The Next Big Thing (2015)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Objection! [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey to combat this wave of terrorism we have created this thing which outclasses even the macguffin" "but my skills are the best in the land" "0/10" "no seriously" "dude how can they be best in the land if you don't have the power of the object" "what the fuck even is that" "it's an experimental device that i am going to give you" "uh-huh; hey why don't YOU try ingesting one of these 'powerful objects" "no; after my unfortunate accident while under the influence of the rubies, i have sworn off performance-enhancing gemstones" "oh well in that case, i guess i've sworn off of them too" "come on don't be a pissant" "i don't even know what that is" "it's what you are" "oh so it is a cool + handsome guy" "i said it's what YOU are" "ouch" "jakey do as you are told" Jakey reluctantly closes his eyes and Sheriff Antony shoves the object down his throat. "that was much larger than i had anticipated" "now you are ready" "for what" Sheriff Antony shrugs. "i'm not picky" Michelle crawls out of Jakey's mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Object]

Mission 002: If You Want Blood [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i am getting reports of a cult that is doing something with blood" "hmm blood is an important thing to have, so it does not surprise me that things are being done with it" "nevertheless we should go and see what exactly these things are" "fine" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop into The Motherfucker, and drive down to Blood God Incorporated. "halt what are you doing here" "We Are Delivering These Gallons And Gallons Of Blood To Our Blood God" "if he's a blood god why does he need MORE blood" "yeah shouldn't he have more blood than he knows what to do with" "Hey I Don't Make The Rules I Just Follow Them" Sheriff Antony and Jakey tail Robert Truckdriver 76 into the inner sanctum of Blood God Incorporated. "Here Is Your Blood Oh Great And Powerful Blood God" "thanks bro" Professor Eif grabs the bucket of blood and pours it into a machine. "professor eif why are you accepting all this blood" "there really isn't that much here" "i am waist-deep in blood" "this is like a thousand people, tops" "what even do you do with this blood" "did you know that you can make diamonds out of blood" "what no" "it's true i read all about it in the new alabamanian times" Professor Eif holds up a newspaper. "'blood diamonds'?!" "it is my goal to create diamonds out of blood and then sell them for outrageous prices" "you should accept donations from people, then give them diamonds made of their own blood" "that is a brilliant idea" Professor Eif writes down Jakey's idea in his blood-stained notebook. Michelle rises from the depths of the blood pool. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 003: You Got It [Professor Eif]
"jakey i have been in stiff competition for my blood-getting with the local vampires" "don't they know how futile it is to compete with a GOD" "yes you should go and demolish their apartment complex while i attend to the blood" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives to Not-Sunny Acres Apartments. "hello kathy i am here to destroy this apartment complex" "oh yes the blood god phoned ahead and said you'd be coming" Kathy steps out of the building and puts on her hard hat. "ready when you are" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a wrecking ball and smashes the apartment complex, causing the vampires inside to burn up in the sunlight. Clouds quickly roll in and the rain starts, washing away the ash. Gwendolyn opens the basement hatch, crawling into the rain. "what happened" Jakey quickly steps in front of The Motherfucker, obscuring it from view. "freak bolt of lightning" "ZEUUUUUSSSSSSS" Gwendolyn falls to her knees, splashing Kathy and Jakey with water. "i will have my revenge, or my name isn't GWENDOLYN ROSE EVERHART" Michelle crawls from the basement, covered in ash. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Not-Sunny Acres jacket/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 004: Anything at All [Professor Eif]
"jakey did you know that people just GIVE BLOOD AWAY to hospitals" "what the fuck why" "i have no fucking clue but i do know that i want it" "on it" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives to the hospital. "hello how may i help you" "kathy i am on a stealth mission so i would appreciate it if you would pretend you never saw me" "got it" Kathy gives Jakey a thumbs-up without looking up from her magazine. Jakey crawls through the ventilation system to the vent cover overlooking the blood room. "you think they'd put it in bags or something" Jakey shrugs and unpacks his vacuum cleaner, using it to suck up all the blood. Jakey takes his bags of blood and carefully sneaks them out to The Motherfucker. "thank you come again" Jakey drives back to Blood God Incorporated. "wow look at all this blood; there must be..." Professor Eif studies the bags for a moment, counting them with his fingers. "a lot" Michelle bursts out of the extraction room, covered in entrails. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vacuum t-shirt]

Mission 005: Lord and Saviour [Professor Eif]
"jakey i've got some religious groups denouncing me and claiming i am not a real god" "THE FOOLS" "GO SHOW THEM THE POWER OF A TRUE GOD" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and turns it into a plane. Jakey rises high into the air and divebombs The Motherfucker into a synagogue, drill-piercing the Earth itself and depositing him in China. "woah where am i" "ching chong" "oh hello i'd like the dinner special 1 with the white rice" "ching chong ching" "thanks" Jakey hands Restauranteur Chin his money and waits patiently in the dining area. "ching chong" "thank you sir" Jakey grabs his plate and pours his food down his throat. "ahhh" Jakey exits the restaurant, stomach full, and hops back into The Motherfucker, where Michelle is waiting with the take-out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chinese food t-shirt]

Mission 006: The Bloodiest God [Professor Eif]
"jakey i have finally collected enough blood" "you mean-" "yes COMMENCE THE PROCESS" The blood filling the room drains into a large machine. The machine crackles and pops as the blood inside slowly condenses. After several minutes, a faint "ding" is heard. "YES IT IS DONE; FIVE THOUSAND GALLONS OF BLOOD HAVE CREATED THIS" Professor Eif triumphantly holds up a small diamond. "cool where's the rest of them" "... rest of them?" Professor Eif stares at Jakey with his head cocked to the side. "yes the other diamonds made by those gallons of blood" "jakey i do not think you understand science" "i guess not" Michelle crawls out of the machine, covered from head to toe in blood. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/diamond t-shirt/diamond jacket]

Mission 007: I'm All Over My Heart's Desire [Gwendolyn]
"jakey you and i are going to kill zeus" "yes he has had it coming for a long time" Jakey peers out the window at his next door neighbour, Zeus Johnson. "i can't stand that man" "howdy neighbour!!!" "FUCK OFF ZEUS" "okay; have a great day jakey" "FUCK YOU" "no not that zeus jakey i mean the god of lightning" "oh him" Jakey hangs his head in disappointment. "fine let's go" Jakey trudges into The Motherfucker, and Gwendolyn shoves him along. Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a chariot and flies to Mount Olympus. "ZEUS" "hello" "ZEUS YOU HAVE WRONGED GWENDOLYN ROSE EVERHART FOR THE LAST TIME" "i doubt it" "ZEUS PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF JAKEY" "wait what" Gwendolyn shoves Jakey over to Zeus. "uh hi" "is what this woman says true" "i-i guess?" "then i'm afraid we must face eachother in HONOURABLE COMBAT by which i mean i will totally cheat" "not if i cheat FIRST" Jakey gives Zeus a light shove, knocking him off of Mount Olympus. Zeus falls and falls, hitting the Earth with a gigantic "thud". "oh my god you killed zeus" "i did?!" "i guess that makes you the new god of lightning" "really?!" "fuck, no" Hercules boots Jakey and Gwendolyn into The Motherfucker, sending the three crashing to Earth. The Motherfucker and Gwendolyn land on the ground softly. Jakey falls to the ground with a sickening "splet", breaking every single bone in his body and reducing his form to goo. He then regenerates completely. Michelle wakes up and peers over The Motherfucker's door. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Zeus jacket]

Mission 008: I Feel Cold but I'm Back in the Fire [Gwendolyn]
"jakey we should probably retrieve zeus's lightning bolts so that no one can use them to destroy things" "probably a good idea; we don't want anyone to be able to destroy things besides us" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to where Zeus's body fell. A man sits in a wooden chair, and smiles as he sees the two pull up. "hey we're looking for zeus's corpse to rape and pillage" "well it landed on my property so it's mine by alabama national law" "rats" "did you find any lightning bolts on his corpse" "yes and i would be willing to sell them to you for fifty bucks" "FIFTY BUCKS?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CANNED MEAT I CAN BUY FOR FIFTY BUCKS" "yes because that is what i plan to do with your fifty bucks" Brucie cocks his head to the side and grins widely. "i'll give you thirty" "fifty or no deal" "ugh" Jakey hands Brucie fifty Alabama Fun Bux, and Brucie hands Jakey Zeus's lightning bolts. "thank you for your patronage" "gwendolyn we are not going to be able to have canned meat for dinner tonight" "aw" Michelle exits Brucie's shack wearing Zeus's toga. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/canned meat t-shirt/Zeus's lightning bolts/Brucie missions]

Mission 009: Out of Control but I'm Tied Up Tight [Gwendolyn]
"okay now that we've done your stupid tasks we can finally do the IMPORTANT job of getting revenge on zeus johnson" "what did he do again" "he's a JERK" "but he sends me these amazing brownies-" "THAT IS BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO GET FAT SO THAT HE WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIS WHALE OF A WIFE" Jakey holds up a nude photograph of Hera Johnson. "yuck" "we must stop him before it is too late" Jakey and Gwendolyn enter Zeus Johnson's house and set up their revengeance; a revenge so thick with vengeance that it permeates the very air and stains Zeus Johnson's carpets as black as night. They then hide in a vent connecting their apartment to Zeus Johnson's and wait for their beautiful revengeance to take hold. "honey i'm ho-" Zeus Johnson opens the door to his apartment, and gallons of crude oil soak him from head to toe. "oh no i am allergic to crude oil" Zeus Johnson puffs up to the size of a guy who is allergic to crude oil and has been covered in said substance, blowing out his doorframe. "i am so embarassed and also going into cardiac arrest" Zeus Johnson's heart stops, and he collapses to the floor. The sheer weight of his allergies sends him careening down several storeys through the floor. Jakey and Gwendolyn high-five and head back to the apartment, where Michelle is frying up some corn. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/crude oil t-shirt/crude oil jacket]

Mission 010: Come In, Come Out Tonight [Gwendolyn]
"gwendolyn hello where are you is this a surprise party" Jakey's phone rings. "hey jakey just thought i'd let you know that i'm being kidnapped by zeus johnson's whale of a wife; i'd appreciate it if you came and rescued me but no rush" "all right; i'm not busy" Jakey hangs up and moseys on over to the apartment across the hall and knocks on the door. "hey i'm here to rescue a qt vampire" No answer is heard. "hmm" Jakey looks around for a second, then casually kicks the door in. "ah there you are; come on let's go get some steamed hams" "i'd love to but i don't really have control of the position of my body at the moment" "oh right" Jakey fires his gun at the mirror behind Hera Johnson, and it reflects back into her skull. "now come on motherfucker hamburger is having a special on plain hamburgers" "my favourite!!!" Michelle steps out of Hera Johnson's shower, soaking wet and naked. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/steamed hams t-shirt]

Mission 011: Candlesticks [Brucie]
"jakey my stock of junk is running low and as you know you cannot run a successful junkyard without junk" "yeah i mean it's in the name" "so let's go hunting for junk" Jakey and Brucie hop into The Motherfucker and drive out to the ocean. Jakey transforms The Motherfucker into a large boat. "now jakey i need you to scour the ocean floor for things that you don't know what they are; if you find something like that pull on this rope exactly forty-five times" "okay where's my oxygen mask" "uh we don't have one of those but you'll be fine" "oh joy" Jakey ties himself to The Motherfucker's winch and falls over into the water, sinking like a rock. On his way to the ocean floor, Jakey drowns several times. Eventually, Jakey spots a thing that he doesn't know what it is, and pulls on the rope exactly forty-five times. Brucie hoists Jakey up to see his bounty. "jakey that is not junk that is a mermaid" "a merwhat" "an undersea woman" "so it is junk then" "throw it back; it is illegal to buy and sell mermaids in this country if they already have a name" Brucie points to the mermaid's name tag. "aw" Jakey chucks the Melissa back into the water. Michelle surfaces, knocking Melissa straight into Jakey's chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mermaid jacket/Melissa missions]

Mission 012: Building Bricks [Brucie]
"jakey since that failed we will have to just buy some junk and sell it for much higher than we bought it for" "good idea; people love price-gouging" Jakey and Brucie hop into The Motherfucker and head to Crazy Svart's Used Junk. "hello and welcome to crazy svart's used junk where we sell things that we don't know what they are" Crazy Svart holds up an object. "like this... thing" "i'll take fifty of those uh things and twenty of these uh" Brucie closes and opens his hand repeatedly in thought. "other things" "that will be 450$" "what a steal" Brucie hands Crazy Svart his money and exits the shop. Jakey wanders through the store looking at all the... things, passing the "things that look cool but have no discernable use" display, and finds Michelle hung from the ceiling by hooks. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 013: Something Old and New [Brucie]
"jakey i am hungry for a snickers candy bar" "yes i feel the same way now that you have put the image of a snickers candy bar in my head" Jakey and Brucie head to the Snickers factory to get some Snickers candy bars. "chowdy and caramelcome to the peanutopolis snacktory" "hello we would like some snickers candy bars" "bite this chocoway sirs" Satister Peanutopolis leads Jakey and Brucie into the heart of the Snickers candy bar factory. "this is where we caramakel the substantialicious satiscandy bars" "wow" "and here we are at chower vending machinut; caramelp yourselveats to chowever many you'd chocolike" "oh boy" Jakey throws his money at the vending machine, and two Snickers candy bars fall out. "thank chew and chocome snackain any chomptime" Satister Peanutoplois returns to his chocoffice. "man i can really taste the snick" "i wish they'd release just the snick so that i could include it in all of my recipes" "word up" Jakey throws some more money at the vending machine, and Michelle falls out. "takesty me carahomel"
[reward: respect +/Snickers t-shirnut/Snickers snacket]

Mission 014: Darling, It's Better Down Where It's Wetter [Melissa]
"okay melissa i am here for our date" "i am glad that you showed up" "okay let's go" Melissa stares at Jakey from the water. "oh right" Jakey grabs Melissa and carries her into The Motherfucker, and the two head for Motherfucker Pizza. "okay we'd like a large pizza; on my half i'd like uh pepperoni and bacon" "and on mine i'll have anchovies and sausage" "oh we already have one of those made because it is our most popular pizza" Chef Amiee :3 hands Jakey the pizza, and he and Melissa go to their table. Jakey cautiously opens the pizza box, and breathes a sigh of relief when it is revealed to be eight delicious triangles. "my compliments to the chef" Chef Amiee :3 bows from behind the counter. After half of the pizza is eaten, the remains are wrapped in a travel box, and the two head back to the beach. "i had a great time" "oh good" "well i should be getting home" "right" Jakey chucks Melissa into the ocean, hitting Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Motherfucker Pizza t-shirt/vague relationship with Melissa/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 015: Take it from Me [Melissa]
"jakey it is time for us to consummate our relationship by which i mean have sex" "thank you for clarifying because i thought you wanted to cannibalise eachother" "maybe later" Melissa lies on the waterbed, nude. "come on let's go" Jakey stares at Melissa's naked body. "um" "JAKEY WE ARE DOING THIS" Melissa holds her arms out with a determined look on her face. "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR" "an instruction manual" "JAKEY NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES" "i agree that is why i would like an instruction manual" "JAKEY JUST PICK A HOLE" Jakey stares in nervous contemplation. "eenie meenie miney m-" "JAKEY BE AGRESSIVE" Jakey closes his eyes and sticks his penis into Michelle's open mouth. Michelle looks at Jakey with a disgusted, uncomfortable stare; the stare of a man who walked in on his grandparents having sex with his other grandparents. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mermaid sexual organs diagram appears at safehouses]

Mission 016: The Vidya [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i am making my masterpiece videogame" "oh wow" "yes but due to budgetary concerns i have to decide whether it should have brown or bloom" "hmm well with enough bloom you can disguise the lack of brown" "oh yes good point" Crazy Svart pulls a lever, draining all of the liquefied money into "bloom". "viola it is finished" Crazy Svart turns on the television and a blinding light erupts from it. "i can't see anything" "that means it's working" "i know what it means i'm not a casual" "s-sorry" Crazy Svart powers down the machine. Michelle stumbles around, blinded. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bloom t-shirt]

Mission 017: Vidya II: Revenge of the Casuals [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i am going to show off my new game at the greatest videogames show" "oh you mean the tokyo game show" "no i mean e3" "okay one of your statements is a lie and you need to tell me which one it is" "neither" "WRONG" Jakey pulls a lever, sending Crazy Svart into the basement. "ow" Jakey grabs Crazy Svart's new game and rushes it to E3. "HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU MY NEW GAME" "wow" "how much graphics does it have" "720" "oh good because i hate it when my games have over 1000 graphics" "is there any gameplay in this? if so i don't want it" "oh no i can safely say that we did not include any gameplay" "is there any day-one or pre-order dlc" "uh no" "what kind of developer doesn't include day-one dlc?!" "VERY unprofessional" The crowd clears out and Jakey stands alone in front of his game. Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him the latest review of his game, which says "you know Citizen Kane? Well this game is the opposite of that". "take me home"
[reward: respect +/game t-shirt]

Mission 018: If the Rain Comes, They Run and Hide Their Heads [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i have just received word that a parade is being held in my honour" "when?!" "RIGHT NOW" The parade crashes through the parade paper, scooping Chef Amiee :3 onto the lead float. Jakey, however, ends up beneath the tyres of the float. Jakey quickly scrambles to his feet and climbs onto the float. As he does, the lead float crashes into another parade. "wait what" "GUYS WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE BLOCKING MY PARADE" "No You Are Blocking Our Parade" "We Have Had This Parade Route Reserved For Months" Robert Truckdriver 39 holds up his parade reservation slip. "what even is your parade about" "It Is A Retelling Of The Ten Years' War" "A War That Has Raged On For Ten Years And Is Still Raging On Today" "For You See Ten Years Ago Our Plan To Look At Some Junk Failed" "Then Our Second Plan To Look At Some Junk Failed" "Then Our Third Attempt To Look At Some Junk Failed" "There Was No Fourth Attempt Because Back Then It Was Fashionable To Do Things In Sets Of Threes" "And We Are Nothing If Not Slaves To Fashion" "sounds reasonable" "After Our Humiliating Defeats We Decided To Steal The Brick And Use Its Single Wish To Make Those Defeats Not That" "However After Ten Years Worth Of Defeats On That Front The Robert Truckdriver Dictionary No Longer Has A Word For The Opposite Of Defeat" "that's so horrible" Jakey blows his nose on one of the giant Chef Amiee :3 robots' skirts. "What's Worse Is That None Of This Is Canon" "wait what" Robert Truckdriver 75 steps out from behind Jakey. "I Got It Robert Truckdriver" "Good Work Robert Truckdriver" Robert Truckdriver 75 tosses The Brick to Robert Truckdriver 39. "Now With The Brick's Power We Will Achieve Our Goal Which Is Totally Not What I Just Said It Was" "uh guys that's not the brick" "It's... Not?" "no that's just a regular brick" "Aw Man" Robert Truckdriver 39 tosses The Brick back to Jakey. A smile appears on Jakey's face as he catches The Brick, his left index finger pointing toward Robert Truckdriver 39, and his eyes flashing green. "HA I TRICKED YOU THIS REALLY IS THE BRICK" "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Robert Truckdriver 39 falls to his knees, and the Robert Truckdriver Parade drives away. Michelle pops out of the cupcake float. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/cupcake t-shirt/parade jacket/odd feeling that you yourself have been tricked]

Mission 019: Crime of the Century [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey there was a murder here and sting is here investigating" "oh hey jakey i'm glad you're here i could sure use your help" "i agree; take my card" Jakey hands Sting his business card. The card folds out several times at the bottom, listing all of Jakey's careers. "i've figured it out" "what already we haven't even done an autopsy" "no need; the murderer left this convenient trail of notes which all say 'follow the trail of notes which all say 'follow the trail of notes which all say 'follow the trail of notes which all say 'follow the trail of notes which all-''''" "wow i never noticed that" Jakey follows the carefully-laid trail of notes to a net on the ground. "aw man it's just a net oh but WHAT a net" As Jakey admires the net's craftsmanship, the net flings Jakey upward and traps him inside. "dude lame" Jakey checks his watch. "man when will i ever get out of here" Jakey looks around, whistling badly. "i guess it's a mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin flings out of a catapult and flies through the net, getting sliced into cubes. "wait is it made out of fishing wire" Jakey's body gets cut into cubes by the fishing wire and falls out of the net. Jakey reforms and examines the Erin cubes. "i do not like being cubes" Jakey stacks the cubes of Erin on top of eachother, but the arms keep falling off. "wait wait i can do this" Jakey glues Erin back together and then pours a vial of his latest product "Jakey Blood" onto Erin, healing her instantly. "that will never sell" "who knows in today's economy" Michelle crashes her car into the delivery truck of "Jakey's Blood", spilling the contents into the streets. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey's Blood t-shirt/Sting missions]

Mission 020: Scouts' Honour [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i have been chosen to be a guest instructor for the GIRL SCOUTS OF ALABAMA" "..." "..." "... i have to go" Jakey makes a madcap dash for The Motherfucker. Jakey dives in through the passenger's side window and pounds the gas pedal with his fist, moving the steering wheel with his feet. Jakey tears into Alabama National Park. "Councilor Jakey You're Back" "Did You Get The Firewood" "unfortunately, after searching for the last five years i have discovered that wood no longer exists" "But Councilor Jakey There Are Trees All Around Us" "i fail to see your point" "But Aren't Trees Made Of-" "robert truckdriver 186 do you not want your 'knowing what wood is' merit badge" Robert Truckdriver 186 clams up. "okay now this has been a very good camping trip; i will now award you all with your 'abandoned in the woods for eight years' merit badge" "Yay" "Hooray" "Excelsior" The Jakey Scouts sew their new merit badges onto their merit sashes. Michelle hands the Jakey Scouts a second merit badge; the "take me home" badge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey Scouts uniform/Jakey Scouts missions]

Mission 021: Hungry for You [Sting]
"jakey some troublemaker is robbing a burger restaurant" "oh no not a burger restaurant" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives to Burgerz Я Us, where Shopkeepour chews a fresh stick of Stride chewing gum. "hello may i take your order" "I Would Like All Of Your Money In This Bag" "do you want fries with that" "Sure" Shopkeepour stuffs all of the money into Robert Truckdriver 14's bag and hands him a large order of fries. "thank you have a great day sir" Robert Truckdriver 14 runs past Jakey, eating fries by the handful. "OH NO YOU DON'T" Jakey turns and tackles Robert Truckdriver 14, forcing him to the ground. "Dude Come On I Robbed That Place Fair And Square" "and yet you neglected to offer me even a single french fry" Jakey shakes his head and handcuffs Robert Truckdriver 14. "criminals these days; no respect i tell you" Jakey tosses Robert Truckdriver 14 into the back of The Motherfucker, next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/french fries appear at safehouses]

Mission 022: Lowlife [Sting]
"jakey there is a robbery going on at your house and i think you should really check it out" "if i must" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives home. "I Am Going To Steal A Large Screen Television" "How Large" Robert Truckdriver 64 thinks for a moment, then spreads his arms. "This Large" "That's Pretty Large" "I've Seen Larger" "Show-off" Robert Truckdriver 64 and Robert Truckdriver 43 don their ski masks and enter the house. "Oh Wow Look At All Of These Items That Could Be Used To Enrich Our Lives" "Dibs On The Can Opener" "Shit" Robert Truckdriver 43 runs to the kitchen and grabs the can-opener, his quest finally complete. "WHO IS STEALING MY CAN-OPENER" "Don't Hurt Us" "Oh My God It's Jakey" "Oh My God Jakey I Am Your Biggest Fan" "Can I Have Your Autograph Jakey" "oh i don't see why not" Robert Truckdriver 43 hands Jakey his can-opener, and Jakey signs it and hands it back to Robert Truckdriver 43. "Gee Thanks Mister" Robert Truckdriver 64 and Robert Truckdriver 43 skip out of Jakey's house, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/inability to open cans]

Mission 023: Someone to Talk To [Sting]
"jakey i have found out what gang is causing these problems and i would like you to infiltrate them; them being the north side robert truckdrivers" "on it" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads to Robert Truckdriver Disguisez Я Us, where Shopkeepour chews a fresh stick of Juicy Fruit chewing gum. "i need a disguise" "you've come to the right place" Shopkeepour slams a cardboard box over Jakey's head, which is coloured with crayons in the gang colours of the North Side Robert Truckdrivers. "perfect!!!" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads to the North Side. "Hello Fellow North Side Robert Truckdriver" "Hello To You Too" "How Are You On This Fine Da-Oh Shit A Rival Gang Member" "How Can You Tell" "He Is Wearing A Cyan T Shirt" "Maybe He Just Likes Cyan" "Nobody Likes Cyan Robert Truckdriver" "Good Point" "Let's Snipe Him" "But There's Just One Guy Can't We Shoot Him From Here With Smaller-Calibre Weaponry" "..." "..." Robert Truckdriver 59 rips off Jakey's disguise. "Gasp Intruder Alert" Robert Truckdriver 59 sounds the alarm, causing hundreds of armed North Side Robert Truckdrivers to surround Jakey. "I Am Going To Have To Ask You To Leave" "rats" Jakey leaves the North Side, dejected. Michelle walks up to Jakey wearing a cardboard Michelle disguise. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/North Side Robert Truckdriver disguise]

Mission 024: Meritorious Menagerie [Jakey Scouts]
"scouts my safehouse needs more items meant to draw the eye and start conversations" "I Agree The Only Conversation Starter You Have Is This Eleven Year Old Pizza That Appears To Be Alive" "I HAVE PIZZA?!" Jakey grabs the living pizza and begins to eat. "oh man this is so" Jakey's eyes widen as his stomach turns over. "THIS MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MY BEST IDEA" Jakey runs into the bathroom and begins throwing up into the toilet. "scouts please get me medication from the medication store and i will give you your 'went to the medication store because jakey ate an eleven-year-old pizza that was apparently alive' merit badge" "Oh Boy" "Now Is Our Chance To Prove Ourselves As Jakey Scouts" "Word" The Jakey Scouts march to Crazy Svart's Used Medication. "Hello We Would Like To Purchase Some Medication For Our Scoutmaster Jakey" "what kind of medication" "Having Eaten An Eleven Year Old Pizza That Was Apparently Alive Medication" "uh you have to be eighteen to purchase medication like that" "Oh Bother" "Don't Worry I Have This Covered; After All I Earned My 'Made A Fake Id' Merit Badge" Robert Truckdriver 167 holds up his fake ID. "oh sorry for doubting you mistour... ducktriver" Crazy Svart hands Robert Truckdriver 167 the medication, and The Jakey Scouts march back to Jakey's house. "Scoutmaster Jakey We Got You Your Medication" "oh great job scouts" Jakey downs the whole bottle of medication and feels instantly better. Jakey walks over to the merit badge box and gives each scout their very own "Went to the Medication Store Because Scoutmaster Jakey Ate an Eleven-Year-Old Pizza That Was Apparently Alive" merit badge. "Yay" "Hooray" "This Is This Greatest Day Of My Life" Michelle glumly looks down at her merit sash, which only has the "got taken home" merit badge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions]