Memories of One Thing Leads to Another (2013)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"yo sheriff antony what is the subject of that picture you are staring at wistfully" "oh it's a picture of me and my favourite pacman 2: the revenge of blinky arcade cabinet; i had the high score for years but then" A single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's cheek. "SOME FUCKER BEAT MY HIGH SCORE" "o-oh dear" "some fucker named JAK; i hate him so much" "well uh-" "wait a minute; I KNOW WHO JAK IS" "uh-" "IT'S SO OBVIOUS; HE'S BEEN IN MY FACE THIS WHOLE TIME" "i-" "IT'S THAT FUCKER, CRAZY SVART" "i-wait what" "IT COULD ONLY BE HIM; THE ABSOLUTE SHIT" "now wait just a-" "SORRY NO TIME" Sheriff Antony races out the door and spurs his horse, galloping for Crazy Svart's Used Arcade Machines. Jakey follows in The Motherfucker, and arrives just in time to see Sheriff Antony's horse trample Crazy Svart. "THAT'LL TEACH HIM; HE'LL BE IN A COMA FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS" "wait sheriff antony i was-" "I HAVE TO GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL JAKEY SOME OTHER TIME" Sheriff Antony loads Crazy Svart onto his horse and giddies the fuck up. "I WAS JAK YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER" Jakey hangs his head and walks into the shop, where MCH finishes beating JAK's high score on Pacman 2: The Revenge of Blinky. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Crazy Svart]
"yo crazy svart how's the coma treating you" Jakey receives no answer. "good good well uh i brought you this 'get well eventually' balloon; i'll just tie it to the bedpost here" Jakey ties the balloon to the bedpost, and the corner of the bed rises into the air slightly. "so uh i'll just be going i suppose" Jakey turns to leave the room as Michelle walks in and ties three more balloons to the remaining bedposts, levitating the bed above the floor. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [The National Athletics League of Alabama]
"all right men; viewership of our third-most popular sport, steroidsball, has been on the decline ever since the record-setting player reggie stocker was revealed to NOT be using steroids" "arrrrgh a more despicable man i not be knowin' cap'n" "regardless, people have begun to lose faith in their heroes; faith that even the most average of joes can fulfill their dreams with performance-enhancing drugs" "arrrrrgh what if we be forcin' the players to be injectin' themselves in front of the crowd cap'n" "by the time the crowds get to the games, they're already too drunk to care about or notice the players injecting themselves" "arrrrrgh well the most effective tactic probably be to be makin' an example out of this stocker guy cap'n" "firing squad or lynching" "arrrrrgh why not be havin' the firing squad be shootin' at him while he be hangin' from the gallows cap'n" "excellent idea ceruleanbeard; you get a star on the 'good employee' chart" "arrrrrrgh hooray cap'n" Jakey sticks a sticker on Ceruleanbeard's section of the 'good employee' chart, shaking up the 'good employee' leaderboards. Magentabeard is still comfortably in fourth, but Kathy is pushed down to third due to Ceruleanbeard's climb in the rankings. First place, of course, belongs to Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [The National Athletics League of Alabama]
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOWN TO THIRD ON THE GOOD EMPLOYEE CHART" "calm down kathy" "THIS IS NOT A CALM SITUATION JAKEY; I AM DEFINITELY THE SECOND-BEST EMPLOYEE HERE AND I DEMAND TO BE RECOGNISED AS SUCH" "well your performance lately has been falling flat; ceruleanbeard has just been eclipsing you in every possible way" "that is absolute bullshit and you know it; i've done so much uh good employee shit lately" "such as" "..." Kathy pauses to think for a moment. "okay you got me" "and with that, i have an execution to attend" Jakey heads out into the courtyard for the big execution. All of Alabama's most rich and famous socialites are in attendance, including Entrepeneur Taylor, The Great Cheryl, Sheriff Antony, and even the King Bran. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE GRANDEST EXECUTION OF THE YEAR; FOR THE HIGHEST CRIME OF DISILLUSIONING THE ALABAMANIAN PEOPLE, REGGIE STOCKER WILL BE HUNG FROM THE GALLOWS, THEN FIRED UPON BY OUR TWELVE EXPERT MARKSMEN" Jakey walks up to Reggie Stocker, who is handcuffed and standing on a chair with a noose around his neck. "any last words" "yes actually; i prepared an entire speech" Jakey kicks the chair out from under Reggie Stocker. "TOO BAD EXECUTION TIME" The twelve members of the firing squad each fire a single round, plugging Reggie Stocker with twelve separate bullets as his neck breaks. The crowd cheers loudly, popping open their champagne bottles and guzzling it all down. The party then begins in earnest, with clothing and alcoholic beverages flying around the courtyard. Michelle does a perfect kegstand then shotguns twelve beers. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [The Great Cheryl]
"all right jaden i have been contacted by the mafia to magically aid them in a bank robbery" "uh-" "but i've got a better plan that requires your help; we'll split the take 50/50 what do you say" "i like this plan already" "all right so here's the deal" The Great Cheryl explains the plan in detail to Jakey, and they head to the positions to enact said plan. "all right vinnie youse ready" "all ready gio" "youse ready the great cheryl" "yes, valerie" "vinnie" "whatever" "okay let's roll" Vinnie blows the door to the vault, disabiling the magic-proof barrier and allowing The Great Cheryl to magic away the money to an off-shore bank account. "ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE" "IT'S THE COPS" "well, a single cop" "sorry: IT'S THE COP" "I SAID NOBODY MOVE" Jakey pops one round in the kneecaps of Vinnie and Gio. "MY MONEY" Kathy runs into the vault and begins sobbing. "WHO DID THIS TO MY BABIES" Jakey points to Vinnie and Gio. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" Kathy runs over to the bleeding mafia goons and stomps on them repeatedly. "JAKEY YOU HAVE TO GET BACK MY MONEY" "they burned it though" "WHAT" Kathy grabs Jakey's gun and pops all of its remaining rounds into the mafia goons. "I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE ENTIRE MAFIA CRUMBLES BENEATH MY HEEL" Jakey grabs the discarded gun and slowly backs away until out of earshot, then runs away as fast as he can, plowing Michelle right over. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [The Great Cheryl]
"jesse we've got a problem" "yeah, it's that you can never remember my name" "stop being so self-centred jason; this is bigger than a name; that girl karen who owned the bank has hired me to magically revive her money; i tried to magically wipe her memory but it didn't work because she's too attached to the money" "where is she now" "i sent her to the store to pick up some soap to stall for time" "so-" "i had a plan; how about we rob a second bank to pay katie" "no dice; kathy has memorised the serial numbers of every bill" "goddamn that's dedication" "there's no way out of this except to 1: return the money or 2: kill kathy" The Great Cheryl conjures a knife. "i was joking about that second one" "it was your best idea though" "in terms of effectiveness, sure, but-" Kathy bursts through the door holding several dozens of pounds of soap in her arm. "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF SOAP YOU NEEDED SO I JUST GRABBED ALL OF IT" "well uh unfortunately this is too much soap; it is wreaking havoc with my magic" Kathy hucks most of the soap out the window, shattering the glass. "oh for fuck's sake" The Great Cheryl magically repairs the window. "OKAY NOW TO THE IMPORTANT PART" "yes" The Great Cheryl stabs Kathy in the heart, killing her instantly. "WHAT THE FUCK" "it had to be done" "i-" "listen if we had given her back the money, she'd have killed us" "i-" "don't worry; i know exactly how to revive someone, and i can remove her memory of the serial numbers of the bills while i'm at it, then give her money from another bank; i'll even throw in a free boob job" "i like this plan" "i'll just have my other assistant handle the body" The Great Cheryl claps twice, and Michelle comes out to put Kathy's body in the revival tube. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Deputy Orange]
"jakey can you believe this shit; criminals have hijacked a grocery store by killing the manager" "law of the wild, i suppose" "and they've replaced all the employee of the month pictures with their own pictures" "THE FIENDS; THOSE EMPLOYEES WON THEIR RESPECTIVE MONTHS FAIR AND SQUARE" "we must put an end-" Jakey runs off, then stops and waves for Deputy Orange to follow, impatiently. The two then hop into The Motherfucker and peel out toward the grocery store. "okay so how are we-" Jakey kicks open the door to the store and begins firing his gun wildly into the store, taking out two criminals and a soup display. "impressive" "i haven't even begun to impress" A criminal steps out of the chips aisle, wearing armour made entirely out of bags of Cheetos. "WATCH OUT JAKEY; HE'S DANGEROUSLY CHEESY" "OH SHIT" Jakey and Deputy Orange duck behind a register as the criminal sprays the area with M&Ms. "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO" "COVER ME" Deputy Orange lays down supressing fire as Jakey dives for the bakery, grabbing a bunch of muffins from the display cabinet and fashioning them into makeshift armour. "ALL RIGHT CRIMINAL SCUM; TRY BUSTING THROUGH THIS" Jakey runs out of the bakery, and the criminal opens fire, but the M&Ms bounce right off the stale muffins. Jakey carefully aims his shot, and pops the criminal right between the eyes. The criminal falls to the ground, landing on Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [King Bran]
"okay jakey it's the big one; the one we've all been waiting for: the mega championship bout" "oh boy i'm so excited to see defending champion 'iron jeff' mahogany face off against the fighter who's climbed the ranks faster than any before; the great cheryl" "you never know what she's going to pull" "i still can't believe she trapped her last opponent, 'titanium alexander' cinnabar in the nightmare zone for all eternity" "the live feed on her website, https://www.thegreatcheryl.org/, is very entertaining, especially how titanium alexander keeps screaming in perpetuity as his eyes bleed" "and who could forget when she shoved her magic wand straight through 'palladium patrick' periwinkle, removing his heart without opening his chest cavity" "or when she completely sapped 'aluminum richard' taupe of his will to live and watched as he hung himself in front of an audience of thousands" "and millions more at home" "yes; the great cheryl may be the greatest thing to happen to our noble sport" Jakey and King Bran take their seats in the box as the match begins. Iron Jeff swings a mighty roundhouse at The Great Cheryl, but only hits an illusion. The real The Great Cheryl is behind Iron Jeff, and puts her wand to the back of his head. Iron Jeff reaches into his holster, and draws his gun, pointing it at his own temple. The Great Cheryl winks and waves at the audience, then Iron Jeff pulls the trigger, covering the judges in blood and brains. Michelle seems to be into it, though. "take me home"

MEMORY NINE [King Bran]
"jakey the big newcomer's bout is tonight between 'copper brendan' tucker and claire who is a ghost" "smart money's on claire" "indeed; all she has to do is float there and wait for copper brendan to tucker himself out" "ooh good one" "thanks; i set up this match just so i could use that one" "i really appreciate you letting me witness that one firsthand; thank you" "don't mention it" King Bran and Jakey take their seats as the match begins. Copper Brendan goes in hard and fast (as is his signature style), but tires before he can land even a single blow. "yawn" Copper Brendan collapses to the ground, defeated, and Michelle attempts to raise Claire's arm up in victory, but can't seem to grab it. She eventually gives up and stomps up to the boxseats. "take me home"

MEMORY TEN [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey it's horrible i'm seven years late for my job at the milk factory" "i thought milk was naturally-occurring?" "someone has to bottle it" "oh right" "but that wasn't my job; i need you to get over there and deliver seven years worth of backmilk please" "can do" Jakey salutes and hops into The Motherfucker, then heads to the milk factory, where Kathy sits at her desk reading the latest issue of Chicago's most popular magazine, Carrie Magazine. "i swear to god i will never understand how this rag is popular in that shithole" "yo kathy i'm here to make the deliveries for claire" "it's about fucking time; we had to devote an entire warehouse to her undelivered milk" Kathy hands Jakey the keys to the warehouse, and he heads inside. "i don't think i've ever seen this much milk in one place before; i mean aside from that one time" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a dump truck and loads it up with thousands of bottles of milk. Thankfully, all this milk only goes to one residence, as that particular resident drinks a lot of milk. Jakey drives his load down to the resident's residence. "MILK DELIVERY" "oh thank fuck i thought you'd NEVER come i've been waiting seven years three months two days three hours twenty-five minutes two seconds for this shit" Claire motions for Jakey to put the milk in the milk cellar, where it will age to its peak flavour and texture. The 2009 vintage is to die for, or so they say. Michelle sneaks up and grabs a bottle of 2009 milk, and chugs it all down. "take me home"

MEMORY ELEVEN [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE THEY'RE COMING" "who-" "MILK RUSTLERS; COME TO STEAL ALL MY MILK" "oh no" "we canNOT let this happen; this milk is the pride and joy of the one who is me" "i-" "the sentence got away from me all right" "anyway what's the plan" "to stop them!!!" "that's not a plan that's a goal" "well-wait what was that" A faint rustling noise is heard from the milk cellar. "OH NO MY MILK!!!" Claire rushes downstairs to see the mafia trying to steal her milk. "STOP HALT GET BACK MOTHERFUCKER" Claire goes into a fighting stance, but the mafia goons walk straight through her. "GODDAMMIT" Claire looks around, and sees only mafia goons. "WHERE THE FUCK DID JAKEY GO" Claire sobs uncontrollably while the mafia steals all of her precious milk and loads it into the truck. Just as they're about to leave, Jakey makes his move. Jakey cuts down the mafia goons, and begins unloading the truck back into the milk cellar. "hey i got your milk back" "WHAT i thought you'd just left!!!" "well the problem with any strategy i came up with is it would cause the mafia goons to drop the milk, breaking the bottles and spilling the milk everywhere, so i just waited until they were done loading it up to kill every last one of them" "oh smart" "i thought it was but now i have to carry in about a thousand pallets of milk" "you can do it; i believe in you" Jakey hangs his head and returns to his chore, until finally he delivers the last pallet. "now if you'll excuse me i'm just going to collapse from exhaustion" "by all means" Jakey collapses right onto Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY TWELVE [Brucie]
"jakey the sale of my junk hasn't been going so well the past couple months so i'd like you to try out some new marketing tactics" "can do" Jakey grabs a bunch of junk out of the yard and hangs it inside of a trenchcoat, which he then puts on. Jakey stands and waits at the edge of a dark alley for someone to pass by. "hey hey what's the hurry miss; i've got some good shit" Jakey opens his trenchcoat, revealing a line of junk. "we've got whosits and whatsits galore yo; all good quality shit" "well i have been looking for a new whatever this is to replace mine that broke" Gwendolyn hands Jakey twenty Alabama Fun Bux in exchange for whatever that is. "yo thank you for your patronage and shit; come again soon" "will do" Gwendolyn half-asses a salute and walks off as the next person approaches the alley. "hey hey yo yo stop a while see anything you like whatever you need girl i'm your man" Michelle thinks for just a moment. "take me home"

MEMORY THIRTEEN [Brucie]
"good job on the small items jakey but i need someone to rent out these appliances" "i've got just the idea for that" Jakey puts on a long fuzzy purple coat and hat, as well as gold-rimmed sunglasses and gold chains and rings. "hey hey yo the finest appliances this side of canada; right here" "i need to do a load of laundry real quick - urgent-like" "just insert your coin yo" Grace puts her coin into the slot and quickly washes all the blood out of her clothes. "thank you sir" Grace takes her clothes and scampers off. "all right washie; where's my money" Jakey tries to open the money drawer, but the drawer is stuck. "WHERE'S MY MONEY BITCH" Jakey backhands the washer, causing the drawer to pop right out. Jakey pulls out the single coin and kisses it. "hey wait there's something else in here" Jakey rummages through the drawer and pulls out Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FOURTEEN [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey glad you're here; it's december third" "2013 even" "the year doesn't matter; all that matters is that it's national roof over your head day" "is that a drinking holiday" "aren't they all" "spent with you, yes" "good enough" Grace pours a line of shots. "now i know you've got that whole 'the diamonds' thing going on and you can't get drunk so i will make the sacrifice and drink these dozen shots as you cannot appreciate their magnificence" "how noble of you; you seem to already have taken a dozen" "work hard play hard they say" Grace drinks thirteen shots right in a row of the hardest liquor known to man. The drinks are so stiff that they are actually solid in form, making her imbibation even more impressive. "so what can i get you; a fruity girly drink?" "you know it" Grace reaches into the secret compartment of her refrigerator and grabs one of Jakey's fruity girly drinks. She keeps them hidden because she doesn't want anyone to think she's a puss, thus the visible portion of the refrigerator is full of hard liquor, meats, milk (for strong bones and healthy teeth), and, of course, various flavours of Mountain Dew. "only the girliest for you jakey" "thanks" Grace pours another line of shots, but these are all imbibed by Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FIFTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"jakey the new railway from boston to mojavistan is having its grand opening TONIGHT and i've got two tickets" "cool are you taking someone else or riding the train twice" "my original plan was to take you but riding the train twice is tempting" Gwendolyn holds out a ticket. "take it before i change my mind" Jakey quickly snatches his ticket and he and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to the train. "ALL ABOARD" Jakey and Gwendolyn take their seats, as everyone loads onto the train. Even King Bran is present for this momentous occasion, in his own private car of course. As the last passenger enters the train, the train begins to take off for Mojavistan. Once in Mojavistan, everyone stays aboard because it's way too hot there. A few new passengers enter the train, however, one plopping down right across from Jakey and Gwendolyn. "uh hi" "hiiiiiiiii!!! i'm rachel!!! i'm coming to alabama to become an actress!!! it's my life's dream!!!" "hi rachel i like your boobs" "thank you so much!!! they were expensive but it was obviously worth it!!!" "so uh did you have any specific parts you were looking into" "no!!! but i'm sure something will pop up!!! they don't call alabama the land of movie stars for nothing!!!" "that's the first time i've heard it called that" "yeah me too" Rachel holds up her copy of this month's KathyBeat (the version of Kathy Magazine for teenagers). "well i'll be damned" "what would we ever do without kathy and her magazine lines" "i know right!!! i'd be totally lost without kathybeat!!!" "as would we all" All three passengers nod to eachother as the train stops in Alabama. "hey have you heard that van helsing may be aboard this very train?!" "WHAT I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE" Gwendolyn hurriedly disembarks from the train and rushes on home. "so uh hagar or roth?!" "i don't know what that means" Michelle tugs on Jakey's sleeve, worried she'll miss her stop. "take me home"

MEMORY SIXTEEN [Rachel]
"hey rachel i was-" "like oh my god!!! hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! like long time no see!!!" "so uh did you get an acting job yet or" "uh no i'm currently working as a waitress but i've auditioned for several parts!!!" "such as" "oh there was this amazing crest toothpaste commercial!!! i had to like brush my teeth for the camera which suited me fine because i practice twice a day!!!" The doorbell rings. "oh!!! let me get that!!!" Rachel skips over to the door and sees the post lady leaving, and a bunch of letters in her box. "thank you miss post lady!!!" Rachel rifles through her mail. "oh boy!!! a reply from the toothpaste company!!!" Rachel excitedly opens the letter. "dear ms jackson - that's me!!! we regret to inform you that you did not get the part and we have instead gone with someone else" Rachel looks down at the floor for a moment, sad, but quickly perks back up. "oh that's all right!!! there are plenty of acting jobs for everyone right!!!" "uh right" Just then, Michelle bursts into Rachel's house, plowing Rachel over. "JAKEY JAKEY I GOT THE PART; I AM CREST'S NEW TOOTHPASTE MODEL" Michelle does a little victory dance, as a single tear streams down Rachel's face onto the carpet. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVENTEEN [Rachel]
"so any news on the acting front" "i'm waiting for a letter from the hershey candy corporation!!! i have applied to be the lady whose peanut butter is assaulted by a bar of chocolate!!!" "two great tastes that taste great together" "i know right!!!" The doorbell rings. "oh!!! let me get that!!!" Rachel skips over to the door and sees the post lady leaving, and a fresh letter in her box. "thank you miss post lady!!!" Rachel looks at the letter. "oh boy!!! it's from mr hershey himself!!!" Rachel excitedly opens the letter. "dear ms jackson - that's me!!! we regret to inform you that you did not get the part and we have instead gone with someone else" Rachel looks down at the floor for a moment, sad, but perks back up after a bit. "i-it's okay!!! i'm sure i'll get a part if i keep trying!!!" "that's the spirit" Just then, Michelle bursts into Rachel's house a second time, knocking Rachel over again. "JAKEY JAKEY I GOT THE PART; I AM REESE'S NEW PEANUT BUTTER-HOLDER LADY PERSON" Michelle does a little victory dance as a single tear streams down Rachel's face onto the carpet. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHTEEN [Rachel]
"jakey!!! i have been selected to participate in the extreme waitressing games!!!" "wow; you only just started waitressing and you're already in the ewgs" "the guy on the phone said i was a prodigy!!! also that the more famous waitresses all suffered simultaneous fatal bleach poisonings!!!" "you're really lucky yours wasn't fatal then" "i know right!!! they really should label those bottles better!!!" "we'll have to file a formal complaint later" "oh i'm sure the families of the deceased are doing just that!!! i can't waste any time on that anyway!!! i need to train for the extreme waitressing games!!!" "so uh which event(s) is/are you competing in" "well!!! it's not really a competition because i'm the only competitor!!! but!!! i have to look good doing it so i'm invited back next year!!!" "oh yeah of course" "so!!! check out this sweet trick!!!" Rachel mounts her waitress standard-issue skateboard and rides it off a huge-ass ramp. She spins three full rotations and lands back safely. "i call it!!! the TEN EIGHTY!!!" "uh better save that one; people will accuse you of witchcraft for having such sweet moves" "d-do you really think so" "i've seen people burnt at the stake for less" "th-thanks for the advice!!! jakey!!!" "any time" Michelle hits the same ramp, spinning four full rotations and landing back safely. "i call it the 'take me home'"

MEMORY NINETEEN [Emelyn]
"jakey the quadrennial maidery olympics are this year and i have to prepare" "are you competing in the 200m sweeping or the freeform featherdustery" "both and also the cross-country laundry run" "oh that's my favourite" "so is canada entering any maids this year" "nah we swept the first maidery olympics so we decided to retire undefeated" "smart" "so what have you been doing to prepare" "i have been practicing sorting laundry blindfolded; separating the whites from the inferior laundry using only my sense of touch" "a valuable skill to have if the power goes out, you get into an industrial accident, or are the victim of sabotage" "i know right; i have trained all of my senses to razor-sharpness in order to prepare for both the maidery olympics and some form of tragedy" "have you trained your depth perception with just one eye so that you don't end up grabbing at nothing in crucial situations" "yes; that's the purpose of the official royal maid hairstyle i am required by law to wear" "smart man, that king bran" "i'm just thankful he's giving me time off to train" "well he's counting on you to bring honour and glory to alabama" "AND I WON'T LET HIM DOWN" "that's the spirit" Emelyn gets so into the zone that she tears off Michelle's clothing and begins to fold it. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY [King Bran]
"jakey in emelyn's absence i have hired temporary help but the woman who responded to my ad seems like she's confused about what a royal maid does could you go and check up on her" "can do" Jakey spins around and heads to the laundry room, where he sees Candice. "yo" "oh hey jakey i saw this ad in the new kathy times about king bran needing a homemaker but i haven't made any homes so far; i've just been folding laundry?" "maybe you're supposed to make the house out of the laundry?" "that doesn't sound very structurally uh sound" "who knows what goes through the heads of royals" "good point" Candice begins to stack the laundry up into a house shape, sticking it all together with caulk. Candice then reaches back into the dryer for more laundry, but grabs Michelle instead. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-ONE [King Bran]
"jakey this wasn't what i had in mind" King Bran motions to the house made of his own laundry, permanently caulked together. "well-" "IT'S EVEN BETTER" King Bran motions for Jakey to enter his new house. "she even made WORKING APPLIANCES out of laundry; how did she even do that" "the lady is a professional clearly" "hey want to watch the big sports match with me on my television made entirely out of royal pants" "fuck yes" Jakey and King Bran plop down on the couch made out of royal socks and eat chips from bowls made of royal shirts. The Alabama City Fighting Bumblebees mount an incredible comeback, their star player Michelle scoring touchdown after touchdown, sometimes without even having to be on he field. Kathy interviews Michelle after the game. "michelle, how does it feel to have won the championship for your club" "feels good man" "do you have anything you'd like to say to your fans" Michelle thinks for just a moment. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-TWO [Becky]
Jakey walks past the outside window of a jailcell. "pssst hey kid; smuggle me in some things" "um sorry who are you" "i'm just a simple maid named becky who was wrongfully imprisoned" "well okay you're a cute girl and i have a certain fondness for cute girls; what would you like" "i'm not picky" "well i've got a rice krispies treat on me" "that's a good place to start" Becky snatches the Rice Krispies Treat from Jakey's hand. "okay beck i'll run off to get more seemingly random objects that i'm sure you'll use to create some rube goldberg machine to get yourself to freedom" "thanks bro" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker goes off to visit several of his friends. From Taylor (who is still chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum), he receives a defective Detective Taylor action figure. "i couldn't sell it even if i wanted to; the head shoots corrosive acid instead of cooling air when you press the button on its back" From Gwendolyn, he receives a threatening letter she'd received. "it's not as funny as the other ones" From Deputy Orange, he receives thirteen broken mirrors. "91 years bad luck isn't the worst thing that's happened to me, i assure you" "most people don't even live that long; you can just break mirrors with impugnity now" "eh i'm still hoping i'll get off early on good behaviour" From Grace, he receives a photocopy of an outdated Canadian Special Agency training manual. "the methods explained here are very outdated, but learning how to give milord a relaxing massage while also defending his life from rabid wolves has come in handy for us many times in the past" "true that" With these items in hand, Jakey returns to Becky. "here's a bunch of random junk" "thanks bro" Becky slips a fiver through the bars. "sweet" Michelle also drops off a bunch of seemingly random bullshit, including a used car scent air freshener, a remote-controlled crane (missing the remote control), an old worn-out pair of riding chaps, and a new-age gravedigger's training manual written by one Jasmine Fontaine. "take me home"

MISSION TWENTY-THREE [Becky]
"so how's your rube goldberg device to freedom coming beck" "i decided against the rube goldberg angle; i'm going for more of a bomb angle" "you made a bomb out of all the junk i gave you?" "yeah check it out" Becky holds up the bomb, but it attaches itself to Jakey's arm. "uh that wasn't supposed to happen" "GET THIS THING OFF OF ME" "i um don't think i can but could you do me a favour? just stand right there until the bomb detonates" "um i'll get back to you on that" "please consider it" Jakey rushes off to see Grace, who is presumably trained for such emergencies. "hey grace you were the best agent in your class right" "the only survivor" "what do you know about bomb disposal" "i'll be honest, that was my weakest subject at the academy" "oh dammit" Jakey takes off his jacket to reveal the bomb on his shoulder. "WHAT THE FUCK JAKEY I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY IN THE BOMB FACTORY" "i wasn't-" "okay okay i can do this i can do this; which wire do i cut red or blue" Grace snaps the cover off the bomb. "THEY'RE ALL GREEN" Grace begins to hyperventilate. "I HAVE ONE JOB AND I AM GOING TO FAIL IN THE MOST SPECTACULAR FASHION IMAGINABLE" "uh-" "I HAVE TO AT LEAST SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR THE GREATER GOOD OR I WILL BRING SHAME UPON MY FAMILY AND PROFESSION" "grace don't-" Grace pulls out the wire cutters, sweating and shaking horribly. "uh don't worry i'll figure this out on my own and-" "NO NO I GOT THIS" Jakey cuts and runs away as fast as he can as Grace chases after him with the wire cutters. Grace loses the trail as Jakey ducks into an alley, bumping into Sheriff Antony. "sheriff antony i've got this bomb attached to my shoulder and it's going to explode unless-" Sheriff Antony quickly grabs Jakey's arm and hacks off his arm, hucking it into the river, where it explodes peacefully. Jakey's arm grows back immediately, sans bomb. "jakey you're fucking dumb" "it runs in my family" "i am aware of that, yes" Michelle leaps out of the river, drenched in Jakey's blood. "take me home"