A Thing of the Past: Wild West 3 - Snake in the Grass (1885)

Mission 026: The Big Results [Orelie]
"howdy and welcome back to the show; today, we have exclusive rights to broadcast the results of the hellection before anyone else!!! please support the show so rank-and-file vote-inspectors won't do it next time" Orelie holds out a cup, and Jakey reluctantly hands her one of his non-crisp fivers. "and now to our results!!! as you know, the candidate with the least amount of votes is executed!!!" The demonesses all cross their fingers, not wanting to be executed this time. "and last place goes to!!! TIMERA!!! please come up to the stage to be disintegrated!!!" "i'll disintegrate myself, thanks" Timera snaps her fingers, and is reduced to a pile of ash. "what a trooper!!! see you in two years!!! in fourth place, taking home the hellection home game, is ECHIDNA!!!" "WHAT IN TARNATION-" "IN THIRD PLACE, taking home a gift package from taylor's totally legitimate tonics worth $50, is LILITH!!!" "i'm consistent at least" "it all comes down to this folks; eleatrice and gravella!!! the second-place demoness will win a lifetime supply of mrs sticky's rubber cement and a vacation to the beautiful island of australia!!! but who cares about that?! your winner, and the new queen of hell is!!! NONE OTHER THAN!!! GRAVELLA!!!" Eleatrice struts up to the stage, not having listened to anything to this point. "not you" Orelie hits a button, and a trap door falls out from under Eleatrice. Gravella takes the stage and her bouquet of roses and tiara. "you like me!!! you really like me!!!" Gravella is about to give a speech when Michelle takes the microphone. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Gravella missions/Eleatrice missions/Lilith missions/Echidna missions]

Mission 027: The Gravity of the Situation [Gravella]
"howdy jakey; so, what did i tell you? i'm the hero of the war against the aliens because instead of focusing on fighting, i focused on PR and advertising" "it's a sad state of affairs" "now i am the queen of hell, and i get the wicked chateau all to myself, plus/minus some hired help that doesn't matter in the slightest" "so what will be your first act as queen of hell" "why tell when i can show?" Gravella snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey are teleported to a cliff, where two dark elves are tinkering with a machine. "howdy there miss molly, miss sabrina" "h-howdy miss queen of hell!!!" "wait, gravella is the queen of hell? when did that happen" "yesterday? there was a hellection and everything" "huh? did jezzie die last year?" "yes, where have you been sabrina?" "here, with you, working on our secret project" "right" "ANYWAY, i hate to break this up, but i know about your 'secret project'" "what secret project" "the flying machine" "the what machine?" "cute; let me just nip this in the bud now" Gravella crushes the dark elves' machine with highly-concentrated gravity. "you mortals are not meant to fly, and all attempts to subvert that fact from here on will be met with the wrath of hell's queen - GRAVELLA!!!" "lame" "i liked jezzie better" "good" Gravella teleports off, leaving Jakey standing around with the dark elves. "so uh howdy" "howdy" "i didn't vote for her by the way" "cool" Just then, Michelle tumbles up the cliffside. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Molly missions/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 028: A Foregone Conclusion [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice; fancy meeting you at the saloon" "jakey where did it all go sho wrong? i thought the world wash in my handsh and electrishity wash the wave of the future but i jusht losht the hellection!!!" "look on the bright side: you won a free trip to australia" "do you even know what kind of country aushtralia ish?! it'sh full of deadly creaturesh and i'd rather kill myshelf with alcohol poishoning than being bitten by a shnake and giving that that echidna shome shelf-shatishfaction" "are you going to be all right?" "no" Eleatrice slams her head on the bar. "i've only been elected queen of hell ONSHE!!! i thought thish wash my era but then jezshie came along and killed me" "she does that" "at leasht gravella will shurely be nexsht" "you going to have front-row seats?" "you know it" "you could always stage your own bloody coup and become queen of hell by force like jezzie does" "lishten, and DO NOT tell gravella i shaid thish, but the other demonessh'sh powersh don't tend to line up well againsht gravella; gravity ish kind of a big deal" "fair enough; if it makes you feel better, i voted for you" "really?" "yeah, i like electricity a lot" "thanksh jakey, you're all right; i don't care what echidna shaysh" "wait what" Michelle slides Echidna another whiskey. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Gravella missions]

Mission 029: Suspicious Minds [Lilith]
"howdy lilith uh why are you in your human disguise?" "oh howdy; since i lost the hellection, let's just forget about the whole thing and return to my original plan" "i can't be deceived if i already know you're a demoness" "come on, be a pal; let's don't let a good thing die" "i can't just un-know something like that" "come on, it's easy; when i heard you voted for eleatrice instead of me, i immediately forgot all about it so as not to jeopardise our relationship" "you didn't forget about it because you just brought it up" "forget about what" Jakey slaps his face with his hand. "jakey, i'm just a human girl lost without my necromancer friend" "no, you're the demoness of fire trying to seduce me" "what? whatever would make you think that?" "look, here is a photograph of you taken at the hellection results show" "gosh, she does look like me; maybe the demoness made herself look like me to make you feel easier around her?" "WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THE HELLECTION A MINUTE AGO!!!" Lilith begins to tear up. "why are you yelling? you're scaring me" Jakey slaps his face with both hands. "i'm leaving" "please come find me when you've faced those demons inside; you're a good friend jakey" Jakey grumbles under his breath as he stomps away, straight into Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 030: Back It Up [Echidna]
"howdy echidna sorry about the hellection" "oh it's fine; a good demoness always has a backup plan" "well eleatrice's backup plan consisted of drinking herself to death, and lilith's backup plan is um certainly unique" "those two never were very bright, and were always too confident in their respective abilities to win votes" "so what's your plan" "it's~ a~ se~cret~; can't have you blabbing about it to the other demonesses, can i?" "i suppose not" "but suffice it to say: gravella isn't the only one who took advantage of the aliens" "you used teztechnology to create some kind of anti-gravity snake, didn't you? and now you're going to start a deadly coup?" "note to self: never drop vague hints around jakey; he is some kind of savant when it comes to convoluted plans" "it's my specialty" "so are you going to rat me out to gravella? because i have some snakes of restraint available" "no, i'm pretty upset at gravella for lying about her role in the war" "good; when i become queen of hell after my coup, i'll send you a nice hellish wine basket" Michelle stumbles up from Echidna's wine cellar, drinking vintage hellish wines. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 031: Fly Like an Eagle [Molly]
"howdy molly; how are you holding up after gravella destroyed your hopes and dreams" "pfft!!! PFFT, I SAY!!! the prototype gravella destroyed was just that - a prototype!!! one of many!!! and not even the best one!!! dark elves will achieve flight in my lifetime, mark my words" "you sure you don't want to wait for a different demoness to take the crown forcefully? that'll only take a year, max" "i will not put my dreams on hold for some despot; nay, the dreams of every dark elf!!!" "really? all of them?" "well, i assume; it's clearly the best dream so everyone who's thought of it will claim it as his own" "so what's your latest hare-brained scheme" "remember last year when the teztec invaded?" "no, i remember the rholoth invading and the teztec helping us" "really? that's not what gravella said" "she is a known liar with a personal grudge against the teztec for floating" "that makes sense, i suppose; regardless, i stole this anti-gravity technology and have applied it to my flying machine" "okay, try it out" Molly hops into her newest flying machine and it simply hovers above the ground. "it appears that this machine can't go any higher" "that's not really a flying machine then, is it?" "no, it's a worthless hovering machine" Molly tears the Teztec thrusters off of the machine, and it crashes to the ground. "that's what i get for taking a shortcut; next, i will experiment with rotating blades that push air downward with such force that it creates lift" "that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard" "yeah it's a longshot but i'm desperate" Michelle grabs the discarded Teztec thrusters and floats around the hangar. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 032: A Vile Thing [Sabrina Sable]
"howdy sabrina; are you protesting gravella's reign?" "yeah she sucks" "mad about her ruining molly's flying machine?" "nah, that was her dream, not mine; a bit of a mediocre dream, to be honest" "then A: why are you protesting gravella, and B: what's YOUR dream" "i am protesting gravella because of these banners she created; i mean, seriously? ink free font? on a campaign banner? disgusting" "it is pretty ghastly" "my dream is a world where everyone knows which font to use to make signs, books, letters, and whatever else we write in the future" "it's going to be an uphill battle when the saloon just changed their sign to be written in comic sans" "WHAT. BUT THE OLD ONE WAS PERFECT!!!" "to be fair, their clientele doesn't seem to notice that sort of thing" "philistines" "so your protest sign; is that verdana?" "tahoma, actually" "oh sorry" "no it's fine; you seem to be willing to learn so i can't fault you for a mistake like that; it's not like you sent me a letter written in-" Sabrina shudders. "miriam libre" "i've never seen that one" "consider yourself lucky" Michelle moseys on up wearing a nametag with her name written in Miriam Libre. Sabrina's lip curls upward in disgust. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Molly missions]

Mission 033: Portait of a Queen [Gravella]
"howdy gravella; what's up" "oh jakey i'm just having my queenly portrait painted by famed painter alison lacroix" "you've seen her work before, i take it?" "she's famous and came recommended; that's good enough for me" "viola!!! it is done!!!" Alison flips her canvas around so her subject can see it. "what the fuck is that and why did it take three hours" "it's you; your essence anyway" "i could have drawn that" "lol, lmao; you may have been able to draw the shapes pardner, but you could never capture the soul like i did" Gravella stares at Alison blankly, then crushes her and her painting with her power over gravity. "jakey do you know any painters who can actually paint? not just draw some lines and shapes and then pat themselves on the back about how genius it is?" "alison was the only painter i knew" "well that's disappointing; i guess i'll have to take one of these newfangled photographs" Michelle comes in and hands Gravella a beautifully-painted realistic depiction of the queen of Hell. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 034: Royal Perks [Gravella]
"howdy gravella; how's being queen treating you" "oh it's great; did you know that as queen of hell, i personally get to decide who comes back as an undead? and sometimes i even get to choose which kind" "i actually did not know that" "so naturally, i made that sorry excuse for a painter into a mindless zombie; she already had the mindless part down pat, but now she just shuffles around and moans a bit instead of trying to force her own head as far as it will go into her own rectum" "she was very close to being able to see out her own mouth" "alas and such; regardless, i need your help: do the kids of today like taxes" "love em" "then my next act as evil queen will be to get rid of taxes FOREVER!!!" Gravella laughs evilly. "ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TAX-FREE!!! FOOLS!!!" "well it's disappointing, but at least you didn't do something truly vile like send everyone a crisp fiver in the mail" "you fool!!! check your mailbox for the CRISPEST FIVER YOU'VE EVER SEEN!!!" Gavella laughs and laughs as Michelle enters the room and hands Jakey a soggy fiver. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 035: Reversal of Fortune [Gravella]
"howdy gravella um there must be some kind of mistake; i checked my mailbox and instead of a crisp fiver, it's a tax bill? i thought you abolished taxes" "you really thought i fell for your ruse? you really think me a rube? well howdy there pardner; my name is queen gravella of hell, and i just sent you the largest tax bill of your life; send to me ALL of your crisp fivers!!! do not try and send me the soggy ones as you used to for jezzie!!! ONLY THE CRISPEST FIVERS WILL BE ACCEPTED IN MY NEW EMPIRE!!!" Gavella laughs maniacally, her true machinations revealed. Jakey begrudgingly relinquishes all of his crisp fivers and even a crisp tenner he was saving for a special occasion. A single tear streams down Jakey's face, but he is careful not to let it dampen the fivers, for they did nothing wrong. Gravella is to blame, but she will get her comeuppance soon. Meanwhile, Michelle slips on a banana peel. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 036: Sorrows Undrowned [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice, octavia; how's the drinking going" "oh it'sh great; octaber here brought shome orcish liquorsh that really do the trick when the human shtuff ish too weak" "and for her part, eleatrice is the first non-orc i've seen able to drink more than one shot without passing out" "you don't seem very drunk octavia" "it takes a while; my sorrows remain undrowned" "i get why eleatrice is drinking herself silly, but what's wrong with you octavia?" "all my orcish friends are making fun of me for being a medic in the war" "you were kind of forced into it" "it doesn't matter; everyone thinks i'm a loser" "that'sh why we're drinking together!!! we're all loshersh in here!!!" "hear hear" Octavia and Eleatrice clink their glasses so hard that they shatter. "barkeep; bring ush another two bottlesh of the good shtuff; we won't be needing glasshesh" Michelle slides two orcish whiskeys down the bar. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions]

Mission 037: Help for the Helpless [Lilith]
"oh jakey i need your help!!!" "howdy" "yes, howdy!!! this scary snake demoness is accosting poor little human me!!! i am so scared!!!" Echidna looks at Jakey perplexed. "she's trying to go back to her ruse of being a normal human girl but she blew that one when she became a candidate in the hellection" "lilith always did have a hard time sticking to things" "jakey help she's being mean to me" "you'll manage" "manage to cry maybe" "listen lilith you can't have your cake and eat it too; if you wanted to fool jakey into thinking you weren't an immortal demoness, you should have let icelia run instead" "what's the point of having a cake if you can't eat it? also who is this icelia?" "the demoness you melted with your fire powers the second you learned there'd be a hellection" "gosh i don't have fire powers; but if i did, i'd use them to cook a huge delicious meal every night for the man in my life" Lilith slides up closer to Jakey, fluttering her eyelashes, but he slides away in response, disgusted by the shameless dishonesty. "i'm hurt" "i'm annoyed" "i'm amused" Echidna slithers up to Lilith. "so lil; if you're a regular human and not the demoness of fire, you'll be unable to do anything when i do this" Echidna drops a snake down Lilith's shirt, which bites onto her left boob. "noooooooo!!! not my left boob!!! jakey come quick!!! suck the venom out of my bosom!!!" Jakey twitches in place; his logical brain fighting against his raw animal instincts. Luckily, he is snapped out of it before his brain explodes by Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 038: A Poor Fit [Lilith]
"jakey i'm really hurt that you didn't help me with that venomous snakebite" Jakey sighs. "howdy lilith" "howdy; i had to go to nurse ruth and she's terrible at extracting venom" "how so? you just suck on the wound and spit out the venom" "she started by sucking my nipple" Jakey runs his hand past his face to calm himself down. "why are you the way you are lilith" "i don't know; someone has to be" "did she eventually suck the venom out of the wound?" "yes but not before trying to suck the other nipple" "i can't decide if this is a real story or just you trying to fluster me" "why would i want to fluster you? i'm just sharing my harrowing experience" "speaking of sharing, i need to go share my saddle with michelle; she sent me a telegraph saying she needs to be taken home" "that does sound like her" Jakey rides off until he finds Michelle. "thank you for responding to my telegram; take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 039: Test Flight [Molly]
"howdy jakey; i've finally got a flying machine concept that will work" "howdy; tell me all about it" "okay so i sit in this chair right? and i've strapped a hundred six-shooters to the bottom, all loaded" "okay" "now when i pull this lever, it is connected to the triggers of the guns, which will fire them all at once and send me rocketing into the air, WHEREUPON i will deploy my specially-crafted wings made out of molted pixington feathers and soar across the skies, using these levers to adjust my pitch and yaw" "i am going to stand way over here so i can get a better view of you in flight, not to avoid being shot or landed on" "okay good idea" Molly sits in her flying machine and rubs her hands together. "today, i make history" Molly pulls the lever, firing the guns and launching her hundreds of feet into the air. She deploys her wings, but they are unable to remain aloft, and Molly crashes straight into the ground where she started. "man it's a good thing you moved out of the way to get a better view jakey" "yes; i never could have seen this coming" "LOOK OUT BELOW!!!" Michelle crashes her own flying machine next to Molly's. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 040: A Friend Indeed [Octavia]
"howdy octavia how's self-imposed exile going" "oh it's great; i figure i'll just wait here until another orc does something embarrassing like cast a magic spell or get beaten up by a human" "oh~hohohohohohohoho~!!!" "oh no she found me" "that is a laughable statement octavia; no orc would ever do something as embarrassing as what you've done" "i-" "we've already put your name in the history books as the most shamed orc in history" Octavia slumps down, knowing that her fellow orc is right. "howdy there mr human man; my name is odilia morgane" "you're being kind of harsh on octavia" "oh~hohohohohohoho~!!! you are a funny man mr human man" "is there some way that octavia could prove your label wrong and redeem herself in the eyes of the orcish community?" "only by defeating in combat an orc in good standing such as myself but she would never-" Octavia sucker-punches Odilia, knocking her flat on her chest. "i have wanted to do this for years" "bring it on oc-" Octavia leaps onto Odilia, pummelling and pummelling until Odilia is thoroughly defeated. "did you just kill her" "i hope so" The horse-drawn ambulance pulls up, and Bailey throws Odilia into the back with great struggle, and removes Michelle from the back. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 041: Staging Ground [Echidna]
"howdy echidna" "howdy jakey; have you seen my new building project i commissioned" "yeah it's spread out over a lot of land" "this is the world's first ever air base" "air base?" "from this staging ground, my new army will take flight" "so did you let candice in on your plan or did you build it yourself" "pfft; candice has no clue what this structure is for" "i can't imagine her helping build anything she doesn't know what it is" "she adored the challenge; craved it, even" "so these big platforms, are they made of igneous concrete? poplar? tungsten-coated bismuth?" "i don't know; do i look like a dork to you" "well-" "IT IS DONE" Candice pops up from underneath the secret hatch below Jakey's feet, knocking him over. "echidna, two questions: 1: why did you need a secret underground hatch, and 2: why didn't you warn me i was standing right on top of it" "1: i need to command my troops from somewhere, and 2: because it was funny to watch you fall ass over teakettle; if only i was carrying a camera and cameras were capable of taking video in 1885" Michelle pops up from her own secret hatch under Echidna's snakey base, knocking her over. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 042: A Member of the Cast [Ruth]
"howdy ruth i'm here to check on odilia morgane" "the orc?" "yeah" "i don't understand why she couldn't be treated in an orcish hospital" "there is no such thing" "what?" "orcs believe that healing is for pussies" "what i wouldn't give to be an orc" "you don't seem like the fighting type" "yeah my orc parents would probably want me to become a wrestler or something wouldn't they?" "if not a marauder" "i've never tried marauding" "it's not for everyone" "regardless, if you want to see odilia, she's in that room over there, but don't expect her to be very talkative" "thanks" Jakey heads into Odilia's room, and notices that she is in a bodycast. "howdy odilia; i just came to make sure you're still alive" "mmmff" "i was going to bring a cake but i'm glad i didn't now due to your mouth being encased in that bodycast" "mmmfff" "hang on in there dilly" "MMMFFF" Michelle walks in and signs Odilia's cast. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 043: Permanent Vacation [Ruth]
"howdy ruth how's it going" "terrible" "why" "layoffs were today and i was hoping i'd be laid off due to my terrible performance, general apathy, and i even stopped bathing to increase my chances" "so i take it they laid off someone else" "yeah; that dark elf, panacea moreno? she's the ideal nurse but because i have TENURE they had to lay her off first" "ouch" "life really isn't fair; she and i both cried our eyes out when she got the news" "i'll bet" "and even worse: my boss laid off one of the patients instead of me" "you can do that?" "apparently" Michelle walks into the hospital and is instantly laid off. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Panacea missions]

Mission 044: Secret Project [Candice]
"howdy candice; tell me, why did you decide to build this base for echidna without knowing what it's to be used for?" "i'm getting to build a type of structure that is the first of its kind; i will get my name into the history books for this!!! doubly so because demonesses rarely do anything this grand after losing a hellection unless they're planning a coup" "insightful" "time will tell if this coup is successful, but if it is not, it will be for reasons other than this masterfully-constructed um place" "so what did you build those pads out of" "sedimentary basalt with a poplar overcoat" "nice" Jakey has no idea what Candice just said. "i really sprung for the good stuff" "i can tell" Jakey cannot tell. Michelle can, however. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 045: A Broken Heart [Panacea]
"howdy miss panacea; i heard from ruth that you've been laid off and i am here to-" Jakey's attempt at trying to cover up that he just wanted to see how big Panacea's boobs are is drowned out by Panacea's loud, heaving sobs. "ALL I WANTED MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS TO BE A NURSE!!! TO HELP PEOPLE!!! NOW I LEGITIMATELY DESIRE FOR MORE PEOPLE TO GET INJURED AND ILL SO I CAN HAVE MY JOB BACK!!! I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!" "um-" Panacea continues sobbing and sobbing between shoveling scoops of old west ice cream into her mouth. "um i heard that there's going to be a bloody coup in hell soon so-" "I HATE THAT YOUR NEWS MADE ME FEEL HAPPY!!! I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON!!!" Panacea continues sobbing and sobbing and shoveling ice cream into her mouth. "i'm going to leave before i make things worse again" "I HATE THAT I DROVE AWAY SOMEONE WHO WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!! I AM A DISGUSTING PERSON!!! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!!!" Michelle walks in and delivers five more tubs of old west ice cream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 046: I Can Feel It Coming in the Air Tonight [Echidna]
"howdy echidna; is it time?" "yes, GO, MY SNAKELY MINIONS!!! DESTROY GRAVELLA!!!" Dozens and dozens of snakes pour out of Echidna's hangars, flying all the way to the Wicked Chateau using Teztechnology. "so i've always wondered: do you create snakes yourself?" "yes, each snake is my baby, created with love" "could you create one right now?" "oh, i suppose" Echidna rubs her hands together and concentrates, creating a snake in the gap between her hands. "that's not where i thought it would come from" "where were you thinking?" "the snake part of your body" "oh yeah that makes sense i guess" Echidna finishes creating her anti-gravity snake and she and Jakey fly behind the snake army to witness the Wicked Chateau invasion. "ECHIDNA WHAT THE FUCK" "oh howdy gravella" "echidna, are these your snakes?" "well by definition, all snakes are my children" "you know what i mean; are you invading my domain with these abomination flying snakes?!" "yes" "well you know this flat earth is a no-fly zone" Gravella channels all of her power to pull down the snakes, but to no avail. "WHAT." "while you were busy coming up with false campaign promises, i was busy studying teztechnology; what they use to float that you couldn't overcome? that now powers my snakes" "this is bullshit; you're hardly even a real demoness!!! snakes aren't a real element!!!" "oof looks like someone's earned herself the slow and painful death rather than the quick and merciful one!!! ciao!!!" Echidna flies off, dropping Jakey in the middle of nowhere next to Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Gravella missions]

Mission 047: And I've Been Waiting for This Moment for All My Life [Ruth]
"howdy ruth; how's the job going" "we're swamped with work and panacea refuses to come back; something about being a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live" "that does sound like something she'd say" "can you please try and convince her to help? i'm having a bit of a rough time here" "i'll see what i can do" Jakey hops onto his horse and rides for Panacea's house. "miss panacea? your patients need you" "I AM A DESPICABLE PERSON!!! THEY'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!!!" "no, they're dying without you" "really?" "i mean, probably; snakebites are no joke, and ruth can only suck out so much venom before her lips give out" "you're right; the fact that i am an attrocity of a person doesn't mean that my skilled are not needed!!! i am off!!!" Panacea whips off her blanket, revealing her pristine nurse uniform. She hops onto Jakey's horse and rides off for the hospital. "uh cool i'll just stay here" Jakey sits on the couch across from Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Panacea missions]

Mission 048: Can You Feel It Coming in the Air Tonight? [Gravella]
"howdy gravella-" "JAKEY can you believe what this dumpy demoness is doing to me?!" "dumpy?" "echidna is an unattractive serpent" "well you're half right" "yes, she is only half a serpent, isn't she? regardless, her anti-gravity snakes are absolutely demolishing my army" "makes sense; they were created specifically to do that" "how long have you known about this secret serpent army?" "since soon after your coronation" "and why didn't you tell me?" "your inaction during the war last year really rubbed me the wrong way and i wanted to see you get your comeuppance" "fair enough i suppose; i have been getting pretty haughty" "i hope we can still be friends two years from now when you get out of demonic purgatory" "i can't be mad at your actions; they are exactly what i would have done in your position" "so do you have any plans for a counterattack on echidna?" "no, i know when i'm beat" "cool; see you later" Jakey turns and leaves with Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 049: I Remember, I Remember, Don't Worry [Panacea]
"howdy panacea how's the job going" "it's my true calling; i love to help people" "how much venom have you sucked so far" "you see that bathtub over there filled with snake venom?" "yeah" "twenty of those" "wow" "my nursing teachers always praised me for my sucking ability" "i can see why" "even the families of the patients who don't make it can't help but acknowledge my prowess; they always say 'you suck'" "that's nice of them" "i always thought so" Michelle appears with a snakebite wound, and Panacea gets to sucking immediately. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 050: How Could I Forget? [Echidna]
"howdy echidna" "howdy jakey; i feel we've let gravella suffer enough" "itching to become queen?" "yes; i have lots to do to get the place ready to defend against jezzie's coup" "yeah, a coup from one of the demonesses is sure to weaken the defenses of hell" Echidna's snake soldiers bring Gravella into the command center. "any last words, gravvy?" "just one: get down" "that's tw-" Gravella unleashes her desperation attack, a complete storm of gravity. The building's foundation rumbles, its sturdy construction no match for 100% of Gravella's power. The building collapses onto everyone present, save for Gravella herself, and Jakey, who was carrying an umbrella. Echidna and her army may have been immune to direct gravity-manipulation, but not to the effects of gravity on their surroundings. Echidna coughs and tries to free herself from the wreckage. "nice trick gravella; i didn't see that one coming" "thanks" "shame that was your desperation attack, which uses your remaining lifeforce, so you'll die soon anyway; see you in two years" "no, i think not; i'm taking you with me" Gravella uses the last of her strength to crush Echidna once and for two years with a large chunk of sedimentary basalt. Echidna goes silent, but Gravella is not long for this world either. "does this mean we're going to have another hellection" "jakey listen; there is a demonic contingency: if the queen of hell uses her desperation attack to successfully fend off another demoness's assassination attempt, she is allowed to name a successor" "so eleatrice or lilith?" "wait, those are my options? fuck" Gravella coughs. "lilith i guess" "thank god; i couldn't stand her fake human bullshit another day" "take care jakey; arrivederci" Gravella dies, and Lilith flies over immediately, having been crowned queen of Hell. "MY PLAN WAS A SUCCESS!!! YOU FOOLISH FOOL JAKEY!!! YOU THOUGHT I WAS JUST A REGULAR HUMAN GIRL BUT LO!!! I WAS A DEMONESS THE WHOLE TIME!!! DUE TO MY MEDDLING, YOU DEVELOPED A LOVE FOR ME THAT WILL NEVER FADE!!! JOIN ME AS MY KING OF HELL!!!" Jakey slaps his face with his hand. "why me" Michelle crawls out from underneath the rubble. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/TO BE CONTINUED]