Everything's Going to be All Right (2015)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your 'A Thing', 'Another Thing', 'Nothing', 'TNBT', 'Anything', 'OTLTA', and 'IJOTAA' save files/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Plank Bank [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have figured out how to stop these attacks on your person" "so have i but i don't think it's such a good idea" "hmmm yeah forcing taylor to stop having such great deals on planks would surely cause nationwide rioting" "and that's the BEST case scenario" "well either way, i have got something for you to ingest, as is tradition after these attacks" "and then you're going to send me off to professor eif's place, as is tradition, right?" "totally" "all right lay it on me nigga i got this shit" Sheriff Antony places a small amulet on the table. "this is the talisman, which has power untold!!! but really all it will do is raise your speed and strength by 5%" "sweet" Jakey dons The Talisman and tucks it underneath his shirt. "i had meant for you to eat it but that works too; now for the third tradition" Sheriff Antony points to a figure behind Jakey, who is revealed to be Michelle when Jakey turns around. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Talisman/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 002: Vehicular Manslaughter [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey good timing we've just received a distress call from crazy svart's used autos" "don't we usually just ignore those" "normally yes but he won't stop mashing the distress button and the alarm keeps going off and it's really annoying" "okay so are we going to kill him?" "eh we'll play it by ear" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Crazy Svart's Used Autos, where a frantic Crazy Svart flags them down. "THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE I'VE BEEN MASHING THE DISTRESS SWITCH FOR HOURS" "i've noticed" "what seems to be the problem citizen" "THAT" Crazy Svart points across the street (which is also the Alabama/Obnoxious Celtic Country border) to the new Pixington Auto Showroom. "what about it? you sell used cars, the pixingtons sell new cars; it's a totally different market" "they're running me out business by selling new cars for cheaper than my used ones!!!" "that's their right in our capitalistic society" "'capitalistic' is redundant jakey" "whatever; either way the only thing i'm going to do if i go down there is tell the pixington in charge that they're doing a great job" "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT; THE LAWMEN ARE COMMUNISTS" "please stop embarrassing yourself sir" "I REFUSE" Jakey shrugs and walks across the street to the Pixington Auto Showroom. "hello and welcome valued customer to the pixington auto showroom!!!" "hey amber you're doing a great job but to really drive the nail into crazy svart's coffin, you're going to have to slash prices even harder" "already working on it!!! tomorrow marks the start of our big 1% off sale-a-ganza!!!" "ONE WHOLE PERCENT?!" Crazy Svart clutches his chest and falls to the ground. "GREAT JOB JAKEY NOW I NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE" Sheriff Antony flips Jakey off from across the street. "so stop on by soon and reap the savings!!!" "will do!!!" Michelle honks the horn of a brand new 2016 Ford Focus RS. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Pixington Auto Showroom t-shirt/Crazy Svart missions/Amber missions]

Mission 003: Window of Opportunity [Professor Eif]
"yo professor eif what's up" "SILENCE can't you see i am experimenting!!!" "it looks to me like you've kidnapped a girl and tied her to a chair" "no this was totally consensual; she approached me" "well to be fair i wasn't aware i'd be tied to a chair" "listen do you want me to fix your problem or not" "right!!! let's roll!!!" Professor Eif pulls down the lever on the machine to his right, sending 15,000 volts through Rachel's body. "what the fuck kind of problem did she even HAVE for this to be the treatment?!" "to be fair, the electricity is only the delivery system for the medication" Professor Eif points at a large cylinder of red powder, then shuts off the machine once it is all gone. "so would you mind telling me why we just electrocuted rachel" "in my endless pursuit of new challenges (and HOPEFULLY an acting career) i charge ever forward to face my problems head-on!!! this means i run into a lot of glass windows!!! it is very painful!!!" "and to stop this menace from killing any more of my friends, i have given ms jackson the honour of testing my latest medication" "uh-huh" "SO ms jackson how do you feel" "slightly singed!!!" Rachel begins to brush the ash off of her clothes and out of her hair. "tell me; how many windows am i holding up" "uh four" "i will accept that answer, despite it being two dual-pane windows" "oh dammit!!! load me up with more medicine doc!!!" "with pleasure" Professor Eif inserts a new tube into the machine while Michelle waits next to him impatiently for her turn to be electrocuted. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 004: Haven't Got the Heart [Crazy Svart]
"hey crazy svart against my better judgement i have decided to come see you in the hospital" "oh jakey i am glad you are here; you are my only friend; not even my own heart can be trusted after it attacked me so viciously" Beads of sweat begin to drip down Jakey's face. "now i know it's a lot of pressure but there's no competition!!! all you need to do to be my best friend FOREVER is to destroy the pixington auto showroom" "guess i forfeit the title" "don't be that way jakey pessimists get nowhere in life you can do it i believe in you" "'can' and 'want to' are two totally different things" "don't be afraid" "i'm not" "that's exactly what someone who doesn't want people to know that they are afraid would say" "that's also exactly what someone who isn't afraid would say" "yeah but i think we both know which category you fall into" "obviously not" "denying it will get you nowhere jakey; you know what you have to do" "yes i believe i do" Jakey leaves the room, never to return. "thanks for the help jakey!!!" "uh-huh" Jakey exits the hospital and watches as Michelle is rushed into the emergency room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/heart attack t-shirt]

Mission 005: Sale-a-Ganza [Amber]
"hey jakey glad you could make it but uh could you help me for a moment" "oh sure what's up" "well there's this lady who's been here since we opened but she hasn't approached anyone or even closely looked at any vehicle and she kind of scares me; could you go and see what she wants" Amber motions over to Resistance Leadour, who is sitting cross-legged on the tar. "uh sure" "thanks you're a lifesaver now excuse me while i deal with this fine customer" Amber walks away to deal with another customer while Jakey heads over to talk to Resistance Leadour. "yo ressie what's up" "oh hey jakey i was just training; resisting these huge savings is a great way to train endurance" Resistance Leadour takes a sip from a bottle of water. "later i will work on hydration resistance but right now it would be too risky; i could seriously get injured if i tried to resist both at once while my pores are releasing so much sweat like this" "well um you know that i am totally supportive of your lifestyle of resistance, but the showroom lady is kind of freaked out by it" "oh wow i hadn't even thought of that; i'll have to go talk to her once she's done selling a car to your sister" "my wha-" Jakey turns around just in time to watch as Michelle backs over him. "oh god i'm so sorry i didn't mean to run you over jakey tell you what as a show of good apology i will allow you to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 006: Aftermath-a-Ganza [Amber]
Jakey returns to the Pixington Auto Showroom lot to find trash strewn about, and Amber laying face-down on the tar, her clothes torn and singed. "WHAT HAPPENED" Jakey receives no answer, and runs over to check on Amber. "come on wake up wake up" "uhhh j-jakey wh-what happened" "that's what i was about to ask you!!!" "well uh i was closing up for the night after selling just about every car i had; i had one left and was going in to order more, when two women came up and started fighting over the last one" "what's that in your pocket" Amber looks down and takes an envelope out of her breast pocket. "'dear car salesman lady sorry about the mess + knocking you out and destroying your suit!!! included is enough money to pay for the car, the suit, and some extra for the emotional turmoil - riece & anice'" Amber notices a fat stack of bills inside the envelope as well. "there's thirty thousand obnoxious celtic fun bux here!!!" "that's a lot of cash to be carrying around; then again they're almost 30 and that's when women's midlife crisises start so-" A gunshot rings out, and a bullet soars past Jakey's head. "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK" "no we're not it's just playful teasing" "with bullets" "yes" "i swear i will never understand you canadians" Amber shakes her head and limps over to the office to get the money into the safe, as one of her wings is bent in an unnatural fashion. Michelle climbs her way out of some rubble. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 007: The Morning After-a-Ganza [Amber]
"jakey i think my wing is broken watch" Amber attempts to fly, but crashes to the ground and breaks her arm. "jakey i think my arm is broken" "yeah just hold tight for half a second" Jakey cuts his hand open and bleeds all over Amber's arm and wing. "oh that feels much better; i was getting really sick of walking so much" "yes, that is definitely everyone's chief concern when they break a limb" "i don't know about you lightweight humans but we pixingtons have a much higher tolerance for pain, due to the frequency at which we fly into bug zappers and get crushed by things" "you've flown into a bug zapper before?" "only the once, but there are tales of pixingtons who never learned from their mistakes and just kept flying into them" "oh yeah we have that sort of tale for humans only instead of bug zappers it's marriage" "how many times have you been married?" "well this one time i think i was like 21 and king bran thought it would be HILARIOUS if he legally married me to a cougar" "like an old woman?" "no like a ferocious mountain cat" Jakey pulls out his phone and shows Amber pictures King Bran took of him coming home to be mauled by a vicious cougar. "i got a nice divorce settlement afterward because of the domestic abuse though" "i'll bet" "to this day i can't hear that song jack and diane without cringing" "neither can i but for different reasons" Michelle walks into the room with a karaoke machine. "LITTLE DITTY ABOUT TAKIN' ME HOME; TWO CANADIAN KIDS FROM THE HEARTLAND"
[reward: respect +/John Mellencamp t-shirt/King Bran missions]

Mission 008: Good Things Come to Those Who Wait [Rachel]
"yo rachel how's the search for an acting career going" "uh w-well i um i have had a lot of time to work on my hobbies while i wait" Rachel motions to a lifesize macaroni sculpture of Elvis Presley. "wow you really splurged for the good shit here" "uh just between you and me, the core is just cheap store brand macaroni" Jakey's expression goes completely blank, then his eyes start to narrow and an intense frown appears on his face. He leans in over Rachel, his frown growing more intense by the moment. A bead of sweat escapes from Rachel's pores as she tries to maintain eye contact, so as not to appear weak. "you sicken me" "uh-uh-uh THIS IS JUST A PROTOTYPE THE FINAL STATUE WILL BE 100% COMPRISED OF HIGH-GRADE MACARONI FROM THE FINEST MACARONI FARMERS IN THE WORLD" "oh okay" Jakey steps back, his face returning to its normal position. Rachel wipes what seems like a gallon of sweat off of her brow as Michelle walks into the room, eating macaroni directly out of the box. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Elvis Presley jacket]

Mission 009: A Matter of Perspective [Rachel]
"so um jakey this is embarrassing but the reason you haven't seen me around since august is because i was in prison" "WHAT" "i-i-i didn't do anything bad!!! i just kind of accidentally bowled over a cop in my haste and excitement one too many times!!!" "so they jailed you for three months?" "well it wasn't my first offense i also was jailed for the same thing in september of 2014 and april of this year" "what could possibly be so exciting that you just ram into people and trample them" "the new day!!! the new dawn of life!!! i do not want to miss whatever i'm meant to be doing!!! for if i am even slightly late i may miss an opportunity!!!" "and you didn't miss any in the total of five months you've been in jail?" "..." "..." "no comment" "i think that you may have a better shot of accomplishing your goals if you weren't so overzealous about it" "overzealous?! OVERZEALOUS?! i am not overzealous!!! you are underzealous!!!" "the two aren't mutually exclusive" "your perspective is flawed!!! you are so under the 'zealous' line that any amount of zealosity seems overzealous to you!!!" "fine let's ask michelle what she thinks" Michelle looks up from her bowl of cereal. "well um i think that you should take me home"
[reward: respect +/black and white striped t-shirt]

Mission 010: Professional Testing Official [Rachel]
"jakey it's terrible!!!" "oh is that why you're smiling" "no what i'm smiling because i fear that if i stop smiling i will realise how i haven't even come close to achieving any of my dreams and then i'll never smile again SO IT IS IRRELEVANT TO THE CURRENT HAPPENINGS" "fair enough" "the members of the world restaurant organisation are protesting our restaurant!!! they are saying that its food is too delicious and cheap so they're running out of business!!!" "it's called capitalism; if you can't put out as good, cheap, or quick a product as your competitor, it's up to you to get better; competition like this is what drives our economy ever forward" "I TOLD THEM THAT BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN!!!" "oh well guess they're communists then" Jakey grabs his gun and begins to walk outside. "wait wait WAIT are you really going to KILL THEM" "uh yeah i thought that picking up my gun was enough to convey that point" "oh okay just checking!!!" Jakey heads outside and hucks a grenade into the middle of the protest, then begins picking off stragglers with his gun. "and THAT is how you defend our freedoms" "you are a model citizen jakey!!!" Michelle walks up to the upper body of a protester who is clinging onto his last shred of life and stomps on his head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/capitalism t-shirt]

Mission 011: Resistance is Futile [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey there you are; there is a resistance against the government of canada calling for them to recognise snowpeople as actual people and give them shelter and refuge from their opressor, the sun" "and what you're going to join them" "no no NO i have far GRANDER plans!!! in order to understand more about resistance resistance, i will resist their resistance and bring peace back to the canadian people!!! but uh i need a ride i can't swim" "i know the feeling come on" Jakey and Resistance Leadour hop into The Motherfucker and fly to Canada, where a group of snowpeople with corncob pipes and button noses are holding signs protesting the king for portection. "w-well i-i g-guess we c-" "DON'T GIVE UP; HOLD STRONG TO YOUR CONVICTIONS; RESIST THEIR RESISTANCE" Resistance Leadour leaps out of The Motherfucker and parachutes down into the middle of the crowd of snowpeople, settling herself in a cross-legged position to resist their resistance. "you're right i cannot give up!!!" King Jakey begins pelting the protestors with snowballs from his bedroom window. Michelle flags Jakey down on top of the castle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Jakey missions]

Mission 012: Rewarded with an Award [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey it was a success; your father is now awarding me with the canadian medal of valouriousness!!!" "and you're cool with this? you're not going to resist it?" "i considered it but being awarded the CMOV is a huge step forward for the field of resistance and will likely raise awareness of resistancely causes so it's worth it in the long run to accept the award without any fuss" "good thinking; my father has only given out the CMOV twice before and one of those was to himself" Michelle walks into the room, waving around her Canadian Medal of Valouriousness. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Michelle's Canadian Medal of Valouriousness appears at safehouses]

Mission 013: This Year's Model [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey do you trust me" "yeah of course; if i didn't i'd have already traded you in for the newest model" Jakey holds up the Canadian Royal Bodyguards catalogue. "i was not aware they made such a book" "neither was i until it started showing up on my doorstep quarterly" "ANYWAY, it is good that you trust me because i need you to steal something for me" "sweet i am down for this" "okay; go to this address and steal the item in the photograph" Jakey takes the sheet of paper from Grace. "what the fuck this is-" "VERY IMPORTANT and i would appreciate it if we kept this to ourselves" "fine whatever" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads down to the Alabamanian National Archives, where the most important pieces of Alabamanian culture are kept. Kathy sits at her desk, filing her nails. Not wanting to interrupt her, Jakey just leaves a wad of bills on her desk. "thank you muchly" Jakey sneaks into the National Film Archive, where all of the culturally significant Blu-Rays are kept, as well as favourites of King Brans throughout the years. "let's see let's see 2 fast 2 furious aladdin back to the future hmm ah here it is" Jakey grabs the Blu-Ray of Doug's Big Movie and sneaks out the way he came in. "did you get it" "uh yeah what's so special about it" "it's doug!!! you remember doug right!!!" "uh yeah" "well i wanted to watch it and i couldn't find a copy anywhere!!!" "why didn't you just download it off the internet" "WHAT no that's illegal!!!" Jakey begins to object, but thinks better of it at the last second. Michelle bangs on a trashcan in the backseat of The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Doug t-shirt]

Mission 014: Precautionary Measures [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey i have been looking at mongolian finger-painting imageboards and i have noticed a disturbing trend; it seems people hate canadians and constantly refer to us getting our reckoning on 'the day of the rake'" "i stepped on a rake once; it was very painful" "yes; i believe that their plan is to strew rakes throughout canada and have us step on them repeatedly, breaking our proud canadian noses" "ouch" "as a precaution, i have not only removed every rake from stores in both canada and alabama, but i have also set forth bills to both nations' kings to ban more rakes from entering the countries" "i admire your spirit + ambition in this endeavour; have a medal" Jakey pins a golden medal to Grace's chest. "ow" "sorry i may have gotten a bit too excited and just kind of stabbed you with it" "it is a wound i will wear with pride" "and here is one from me as well" Michelle jabs Grace in the chest with a second medal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/rake t-shirt]

Mission 015: Navy SEALS [King Bran]
"ah jakey you're just in time; i was about to check my twitter @s" "i thought you hated the internet" "oh whenever someone insults me via twitter i have little drones ruin their day; dumping garbage on them, keying their car, calling them fat, you know" "that is a great idea; i am going to have to steal it" "by all means" King Bran logs into Twitter and checks his @s. "'@kingbranxlvii ur a faget' I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS" King Bran begins to type up a reply. "'@itslit420 WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME YOU LITTLE BITCH I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY SEALS' wait fuck i hit the character limit" "just send him like fifty twitters so you can complete your thought" "no that won't do; i will have to have my IT team trace his IP and go to his house to yell at him" "smart; keep in touch with your people" "EMELYN GET IN HERE" Emelyn zips into the room, faster than the eye can see. "yes m'lord" "trace this man's IP address" "okay!!!" Emelyn sits down at the computer and begins to run a trace. "OH NO" "what's wrong?!" "HE'S BEHIND FIFTY PROXIES" "FUCK" King Bran kicks over a trash can. "guess i'll just have to send out a public statement denying the allegations that i am a faget" "JAKEY URGENT LETTER FROM @itslit420" Michelle hands Jakey a letter that reads 'ur a faget'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 016: Crime Scene Investigation [King Bran]
"okay jakey after you left and discarded your letter from @itslit420 we had it analysed in the lab" "you have a lab?" "well we didn't so we had to build one before we could analyse it but either way the results are back; we found three sets of fingerprints on the letter" "mine, michelle's, and, uh, the post lady's?" King Bran nods. "it appears the writer of the note was wearing gloves when handling the paper" "this shit ALWAYS happens; that fuck should be illegal as shit" "what fuck" "GLOVES man GLOVES; criminals ALWAYS wear gloves rendering thousands of dollars worth of fingerprint analysis equipment USELESS" "listen jakey i know you're upset but even if we ban gloves criminals will just get their hands in them anyway like with guns and drugs" "..." "..." "the obvious solution is to go back in time and prevent the inventor of gloves from ever inventing such a thing" "you'd probably end up accidentally aborting yourself as a foetus" "I'LL ABORT YOU AS A FOETUS YOU MOTHERFUCKER" "uh-huh whatever now upshut and listen; we DID however find a very suspicious-looking return address" King Bran hands Jakey a card with the address on it, and before he can utter another word, Jakey is in The Motherfucker, speeding off in the wrong direction, then looping back around after he realises his mistake. Jakey doesn't stop until he's crashed through the wall of the perpetrator's house. "SO IT WAS YOU, VALERIE" "wh-what w-was m-m-me" "DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME; I KNOW YOU SENT ME THIS LETTER" Jakey holds up the letter. "WH-WHAT I-I-I-I N-NEVER S-SENT- I-I-I-I D-DON'T E-EVEN KNOW WH-WHAT A F-FAGET IS" "THEN YOU'D DEFINITELY BE WILLING TO TAKE A POLYGRAPH TEST" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a polygraph and straps Valerie into it. The needle goes haywire and soon the polygraph paper is completely blackened. "..." "..." "well um" "I-I-I S-SWEAR I-I-I-I-I D-DIDN'T-" "i um i believe you" "o-oh th-th-thank g-god" "in my anger at the letter i neglected to consider the possibility that maybe someone put your address on the envelope instead of their own" "wh-who w-would d-do s-such a-a thing" "do you have any enemies?" "n-not th-that i know of" "all right i guess we'll have to place twenty-four-hour surveillance on this place until we catch the culprit" "o-okay" "i swear we will find this man and persecute him to the fullest extent of the law!!! by which i mean i will murder him brutally" "KILL HIM ONE FOR ME TOO JAKEY" Michelle shows Jakey a letter she'd received, which also reads 'ur a faget'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 017: Diplomacy [King Jakey]
"oh good timing son we've got the temporary ambassadors to two warring nations here and they wanted a neutral government to step in" "temporary ambassadors?" "well, their governments figured that having commoners do this would help us better see the plights of those affected by the conflict" "okay i guess that makes sense" "send them in kathy" Kathy buzzes in the temporary ambassadors to the Obnoxious Celtic Country and Ghost Alabama. Jakey holds his face in his hands. "oh hey jakey" "hey i was about to say that" "well i got to it first" "THIS time but next time i will be the prevailing party!!!" "ANYWAY, what seems to be the problem ladies" "they stole our shit!!!" "that's impossible; we are ghosts and cannot physically grab any object" "then where is our shit!!! your ghost president said 'that is some nice shit' and then the next day it was gone!!!" "did you check between the couch cushions?" "..." "..." "give me a minute" Brooke exits the room to make a phone call. "so claire how's life" "i wouldn't know" "oh right; how's death" "can't complain" Brooke returns to the throne room, face reddened. "it was between the couch cushions" "oh ho ho now i believe it's time for your people to give our people an official apology" "yeah no just because you DIDN'T steal it doesn't mean you WOULDN'T have" "oh that is fucking bullshit and you know it" "is it? is it really?" "yes jakey tell her" "tell her what" "how bullshit it is" "no tell HER how right i am" "HEY LOOK IT'S MICHELLE" Jakey runs off toward Michelle, slams her into The Motherfucker, and drives off. "thank you i am in no condition to drive; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions/Brooke missions]

Mission 018: Misplaced Confidence [Emelyn]
"jakey i finished my novel and released it last week but no one's bought it" "gee" "obviously the problem is a lack of advertising; if more people knew the book exists and what it's about more people would buy it" "well you're half right at least" "good enough for me; let's roll" "roll where" "i figured we'd just drive up and down the street handing out free samples" "free samples of a book?" "yeah like just hand people random pages from it" "i'm sure that the guy who gets the copyright information will head right down to the book store to buy it" "yeah he will see it and be like 'damn nigga that is some dope-ass copyright information'" "'and this bibliography?! shieeeeet nigga'" Jakey and Emelyn hop into The Motherfucker and set their plan into motion, raining pages of Emelyn's novel down on the crowd. Each member of the crowd reads one paragraph and discards their page, heading off to do something that definitely is not buying Emelyn's novel. "see jakey what did i tell you they liked it so much that one paragraph was enough to get them to buy it; they also left behind the pages they'd gotten so that others could read the beautiful masterwork" "whatever helps you to sleep at night" Michelle picks up all of the discarded pages and throws them into the garbage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a free signed copy of Emelyn's novel appears at safehouses, never to be read]

Mission 019: Superman That Hoe [Emelyn]
"jakey good you're just in time; my family is holding their quadrennial stockhardt family hoedown and i seem to have misplaced my hoe" "that's why you've got to have several hoes out there making you money" "what" "what do you mean 'what'" "i am talking about a gardening implement" "oh sorry i was talking about prostitutes" "listen i don't care about your business enterprises right now; i need to find my hoe and also my hat now that i think about it" "okay let's see" Jakey heads over to Emelyn's couch and feels around. "got it" Jakey pulls out a long-handled gardening implement. "so THAT'S where my rake went but uh wrong tool" "oh" Jakey drops the rake and continues to feel up the couch. "how about this" Jakey pulls out an unopened box of Cheez-Its. "jesus is there anything else in there" "one second" Jakey reaches in a third time and pulls out Michelle. "OH NO YOU DON'T" Emelyn slaps some duct tape over Michelle's mouth. "this is important; we can't be distracted yet" "okay okay um um well when i lose my phone i have someone else call it so let me try to call your hoe" Jakey dials the number for Emelyn's hoe, and it begins to ring. "ah of course!!! i left it in the fridge!!!" Emelyn grabs her hoe from the fridge and sets it next to her outfit for the hoedown. "okay so all that's left is my hat" "what kind of hat we talking about here; propeller beanie, baseball cap, euphoric fedora" "cowboy hat" "oh yeah i just saw one of those uh sheriff antony was wearing it" "THAT FUCKER" "yeah he's been wearing it for as long as i can remember" "i can't believe he would do such a thing!!! we must get it back from him regardless of the cost!!!" Michelle finally manages to rip off the duct tape over her mouth. "i was ABOUT TO SAY that i found your hat emelyn" Michelle waves a hat at Emelyn. "oh uh thanks" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hoedown outfit/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 020: Stakeout [Valerie]
"valerie i have checked all the security footage and check this out" Jakey plays a portion of video that shows a Robert Truckdriver clone outside of Valerie's window, shaking his fist in anger. "wh-why w-would he d-do s-such a thing" "that's what i'm going to find out; i have placed a trap for him tonight" Jakey and Valerie wait until night falls and they head the scream. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa The Pain" "WE GOT HIM" Jakey and Valerie rush outside to find a Robert Truckdriver clone caught in Jakey's bear trap. "WHY ARE YOU HARASSING THIS GIRL" "Wait Is That Who Lives Here? I Thought This Was Sheriff Antony's House" "no he lives on the other side of town" "Ohhhh My Plan Was To Get You To Kill Sheriff Antony For Calling You A Faget" "well SOMEONE is getting killed for this" Jakey fires his revolver straight into the Robert Truckdriver clone's skull. "justice is served" "c-can you g-get rid o-of these c-cameras n-now or a-at least th-the one i-in m-my shower" "uh no i uh need to be sure that you are safe from uh shower gremlins" "SH-SHOWER G-GREMLINS?!" Jakey nods. "young girl goes to take a shower; gremlin invades and takes nude pictures of her to sell on the internet; many such cases" "o-oh m-my g-god th-thank you j-jakey" "anything for you valerie" Michelle navigates her phone to http://www.showergremlins.net/ and sees a large selection of nude photographs of herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Shower Gremlins t-shirt]

Mission 021: The Desired Outcome [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and it swings open, knocking Jakey off-balance. "J-J-JAKEY TH-THEY'RE H-HERE!!!" "who-" "TH-THE SH-SHOWER GREMLINS!!!" "what? i just made those up they don't exist" "y-yes th-they d-do!!! i-i-i-i-i s-saw one w-with m-m-my own eyes!!!" Valerie leads Jakey into her bathroom, where she points to a large hole in the wall of her bathtub. Jakey pokes a flashlight into the hole and sees the corner of a furry little creature. "it's not moving so it's probably asleep" "b-be c-careful jakey" "okay" Jakey shoves his hand into the hole and yanks the creature out. "..." Valerie winces. "i-it's h-hideous!!!" "this is a furby" "a wh-what" "it's a child's toy" "wh-what kind of p-parent w-would buy s-something s-so scary f-for their k-kids" "oh so THAT'S where my furby ended up!!!" Michelle grabs her Furby and turns it on, making it say the message she'd had it learn. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/gaping hole t-shirt]

Mission 022: Hot Deals and Ridiculous Savings [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey can you help me check my twitter @s i'd do it myself but um" "right got it" Jakey logs into Twitter for Claire and checks her @s. "'@clairewhoisaghost ugly ghost slut hope u get ghost aids and die again' WHAT two of those three words he used to describe me are not accurate!!!" "is ghost aids a real thing" "not to my knowledge no; unless some ghost humans are wining and dining some ghost monkeys" "stranger things have happened" "'@clairewhoisaghost SIGN UP FREE 4 SWEET DEALS http://www.sweetdeals.org/ NOT A SCAM' oh boy i love sweet deals" "i think that's a scam" "what no it's not the guy even said it's not a scam!!!" "but-" "jakey you need to learn to be more trusting; click the link" "i cannot in good conscience" "COME ON we are missing out on sweet deals!!!" "what we're missing out on are computer viruses and bank account fraud" "you're such a pessimist jakey" "it's served me well over the years; i've only died what ten times?" "that's like nine more than me" "yet i'm not the one who needs someone else to operate the computer mouse" "that's a low blow jakey" "yeah that was kind of mean; how about i treat you to ghost dinner" "okay; we can use the coupons found at http://www.sweetdeals.org/ to help pay" "oh goddammit" Jakey throws his arms into the air while Michelle clicks the link. Claire's computer is instantly flooded with viruses. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/@ t-shirt]

Mission 023: Does Not Compute [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey you were right" "i would not have said what i said were it not correct; uh what did i say again" Claire points to her computer, which has blown up. "those were some really potent viruses" "yeah i've still got the ghost laptop but that can only access the ghost internet so i need a new regular computer for the regular internet" "oh jesus i can't decide whether buying a new car or a new computer is worse" "i know right; i've already scoped out a computer showroom but i'll need help to like pay the guy and also to bring the computer home and then set it up and really you're going to be here a while" "why not get michelle to do it she was the one who clicked the link" "i asked her to but she said to have you do it since you owe her one from that time she let you take her home" "..." "..." "fine whatever" Jakey and Claire hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Computerz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Orbit chewing gum. "how can i help you today" "i'd like a new computer" "what's wrong with the old one" "it got a bunch of viruses and blew up" "oh maybe you should get a mac those don't get viruses" "oh that sounds-" "like SHIT we're not babies shopkeepour we can handle a computer for adults" "oh so you want a linux machine" "i said adults not edgy teenagers" "okay so windows 10?" "windows 7 or bust" "ah fuck" Shopkeepour paces behind the counter, throwing his arms in the air. "fuck fuck FUCK" "uh-" "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME FOR HERE" "a computer with windows 7 as the operating system" "ha ha ha very funny; if microsoft catches me selling you anything but windows 10 they'll find some way to drive me out of business!!!" "okay how about if you make like you're throwing out the computer with windows 7 and i am the garbage man and just give it to me and then i will drop a bunch of money on the floor and leave it there for you to find" "that is a brilliant plan; i should start doing that with all my customers instead of selling them an operating system that doesn't actually work" Shopkeepour hands Jakey a brand new computer with Windows 7 installed, and Jakey drops a wad of bills onto the floor. As soon as the coast is clear, Michelle runs up and pockets the money. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Windows 7 t-shirt]

Mission 024: A Reasonable Inquiry [Brooke]
"hey brooke we've known eachother for a year now and i feel like it's time to ask you something i've been wondering about for a while now" "okay shoot" "what is it that you like actually do" "pardon?" "like, everyone else seems to have something about them that lends itself to discussion; vampirism, resistance, that sort of thing" "oh um i have recently taken up knitting" Brooke shows Jakey a sweater she'd made. "uh where is your head supposed to go" "..." "..." "dammit i knew i'd forgotten something why does this always happen to me" Brooke throws the sweater into the closet, on top of a sweater with one arm, and the failed "knit fingerless gloves" experiment. "so you're a forgetful seamstress?" "well not really that's more hattie's thing than mine i just dabble; my real passion is interperative dance" "what" "like, i bridge the gap between cultures through the power of dance; some guy says something and i can convey that thing's meaning to someone who does not speak the language completely through my sick moves" "okay i have to see this" "sweet let me get hattie she's a major weeb and can speak japanese" Brooke leaves the room, then comes back with Hattie in tow. "okay say something in japanese" "something in japanese" "cute" "探偵のマンハッタンとエッグベネディクトの謎" Brooke puts her hands behind her head and begins to gyrate. Four complete gyrations are achieved, then Brooke stops and places her hands on her hips. She then spins 180 degrees and bends backward until her head touches the floor. "MYSTERY?!" Just then, Erin falls from the ceiling onto Jakey, sending him flying into the closet where the sweaters are kept. "wait wait WAIT you got the word 'mystery' from that failed exorcism, but not from when hattie said it in your mother tongue?!" "oh wow that sounds like one hot mystery; allow me to solve that one" Erin grabs Hattie and rushes out of the room. "HELP" "ah shit i-" Jakey turns to see Michelle whispering in Brooke's ear. Brooke begins to stand on her right hand and touch her left foot with her left hand. "listen, i know what you said but not because of the dance" "fine then just take me home"
[reward: respect +/a homemade sweater/Gwendolyn missions/Resistance Leadour missions]