One Thing to Remember (2022)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some suppressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: The Greatest Power of All [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey since somehow this shit KEEPS HAPPENING, it is time i gave to you the greatest power of all" "uh dude i'm not interested" "what" "the greatest power of all is true love right? you can't give me that; i refuse to allow you to try" "no you fucking dip; the greatest power of all is THE POWER-CLEAN DISHWASHING SOLUTION!!! watch as it takes off almost all the dirt and grime from this dinner plate i haven't washed since 1933" "wow you could almost eat off of it" "yes and it can be yours for just three payments of 19.95$" "i don't do dishes myself; that's what i have a maid for" "yeah but she'll love using the POWER-CLEAN DISHWASHING SOLUTION!!! just buy it for her and she'll never use anything else again" "she got really mad at me the last time i bought cleaning supplies" "that's because they weren't the POWER-CLEAN DISHWASHING SOLUTION!!!" "that's not what she said at time" "pfft; we all know women NEVER say what they mean and expect you to understand anyway!!! show her you understand today with the POWER-CLEAN DISHWASHING SOLUTION!!!" "no she was pretty clear about only ever using ancient japanese ninja cleaning recipes" "just buy the damn dish liquid; i've got hundreds of cases of the shit i can't get rid of" "so does michelle and if i'm not buying it from my own sister i'm definitely not buying it from anyone else" Michelle slaps a bottle of POWER-CLEAN DISHWASHING SOLUTION onto the table. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions]

Mission 002: A Large World [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got reports of unrest between the tribes of the mystic forest and the twilit forest" "i've never heard of any 'twilit forest'" "really? it's been on your map this whole time" "wha-" Jakey checks his map, and notices that what he thought was just the Mystic Forest is split in half between the Mystic Forest and the Twilit Forest. "i swear to god it wasn't like that last year" "and what are your thoughts on the berenstain bears" "i'm being gaslit aren't i" "i don't know what to tell you; it's always been like that" "what's next, there was actually always a rainbow bridge south out of the obnoxious celtic country that leads to asgard?" "now you're just being ridiculous; let's go" Jakey sighs as he and Sheriff Antony hop into The Motherfucker and head out to the border between Alabama, The Mystic Forest, and The Twilit Forest. "you think i would have noticed such a disparity between sections of the forest, especially when the great cheryl land is right there" "exactly; you probably just suffered a concussion or something and don't remember" "that must be it" Jakey and Sheriff Antony walk toward the scene of the dispute, noticing an elf and a dark elf in heated debate. "what seems to be the problem ladies" "i am a dark elf named molyndre and i just witnessed this REGULAR ELF BITCH trying to turn our beautiful twilit trees into REGULAR TREES" "trees are happier when they're GREEN AND HEALTHY not grey and lifeless" "i wouldn't be happy if i was a greenthumb hippie so why would the trees be?" "mother nature provides sunlight for all its chosen people e.g. US; you DARK ELVES are just abominations" "okay 1: how dare you, and 2: twilit trees and dark elves are MUCH cooler-looking" "as an official lawman and prince of canada, i side with the dark elves; they are cooler and you will be forced to pay them reparations" "WHAT" "regular elves are just humans with pointy ears; dark elves are grey which makes them way more unique and thus desirable" "what" "as friends i mean" "oh yeah okay" "also i want to hold your hand and kiss you on the face and touch your boobs" "yeah that makes sense" "OH COME ON my regular elf face is way more kissable than her dumb grey one" "not true" "the only way to settle this is with a test" "okay yeah let's do it" "fine by me" As Jakey begins getting ready, Michelle swoops in with her 'official face-kisser' badge, and conducts a thorough test. She declares the dark elven face to be the more kissable of the two, due to its texture and warmth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions/Molyndre missions]

Mission 003: The Clean Scene [Noriko]
"jakey what the fuck is this shit" "that looks like the power-clean dishwashing solution" "did you buy all this" "no" "well i certainly didn't; how did it get here" "that's what i want to know; maybe it was placed here by some mystery woman" "MYSTERY?!" Erin attempts to fall from the ceiling, but gets stuck inside a vent upside-down. "um a little help please" "erin did you put all this power-clean dishwashing solution in the apartment" "oh come on how'd you figure it out so fast?! i laid out several clues so it would take you at least five missions to find out it was me" "i found the last one first" Jakey holds up a receipt for the Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution with Erin's information on it. "WHAT that was very well-hidden!!!" "not really; you always go for the 'it was inside your heart all along' thing so everytime something weird happens, inside my heart is the first place i look" "goddammit" Jakey shoves Erin back up through the vent, putting all her cleaning supplies in with her. Michelle walks in and places more Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution onto the counter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution t-shirt]

Mission 004: You Have the Power [Noriko]
"so then i says to julia you know what i says? i says-" "APARTMENT INSPECTION" "again?!" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board" "we just had one of these" "it's like a car; you have to get it inspected every year" "i swear this never happened before last year" "last year was the first year in which you were present for the inspection, not the first year in which it happened" "okay that's fair; i can live with that explanation" "miss ruth did you peruse the documents i sent after last year's inspection" "yeah; it sounded like a fat lot of hooey to me" "okay 1: how dare you, and 2: it's THOUSANDS OF YEARS of japanese tradition!!!" "thousands of years of hooey*" "jakey please order me to murder this woman" "no" "come on please" "due to repetition, you have received a C for cleanliness" "jakey please forgive my murdering hand, for it refuses to stay still" "not all hope is lost, however; for you can bump this grade up to an A if you perform the cleaning duties in front of me with THIS: the power-clean dishwashing solution!!!" Jakey stares blankly at the face of the woman in front of him, which has contorted itself into an expression never before seen on it - a smile. "noriko rip off this woman's mask" "yes sir" Noriko's murdering hand temporarily turns to a mask-ripping hand - though she hopes that Jakey is wrong and it is, in fact, now a face-ripping hand - and below the Ruth mask lays Sara. "can i murder her jakey" "please don't; i was reading from a script" "and who wrote this script" "i've uh sworn to secrecy" "oh" Noriko hangs her head, her quarry forever unknown to her. Jakey and Michelle, meanwhile, already know it was Kathy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 005: Wild in the Streets [Noriko]
"so what are you up to noriko" "oh the new season of my favourite show just came out on netflix so i was about to sit down and watch it" "oh what's it called" "maids gone wild; it's amazing what kinds of messes these girls get themselves into - then clean - while on a beach vacation" "oh boy sounds like my kind of show" "you're welcome to watch with me, though the plot may lose you if you haven't watched the previous eight seasons" "i'm sure i won't even notice that there IS a plot" "fair enough" Jakey and Noriko plop themselves onto the couch and begin watching the show. A few minutes in, however, Noriko pauses the show and begins to squint hard at the screen. "what's going on" "i can't believe it" "believe what" "there's no way these are real maids" "huh?" "look at that cleaning product - it's the fucking power-clean dishwashing solution!!! no maid, self-respecting or not, would EVER use such a thing" "so they're paid actresses; does that really harm the quality of the show?" "YES; IT'S MAIDS GONE WILD, NOT ACTRESSES GONE WILD" "fair point so what are you going to do about it" "i am going to go online and bitch endlessly about it" "good plan; that sort of thing always works" Noriko marches over to her computer, which Michelle has already navigated to the official Maids Gone Wild website. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Maids Gone Wild t-shirt]

Mission 006: Producing Product [The Great Cheryl]
"jeremy my product is being WRECKED in the marketplace by the power-clean dishwashing solution" "i didn't know you had a competing product" "you've never heard of the magiclean dishwashing solution?!" "can't say that i have" "but i run commercials 24/7 on the great cheryl channel" "i don't believe i get that channel" "but i used magic to make it replace the fishing channel" "i don't believe i get that channel either" "WHAT come on everyone loves fishing" "no they don't" The Great Cheryl groans in exasperation. "i need to find someone who isn't so hopelessly out of touch" "well i know you won't find one if you look in a mirror" The Great Cheryl lifts Jakey up by the collar with her magic and boots him out of the building, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Magiclean Dishwashing Solution t-shirt]

Mission 007: Shilling Product [The Great Cheryl]
"jason i have decided to make my product able to do more things in order to make it more appealing to consumers" "i hear edible laundry detergent is all the rage these days" "exactly, so my dishwashing solution will also kill werewolves" "that's not what i was expecting" "everyone will love it; you just toss some powder on the werewolf and BOOM it's dead" "the world's first soap slash self-defense product" "exactly, now do you know any werewolves i can test it on" "uh no" "jared i am disappointed in you for lying to me; i have already read your mind and only asked you to see if you would be honest with me about it" "i should have worn that tinfoil hat grace gave me" "should have but didn't have; let us roll" The Great Cheryl poofs herself and Jakey off to Scarlett's house. "♫I NEED A HERO; I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A-♫" "hello there" "GAH RIBOFLAVIN RIBOFLAVIN" "oh, it's you" "um yes?" "you're the girl in the tub; i can't possibly kill the girl in the tub" "um thanks?" "hey do you know of any other werewolves that you don't particularly like" Scarlett glares at Jakey. "he didn't tell me; i read his mind" "i TOLD YOU you should wear a tinfoil hat to prevent this exact thing!!!" "yeah yeah hindsight is 20/20" "well i'm off to kill carl the werewolf; thanks for the information samantha" "wha-" "you should have worn your tinfoil hat scarlett" "i'm in the bath" "it's not like it's going to rust" Scarlett rolls her eyes as Michelle walks in, wearing her tinfoil hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions/Scarlett missions]

Mission 008: What is it Good For [Molyndre]
"i can't stand this shit; those goddamn regular elves encroaching on the demilitarised zone like it's not even there" "those damn regular elves think they're all that" "they keep saying 'oh i just want to pet this deer' but i don't buy it" "the animals should have to respect the zone as well" "I KNOW RIGHT; i keep trying to tell them to pick a side but they don't listen to me" "so dark elves aren't as 'in-tune with nature' as regular elves i take it" "no but we're more in-tune with industry and technology so i'd say we have it better" "oh really" "yeah check out my cellular phone" Molly holds up a gigantic cellphone from the 1980s. "hey uh how would you like it if as a show of alliance, the canadian government sent your people phones that aren't forty years old" "what do you mean; we dark elves just invented this" "uh-" "i'm fucking with you; we all know what a smartphone is and most of us even own one" "oh good" "hey do you know anyone who needs a VR headset" "uh no" "dammit we can't get rid of this shit; worst investment we've ever made" Michelle stumbles out of the dark elf warehouse, wearing a VR headset. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/VR headset appears in safehouse trash cans]

Mission 009: Point and Shoot [Molyndre]
"jakey have you ever fired an authentic dark elf gun" "i didn't know dark elves used guns letalone made them" "oh yeah; while the regular elves use nature magic and sharp sticks or whatever, we dark elves have perfected use of the firearm" "i know which one i'd rather rely on in a fight" "exactly; check this out" Molly hands Jakey a dark elf-made gun. "it's surprisingly light" "yeah the trees of the twilit forest make much better gun parts than metal" "i never once would have thought to make a gun out of wood" "regular wood wouldn't ever be able to stand up to use as a firearm; twilit wood is the only wood that could work for this purpose" "if you've got guns why don't you just invade the mystic forest and shoot all the regular elves" "we tried that; apparently elves can't kill other elves, regular or dark" "oh that's lame" "i know; we had to hire a human executioner for our criminals" Michelle waves from her executioner's block. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dark elf gun]

Mission 010: Fine Cuisine [Molyndre]
"hello jakey have a seat i am going to prepare you one of our best traditional dark elf meals" "oh boy" "okay so first ingredient is bread; we'll need two whole slices of this" Molly begins running the bread underneath the sink water. "um are you washing your bread" "uh yeah; you're supposed to wash your bread before you eat it" "that's vegetables" "it can be both things" Molly begins wringing out the bread, then places it in the toaster. "so next up is the main ingredient: meat of the bovine persuasion" "one of my favourites" Molly puts a raw hamburger patty into the toaster as well. "interesting technique" "and finally, you cannot have a sandwich without gobs of marshmallow fluff" "amen to that" Molly removes the toast from the toaster and slathers it with marshmallow fluff, then puts on the miraculously-cooked hamburger patty. "viola it is done" "looks delicious" Jakey begins devouring the hamburger while Molly makes one for herself. "i made yours plain but i like to put in a slice of cactus" "i didn't know you had cactii around here" "we don't so we trade with the orcs: their cactii for our deer" "i thought orcs hated elves" "they hate REGULAR elves; the dark elves and the orcs are united in our hatred for regular elves" "that's fair; nothing unites people like shared hatred" "amen" Jakey, Molly, and Michelle eat their sandwiches, satisfied with the dark elven cooking. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a bold new recipe]

Mission 011: A Monument to Our Failures [Julia]
"so how's the park" "oh it's great; no one has done anything wrong all day" Julia draws in close to whisper into Jakey's ear. "it worries me" All of a sudden, an explosion comes from sector 23-D. "OH NO NOT THE STATUE!!!" Julia and Jakey runs for the statue, and see Unimportant standing near the TNT plunger. "okay lady you'd BETTER have a blowing up the statue permit" "yeah here you go" Unimportant shows off her permit. "oh that's fine then" Julia hangs her head. "i liked that statue though" "sorry i didn't want to do it either but my horoscope told me i needed to blow up a statue today and i already had the permit lying around so" "i get it, serendipity" "bittersweet serendipity, but yeah" Julia and Unimportant hang their heads, sad that Unimportant had to blow up the statue. "guess i'll just have to order another one" Julia pulls out her phone and dials the company, and within minutes, Bailey has dropped off another identical statue in the same spot. "well all's well that ends well i suppose" "hey you know what always cheers me up? a smiley stack" "YOU TOO?!" The two women wander off to the nearest IHOP. Michelle walks up to Jakey and presents him with an Angry Stack. "the stack is angry because you did not take me home"
[reward: respect +/Unimportant missions]

Mission 012: A Sad State of Affairs [Julia]
"um julia why is it raining in the park and only in the park" "oh jakey it's horrible; i talked with unimportant for hours and eventually she told me all about the frowny stack; the frowny stack that was meant for ME" "that doesn't answer my question" "I'M GETTING TO THAT so that made me really sad; i never realised before that by having azalea make me avoid the frowny stack that the frowny stack would still exist and be passed onto someone else" "yeah but it all worked out in the end; you live a fulfilling existence and unimportant got over her childhood trauma eventually" "but look at her; she's got bloodstains under her eyes and her hair is just terrible now" "so about the rain" "right right so i'm sad right? so i thought it would be more appropriate if it were raining in the park, so i called up that river-girl and she is currently obliging me after i created the proper set of permits" Jakey looks upward, and River-Girl waves at him. "um hi" "hi" "so how long do you plan to keep this up" "until i am no longer sad" "looks like those kids over there are trying to help" "what kids-OH MY GOD WHERE IS THEIR STOMPING IN THE PUDDLES PERMIT?!" Julia's sadness has been replaced by a new emotion, anger, allowing River-Girl to clear up the skies around the park and finally get Michelle out of that tree she'd been stuck in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/River-Girl missions]

Mission 013: Thoroughly Inspected [Ruth]
"uh ruth what's with all these baskets of laundry" "they failed inspection" "how so" "well this one didn't segregate the whites from the inferior laundry, and this one used the power-clean dishwashing solution" "on laundry?!" "people are just the worst" "amen" "this one's almost worse: they put their dishes in with the laundry" "seriously?!" "it's despicable" "bless you ruth; you are doing god's work" Michelle walks up and pours an entire box of Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution onto the dishes in the laundry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/free t-shirts that failed inspection]

Mission 014: Controversy [Ruth]
"hey ruth what's up" "i've got to inspect this construction site" "HELLO you must be the inspector" Candice runs out and leads Ruth into the site, with Jakey following behind. "so this is our foundation we've poured, using only the finest igneous concrete" "igneous concrete? you just made that up" "hilarious joke miss inspector; THIS is our pile of wooden beams, made only of the finest poplar" "you know most people use pine or spruce" "yeah i'm a cut above; so this is the roofing material we're using: it's a metal compound made up of 90% strontium and 10% promethium" "isn't promethium radioactive" "we've made it inert" "uh-huh" Ruth gets out her stamper and stamps a huge "FAILED" onto Candice's head. "uh miss you stamped me with the wrong stamp" "i assure you that is false; i am revoking your building license" "WHAT!!! MY ANCESTOR INVENTED THE HOUSE!!!" "she must be rolling over in her grave at how maliciously bad you are at it" Candice lunges to attack Ruth, but Ruth counters by stamping Candice on the forehead, knocking Candice to the ground. "your fighting posture also fails inspection" Ruth walks off as Candice lies on the ground, completely and utterly destroyed as a human being. Michelle also lies on the ground, but she is content. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 015: The Worst Disease of All [Special Agent Grace]
"milord i have noticed you are around power-clean dishwashing solution a lot lately" "that is true" "in order to see if it is safe, i must ingest myself" "um you're not supposed to eat it" "but what if you want a snack and accidentally grab the box power-clean dishwashing solution instead of your box of cheez-its?! you could be killed!!!" "that's also true for every cleaning solution" "false; every cleaning chemical stored in this apartment is edible" "wait seriously?" "yeah i enjoy putting the hand soap onto my crackers" "oh wow i've got to try that sometime" "i highly recommend it; anyway, DOWN THE HATCH" Grace pours Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution down her throat, and immediately drops dead. "that was the fastest poisoning death i've ever seen" Jakey splashes Grace with a bucket of his own blood, and she awakens from her death. "so yeah don't eat that" "you got it chief" Michelle begins drizzling her ice cream in hand soap. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Power-Poison Lifetaking Solution t-shirt]

Mission 016: Prank Caller [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫better stand back, get out of my way; i'm comin' on strong like a burnin' flame, hey hey♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Jasmine wanders up the stairs. "oh prince jakey hi i've got reports of a corpse in that bathroom that i need to bury as soon as ASAP" "no one gets past" "look i don't care if YOU created scarlett's corpse or whatever, but i NEED to bury it right away" "♫I WAS FLYIN' HIGH 'TIL YOU SHOT ME DOWN; WERE YOU COMIN' WITH ME WHEN I HIT THE GROUND HEY HEY♫" "if scarlett is a corpse, how is she singing right now" "rigor mortis" "that's not what that means at all" "yeah it is; it's like how a chicken runs around if you cut off its head" "i am going to ignore you now" "okay be sure to ignore me as i enter the bathroom" "no one gets past" After what seems like an eternity, Scarlett exits the bathroom, alive. "see she's alive" "if you'd just let me go in i would have learned that much quicker and would have WASTED much less time" Jasmine storms off, upset that she was given a false report. Michelle enters the bathroom, ready for her turn. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jasmine missions]

Mission 017: Forcing the Sale [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫dear, i fear we're facing a problem; you love me no longer, i know and maybe there is nothing that i can do♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Sara ascends the stairs wearing a giant foam box of Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution. "hello may i speak to scarlett" "she's in the bath" "yeah i figured and that is why i must speak to her NOW" "no one gets past" "but i am here with the opportunity of a lifetime" "scarlett doesn't even own any dishes; she exclusively eats at fancy restaurants" "but the power-clean dishwashing solution can clean more than just dishes; it can also clean the human body!!!" "♫LOVE ME, LOVE ME; SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME♫" "i don't buy it; if it did more than just clean dishes, they'd called it the power-clean all-purpose washing solution rather than having a name that automatically narrows the perception of what it can and cannot wash" "we simply sell the same product in three different boxes with three different names; the power-clean dishwashing solution, the power-clean laundrywashing solution, and the power-clean bodywashing solution" "so where are the other two boxes" "uh i left them at home" "well go get one" "fine" Sara leaves and returns seconds later in the same costume, except with a giant "BODY" sticker covering where it previously said "DISH". "nice sticker" "thanks; it really cuts down on changing time" Just then, Scarlett exits the bath. "ho lady have i got a deal for you" Sara walks Scarlett off into the other room, then walks Michelle out of the other room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Power-Clean Laundrywashing Solution t-shirt/Power-Clean Bodywashing Solution t-shirt]

Mission 018: Too Much Power [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫it's the time of the season when love runs high♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, he is startled to hear the song cut short. "RIBOFLAVIN RIBOFLAVIN" Jakey bursts through the door to find Scarlett's skin completely red, and her scratching like crazy. "what happened" "i used that FUCKING power-clean bodywashing solution that SHYSTER sold me and now look what happened" "i've never seen anyone scratch so furiously before" "yeah yeah call a doctor or a magician or a genie or something" Jakey yanks out his phone and in his hurry, dials a number on the first page of his contacts list. "hey azalea uh do you know any doctors" "pfft a doctor? a doctor will do nothing but end the trauma; i can PREVENT IT FROM EVER HAPPENING" "oh good idea; can you go back in time to mission 017 and prevent scarlett from buying the power-clean bodywashing solution" "i can do you one better" Azalea zips off to her time machine, and Jakey is instantly warped to in front of the door. Scarlett exits the bath, no worse for wear. "did it work" "did what work" "i'll take that as a yes" Scarlett shoots Jakey a bewildered look, and continues on to her bedroom. Jakey dials up Azalea. "so what did you do" "oh i caused a car accident so the sales lady never even made it to the manor" "is she hurt" "nah she hit a truck full of marshmallows and that cushioned the crash and provided her a delicious treat" "oh good good" "then i stole all her product and dumped it into the ocean" "uh-" "but all the fish died when i did that so i went back in time again and instead of doing that, i warped it 500 years into the future so it's their problem now" "smart" "also i got you a souvenir and left it in your apartment" "hey thanks" "and i also told michelle where to find you; she looked really upset" Jakey turns and sees Michelle standing behind him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'Azalea Visited 25XX and All She Got Me Was This Stupid' t-shirt/Azalea missions]

Mission 019: Something to Believe In [Unimportant]
"jakey good you're here i need to tell you all about this new religion i joined" "did your horoscope tell you to" "yeah so" "have you considered that maybe someone bought out the newspaper again and just made the horoscope say whatever she wanted it to" "yes, but only sagittariuses were told to join the religion, and i figure if it's a religion headed by someone who understands and values our sagittariusly contributions, it must be a good one" "fair enough" "so the religion is headed up by one brooke davis; she's an aries so we're pretty compatible together as friends slash coworkers so it seemed like a good time" "uh-huh" "so this religion is GREAT it combines everything cool about horoscopes with JESUS and he's like the best there ever was" "can't argue with that one" "you know jesus was a sagittarius too? that's probably why everyone likes him so much" "i somehow don't think that's it" "well of course a TAURUS would say that; your kind's always had some kind of beef with mine" "cute pun" "thanks i'm going to pretend it was intentional" Michelle charges into the room like her Taurusly horoscope. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions]

Mission 020: Spreading the Good Word [Unimportant]
"oh good jakey i need your help; my horoscope is telling me to seek out other sagittariuses and spread the good word; do you know any others" "well uh gwendolyn's dead" "oh r.i.p." "so that just leaves the great cheryl" "okay let's roll" "that's not a good idea" "yes it is; i'm a sagittarius and she is also a sagittarius so we will naturally hit it off" "i highly doubt that you are right" "quit being such a taurus" "can't help it; i was born this way" "i am not going to stop bugging you about this until i get what i want" "that just makes me want to do it less" "fine i will go by myself" "good luck with that" Jakey puts his feet up on Unimportant's table as she heads out for the address. She returns a few hours later. "so how'd it go" "i don't want to talk about it" "come on tell me" "no" "i am not going to stop bugging you about this until i get what i want" Unimportant glares at Jakey. "she's obviously used her magic to turn herself from a sagittarius to a capricorn" "can she do that?" "obviously she can or else she wouldn't be such a stupid fucking bitch" "harsh words" "yeah well she did harsh actions when she used her magic to huck me out a window" "yeah that'll happen" "fucking hate capricorns" "whatever helps you sleep at night" Michelle places a 'build a mechanical bull' kit on the counter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 021: Poor Life Choices [River-Girl]
"beck there is someone immediately to your left outside of your peripheral vision who is hucking fireballs at cars" "OH damn thanks for telling me" River-Girl marches up to the girl slinging fireballs. "um why are you doing that" "OH yeah i freed a genie from a bottle and he gave me three wishes so i used one to gain the power to control fire!!! i am now reborn as INFERNO-GIRL!!! don't worry though i used my third wish to free the genie" "what about the second wish" "i was hungry so i asked for some fancy steaks" "okay okay so uh could you like stop hucking fireballs at cars that's kind of illegal" "i could do that but who realistically could stop a woman with fire powers?" "how about a woman with WATER powers?!" River-Girl blasts Inferno-Girl with a high-powered burst of water. "I SURRENDER" "smart girl" "so uh i've like realised the error of my ways and stuff so can i be your sidekick" "maybe after you serve your jail sentence" Soon, Deputy Orange arrives and encases Inferno-Girl up to her neck in concrete, so she cannot break out of jail. "this is really uncomfortable" "should have thought of that before destroying cars" "fair enough" Deputy Orange carts Inferno-Girl off to jail, and carts Michelle off to see Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 022: But Not a Drop to Drink [River-Girl]
"jakey i have decided to focus my efforts on saving the harsh deserts of the mojavistanian wasteland with my water powers" "are you going to make a river" "a SERIES of rivers leading to and from a GREAT LAKE; the only sad part is that because of my secret identity, i won't be able to name it lake beck" "just say it's a tribute to the music artist" "that might work; i have really liked his more recent output" "so what's your plan insofar as how the river will actually stay and not just melt into the sand" "i'm going to build a trough system out of non-biodegradable plastic; that shit will stay until the end of time" "smart" "and to ensure that the water doesn't just evaporate, i will build a shack made of plastic around the rivers and lake, with easy access doors every fifteen feet" "will it be air-conditioned in there" "it'll have to be; otherwise it would just be an oven in there" "i wish you luck; if you succeed, this will be the second greatest structure in mojavistanian history" "yeah that statue of st. piper is hella tight" "word" Michelle pre-emptively gives River-Girl a medal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 023: Unhinged [Candice]
Jakey walks into Candice's home, which she had built herself, and is immediately in disbelief. "what's with all the legos everywhere" "THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY ABILITY TO BUILD WITH THESE" "um okay but why are there so many all over the floor" "I CAN BUILD ALL DAY WITH MY SPECIAL SEDIMENTARY LEGO BRICKS" Candice launches into a manic laughter. "um let me pick some of these up for you" Jakey bends down to grab a brick, but Candice pounces on him. "OW FUCK YOU BIT ME" "I WON'T LET ANYONE TAKE THEM FROM ME; GUARDS, SEIZE HIM" Candice marches a bunch of tiny LEGO men over to throw Jakey into the dungeon, right next to Natalie. "what are you doing here" "candice wanted a lawyer but then i arrived and tried to move some bricks out of my way and i ended up in here" "are you still going to take her case" "i don't know how i could possibly win at this point" Candice quickly builds structure after structure. The doorbell rings, and the post lady shows up with more special sedimentary LEGO bricks. "does that box say that each brick costs five alabama fun bux" "she must have thousands of those bricks here" "should i go and get the straitjacket" "couldn't hurt" Jakey winds up a punch and slams his fist into the sedimentary LEGO wall. "OW FUCK" "YOU CAN'T DESTROY MY BUILDINGS THAT EASILY BUT FOR EVEN DARING TO TRY, YOU ARE SENTENCED TO DEATH" Candice has her LEGO guards march Jakey over to the LEGO guillotine. The blade slams into Jakey's neck, beheading him. Jakey's body calmly gets out of the stocks, and reattaches his head. "that was an interesting experience" Jakey slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Candice and marches her outside. "NOOOOOO YOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL I'VE WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD" "we'll take it from here" Deputy Orange grabs Candice and hucks her into the back of his squad car, next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions]

Mission 024: Blatant Falsehoods [Jasmine]
"jakey i am getting these false reports of corpses in various locations and IT'S PISSING ME OFF" "well what happens when you go to said locations" "the corpses i'm sent to collect aren't corpses at all!!! they're still alive!!! i'm tempted to just turn them into corpses just to spite whoever keeps pranking me" "that's what the prankster wants you to do; he's trying to use you as an assassin" "despicable; if i ever find out who this is, i am going to turn HIM into a corpse" "that's my go-to solution for every problem" "i know and it's keeping me flush with work, which is why these prank calls are such an imposition" "why not just ignore them" "what if it really IS a corpse this time?! the gravedigger's code says ALL human corpses must be retrieved and properly buried" "i didn't know you had a code" "all canadian gravediggers must follow it; any country that does not have such a thing is just plain horrible to its citizens" "can't really argue there" "i don't even understand why anyone would want to" Michelle walks up and hands Jasmine a fresh corpse. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/future corpse t-shirt]