One Thing to Remember (2022)

Mission 075: A Cup Full of Sin [Violet]
Jakey walks into a hotel room to find Violet lying face-down on a bed. "violet are you okay" "no" "why are you in this hotel room anyway" "i needed a place to mope; i don't have like a home or a vehicle or anything" "this hotel is incredibly expensive” “yeah i don’t have a home or a vehicle so i don’t have any bills so i’m pretty well-off financially” "you know, there's a race war going on out there and you're not even attempting to get the scoop" "i still feel awful about the whole pudding cup situation" "violet, race wars don't come around that often any more, due to the vastly lowered number of races these days" "i know" "as bad as you feel right now, you’ll feel even worse if the race war ends, and you never get to cover one" "ugh" "have you tried going to confession" "i'm not catholic" "neither am i; i just feel better after confessing" "maybe i should give it a try" "be sure to say i sent you; three more referrals and i get a free baptism" "can do" Michelle walks up, fresh from her own free baptism. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/another step on the way to a free baptism]

Mission 076: Dressed and Confessed [Violet]
"wow jakey you were right, just talking about the problem really helped; i talked for hours about my feelings and everything" "so what are you up to now" "i have set up a stakeout and am carefully watching those slimes" "have they done anything interesting" "they've just been gooping around" "oh look here comes the gootennant" "is that a giant missile i see?" "oh no they're going to launch the gooclear missile!!!" "no wait he's putting it back into the silo" "i guess one of the civilians just wanted to see it" "so jakey you like killing right?" "yeah" "so how would one go about killing a slime" "well slimes can't be damaged from the outside; you need to attack them from the inside" "really?" "yeah, luckily, their main method of melee attack is envelop you and try to smother you" "thus exposing their weak point" "exactly" "interesting, and pixingtons are great at making bombs that could fit inside such a creature" "i suppose that is true" "this race war is making a lot of sense now" Michelle walks up and hands Violet a tiny pixington bomb. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/gooclear missile t-shirt]

Mission 077: Mistaken Identity [Wu Huiqing]
"why are you still hanging out in this bunker if the door is broken" "i called the woman who built it to fix it" A big truck pulls in front of the bunker. "ah here she is now" "hi you called and said you needed my services" "yes miss candice; i need you to rebuild the door to the bunker and make it sturdier if possible" "i don't know how to build a structure" "you're joking right? you're candice plumbridge; you built the bunker in the first place" "half of that statement is true" "wh-OH GOD" Wu Huiqing scrambles backward up a bookshelf. "ALIENS HAVE TAKEN OVER CANDICE'S BODY!!!" Wu Huiqing fumbles around for her gun. "STAY BACK I'M WARNING YOU" "i was uh just leaving" The parallel universe version of Candice makes a swift retreat out of the bunker. "now they know where my bunker is i'm not safe here any more" Wu Huiqing rocks back and forth, terrified of the alien menace. "they won't get me they won't get me they CAN'T get me" Wu Huiqing raises her gun to her temple, but Jakey slaps it out of her hand. "oh right yeah thanks for reminding me; got to leave a pretty corpse" Wu Huiqing bites down hard, puncturing the cyanide capsule in her mouth. "oh for fuck's sake now china's going to blame alabama for this; we don't need two race wars" Just then, Jezzie appears in a puff of smoke. "yeah jakey you're right: if there are two race wars going on at once, i'll surely miss the best parts of at least one; i'll handle this" Jezzie wiggles her fingers in front of the corpse, reviving Wu Huiqing and erasing her memory of the aliens, then she disappears to whence she came. "what happened" "you got drunk and trashed your secret bunker" "aw man now i won't get my deposit back" Michelle walks up and refills and repairs Wu Huiqing's cyanide capsule. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Parallel Universe Candice missions]

Mission 078: The Positive Effects [Sophia]
"hey jakey check out my new pixington action figure" "that is a real pixington screaming for its life" "oh so it is; i've been hired by the slimes to assassinate any pixington i see, and i get a huge payday for each one" "and i see you're playing with that one before you kill it" "yeah it's fun to treat them like real living, screaming dolls; you know, undress them, lose their clothes under the fridge, mush their faces into the army man action figure" "maybe reviving you was a bad idea" "relax i'm joking; before she went into hiding, a big pixington named amber paid me even more to keep the pixingtons safe" "that doesn't explain why the one in your hand is naked and screaming" "amber also paid me to torture this specific one a bit; nothing physical, just raw emotional trauma" "why" "apparently this pixington and amber went to the same pixington high school, and she'd always put gum in amber's hair and splash buckets of paint on amber's clothes" "wouldn't she have gotten in a lot of trouble for that" "she always got away with it by bribing the teachers to look the other way, then amber would get in trouble, because having gum in your hair is against the school's dress code" "poor girl; she's exercised amazing restraint not just going over to this pixington's house and stomping on her" "yeah, i became an assassin specifically to do that sort of thing" Michelle walks in and gives the pixington in Sophia's hand a little flick. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/raw emotional trauma t-shirt]

Mission 079: A Safe Haven [Sophia]
"so how's pixington-sitting going" "oh it's great; they're quiet and do all my chores for me" "really?" "yeah i didn't even ask them to; i think they're afraid of me after what i did to that one" "where is that one anyway" "oh i pinned her under some heavy books by her hair so she can't escape" "amber is going to be so proud of you" "i know right? maybe i'll even make a friend and someone other than you and mr shooty will come to my funeral next time" "wouldn't that be nice" "a girl can dream" "so what's your plan for when the slimes figure out that you double-crossed them" "oh it would be a good idea to have one of those wouldn't it" "yeah it's usually the first step when considering double-crossing someone" "oh i'll have to write that down" Sophia gets out her notepad, which has had nothing new written on it since 'DROWN THE JEWS'. "so give me a quick rundown on the slimes' abilities as a species" "well they're gooey; they're not very fast, but they can squeeze their way through any crack" "right seal the cracks" "they can't be damaged by bullets" "REALLY?! bullets are my main method of attack!!!" "they can only be destroyed from within, but luckily, their main method of attack is to envelop you with their slime" "okay okay so basically what you're saying is i am woefully unprepared and should TRIPLE-CROSS amber and kill all these pixingtons now that i've rounded them all up" "what no" "oh what are you saying then" "set the pixingtons to work making pixington bombs in case the slimes attack, rather than just having them do your laundry" "oh good idea" Michelle walks in, carrying a crate full of pixington bombs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixington bombs weapon]

Mission 080: Brand New Company [Goocille]
Jakey knocks on the door of the house that the address Goocille gave him points to. "oh hello there it's so good goo see goo come on in" Jakey follows Goocille into her gooey residence. "it's gooing goo be so nice goo talk goo someone and get an outside perspective on the race war" "do you do that on purpose" "goo what on purpose" "replace every 'oo' syllable with 'goo'" "oh it's a tic we slimes all have; i'm sorry if goo don't like it" "no it's fine i was just wondering" "i can try not goo goo it if goo don't want me goo" "no no it's fine" "well now goo've got me all self-conscious about it" "sorry" "so about the race war: what are goor thoughts on pixingtons" "i don't tend to think of them" "oh yeah they must be so below a gooman like goorself" "what are your thoughts on pixingtons" "fucking hate them" "oh" "they killed my brother and that is just so like them; those goodamn pixingtons can't stand slime people trying goo get ahead" "well-" "i always told my brother 'goo can't trust a pixington' but he didn't listen and he paid the price" "can't argue with your logic" "i wonder if we can segoore an alliance with the vampires; they're really gool" "are they?" "yeah i met one once with blonde fluffy hair and she gave me half of a goorito she didn't want" "really" "yeah and it tasted okay" Michelle walks in and hands Goocille half of a burrito she doesn't want. "thank goo gooman; goor kind is also really gool" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 081: High Technology [Goocille]
"all right jakey it's finally time goo unleash our newest and thus best weapon: THE GOOBLITERATOR!!!" A gigantic gooey mech rises from below the ground of Goo Zealand, towering over every building on the continent. "okay that's pretty cool" "and it's specially-programmed goo hunt down and goobliterate any and all pixingtons!!!" Goocille slams her gooey hand down onto a button, activating the Goobliterator. "SCANNING FOR PIXINGTONS" "oh boy oh boy" "SCAN FAILED; NO PIXINGTONS FOUND" "okay so that means they're all inside a building; the goobliterator's scanners cannot pierce through walls" Goocille deactivates the Goobliterator, placing it back into the ground. "that's it?" "yeah we don't want goo just start smashing buildings indiscriminately; we only want goo kill pixingtons, not goomans or orcs or anything like that" "well uh thanks" Michelle walks in and passes Goocille a pixington DNA sample. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Goobliterator t-shirt]

Mission 082: In Hiding [Amber]
Jakey receives a letter to his residence. "dear jakey: hi, how are you; i am currently inside an airtight bunker fearing for my life in this race war THAT IS IN NO WAY MY FAULT so i won't be available to hang out or get groped or whatever; i have attached to this letter my faithful dog rexjamin, please take care of him while i am afraid for my life; sincere regards, amber" Jakey looks down at the pet carrier that was attached to the envelope, inside which Rexjamin is soundly sleeping. "noriko do you like dogs" "uh yeah scraps and i are tight" "okay do you like MULTIPLE dogs" "i don't know, i've never been in charge of multiple dogs before" "well there's a first time for everything; read this letter i got" Noriko scans the letter, and looks down at Rexjamin. "what the fuck kind of name is rexjamin" "better than rexnando" "making up a dumber name doesn't make this name not dumb" "so can i deflect this task onto you like i do most other tasks" "sure sure" Michelle walks up and frisks Rexjamin for any pixington bombs he may be carrying. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions]

Mission 083: Where's the Popcorn [Jezzie]
"jakey this race war is pretty boring so far; only one guy has even died" "yeah it's more like a game of hide and seek at this point" "exactly, so i am going to give the seekers an advantage" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and the Goobliterator's scanners are upgraded. "PIXINGTON FOUND PIXINGTON FOUND" "YEEHAW LET'S GET GOOING!!!" The slimes slither off to the building where Sophia is keeping all the slimes. "oh where's my popcorn" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and a bucket of hot, buttery popcorn appears in her hands. Jakey is torn; on one hand, the pixingtons could probably use his help, but on the other, that popcorn looks absolutely delicious. "come come pull up a seat; there's plenty of popcorn for both of us" Jakey reluctantly takes a seat and begins munching on the popcorn. The slimes get to Sophia's safehouse and slide through the cracks in the door, but find nothing. "ooh it was a decoy!!!" "sophia must have moved the pixingtons somewhere else" The slimes leave the house, and a few minutes later, Sophia and the pixingtons reappear in their time machine. "or somewhen else" "crafty; i can't even get mad at that one" Jezzie passes Jakey the bucket of popcorn and returns to the drawing board. Michelle begins eating handful after handful of popcorn. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 084: Having Fun with It [Jezzie]
"hello my name is jezzie jezzerson and i am here live reporting to you about the ongoing race war between the slimes and the pixingtons; so far there has been a single casualty, but it was pretty fucking awesome; here's a slow-mo replay!!!" The screen lights up with a slow motion video of a red slime being blown to bits in front of Amber. "reports say that one amber jade pixington is responsible for the tragedy; i really should get her autograph before she is brutally murdered by a horde of slimes absolutely parched for her blood; and now here's jezzie with the weather" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and reappears in front of the weather board, trading in her suit for a weather girl sweater. "as you can see, we've got nothing but clear skies and mild temperatures ahead; perfect weather for any sort of genocide one would want to commit; back to you, jezzie" Jezzie snaps her fingers again, reappearing behind the news desk, wearing her suit again. "thanks jezzie; in a much more hilarious bit of news, an old lady was absolutely DESTROYED today by an oncoming semi-truck; here's a slow-mo replay!!!" The screen lights up with a slow motion video of an old lady being brutally killed by a semi-truck. Jezzie begins to laugh and laugh, and the news program fades out with her still laughing. "and cut that's a wrap" Michelle claps the clapboard together and turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie Action News 5 t-shirt]

Mission 085: Life is Preferred [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"yo claire how's being a personal slave working out for you" "i'd rather be flipping ecto-burgers" "that bad?" "every time i think jezzie has made me hit the lowest low, she finds a way to send me even lower" "well you could always force the detectives to actually solve your murder and send you off" "jezzie destroyed all the evidence" "uh would you like me to recommend an exorcist" "i want to go to heaven; i don't want to just be GONE" "your options for getting to heaven are getting slimmer and slimmer by the day" "yo jakey can you do me a favour" "what is it" "kill jezzie for me please" "i don't know that sounds like it would be really hard" "come on be a pal" "what if i just did a cool backflip for you instead" "what you can't do a backflip" "WATCH ME" Jakey leaps into the air and flips around halfway, landing straight onto his head. "ow" Michelle walks up and does a flawless backflip. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 086: Knowledge is Power [Parallel Universe Candice]
"yo PUC what are you up to" "puc?!" "yeah parallel universe candice" "please don't call me that" "fine" "anyway, i keep getting mistaken for the regular candice, but since she is in jail, there is a candice-shaped hole to fill in the world's economy, and i just so happen to be candice-shaped, so i have decided to study construction and get my building license" "oh how's that going" "it's fascinating; did you know that buildings have thing thing beneath them called a 'foundation'" "yeah, regular candice always made hers out of igneous concrete" "the book doesn't say anything about 'igneous' anything" "regular candice was ahead of her time or so she said" "well i'm just going to use regular concrete" "fair enough" "and did you know that pine and spruce are the preferred woods for building construction" "regular candice always used poplar" "never heard of it" "neither had anyone else" "so this seems really easy; check out the shed i built" Jakey turns to see a perfectly-constructed shed made of spruce. "at least tell me you used galvanised depleted uranium nails" "uh no i used steel screws" "regular candice is going to be very upset if she ever gets out of jail" "i can take her" Michelle exits the shed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/galvanised depleted uranium nailgun weapon]

Mission 087: Splitting the Fanbase [Gwendolyn]
"okay jakey i've got a dilemma" "lay it on me" "so there's a race war going on right? so the pixingtons and the slimes are both on-edge and will abandon me if i offend them" "right" "but the two hottest releases of the year are pixington puncher 3 and slime slayer 5!!!" "just don't play either" "that's the thing: they hate fence-sitters as well so i need to commit to one side of the war" "well you should probably commit to the side you like better" "i hate them both" "what" "pixingtons are so annoying always buzzing around and covering people with that pixington dust shit, but slimes make annoying noises when they slosh around and they get goo all over everything" "the solution then is to play both and get all your aggression out" "i like that idea" Michelle walks up to Gwendolyn with a copy of Vampire Vanquisher 7. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Pixington Puncher 3 t-shirt/Slime Slayer 5 t-shirt/Vampire Vanquisher 7 t-shirt]

Mission 088: Strengthening the Fanbase [Gwendolyn]
"jakey your advice was spot-on; all the non-pixingtons and non-slimes loved how i hate so much" "so your next plan is, of course, to alienate more of your fanbase" "yeah, i grabbed elf eradicator 9 at gamestop" "that won't actually lose you any viewers either; regular elves don't even know what a computer is" "i was kind of hoping to also cause a vampires vs elves race war but maybe next year" "one race war is enough for one year" "true, true; can't eradicate all the bad races at once; gotta let them feel the fear" "word" Michelle walks up to Gwendolyn with a copy of Skeleton Smasher 5. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Elf Eradicator 9 t-shirt/Skeleton Smasher 5 t-shirt]

Mission 089: Animal Care [Noriko]
"yo noriko how's rexjamin been" "he's a model citizen but these instructions amber left are really weird" "i expected no less" "it says i need to give him daily flying lessons? he's a dog" "and amber wants to make him the first flying dog" "well it's not going to happen just by flapping his tail and hoping for the best, so i built rexjamin a tiny airplane" Noriko motions to Rexjamin, who is wearing an aviator cap and is behind the flight stick of a tiny airplane. "can dogs even operate machinery" "scraps learned how to conduct a train" Noriko motions into her room, where Scraps is conducting a train around Noriko's miniature track. "and it's totally safe either way; i've got a button here i can press that releases a parachute, letting rexjamin here float to the ground safely" "well let's see it" "okay boy test flight" Rexjamin gives Noriko a single bark of confidence, and turns on his instruments. Rexjamin taxis along the runway inside Jakey's apartment, and lifts off the ground, then retracts the landing gear and flies around the apartment. "that is one smart dog" "anyone can take off in a plane; landing is the hard part" Rexjamin continues to fly around the apartment without a care in the world. "rexjamin you're almost out of fuel it's time to land" Rexjamin does not listen, however, and keeps flying around aimlessly. "REXJAMIN I REPEAT: YOU ARE ALMOST OUT OF FUEL; IT'S TIME TO LAND" Rexjamin continues flying around, but quickly runs out of fuel and begins hurtling toward the floor. Noriko smashes the parachute button, and Rexjamin floats safely to the ground. "goddammit rexjamin that's the fourth time you've done this" Michelle parachutes through Jakey's window. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/aviator hat]

Mission 090: Aloft [Noriko]
"okay jakey i've figured it all out: rexjamin wants to fly and be free, never to land, so i have to create a flying machine that can stay aloft indefinitely" "so what's the plan" "i am going to replace the floor with high-powered fans and give him a glider" "no you're not" "dammit i already bought the fans" "i like my floor the way it is" "fine then, but you need to tell rexjamin that his dream of flying indefinitely won't happen because of YOU" "fine where is he" "uh good question" Noriko and Jakey scan the area. "oh there he is by the open window" Jakey walks over to Rexjamin. "hey rexjamin, i'm sorry but you need to land once in a while; you can't just stay aloft indefinitely" Rexjamin whines, sad that he was not born a bird. Michelle walks in, also sad that she was not born a bird. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/far too many high-powered fans]

Mission 091: Preparedness [Sophia]
"hey sophie i saw that sweet dodge you did earlier" "oh thanks, but it was the pixingtons' idea; i've never been one for all that high-falutin' technology" "yeah that sounds about right; i always pictured you as a low-falutin' type" "speaking of low-falutin', i felt bad for misplacing the clothes of that one pixington under the fridge, so i knitted her a new outfit all by myself" Sophia holds up that one pixington, bringing her to Jakey's attention so quickly that she gets whiplash. "you are doing really well at torturing this girl" "thanks i worked really hard on applying just the right amount of torture" "share with me another of your techniques" "oh this one time i had a pair of pliers in my one hand and her in the other, and i gripped her wing really tightly with the pliers and said i was going to rip it off and she cried for hours even after i let go and pinned her under those books by her hair again" "what would you do if it turns out you read the directions wrong and it was actually some other pixington you were supposed to torture" "that would be embarrassing; i should reread the letter just in case" Sophia grabs the letter and pores over it once again. "nope got it right" "do any of the other pixingtons know you're doing this" "yeah but they don't seem to mind; they all get a steak dinner to share between them while this one has to subsist on a diet of a special conoction i make by putting bread, tobasco, sriracha, wasabi, and monster energy drink into a blender" "eugh" "she refused to drink it at first but eventually she had no choice because her tears do not quench her thirst" Michelle walks into the room and grabs the special concoction out of the fridge, then pours it into her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/torture t-shirt]

Mission 092: Priorities [Sophia]
"hey jakey check it out: if i poke this pixington REALLY hard in the stomach, she passes out" Sophia does as she had described, and the Pixington also does as she had described. "uh wow" "also also i learned that she's allergic to honey so i've been coating the area between her wings with honey and she can't reach it to scratch the horrible itch i've created" "okay you may be going too far" "you think so?" "yeah i'm sure whatever she put amber through was like way less horrible than this" "define 'way less'" "like the difference between a sunburn and literally being tossed into the sun" "oh should i stop then" "yeah but she'll just get herself killed if you just let her roam free so let me take her" "okay so uh let me tell you first that she doesn't like spicy foods and she HATES horrible disfiguring pain and the threat of horrible disfiguring pain" "got it" Jakey grabs the pixington off the floor and carries her outside in his pocket. Shortly, she comes to. "where am i" "shhh i'm rescuing you" "REALLY?!" "SHHH there are slimes everywhere" "can't be any worse than that horrible woman" Jakey takes the pixington up to his apartment, where Noriko is still attempting to get Rexjamin to land his plane before it runs out of fuel. "noriko i've got another being for you to take care of" "oh great as if i didn't have enough on my plate already" Jakey places the pixington down onto the table. "did you rescue her from the slimes" "it's a long story" "luckily, i bought a bunch of tiny pixington meals accidentally when i mistook them for dog food" Noriko heats up a nice canned pixington meal and gets the pixington a tiny glass of milk, which she drinks happily. "so what's your name" "mary gianna pixington sir" "so uh you cool hanging out here" "YES SIR" "okay cool i'll be back later; noriko will make sure you're good to go" "thank you sir" Michelle walks in and places a huge bag of pixington feed on the counter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Mary missions]

Mission 093: Spice of Life [Jezzie]
"UGH THIS RACE WAR IS SO BORING" "i am positive that the races involved don't feel the same way" "listen, i have experienced every race war in history (and rewatched them all on DVD many times), so i am an expert; this one is BORING" "and i'm sure you've got an amazing plan to spice it up" "actually no" "what" "it's no fun if i interfere more than i already have" "so you're willing to let this race war just stalemate for possibly months" "yeah; also, i really need to get back to the marketing department; the power-clean dishwashing solution's sales have been slipping" "wait that was made by you?" "uh yeah" Jezzie holds up a box of Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution and points to the little picture of her face in the corner. "how did i never notice that before" "oh you don't notice half the things i do" "oh great" Michelle walks in, wearing all her Jezzie-brand clothing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/paranoia]

Mission 094: Life of Spice [Jezzie]
"hey jakey has that twilit forest place always been there" "not as i remember it" "hmmm well either way; dark elves are clearly the evil ones so i need to get them to pay their taxes" "i've met with both kinds of elves, and i'm pretty sure it's the regular elves that are the evil ones" "what? no that doesn't make any sense" "yeah i thought it was weird too" "let me check my malevodex" Jezzie pulls out her malevodex, and spins it around until she gets to the elf section. "well i'll be damned" "yeah those guys suck" "i don't really want to be associated with them though; they're evil in a really lame way" "understandable" "so obviously i need to make the dark elves evil in a cool way" "what" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and Molly appears. "wha-" "hey did you know the regular elves are way more evil than you" "WHAT" "it's true; they're so evil that i am going to give them an award for evilness" "NO WAY; WE DARK ELVES CAN BE WAY MORE EVIL THAN THEM" "prove it" "I WILL" Jezzie snaps her fingers again, and Molly disappears, leaving Michelle in her place. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Molyndre missions]

Mission 095: Tribulations [Noriko]
"hey noriko how's mary settling in" "who? OH right her yeah she's fine, sleeping in a drawer or whatever, but more importantly: I CANNOT BE DOING WITH THIS DOG" "what's wrong with rexjamin" "no matter how much i explain to him that he does not have infinite fuel, he always stays in the air too long and crashes to the ground and repairs are EXPENSIVE" "obviously he needs a self-landing plane" "i can't be REWARDING his LAZINESS and INEPTITUDE" "he's a dog" "that is no excuse; scraps knows how to stop his train to refuel and drop off his passengers" "scraps is simply gifted" "yeah and rexjamin is simply RETARDED" Rexjamin whines, staring at the wreckage of his plane. "NO I AM NOT REPAIRING IT AGAIN" Rexjamin whines louder. "KEEP THAT UP AND THE ONLY FLYING YOU'RE DOING IS OUT THE WINDOW VIA THE END OF MY FOOT" Rexjamin mopes off to his dog bed and stares sadly at his wrecked plane. "i can't really criticise you for this noriko; god knows that dog would have been dead long ago if i was in your place" "thanks that makes me feel a little better" Michelle walks in and repairs Rexjamin's plane. Rexjamin happily barks, boards his plane, and takes off. Noriko sits down in her chair and pours herself a tall glass of whiskey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dogplane t-shirt]

Mission 096: Well-Adjusted [Mary]
Jakey walks into his kitchen, and notices a large pile of powdered sugar on the counter. He walks over, and sees Mary climb the pile and hop on her tiny snowboard. Mary jets down the pile of sugar and flies off the ramp at the end, doing sick pixington airs before she lands inside a bowl of water, which has been lovingly prepared for a tiny pixington bubbly bath. "oh hello sir didn't see you there; say, could you be my spotter while i bathe" "okay" "cool; so make sure no one uses the counter until i yell 'MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE', okay sir?" "on it" Mary turns and grabs her tiny rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫blue jean baby, l.a. lady; seamstress for the band♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Noriko gasps in horror at the pile of powdered sugar on the counter. "jakey move i've got to clean that pile up before jakey sees it" "no can do; mary is taking a bath so the counter cannot be used right now" "♫HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY DANCER; COUNT THE HEADLIGHTS ON THE HIGHWAY♫" "it won't be but a minute; i won't even have my eyes open" "no one gets past" Noriko sighs and uses one of her forbidden ninja maid arts, teleporting behind Jakey and cleaning the mess. "dammit" Mary exits her bath, and pats Jakey on the back. "sorry sir it's not your fault; i was the one who underestimated her abilities" Mary flies off to her drawer to get some clothes on. Michelle pours some cereal into Mary's bathing bowl. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions]

Mission 097: Electric Warrior [Mary]
"you know what i haven't had in a while? top ramen" Jakey fills a measuring cup with two cups of water and pops it into the microwave. He presses the button, but nothing happens. "noriko the microwave is broken" "WHAT that's brand new!!!" "i don't remember buying a new microwave" "oh uh i had to buy a new one after the 'glowing 9000 degree knife' experiment" "you put a knife in the microwave?" "i was really drunk" "whatever anyway the new one you bought is already broken" "dammit i paid good money for the topmost of the line!!! i bought it from a guy in a trenchcoat and everything!!!" "aaaaaand DONE" "huh?" Jakey and Noriko peek over the back of the microwave and see Mary messing with the wiring. "um what are you doing back there" "oh hello sir i was just fixing this wiring; it was an absolute mess back here" "really?" "yes sir i mean it worked fine but it looked like a caveman did it" Mary flies over to the breaker and flips back on the kitchen circuit. "now allow me to make this meal for you sir!!!" Mary flies back to the microwave and boils the water for Jakey. Once ten minutes of microwaving have passed, she lugs the big brick of Top Ramen over to the boiling water and drops it in, as well as some butter, before popping the lid on. After a few more minutes, the meal is ready. "um i can't drain this myself sir" Jakey finishes making the easiest meal in the world, and sits down to eat it. His other recipes include 'frozen pizza' and 'microwave chicken nuggets'. Michelle walks in with a take-out bag from McDonald's. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/GLOWING 9,000 DEGREE KNIFE t-shirt]

Mission 098: The Pipes are Calling [Mary]
Jakey turns on the sink in order to wash his hands. There is a delay, but soon Mary shoots out of the faucet. "um what were doing in there" "oh SIR i was cleaning the pipes" "seriously?" "yeah i had my scuba gear and everything sir" "why" "do you know how much rust and calcium collects in those pipes, sir?! check out my rust sack" Mary opens up her sack, which is full of nothing but rust. "what's even the point of washing your hands if this is what you're washing them with, sir?!" "point taken" Mary flies over to the trash can and dumps out her rust sack, then returns to the sink. "can you give me a shove back up the faucet sir" "uh sure" Jakey shoves Mary up through the faucet, sending her back into the pipe to continue her mission. Michelle salutes the dilligent soldier. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/rust sack appears at safehouses]

Mission 099: The Devil You Know [Molyndre]
"okay jakey i'm ready to prove to that demoness that dark elves can be way more evil than regular elves" "and how do you intend to do that" "i undertook training for one of the most evil careers in the world - assassin" "assassins aren't inherently evil" "yes they are; they KILL people" "yeah for money; the morality is very neutral" "fine then i won't work for money; i will just kill people with haircuts i don't like" "that's not an assassin, that's a serial killer" "UGH FINE I UNDERTOOK TRAINING FOR ONE OF THE MOST EVIL CAREERS IN THE WORLD - SERIAL KILLER" "that's better" "so let me tell you about that one guy i killed" "lay it on me" "so first i smacked him over the head with a brick, and while he was recoiling in unconsciousness from being hit with a brick, i shot him in the head a few times" "nice" "yeah but i don't know how to top it" "how about hitting the next guy with a sack of bricks" "a whole sack?! i don't know if i can swing that efficiently" "hmmm well you set the bar pretty high" "dammit i knew i should have started with something less impressive" Michelle walks into the room, swinging a sack of bricks with reckless abandon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sack of bricks weapon]