t-shirt]

Mission 045: Cleaning House [Emelyn]
"jakey as you know i am the maid of the king bran and he has entrusted me with an important task which i must complete or i will forever bring shame upon not only myself, not only my family name, but also the noble profession of maidery" "that sounds like a lot of pressure" "it is, and it doesn't not help that this task requires me to enter the basement" "what's wrong with the basement" "IT'S DARK AND SCARY IN THERE" "oh right, standard basement fare" "i'd feel a lot better if someone with some sort of firearm accompanied me" "i guess i can help?" Jakey grabs a torch and lights his left arm on fire. "JESUS FUCK THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT" Emelyn grabs a bucket of water and dumps it on Jakey's arm. "then what the fuck-" "A GUN JAKEY" "ohhhhhhhhhhh why didn't you just say so" Emelyn stares at Jakey with a look of confusion, disbelief, and mild disgust.  "let's just go" Jakey and Emelyn enter the basement and head through its winding halls. "so what do we need to do in this basement anyway" "well the king bran accidentally opened a box containing an evil spirit and while the spirit has gone off to parts unknown, our immediate priority is to make sure the king bran's collection of vintage refigerators with children's artwork stuck on by magnets survived intact" "are any of the children famous or" "maybe but we don't really know; it's more about preserving the feelings of pride only a parent could have" "fair enough" "there they are" Emelyn looks the refrigerators up and down, and reels backward quickly upon inspecting the final refrigerator. "THE ARTWORK IS MISSING FROM THIS ONE" Emelyn begins to hyperventilate. "CALM DOWN maybe it's under the fridge" Jakey lifts up the fridge, and Emelyn spots the missing art. "thank god" Emelyn grabs the artwork and attaches it back to the fridge. "no harm done" "thank you jakey i never would have thought to do that" "it's probably easier to think of solutions to problems when your entire life doesn't depend on it" "word" Michelle crawls out of the refrigerator. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 046: Spooky Ghosts [Emelyn]
"well we've saved the refrigerators but now we have to capture the ghost to make sure it doesn't harm any more refrigerator art ever again" "naturally" "so uh where do you think the ghost went" "i don't know but i know someone who would uh know" Jakey and Emelyn hop onto Jakey's tricycle and head for Claire's house. "yo claire you're a ghost" "how observant of you" "totally i need to know - if you were trapped inside a box for hundreds of years, where would you go if you escaped" "i'd probably be hungry so the ghost mcdonald's on great street" "all right thanks" Jakey and Emelyn head for the ghostly McDonald's. "there he is" "okay you distract him while i sneak up from behind with the box" "good plan" Emelyn attempts to sit across from the ghost, but falls through the ghostly bench. While the ghost laughs, Jakey snatches him in the box. "too easy" "for you maybe; i think i may have broken my tailbone" "want me to take a look" Emelyn stares at Jakey with completely exasperation. "your loss" Michelle walks up to the counter and orders a Happy Meal, but is unable to eat it because it is incorporeal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ghostly McDonald's jacket/vague relationship with Emelyn/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 047: Wake Me Up Inside [Lilith]
"life is pain; i have come to accept this" "shame you're not old enough to drink; most people deal with it that way" "why would i want to dull my life; we were put here on this earth to taste the various flavours of pain, and experience the darkness within us all" "my favourite flavour of pain is cherry" "i prefer blue raspberry" "that one's second" "i dwell in this graveyard in order to partake in the pain and tragedy all who dwell here have experienced so i may add it to my own" "everyone needs a hobby" Lilith nods. "i also enjoy stamp collecting" "who doesn't" "they say that the devil invented stamps in order to get us too focussed on collecting them to worship our lord" "it was a great plan" Lilith nods. "so what brings you to my home" "at first it just seemed like a way to pass some time, but now i'm kind of enjoying talking with you" "i am also enjoying it, and i enjoy enjoyment, as it inevitably leads to pain in the end" "word up" Michelle runs into the graveyard and flies backward, trying to catch the football thrown by Sheriff Antony, but hits a gravestone with her head. Lilith absorbs her pain and turns it to sustenance. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Lilith/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 048: Internal Network [King Bran]
"jakey my secretary has been bugging the fuck out of me about some bullshit i don't give a fuck about; you take care of it" "can do" Jakey salutes King Bran and goes over to see Kathy. "JAKEY IT'S TERRIBLE PRINT IS DYING BECAUSE OF TH-THE 'INTERNET'" "the internet is a far more convenient-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP PRINT IS MY LIVELIHOOD AND I WON'T SEE IT TAKEN FROM ME BY 'CONVENIENCE' AND 'FUNCTION'" Kathy drags Jakey by his collar to his tricycle and pedals them off to Al Gore's mansion. "OPEN UP" "hello" "LISTEN BUDDY; YOUR 'INTERNET' IS RUINING MY LIVELIHOOD" "progress marches ever onward" Kathy tackles Al Gore and begins to beat the shit out of him. "MISTER FORMER VICE PRESIDENT" A secret service agent tases Kathy, causing her to convulse on the floor. "how about you kid; how do you feel about the internet" "I LOVE IT IT IS MY FAVOURITE NET" "good" Al Gore slaps an Al Gore hat onto Jakey's head, chucks Kathy outside, and slams the door. Michelle is also thrown from an open window, wearing her own Al Gore hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Al Gore hat]

Mission 049: External Organs [King Bran]
"jakey i found a sweet deal on a new organ for the castle and i want you to take emelyn and this stack of bills and buy it for me; i'd tell you to take kathy but she seems really angry about something or other" "isn't she always" Jakey and Emelyn hop onto Jakey's tricycle and head for Organz Я Us, where Taylor stands behind the counter chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "yo we're here for the organ" "sorry i already sold it to king bran's people" "uh WE'RE king bran's people" "oh okay then i sold it to some impostors" "oh darn" "jakey we need to get this organ or else king bran will get really really mad probably" "is he even capable of that emotion?" "i don't wish to find out" Jakey and Emelyn step out of the store and notice some footprints heading southward. "the organ's likely pretty heavy so if we hurry we should be able to catch up to the impostors" Jakey and Emelyn hop onto the tricycle and follow the footprints around the corner into an abandonned warehouse. "ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE" Jakey waves his gun around wildly and fires at nothing in particular. "hello hello" "goodbye" Jakey fires a round at the thief, but it is swiftly dodged. "that's not very nice" The thief grabs Jakey's gun and melts the barrel with his hand. "i can't say i saw that one coming" Jakey pulls out a second gun and fires. "luckily i always carry a backup" "is this how it ends" "BROTHER" Jakey fires a second round into the second thief. "i have no regrets" "it's a beautiful day" "don't let it get away" Both Bonofan15 and Bonofan29 fade into nothingness. "well that saves me a lot of paperwork" Jakey and Emelyn grab the organ and carry it back to the castle. As soon as they set it down, Michelle hops over to it and begins to play her own original symphony entitled "Take Me Home".
[reward: respect +/organ jacket/Emelyn missions]