A Thing of the Past: Wild West (1883)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'James Garfield 1880' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the horse-drawn carriage!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: National Treasure [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have met many jakeys in my day and it seems like it's time to give you these" Sheriff Antony tosses a small bag onto the table. "ingest these the diamonds and take unto yourself their power" "dude diamond is the hardest metal known to man how will i just ingest-" Sheriff Antony holds Jakey's mouth open and pours the diamonds down his throat. "i think i'm gonna be sick" "no you're not; not ever again" Jakey begins to wretch in place. "oh get over it you big baby" Jakey throws up all over the floor. "oh oops that was my bag of rock candy not my bag of the diamonds" Sheriff Antony fishes around for another small bag. "my bad" "it can't be worse than what just happened" Jakey ingests the diamonds, and finds himself full of a new power. "now check THIS out" Sheriff Antony pulls out his revolver and pops Jakey straight between the eyes. Jakey falls over, but is fine immediately afterward. "jesus FUCK that hurt" "yeah it'll do that" "sheriff antony i'm here for my rock candy" Michelle enters the room, and finds her rock candy lying on the floor in a pile of vomit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the diamonds]

Mission 002: What's Yours is Mine [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got reports of a ghost sighting at the old mine" "oh boy i hope it's a girl ghost" "why" "i have always wanted to touch a ghost boob" "i don't think that's physically possible" "only one way to find out" Sheriff Antony and Jakey hop onto their horses and ride to the old mine. "now with this ghost detector that professor eif made, we can locate that ghost hopefully" Jakey and Sheriff Antony follow the signal to a dead end. "i don't see anything" "hmm well maybe-" "BOO" Jakey is startled right to fuck, and hits his head on the mine's ceiling. Sheriff Antony is unfazed. "howdy miss" "howdy" "so what are you doing here" "i'm scared that if i leave that guy will come back and kill me" "um well you don't have to worry about that" "i don't know he seemed really determined" "miss you're already dead" "nonsense; if i was dead how would i be talking to you right now" "you're a ghost" "..." "..." The ghost looks down, and notices she doesn't have legs. "ohhhhhhhhhhh that explains the dead body i found that looks just like me; i thought i'd found my long-lost twin" "where is this body" "right over there" "looks like blacklung" "how long were you down here" "a couple weeks or a month or two or ten i couldn't really tell the time" "oh that makes sense" "this is great news though; if i'm already dead i can get back to my normal life without fear of being stabbed over and over and also over" "unless the killer is also a ghost now and has a ghost knife" "..." "..." "i'm just going to stay here for the rest of my unlife if that's okay" "i don't blame you one bit really" "okay so i need to fill out a report for the station; what's your name miss" "claire freeberne" "okay well have fun" Sheriff Antony waves as he leaves the mine. Just then, a loud whistle is heard as the ghost train pulls into the station and drops off Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Professor Eif missions/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 003: Cattle Battle [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got reports of a new cattle shop selling previously rustled cattle" "i hate it when my cattle gets rustled" "there's nothing wrong with pre-rustled cattle, but selling them as new cattle? shameful" Sheriff Antony and Jakey hop onto their horses and ride to Crazy Svart's Pre-Rustled Cattle. "welcome to crazy svart's pre-rustled cattle!!! we do the rustling so the banditos don't have to and pass the savings onto you!!!" "yeah yeah we're here about the call you put in to the station" "oh right; see that business across the street? the one that says 'new cattle'? i've seen a fair amount of cattle in my day, and this cattle looks mighty rustled to me" "we'll look into it citizen" Sheriff Antony and Jakey cross the dirt road to get to Pixington Cattle. "howdy and welcome to pixington cattle; i am your humble cattle salesman amber jade pixington" "miss, we've received an anonymous tip that your cattle have been previously rustled" "yeah i saw you talking to crazy svart over there; his name is very apt, as he is insane for thinking these pristine 1884 model cattle are anything but brand new off the assembly line" "these stickers look pretty legit and i don't see any branding marks" "we still have a few 1883 models out back but they are also in pristine condition" "hmm looks like i'll have to arrest that crazy svart for filing a false police report" Sheriff Antony tips his hat and walks back over to Crazy Svart's Pre-Rustled Cattle. "are you in the market for any cattle, sir?" "oh no no i don't-" Just then, Michelle rides up on her horse and rustles the FUCK out of Amber's cattle. "HEY READ THE DAMN SIGN" Amber points to a sign that reads 'you rustle it, you bought it'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions/Amber missions]

Mission 004: Transportation of the Future [Professor Eif]
"howdy professor eif i am here to see what zany invention you've come up with this time" "oh good timing; this one is SUPER-zany" Professor Eif rips a sheet off of a large object. "it's a new form of transportation i developed!!!" "where are the horses" "it doesn't have any" "where's the coal to power it then" "it doesn't run on coal" "what the fuck" "it relies on combusting specially-filtered oil to move; i call it the combustion-powered automated rollingham!!! or CAR for short" "it'll never catch on with that shitty name; you should call it 'the motherfucker'" "that name was already taken at the patent office i'm afraid" "oh damn" A loud honking noise comes from the Combustion-powered Automated Rollingham, where Michelle sits, pounding away at some kind of wheel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Combustion-powered Automated Rollingham spawns at Professor Eif's lab]

Mission 005: This Body of Mine [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"so how's mine death treating you" "it's kind of lonely; the ghost canaries don't really say much" "what about that girl over there" "that's my corpse" "oh right" "should we like bury it or something" "i don't know the first thing about digging" "neither do i" "well i suppose i'll just go find an expert" Jakey loads Claire's body onto his horse, and gallops off for the graveyard. He dismounts, and knocks on the door of a shack on the edge of the graveyard. "GAH" A loud crash is heard, and the sound of glass breaking rings out from the shack. The door cracks slightly open, showing one blue eye from behind it. "h-howdy" "howdy um are you the gravedigger here" "y-yeah" "well um i found a corpse and i would like it buried" "y-y-you j-just f-found it?" "yeah, in the old mine" "y-you d-d-didn't create th-this y-yourself, r-right? i-i-i-i've b-been f-fooled before" "no not this time" "o-okay" The gravedigger exits the shack and spots the corpse resting on the rear of Jakey's horse. "i-i-i'll b-bury this r-right away" "thanks miss uh" "v-v-valerie" Valerie takes the corpse off of the horse, and places it on the pile, waking up Michelle, who was resting in the pile. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 006: Pal of Mine [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"so do you like being a ghost" "i wouldn't mind it but it's so boring and lonely in here" "oh oh i just had an idea wait here" "as if i have any choice" Jakey mounts his horse and rides off to a nearby kennel. "howdy and welcome to the only kennel in the west; my name is brooke how may i help you" "do you have any dogs who died and left unfinished business and became ghost dogs" "oh yeah we've got a lot of those; a dog's goal is to provide companionship to a human master so the ones that die before they're adopted become ghost dogs, longing for a ghost master" "are any of the ghost dogs pit bulls" "i don't consider pit bulls to be dogs; it is insulting to good boys everywhere" "good; i'll take them all" "um just so you know, that is two dozen dogs" "GOOD" Brooke shrugs, and leads Jakey out to a large, special trailer holding twenty-six ghost dogs. "so how much do i owe you" "nothing; we are a non-profit organisation, which uh come to think of it may be why so many of the dogs died because we couldn't feed them" "well their deaths will not be in vain" Jakey hooks the trailer up to his horse, and spurs hard for the mines, where he releases all of the ghost dogs, who swarm Claire. "how did you know i liked dogs" "i assumed that you were human once at least" Michelle bends down to pet a ghost dog, but her hand goes right through. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions]

Mission 007: Imprisonment [Crazy Svart]
"jakey you've got to get me out of here there's talk about hanging me!!!" "should have thought of that before you committed such an unforgivable crime" "unforgivable?" "you were the guy who murdered those eighteen women right" "uh no" "sorry my mistake" "you've got to help me" "i don't know, an angry mob is pretty hard to pacify if they've got bloodlust" "THEY'VE ALWAYS GOT BLOODLUST" "doesn't deflate my point" "i'll give you five bucks" "five-fifty" "deal" Crazy Svart hands Jakey a 550 Alabama Fun Centz note, and Jakey opens the cell door. "thanks jakey now i can KILL THAT PIXINGTON" "..." "..." Jakey closes the cell door again, locking Crazy Svart inside. "hey wait no can i start over" "no" "dammit" Michelle runs her mug along the bars of her cell. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$5.50]

Mission 008: Don't Rattle the Cattle [Amber]
"jakey some no-good varmint keeps coming in here and rustling all my cattle!!! i have to discard them every time and get new ones from the factory!!!" "a horrible crime indeed; i will get to bottom of it sure as you can say 'yeehaw'" "yeehaw!!!" "so allow me to explain some of my methods so you may prevent this sort of thing in the future" "okay cool" "first, you scan the horizon for anything suspicious-like" Jakey scans the horizon, and finds somethat that is certainly suspicious. "right there; you see that spitoon on the cliff there?" "why would someone put a spitoon on a cliff?" "exactly; let's go investigate" Jakey and Amber creep up on the spitoon. "okay, now we look inside" "ew" "if my hunch is correct, this spitoon will be spit-free" "o-okay" Jakey and Amber peer into the spitoon, and see a girl hiding inside. "uh howdy there sir and madam" "howdy, i am jakey; i work with the sheriff" "hi i'm uh violet lovely day we're having" "so what brings you to this cliff-face" "well uh i work for the newspaper" "so is this a case of you causing a story, or getting some dirt and not reporting it" "the latter but since you've got me i'll give you what i've got" Violet shows Jakey some rough sketches of the figure she saw rustling the cattle. "but that's-" "goddammit" Amber kicks at the dirt. "i've been sleep-rustling again" "have you tried tying yourself to the bed" "now there's an idea that couldn't possibly go wrong, especially in case of fire" Michelle walks up with some rope, but is disappointed when Amber backs off. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions]

Mission 009: A Grave Error [Valerie]
"uh j-j-jakey i-i-i-i've g-got a p-problem" "tell me about the problem" "w-w-well i-i-i j-just g-got a n-new shipment o-of c-corpses a-a-a-and o-one of th-them i-i-is still a-alive" "oh yeah that does sound like a problem" Jakey and Valerie go out back to the corpse pile, where a female corpse is struggling to stand up. "help" Jakey and Valerie help the corpse to stand up. "so uh what are you doing in the pile of dead bodies" "those fuckin shitheads at the damn hospital said 'there's no cure for timinchinitis' and threw me on the corpse pile to be buried and i ain't even dead yet" "is that one of those 'terminal illnesses' that's all the rage these days" "yeah i'm going to die eventually but aren't we all?! if you're going to pre-emptively throw me onto the corpse pile, you may as well pre-emptively throw yourself on as well!!!" "would you like a ride home" "oh yeah that sounds-" "OH OH ME TOO ME TOO" Michelle rolls down the pile of corpses. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 010: Craving the Grave [Valerie]
"j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jakey i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i've g-g-g-g-got a p-p-p-problem" "you sound way more shaken up than usual what ha-" "BURY ME" "what was that" "th-th-this w-woman k-k-keeps y-y-y-y-yelling at m-m-m-me t-to b-b-bury her i-i-i-i o-only b-bury d-d-d-dead th-things" "PUT ME IN A GRAVE" "i'll go check it out" Jakey exits Valerie's shack, and sees a woman with stark white hair jumping up and down and yelling. "uh howdy miss" "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS EARTH ANY MORE" "what happened?!" The woman sighs and calms down a bit. "my name is julia armell; i am a local musician who writes songs for our wild western generation; songs of sadness and despair; my only solace is my weekly smiley stack at the local IHOP to keep me from spiraling into depression" "uh okay" "this time, i went to the IHOP and and and" "and?" "THE STACK WAS FROWNING" "um okay" "sadness overtook my entire being; my hair turned a stark white and my eyes began to bleed; END ME" "..." "..." "you uh do realise that the piece of bacon was just flipped in the wrong direction right?" "huh?" "uh yeah um you could have just like turned the bacon around" Julia pulls the smiley stack out from her briefcase, and flips the slice of bacon around. "oh well uh i sure feel silly" "you look kinda silly" "um do you know how to get bloodstains out of eyesockets" "have you tried soap and water?" "worth a shot" Julia begins munching on her smiley stack, and heads for home. Michelle returns from the IHOP and presents Jakey with a single bacon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 011: A Dog's Life [Brooke]
"hey jakey could you watch the shop for me while i step out for a moment" "oh sure sure" Brooke leaves the shop, and a customer comes in at around the same time. "herro i wourd rike dog" "uh for what purpose would you like the dog ma'am" "dog is key ingredient in soup" "WHAT" "dog is dericious in soup; big famiry rots of moufs to feed" "uh sorry ma'am but we don't sell dogs for that purpose" "i pay many dorrar for high-qurarity dog" "sorry but i can't sell any dogs to you" "sir i do not think you understand: i pay VAST SUM of dorrar for dog" "it doesn't matter how large the sum is, you can't have any dogs" "you've passed the test" "huh?" The old Chinese woman rips off her clothes to reveal a much younger woman. "my name is natalie belrose; i am with the better business bureau and i was testing your scruples + morals" "oh and i passed the test?" "yes indeed" Natalie pins a blue ribbon to Jakey's chest. "so uh how was my accent" "you had me fooled" "oh thanks i've been working really hard on it" Michelle walks into the dog store and begins petting every dog she sees. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions]

Mission 012: Espionage [Violet]
"jakey you've seen that towering construction site over there right" Jakey looks behind Violet, and sees the frame of a tall tower. "uh i see it now" "whatever; the point is no one knows what they're building and i'm going to find out" "i've never seen a building that tall before" "three storeys?! what do they think this is, science fiction?!" "so what's your plan" "i want you to distract the construction chief while i sneak into her office and take a photograph of all her documents" "that will take forever" "yeah but i'm sure you can distract her one way or the other" "i'll give it a shot" Jakey walks over to the construction site, and sees a woman barking orders. "howdy miss how's constuction going" Jakey flashes his badge. "you're not the usual guy" "the what" Soon, Deputy Orange pulls up on his horse. "jakey?! why are you here; i'm the one who takes the bribes" "i uh just wanted to see what they were building here" "that's what the bribes are for so we don't go poking around" "oh but look at these materials!!! they are the finest i've ever seen" Candice's face lights up at the praise of her materials. "oh, you noticed?! most people i contract for don't notice the high-quality cobs i use for the framework nor the igneous concrete i have to source from active volcanoes" "well it's going to pay off for them even if they don't appreciate it; using the best materials may be more difficult, but it results in a completely structurally-sound building" "I KNOW RIGHT!!! some prospective employers want me to cheap out and use 'tree wood' but that's no good no sir; i refuse to build anything with sub-par materials" "you're doing the world a service; a hundred of you, and the whole world would be immaculately-constructed just like this building is soon to be" "hey uh here's my card; call me if you ever need a building constructed RIGHT" "after seeing this framework, i'd never dream of calling anyone else" "so uh about the bribe" "oh right; the money is in my office come with me" "uh-oh" Jakey glances into the window of the office, and sees Violet climbing out just as Candice and Deputy Orange round the corner. "perfect timing" "so how'd you do it" "i just kept appealing to her ego over and over; i have no idea what an 'ignatious concrete' even is" "well either way, i now know what this building is going to be" "and?" "and what" "and what is it going to be" "well you'll have to buy the paper to find that out silly" Violet baps Jakey on the head with last week's paper. Michelle leaps off the top of the building site. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 013: Nursing the Wound [Victorrhea]
"jakey is revenge murder illegal" "yes, unless you have diplomatic immunity like me" "i see i see well is revenge maiming illegal" "pretty sure it is" "okay fine is revenge yelling at someone illegal" "no" "then could you please take me to the hospital so i can yell at that nurse" "sure sure" Jakey and Victorrhea hop onto Jakey's horse, and ride for the hospital, where they search high and low for the nurse. "there she is" "so what's the plan" "i am going to stomp up to her and scream at her about how angry i am" "go get her" Victorrhea begins stomping up a storm, until she gets right in the nurse's face. "YOU FUCKING CUNT" "me?" "YES YOU; YOU THREW ME ON THE PILE OF DEAD BODIES" "well you'll be dead soon anyway" "so will YOU" The nurse recoils a bit, but Victorrhea doesn't move. "i mean i assume" "i thought you were going to kill me" "i would have but it's apparently illegal for some reason" "oh" "why did you even become a nurse anyway; you're clearly unfit, personality-wise" "man my mother made me become a nurse; i wanted to play a sheriff in a travelling stage play but nooooooo i had to become 'nurse ruth' and earn a 'respectable living'" "oh sounds rough; my mother wanted me to become a lawyer but then i got terminally ill and dodged THAT bullet" "man i wish i had gotten a terminal illness" "it's uh not that great" "better than this shit" "i'll take your word for it" Victorrhea leaves and returns to Jakey. "that didn't go like i'd planned" "yeah she was way too sympathetic a character" All of a sudden, Michelle is carted in on a stretcher. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 014: Cleaning the Wound [Victorrhea]
"jakey it's time for part two of my revenge plan" "there's a part two? but part one failed horribly" "listen, i NEED to yell at my sister; it's how sibling relationships work" "i don't think i've ever once yelled at my sister" "i don't believe you" "believe it or don't; it's the truth" "whatever let's just go" Jakey and Victorrhea hop onto Jakey's horse and ride down to King Bran's castle, where Victorrhea's sister works as a maid. "howdy and welcome to-oh it's you uh hi" "HI?!" "um howdy?" "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO ME BACK THERE" "at the hospital?" "of course you wouldn't know; YOU ABANDONNED ME LIKE AN UNWANTED CHILD" "okay firstly-" "THE NURSE THREW ME ONTO THE PILE OF CORPSES TO BE BURIED" "what" "if our gravedigger was any more confident, i'd be six feet under right now" "i-i-i-i" "you what" Emelyn begins to break down in tears. "uh hey i'm sensing a family touching moment here so i'm just going to go visit my buddy king bran okay" Jakey sprints away from the touching family moment, and finds King Bran drawing dinosaurs with his favourite pen. "oh good jakey check this out" King Bran holds up a particularly viscious drawing of a t.rex. "sick" "it is, isn't it" Michelle walks up, holding her own drawing. It is of Jakey taking her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 015: Total Whiteout [Julia]
"JAKEY i need your help; i got the bloodstains out but i can't be DOING with this hair" "what's wrong with it" "it's WHITE i'm only 23!!! and it's STRAIGHT this ain't the mild west i can't be doing with this gay bullshit" "oh yeah that may send the wrong message" "i need you to take me to the mystic forest to consult a wizard about this" "god bless those wizards; i don't know how we'd get anything done in the new west without them" Jakey and Julia hop onto Jakey's horse and ride for the Mystic Forest. "howdy friends" "oh hey are you magical" "yes indeed; my name is charlotte but the folk around here have taken to calling me 'the great cheryl'" "oh cool um could you help me with this hair" "oh dear i sense demon magic at work here let me fix it: abra kadabra alakaZAM" With a bolt of magic, The Great Cheryl returns Julia's hair to normal. "OH THANK YOU" Julia begins kissing her hair. "she may need a moment" "so what's your story" "well my sister and i were playing in the mystic forest when all of a sudden a bolt of lightning struck a tree and it fell on me but instead of dying i gained magical powers and thanks to these powers i was able to save my house when it also got struck by lightning and my entire family survived the ordeal so i help take care of the forest as thanks" "oh wow that's really cool; glad those things didn't happen in the opposite order" "oh man that would have ruined me; i'd probably hate everyone and everything" The Great Cheryl begins watering some mystical flowers, and from one sprouts a Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 016: Important Business [Natalie]
"jakey i've been tasked with checking out that shady tonics salesman skulking about town" Jakey pulls out a note card and begins to read from it in a stilted monotone. "oh you must be talking about taylor, the finest purveyor of tonics and elixirs in the west; his miracle cures completely fixed my crippling" Jakey flips the card over. "lumbago; further, he is very much not shady/duplicitous OR a snake oil salesman; he only sells the highest-quality medicines the world over" "was that completely necessary" "as long as i'm under contract it is" "let's just go" Jakey and Natalie hop onto Jakey's horse and ride for Taylor's cart, which is set up on the edge of town. "howdy ma'am may i interest you in a high-quality tonic and/or elixir" "no, i am here to inspect your shady business" Jakey hurriedly gets out his notecard and begins to read. "lumbago; further, he is very much not shady/duplicitous" Jakey continues to read as Taylor and Natalie speak. "i assume you have me mistaken for someone else; as your reputable police friend says, i am very much not shady/duplicitous" "that is exactly what a shady/duplicitous person would say" "it is also exactly what a not-shady/duplicitous person would say" "true" "now i must say you are looking very lovely in spite of the bags under your eyes" "bags?!" "but i have a bottle of elixir that will clear that up lickedy-split" Taylor yanks a random bottle out of his cabinet. "how can i be sure this will work" "look at me; do i have any bags under my eyes?" "uh no" "see, the proof is very much in the pudding; now how much would you think i'd charge for such a miracle? twenty alabama fun bux? thirty afb? FIFTY afb?! no no; you can have this bottle for just ten alabama fun bux" "DEAL" Natalie hands Taylor a crisp ten Alabama Fun Bux note, and receives the bottle in return. She begins chugging right away. "now look in the mirror here; the bags are already gone!!!" "oh man!!! it's a miracle!!!" "yes indeed; refer your friends today" Michelle walks up to the carriage. "excuse me, do you have a tonic that will make jakey take me home"
[reward: respect +/Taylor missions]

Mission 017: The Tallest of Them All [Candice]
"oh hi there jakey; would you like to talk about the advantages of igneous concrete over sedimentary concrete" "you just made that last one up didn't you" "yeah i was just testing you to see if you really knew what you were talking about or if you were just buttering me up as some sort of distraction while someone published this article" Candice hands Jakey a newspaper with the headline 'big building for big business???'. "thanks to this article, my employer had me push up the timetable for building this thing so i haven't slept in like a week" "isn't that unhealthy" "yeah but what can you do; it's all done now at any rate and the unveiling is going to happen any second now" Just as the words leave Candice's lips, the longest horse-drawn carriage Jakey's ever seen pulls up, and out steps a blonde woman in purple. "okay we doing this?" "uh yeah; don't unveilings usually have more people" "if people saw this, why would they read an article about it later?!" "huh?" The woman rips a giant sheet off of the building, revealing an impressive structure. "'kathy magazine'? what the fuck is a magazine" "it's like a newspaper but more expensive" "what makes you think people would buy that" "the exclusive articles and scoops!!! and also the lurid photographs of me exposing some ankles" "you harlot" "soon, ankles will be seen all over the world and no one will even bat an eye" "this country is going to hell" "yes, and its money is going in my pocket" Kathy yanks the ribbon off of the door, and sets off to print some magazines. "i can't believe she's trying to invent the newspaper in 1883" "if it helps, i think magazines have been around for like two hundred years at this point" "what? get out of town" Michelle is flung from the top of the building for sitting in Kathy's chair. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kathy Magazine Issue #1 appears at safehouses]

Mission 018: From Beyond the Grave [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've got reports of necromancy in the abandonned mine" "the one with all the ghost dogs?" "no, that's the old mine; i'm talking about the abandonned mine" "just how many mines do we have around this town" "you'd be surprised" Deputy Orange and Jakey mount their horses and ride out to the abandonned salt mine. "okay jakey here's the plan: you go in and deal with the necromancer and i will stay here and cover the entrance" "deputy, are you afraid of necromancers" "what?! why i never i mean seriously why would you even think that" "so, yes?" "yeah" Jakey heads into the abandonned salt mine, accompanied only by a single lantern. "howdy? any necromancers around?" "no go away" "oh oka-hey wait who said that?!" "no one go away" Jakey continues into the mine, and eventually encounters a woman in a long, black robe. "i warned you; RISE, MY SKELETAL MINION" A foul mist permeates the air as a skeleton springs to life. "GAH" "howdy there lawman" "uh howdy" "MINION, ATTACK" "no way umbra; this is a priiiiime catch; my name's bonerietta" Bonerietta puts her left hand on her hip, and her right behind her head suggestively. "sorry uh you're not my type" "how can you be so sure? we've barely even met" "i'm pretty sure miss" "come on; what is your type" "not skeletons" "RUDE" "see, my minion?! he will never love you; ATTACK" "no we can still work this out; he'll change his tune after a good boning" Jakey recoils in horror as Bonerietta approaches, thrusting her pelvis repeatedly. "NO STAY BACK" Jakey pulls out his gun and begins firing wildly, terrified of what Bonerietta will do to him. His bullets miss Bonerietta widely, but hit the necromancer's jars of chemicals. The chemicals combine and create an extremely flammable new chemical, which is ignited by another of Jakey's bullets. A massive explosion tears Umbra, Bonerietta, and Jakey to pieces. Thanks to the powers of The Diamonds, Jakey reforms, back to life in short order, but the other two are not so lucky. Jakey wakes up hours later, stared down by Michelle. "oh jakey thank god i was so worried you'd never be able to take me home again but you're still alive!!! so now you can take me home"
[reward: respect +/mental trauma]

Mission 019: Just Shy of the Grave [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've got a problem" "did you get severe mental trauma from that last mission, too?" "uh no" "shame" "so that necromancer you killed had a friend named lilith who is currently filing a missing persons report" "i thought necromancers were reclusive creatures" "so did i but here we are" Jakey peeks around Deputy Orange at the necromancer's friend. "she looks really normal" "yeah i was surprised too" Jakey walks over to Lilith, tearfully filling out a missing persons report. "howdy" "oh officer do you have any news" "you know, i was in that abandonned mine yesterday" "really?!" "yeah, a skeleton tried to rape me" "o-oh dear really?" "well i assume that's what was meant by the repeated pelvic thrusts" "s-so what happened" "i panicked and accidentally blew up the mine, crushing your friend underneath several tonnes of stone" "i warned her about the dangers of horny skeletons" "so you're not upset?" "oh no i'm really glad that she's not missing" "oh good" "death is easily fixed" Lilith pulls out a black book and holds it to the sky. "NECROMANCY!!!" Jakey pulls out his gun and fires upon the black book repeatedly. "aw man" Lilith sulks off, her ancient tome destroyed. Michelle picks up the black book and rifles through it. "oh look; an ancient incantation that will make you take me home"
[reward: respect +/destroyed black book appears at safehouses]

Mission 020: Misplaced Hopes [Ruth]
"so then i says to emelyn - you know what i says? i says-" "NURSE I NEED HELP URGENTLY" "oh joy" Ruth trudges off to the source of the noise. Lilith stands just inside the lobby, holding a bucket full of entrails. "what the fuck" "can you fix her, nurse?!" "..." "..." "uh, no" "WHAT why not" "we uh do not currently posess technology to reconstitute a human being from a bucket of entrails" "well uh when will you get the technology" "not anytime soon" "well um can i just leave her here" "whatever" Lilith places the bucket of Umbra's entrails onto the reception deck, and bows before leaving the hospital. "well, this is disgusting" Ruth grabs the bucket off the counter and begins to take it deeper into the hospital. "what are you going to do with that" "i'm going to put it in the freezer; maybe we're just a couple days away from the proper technology" "i uh sincerely doubt it" "hey if you want to take the bucket of entrails be my guest" "i'll uh pass" Michelle walks up and hands Ruth a bucket of bones. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mourning duster]

Mission 021: Quick on the Draw [King Bran]
"jakey you're just in time as usual; i'm about to oversee an actual real-life duel between two folks with nothing to lose" "oh boy those are the best duels" Jakey and King Bran sit beside the dueling rink, both with a bucket of hot popcorn. "okay so you two ladies will draw your weapons and fire when i say 'draw'" "okay and then what" "one of you will probably die and the other will have proven themselves right (or at least left)" "okay introduce yourselves to the crowd, then take your positions" The two girls are taken aback slightly, but begin to introduce themselves and get the crowd on their side. "uh my name is olivia; i am an orc and uh yeah" "howdy my name is amiee :3 and i am the rootin'est AND the tootin'est gunslinger in these parts" "talk is cheap; get on your mark" Olivia and Amiee :3 get into positions as the duel music begins to play. "DRAW" Amiee :3 grabs her revolver first, and fires a clean shot right at Olivia's chest. The bullet bounces off harmlessly. "wha-" While Amiee :3 is surprised, Olivia pulls out her axe and charges at Amiee :3, hacking her to bits. "um that's not the standard dueling weapon" "what do you think i am; some kind of puss? the only acceptable weapons for an orc to use are the axe, the hammer, the club, and your bare hands; no exceptions" "fair enough; olivia is the winner" "yay hooray" "with this victory, she has proven that uh" Olivia hands King Bran a notecard. "it is, in fact, not easy being green" "what kind of moron would even refute that" Michelle walks up to her mark and draws her weapon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 022: Stiff Competition [King Bran]
"jakey you are just in time for the ultimate competition between our two nations; call your lady help and pit yours against mine and we will see which nation's girls are best at important tasks for their lord!!!" "oh great idea" Jakey grabs the newly-installed telephone and calls up his two Canadian government-assigned lady helpers. "okay so this is my bodyguard grace and this is my cleaning ninja noriko" "wait what; how come you get two lady helpers when i only have one" King Bran nervously looks around to bolster his force. "uh uh YOU over there!!!" A woman looks up at King Bran while setting down a package she'd delivered. "yes, you!!! what's your name and why are you here" "i'm uh bailey here to deliver your ointments and tonics like i do every month" "ah yes!!! i remember now!!! the royal ointment-deliverer!!!" King Bran grabs Bailey by the arm and drags her over to the ring. "wha-" "you, miss bailey, are set to compete in the first-ever monarchy games!!! you will represent your noble alabamanian lord along with my loyal maid emelyn against those two hussies-" "hey" "in the time-honoured sport OF" King Bran yanks a huge tarp off of the ground. "MUD WRESTLING!!!" "uh jakey said this was an important task" "yeah; you are defending our nation's HONOUR; particularly the honour of the ladies!!!" "grace listen; you can't just take that 'hussies' comment laying down can you?!" "that's the spirit noriko!!!" "sigh" To defend their nation's honour, the four women strip down to their underwear and enter the mudwrestling pit. The bell rings, and the girls begin to wade toward eachother. "GO GET 'EM EMELYN AND THE OTHER ONE" "GO GRACE GO; DO THAT MAPLE LEAF ON YOUR UNDERWEAR PROUD" After much wrestling, the competition ends. "wow what a great competition" "let's do it again next week" "oh totally" Michelle emerges from the mud in her underwear. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions/Noriko missions]

Mission 023: Clean Up Your Act [Emelyn]
Jakey swings open the saloon doors to the castle and steps inside the castle, but accidentally kicks a crawling Emelyn in the chest. "OW FUCK" "JESUS i'm sorry" "it's not your fault; it's those FUCKING STUPID-ASS SALOON DOORS THE KING INSTALLED" "what's wrong with saloon doors" "whoever fucking invented them is a fucking monster; look at how the dirt from outside blows in constantly!!! i can't keep this shit clean!!!" "then why bother?" "the entranceway is the first thing anyone notices when they enter the castle!!! if it leaves a bad impression, the whole visit is doomed!!!" "won't they just think 'wow, the king and his staff have got much more important things to do than clean'" "..." "..." "jakey can you please just leave before your stupidity spreads over to me" "wow, harsh" "if you can't stand the heat, maybe you should give the mild west a try, buckaroo" Michelle enters the castle with an armful of dirt, and drops it onto the floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mild west duster]

Mission 024: Quiet Serenity [The Great Cheryl]
"oh, howdy there jakey; i was just passing out free acorns to the squirrels of the forest" "oh how nice of you" "mhm!!! the forest was nice to me so i must in turn be nice to it and all of its creatures!!!" "even that one squirrel there stealing from the pile" "wha-" The Great Cheryl turns to see a single squirrel with multiple acorns in his cheeks. "well maybe he brought those from home" "it's uh possible" The Great Cheryl bends down to pat the little squirrel on the head, when suddenly, a gunshot rings out. The Great Cheryl, faster than the eye can see, catches the bullet in her hand. "well this is unfortunate" The Great Cheryl magically follows the trajectory of the bullet to its origin, and grabs the sniper and drags her over. "howdy there" "um hi" The assassin begins to sweat, as this has never happened before. "what's your name" "um sophia" "so miss sophia what's up; why are you shooting at me" "i uh slipped" "you slipped?" "yeah well i got up out of bed this afternoon and slipped on a bar of soap all through town and landed up in that tree and the impact of the landing set off my gun you know" "what an unlikely series of coincidences" "indeed!!!" Jakey, confused at one detail, steps forward. "so um let me get this straight: you were sleeping with your gun" "i always sleep with mr. shooty!!! he's my best friend!!!" "is he loaded when you sleep with him" "no not after what happened that one time" "so how did he get loaded to fire at the great cheryl" "oh well uh i keep the bullets on the top shelf and while i was sliding around one must have fallen into the chamber" "also why was there a bar of soap on your floor" "where else would i keep it" "on a shelf or something?" "i only have so many shelves!!!" "oh come now jakey; it's obvious that this was an accident and this nice lady didn't mean it" "yeah that" "one more thing: could you show me the bottom of the sandal that slipped on the soap" "sure sure" Sophia lifts her foot, and there is clear soap residue on the bottom of her sandal. Jakey is taken aback. "uh no further questions" "hey miss sophia would you like an acorn" "i don't know what that is" The Great Cheryl turns around to show Sophia an acorn, but sees Michelle picking through them. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]