A Thing Gaiden 9: Teachour (2007)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"all right students!!! we are going to put on the big thanksgiving play this year!!!" The entire high school class groans in unison, minus a few stragglers. There is a pause to wait for a Bonofan to chime in, but then everyone remembers that Sheriff Antony slaughtered the lot of them. "this time is going to be different from all the others you've seen!!! instead of making cheap cardboard props, i have brought in an expert!!!" Teachour motions for her guest to come in, and nearly everyone in class scampers to the back of the room when they see The Great Cheryl's face. "GET BACK DEVIL WOMAN" Brucie makes a cross with his fingers, hoping it will be enough to halt the advance of the demon in the room. "cut that out you're embarrassing yourself brian" "listen just respect the great cheryl and her craft and everything will be okay" Robert Truckdriver 39 begins to shake in fright and dives out the window, shattering the glass. "kids these days" The Great Cheryl magically repairs the window, and everyone gets down to business.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"all right so what did you have in mind trixie" "teachour" "whatever" "well it's thanksgiving so i need injuns; the kids will play the pilgrims" "okay anything else" "yes, i want it to be REAL" "okay i'll have it all ready by this time tomorrow" "sweet" The Great Cheryl walks off to prepare her portion of the play. Meanwhile, Teachour turns her attention to the class. "okay so you're all going to be pilgrims" "oh oh oh i think i will be good at this" "give me your best pilgrim, jakey" "arrrrrrrrrrgh ye mateys swiggity swooty i'm comin' for that booty yar har har har" "..." "..." "that's... not what a pilgrim is" "WHAT it totally is" "no, that's a lecherous sailor" "tomeɪto, tomɑːto" "no no no pilgrims are the valiant heroes who lured in the evil injuns with food, then killed them with diseased blankets so that we could inhabit this glorious land" "yeah and they also sailed around in huge ships, plundering and pillaging cities, ships, and wenches" Jakey wraps his arm around Kathy and pulls her close as he says "wenches". Kathy just rolls her eyes. "yeah teachour i think jakey's right for once" "yeah" "me too" Teachour sighs and heads backstage for a stiff drink.

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"all right tiffani i am summoning the injuns you requested from the pocket dimension i was keeping them in" "my name is teachour" "yeah yeah whatever" The Great Cheryl casts a spell and calls forth a dozen real, live Injuns. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWO" The Injuns begin firing their bows wildly at the crowd, and everyone scatters and runs away. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOO" "you said you wanted the injuns to be REAL" "I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY" "you should say what you mean; i'm not a mind-reader tandy" "MY NAME IS FUCKING TEACHOUR" An Injun hears Teachour yelling and runs over, brandishing his tomahawk. "uh got to go nice meeting you tobiathany" The Great Cheryl teleports away. Out of the corner of her eye, Teachour sees Jakey runs across the stage. "JAKEY" "UH I'D LOVE TO HELP BUT I HAVE TO UH TAKE MICHELLE HOME" Jakey grabs Michelle and tucks her under his arm, running off for home. "fuck my life"
THE END