A Thing Gaiden 3: Sophia (2015)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"MY BABY DON'T MESS AROUND BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME SO AND THIS I KNOW FOR SURE" The music cuts out in Sophia's car as her boss calls. "UH BUT DOES-oh come on" "listen we need you to assassinate someone" "like you assassinated my favourite song" "yes" Sophia sighs. "who is it" "chef amiee :3; she has outlived her usefulness and has become a thorn in our side; we have provided you with a mask and script for this assassination to deflect the blame elsewhere" "fine whatever i'll do it just let me get back to my song" "all right" The boss hangs up and the song continues. "ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"hello investors and welcome to the grand unveiling of my newest restaurant; motherfucker chinese, serving the best chinese food on this side of the map"  "this is fortuitous, as i was tired of drilling to china every time i wanted some pork spare ribs or beef teriyaki" "CHING CHONG" Sophia leaps from the top of the building wearing a Chinaman mask and shoves her sword right through Chef Amiee :3's skull. "OH NO IT'S THE CHINAMEN" "THAT'S POLITICALLY INCORRECT" "oh i'm sorry" "ching chong" Chef Amiee :3's body explodes into ashes, causing the scissors that were to be used to cut the ribbon on the building to fly off, hitting Sophia straight in her left eye. "CHING" "QUICK WHILE HE'S HURT RUN" The investors run off in separate directions as Sophia hookshots back up to the top of the building. "dammit that was my second-favourite eye too"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of chef amiee :3, the greatest chef that time had ever known" "WHY DO THE GOOD ONES ALWAYS DIE SO YOUNG" Jakey blows his nose very loudly. "luckily, chef amiee :3 believed in reincarnation, so check this out" Chef Amiee :3's ashes stir, and from them rise a naked Amiee :3. "GAH" Everyone whips out their phones and begins taking pictures. "oops sorry" Father Brucie hands Amiee :3 some clothes. "so now that you're back among the living, what have you reincarnated as" "the editor-in-chief of an esteemed newspaper, the amiee :3 post" "so it is written, so it shall be" Father Brucie stamps the documents, and Amiee :3 is given complete control over her own newspaper. "god bless us; every one of us"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of sophia's left eye; the brown one" "while the green one was more attractive, having both brown and green side-by-side was an honour while it lasted" Father Brucie plants a small stake into the ground, marking off the memory of Sophia's left eye. Sophia attempts to reach for her stiff drink, but misses. "i hate my life"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"we are impressed with your performance sophia; as a news reporter, amiee :3 can't possibly harm our shadowy organisation" "great" "we'll keep in touch" "yes i feel like i have too many body parts; let's get rid of a leg next" The boss hangs up as Sophia grabs a drink and turns her radio back on. "my baby don't mess around because she loves me so and this i know for sure" The music cuts out as her boss calls again. "great news sophia we've got another job for you" "oh for fuck's sake"
THE END