A Thing of the Past: Wild West (1883)

Mission 025: Ophidian Grease [Taylor]
"ah jakey good timing; i was just about to head down to the saloon on the west side of town to sell some tonics" "you mean the frigid cowpoke's saloon and arcade?!" "yeah" "it's your funeral" Jakey hops onto the hack of Taylor's wagon, and they ride for the Frigid Cowpoke's Saloon and Arcade. Just as they get there, a man is thrown out the front door. "oh no not again" Jakey runs over to Father Brucie, who is laying down in the dirt. "don't they know it's seven years bad luck to throw a priest?!" "i think that's breaking mirrors" "it can be both things" "whatever; let's just go" Jakey helps Father Brucie up, then follows Taylor into the saloon. "FRIENDS; i am here today with a marvelous miracle meant mostly for the merry menagerie at this musty mess hall!!! a tremendous triumph once emphatically thought totally impossible by the mundane men of modern society!!! within this brilliant bottle lies a bubbling brew which can be bought for few bux here and now!!!" "what does it DO though" "the better question is what doesn't it do!!! it heightens awareness, improves vision, freshens breath, and adds a touch of class and panache to whomever imbibes this irresistable and intoxicating concoction!!!" "sounds like serpent lubricant to me" Jakey quickly pulls out his note card. "oh you must be talking about taylor, the finest purveyor of tonics and elixirs in the west-" Jakey continues reading his card while Taylor continues to pitch. "sir i can assure you no ophidian organisms' vital juices are being obfuscated by my ornery alitteration; i am merely a scion selling scientifically-produced potions and products for your perusal and personal proliferation" "i don't think that word makes any sense in the context you used it in" "getting hung up on the details is the domain of cranially-destitute denizens and delinquents; do not die upon the hill of ignorance!!!" "maybe if you say enough words no one will realise you're not saying anything!!!" A girl pushes up through the crowd all the way to the front. "hey!!! i'd like to buy some tonics!!!" "ah; finally, a sensible statement slides onto the scene!!! miss, what is your name" "i-i'm rachel!!! i am the performer at this saloon!!!" "singing and dancing, i take it?" "yes yes!!!" "well this delightful drink will soothe your distressed vocal chords and legs and definitely help to define you as the definitively divine dancer and singer you've always dreamed of being!!!" "I'LL TAKE ALL OF IT!!!" Rachel begins to huck money at Taylor, and receives bottle after bottle of tonic in return. Soon, Taylor is all cleaned out. "that is all for now, my fantastic friends; stay frosty" Taylor gives a cheap wave and waddles off to his wagon. Rachel uncorks a bottle, and from it springs Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions/Rachel missions]

Mission 026: Technological Wonderment [Olivia]
"ah jakey howdy; you're just in time for a new-fashioned orcish meal" "new-fashioned?" "well it's a momentous day; we orcs have finally invented, through much r and also d, an eating impliment that will not break in our rugged hands!!! i introduce to you!!! THE FORC!!!" Olivia holds up the forc, triumphantly. "here, give it a hold!!!" Olivia passes Jakey the forc, and he immediately falls over backward in his chair. "can't breathe" "oh uh sorry" Olivia lifts the forc off of Jakey, and sets him back upright. "what even is that made out of" "osmium of course; you won't believe how expensive it was to mass-produce these babies" "well uh" "don't worry; we have a drawer full of regular forks for guests" Olivia passes Jakey a fork; she can hold it just fine, but it can't stand up to the brutality with which the orc stabs her food. "uh thanks" Soon, the roast is served and consumed. "that was amazing" "i know right?! now it's time to chase it with some fine orcish wine" "oh boy" "may i present to you our other new invention!!! THE CORC!!!" Olivia points to the corc stuck inside the bottle of wine. "so uh why does that need to be special" "orcish wine is known for its hard-hitting acidity!!! puny human corks melt into the wine and at that point what's the use of even having a cork!!! now we will be able to actually age our wines instead of drinking them right away like we usually do!!!" "will the acidity burn through my esophagus and stomach lining" "nah you'll be fine probably" "how reassuring" Olivia uncorcs the bottle, then pours Jakey, herself, and Michelle each a glass of wine. They sip the wine and Jakey is pleasantly surprised that none of his organs have melted. Michelle quickly finishes her glass and reaches for the bottle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/forc and corc replicas appear at safehouses]

Mission 027: Deep Cover [Special Agent Grace]
"grace have you finished that thing i told you to look into" "yes, i have located the base of the resistance movement that has taken root; it's some shack on the edge of town" "let's roll" Jakey and Grace hop onto Jakey's horse and ride for the shack on the edge of town. Jakey motions for Grace to take the opposite side of the door, then kicks it in. "YOU'RE UNDER A-" Jakey is taken aback when he sees just one woman sitting cross-legged on the floor. "rrest?" "this is the leader of the resistance movement; do not let her unassuming appearance fool you" "your friend is correct; my appearance is completely unassuming because i resist assumptions!!!" "uh what" "i am resistance leadour!!! master of resistance!!!" "and uh exactly what are you resisting" "anything you want!!! everything you need!!! if it exists, i can resist!!! (it)" "uh-" "here's my card" Resistance Leadour hands Jakey her business card, which has her name and the slogan she just said on it. "there's no contact information here" "do not you worry; i resist ignorance!!! when i am needed, i WILL be there!!!" "um, good?" "psst jakey let's get out of here" "yeah right behind you" "resist the urge to avoid coming again soon!!!" Jakey and Grace quickly exit the shack. "that is one scary woman" "she can justify doing ANYTHING she wants as long as she says she's resisting the opposite" "terrifying" Michelle exits the shack, trying desperately hard to resist opening her mouth. "TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 028: On the Rails [Noriko]
"jakey jakey!!! the new windmaster 1884 train is making its maiden voyage tonight!!! we have to go check it out!!!" "okay" Jakey and Noriko hop onto Jakey's horse and ride out to the nearest set of train tracks. A whistle blows loudly as the train chugs toward the two. "oh boy oh boy oh boy" Jakey looks around and inspects the track, but notices a figure tied to the tracks. "AH FUCK" "what what's wrong where are you going" Jakey rushes toward the tracks, but his steps and his form get heavier as he approaches. Jakey knows in this moment that the figure can be nothing other than a vampire, for he is allergic to them, and is currently swelling up like a balloon. His hands swelled up far too much to untie a knot, Jakey bounces onto the track. "howdy miss my name is jakey" "um hi there i'm gwendolyn" "my allergies are preventing me from untying you so please accept this as a substitute" Jakey bounds forward straight into the oncoming train; the weight of his allergies derailing the train and sending it crashing down onto its side. Noriko rushes over and begins untying Gwendolyn. "sorry for ruining your train's debut" "are you kidding?! i was the first person to ever see it derail!!! this was amazing!!!" Noriko finishes untying Gwendolyn, and helps her to her feet. "um thanks for saving me but uh are you okay" "i'll be fine; the allergies absorbed most of the impact" "what are you allergic to" "vampires" "well uh i don't want to send you into anaphylactic shock so um bye" "goodbye; stay well" As Gwendolyn gets further from Jakey, Jakey's swelling goes down. When he's back to his normal frame, Gwendolyn turns around and waves. Jakey and Michelle both wave back. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Windmaster 1884 derailment article appears at safehouses]

Mission 029: A Nice Gesture [Noriko]
"so uh what is it with you and trains anyway noriko" "i like how they're on a pre-determined path outside of their control; it's a metaphor for destiny" "oh that actually kind of makes sense" "i also like the noises they make but that's just an added bonus" "MAIL IS HERE" Jakey answers the door, and the post lady shoves a gigantic package into his hands. She then turns around and quickly marches back to her mail horse. "god bless that post lady" Jakey sets his package down on the table while Noriko shuts the door. "oh it's from that nice vampire lady" Jakey tears open the package and finds a fruit basket and a note. "'i wanted to thank you for saving my death the other day and the traditional gift is a fruit basket but you didn't strike me as the kind of guy who likes fruit so i made a fake fruit basket that hides the actual gift' oh boy" Jakey scans the fruit basket up and down, and twists the banana to reveal a secret compartment. "oh man look it's a candy bar; how did she know i liked candy bars" Jakey takes a good look at the packaging. "chocolate and peanut butter?! those vampires are crazy that'll never work" Jakey tears open the packaging and hands Noriko one of the peanut butter cups, popping the other one into his mouth. "i was wrong" "i don't think a human being has ever been more wrong than you just were" "sometimes, being wrong is actually a good thing" "indeed" "how do they even come up with this shit" "maybe a guy rounded the corner eating a chocolate bar and smacked right into another guy eating peanut butter and the second guy was like 'your stupid-ass chocolate bar has CONTAMINATED my peanut butter!!!' but then they tried it and it was good" "makes sense" Michelle grabs a plastic apple and attempts to take a bite out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fake fruit basket appears at safehouses]

Mission 030: Undying Radiance [Sophia]
Jakey knocks on Sophia's door, and is let in shortly. "oh howdy i wasn't expecting guests" "well i just wanted to see if you were all right after slipping on that soap" "oh how nice; i'm fine" Jakey looks around the house, and notices that almost everything Sophia owns is just laid on the floor. "won't the soap get dirty sitting on the floor like that" "what no; the dirt will get CLEAN if the soap is on the floor like that!!!" "my mistake" A loud series of beeps sounds from the other room. "oh i've got a fax just a second" Sophia climbs over a pile of identical outfits and grabs her fax. "oh not this shit again" Sophia crumples the paper up into a ball and hucks it into the other room. "uh what was that" "another assassination contract but i'm not an assassin!!! i'm just a humble socks and sandalshine" "then what's with the rifle" "he's my friend and he'd prefer it if you call him by his name and not like an object" "um sorry" "mr. shooty forgives you" "so uh who did that guy want you to assassinate" "it's always the same lady out in the desert; apparently someone is jealous of her sizable bust" Jakey's ears perk up at the mention of a sizable bust; that is his favourite kind of bust. Jakey inches toward the discarded assassination contract. "well it's been good seeing you but i've got a lot of such things to do so see you around miss" "oh yes yes; i'd better be getting to the socks and sandals stand as well" Jakey grabs the ball of paper, exits the house, hops on his horse, and spurs hard to the west like a madman. Jakey eventually ends up at one of the largest dwellings he's ever seen, and knocks on the door. Jakey is quickly greeted by a woman with the largest breasts he's ever seen. "howdy" "HOWDY" "um i don't believe we've met" Jakey nervously shakes in place as he beholds the unyielding radiance of the mammary mountains in front of him. The woman grabs a bucket of cold water and splashes it on Jakey's face, shocking him out of his trance. "oh sorry" "happens all the time" "um miss piper jackson right" "yes?" "uh someone wants to assassinate you" "WHAT" Jakey passes Piper the contract, which she pores over with great focus. "oh dear" "do not fear miss; i am a licensed officer of the law and will gladly make sure you come to zero harm!!!" "i have faith in your abilities officer!!!" Jakey is taken aback. "that's a first" Michelle appears from behind Piper, eating a chocolate chip cookie. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 031: The Grace of the Lord [Father Brucie]
"ah my son you are just in time; i was about to attempt to spread the light of the lord to the depths of the ocean!!!" "you know that boats are supposed to ride atop the water rather than underneath the water right" "yes, that is why i have procured this baby" Father Brucie pats the side of an enormous diving bell. "the sea isn't going to part if you just ring a bell; you're not moses" "jakey you don't know what a diving bell is do you" "not uh especially no" "it doesn't matter; just lower the bell into the sea after i climb into it, and pull it back up when i tug on the rope" "can do" Father Brucie climbs into the diving bell and Jakey lowers it as he was told. "now we wait" Jakey looks around nervously, waiting for something to happen. "AVAST and YO HO; i am captain morgan and this is my fearsome crew; we have come to steal your treasure!!!" "i don't have any treasure" "then what are you doing with that diving bell?! it looks like you're finding undersea doubloons to me!!!" "lady, you must not know me very well if you think i'm using an oldfangled piece of equipment for a reasonable purpose" The rope begins to wiggle. "pull it up" "yes, that was the agreed upon signal; note that i am doing this because i promised father brucie i would and not because you told me to" "whatever" Jakey pulls up the diving bell, and Father Brucie leaps onto dry land. "so how'd it go" "the mermaids seemed to like the sermon but uh what's this sailing ship doing here" "AHOY give us your treasure or be cast into the briny deep!!!" "the only treasure i have is the light of the lord" "then hand that over!!!" "it's not a physical thing; it's more of a spiritual thing" "what" Father Brucie climbs aboard Captain Morgan's ship and tells her all about the Lord. While she's distracted, Michelle shoots herself out of a cannon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Captain Morgan missions]

Mission 032: I Came Here to Dance [Rachel]
"howdy there jakey you're just in time to watch me sing and also dance" "you look different somehow" "oh the tonics increased the size of my bust; i am more popular now than i have ever been!!!" "oh yeah good work rachel" "thanks!!!" Rachel marches onto the stage and begins her song. "look at me dance and look at me sing; upon this stage shaped like a ring; look one look all; i'm having a ball; up on this stage; it's all the rage" Rachel begins to breathe heavily, getting tired out long before she usually does. "look at me dance and l-look a-at m-me-" Rachel collapses, her breathing laboured. "um is anyone a doctor here or maybe a nurse" "goddammit" Ruth slams down her drink and walks over to the stage. "i just wanted to relax but noooooooooooo little miss perky has to collapse onstage" Ruth feels up Rachel's chest, but it's okay because she's a licensed practitioner of medicine. Jakey considers getting a medical license for a moment. "your chest is like ridiculously swolen; have you been eating or drinking anything out of the ordinary" "just some miracle tonics" "well stop you're allergic to them" "so it WAS the tonics making my breasts bigger" "yes but in a way that will kill you if you don't stop drinking them" "i do declare!!!" "declare what" "just, like, in general" "whatever; get some rest and don't drink any more tonics" "can do" Ruth goes back to the bar to continue her drink. Rachel is carried off the stage and replaced by Michelle. "look at me dance and look at me sing; upon this stage shaped like a ring; i learned this dance in an old tome; come on jakey take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 033: Not in the Period Spirit [Resistance Leadour]
"howdy miss resistance leadour what's up" "oh i was just about to walk the town" "dressed like THAT?" "what's wrong with how i'm dressed" "where's your ten-gallon hat?! you don't fit in this time period at all!!!" "i am resisting the concept of 'fitting in'!!!" "what?! you're telling me that you aren't rootin' and tootin' every day of the week?!" "there will come a day when rootin' and tootin' is no longer socially acceptable; that is when i will begin rootin' and tootin'" "you're wrong!!! rootin' and tootin' will never go out of style!!!" "then i guess i will never know how it feels to root and/or toot" Jakey is shocked. He vows then and there to make Resistance Leadour know the joys of rootin' AND tootin', confident it will change her life. "hey miss i bet you can't resist being awake RIGHT NOW" "oh yeah?! WATCH ME" Resistance Leadour falls asleep on the spot, standing up. Jakey places a spare ten-gallon hat he was carrying onto Resistance Leadour's head, but it bounces right off. "WHAT" Jakey attempts several more times, but the hat keeps bouncing off. "godDAMMIT" Just then, Michelle walks in, rootin' and tootin' up a storm. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ANGER AND FRUSTRATION]

Mission 034: A Time to Kill [Piper]
"jakey what does it mean when the dogs are barking" "it means it's time for ACTION" Jakey leaps out the window near where the barking originated. Jakey had set up a high-technology security system in front of Piper's house, consisting of a bunch of highly-trained police dogs around the perimiter. When the dogs hear an unnatural rustling or sense a new human presence, they will bark as a warning. Jakey scans the area for the perpetrator, and notices a pair of eyes within the bushes. "howdy there miss" "howdy there mister / my name is lisanita / regular cowgirl" "that is not a very regular name" "it totally is / i will root and i will toot / you know how we do" "so what are you doing in this neck of the woods miss 'lisanita'" "rootin' and tootin!!! / like all normal cowgirls do / just me and my horse" "what horse" "unfortunately, / he is no longer with us / rip, never forget" "what happened?!" "i needed to mail / subscription card but did not / have glue for the stamp" "um don't those usually say 'no postage necessary'" "..." "..." "FUCKING FUCK SHIT COCK / DAMN-ASS FUCKING BULLSHIT-ASS / MOTHERFUCKING SHIT" "was it a good subscription at least" "oh yeah totally / all the latest horsecare tips / at my fingertips" "will that really do you any good without a horse" "..." "..." "GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT / BULLSHIT-ASS FUCKING GODDAMN / DAMN FUCKING-ASS SHIT" 'Lisanita' throws down the latest issue of Horses Weekly at the ground in disgust. Jakey picks up the book and reads the address label. "so, miss yuko, is it?" "..." "..." "i have no idea / whom of which you are speaking / do not know yuck-o" "bad grammar won't distract me; i know you're here to assassinate piper" Yuko attempts to make a quick escape, but Jakey baps her on the head with a police stick, knocking her out. "you are under arrest; you have the right to remain unconscious" Jakey drags Yuko's body into the police carriage right next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Horses Weekly appears at safehouses]

Mission 035: Wishful Thinking [Piper]
"oh jakey thank you so much for ridding me of that assassin!!! i'd like to give you a present from my personal collection" Piper passes Jakey a package. "what kinds of things do you collect" "it would be easier to tell you what i DON'T collect!!! i have acquired many ancient relics over the years and i am passing this one to you!!!" "oh thanks" Jakey opens the package and finds a small lamp. "oh um what's this" "it's a magic lamp!!! i got it from the magic lamps store; the salesman told me that if you rub it, a genie will appear!!!" "have you attempted to rub it?" "no because the lamp disappears after you use all your wishes and i wanted to put it on a shelf forever but now that i've given it to you you are free to use it how you please" "well thanks" Jakey rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie. "howdy" "howdy" "i am jean the genie; you can now make three wishes" "i wish for a pepperoni pizza!!!" Jean wiggles her fingers, and a piping hot pizza appears in front of Jakey. Since this is the old west, Jakey has never seen Aladdin, and doesn't know the proper etiquette is to wish for the genie's freedom with the third wish, so he also wishes for a lava lamp and a GameCube copy of Madden NFL 2002. Jean and the lamp then disappear into the aether. "what in the world is a gamecube" "i had no idea what to use the final two wishes for so i just started stringing words and letters and syllables together randomly" "oh that makes sense" Jakey, Piper, and Michelle all eat pizza and watch the lava lamp go. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lava lamp and GameCube copy of Madden NFL 2002 appear at safehouses]

Mission 036: Wet Paint [Captain Morgan]
"glad you showed up jakey; thanks to your friend, we have finally found jesus" "oh good; he's a nice guy" "indeed; so we will be plundering paintings of him for the forseeable future; check out our collection" Captain Morgan leads Jakey below deck, and shows him hundreds of paintings of Jesus she'd stolen. "oh wow um is the open sea really a good place for paintings though" "jakey, these are paintings of JESUS; jesus is all-powerful and thus no harm will befall his paintings" "if you say so" "now we've received word of a painting of jesus being painted AS WE SPEAK at a small chateau in canada; i would like to invite you along as we steal it" "sounds good" "ANCHORS AWEIGH" Captain Morgan's crew gets the ship sailed off to Canada. Luckily, the painter's chateau was built oceanside. A crewman hucks the anchor into the window of the chateau, and everyone scampers along the chain and into the chateau. "SACREBLEU" "howdy miss we are here to steal your art" "ACK non!!! not ze art!!!" "stop talking like that" "sorry" "so please pass me the painting" "over my dead fucking body" "okay" Captain Morgan draws her cutlass and advances toward the painter. Thinking quickly, the painter grabs a bottle of red paint and squirts it ahead wildly. "oh goddammit you've ruined my outfit" Captain Morgan hucks her sword forward, pinning the painter to the wall. "now let's see here" Captain Morgan grabs the painting and gazes upon it. "what the fuck is this" "it's our lord and saviour, jesus christ" "no it's not; it's a bunch of weird shapes" "you people just don't understand ART" Captain Morgan drops the painting dismissively, and she and her crew return to the ship. Jakey helps the painter down from the wall. "um thanks" "don't mention it" "you understand my art, right?!" "yeah i think so; those stars at the top are the crown of thorns right" "YES FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS MY VISION" "uh sure" "my name is alison lacroix; i am going to go down in history as a brilliant artist and nothing will stop me" "good luck with that" "thanks!!!" Jakey glances over into the other room, where Michelle is squirting bottles of paint onto canvases and selling them for the big bux. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions]

Mission 037: A Cure for Your Ill [Ruth]
"so then i says to yuko - you know what i says? i says-" "NURSE I NEED HELP URGENTLY" "oh joy" Ruth trudges off to the source of the noise. Deputy Orange stands next to a Chinese lady, who is flailing around seemingly at random. "what's wrong now" "i was showing this chinese tourist around our fair west and then she started doing THIS" "YEEHAW" "oh dear; this has been known to happen" The tourist shuffles around, pantomiming aiming and shooting her guns into the air. "when a foreigner is exposed to too much of our wild west lives at once, this pathogen takes hold; miss tourist here is suffering from rootintootinitis" "what in the world is that?! i have to get her safely back home within the next ten missions or so!!! wu huiqing is an important chinese dignitary!!!" "rootintootinitis causes the afflicted to root and toot without pause; there is only one known way to stop someone with rootintootinitis from rootin' and tootin'" "oh please nurse; we'll do anything" "okay" Ruth winds up a mighty slap, and gives Wu Huiqing five across the face. "what happened where are we why does my face hurt" "well uh" As if on cue to save Deputy Orange from having to explain, Michelle appears from behind the counter, wearing a lampshade on her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions/Wu Huiqing missions]

Mission 038: Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am [Alison]
"jakey throughout history, all great artists have had to suffer for their art" "okay" "well since i've lived in high-class canadian society my whole life, i don't know the meaning of 'sufferage' so i looked it up and apparently in order to do art good, i've got to VOTE" "canada is a monarchy" "yeah, but it doesn't say i have to vote for dumb political shit" "what else could you possibly vote for" "oh oh oh what if there was a competition where a bunch of people sang songs and the audience voted for who would be eliminated" "that sounds really difficult to organise" "okay what if we traveled to a parallel universe where canada is actually a republic and an election is happening right now and i took the place of the parallel universe version of me and voted for a candidate in the election" "that sounds ridiculous; firstly, how would we travel to-" A buzzing light appears right next to Jakey and Alison. From within emerges a woman dressed in neon-lighted attire. "ALISON COME WITH ME QUICKLY" "what the fuck is this shit" Jakey gives Alison a slight nudge. "oh right i meant SACREBLEU" The woman bonks Alison on the head with a cudgel and drags her into her machine, and disappears. Moments later, the machine reappears, and Alison emerges from within just before the machine disappears. "what the fuck was that" "so um that was azalea; she is from the distant year of 20XX but resides in the less distant year of 2017" "you've lost me" "it doesn't matter; she likes my paintings but apparently she had to come back in time to take me to a parallel universe so i could vote in an election so i could experience sufferage for my art" "so did you get to see the future" "no i had a bag over my head most of the time" "oh is the future really so beautiful that your face needs a bag over it? i find you attractive" "oh thanks" The time machine reappears, and Michelle is kicked out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/appreciation painting appears at safehouses]

Mission 039: Showdown [Alison]
"jakey i have decided that i want my next painting to be of a real wild west gunfight!!!" "oh cool" "yes but to capture the true grit of a wild west gunfight, i have to see one in person; you look sufficiently rootin' and tootin'; can you go get in a wild west gunfight for me" "okay let's go" Jakey and Alison hop onto Jakey's horse and ride out for a nearby town. "oh oh jakey pick a fight with that guy; he totally looks rootin' AND tootin'" "got it" Jakey moseys on over to the man Alison had pointed out. "howdy my name is jakey" "howdy i'm bendik" "would you care to have a gunfight with me" "oh sure sure" Jakey and Bendik line up opposite eachother, hands ready to draw their revolvers. "DRAW" Jakey and Bendik both draw their revolvers, and are within a nanometre of firing. "STOP RIGHT THERE" At Alison's outburst, the two men freeze up, startled. Alison slams down an easel and begins to paint the scene in front of her. "just hold that position guys!!!" Minutes turn to hours as Alison paints the scene. "viola!!! it is done!!!" Alison turns the easel around, and Bendik seems impressed. Jakey, however, is nearsighted and can't see it very well. As Jakey steps forward for a closer look, Michelle slides in front of him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dissatisfaction]

Mission 040: Case Closed [Deputy Orange]
"jakey you're just in time to watch as i arrest the perpetrator!!!" "perpetrator of what, exactly" "okay so graves are being dug up at the graveyard right and that's illegal right" "right" "well i thought about it and i realised who is actually to blame!!! the motive is right there!!!" "okay, show me your work" "with pleasure" Deputy Orange opens the door to the interrogation room and slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Valerie. "WH-WHAT" "WHAT" "it's clear that this gravedigger is the culprit!!! who would stand to gain from exhuming corpses?! THE WOMAN WHO IS PAID TO BURY THEM AGAIN" "..." "..." Jakey pauses to think for a moment, but he is unable to come up with anything to counter Deputy Orange's foolproof logic. "b-b-b-b-but i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-" "hell of a defense you've got there lady" "hey deputy orange before you throw her in the gallows, can i take a look at the crime scene" "be my guest" Deputy Orange and Jakey head over to the graveyard and take a look at the exhumed graves. Jakey can tell at a glance that something is amiss. "valerie didn't do this" "how do you figure" "these holes were dug with a dull shovel; valerie's shovel is incredibly sharp and its blade would not leave such haphazard holes" "maybe she has a second shovel that she keeps dull so she can cast suspicion elsewhere" "possible, but unlikely; these footprints here are much too big to be valerie's" "she could have bought a larger pair of socks and sandals in order to leave bigger footprints" "or maybe she just didn't do it" "i find that unlikely; who else would even have a motive?" "well, halloween is next month; what if someone wanted props for their halloween party" "..." "..." "okay okay yeah that actually makes a lot of sense" Deputy Orange releases Valerie and unlocks her handcuffs. "i'm still watching you lady" Deputy Orange backs up, pointing at his eyes, then at Valerie repeatedly, until he trips over a headstone and falls over, landing on Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 041: Culture Barrier [Wu Huiqing]
"JAKEY the wild west is the coolest!!! we don't have rootin' OR tootin' in china!!!" "jesus how do you even survive such a pathetic existence" "it didn't seem pathetic before but now i see the error of our ways!!! i must bring rootin' and tootin' to china!!!" "the more the merrier i suppose" "could you teach me the secrets of rootin' and tootin'" "it's uh not much of a secret; first you need one of these" Jakey places a ten-gallon hat onto Wu Huiqing's head. "oh wow!!!" "so i guess the first thing we need to do is get into a gunfight; the west wouldn't be very wild without those" Jakey hands Wu Huiqing a revolver of her very own. "uh i've never used one of these before" "don't worry it's simple; just point it at your target and pull the trigger" "okay i'll give it a try" "so who would be a good opponent hmmmm" Jakey suddenly gets an idea, and within seconds, Resistance Leadour shows up. "GAH" "told you i'd resist not knowing where i was needed!!!" "whatever; i need you to stand over there and resist something for me" "oh nice a surprise resistance!!! i am currently resisting vibrating with excitement" Resistance Leadour takes her spot on the other side of the road. "okay so when i say 'draw', you draw your gun and fire" "uh okay" "DRAW" Wu Huiqing pulls out a pad of paper and sketches her gun. She then pulls out a lighter and sets it alight. "okay so lesson number two: our language has a lot of words with multiple meanings" "that's uh really dumb; just make new words" "whatever; what i meant was when i say 'draw', you pull out your gun and shoot it" "why would you say 'draw' and not 'pull'" Jakey slaps himself in the face. "uh nevermind" "DRAW" Wu Huiqing draws her gun and fires all six shots into Resistance Leadour. The bullets bounce straight off of her. "now, with a less ridiclous target, the bullets would go into her and kill her so you can't just duel anyone" "oh okay that makes sense but how do i decide who i should kill" "you know, anyone who like looks at you funny or is mean to you" "oh cool" Michelle walks up to Jakey, and looks at him funny. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 042: Hang Up the Bone [Valerie]
"j-j-j-jakey l-look at this!!!" Valerie leads Jakey over to a pile of gigantic bones she'd dug up. "oh wow these bones are huge" "y-yeah!!! i-i-i m-may have d-discovered a n-new sp-species of exinct animal!!!" "i think this might actually be sasquatch bones!!!" "s-s-s-s-sasquatch?! oh n-no!!! i-i-i-i d-didn't know h-he was d-dead!!!" "oh don't worry there's more than one sasquatch; there's an entire race of them" "oh g-good" "allow me to arrange these bones into their true form" "o-okay" Valerie watches as Jakey moves around the bones until they resemble a huge, vaguely human-shaped figure. "done" "um i-i-i understand m-most of it b-b-but wh-what are those b-bones for" Valerie points to two large bones protruding from the ribcage. "well this was clearly a female sasquatch; those bones are from its bountiful rack of tits" "b-b-b-but b-boobs d-d-don't have b-bones" "not HUMAN boobs, but sasquatch boobs are so large that without the support of a sturdy bone, they'd just drag on the ground" "w-wow!!!" Valerie takes Jakey's assumptions and wishful thinking as fact. Michelle wanders up and drops even more bones next to the reassembled Sasquatch skeleton. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/accreditation]

Mission 043: Green and Thorny [Resistance Leadour]
"hey jakey do you have any ideas for something i can resist (in addition to my current resisting coming up with ideas)" "why don't you resist the pain of sitting on a cactus" "OH YES" Resistance Leadour hops up onto the top of a cactus and takes a nice seat. "oh MAN this is the best scene ever!!! don't move miss!!!" "could you phrase your request using the word 'resist'" "uh resist moving miss!!!" "CAN DO" Resistance Leadour freezes in place as Alison paints the scene. "why are you painting THAT" "oh jakey howdy; look at that scene though!!! the sun setting and the thorns of the cactus standing out as one lone woman sits atop it!!! mankind has tamed the wild green cactus!!! this painting and its subject will be world-famous!!!" Resistance Leadour resists a smirk; she will resist becoming world-famous, and it will be the greatest feat no one's ever heard. A single tear wells up in the corner of Resistance Leadour's eye at the mere thought of such an amazing display, but she resists its fall. That beautiful single tear will forever remain unfallen, a testament to her resistance of being undedicated. Michelle's single tear, however, is unable to remain unfallen. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions]

Mission 044: Like One of Your French Girls [Alison]
"jakey, i want to paint a real, dead ghost but all of the ones i've seen are really mean and have posessed my paintbrush and drawn moustaches on my face" "oh were they the curly ones or the bushy ones" "curly" "oh lame" "so um anyway do you know any nice ghosts i can paint" "oh yeah totally mount up" Jakey and Alison hop onto Jakey's horse and ride for the docks, where they board a ship to Alabama, then ride out to the decrepit mine. "are you sure this is the place" "..." "..." "wait, shit wrong mine" Jakey and Alison ride out once again to the old mine, where a gaggle of ghost dogs bark happily. "oh howdy jakey how's life" "not bad; how's death" "can't complain" "so this is alison, she wants to paint your picture" "oh shit yeah okay okay check it out: so there's this guy right and he's standing on a boat or something but he's REALLY scared right and-" "no i meant she wants to paint a picture OF you" "oh" Claire looks downward, disappointed. "okay i guess" Alison sets up her easel and pulls out her paint pallet. "what are you doing just standing there for" "oh uh should i pose or something" "well, yes, but honestly is this your first time posing for a painting" "yeah" "disrobe" "wha-" "i want to paint a ghost not a bunch of clothing" "uh f-fair enough" As Claire begins to disrobe, Michelle pops up from behind. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 045: Conscription [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"so claire how'd it go" "um w-well i think" "good good" All of a sudden, a fiery portal opens up, and from it walks a demoness, complete with goat legs. "ah there you are!!! it usually doesn't take me forty missions to find a new undead!!!" "wha-" "i mean, how many mines can one town have?! the decrepit mine, the abandonned mine, the deserted mine, the forsaken mine, the dilapidated mine, the crumbling mine, etc. etc. but you were in the old mine all along" "who are you" "oh right!!! my name is jezebel but you can call me jezzie!!! i'm the demoness in charge of our flat earth!!!" "um howdy?" "howdy!!! claire i know you're new to this whole 'undead' thing so let me tell you how it works: you sign up for the evil union-" "that's redundant" "yes it is, jakey!!! so you sign up (or else!!!), and then you haunt where i assign you and pay me your evil taxes!!!" "and what do i get out of the deal" "you'll get an unlife free of me casting your soul to burn in hell for all eternity!!!" "where do i sign" "i knew you'd make the right choice!!!" Jezzie hands Claire a contract, and Claire signs as quickly as ghostly possible. "so this mine looks like a good spot; keep doing what you're doing!!!" "o-okay" "would you like to sign up as well jakey" "no" "oof the jakeys have always been the difficult ones; you and that damn sheriff" "yeah we're kind of 'lawful good' up in this" "well you're not undead so i can't cast your soul without major legal issues and political drama and whathaveyou so i'll just ask again later" "cool" "catch you dudes on the flipside!!!" "what" "the fuck does that mean" "oh uh" Jezzie flips through her wild west lingo dictionary. "sorry i meant: well i'd better skeeeeeeeedaddle; keep on rootin' and also tootin'!!!" Jezzie warps away, leaving nothing but brimstone behind. "what a weird lady" "so um even though i'm evil now can we still hang out" "sure sure it's not like it's contagious" Another portal opens, and from it comes Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 046: Turn Out the Lights [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we need to get those damn-ass chicagoians back for what they've done!!!" "YEAH-wait what did they do" "that is unimportant; what IS important is that we need to get them back for it!!!" "YEAH" Sheriff Antony, Jakey, and Deputy Orange mount their horses and ride hard to Chicago. "CHICAGOIANS" "ah shit blakey they're here to get us back for what we did!!!" "OH NO-wait what did we do" "that is unimportant; what IS important is that they are here to get us back for it!!!" "OH NO" Sheriff Antoinette peaks her head up out of the fort. "uh hey guys lovely day we're having" "cut the shit; we know it was you" "ah damn you got me; but you will NEVER get through all FIVE of our chicagoian forts!!! each one is specifically-constructed so that you have to do something stupid and convoluted to destroy one!!! and the same stupid plan will NOT work twice!!!" Jakey smirks; stupid and convoluted plans are his specialty. If they'd really wanted to keep him out, they'd have made it so it can only be breached in a sensible and obvious manner. "all right, i need about thirty ladders" "oh are we going to each climb a ladder to get on the wall" "NO they can just easily kick those down!!! trust me, i know what i'm doing" Sheriff Antony and Deputy Orange look at eachother and shrug, going off to collect thirty ladders. As they return with more and more ladders, Jakey has them throw the ladders in a pile at the base of the wall. "now we can climb atop this pile of ladders to scale the wall!!!" "UH SHERIFF ANTOINETTE THEY'RE CLIMBING ON LADDERS" "pfft just kick them down" "NO I MEAN THEY'VE STACKED UP A PILE OF LIKE THIRTY LADDERS AND ARE USING IT AS A HILL" "AW FUCK" As Jakey crests the wall, he sees Blakey and Sheriff Antoinette make a break for it. "WE'VE CAPTURED THE FIRST FORT" "i can't believe that worked" "'i'll go round up the ladders" "don't bother; the same trick won't work twice" "why not" "they'll probably have prepared a termite defense force or some matches or something; i know how this works" Michelle lights a match and burns the ladders to cinders. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the first fort]

Mission 047: The Party's Over [Sheriff Antony]
"hey uh sheriff antoinette don't we have any defensive weapons or anything" "what? no don't be silly" "well those three weirdos are back to take our fort" "i'd like to see them try" Jakey paces back and forth in front of the fort. "we need to build a dam so we can flood the fort" "jakey, the fort is on top of a hill" "yeah, so?" "also, there aren't any bodies of water or rivers nearby" "what does this have to do with anything" "if we built a dam, nothing would happen" "deputy, could you please stop trying to think; you're embarrassing yourself" Deputy Orange sighs as he goes to gather wood. Soon, the three heroes have built a mighty dam in the middle of a desert. "now what genius" Jakey and Sheriff Antony wordlessly pull out their umbrellas. Soon, rain violently falls from the sky, soaking Deputy Orange to the bone. The dam holds the water at the top of the hill with the fort, flooding it completely. "BLAKEY WE'VE GOT TO GO" "it's only up to our ankles" "I JUST BOUGHT THESE SOCKS AND SANDALS I DON'T WANT THEM RUINED ALREADY" Sheriff Antoinette and Blakey flee from the fort. "VICTOLY" "the path to the fort is underwater now how are we going to change out the flag now" Jakey and Sheriff Antony stare holes into Deputy Orange. He sighs, and climbs over the dam. Michelle slides down the wet hill on her stomach. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the second fort]

Mission 048: They Say That All Good Things Must End [Sheriff Antony]
"hey uh sheriff antoinette shouldn't we be actively trying to thwart their attempts to breach the fort" "pfft they'll never come up with five whole convoluted plans" "um i'm not so sure" "come on look at them; they're just laying down metal bars with wood joining them together; what the fuck is that going to accomplish" "i'm not sure but um do you hear that" A loud chugging noise gets closer and closer as a train barrels down the tracks that Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and Deputy Orange laid down. "uh we should move" "come on; a train can't hit us it has to follow its-" Sheriff Antoinette looks down to see that the track runs straight into the fort. "okay yeah maybe we should move" As Blakey and Sheriff Antoinette scramble to get out of the fort, the train crashes straight into it. "that's three" Deputy Orange tears down the Chicagoian flag and tosses it onto the flaming wreckage of the train. Michelle exits the train, upset that they lost her luggage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the third fort]

Mission 049: Call it a Night; the Party's Over [Sheriff Antony]
"what in the world is he doing now" "he appears to be folding a piece of metal over and over again" "how many times has he folded it" "i lost track after around 8,500" "uh-oh" "uh-oh?!" "he's creating a hanzo steel katana!!! the metal is folded over 9,000 times!!! it can cut through anything!!!" Jakey finally finishes his katana, and inserts it into its sheath. "sayonara, chicagoians" Jakey unsheathes his katana and hacks away at the air. "what the fuck is he doing" "we've got to get out of here NOW" "he isn't touching anything with the blade though it won't do anything" Sheriff Antoinette drags Blakey out of the fort as Jakey sheathes his katana. The second the handguard hits the edge of the sheath, the fort's walls are sliced into thousands of pieces. Jakey tosses the sword onto the ground carelessly, for it is useless to him now. Deputy Orange climbs up to replace the flag as Michelle grabs the katana off the ground. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the fourth fort]