The Next Big Thing (2015)

Mission 100: The Red Light Goes on to Say It's Time to Begin [Deputy Orange]
"i did it jakey i successfully sued for millions" "wow what are you going to buy" "i am going to use this money to achieve my lifelong dream" Deputy Orange puts on a black hat with a skull and crossbones on it. "i want to be a sailor" "pfft if that's what you wanted all you had to do was ask; come on" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop into The Motherfucker and drive out to the dock. "there she is; the black togekiss" "a-and i can be one of your crew" "at least for today you can; come on" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop aboard The Black Togekiss and the rest of the crew raises anchor and drops the sails. "so are we going to plunder anything" "if you'd like" Jakey steers the ship over to a small fishing boat. "GIVE US YOUR DOUBLOONS OR PREPARE TO BE SUNK" "This Is Just A Fishing Boat; We Don't Have Any-" "LOAD THE CANNONS" "But-" "FIRE" The Black Togekiss's cannons fire and sink the fishing boat. "Oh Darn" "cyanbeard, pull up the wreckage and sift through for any doubloons" "arrrrrrgh on it cap'n" "this is the life" "oh we haven't even GOTTEN to the wenches yet" Michelle exits the captain's cabin, walking sultrily. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alabama National Athletics League missions]

Mission 101: Unsportsman-Like Conduct [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"arrrrrrgh cap'n we be bein' boarded" "by whom?!" "arrrrrrgh it be the americans" "damn them what do they want this time" "arrrrrrrrgh they be sayin' our sport of orangeball be rippin' off their sport of 'basketball'" "bass...ket? ball?" The door the crew is holding shut suddenly bursts open, sending the crew flying. "hello we are lawyers and we are suing you for ripping off our proud sport of basketball" "never heard of it" "don't play coy with us mr. jakey" "no really; 'bass-ket ball' sounds like a cheap chinese knock-off of the strong alabamanian orangeball" "we did not want to have to do this but you've forced our hands" Mr. Cyanstein summons the judge into the room. "yo what's up" "you have insulted one of our proud american traditions and now you must be sentenced to LIFE IN PRISON" "wait what" "TAKE HIM AWAY" The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/orangeball jacket/One Phone Call missions]

Mission 102: There Must be Some Way Out of Here [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "sheriff antony you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of fish ball thing" "uh america's pretty far out of my jurisdiction; it's actually the only place i don't have sheriffing powers so uh good luck with that" "WAIT WAIT" Sheriff Antony hangs up. "wait wait let me get a do-over" "NO DO-OVERS" "YOU ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fish ball jacket]

Mission 103: Said the Joker to the Thief [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "kathy you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of fish stick thing" "sorry jakey; i only print the stories people care about, like this amazing piece i have about the rise and fall of burlap socks and sandals in mojavistan so uh good luck with that" "WAIT WAIT" Kathy hangs up. "wait wait let me get a do-over" "NO DO-OVERS" "YOU ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fish stick jacket]

Mission 104: There's Too Much Confusion [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "stu you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of pixie stick thing" "i will send agents to the prison right away and within four to five months we will have a flawless escape route planned for you" "MONTHS?!" "sorry got to go  get this shit started see you in a few months jakey" "WAIT WAIT" Stu hangs up. "wait wait let me get a do-over" "NO DO-OVERS" "YOU ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixie stick jacket]

Mission 105: I Can't Get No Relief [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "professor eif you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of pixel art thing" "wow that's really cool goodbye" "WAIT WAIT" Professor Eif hangs up. "THAT WAS THE WORST ONE YET" "NO DO-OVERS" "YOU ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixel art jacket]

Mission 106: Businessmen, They Drink My Wine [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "my loyal crew you've got to help me; the americans-" "arrrrrrrrgh we were there cap'n" "so can you like help?" "arrrrrrrrrrgh ye should probably be turnin' around" Jakey turns 180 degrees to see his loyal crew in the cell behind him. "FUCK" Jakey hangs up. "wait wait let me get a do-over" "NO DO-OVERS" "YOU ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/loyal crew jacket]

Mission 107: Plowmen Dig My Earth [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "valerie you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of modern art thing" "oh m-my g-god i-i will be r-right over to h-help r-right away!!!" "oh thank god" "i w-will dig you r-right out of th-there str-straight through china" "b-by hand?" "w-well it's n-not like i h-have any o-other way t-to do it" "h-how long will that take" "w-well th-the earth is p-pretty big s-so a-a year?" "A YEAR?!" "i-I'M SORRY" "it's not your fault; i'm sorry i yelled" "i-i p-promise t-to get you out of th-there j-jakey" "... thanks" Jakey hangs up and sighs. "NO DO-OVERS" "yeah, i know" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/modern art jacket]

Mission 108: None of Them Along the Line [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "father brucie you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of modern medicine thing" "the lord forgives you for your sins my son" "uh can you help m-" "i've already helped you all i can my son" "WAIT WAIT" Father Brucie hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "right" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/modern medicine jacket]

Mission 109: Know What Any of it is Worth [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "crazy svart you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of homeopathic medicine thing" "you get one phone call and you call me? i'm flattered dude but what am i supposed to do sell them some used cars" "yeah this was kind of a long-shot" "it was nice knowing you man" "you too" Jakey hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "whatever" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/homeopathic medicine jacket]

Mission 110: No Reason to Get Excited [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "grace you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of homogenised milk thing" "i will scout out the prison right away and infiltrate it and get you out right away i PROMISE YOU" "thank you SO MUCH you have no idea what this means to me" Jakey hangs up the phone and returns to his cell, smiling. "finally someone who will get resul-" The door to the cell next to Jakey's is opened and Grace is thrown inside. "i-i'm so sorry jakey" Grace looks down at her feet. "i tried so hard but they were monitoring the phone call and arrested me when i entered the country" "i'm so sorry i got you involved" Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/homogenised milk jacket]

Mission 111: The Thief, He Kindly Spoke [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "satan you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of chocolate milk thing" "chocolate milk is serious business jakey" "it may not have actually been chocolate milk but it was something trivial and stupid like that" "ARE YOU CALLING CHOCOLATE MILK TRIVIAL AND STUPID" "i-" "YOU CAN ROT IN THERE FOR ALL I CARE" "WAIT WAIT" Satan hangs up. "this is getting more and more retarded by the minute" "NO DO-OVERS" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/chocolate milk jacket]

Mission 112: There are Many Here Among Us [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "scouts you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of chocolate syrup thing" "There Isn't A Merit Badge For 'Helping Scoutmaster Jakey Get Out Of Prison For Being Imprisoned Due To Some Kind Of Chocolate Syrup Thing'" "There Is One For 'Helping Scoutmaster Jakey Get Out of Prison For Being Imprisoned Due To Some Kind Of Chocolate Milk Thing' Though" "YEAH IT WAS THAT" "You Clearly Said Chocolate Syrup" "that was a typo" "Over The Phone" "yes" "Goodbye Scoutmaster Jakey" "WAIT WAIT" The scouts hang up. "remind me to give them their 'being fucking terrible people' merit badges later" "NO DO-OVERS" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/chocolate syrup jacket]

Mission 113: Who Feel That Life is but a Joke [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "adam lambert you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of maple syrup thing" "i'll be right over" "thank you" Jakey returns to his cell and waits for Adam Lambert to come and help. "what a great friend; i really should hang out with him more" The door to the next cell is opened and Adam Lambert is thrown inside. "what happened" "they caught me trying to break down the wall of your cell with a Pokémon" "dammit i'm sorry i got you mixed up in this" Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/maple syrup jacket]

Mission 114: But You and I, We've Been Through That [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "santa you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of maple leaf thing" "you're in prison? i guess you must have done something naughty" "no wait no no i didn't i swear it's all a misunderstanding" "and to think i was going to give you extra presents this year" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" "i guess i'll just have to give them to king bran instead" "FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK" Jakey is dragged away from the phone, kicking and screaming. The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/maple leaf jacket]

Mission 115: And This is Not Our Fate [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "gwendolyn you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about my waifu, miss green" "oh so i'm not good enough for you; you've got to fulfill your fantasies with a fictional-ass ten-year-old girl" "she's 23 in the manga" "well i hope the two of you are happy together" Gwendolyn hangs up. "i probably should not have lead the conversation off that way" "NO DO-OVERS" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Miss Green jacket]

Mission 116: So Let Us Not Talk Falsely Now [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "deputy orange you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of little green men" "I KNEW IT" "wha-" "THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE JAKEY" "uh-" "NOT NOW JAKEY I NEED TO WATCH THE SKIES FOR ALIEN ACTIVITY" "WAIT WAIT" Deputy Orange hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "fuck off" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/little green men jacket]

Mission 117: The Hour is Getting Late [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "harvey you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of blue man group" "oh fuck you man now i have that song stuck in my head" "wha-" "i'm blue dabadeedabadie dabadeedabaGO FUCK YOURSELF" "THAT SONG IS BY EIFFEL 65 YOU FUCK" Harvey hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eiffel 65 jacket]

Mission 118: All Along the Watchtower [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "candice you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of vocal group" "i can't sing very well so i'm going to have to decline" "wha-" "they tell me i've got the voice of bob dylan but none of the songwriting talent" "that's not-" "sorry jakey" "WAIT WAIT" Candice hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "this is just getting ridiculous" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vocal group jacket]

Mission 119: Princes Kept the View [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "jakey you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of vocal minority" "oh man jakey i'll be over right away" "thank you so much jakey" Jakey hangs up both phones. "wait a minute..." "NO DO-OVERS" "that still went better than most of the rest of them did" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vocal minority jacket]

Mission 120: While All the Women Came and Went [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "chef amiee :3 you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of racial minority" "oh-ho man i do NOT want to deal with the publicity fallout if i have anything to do with the wronging of a minority, deserved, false, or otherwise" "but-" "i have my business to think of jakey i just can't i'm sorry" "wait please" Chef Amiee :3 hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "yeah yeah" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/black guy with afro jacket]

Mission 121: Barefoot Servants Too [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "the great cheryl you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about the daytona 500" "oh okay jerry let me cast a spell real quick" The Great Cheryl grabs her magic wand. "abra kadabra, alakazam, bring my assistant jack here in a tram" Jack White crashes into The Great Cheryl's office. "ah there you are jeremy" "MY NAME IS JAKEY FOR FUCK'S SAKE" Jakey slams the phone onto the receiver. "NO DO-OVERS" "FINE WHATEVER MAYBE PRISON WILL BE A WELCOME RESPITE FROM THESE FUCKING 'FRIENDS' OF MINE" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Daytona 500 jacket]

Mission 122: Outside in the Distance [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "erin you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons that are a MYSTERY to me" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling onto Jakey. "INTRUDER ALERT" The US police force surrounds Jakey and Erin. "... i should probably have thought that one out better" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mystery jacket]

Mission 123: A Wild Cat Did Growl [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "master you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned me for ridiculous reasons about some kind of 500 dollar bill thing" "my student; you are not yet ready to learn the ultimate technique; only when you have suffered in the prison for five plus years will your desperation grow to the point where your body will allow you to perform this technique" "YEARS?!" "call me back then my student" Kung-Fu Chad hangs up. "NO DO-OVERS" "naturally" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/money jacket]

Mission 124: Two Riders Were Approaching [One Phone Call]
"you get one phone call" "claire you've got to help me; the americans have imprisoned m-" The phone continues to ring as Claire fruitlessly tries to pick it up and answer. "I HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE IT COULD BE IMPORTANT" Claire's ghostly face becomes stained with ghostly tears as she claws her incorporeal hands at the phone, trying desperately to return the favour to Jakey. If only she knew what Jakey had wanted, she could have turned him into a ghost and led him safely away from the prison. Alas, she is unable to answer her phone and learn how she can help. "what a fucking bitch" "NO DO-OVERS" "of course" The US police force throws Jakey back into his cell. Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a portable time machine, heading back in time to redo that horrible phonecall. The US police force throws Jakey into the squad car and drives him off to prison. In the backseat of the squad car, Michelle turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ghost jacket]