Everything's Going to be All Right (2015)

Mission 050: I'm Fixing a Hole Where the Rain Gets In [The Great Cheryl]
"jeremy the cotton candy machine is broken" "can't you just fix it with magic" "i was GETTING to that if you'd let me finish and not rudely interrupt me" "sorry" "ANYWAY, the machine itself is magical so it can only be restored using the blood of several mystical creatures" "naturally" "here is a shopping list for you jerry get to it" The Great Cheryl hands Jakey a list of three types of blood he has to acquire to fix the machine. "let's see; orc, pixington, and canadian; well canadian is easy" Jakey gets ready to jab himself with one of the syringes The Great Cheryl provided when he is suddenly tackled from the side. "OOF" "no milord it is my job to make sure you do not come to any harm" "oh that explains why you tackled me and almost broke my neck" "I SHALL MAKE THE SACRIFICE" Grace jabs the needle into her chest and draws blood. "that was overdramatic" "and far more painful than if i'd just stabbed my arm like a normal person" "i hope you've learned a valuable lesson here today" "i hope i have too" Michelle slides in from the The Great Cheryl Slide. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 051: And Stops My Mind from Wandering [The Great Cheryl]
"okay next on the list is orc" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker, where Grace is waiting in the passenger seat. "GAH HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE" "i opened the door and sat down" "BUT THE DOOR WAS LOCKED" "yeah but i used the password and now i'm here" "DAMMIT" "you know you're supposed to change it every month right" "oh fuck off my password is uncrackable" "well that is true in the literal sense" Jakey drives down to Mojavistan's orc village. "okay so here's the plan-" Before Jakey can inform Grace of the plan, she is already out of The Motherfucker and putting Olivia into a chokehold. "OKAY I'VE GOT HER NOW JAB HER WITH THE NEEDLE" "..." "..." "let her go" "oh good thinking; blood from the chieftain is probably more effective" Grace drops Olivia and waits in a bush so she can get the drop on the chieftain. "so uh hey" "hey" "can i have some blood i need it for uh an art project" "oh sure sure i've got plenty to spare" Olivia holds out her arm, and Jakey jabs in the needle. As soon as it is full, the needle disappears. "OKAY JAKEY I'VE GOT HIM" Jakey turns to see Grace holding Michelle in a chokehold. "that's not the chieftain" "what of course it-" Grace's face changes to a visage of pure horror as she realises what she's doing. "SORRY PRINCESS MICHELLE SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME" "i will forgive you ONLY if you get jakey to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 052: And I Still Go [The Great Cheryl]
"finally on this list is pixington" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker, where Grace is waiting in the passenger seat. "let's roll" "yeah after how you handled yourself last time? no way" Jakey presses a button on the dashboard, sending Grace flying out of The Motherfucker, then he speeds off to the Obnoxious Celtic Country. As Jakey exits The Motherfucker, Gwendolyn runs up to him, panting and wheezing. "JAKEY I HEARD YOU WERE COLLECTING BLOOD AND I WOULD LIKE TO HELP" "i appreciate the enthusiasm but uh this isn't THAT sort of blood collection" "aw man" Gwendolyn walks off, dejected, as Jakey heads to Amber's house. "yo amber can i have some blood" "oh sure sure i've got gallons of the stuff" Jakey jabs Amber with the syringe, and it disappears into the aether. "ME NEXT ME NEXT" Michelle runs up and holds out her arm. "i'm out of syringes" "aw man take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions/Amber missions]

Mission 053: Important Research [Special Agent Grace]
Jakey enters his apartment and sifts through his mail. "HOLY FUCK what happened to my internet bill!!!" Jakey unfolds the bill and it flops across the floor. "500 terrabytes of dolphin pornography?!" Jakey turns to Scraps. "BAD DOG" Scraps whines, not understanding what he did wrong. "uh no jakey that was me; scraps had nothing to do with it" "oh; sorry my mistake scraps; have a treat" Jakey flicks up a doggie treat at Scraps, who eats it and barks happily. "so mind explaining WHY you downloaded so much dolphin pornography" "research" "five HUNDRED terrabytes?!" "well i had to download it in 4K for optimal research potential!!!" "it would have been cheaper to buy the boxset of 4K blu ray dolphin pornography!!!" "they were all out i checked" "why was it even so vitally important to watch so much dolphin pornography?!" "it was a top secret mission from the highest of the brass; i couldn't tell you even if i knew" Jakey slaps his face with his hand. A dolphin's cry comes from the living room, and Jakey turns to see Michelle eating popcorn and watching dolphin pornography. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dolphin jacket]

Mission 054: Metal Meltdown [Olivia]
"jakey hey i've heard all about your holidays as a human and while orcs do not celebrate such things i have gotten you a kwanzaa present!!!" "..." "..." "uh thanks" Jakey grabs the gift that is being held out to him. It is wrapped in white lined notebook paper, and it is incredibly sharp in places. "my hands are bleeding" "oh that'll happen" Jakey unwraps his gift, careful not to lose any fingers, and sees a tube of metal attached to some kind of mask. "uh i really like this whatever it is" "it's a snorcle i made it myself" "yeah these are generally made of plastic" "never heard of it" "what" "listen i don't know what kind of space age bullshit you've got going on in human world but in orc world everything's made of metal or wood or like animal parts" "so uh yeah i will display this proudly in my home but it won't see any use due to the painful sharp bits and also the fact that i can't swim" "swimming? that's not what a snorcle is for!!!" "what" Michelle walks up and slaps a plastic snorkle onto Jakey's head. "yeah jakey it's obviously for taking me home"
[reward: respect +/metal snorcle appears at safehouses/plastic snorkle]

Mission 055: No Pill's Gonna Cure My Ill [Gwendolyn]
"uhhhhhh jakey i don't feel so good" "what happened" "well it all started last night when i was just walking down the street and there it was - a bucket FULL TO THE BRIM with blood" "i don't like where this is going" "i didn't want to be rude so i asked a guy 'hey is this your bucket of blood' and he said no so i grabbed it and took it home and drank it but now i'm experiencing terrible cramps and feel like i am going to throw up" "at least you have a bucket now" "true true" "so uh would you like me to go get you some medicine or" "that would be nice; i am out of medicine and would really like some" Gwendolyn hands Jakey a list of vampire medicines. "don't bother going to the medicine store; you can only find these ingredients in the tower of the nightwalker" "the what" "you know where all the bloodlustily vampires hang out; they'll attack you as soon as look at you" "nice" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to the Tower of the Nightwalker, located on Egg Roll Street, just past the Chuck E. Cheese. "who knows what unholy horrors lie beyond these gigantic metal doors" Jakey swallows hard, then opens the door and smacks himself on the forehead. "oh hey jakey what's up" "ressie what is your PROBLEM" "well my legs are starting to hurt from sitting crosslegged this long" "no i mean why are you HERE in the fourth-most dangerous building on all of egg roll street!!!" "fifth you're forgetting that one house with all the black 'people'" "right right" "so what brings you here" "hey i asked first" "sure did" Jakey sighs. "i am here to acquire a list of medicines for a very sickly vampire who needs my help" "oh why not just teach her to resist sickness" "..." "..." Jakey just raises his hand and shakes his head over and over, caught in a loop of not knowing what to say. "i'm just fucking with you; here i collected the medicines for you as a present!!!" Resistance Leadour hands Jakey the medicines and shoos him out the door. Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives back to Gwendolyn's apartment. "hey gwendo i got you your medicines" Gwendolyn looks up from her plein lo mein. "uh thanks but i'm all better now" "i'll uh just leave this here then" "cool thanks" Michelle pops out of the bag of medicines. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 056: All Dead, All Dead [Gwendolyn]
"yo uh gwendolyn you're looking pretty uh-" "I KNOW RIGHT IT BOILS MY BLOOD" "what" "oh sorry i wasn't actually paying attention to what you were saying and just assumed it was about what i am mad about" "oh okay so uh what are you mad about" "television producers have FUCKED UP the undead heirarchy!!!" "uh how so" "with all their zombie shows now zombies are getting fat heads like they own unlife; when everyone knows the undead heirarchy goes, from top to bottom: lich, vampire, wight, ghost, ghoul, mummy, skeleton, zombie" "so they're the shittiest undead and they're the most popular" "EXACTLY" "so just like music or videogames or anything else really" "YES" "well what can even be done; the last time vampires were top of the charts it was due to-" "yes yes yes i remember i don't want to but i do" "so how about this: family sitcom about a lich and his normal-ass human family; he tries so hard to keep it all under his hat, but the beans are spilt in the season finale and it turns out his wife was a necromancer all along" "i like it i like it" "the next door neighbour can be a priest with an itchy exorcism finger, who suspects someone on his street is a lich but can never figure out which one" "ooh ooh and he actually has to hold down a normal office job and his boss is a wight who's gotten a bit too big for his station" "and he keeps being passed up for promotion in favour of a zombie missing an arm and most of a torso" "a sitcom the whole family can relate to" Michelle stumbles up to Jakey, wrapped in toilet paper. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/necromancer robes]

Mission 057: Better Dead Than Red [Amber]
Jakey wanders into the Pixington Auto Showroom, to see windows broken and tyre tracks leading out of the showroom. "what happened here" "IT WAS THOSE GODDAMN RED ORCS, ALWAYS BREAKING SHIT AND STEALING" "so basically red orcs are to regular orcs what black people are to regular people?" "EXACTLY; ALWAYS STEALING THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK THEN DARING TO ASK FOR A HANDOUT FROM OUR GOVERNMENT" "do not worry amber i will recover for you your automobiles" "hopefully they're not in a ditch somewhere" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives out to a ditch somewhere, where he finds a mass of wrecked cars. Most of the drivers have fled the scene, but one woman remains, trapped inside one of the cars. "yo officer what's up my nigga you'll never BELIEVE what happened" "i am sure you are right" "so you see there i was going to the store for some milk for my babies when all of a sudden a bunch of GOOD BOYS WHO DINDU NUFFIN came by and slipped off the road and now here i am trapped in my own vehicle that i bought using money i got from dem programs n shiet" "a likely story; i'm taking you in for questioning" "nigga how am i supposed to feed my children if i'm in questioning" "should have thought of that before breeding like a rabbit come on" Jakey snaps open the car by turning The Motherfucker into the jaws of life, and takes the red orc woman in for questioning. "good job jakey we'll take it from here" Sheriff Antony drags the woman off and slams her in a cell next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 058: Ensurance of Insurance [Amber]
"jakey it's awful my insurance isn't going to cover the theft and destruction of the vehicles" "what why" "they said if they pay out every time a red orc or a black person steals and destroys something they'd be broke within the hour" "well i cannot dispute that" "that's the worst part!!! they are completely correct and i can't even really be angry about it!!!" "so what's the plan here; you can't run an auto showroom without any autos to show" "correct; that is why i have a brilliant, flawless plan; we go into the future when i have bought vehicles, take those vehicles from future me, then i sell them and use the money gained to buy the same vehicles i just sold so that past me (which is as of right now present me) can go forward in time and take them" "all right that makes sense let's go" Jakey and Amber hop into the time machine and head to a week in the future, where future Amber has left all the keys in the ignitions of the vehicles in the lot. "it seems future you is in on the plan" "i'd hope so" Jakey and Amber systematically take all of the vehicles on the lot to their present, leaving future Amber to buy more for herself. "now watch as the money rolls right in" "OH MAN I LOVE THIS ONE" Michelle stands excited in front of a purple luxury sedan. "IT IS PERFECT FOR JAKEY TO TAKE ME HOME IN"
[reward: respect +/Pixington Auto Showroom t-shirt]

Mission 059: Tears Roll Down [Resistance Leadour]
Jakey walks into the house Resistance Leadour is squatting, and finds her curled up on the couch, crying loudly. A bucket of popcorn has been spilt all over the floor. "uh hey what's up" "HE WAS SO YOUNG" "what" Jakey turns to see the credits of a movie playing on television. "HE WAS A GOOD BOY" "oh god it's one of those movies where they have to shoot the dog isn't it" "WHYYYYYYYY" "so i take it you were trying to resist crying at this one and it just didn't happen" "WHAT MONSTER WOULD MAKE A MOVIE LIKE THIS" "if it makes you feel better, i read a news article once about how all dogs go to heaven so he's happy right now" "HOW CAN A DOG BE HAPPY SEPARATED FROM HIS BEST FRIEND" "oh jesus you're right; that dog is going to be sitting at the pearly gates for decades just waiting and waiting for his best friend to arrive" Jakey begins to tear up as well. "WHO WOULD MAKE SUCH A THING" "I ALREADY SAID THAT" Jakey curls up on the floor and doesn't move until Michelle walks up. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/popcorn t-shirt]

Mission 060: Won't You Come Into My Room? [Sheriff Antony]
"oh hey jakey can't talk for long iron maiden are in town and i have two tickets" "two?! why do you need two?! you're just one guy!!!" "well the second ticket i'm going to give to a friend who has helped me out a lot over the years" "oh boy" "yes, i am glad that you are excited for me to give this ticket to deputy orange" "WHAT" "hey man i thought he was talking about you too" Deputy Orange grabs the ticket from Sheriff Antony's hand, and the two head out for the Sheriff Antonymobile. "THIS ISN'T OVER YOU FUCKER; I WILL SEE IRON MAIDEN HARDER THAN YOU AND MAKE YOU JEALOUS" "good luck with that" Jakey kicks over a potted plant, spilling Michelle out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ticket jacket]

Mission 061: I Wanna Show You All My Wares [Sheriff Antony]
Jakey slowly rises from the bushes outside of Alabama Stadium, pointing a pair of binoculars at the entrance. "okay so we've got one security guard and it's even someone i know this is going to be CAKE" "no it's going to be iron maiden" "GAH" Jakey leaps up into the air before crashing back down to Earth. "DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT" "sorry i thought it was a good time to work on your startle resistance skills" "you're lucky we're not in canada right now; that shit would get you charged with attempted murder" "jesus" "he's got nothing to do with it; now why are you even here" "well uh i came to see the show; i have a ticket and everything" "how did you get one of those?" "i bought it from a guy on the street corner selling them; he tried to price-gouge me but i successfully resisted the attempt" "hmm i'll have to check that one out if plan A fails" "what, you didn't get a ticket? i can take you to the corner and get you one-" "nah nah go on enjoy the show i will catch up with you" "all right if you say so" Resistance Leadour heads inside the stadium after showing Yuko her ticket. Jakey struts up immediately after. "yo yuko how's life" "i cannot complain / not literally i mean / you know the saying" "indeed; hey could you let me inside" "hey you know the rules / i need to see a ticket / or else no entry" "come on do it for me" Yuko shakes her head and points to the sign. Michelle crowdsurfs her way out of the stadium. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/CAKE t-shirt/Shopkeepour missions]

Mission 062: I Just Want to See Your Blood [Shopkeepour]
Jakey walks over to a small stand on the street corner, labelled 'Iron Maiden Ticketz Я Us', where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Eclipse chewing gum. "sorry we're sold out" "WHAT" "the last customer bought the lot" "WHY" Shopkeepour shrugs and hands Jakey a slip of paper. "they told me to give this to you; i couldn't see their face + they were using a voice changer" Jakey opens the note, and immediately notices the scratchy handwriting for everything but one word. "oh jesus" An excited tapping noise is heard from above. Jakey knows what's about to happen, but doesn't want anything to do with it. "come onnnnn" The tapping grows louder and more impatient. Jakey sighs and hangs his head. "mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from a nearby roof and lands on the stand, breaking it into pieces. "what is the mystery" "you know damn well what the mystery is; just give me a damn ticket" "no no no no NO if you want a ticket, you've got to follow the CLUES and solve the MYSTERY" Erin hands Jakey a slip of paper, then disappears in a puff of smoke. Jakey looks up and sees her on the same roof she'd jumped off of. "oh and uh take this thing with you" Erin tosses Jakey a Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 063: I Just Want to Stand and Stare [The Great Cheryl]
"hey the great cheryl i have an amazing test of your amazing magical abilities" "oh shit yeah let me at that fuck" "okay just a second" Jakey takes a step forward. "MYSTERY" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling, aiming to land on top of Jakey, but he steps out of the way and grabs her from behind. "read this girl's mind!!!" "uh i can't" "what why not" "she's wearing a tinfoil hat; you can't read someone's mind through tinfoil" Jakey yanks off Erin's tinfoil hat, and inside is a second tinfoil hat. Jakey rips that one off to reveal a third, and so on and so on until Michelle bursts out of the pile of discarded tinfoil hats. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 064: See the Blood Begin to Flow [Construction Candice]
"yo candice what's up" "oh hey jakey it's been a while; i've just been constructing this skyscraper" "wow cool it's definitely scraping that sky; hey listen you built alabama stadium right" "yes it is my proudest accomplishment" "and since you're so proud of it you obviously built in a secret entrance so you can admire it whenever right?" "what no; why would i compromise the security of my highest-profile building that's ridiculous" "oh-" "FURTHER, alabama stadium is COMPLETELY indestructable; you could drop a nuke on it and the building and everyone inside would be unharmed" "wow jesus king bran must have wanted his castle built of the same material" "HEY that's a great idea!!! i will propose it to him later; maybe a clear shell over the current castle to preserve the history" "yeah uh hey since i gave you that one could you do me a favour" "shoot" "could you use your clout to get me into the stadium like right now" "is there a show going on right now" "yeah" "then i can't; i can get you in later though" "i uh kind of need to get in right now" "sorry there's nothing i can do" "oh goddammit" Jakey kicks a steel beam on the floor and breaks his toes. "i meant to do that i find the incredible pain soothing" "really? let me try!!!" Michelle kicks the same steel beam. "that wasn't very soothing; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 065: As it Falls Upon the Floor [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard, as usual, and the door is soon opened. "yo valerie you're looking very photogenic tonight hey listen how good are you at digging" "i-i-i g-graduated top of m-my class in d-digging school" "sweet; so here's the plan: i want to get into alabama stadium and i was thinking that you could dig me in" "w-well uh th-the earth is p-pretty thick a-and i-i-i'd have t-to dig to ch-china first th-then dig into the s-stadium" "how long would that take" "s-several months" "okay i work with that; hop into this time machine and go back in time several months and begin digging; then you'll be done by right now when i'm asking you to do it" "o-okay!!!" Valerie hops into the time machine and warps back in time. Moments later, Jakey gets a phone call. "j-jakey a-apparently tunnelling i-into alabama stadium i-i-is illegal s-so c-could you come a-and get me out of jail" "i'll do you one better; i will go back in time and prevent you from ever spending several months doing backbreaking labour only to be arrested" "o-oh boy" "now where did i leave my time machine" "y-you gave it t-to m-me a-and the police i-impounded it" "oh right; don't worry, i will definitely figure this one out and this timeline will be erased from existence and you will never know the difference" "i-i-i'll look f-forward to it" "okay so who do i know who has a time machine" Michelle walks up from behind Jakey. "i will let you borrow mine if you take me home"
[reward: respect +/digging school t-shirt]

Mission 066: Iron Maiden Can't be Fought [Valerie]
"WHAT DID SHE DO TO THIS THING" Jakey looks in horror at a time machine that has been completely destroyed. "i guess i'll have to call the repairman" Jakey calls up his mechanic, who appears shortly outside of the garage. "oh thank god you're here stu can you fix this time machine for me" "well considering that the time circuits have been reduced to a fine powder, and that the engine is currently in a molten state, it will take a while" "but i need it to prevent valerie from being arrested!!!" "can't you just go and pay her bail now then come back later" "no that makes too much sense; i'll have to find another time machine to use to prevent michelle from destroying this one so i can use it to go and rescue valerie" "um that plan sounds great and all but-" "good we're in agreement; no time to talk thanks for coming" Jakey runs out to The Motherfucker and plows straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Azalea missions]

Mission 067: Iron Maiden Can't be Sought [Azalea]
"azalea i need to borrow your time machine" "what happened to yours" "it's in the police impound" "i was going to let you but i'm not sure i want to any more" "it'll be fine i promise; i'm not going to do anything untoward with it" "okay if you say so" Azalea hands Jakey the keys to her time machine. "great thanks be right back" Jakey heads back in time to before Michelle destroyed her time machine. "MICHELLE STOP" "oh good; i knew that if i destroyed the time machine you'd get into another time machine to stop me from destroying the time machine which i could use as leverage to get you to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 068: Oh Well, Wherever [Valerie]
"okay now that i have used azalea's time machine to stop michelle from destroying her own time machine, i can use it to stop valerie from using my time machine to get herself arrested at my request" Jakey pauses to think for a moment. "wait a minute; if i had just used azalea's time machine to stop valerie, i could have saved a lot of time" Jakey looks down at the floor. "hmm yes i should go and tell my past self this so he doesn't waste a lot of time unneccessarily" Jakey heads back in time to before he'd gotten into Azalea's time machine. "PAST ME" "hey" "hey" "what's up bro" "you know you can just use azalea's time machine to save valerie and don't have to worry about michelle's time machine" "oh yeah that makes a lot of sense; thanks" "don't mention it" Just before past Jakey can hop into Azalea's time machine, another Jakey arrives in a time machine. "PAST ME STOP" "uh hey" "hey" "yo" "listen you need to stop michelle from destroying her time machine as you will need it later to accomplish another goal" "oh okay gotcha" Another Jakey arrives in a time machine. "PAST ME STOP" "hey" "yo" "what's up" "hello" "listen; past me, you don't need to warn other past me that you need michelle's time machine; you can just use the one you're using now" "ohhhhhh" "maybe we should fix michelle's time machine anyway though so that we don't keep doing this in an infinite loop" Another Jakey arrives in a time machine. "i just wanted to say that's a great idea i just had; i should all follow my advice" "okay" "sounds good" Azalea walks in on the five Jakeys. "uh is this what you wanted to use my time machine for" "oh no this time machine is michelle's" "and i'm using my own" "this one belongs to stu" "i borrowed mine from molly" "who" "uh forget i said anything" "will do" "okay i'm off to fix michelle's time machine unless there are any objections" "nah i'm good" "yeah go ahead" "sweet" The pastmost Jakey heads back in time to before Michelle destroyed her time machine. "MICHELLE STOP" "oh good; i knew that if i destroyed the time machine you'd get into another time machine to stop me from destroying the time machine which i could use as leverage to get you to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Five Jakeys t-shirt]

Mission 069: Wherever You Are [Valerie]
"okay now that i have used azalea's time machine to stop michelle from destroying her own time machine, i can use it to stop valerie from using my time machine to get herself arrested at my request" Jakey pauses to think for a moment. "right yeah that makes sense" Jakey heads back in time to when he went to Valerie's house. "hey guys i'm just dropping in to say that this is a bad idea and you shouldn't do it" "what why not" "y-yeah i-it seems like a-a g-good idea to m-me" "tunnelling into alabama stadium from china is apparently illegal" "what" "g-get out of t-town" "it's true; trust me you definitely want to cut your losses now and try something else" "uh do you have any ideas future me" "not really no" "I HAVE AN IDEA" "okay michelle what is your idea" "my idea is that you should take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 070: Iron Maiden's Gonna Get You [Amber]
"okay i've got an amazing plan okay; alabama stadium has a defense system that shoots missiles at any flying metal contraptions when a show is in progress, so my plan is for you to fly me over the dome and drop me in; they'll mistake you for a bird or something" "uh jakey i can't lift you you're like way too heavy" "i believe in you amber you can do it" "uh thanks but i'm not supposed to fly while carrying anything over fifty pounds" "they always underestimate that sort of thing" "yeah but i think carrying five times the recommended weight is pushing it" "that's what you've got to do!!! push the limit!!! push beyond the barriers of what is thought to be possible!!!" "fall to my death!!!" "yeah!!!" "jakey just take the plastic glider i made last week and glide from a tall building" "that would also work i suppose but don't you want to-" "NO" Amber shoves the glider into Jakey's hands and slams the door on him. "welp" Jakey climbs to the top of a tall tower and soars through the wind on the glider, dive-bombing the stadium. Not wanting to land on his head and break his neck, Jakey pulls up so he lands feet first. "NOW LET'S CLOSE THE TOP OF THE DOME FOR OUR NEXT SONG" The top of the dome closes swiftly, cutting off Jakey's legs. "AH FUCK" "hey whose legs are these" Deputy Orange checks himself. "not mine" Jakey tumbles down the curved dome lid, his legs slowly growing back, and lands straight onto Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 071: No Matter How Far [Piper]
"okay you know the plan right" "yessir!!! it was a truly inspired plan!!!" "all right; initiate" Jakey pulls his goggles down over his eyes as Piper grabs him and presses him into her chest, pulling back so far that her massive lumps of womanhood squish down. Piper then lets go, the tension on the breasts releasing and sending Jakey flying into the double doors at the entrance to the stadium. The elasticity sends Jakey flying through the air, breaking the sound barrier and creating a sonic boom. Seeing Jakey approach faster than a bullet, Yuko quickly pulls out a mirror, which Jakey crashes into and bounces back into Piper at high speeds. Luckily, the breasts absorb the blow. "dammit it almost worked" "but it is good that we are unharmed!!!" "yes, thank god for massive breasts; i do not know what i would do without you" "a reality without breasts is one that i do not i want to imagine!!!" Jakey nods solemnly as Michelle walks up. "jakey i know why the plan failed you just need more breasts!!!" "i'm good for now but maybe later" "oh well; take me home then"
[reward: respect +/goggles/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 072: See the Blood Flow [Special Agent Grace]
"grace you are an expert of infiltration right" "uh yeah i believe we went over that in special agent school" "well i need help infiltrating alabama stadium" "uh it's been a while since i've done any infiltrating so i'm pretty rusty" "i'm sure you'll get back into the swing of it very quickly" "okay i'll give it a shot" Grace exhales quickly and wriggles into a ventilation shaft on the side of the stadium. Seconds later, she is thrown out by Yuko. "uh-" "i really shouldn't have let myself get so out of practice" "well you can just try again right" Grace shakes her head and points to a device strapped to her ankle. "what is that" "it prevents me from entering alabama stadium under threat of blowing up" "jesus" "i can get it off but it'll take a while" "uh take your time; i'll think of something else" Yuko throws Michelle out of the stadium. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ventilation shaft t-shirt]

Mission 073: Watching it Shed [Special Agent Grace]
"JAKEY good news i found a thing for you" Grace hands Jakey the official Prima Games Everything's Going to be All Right strategy guide. "oh man thanks this should work beautifully" Jakey opens up to the page on the final mission sequence. "'in order to enter alabama stadium, a backwards long jump must be performed in order to clip through the stadium's wall and end up in the crowd; this skips the 'ticket' flag in the game's code and allows jakey to view the rest of the iron maiden show' ALL RIGHT" Jakey spins 180 and aims at the side of the stadium. "uh wait how do i do a backwards long jump that wasn't in the tutorial" Jakey flips to the tips and tricks section of the guide. "'a backwards long jump requires jakey to have received the pogocrate from gwendolyn in mission 028' WHAT i got the sandcrate!!!" Jakey flips to the section on Mission 028. "'based on jakey's performance in the game to this point, he will receive one of the following crates as a reward: if jakey didn't find emelyn's hat himself in mission 019, he will always get the sandcrate, which does nothing' OH GODDAMMIT" Jakey flips to the Mission 019 page. "'in order for jakey to find emelyn's hat, which is required for the best ending, he has to undertake the hat-finding classes at the trade school' I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD A TRADE SCHOOL IN THIS GAME" Jakey flips to the page about the trade school. "'in order to take classes at the trade school, jakey has to check his email any time after mission 003; there will be a fresh email waiting for him'" Jakey pulls out his phone and sees that he has 1,683 unread emails. "oh goddammit i stopped checking these things back in anything when deputy orange kept sending me those dumb cat videos" "well jakey it sounds like you need to either live with your mistakes or start a new playthrough" "wait wait it says here there are backup strats" Michelle walks up and turns the strategy guide's page to the section on taking her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 074: Up Above My Head [King Bran]
"okay it says here i can get a royal decree from the king bran so they'll have to let me in; who would have even thought of that" Jakey enters King Bran's castle. "yo king bran i want to go see iron maiden but the show is sold out" "say no more" King Bran whistles, and Emelyn races in, pushing a small CRT TV. King Bran turns the knob and ends up on the surveillance footage of the Iron Maiden show, where they are playing Running Free. "uh i was thinking more 'write me a royal decree so i can get in and see it firsthand'" "oh that's an even better idea" King Bran signs Jakey's permission slip and sends him on his way. Michelle walks up behind Jakey with her own royal decree from King Bran. "it says that under threat of beheading, you have to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Yuko missions]