The Next Big Thing (2015)

Mission 025: Hectic Hijinks [Jakey Scouts]
"good morning scouts" "Good Morning Scoutmaster Jakey" "scouts i accidentally scheduled two different dates tonight with two different women in the same restaurant at the same time, and as a special twist, the restaurant is run by one of my other girlfriends" "Oh Dear" "Can't You Reschedule One Or Both Of The Dates" "NO don't be silly; scouts, would you like to earn your 'helping scoutmaster jakey go on a date with two different women at the same time' merit badge" "Would We Ever" "then let's gooooooooooooooooooooooo" Jakey and the Jakey Scouts hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Peter Stillman Memorial Park. "oh hello jakey" "GUITARIST JULIA HELLO HOW ARE YOU THIS MORNING" "it's midnight" "so it is isn't it? well nice seeing you got to go bye" "wait i wanted to talk about my feelings" "talk about them with robert truckdriver 185" "Hello" "oh thank god you're here; i have been having so many feelings lately it's just crazy" Jakey slides into his seat across from Construction Candice. "hello construction candice how are you this evening" "i've been great!!! there are so many things i want to tell you" "that's great!!! tell them to robert truckdriver 156 and he will relay to me the details later" "CAN DO" Construction Candice salutes Jakey as he walks off to sit across from Gwendolyn. "gwendolyn hello how are you this evening" "can't complain" "good good that's good" "well bye" "see you around" Gwendolyn grabs Robert Truckdriver 149 and walks off, carrying him under her arm. "congratulations scouts; our plan went off without any hitches" "Wooh" "Yay" "Hooray" "in fact, it went so well that i will also give you your 'making one of scoutmaster jakey's zany schemes go better than planned' badge" "This Is The Greatest Day Of My Life" "I Can Fix That If You'd Like" "Would You? My Doctor Says That I Am Not Allowed To Have Another The Greatest Day Of My Life After What Happened Last Time" Robert Truckdriver 173 touches his hand to his chest, running his fingers down the length of his scars. Michelle pops up from a trash can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Guitarist Julia missions/Construction Candice missions/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 026: Ghoulish Glory [Jakey Scouts]
"scouts there have been sightings of a ghost inside the local WAL*MART and king bran himself has called for us to get that ghost out of WAL*MART by any means necessary so he can do his shopping" "A Gh-Gh-Ghost?!" "now scouts i will give you a choice; you can either come with me and earn your 'got a ghost out of WAL*MART by any means necessary so king bran can do his shopping' badge, or you can stay here and get your 'decided to be a fucking pussy' badge" "That Second Badge Sounds Pretty Sweet" "yeah if you're a PUSSY" "Isn't That Kind Of Implied By The Acquisition Of Said Badge" "ANYWAY everyone who isn't a fucking pussy load up in the van" Jakey heads over to The Motherfucker in its van form, and looks around to see that he wasn't followed by any of his scouts. Jakey chucks a dozen "Decided to be a Fucking Pussy" merit badges out the window of The Motherfucker and drives to WAL*MART. "oh thank god you're here; the ghost was wreaking havok on the build-a-bear workshop!!!" "NOT THE BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP" Jakey rolls up his sleeves and stomps off to the Build-a-Bear Workshop. "wait where's your crew" "they decided to be fucking pussies" "oh i hate it when that happens" "i could use your help if-" "NOPE" Kathy slams down the steel curtain dividing her office from the rest of the WAL*MART. Jakey can faintly make out a sign on the curtain saying "No Ghosts Allowed". "fuck" Jakey cautiously heads into the Build-a-Bear Workshop, where he finds the ghost sobbing in a corner. "I JUST WANTED TO BUILD A BEAR BUT I CAN'T PICK UP ANY OF THE PARTS BECAUSE I'M A GHOST" "oh hey claire" "JAKEY YOU HAVE TO HELP ME BUILD A BEAR" "you want the build-a-ghost bear workshop next door" "oh thanks" Claire phases through the wall into the neighbouring Build-a-Ghost Bear Workshop. "well my work here is done" Jakey dusts off his hands and turns to head out of the WAL*MART, but runs into Michelle, who hands him a bear she built at the Build-a-Bear Workshop. Jakey presses its stomach, causing it to say "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Michelle's Build-a-Bear appears at safehouses/King Bran missions/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 027: Fire of Unknown Origin [Crazy Svart]
"jakey we have reports of a fire" "ON IT" Jakey slides down the fire pole and hops into the firetruck, speeding out of Crazy Svart's Used Firefighters. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" Jakey sees his target, a house set ablaze, and stops the firetruck. "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM MA'AM" Kathy stares at Jakey, mouth agape, and flings her hands out to the side while the building behind her burns. "i don't speak sign language ma'am" "THE BUILDING BEHIND ME IS ON FIRE AND I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE THE OPPOSITE TO BE TRUE" "oh why didn't you just say so" Jakey unravels the fire hose and hooks the truck up to a hydrant. Jakey carefully aims the hose at the burning building and fires streams of high-pressure water at it, dousing the blaze. Soon, there is no fire left in the building. Jakey hands Kathy a slip of paper and hops back into the fire truck. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" "FIVE HUNDRED ALABAMA FUN BUX?!" Kathy cautiously glances from side to side and pops the bill into her mouth, swallowing it whole. Kathy begins to whistle, and walks over to the burnt building. "OOPS" Kathy kicks the building over, and the pieces of it and the people inside it fall into the back of the Kathymobile. Kathy cranks the radio as high as it will go, blasting "Wannabe" to mask her nervous, maniacal laughter. She drives the Kathymobile to the pier, where she accelerates and dives out of the Kathymobile just before it hits the water. The Kathymobile sinks to the ocean floor, sending its secrets down with it. Kathy nervously laughs as she walks away from the scene of the crime. Michelle walks onto the beach from the ocean floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/firefighter outfit/Kathymobile appears at the pier]

Mission 028: Lifeline [Crazy Svart]
"jakey someone has called to rent an ambulance" "ON IT" Jakey slides down the hospital pole and hops into the ambulance, speeding out of Crazy Svart's Used Ambulances. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" Jakey sees his target, a man bleeding to death. "HERE'S YOUR AMBULANCE SIR" Jakey hops out and salutes the dying man, turning on one heel and walking off with his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. The back door of the ambulance flies open, and Michelle rolls out on her stretcher, flying into Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/doctor outfit]

Mission 029: Two's Company [Guitarist Julia]
"jakey being a solo artist has been rated by kathy magazine as 'not that cool'" "oh wow; if kathy magazine says it then it must be true" Guitarist Julia nods. "that is why i have decided to form a band" "good idea; bands have been rated by kathy magazine as 'decent'" "and if there's anything a person should strive for, it's decency" "agreed" Jakey and Guitarist Julia hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to Tromboner Bill's house. "tromboner bill will you join my band" "i don't join just anyone's band; what genre of music are you playing" "progressive post-deathcore grindstep-fusion" "sorry but the latest thing is progressive post-lifecore grindstep-fusion" "i can change baby i swear" "it's too late" A single tear streams down Tromboner Bill's face. "much too late" "what if i give you this shiny nickel" "DEAL" Guitarist Julia and Tromboner Bill shake hands as Michelle exits Tromboner Bill's house, smashing two cymbals together. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/trombone t-shirt]

Mission 030: Three's a Crowd [Guitarist Julia]
"jakey i have found a third band member for the band" "oh boy" "he should be at the laundromat" "a popular hang-out for musicians" Jakey and Guitarist Julia hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the laundromat. "hello laundro-matt have you seen any musicians around" Laundro-Matt points at a man ogling the clothes dryers. "oh yeah baby work that laundry" "hey would you like to join a band with me and tromboner bill" "what is the band's name" "inflatable sadness" "aw man what a drag" "do you have any suggestions" "yes, it should be called 'inflatable laundry'" "GENIUS" The dryer slowly stops turning, and Michelle climbs out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/laundry t-shirt]

Mission 031: Four's a Motorsport [Guitarist Julia]
"okay now that we have a tromboner and a pan flutist, we only need one more person to make this band a success: jack white" "of course; can't have a band without jack white" Jakey and Guitarist Julia hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to Jack White's house. "hey jack white want to join my band" "well i was planning a the white stripes reunion, but okay" "yay" Michelle stumbles out of Jack White's house, drunkenly playing a banjo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/banjo t-shirt/pan flute t-shirt/Jack White missions]

Mission 032: The Wait is Over [Construction Candice]
"jakey great news we finally are able to erect that building we've been trying to erect" "oh boy i have been marking off my calendar(s) every day since that was a thing i was aware of" Jakey holds up his calendar(s) from 2006 to 2015. "as have i" Candice holds up her calendars from 2006 to 2015. "oh i had no idea you liked puppies" "i suppose i've hidden it well" "so what kind of building was it we were erecting again" "uh i don't remember" "oh good" "let's just erect a wal*mart" "can never have too many wal*marts" Candice and Jakey glue together some cobs and slap together a WAL*MART. Michelle exits the WAL*MART with a cart full of Marth Amiibos. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/box of Marth Amiibos appears at safehouses]

Mission 033: Who Put the "Glad" in Gladiator? [Gwendolyn]
"jakey something horrible has happened" "oh no how did i not see this coming" "zeus johnson's son, hercules johnson, is back from college and has found out about his father's and mother's murders" "oh yeah those were some good times" Gwendolyn nods. "regardless of how fond those memories have become, right now they are going to cause us trouble" "that is fine with me, as i have a plan" Jakey and Gwendolyn get to work on Jakey's masterful plan; a plan so masterful that Jakey ought to be crowned "Master of Plans" then and there. He briefly considers calling the National Planning Committee, but quickly decides against it, as he is confident that his plan will speak for itself. Hercules Johnson kicks down the door to Gwendolyn's apartment, wearing his regulation Alabama University Fighting Holocaust Survivors uniform. His veins bulge as gallons and gallons of steroid-infused blood trickles through his 5'3" frame. "uh shorty, you do know that the holocaust didn't actually happen right" "FIVE-FOOT-THREE IS THE AVERAGE MALE HEIGHT" "sorry what was that; i couldn't hear you down there" Enraged, Hercules Johnson charges into Gwendolyn, setting Jakey's plan in motion. Gwendolyn quickly side-steps the assault and smacks Hercules Johnson with a frying pan. Hercules Johnson appears unfazed. "UH JAKEY THAT DIDN'T WORK" "..." "..." "well that's all i got" "HAHA YOU CANNOT STOP ME FOR I AM-" A gunshot rings out as Hercules Johnson looks down, terrified, to find a hole where his heart is supposed to be. A smile appears on Jakey's face as he holsters his gun, his left index finger pointing toward Hercules Johnson, and his eyes flashing green. "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THAT WAS ALL I GOT" "damn you" Hercules Johnson falls to the floor, dead. As the steroids drain from his body, his form diminishes down to nothing. "i told you it was a great plan" "indeed you did" Gwendolyn tosses Hercules Johnson's body down the laundry chute, where Michelle throws him in the washing machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alabama University Fighting Holocaust Survivors jersey/Alabama University Fighting Holocaust Survivors Jacket]

Mission 034: Whose Daring Deeds are Great Theatre? [Gwendolyn]
"jakey apparently today is the day of the super big bowl and hercules johnson was a second-string player so someone needs to replace him on arguably the most important string" "you know i used to play sportsball back in high school" "no you didn't; you played john madden's sportsball 2001 in high school, over half a decade after it came out" "oh right" "we need a professional second-string sportsball player" "DID SOMEBODY SAY SECOND-STRING" "oh my god it's harvey" "I AM READY TO GIVE IT MY ALL ON THAT BENCH TODAY" "that's the spirit" Harvey puts on his helmet and runs into the Alabama University International Sports Field Dome, taking his seat on the bench next to legendary second-string sportsball star, Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Harvey Kinkle missions]

Mission 035: Taking Up Arms [King Bran]
"AS YOU KNOW, our countries are at war with eachother" "i wouldn't really call america my country" "you're the fucking president!!!" "yeah but i'm banned for life from ever setting foot on american soil" "but you're the one with the power to make every decision america faces!!!" "PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHA WOW you really don't know how american government works do you" Beads of sweat pour down King Bran's face. "listen, 'president of the united states' is just a vanity title, like 'pope' or 'Pokémon league champion'" "but but" King Bran glumly looks down at his Hoenn Pokémon League Champion belt. "it's okay, we've all been there" Jakey holds out his Johto Pokémon League Champion belt, a single tear streaming down his face. "it will all be okay" Michelle walks into the room showing off her new Kalos Pokémon League Champion belt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Johto Pokémon League Champion belt]

Mission 036: Putting Down Arms [King Bran]
"AS YOU KNOW, our countries are at peace with eachother" "fuck yeah they are" "to fifty more years of peace between alabama and canada" "sorry, you mean 'canada and alabama'" "no, i meant what i said" Jakey tilts his head down and looks at King Bran past the top of his head. "do you mean to insult my nation's honour" "no but alabama has so much more honour than canada it isn't even funny" Jakey recoils in disgust and anger, then splashes King Bran with the contents of his glass of arsenic. "you do realise that this means war" "i do now" Jakey storms out of Alabama Hall and calls for his troops. Because he didn't use a megaphone, the only one who shows up is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canadian Royal Military missions]

Mission 037: Little Supernovas in My Head [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey i am bad at being a ghost can you help me" "i can't say i have any experience in the field" "yeah i didn't either but this job was just kind of thrust upon me" "my sympathies" "my boss has told me i need to prove myself so he set me up with a high-profile client who wants to be haunted can you help me haunt him" "i'll uh see what i can do" "thanks you're" Jakey and Claire hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to Sheriff Antony's house. "knock knock" "who's there" "your delivery" "oh boy oh" Sheriff Antony opens the door wearing his robe, bunny slippers, and trademark hat. "OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo I aM a GhOsT" "oh good you must be from the agency; i need you to haunt this house so the children who come here and ask for candy all the time will leave forever rather than just temporarily because i am running out of candy" "i'm on it sir" Claire salutes Sheriff Antony. "oh no they are coming" Sheriff Antony grabs Jakey by the neck and drags him into the house. "rude" "Trick Or Treat" "I cHoOsE tRiCk MoThErFuCkErS" "Oh No A Ghost" "I Am Scared" "I Am Also Scared" "But Our Valiant Leader Has Instructed Us To Obtain Candy From Sheriff Antony's House" "hey guys come on don't ignore me i'm a spoopy ghost" "I've Seen Spoopier Desu Senpai" "Word Up My Nigga" "So To Reiterate: Trick Or Treat" "fine whatever" Claire tosses some candy to the Jakey Scouts. "Oh Boy Now We Can Get Our 'Trick-Or-Treated Successfully At Sheriff Antony's House For A Week Straight' Badge" "Being A Jakey Scout Has Never Before Been So Rewarding" "Word Up Senpai" "the JAKEY scouts?!" "um there are a lot of jakeys around you can't prove shit about shit sheriff antony i mean fuck my father is a jakey as was his father before him i mean fuck and i have all kinds of cousins so in conclusion they're not mine fuck off now if you'll excuse me i've got some unrelated business to take care of that has nothing to do with the merit badges in my pocket i just collect them you baka" Jakey casually walks off into the chimney before realising the door is located on the opposite wall. In order to disguise his mistake, Jakey begins to climb up the chimney. When he gets halfway up, Michelle falls from the sky onto him, sending him falling down and breaking his neck. "take me home senpai"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions/Jakey Scouts missions]

Mission 038: Little Soft Pulses in My Den [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"this just in: law enforcement is on the lookout for a ghost who (poorly) haunted the sheriff last night; a reward is being offered for anyone who can find the ghost in question" "pfft look at this shit 'ghosts'" Professor Eif flips off the television. "so unscientific" The lights suddenly cut out. "oh not these hoodlums again" Professor Eif walks over to the window and peers outside, but finds not a soul. "hmm i guess they must have had a stealth helicopter" "s-STEALTH HELICOPTER?! that is the stupidest shit i've EVER heard" Claire appears in a flash of lightning. "OoOoOoO i Am A gHoSt" "sure you are kid" "wh-what?!" Professor Eif dons his nightcap and heads to bed. "but-but i-and if but you" Claire slaps her face and prepares for round two. "So YoU'rE nOt EvEn A lItTlE sCaReD" "nope" "Uh-Uh WhAt If I uH" "you got nothing kid" "b-but i" "listen i don't believe in ghosts; go bother someone else" "please believe in me" "no" "b-but if people stop believing in ghosts we'll cease to exist" "you never existed in the first place and here is why" As Professor Eif begins to explain the scientific impossibility of ghosts, Claire begins to fade away. "damn you and your cold science" Jakey rushes in as Claire begins to fade to nothing. "n-NO please don't go" "sorry jakey i have been scientifically disproven" "w-well I DON'T BELIEVE IN SCIENCE" "WHAT" Professor Eif sits up straight. "how can you not believe in science" "i just don't believe it's a real thing; it's stupid bullshit born from the overactive imaginations of bored adults" "b-but i-" Professor Eif begins to sweat. "j-jakey" "i don't believe in THE WATER CYCLE or PLATE TECTONICS; i only believe in what i can see and what i see is a very sad ghost being MURDERED by some cunt in a lab coat" "well technically i'm already-" "science is just a passing fad to be outed by the next big thing" "nice title drop btw" "thx i worked hard on it" Michelle enters from the side hatch. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Next Big Thing t-shirt/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 039: Little Souvenirs and Secrets Shared [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"and in further news, two separate locations have been haunted within the span of two days; one more is needed before it reaches 'epidemic' status and i for one would hate to be the poor hauntee" "as would i, news reportour" Crazy Svart clicks off the news. "luckily, i've taken PRECAUTIONS" Crazy Svart holds up an old vaccuum cleaner. "i've watched the movies" Suddenly, the power is cut to the entire building. "WAIT SHIT MY VACCUUM NEEDS TO BE PLUGGED IN TO WORK NOOOOOOOOOO" Crazy Svart grabs a flashlight off the shelf. "OH FUCK NO MY FLASHLIGHTS ALSO NEED TO BE PLUGGED IN TO WORK" "D-d-Do ThEy AcTuAlLy MaKe SuCh A tHiNg" "oh yes the premise is to not require constant purchases of batteries" "Oh ThAt MaKeS sEnSe" "also how'd you get in here the doors are all locked so you couldn't get in unless you're a-a-OH GOD IT'S A BURGLAR" "no i'm the burglar" Jakey waves from across the room before realising he can't be seen in the darkness. This embarrasses him slightly, but since no one actually saw it, the blow is softened a bit. "oh then you must be the-the-THE GHOST" Crazy Svart runs around in circles with his arms above his head, screaming. "WeLl ThAt WaS eAsY" Jakey shoves a bunch of knick-knacks into a bag. "let's roll" Claire grabs Jakey from the ethereal realm and phases him through the wall. "what did we get" "let's see we got a snowglobe, a deck of cards, a pack of matches, a hotel lamp, and uh this thing" Jakey holds up Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hotel lamp and snow globe appear at safehouses/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 040: Little Off-Guard and Unprepared [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"another haunting has taken place, taking this spate of hauntings to 'epidemic' status" "we did it jakey!!! now i won't lose my job" "hooray" "i don't know how i can ever thank you" "don't mention it; i'm just doing random bullshit until some kind of major event happens" "you really helped me out and i'm very grateful" "yes i gathered that" Claire begins to pull off her turtleneck. "i am so very very grateful" "so i've heard" "um i don't know how i can be more clear about this" "neither do i; you're saying the same thing over and over" "..." "..." "w-well bye i guess" "goodbye claire" Claire puts her turtleneck back on and leaves the house. "what a nice lady" Michelle crawls out from under Jakey's bed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/haunting t-shirt/news t-shirt]

Mission 041: Who's to Say [Jack White]
"jakey my new dentists shop is booming business-wise" "i'll bet" "but a lot of customers have come here asking for pasta dishes so i need to get some equipment to make pasta so i can make it al dentist" Jakey's ears begin to bleed, his eardrums commiting suicide from how horrible that pun was. An intense migraine forms as his brain attempts the same. He gets better quickly. "all right let's go" Jakey and Jack White hop into The Motherfucker and head to Pasta Potz Я Us, where Shopkeepour chews a fresh stick of Zebra Stripes chewing gum. "yo i'd like a pasta pot" "you are the second dentist to come in today and ask for that" "r-really?" "yes; manager taylor is still trying to recover from the bad pun" "so cold" Manager Taylor rocks back and forth, skin pale and eyes bloodshot. "just take it and go" Shopkeepour shoves the pot at Jack White, and he and Jakey return to the office. "that went well" "assuming manager taylor doesn't commit suicide of course" "r.i.p." Michelle runs out of the operating room with a giant dentist's drill. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pasta shirt]

Mission 042: Though I Hear You Calling, I Will Not Answer [Jack White]
"jakey i am starting A NEW BAND would you like to be in it" "i'd love to but then i'd have to get new business cards and at this point it costs 1000$ to make a single business card as i have a lot of business" "oh that makes sense" "well bye" "bye" Michelle enters the room holding her electric kazoo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jack White's New Band t-shirt]

Mission 043: Catching Up [Harvey Kinkle]
"harvey what have you been up to it's been nearly a decade" "i had to traverse the jungles of france with your help to find the cure for my mother's disease" "... my help? i can't say i remember helping" "oh right i almost forgot get in this time machine and help me traverse the jungles of france so as to not cause a time paradox" "oh good idea" Jakey hops into the time machine and warps back in time. "yo harvey i'm here from the future to help you traverse the jungles of france" "oh good these natives are supposedly bloodthirsty savages" "oh dear" "BONJOUR" "uh bonjovi to you too m8" "omlette du fromage" "oh my favourite is livin on a prayer but that one's good too" "i've never heard of that one" "i think it was on the outtakes box set so i'm not surprised" "baguette" "what's he saying jakey" "well uh it's like a purse or a handbag; you know a bag for the ladies" "oh no thanks sir" "bon appetit" "oh boy meal time" Jakey and Harvey sit at the table, where they are served two steaks. "oh boy oh i love steaks" Jakey cuts into his steak, to reveal the inside as a bright pink. "what the fuck did you even cook this" Jakey looks up in horror to see the natives pouring ketchup on their steaks. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Harvey drags Jakey from the table, kicking and screaming. "SO HELP ME I WILL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU FOR RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD STEAKS I MEAN FUCK YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME ANYWAY WITH THAT UNCOOKED MEAT YOU FUCKING COWARDS COME ON AND FIGHT ME M8 I SWEAR TO ME MUM I WILL KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT I HAVE KILLED FOR LESS DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH FUCKERS I AM THE PRINCE OF CANADA YOU WILL ALL RUE THE DAY YOUR PARENTS BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD FOR I WILL RAIN THUNDER AND SHIT FURY DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD" Jakey pants and attempts to catch his breath. "'savages' does not even begin to describe-" "oh hey look i found the herb we can leave now" "good idea" Jakey presses the remote call button on The Motherfucker's key thing and flies the two high into the air. "IT'S TIME FOR AN ETHNIC CLEANSING MOTHERFUCKERS" Jakey drops a small nuclear bomb onto France, and speeds away, escaping the blast. France is wiped off the map, never to be heard from again. The world's reaction is overwhelmingly positive. The New York Times gave the nuclear bombing of France five stars, calling it "the Citizen Kane of ethnic cleansings", and stating that they "can't wait to see what Jakey does next". Michelle's reaction was a bit more moderate, only saying "take me home"
[reward: respect +/copies of the New York Times appear at safehouses]

Mission 044: O Canada [The Canadian Royal Military]
"canada is a nation of peace but in order to remain at peace, sometimes we must go to war" Jakey begins to pace back and forth in front of his troops. "SO IT IS with a heavy heart that i, in my role as the prince of canada and thus head of the canadian military, must lead my troops into war against the nation of alabama; i did not want to go to war, but recent events have forced my hand" Jakey stops pacing and turns toward his men. "men, i know that the last thing any of you want is to die on foreign soil, and it will pain me to reconvene here without any one of you, but what we do now, we do for the glory of canada" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek as the Canadian flag rises on the flagpole. The music of the Canadian national anthem begins to play, and everyone in attendance sings as one, fighting back single tears. "o canada our home and native land; true patriot love in all thy sons command; with glowing hearts, we see thee rise; the true north, strong and free; from far and wide, o canada, we stand on guard for thee; god keep our land glorious and free; o canada we stand on guard for thee; o canada we stand on guard for thee; o canada, where pines and maples grow; great prairies spread and lordly rivers flow; how dear to us thy broad domain, from east to western sea; the land of hope for all who toil, the true north strong and free; god keep our land glorious and free; o canada we stand on guard for thee; o canada we stand on guard for thee; o canada, beneath thy shining skies, may stalwart sons and gentle maidens rise to keep thee steadfast through the years, from east to western sea; our own beloved native land; our true north strong and free; god keep our land glorious and free; o canada we stand on guard for thee; o canada we stand on guard for thee" Jakey presses the big red button, launching a nuclear missile from its silo. "o canada, we stand on guard for thee" The missile is bright white, with a red tip and fins, and a red maple leaf on the side. The missile heads for its destination, but is destroyed over the ocean when another nuclear missile crashes into it. "GODDAMMIT THAT WAS OUR LAST NUCLEAR MISSILE" Jakey throws his hat to the ground in disgust and storms off. Michelle finishes the fourth verse of O Canada, then turns to her brother. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canadian Royal Miltary uniform/Maple Leaf jacket]

Mission 045: Our Home and Native Land [The Canadian Royal Military]
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OUT OF NUCLEAR MISSILES" "well i-" "I TOLD YOU NOT TO NUKE FRANCE THEY WOULD HAVE DIED OF E COLI ANYWAY" "but but-" "prince jakey i am stripping you of your position until you prove yourself worthy of command" "WHAT BUT WHO WILL LEAD OUR MILITARY IN THIS TIME OF STRIFE" "eh i'll just have my secretary do it" Kathy waves from across the room. "o-oh yeah that's a good plan" "i would have had princess michelle do it but i never can seem to find her but i digress you're dismissed" "aw man" Jakey mopes out of the throne room. "yo jakey since i'm acting commander of the canadian royal military i'm going to need your uniform" Jakey strips down to his underwear and hands Kathy his uniform. "kthx" Kathy heads to the dressing room while Jakey mopes onto the streets. The soldiers look at him disdainfully as he trudges through the cold snow. "i've made a lot of mistakes in life, but this might just be the second-biggest mistake i've ever made" Jakey hurls himself into a snow bank, which is promptly shoved forward by a snowplow piloted by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/nuclear missile t-shirt/nuclear missile jacket]

Mission 046: True Patriot Love in All Thy Sons Command [The Canadian Royal Military]
Jakey stands at the door to the royal palace, dropping eves on the conversation between King Jakey and General Kathy. "general kathy our top spy hasn't reported in" "oh no not stu" King Jakey nods grimly. "it's up to you to find our spymaster" Kathy salutes King Jakey and spins around to begin her search. "that's IT if i can find stu they will be forced to give me back my title" Jakey ponders for a moment. "but how will i solve this conundrum; it is quite an unusual circumstance, an enigma, if you will" "holy FUCK just say mystery already" "oh hey erin want to help me find stu" "you know i can't help with SHIT until someone says mystery" "but-" Erin stares holes into Jakey. "m-mystery" "FUCKING FINALLY let's go" Erin grabs Jakey by the hand and drags him to Stu's office. "wait there is a note here" Jakey looks at the note, which reads "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ". "this is obviously some kind of encoded message" "what it's just the alphabet" "maybe to an untrained normie like yourself but i know that there is a message here for us" Jakey looks over the paper. "... P... Q... R... S... THERE IT IS" "what" "S. T. U. STU IS IN TROUBLE" "jakey that's just how the alphabet-" "HE OBVIOUSLY LEFT THIS HERE FOR US; SEE THE R IN FRONT OF 'STU'?! IT MUST STAND FOR 'RESCUE'; WE MUST RESCUE STU" "but-" "NO TIME WE HAVE TO GO" Jakey grabs Erin by the hand this time, drags her into The Motherfucker, and speeds off. "even if you're right, it doesn't tell use where to rescue him from" Jakey laughs to himself. "again, you underestimate stu; after his name there is a V and a W which obviously means he's trapped in the volkswagen dealership" "but-" Jakey stares holes into Erin. "o-okay" Jakey pulls The Motherfucker into the parking lot of Volkswagenz Я Us. "ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE" Jakey fires his gun into the dealership wildly. "thank god you found me guys" "yeah we got your message" "but-" "leaving that message took a lot out of me; i had to travel back in time and change the alphabet so no one would catch on" "but-" "stu you're a genius" "but-" "you're just upset because you didn't think of it" Erin hangs her head. "yes" Jakey and Erin untie Stu from the chair and the three hop into The Motherfucker and head for home. "yo father we totally found spymaster stu" "oh wow maybe i was wrong about you" "does this mean i get my job back?!" "no" "aw nuts" Jakey kicks a small rock in disappointment. The rock flies through the air and doesn't stop until it hits Michelle in the left breast. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Volkswagen t-shirt/Stu missions]

Mission 047: Do or Die [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey tonight is my weekly poker night with my favourite friends" "y-you mean i'm not your favourite friend?!" Sheriff Antony begins to sweat bullets. "no uh you're my best friend OBJECTIVELY but not my favourite" "o-oh okay that makes sense" Sheriff Antony wipes the sweat from his brow. "anyway i need you to hide in the air vents and tell me what my opponents' cards are; i usually have deputy orange do it but he came down with cholera so" "I'M ON IT" Jakey leaps into the air vent and waits for hours until poker night begins. "hello favourite friends and welcome to poker night" "wooh" "hooray" "yay" Everyone takes their seats around the table, and Jakey grabs his binoculars and walkie-talkie as the cards are dealt. "okay sheriff antony this guy's got pocket aces" "uh i fold" "me too" "also me" "aw" The next hand is dealt. Sheriff Antony eyes his pocket kings and unconciously pulls down his pants and begins to masturbate furiously in sheer ecstacy. "uh i fold" "me too" "also me" "aw man" "yo sheriff antony have you ever noticed that you have a slight tell when you get a good hand" "what do you mean" Sheriff Antony pulls up his pants and wipes his hands with a wet napkin. "well it's subtle but when you get good cards you kind of pull down your pants and rub one out and it's kind of like a geyser of semen" "i-i hadn't even noticed" Sheriff Antony excuses himself from the table and grabs a chastity belt from the shelf. "this ought to do the trick" Jakey looks out the vent cover at the cards of one participant of the poker game, not even noticing the participant's true identity. The participant catches a reflection off one of Sheriff Antony's Marcus the Gangster collector's plates, turns around, and walks right up to the vent. It is at that moment, staring into the participant's deep blue eyes that he realises it is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/poker t-shirt/poker jacket/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 048: Doctor Doctor Give Me the News [Jakey Scouts]
"scouts it is time to get your 'got your flu shot' merit badge" "I Am Down For This, As I Have Been Worried About The Flu For A While Now" "I Agree, It Is A Terrible Disease That I Do Not Wish To Acquire" "Word Up My Nigga" Jakey and the scouts pile into The Motherfucker and drive to the hospital. "yo kathy is the doctor in" "well doctor vladimir called in sick so we have doctor trent in as a replacement" "we would like to see doctor trent" "head right in" Kathy buzzes the group into the office, and the scouts sit down on the doctoring bed. "HELLO CHILDREN" "Wooh Yay" "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK" "Yes We Are Doctor Trent" "great!!!" "hello doctor trent these children would like some flu shots" "UM SORRY i don't take requests" "uh-" "kids lay down on your stomachs" "O-Okay Doctor Trent" The scouts do as they are told. "i like to call this little number 'colonoscopy'" "OH DEAR" Jakey quietly slips out of the room as the screams begin and runs back to The Motherfucker, where Nurse Michelle is waiting with an injection needle, which she plunges into Jakey's arm. "take-" "UM SORRY i don't take requests" Michelle stares holes through Jakey. "b-but for such a beautiful twin sister i will make an exception" Jakey hops into the driver's seat. "wh-where to m-ma'am" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Doctor Trent t-shirt]

Mission 049: I Got a Bad Case of Lovin' You [Jakey Scouts]
"scouts we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of one of our most beloved scouts, robert truckdriver 129" "He Was Truly The Best Of Us" "his death in a horrible colonoscopy accident has taught us of the dangers of being unprepared for invasive surgery and i would like to award him with his final merit badge" Jakey opens a glass case and grabs the 'Dying in a Horrible Colonoscopy Accident' badge. Jakey lovingly has Robert Truckdriver 176 sew the merit badge onto Robert Truckdriver 129's merit sash, as Jakey does not know how to sew. After the badge is sewn on, the scouts and their master salute the casket as it is covered and lowered into the earth, never to be seen again hopefully. Graverobbers or zombie plagues are always a possibility, but Jakey is confident that the latter will not happen in his lifetime. However, the former is a very real possibility, as the rarity and sheer value of the 'Dying in a Horrible Colonoscopy Accident' merit badge may cause some unscrupulous collectors or even the scouts themselves to treasure the badge, hoping to pass off as the only living person to acquire the badge, which would certainly attract some good-looking females. Michelle sneaks up to the gravestone holding a spade, but is spotted quickly. "t-take me home"
[reward: respect +/graverobber t-shirt]