A Thing of the Past: Wild West 2 - What Lies Beyond (1884)

Mission 001: A Parting [Jezzie]
"thank you for coming jakey, it means a lot" "thankfully, we just invented the hazmat suit" "yeah it's a shame that neither demonic magic nor ancient artefacts can cure tuberculosis" Jezzie coughs and coughs. "despite all your evil and tricksy ways, i'll miss you" "it's okay; i'll come back in two years and violently overthrow the hellish regime that is formed in my absence" "i'll look forward to it" "as will i; goodbye, jakey; you were a pretty rad guy" "i don't know what that means" "oh right 1884, not 1984; uh you were a pretty rootin' tootin' fellow" "goodbye jezzie" Jezzie dies from her illness, and Jakey exits the hospital, running into Lilith. "howdy!!! vote for me!!!" "huh? you running for mayor?" "no silly; i'm running for queen of hell" "but you're just a normal human with a necromancer friend" "huh? oh, right, the disguise" Lilith undisguises herself, revealing her demonic form. "so your appearances before me were all a ploy to make me mildly aware of your existence as a normal human girl when in actuality you were a demoness?!" "well i had planned the ruse to continue on, for us to become romantically entangled, yadda yadda yadda, but then jezzie died and now i need to run for queen of hell" "wait, run? it's an election?" "the hellection is one of our proudest traditions; whenever the queen of hell is killed by something other than another demoness, she is replaced via the hellection" "oh okay" "so can i count on your vote" "i don't even know who else is running" "that's irrelevant; you should vote for the first candidate who you are made aware of" "i'll consider it" "thanks!!!" Lilith pins a 'VOTE FOR LILITH' badge to Jakey's chest. Michelle pins a 'TAKE ME HOME' badge on as well. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 002: The Great Debate [Lilith]
"howdy and welcome to the queen of hell debate program, my name is orelie, and i am here to moderate this debate between all five candidates in the upcoming hellection: lilith, timera, gravella, echidna, and the winner of the last hellection, eleatrice" The crowd cheers for all five demonesses, not wanting to be killed or tormented by them. "firstly, we will be taking audience questions; you there, the girl with no biceps or thighs" "we are the rholoth from the planet rhovan; now that your leader is dead, we will be assuming control" "that's not a question" "my name is urhi'ha, harbinger of the rholoth; your time is at an end" "no, but yours is" Eleatrice electrocutes Urhi'ha, causing her alienly form to explode. Luckily, Orelie had supplied everyone in the crowd with a poncho. "so to sum up those statements in the form of a question: how do you demonesses plan to deal with the looming alien invasion? eleatrice, as the defending champion, you may answer first" "i intend to kill every last one of those aliens; you are my thralls to enslave, no one else's" "lilith?" "i will murder all of the aliens; all of you are my slaves to boss around, belonging to no one else" "you just reworded what eleatrice said" "she left me in a tight spot by saying exactly what i wanted to say" "echidna, gravella, timera? do you also want to say the same thing eleatrice said?" "pretty much" "there you have it: no matter who you vote for, you are naught but a thrall to the will of an evil demoness; only some are more haughty than others" "VOTE FOR GRAVELLA OR I WILL RUSTLE ALL YOUR CATTLE" The broadcast cuts out, and so begins The Michelle Show. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions/Timera missions/Gravella missions/Echidna missions/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 003: A Visitor [Lilith]
"howdy lilith how's the hellection going" "i'm ahead in the polls thanks to all the work i put in on the poles (dancing) i reckon" "nice, nice" Just then, a beam of light appears in the sky, and a purple-skinned figure appears. "greetings human and demoness; i am awdourie, one of the teztec aliens; we come in peace" "howdy" "yeah howdy; your alien friend just said our time is at an end" "no no no that was one of the bad aliens; the rholoth from planet rhovan" "where are your legs" "my people, the teztecs of planet tector, do not have legs; we hover a few feet over the terrain instead" "that ought to come in handy when you get tired and go to bed without putting away your lego bricks and don't have to worry about stepping on them after you wake up" "indeed; we did extensive research on your species before we made contact, and lego brick-related injuries are far higher among your species than our own" "okay this is nice and all, but is there a point to this, audrey? i've got a hellection to win" "awdourie" "whatever" "and yes, miss llyllythe, we have sent one teztec each to work with your hellection candidates, due to your country of hell being the most hospitable and livable among the major nations of your flat earth" "so what is the goal here" "i am here to make sure you repel the rholoth and loan me five bucks" "wha-" "i saw the cutest little cowpoke hat in your earth shop and i've just got to have it" "fine" Lilith hands Awdourie a crisp fiver, and she heads off with glee. Michelle passes Jakey her own, much soggier fiver. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Brass Tacks [Lilith]
"howdy lilith how's your new teztec friend working out for you" "she is distracting me from my hellection work; i have tried to light her on fire, but she seems to be fireproof" "i'll see what she wants" "good" Lilith returns to her campaign as Jakey approaches Awdourie. "howdy awdy" "howdy; i'm trying to build a device to repel the rholoth invasion, but i can't find any components" "yeah it's the wild west; 'devices' and 'components' haven't been invented yet" "well what do you have" "guns, horses, cattle, cool hats, spurs, you know; the essentials" "do you have cannons" "yeah" "maybe if i tape a bunch of cannons together-" "what is this 'tape' you speak of" "nevermind; you must have glue right?" "yes but good luck finding someone willing to sacrifice his horse to glue a bunch of cannons together" "you're still making glue out of horses?! no wonder i can't find a toaster" "i don't know what that is" "how do you make toast?!" "over a fire" "i knew we shouldn't have UFOpooled; i wanted to bring two spaceships but nooooo we want to save on gas and now we're stuck between tearing apart our only ride home or being unable to save this planet; i need a smoke" Awdourie lights up a cigarette. "i'd hate to be part of a species that is actively harmed by the carcinogens in tobacco rather than healed by them" "the what now?" "uh don't worry about it" Michelle exits the brush, smoking a cigarette. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: The Human Element [Orelie]
"howdy and welcome back to the broadcast; today, my guest is king branerick of alabama" "please call me king bran" "so, king bran, what is alabama doing during this alien invasion of hell?" "well, they've only attacked hell so far, so i'm pretty content to leave well enough alone" "oh?" "usually, these things sort themselves out" "so what are you doing in the meantime?" "well, recently, i had the traditional kingly crown converted into a ten-gallon crown; mainly, however, i spend my time sitting on my throne and ordering people around" "a fulfilling life, to be sure" "indeed" "next up on the program: how to spot previously-rustled cattle with counterfeit stickers" Michelle slaps a counterfeit sticker onto some cattle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 006: Time to Go [Timera]
"howdy timera; how's the campaign going" "oh howdy; this little purple alien thing is trying to get me to slow down time so her aliens can have more time to prepare for the grey aliens but i am doing my damnedest to resist speeding up time to the hellection so i can see if i win or not" "that does sound like an issue" "could you go deal with her? i've got campaigning to do" "sure" Timera returns to her campaign as Jakey approaches the second Teztec alien. "howdy there" "oh 'howdy'!!! i love your quaint little earthling greeting!!! i'm bourytynie, assigned to miss tymmyrrha on behalf of the teztec peoples" "i'm jakey, prince of canada" "oh, a prince!!! so you must have access to advanced technologies not available to the common folk!!!" "i have a really fast horse" "you're still riding animals as your main means of transport?! CUTE!!! i love you primitive civilizations!!!" "um thanks?" "tell me: do you still use physical projectiles in your guns instead of lasers?" "yes" "ADORABLE!!!" "uh-" "and and and do you still live in caves?!" "no" "aw well good for you i suppose" "thanks" Michelle gallops up on her horse and shoots physical projectiles into the air. "yeehaw!!! take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: A Grave Insult [Gravella]
"howdy gravella-" "JAKEY HOWDY" "you seem uh upset" "this weird purple alien chick approached me and is INSULTING ME" "how so?" "she-she's just FLOATING there!!! NO RESPECT FOR GRAVITY!!!" "that's kind of a standard feature for her species" "IT'S A DISGRACE!!! i have been trying to force her down, and her undercarriage never even SCRAPES the ground!!!" "i imagine the undercarriage of a teztec is pretty sensitive due to never touching the ground" "i'll show her sensitive in a minute once i find my six-gun" "i'll talk to her" "GOOD." Gravella returns to her campaign as Jakey approaches the third Teztec alien. "howdy there" "oh howdy; i'm couroulyta, it's nice to talk to an earthling that isn't yelling at me immediately like miss gourhavyllha" "yeah gravella just hates that you're floating when her whole thing is gravity" "i can't help it; i was born floating, i will die floating" "OH YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ALL RIGHT" "gravella stop" "i think i should leave" "yeah thanks for trying to help us and everything but gravella simply hates you, your species, and everything you stand for out of principle" "it happens" Michelle floats into the room, and Gravella forcefully sets her on the floor. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 008: Purple Pressure [Echidna]
"howdy echidna how's it going" "there's this weird purple alien thing floating behind some boxes over there staring at me, but it retreats behind its boxes every time i turn around" "i'll see if i can rustle it out of there" "you do that" Echidna returns to her campaign as Jakey approaches the fourth Teztec alien. "howdy there" "h-h-howdy" "you all right valerie?" "wh-who?" "oh sorry you remind me of someone else; i'm the prince of canada, jakey" "i-i-i'm d-dourouthie" "why are you so scared?" "i-i-i'm s-scared of s-snakes a-a-and d-demonesses" "so why did your people send you on this mission?" "th-they t-told m-me there w-were cute b-bunnies" "oh i haven't seen a bunny round these parts in a dog's age" "o-oh" "couroulyta just abandonned her demoness for trying to kill her, so she might cover for you i reckon" "o-oh g-good idea" Dourouthie presses her hand to the side of her head, and she swaps places with Couroulyta. "let's see how this goes" Couroulyta floats up to Echidna. "hello-er, howdy there miss yquydnha; my name is couroulyta, an ambassador from the teztec people of planet tector" "finally, that twitchy nervous one was not a good fit for ambassadorship" "yeah but she does her best" "now tell me all about your futuristic teztechnology and how you float like that" As Echidna absorbs knowledge from the Teztec, not at all ominously, Michelle wrestles a large snake. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 009: Rubber the Wrong Way [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice how's it going" "this weird purple alien chick is seriously getting on my last nerve and i can't even electrocute her because those weird fleshly tassels are made of rubber or something" "i'll talk to her" "i'd prefer it if you shoot her" "i'll consider it" Eleatrice returns to her campaign as Jakey approaches the fifth Teztec alien. "howdy there" "howdy sir; my name is eyryqua" "eleatrice says you're being annoying" "well sir, miss yllyyatourysse simply won't accept facts; she asked why our people even bothered sending anyone to the other demonesses, and i replied with statistics our people have collected over countless centuries and multiple planets: demonic rulers statistically never win elections twice in a row" "yeah eleatrice is still pretty steamed about winning the last hellection, then having jezzie come back a year later and put her down like a dog" "that's just the way of the world sir; the alpha demoness is an unstoppable force of nature except to heroes with ancient artefacts, and some diseases" "what if all the demonesses teamed up" "unknown; across every planet and time we've ever seen, sir, the demonesses have never once teamed up without constant backstabbing" "that's a bit sad" "yeah but what can you do; now if you'll excuse me sir i am absolutely craving a smoke but out of respect for your species' inability to process the sweet sweet carcinogens, i will do it outside" "um thanks" "any time sir" Eyryqua exits the building, and Michelle enters the building. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Overconfidence [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice" "howdy; i'm glad that disrespectful and wrong alien finally left" "don't you reckon you're a bit overconfident?" Eleatrice lets out a sharp laugh. "the world is changing jakey; society values electrity more than ever before!!! you ever heard of a fancy new invention called the lightbulb? it runs on electricty which i provide" "yeah but-" "and if they don't vote for me? all that electricity is not going to be provided any more" "so you're threatening people with the loss of modern convenience" "i view it more as the people deciding they don't want me, and me leaving because of it, to respect their wishes and such" "so what will you do when the people develop their own sources of electricity" "pfft i'd like to see them try" Eleatrice spins around, flickering all the lightbulbs in the building and causing Michelle to walk straight into a wall. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Approachment [King Bran]
"howdy kb" "howdy" "nice ten-gallon crown" "thanks" "so what's up" "oh i have a meeting with one of those purple aliens soon; her name was britney i think" "is that her" "oh yes; howdy miss britney" "oh you've got a little ten-gallon crown!!! how adorable!!! you earthlings are just so darling!!!" "i get that a lot" "so i'm here to establish relations with your nation and stuff so like i brought you a present!!!" "i like presents" Bourytynie presents King Bran with a special magical orb. "why is there an 8 on it" "eight is the most magical number!!! this magical orb will answer any question you have with 100% accuracy!!! just shake it up and ask your question!!!" "oh cool; magical orb, am i the rootin'est tootin'est king around" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'i reckon so pardner'" "i made sure it knew your cute little earthlingo!!!" "well we know it's accurate so thanks; i reckon this will come in handy" "my pleasure!!!" Michelle grabs the magical orb and gives it a shake. "should jakey take me home" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'yeehaw!!! that's a mighty fine idea i reckon!!!'; you heard the ball, take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: Will of the People [King Bran]
"howdy kb" "howdy; i've got an appointment to resolve a squabble coming up" "oh really" "darn tootin'; watch me take care of it and hopefully learn something about rulership" "is that them" "oh yes; howdy there; state your respective cases, from left to right" "my name-" "MY left" "sorry" "my name is bonnie masterson-" "you look more like a sioby to me" "what? no way" "let us ask the magical orb; magical orb, does this woman here look like a sioby rather than a bonnie" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'all signs point to yes pardner'" "whatever; as i was saying, i, bonnie masterson-" "sioby masterson" "BONNIE masterson, am on a quest to become the world's greatest cattle rustler, and as such, i need to rustle some cattle" "makes sense; you next" "my name is amber jade pixington, proprietor of pixington cattle; my establishment has a clear policy of 'you rustle it, you bought it' so i am demanding a tenner, and it simply MUST be crisp" "your kingliness, who would pay for previously-rustled cattle? her arguments are asinine" "you rustled them in the first place!!!" "ENOUGH; clearly there is an issue here, and at the current exchange rate, a tenner is no joke, crisp or no, so i will ask the magical orb; magical orb, should sioby pay amber a crisp tenner for rustling those cattle?" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'my sources reckon no pardner'" "WHAT" "sorry miss pixington; the magical orb has spoken with its magical wisdom" "milord king bran please ask the magical orb if miss pixington should instead pay me a crisp tenner for wasting my valuable time" "oh good idea; magical orb, should miss pixington pay sioby a crisp tenner for wasting her time?" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'without a doubt pardner'" "WHAT" "the magical orb has spoken" Amber reaches into her tiny pixington pocket and pulls out a crisp tenner that almost as big as she is. "thank you muchly pardner" Amber flies away, livid, before she can be fleeced out of any more money by the magical orb's whims. "i would like to thank you milord king bran and the magical orb for your flawless royal judgement" "any time pardner" King Bran tips his ten-gallon crown toward Siobhan. Michelle grabs the magical orb and gives it a shake. "should jakey take me home" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'it is decidedly so i reckon'; you heard the ball, take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions/Amber missions]

Mission 013: Corpse Party [Valerie]
Jakey arrives at Valerie's shack outside the graveyard, and notices that it is not Valerie who is digging graves, but rather an orc. "howdy there miss" "howdy" "digging graves?" "yeah the gravedigger hired me to help dig graves due to this recent shipment of corpses from the demoness echidna being too much for her frail little human body" "what's wrong with them" "they're covered in living snakes which keep trying to bite anyone who comes too close" "i reckon that'd be a problem" "maybe for you humans, but we orcs are a cut above; piddly little snakebites can't pierce our thick leathery skin" "so based on what you're saying, i reckon we should've had an orcish gravedigger this whole time" "darn tootin'" "hand to me your business card and i'll see what i can do" "oh good idea" The orc hands Jakey her business card, which reveals her identity as one Octavia Leavitt. "the telegraph number isn't mine, though; it's to this pizza place i like so i don't forget it" "smart" Michelle crawls out from the corpse pile, covered in snakes. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions/Echidna missions]

Mission 014: Life Goals [Siobhan]
Siobhan bursts into the saloon loudly, causing everyone to look. No one says anything, and everyone returns to prior activities. "dammit" "howdy sioby fancy meeting you here" "i'm trying to get people to recognise me when i walk into saloons and such and say 'oh no it's bonnie masterson, the most feared cattle-rustler in the west'" "i've seen some of your handiwork and i've got to say: if you want people to fear your cattle-rustling, i reckon you should be less gentle about it" "what?" "you can hardly tell those cattle have been rustled; they seem so content like you tucked them in and told them bedtime stories" "i can't help if i enjoy reading cattle the story where the dish runs away with the spoon; it's a classic!!!" "let's ask a random bar patron what he thinks of your rustling of cattle" "fine i'll ask that purple floating girl over there; HEY PURPLE GIRL" "GAH" Dourouthie spins around quickly. "o-o-oh no!!! i-it's sioby masterson, th-the most f-feared cattle-rustler in the west!!!" "oh come on" "b-back on my home planet of tector, r-reading stories about serving trays eloping w-with silverware terrifies our livestock!!! i-i-i l-lost old bessie that way" "see jakey? we just need to work on her ability to know what my name is" "wh-what? y-you're clearly a sioby" "bonnie" "y-you don't h-have the look of a b-bonnie" "looks can be deceiving" "l-let me c-consult m-my magical orb; m-magical orb, is this girl's name bonnie" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'my reply is no'" "that thing must be broken" "magical orb, is this girl's name sioby" The magical orb's fortune lens displays a message. "'it is decidedly so'" "dammit" Siobhan storms out of the saloon, straight into Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 015: Style for a While [Siobhan]
Jakey enters Siobhan's hideout, and blunders his way in. "howdy siob-huh?" "howdy" "is that you sioby? you look uh different" "yeah i reckoned that i ought to try a different tack if my prior attempts to become a bonnie didn't work out; i'd be ashamed if one of my descendants kept trying the same thing over and over and expecting it to turn out differently" "that would be upsetting" "so i went to a stylist and i was told that of course everyone called me sioby when i came in looking like that so i got restyled and no one's called me sioby since" "what are they calling you now?" A single tear of happiness streams down Siobhan's face. "bonnie" "really? i reckon i understand; you do look the part of a bonnie now" "thank-" "but your personality? total sioby" "huh?" "listen i've known you for a while now-" "we just met at the castle two days ago" "-and in that while, i have come to know your true self, perhaps better than you know it, sioby" "i-" "i'm going to give you timera's number, if you ever decide to stop lying to yourself, sioby" "what." "goodbye, sioby" Jakey exits the hideout and walks into Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Timera missions]

Mission 016: A Bonnie for All Seasons [Siobhan]
"howdy sioby; i see you called timera" "howdy; you were right: without the goal of becoming bonnie, i have nothing" "you've got to earn it on your own terms, not with some weird shortcut" "exactly; i'm going to make people call me bonnie with my original style" "good because i hated that haircut" "huh?" "what?" "nevermind; i'm off to rustle some cattle; wanna come?" "darn tootin'" Jakey and Siobhan rustle some cattle at Old Man Michelle's farm. Old Man Michelle runs out and begins to wave her pitchfork around. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: Cattle Battle [Amber]
"jakey i'm so glad you're here!!! something weird has happened!!!" "howdy?" "yes, howdy; it's the cattle!!! they're multiplying!!!" "that's good though; soon, they'll learn to do long division and we won't need all these clunky abacuses" "no i mean there are more of them than before!!! there are a bunch of small cattle now!!!" "oh they must be building their numbers for a hostile coup" "WHAT. i can't take this!!! i'm just a small pixington!!!" "maybe you should get into another business, like saloontending" "i tried!!! i could barely lift the mugs when they were empty!!!" "oh maybe you should hire some orcish help to make sure the cattle doesn't get any ideas" "don't orcs eat cattle" "yeah and the one you hire can eat the small ones that keep appearing" "oh smart" Amber floats over to the greenpages, the orcish telegraph book, and attempts to hoist it onto the desk, but drops it from exhaustion due both to her small one-foot-tall frame and the fact that orcish books have thick leather pages and covers made of bone. Michelle finishes the hoisting process in Amber's stead. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 018: A Large Problem [Octavia]
"octavia? howdy? you sent a telegraph?" "i'm in here" "oh howdy" "howdy" "how'd you get inside that big snake" "i may have called echidna a pathetic demoness and said snakes aren't a real foundational element of the universe" "oh she hates when you do that" "so i've been trapped inside this snake for hours now; i've been trying to punch my way out, but it's not going so well" "but at least you found a working and fully-powered telegraph machine inside" "yeah that was a real stroke of luck i reckon" "so do you want me to get you out or?" "yeah that would be nice" "okay stand back; i am going to shoot a hole in the snake" "pfft your puny human bullets can't pierce my orcly flesh" "fine; whatever" Jakey fires all twelve of the bullets from his twin six-shooters, creating a sizable hole. Octavia grabs the edges of the hole and tears the side of the snake open. "echidna isn't going to be too happy that we put this big hole in her giant snake" "eh a little spackle and some paint and she'll never know" Michelle hands Octavia a pail of spackle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 019: Retribution [Echidna]
"jakey did you blast a big hole in my favourite giant snake?" "i don't see any hole" "protip: next time you spackle and paint over a hole you made, make sure to match the colours and not write 'ECHIDNA SUCKS' in bright red" "that's not my handwriting" "yeah, i know; it was that orc girl, but guess what? she's just earned herself a trip to the front lines of our war against the aliens" "she likes fighting though" "which is why i made her a medic" "that's surely upsetting for her" "yeah it's pretty funny actually" Michelle totters in, completely covered in thick, thick bandages. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions]

Mission 020: Sometimes, I Think It's a Shame [Timera]
"howdy timera how's your campaign/preparation for the alien invasion coming" "oh we're fully prepared; we're taking the fight straight to those damn aliens" "it's about time; what's the plan" "we're sending our alien allies out first to die on the front lines" "smart; if they want to prove that 'not all aliens are evil invaders', they need to prove it by helping us fend off the ones who are" "darn tootin'" Just then, a beam of light falls from the sky. "greetings earthlings; my name is vha'nha; i am the harbinger of the rholoth" "i thought urhi'ha was the harbinger of the rholoth" "we lost contact with urhi'ha some time ago; i have been promoted in her stead" "oh well allow me to give you the same greeting we gave urhi'ha" Jakey plugs Vha'nha full of six holes. This causes the brunt of the Rholoth fleet to descend upon Earth. "that was fast" "quick; man your positions" Jakey attempts to man his position, but Michelle is in the way. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 021: When I Get Feelin' Better When I'm Feelin' No Pain [Octavia]
"howdy octavia how are the front lines" "they suck but um why are you just standing around talking to me?" "oh i talked to general eleatrice, and she said my role was 'chief morale officer' so i'm here to make sure you're doing okay" "i'd be doing better if i was allowed to fight instead of just wrapping everyone in bandages" "general echidna said you're not to be taken off the front lines until you apologise for what you did" "so you need any bandages or are you good?" "i'm good" "shame" Just then, an alien leaps atop the medical tent. "EARTHLINGS!!! my name is whi'noh'nah, sergeant of the rholothian army!!! point us to your medics so we may slaughter them!!!" "that's a war crime" "not on our planet!!! it is simply called sound strategy!!!" Octavia punches Whi'noh'nah down from atop the tent, and continues pummelling until the alien invader is a fine paste. "you were disallowed from fighting" "it's called 'justified self-defense; she was clearly threatening me" "she was unarmed" "jakey do you find it hard to believe that these aliens have technological weapons our minds can't even conceptualise, thus they appear as nothing so as not to destroy our fragile earthling psyches?" "is that why we see demonesses as cute girls instead of horrific monsters?" "makes sense to me" Octavia returns to bandaging up her patient, Michelle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Echidna missions]

Mission 022: Sundown, You'd Better Take Care [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice; how goes the war effort" "oh it's great; these rhowhatever aliens die instantly if you use electrity and i've got a lot of that" "let's hope they don't discover our vast stores of rubber" "oh thanks for reminding me pardner; when i become queen of hell again, i need to remember to ban rubber" "not a fan?" "it's simply unfair; how am i, the demoness of electricity, supposed to excerise my evil queenliness if people can make themselves immune to electricity? it's disgusting" Just then, an alien falls from the skies. "earthlings!!! my name is xu'zhi, commander of the rholothian army!!! we have discovered your vast stores of rubber and will now use it against you!!!" "OH TARNATION!!!" "yes, you fools!!! FEAR OUR RUBBER MALLETS!!!" "..." "..." Eleatrice blasts Xu'Zhi with electricity, killing her instantly. "natural selection, i reckon" Michelle waddles up to Eleatrice's camp, wearing rubber armour. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 023: If I Find You Been Creepin' 'round My Backstairs [Echidna]
"howdy echidna; how goes the war effort" "oh it's great; my snakes are absolutely destroying these aliens to the point where i question whether or not they've ever seen one" "do they not have snakes in outer space?" "perhaps not; i will have to create a space program to get my snakes to other planets i reckon" "weird that snakes are one of the foundational elements of the universe, yet the aliens have never seen one" "what are you trying to say" "it's just that you don't see the aliens looking at lilith's fireballs with such fear and unease" "that is because fire is weak compared to the snake!!! the snake is the apex of life!!! THE BRINGER OF DEATH!!! more people are killed each day by snakebite than by any other cause!!!" "i uh don't think that's right" "how dare you" Just then, a snake slithers up with an alien inside. "get me out of here earthlings" "or?" "do you not know who i am? i am y'vet, colonel of the rholothian army!!! tremble before my might!!!" "you don't seem to have much might inside that snake" "this earthly creature you call a snake is but a temporary setback for the rholoth!!!" "uh-huh" "now get me out of here and face me in an honourable duel" "nah" "drat" Just then, a second snake slithers up with a Michelle inside. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 024: Sometimes, I Think It's a Sin [Lilith]
"howdy lilith; how goes the war effort" "it's a bit of a distraction from what i'd like to be doing, to be honest, but i reckon i can't conquer and enslave the world if aliens have beaten me to it" "that's the spirit" "plus, this may be the only time you see all the demonesses working together toward one goal" "well, i haven't seen gravella do anything yet" "that is so like her" "i'm certainly not voting for her" "thanks jakey that means a lot to me" "i didn't say i was voting for you" "i could tell by the way you look at me that you're going to vote for me" "i look at all the demonesses this way; you're all extremely attractive, almost as if you are that way on purpose to try and ensnare our human men with your attractive bodies" "uh no comment" Just then, an alien descends from a beam of light. "i am the queen of the aliens, zoh'ie!!! i-" Lilith immolates the aliens' queen, ending the war immediately as the hivemind is lost without her guidance. "that's it, war over, and now, as the one who struck the final, decisive blow, i am sure to win the hellection" "things rarely are that clear-cut" "well i know i have your vote" "hey wait-" Just then, Michelle descends from a beam of light. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Gravella missions]

Mission 025: When I Feel Like I'm Winnin' When I'm Losin' Again [Gravella]
"howdy gravella; we won the war" "oh nice; i knew that if i just did nothing, everything would work out okay" "that sounds like something i'd say" "yeah i've probably heard one of your ancestors or descendants say it at some point; regardless, i've been working on my campaign; check out my new banners" Gravella pulls down a rope, revealing her banner. "'gravella: the hero of the war'? but you did nothing" "you know that and i know that but here's the thing: history isn't decided by what actually happened; it's decided by what the masses BELIEVE happened" Jakey opens his mouth to argue, but he cannot. "exactly" "this doesn't feel right" "it'll pass; my administration as queen of hell will be magnificent" "i hope so" "so can i pencil you in for a vote for me?" "i already told lilith that i'm not voting for you" "and i told lilith that skirt doesn't make her look like a fat cow; we all tell lies sometimes" "i was thinking of voting for eleatrice" "e-eleatrice? she's literally the worst choice" "how so" "electricity is a fad; gravity is forever" "electricity isn't a fad" "jakey, seriously? do you really see people a hundred years from now STILL using electricity?" "yes?" "you're silly" "maybe; i'll see you at your victory speech next year" "count on it" Michelle delivers Gravella a stack of banners. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/TO BE CONTINUED]