A Thing of the Past: Wild West 4 - Long Live the Queen (1886)

Mission 051: Back to Business [Jezzie]
"well this is the spot" Jakey takes a seat in a chair at the spot Jezzie told him to come two years ago. Suddenly, the sky turns red and a bolt of pure darkness falls to the Earth. "i'm back baby" "howdy jezzie" "howdy jakey; thanks for coming" "i didn't want to miss it; you may never die and revive again in my lifetime" "we can only hope" "so do you know what's going on in hell" "no, give me the QRD" "what" "the quick rundown" "OH okay so: there was a hellection and gravella won" "seriously? i didn't know she had it in her" "but then echidna decided to stage a coup using technology gained from the friendly aliens who invaded to help us stop the evil aliens who also invaded" "oh nice i love a plot twist" "so echidna made an army of anti-gravity snakes and captured gravella and did the whole slowburn execution method" "i love slowburn executions" "but gravella then used her desperation attack and wiped out echidna's army and crushed echidna with a chunk of sedimentary basalt" "nice; she has one of the cooler desperation attacks" "i imagine echidna's is just like a big snake" "yeah hers is lame; anyway, who did gravella name as her successor" "lilith" "again? i swear that 90% of the time i revive, lilith has somehow become queen of hell in my absence" "so are you going to go in full force on her or play with her a bit" "i always play with my victims; it's the best part!!!" "fair" "thanks for the QRD jakey; here, have this souvenir from the forbidden zone" Jezzie passes Jakey a Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 052: At a Loss [Jezzie]
Jakey enters the saloon and encounters a scene he wants to keep his nose out of. "howdy eleatrice!!!" "jezzie" "..." "..." "howdy" "what are you doing in this saloon? i figured you'd be queen of hell again" "don't you have another demoness's hopes and dreams to destroy" "not until later, no" "listen, i have nothing right now except these alcoholic drinks and i've built up a tolerance and can't get drunk any more, so could you please just leave me alone" "fine fine; to be honest, however, i expected you to win the hellection again, and was prepared to have to put you down again like the old dog you are" "yeah yeah" "goodbye eleatrice; hope to see you in a prominent position of power again someday" "i bet you do" Eleatrice drinks and drinks, but her sorrows remain undrowned. Michelle gets her drinks to go in a little doggie bag. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 053: Preparedness [Lilith]
"howdy lilith-" "jakey now is not a good time; please leave your pining love for me at the door; jezzie's going to invade at any moment" "i don't think she'll invade for a week or so" "that's what she wants you to think; i've been up day and night preparing our defenses and i have dranken so much coffee that my eyes are starting to bleed" "you're going to be so tired by the time jezzie does invade that she'll be able to win easily" "what do i do then?! she knows when i've been sleeping, she knows when i'm awake; she knows if i've been bad or good even!!!" "lilith, i have an idea for you that has never been tried, and may prevent jezzie from violently murdering you" "what is it" "surrender" "..." "..." "was that supposed to be a joke?" "no?" "jakey, i can't do that; i'd be teased mercilessly for the rest of time as 'the demoness who surrendered to jezzie', plus she'd probably kill me anyway for fun" "you're right" "so i need you to go to the tonic store and get me some miracle tonics to help me stay awake for a few months on end" "fine, fine" Jakey leaves and returns with some Smelling Salts Cold Brew. "the cure for what ails you; made with zero input from echidna" "just the way i like it" Lilith downs a bottle of Smelling Salts Cold Brew, and is instantly awakened, possibly forever. "that was the worst thing i've ever tasted" "but you are wide alert now and your eyes have never been more open and bloodshot" Michelle walks up and downs a case of Smelling Salts Cold Brew. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 054: Great Brew [Lilith]
"howdy lilith-" "howdy jakey these tonics you got me sure are great aren't they? just the greatest i would love to drink more and more of them IN FACT i believe i shall" Lilith guzzles down five more tonics, and her heart stops. "lilith?" Lilith does not respond. "lil?" Lilith does not respond. Jakey pokes Lilith's motionless body with a stick, but still, no response. Jezzie teleports in. "oh goddammit" "i think she's dead jezzie" "how am i supposed to stage a violent coup now?!" "you could always win the hellection" "the hellection?! me?! i've never competed in one before, and i'm not about to now" "well, lilith seems to be dead so you have little choice" "oh that's just great; now i have to campaign? to get people to vote for me?" "you could always just kill every other major demoness so that you win by default" "..." "..." "YOU'RE A GENIUS JAKEY" "um thanks?" "oh man this is going to be so fun; i've killed lilith hundreds of times but killing everyone else? oh boy" "isn't eleatrice all that's left?" "nah, there are thirteen major demonesses, one for each of the deadly sins" "what? there are only seven deadly sins" "oh how little you know" "so if lilith, echidna, gravella, and timera are all dead, that leaves eight for you to kill?" "wynne doesn't count because i banished her for all eternity in 1723" "seven demonesses then?" "a nice managable number i'd say" Michelle pours out a Smelling Salts Cold Brew on the curb for Lilith. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 055: Binging [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice" "howdy jakey; i heard about lilith" "are you planning to run in the hellection?" "against jezzie? no way" "smart, because there isn't going to be a hellection" "what" "jezzie has appointed me her harbinger; please allow me to harbinge to you" "..." "..." "go ahead?" "jezzie plans to kill you and every other demoness in order to win the hellection by default; she wanted a bloody coup and by god is she going to get one" "i don't suppose i can just opt out?" "she does not care for surrender and is determined to murder all seven demonesses in her way" "why are you telling me this? aren't you supposed to be the hero who kills jezzie?" "who, me? no, that's the sort of thing i hope to avoid and pass on to my descendants" "you literally went back in time to the industrial revolution to help four other jakeys kill jezzie" "that was a special situation" "how so" "i was called forth with the power of the hankering emerald; you can't just let those calls go to voicemail" "so if i were to acquire the hankering emerald, i could call you to kill jezzie for me?" "that's not how it works; if you assemble all four gemstones on the belt, you call past and future versions of yourself who were reincarnated with the same spirit of adventure" "could five eleatrices kill jezzie?" Jakey shrugs. "may as well try it" "that's the spirit" Michelle hands Eleatrice the belt the gemstones go on. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 056: A Nice Gesture [Jezzie]
"well this is the spot" Jakey takes a seat in a chair at the spot Jezzie told him to come two hours ago. Suddenly, the sky turns red and a bolt of pure ice falls to the Earth. "icelia is back baby" "howdy miss icelia; i am the harbinger of jezzie" "icelia does not care about jezebel; icelia is here for revenge on that ruffian lilith for daring to strike icelia from behind" "lilith is dead" "what!!! how did she die?!" "heart attack from drinking too many tonics; she was an extremely paranoid queen of hell" "and she won the hellection too?! disgusting" "well, no she didn't, but that's neither here nor there; jezzie wants to avoid a hellection by killing all seven remaining demonesses" "sacrebleu!!! where is she?! icelia is ready for fisticuffs!!!" "she's not here; she told me to tell you that even though she could strike you down this instant, she chose not to to avoid being, and i quote, 'a spawn-camping little bitch'" "ah it is good to see that jezebel has some honour unlike that rapscallion lilith!!! icelia will take her leave now and prepare icelia's self for a proper duel; adieu" Icelia glides off on a sheet of ice, which Michelle slips on. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions]

Mission 057: A Not-so-Nice Gesture [Jezzie]
"howdy there miss gremory; i am the harbinger of jezzie, and she told me to tell you that you're the first demoness she's going to kill to become queen of hell by default" "i'd like to see her try; my sublime evil cannot be extinguished" As Gremory begins to laugh maniacally, Jezzie cuts her down where she stands. "always hated her" "i only knew her for forty seconds, but i was incredibly annoyed the whole time" "would you believe me if i told you she's not even the worst one?" "really?" "yeah i might just kill terraphina without you to avoid subjecting you to her whole deal" "thank you for considering my wants and needs" "anytime; you're the best harbinger i've ever had, by default" "fitting for your quest to win the hellection by default" "exactly!!!" Michelle tosses Gremory's body into the incinerator. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 058: A Very Nice Gesture [Jezzie]
"howdy jezzie; how's the hunt going" "oh it's great; i killed terraphina off-screen between missions so as to avoid subjecting you to her particular um quirks" "what was she the demoness of" "rocks and dirt; when we aren't trying to kill eachother, demonesses like to gang up on and kill terraphina for kicks" "that bad?" "her existence gets demonesses to team up with gremory" "i mean, gremory is attractive until she opens her mouth" "terraphina doesn't even have that" "i'm glad you spared me then" "shame that your sister expected you to be there when i killed her and had to witness terraphina in action" "oh no; michelle, are you okay?" Michelle stands there, shaking and traumatised. "t-take me home p-pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 059: An Impregnable Fortress [Icelia]
"howdy icelia" "oh monsieur harbinger; is it time for jezebel to arrive already? icelia's fortress is ready for any assault" "i see that; it's very impressive, but jezzie will not be attacking right now" "oh, so this is a personal visit? well icelia has got an offer for you, monsieur harbinger: quit being jezebel's toady and become icelia's toady instead" "do you honestly believe you can defeat jezzie?" "icelia's fortress is impregnable; this solid palace of ice cannot be destroyed by jezebel's weak darkness attacks!!! icelia is invincible inside icelia's castle!!!" The sun rises, and its intense rays begin to melt Icelia's castle. "SACREBLEU!!! icelia had not accounted for this orb of fire rising in the sky!!!" "that's the sun; it's comes up every day" "every single day? without a single day off? how could icelia have ever accounted for that!!!" "uh-" "monsieur harbinger, please help icelia keep icelia's castle from melting" "how would i do that" "go and force that awful sun to stop rising and never rise again hopefully" "our best scientists have been trying to accomplish that for millions of years to no avail" "oh for fuck's sake" While Icelia struggles to keep her walls from melting, Michelle struggles to keep her ice cream from melting. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 060: You Look Like an Angel [Jezzie]
"howdy there miss colouria; i am the harbinger of jezzie, and she told me to tell you of your impending death at her hands" "she's right behind me isn't she?" "yeah" "well i won't go down that easily; BEHOLD!!! MY DESPERATION ATTACK!!!" Colouria channels all of her power into her first and final attack. Beams of pure colour stream out from Colouria's hands; colours Jakey has never before seen and never will see again flow before his very eyes. Once every ounce of colour she can muster is thrown at Jezzie, Colouria falls to the ground, lifeless. Colouria's final attack hit Jezzie directly, completing inverting her colour pallet. "that was um interesting" "i figured you'd enjoy colouria's desperation attack so i just let her do it" Jezzie shakes herself off like a wet dog, shaking off the inverted colours and returning to her normal hues. "wait, that's it? that's all it does? and it's that easy to shake off?" "colouria is a lover, not a fighter" "apparently" Michelle walks up, having stolen a shirt from Colouria in a colour Jakey's never seen before. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 061: Walk Like an Angel [Jezzie]
"howdy there miss leanthe; i am-" Jakey notices that Leanthe is currently asleep. "howdy? HOWDY?" Jakey shakes Leanthe over and over, but still she slumbers. "jezzie, i can't harbinge if she's sleeping" "ah well; i half expected this" Jezzie shrugs and plunges her fist straight into Leanthe's chest, killing her instantly. "leanthe's nature powers are pretty strong; shame no one ever really gets to see them in action" "if only she weren't a narcoleptic" "i hear they make tonics for that" "i've uh heard of some pretty bad side effects" "shame" Michelle tosses Leanthe's body into the incinerator. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 062: Talk Like an Angel [Jezzie]
"howdy there miss irona; i am the harbinger of jezzie, and she told me to tell you of your impending death at her hands" "i'd like to see her try; to get her hands anywhere near my body, it will have to pass through the sharpest metal known to man, then penetrate my bismuth-coated magnesium armour" "it was more of a figure of speech; she's sending a long-range bolt of darkness your way as we speak" "oh, well that's embarrassing" Irona gives Jakey a sheepish wave goodbye as she is disintegrated. "she didn't put up as much of a fight as she'd hoped" "it always goes that way" "shame that bismuth-coated magnesium armour couldn't help" "her whole house is made out of it; it couldn't stop a dart much less a demoness" Michelle charges through the wall of Irona's house. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 063: But I Got Wise [Jezzie]
"howdy there miss icelia; today is the day, and the time is now" "good; icelia has been metaphorically itching for this fight" Icelia creates a spiked shield of ice around herself. "good luck getting through icelia's shield, jezebel" "thanks" Jezzie winds up a devastating punch, shattering Icelia's shield. Icelia had anticipated this move, however, and stabs Jezzie through the gut with an icicle. "such a cute little move icelia; look down at your icicle" "SACREBLEU!!! icelia's icicle has melted without puncturing a hole in jezebel's stomach!!!" "i cut off lilith's hand specifically because i knew you'd try this trick; its fiery hotness completely negates your ice-based attacks" "sacrebleu!!!" "goodbye, icelia; i always kind of liked you" Jezzie drops Lilith's hand onto Icelia's head, melting her with Lilith's remaining power. "well that just leaves eleatrice, doesn't it?" "i hope she uses her desperation attack; it's the best one" "i'll look forward to not seeing it" "smart" Michelle scoops some of Icelia into her canteen. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 064: You're the Devil in Disguise [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice; today is the day that jezzie comes for your head" "so be it; i have prepared as best i can" Eleatrice stands with her back to a wall as Jezzie creeps forward. "eleatrice, you are the final major demoness left aside from myself; any last words?" "yes, actually: i have YEARNED for this day, CRAVED my revenge, HANKERED for the right weapon, and LONGED to finally return to my rightful place as queen of hell" Eleatrice straps on the belt containing the four gemstones: the Yearning Diamond, the Craving Ruby, the Hankering Emerald, and the Longing Sapphire. A portal opens overhead, but what emerges from within isn't past versions of Eleatrice as predicted. Instead, the yearning of Timera, the craving of Lilith, the hankering of Echidna, and the longing of Gravella causes the four demonesses to return. "this wasn't what i had in mind" "oh great we're back just in time to get killed by jezzie again" Jakey steps forward. "crazy thought: what if you four work TOGETHER to defeat jezzie this time" "have you met us?" "yes, and i have learned that your biggest problem is a lack of cooperation" "yeah yeah" "no listen: if timera stopped jezzie in place, gravella crushed her with her gravity powers while lilith lit her on fire and eleatrice electrocuted her, then echidna had her get eaten by a big snake, you could all prevail and live to have another hellection" "yeah right jakey; stand back, i'll frag this charlie" Lilith launches a fireball at Jezzie. Having seen this hundreds of times, Jezzie lazily moves her head to the side to avoid the attack. "it's almost as though you all have weaknesses that jezzie can exploit, but if you work together and cover for eachother, you will prevail" "jakey, please shut up" Echidna rains snakes down upon Jezzie, but she bats them all away. "fine, i give up; enjoy getting slaughtered, see you all in two years" Jakey leans up against a wall as the summoned demonesses launch ineffective solo attacks against Jezzie. "okay bored now; goodbye ladies" Jezzie points up at the gigantic ball of darkness she had been amassing this whole time. The other demonesses notice it just in time to be crushed and smothered by it. Lilith, Gravella, Echidna, and Timera all disintegrate, leaving just Jezzie and Eleatrice again. "any more tactics eleatrice?" Eleatrice points up at the gigantic ball of electricity she had been amassing this whole time. Jezzie notices it just in time to be crushed and fried by it. "i can't believe that worked" Eleatrice throws Jezzie's body into an incinerator, just to be sure. Michelle kicks at the ground, sad that her role had been taken from her. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 065: Oh, Yes, You Are [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice; how's being queen of hell treating you" "oh it's great; instead of just one year of mostly press tours, i finally get two whole years to prepare for jezzie's return" "she's going to come back with a vengeance you know" "yeah, i am fully expecting her to come back and immediately kill me with no funny business" "but two whole years? the other demonesses will be so jealous" "yeah, for the few minutes before jezzie returns" "is this the first time a demoness has killed jezzie?" "i believe it is; at the end of the day, the other four demonesses cooperated with me whether they knew it or not, and my hastily-formed plan worked flawlessly" "well enjoy your term, eleatrice" "would you be interested in becoming king of hell? by our powers combined-" "no thanks; i can't imagine what kind of idiot you'd have to be to marry a demoness" "true" Eleatrice hits a button on her desk, releasing a trap door under Jakey's feet, sending him crashing into the dungeon, landing on top of Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/THE END]