One Thing to Remember (2022)

Mission 100: Making a Killing [Molyndre]
"all right jakey after my serial killing spree i decided that i need to get to work on another evil career, because evil has many, many facets" "what is it this time" "i took a professional race car driving class and have been using my skills to drive 20 mph in a one-lane 50 mph zone with high traffic density" "you know the law says that they can legally run you into a ditch or the side of a building with no consequence right" "when that happens, i hit the gas hard and let THEM hit the ditch" "oh smart" "but that's just how i commute to my real new evil career, professional pie taster" "that's not an evil career" "it is the way i do it; i specifically approve the bad-tasting pies and reject the good ones" "you monster" Jakey's phone buzzes in his pocket. "uh excuse me" Jakey opens his new message to see a picture of Jezzie with a single tear streaming down her cheek. The text underneath says 'i didn't want molyndre to see this but i just have to tell you how proud i am of that little dark elf'. "who was it from" "oh it was my sister, asking me to take her home" Michelle looks up from her garbage can rhubarb pie. "sorry i must have butt-dialed you but uh i agree with my own accidental sentiment; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 101: Elven Evil [Molyndre]
"jakey taste my new flavour food product" Jakey hesitantly takes a bite of Molly's newest flavour food, and is delightfully surprised. "oh my god this is amazing" "i know right? so my evil plan is to put this on the market and have everyone love it THEN DISCONTINUE IT THREE MONTHS LATER" "YOU MONSTER" "you have until december to enjoy this flavour food product and then it will be no more!!!" "this is just going too far" "NOT FAR ENOUGH I SAY!!! i will not stop or rest until that demoness ADMITS that dark elves can be more evil than regular elves!!!" "she's watching everyone constantly; by declaring that you won't rest until she declares your victory, she will simply never declare it" "..." "..." "FUCK" Molly begins to pace around. "oh i think i get it now; she was tricking me into doing heinously evil acts WITH NO INTENT TO REWARD ME FOR THEM!!! well that stops now; i am going to release this product and keep it on shelves for as long as i can" "which will probably coincidentally be three months anyway" "well yeah" Jezzie appears in a puff of smoke. "okay you got me; i really liked your evil and i just didn't want you to stop" "uh-huh" "no i'm serious; you've got a real gift" "a gift which i am no longer going to give to you after you hurt my feelings like that" "fair enough; i never knew when to quit while i was ahead" Jezzie hangs her head and snaps her fingers, disappearing in another puff of smoke. Michelle appears in her own puff of smoke. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/flavour food t-shirt]

Mission 102: Problems and Solutions [Noriko]
"jakey that pixington you brought home is a lifesaver" "what's she doing now" "well you remember how rexjamin was constantly refusing to land his plane, running out of fuel, then crashing and destroying his plane right" "right" "well every hour on the hour, mary has been flying alongside rexjamin and giving him more fuel" "and i see you've taken this opportunity to catch up on your reading" "oh yeah; have you ever read a tale of two cities? it was certainly the best of times" "really? because i heard it was the worst of times" "maybe that's later in the book; i haven't gotten very far" Michelle walks in, carrying a hundred tiny fuel cans for Mary. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions]

Mission 103: Literacy [Noriko]
"hey noriko how's a tale of two cities going" "oh i dropped it; i was really into it when it was the best of times, but the worst of times just came too soon for total mood whiplash; i have no idea how it got past editors with absolutely no lead-up or foreshadowing to such a drastic change in tone" "well book-writing is basically just a contest to see how pretentious you can be" "yeah so i've given up on reading; i'm now watching a brand new netflix series called 'teen problems high school'" "how's that going" "oh it's horrible; yvonne said she was jennifer's friend but then she stole jennifer's boyfriend!!! and claudia is failing algebra but is lying to her parents about it so she can go to veronica's party!!! and don't even get me STARTED on what lucille is doing!!!" "sounds very unique and original" "totally" A loud noise erupts from behind Jakey. He turns to see Mary blowing her nose. "HOW COULD YVONNE DO THAT TO JENNIFER!!! THEY WENT TO SUMMER CAMP TOGETHER AND WHEN YVONNE GOT BIT BY A SNAKE, JENNIFER GOT A MATCHING SNAKEBITE SCAR ON HER LEG JUST FOR HER!!! THEY WERE LIKE SISTERS!!! CLOSER THAN THAT!!!" Mary sobs into a tissue the size of her whole body. Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him her algebra paper, which has the 'F' on it changed to an 'A'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Teen Problems High School t-shirt]

Mission 104: High Quality Television [Jezzie]
"oh hey jakey have you ever seen this show, teen problems high school? it's HILARIOUS!!!" "i've heard otherwise" "no no it's a side-splitter!!! so this girl yvonne right? she's friends with this girl jennifer and they're inseparable right? like that one time yvonne accidentally got her hair caught in a lawnmower and looked ridiculous, jennifer purposely got HER hair stuck in a lawnmower so they could look ridiculous together right? well then yvonne just one day up and steals jennifer's boyfriend!!! IT'S THE MOST BRILLIANT COMEDY SINCE THE LAST TEEN DRAMA!!!" "i'll bet" "my favourite character HAS to be lucille; i can't even DESCRIBE the absolute SHENANIGANS she gets into!!! even thinking about it is absolutely destroying my sides!!!" "i'll have to check it out" "oh please do; you will not be disappointed" Michelle walks up, carrying her new Lucille action figure. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Teen Problems High School action figure set appears at safe houses]

Mission 105: A Nice Survey [Jezzie]
"hey jakey what are your thoughts on zombies" "they're the worst; ugly, disgusting, and not very good conversationalists" "hmmm it's just as the market data says; people can't stand zombies" Jezzie shakes her head and begins scribbling on her notepad. "so obviously i need to cut funding to zombie production" "or you could increase funding to make zombies better like vampires or ghosts" "zombies already have the most funding of all the undead and they're still just the worst; i am going to have to completely cut their funding and end zombie production once and for all so we can get more vampires and liches out into the world" "i approve of your plan" "it's a shame; i always liked zombies, but they're just too slow and fragile to really do any evil" "and you'd never see a movie where the teenage girl falls in love with a zombie" "WE ALREADY MADE THAT MOVIE BACK IN 2008!!! it got absolutely BURIED at the box office!!!" "oh shame" "well you may as well watch what happens when i drain the zombie funding and put it into vampires" Jezzie pulls a lever, cutting zombie funding entirely, and causing all zombies on earth to drop dead again. She then pulls a second lever, draining around half of the saved zombie money into vampires. Jakey looks at the monitor where Gwendolyn's stream is pulled up. Her bust size increases a full cup instantly. "that's never happened before" Jezzie gets onto the intercom. "YOU'RE WELCOME" "uh thanks boss" Gwendolyn salutes and returns to her game. "now watch what happens when i pour the rest of the money into michelle funding!!!" "wha-" Jezzie pulls a third lever, and soon Michelle appears, bustier than ever. "take me home" "now watch what happens when i remove michelle funding!!!" Jezzie pulls the lever again, and Michelle's bust shrinks back to normal. A single tear streams down her cheek. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 106: Funding Crisis [Jezzie]
"so where'd the rest of the funding go" "well i felt really bad about what happened with the dark elves so i poured some funding to them" "really?" "yeah but they refused it" "damn them" "so i decided to split the remaining funding evenly between the pixingtons and the slimes so this race war can get exciting" "i thought you didn't want to interfere" "well this way, it's equal; the balance of power is still exactly the same, it's just that there's more to balance now" "fair enough" "let us check in on the combatants" Jezzie turns on her big screen, and an image of Goo Zealand appears on-screen. "they seem to have stocked up on gooclear missiles" "i think they're going mad with power" "oh boy my favourite" Jezzie pulls up a chair and snaps her fingers to create a bucket of popcorn. The slimes launch gooclear missile after gooclear missile, but the newly-constructed Pixington Anti-Gooclear Aerial Neutraliser (or PAGAN) shoots the missiles out of the sky, causing the gooclear waste to fall straight onto Goo Zealand. The slimes hang their heads and get out their mops and buckets. Jakey can see Goocille in the corner of the screen, a singoole tear streaming down her face. "seems like a stalemate" "at least it was halfway entertaining" Michelle walks up and grabs a handful of popcorn. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Goocille missions]

Mission 107: Peace of Mind [Mary]
"hey mary what are you up to" "oh sir i am working on forcing peace between the pixington and slime races" "forcing?" "yes sir i know we'll never have such things as 'mutual respect and trust' like the orcs and humans have with eachother; so i've decided to force peace in the same way a married couple that hate eachother is forced to stay together for their kids" "wait is that a real thing?" "uh yeah that's how my parents were sir" "weird" "when i turned eighteen, my parents got divorced the very next day sir" "uh" "anyway sir i have created the ultimate fusion of pixington and slime deoxyribonucleic acid" Mary steps aside to reveal a slime pixington; a foot-tall creature with wings, made entirely of slime. "here she is sir; her name is goolementine" "it hurts goo live" "um there are still some kinks to work out sir" Mary gives Goolementine a sign, and Goolementine begins flapping her gooey wings for takeoff. Goolementine lifts into the air, spraying goo all over the room as she flaps her wings. "maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board" "you may be right sir" Mary signals for Goolementine to land, and pulls out her tiny pixington gun. "i am so sorry goolementine" A single tear streams down Mary's cheek as she fires her bullet, which gets stuck in Goolementine's gooey exterior. "FUCK" Mary regains her composure and plants a tiny pixington bomb inside of Goolementine, blowing her up and covering the entire room in goo and pixington gore. "OH COME ON" Noriko enters the room, flabberghasted. "I JUST CLEANED THIS ROOM" Michelle walks in and passes to Noriko a box of Power-Clean Dishwashing Solution. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Goolementine memorial appears at safehouses]

Mission 108: Fully-Funded [Gwendolyn]
"so gwendo how's the funding been for you" "oh it's great; the donations just poured in after the expansion" "i'll bet" "so i'm going to funnel the donations into even MORE funding" "can you even do that?! is that even possible?!" "only one way to find out" Gwendolyn drains her money into vampire funding, which simply makes her outfit skimpier. "that wasn't what i was expecting" "i can't stream like this!!! underboob is simply too much!!!" "i don't know; i'm a fan" "yeah but i can't just show it for no reason!!! it's a donation incentive!!!" "well put on another outfit" "right right" Gwendolyn goes to her closet, but all her outfits have transformed similarly. "FUCK" "sounds like you need to decrease funding" "right right" Gwendolyn calls up Jezzie. "hey uh jezzie can i decrease funding for vampires? i am having regrets" "yes but since the money is officially in the pool, it has to go to some other race" "can i increase funding for wights? i've always liked wights" "wight makes right as they say" Jezzie pours Gwendolyn's money into wights, returning Gwendolyn's outfit to normal. "maybe now they'll be able to wage that race war they always wanted against the orcs" "cool" Michelle walks in, and presents Gwendolyn with the skimpy outfit from earlier. As it reaches Gwendolyn's hands, it turns into her usual frilly collared shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/wight makes right t-shirt]

Mission 109: Truly Gooly [Goocille]
"i hate those pixingtons SO FUCKING MUCH" "because they thwarted your attempts to genocide them?" "most recently, yes" "yeah how dare they" "seriously? GOO of all people are giving me shit about this?" "your technique is fucking awful; i could genocide a race way faster than this" "by all means, goo ahead and try" "okay" Jakey pulls out a salt shaker. "UM LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS" "so are you going to take my word for it" "yes fine goo're the best at genocide but could goo at least give me some tips" "try sucking less" "oh thank goo for the useful criticism; goo know, i'd almost think goo were a pixington-synthesiser" "sympathiser" "whatever" "a race war should be won by the SUPERIOR race, not the first race to ask for advice from the undefeated race war champions" "fair enough; it's comforting goo know that goo and goor race are entirely gootral in this conflict" "this way, we can say that we always believed in the winner, regardless of who it is" "smart" Michelle walks up, and places a salt shaker on the table. Goocille begins to sweat heavily. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixington-synthesiser t-shirt]

Mission 110: Back to Basics [Goocille]
"okay jakey so i've figoored out that the problem we've been having is simply goo many gooks in the kitchen" "you hate koreans as well?" "goold goo please stop making fun of my accent" "i make no guarantees" "ANYWAY it's now my turn goo come up with a plan goo finally genocide the pixington menace" "and what have you come up with" "okay okay have goo ever heard of this weird goo invention called 'drones'" "they fly around right" "right so when the pixingtons see the pixington-shaped drones we've invented, they'll be like 'OH SHIT' and try goo resgoo their goomrades" "and then?" "then the weapons will deploy and slaughter them" "okay, fire away" "with pleagoore" Goocille releases a gaggle of 99 balloons with pixingtons drawn on them. "that was not what i thought you meant" "well uh we spent all our funding on the gooclear missiles; we had goo make goo with a low budget" "i'm sure they won't see through this at all, and that you trying this now won't cause them to be wary if you try again when you actually have a budget to spend on your plan" "ah shit help me round them back up" Goocille stretches and stretches, but the balloons are out of her reach. Michelle falls from the sky, grabbing all the balloons as she descends to slow herself down. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixington balloons t-shirt]

Mission 111: Quality Television [Noriko]
"JAKEY I AM HAVING CONFLICTING FEELINGS" "um okay" "you remember how yvonne stole jennifer's boyfriend?!" "uh yeah" "well apparently she only did it because she knew that the boyfriend was a serial killer!!! instead of trying to kill jennifer, he tried to kill yvonne instead!!!" "did he succeed" "no because yvonne called the police beforehand!!! yvonne wasn't being a heartless bitch!!! it was the opposite!!! she got the boyfriend arrested and got jennifer out of danger!!! THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS AN INSPIRATION!!!" A loud nose-blowing noise comes from a vaguely Mary-ward direction. "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!! THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL THAT I FIRMLY BELIEVE TEEN PROBLEMS HIGH SCHOOL IS A DOCUMENTARY!!!" "i'm glad everything worked out i guess" Michelle enters the room, also crying over the beauty of Teen Problems High School. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions]

Mission 112: Wight as Night [Jezzie]
"man i should let gwendo choose where the funding goes all the time" "wights are working out that well?" "totally; their weapons and armour are now top-of-the-line and they're ready to take on the orcs once scheduling permits" "i'm sure i'll hear all about it a year from now" "i'll be sure to send you a copy of the dvd highlights" "um thanks" "don't mention it; i love the way the blood just gushes out of an orc; with them, every vein is an artery" "seriously?" "yeah orc physiology is one of my favourites; i love cracking one open, it's just so satisfying" "i'll take your word for it" "suit yourself" Michelle walks in, blood spraying from one of her arteries. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 113: Reality but Worse [Mary]
Jakey walks into his apartment to find Mary flying around haphazardly. "um mary what's going on are you drunk" "wha- NO SIR i am just playing this new virtual reality game" "you're going to hurt yourself flying around like that without being able to see" "sorry sir; i get really into it" Mary takes off her headset. "here give it a try sir" Mary holds out the tiny headset. "i don't think it's my size" "oh right well uh sorry sir" "it doesn't matter; if i'm playing a game, i want it to be on the big tv with a controller in my hand" "i tried to play one of your videogames once and i just couldn't press all the buttons at the same time because the controller was too big sir" "we'll have to get engineering on that problem right away" "if you'll excuse me sir, i must get back to defeating the terrifying cyclops" "don't let me keep you" Mary puts her headset back on, and at the same time, Michelle stumbles into the room wearing her own headset. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the big TV t-shirt]

Mission 114: A Well-Laid Trap [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i just got an anonymous letter telling me to go to the docks" "that sounds fishy" "well i think it's from olivia; it looks like her handwriting" "why wouldn't she sign it" "i don't know; maybe she expects me to recognise her handwriting at a glance and is testing our friendship" "oh that sounds very unlikely so it's probably true; do you want a ride" "yeah let's go" Jakey and Gwendolyn ride on down to the docks, and wait on the red X that the sender of the letter had painted on the ground. "nice of olivia to leave us this easily-identifiable red X on the ground" "yeah real considerate that one" A minute passes, and a wrecking ball crashes through the wall of the nearby warehouse, but it hits nothing. "what was that" "DAMMIT I THOUGHT I SAID TO STAND ON THE RED X" "WE ARE STANDING ON THE RED X" Holly looks down, and, sure enough, Gwendolyn and Jakey are standing on a red X. "dammit i knew i should have checked the other docks to see if there were any other red Xes" "so why are you trying to kill us" "VAMPIRES ARE A BLIGHT ON NATURE" "oh some hippie-dippie bullshit then" "I WILL DESTROY YOU, ABOMINATION OF NATURE" "no thanks" Gwendolyn begins to walk away as Holly lunges, causing her to fall on her face. "man those regular elves are just the worst aren't they" "you said it" "HEEEEEYYYYY" Jakey and Gwendolyn turn to see Olivia waving from across the docks. "i brought you some orcish cookies" "oh sweet" "what's with the knocked out regular elf" "she was trying to kill me" "oh dammit next time i'll have to be more careful about what shady location i have you go to" "nah it's fine" Michelle walks up and grabs an orcish cookie. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 115: A Friendly Warning [Olivia]
"hey jakey have you heard about this race war between the pixingtons and the slimes" "once or twice" "man it's so unfair!!! we orcs haven't had a good race war in YEARS" "when was the last one" "2018; i have very fond memories of the genocide of the land-mermaids" "land-mermaids?" "yeah some uppity land-mermaids tried to take our land and we showed them what for" "well that explains why i didn't see you at all that year" "yeah; we almost genocided the water-mermaids too, but decided against it" "why" "orcs can't swim so we'd just kind of be stuck underwater forever" "then you could have developed an entire sub-species of merorcs" "i don't think that that would be evolutionarily feasible" "maybe not" "but man, i could sure go for a good race war now" "well you didn't hear this from me, but i hear the wights are stronger than ever and looking for revenge" "OH BOY i've got to go sharpen my axe!!!" "um before you go can you off-handedly mention someone so i know who to go see in mission 116" "oh uh how about that actress rachel" "perfect thanks" Olivia skips off to sharpen her axe, and Michelle appears. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 116: Well, I'm Runnin' Down the Road, Tryin' to Loosen My Load [Rachel]
"hello customer and welcome to world tours!!! where we show you the world's greatest attractions and landmarks!!! i am your host, rachel jackson!!!" "rachel? why are you a tour guide now" "i'm doing research for an upcoming film; load on up onto the bus and away we will go to our first attraction!!!" "you know what? i'm tired of hearing about this race war when everyone knows i'm not going to do anything about it; i'll go on your sight-seeing tour" Jakey loads into the bus, and is the only person on the tour. "our first stop is the pride of mojavistan: the great pyramids!!! no one knows how they were built, but we believe they were built shortly after the ancient mojavistanians invented the triangle!!!" "oh wow" "they say that inside each pyramid lies a dead body!!! but if someone asks if you want to see a dead body, it is probably a cunning trap and not a historical adventure!!! i speak from experience!!!" The tour bus rolls up to a pyramid, and Michelle exits, wrapped in toilet paper. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pyramids t-shirt]

Mission 117: Got Seven Women on My Mind [Rachel]
"next up, we visit alabama to see the king bran's very own castle!!!" The bus drives through the gate, straight into the throne room. "and here is the king bran himself!!!" "hey" "hey" "common folklore says that the 'bran' in king bran's name is actually short for 'braniel'!!!" "oh just like how jack is short for jachary" "exactly!!! and on your left you'll see king bran's trusty maid eme-wait where's emelyn" "in jail" "uh TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES FOLKS" Rachel runs off for a moment, the returns in a hastily-maid Emelyn costume. "hi there howdy i'm emelyn the maid i'm going over here now" Rachel zips off again, returning to her tourguide outfit. "and on your right you'll see michelle asking to be taken home!!!" Jakey turns to see Michelle, doing what was described. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran's castle t-shirt]

Mission 118: Four That Want to Own Me, Two That Want to Stone Me [Rachel]
"and here we have the twilit forest's most impressive landmark, the big tree!!! renowned worldwide for its bigness, the big tree is truly pretty big!!!" "i can see that yeah" "um AND LOOK IT'S MICHELLE AGAIN!!!" Jakey turns to see Michelle, once again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the big tree t-shirt]

Mission 119: One Says She's a Friend of Mine [Rachel]
"and here we have an impressive sight; the world's largest cotton ball!!! legend says that this sprig of cotton took over a thousand niggers to pick!!!" "wow" "it's hugeness and its fluffiness is unrivaled the world over!!! the t-shirts in the gift shop are spun using cotton from this very ball*!!!" "asterisk?" "HEY IS THAT MICHELLE OVER THERE" Jakey turns to see Michelle again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/world's largest cotton ball t-shirt]

Mission 120: Take it Easy, Take it Easy [Rachel]
"get out your umbrellas!!! this is slime tower!!! the gooiest tower in the world!!! look at it drip!!! it's really fucking gross and i want to leave now!!!" "is that last part on your script" "no can we please leave i hate this country and i want them to lose the race war" "fine" Just then, Michelle bungee jumps off of slime tower. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/slime tower t-shirt]

Mission 121: Don't Let the Sound of Your Own Wheels Make You Crazy [Rachel]
"and this is pixington tower!!! it is made of the finest toothpicks in the world!!!" "it looks kind of burnt and crumbly" "oh right the slimes razed it because of the race war; so uh let me revise this script here" Rachel takes out a red marker and begins scribbling on her script. "and this is pixington charred rubble!!! the most charred rubble in the world!!! like a good steak, this rubble is certainly well-done!!! take care not to step on it!!!" Michelle was about to step on the charred rubble, but hearing Rachel's words made her be more careful and not step on it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixington tower t-shirt]

Mission 122: Lighten Up While You Still Can [Rachel]
"and this is area three!!! this is where the alabamanian government keeps all the alien technology from last year's invasion!!!" "what's in the first two areas then" "area one is king bran's sock research laboratory and area two is where they keep all the frozen bodies of past king brans for if we ever discover how to revive them" "oh cool" "area four is a water park featuring the world's largest waterslide" "also cool" Michelle slides down Area 4's big waterslide. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/area 3 t-shirt]

Mission 123: Don't Even Try to Understand [Rachel]
"and this is the convenience store!!! excuse me while i grab some snacks" Rachel zips into the convenience store, and returns with armfuls of snacks. "on your left, you will see the pre-packaged cupcakes!!! and on your right, the beef jerky!!!" "dare i?" Jakey nervously opens both the jerky and the cupcake. He places a piece of beef jerky atop his cupcake and bites down. "you are a brave man" "it's really good" "seriously?" Rachel follows Jakey's lead, and bites into her own cupcake/jerky combination. "goddamn" Michelle also follows suit, and bites into her own combination. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/convenience store t-shirt]

Mission 124: Just Find a Place to Make Your Stand [Rachel]
"and on your right, you will see a car wreck!!! gaze wreckward as the vehicles involved burn with unrivaled intensity!!! watch as the occupants struggle to get out of their soon-to-be tombs!!! and be sure to listen to their horrifying screams of pain!!!" "wow" Jakey takes a picture of the car wreck. Michelle takes several, and also makes an audio recording of the screams to save for later. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/car wreck t-shirt]