A St. Patrick's Day Thing (2029 - March)

March 001: A Glorious Day for All [King Bran]
"jakey great news; st. patrick returns today from his angelic disruption" "angelic what now" "you know how when a demoness or goddess is killed, she is removed from this mortal coil for two years? well angels do the same thing except it's for five years" "oh cool" "st. patrick's day is great and all but it's a lot better with the actual st. patrick around" "i'm just glad we'll finally have someone around to take care of the snake problem" A snake slithers by, and St. Patrick heroically enters to shoo it off to where it came from. "oh st. patrick how goes it" "not good with all these snakes running around; oh how i hate them" "yeah they're a real drag" "now tell me: did echidna become queen of hell or something in my absence? this is an inordinate amount of snakes" "no but the other demonesses pretty much gave her carte blanche as long as she doesn't use that really big one" "well regardless, i must do my saintly duty as the patron saint of driving out snakes and defeat echidna or die trying" "try not to die before st. patrick's day; it always puts a damper on the celebrations when you're dead" "no promises" St. Patrick turns and marches off, driving away every snake in the place as he moves. Michelle slithers into the castle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

March 002: A Different Problem Entirely [King Bran]
"oh jakey thanks for coming; we've got another saint-related problem" "unrelated to st. patrick?" "right; this time it's saint dismas" "the repentant thief?" "yeah that guy; he's gone missing" "oh no" "all that was left behind was this calling card; it says it's from the great thief bonnie, but i didn't even need to call in my handwriting expert to tell you it was written by a sioby" "you know, just once, i'd like something to be stolen by somebody else" "i'll leave you to it" Jakey heads down to the usual spot. "hello sioby" "really? already? i've been working on my handwriting to be less sioby-like" "it's not something so easily shaken" "damn" "so why did you steal saint dismas?" "hate that guy" "what" "the repentant thief? what a crock" "listen, sioby, i have put up with a lot from you, but this may be going too far" "i agree; i lashed him to that cross and he just won't shut up" "huh?" Siobhan tears a blanket off of Saint Dismas's cross. "yo what's up my dogs; saint dizzy in the hizzy!!!" "what." "it's so annoying" "hey saint dismas um you good up there" "oh yes; this is very nostalgic" "really?" "it positively gets the blood PUMPING; i feel more alive and energetic than i ever have before!!!" "um, cool" Siobhan throws the sheet back over Saint Dismas. "can you see the problem i have? every second with dismas is dismal" "then just put him back where you found him" "i was working on an anchor so i could throw him in the ocean" "sioby, you can't just throw saints into the ocean because they annoy you" "you stood idly by when nyx threw a bunch of angels into a volcano" "she's the queen of olympus and a goddess besides; if you became the goddess of thievery, i'd relent" "looks like i have a new life goal" "good luck with that" Jakey turns, grabs Michelle, and leaves. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions/Nyx missions]

March 003: Can of Worms [Echidna]
"jakey good you received my summons" "it's not often i receive a summons" "it's not often that st. patrick returns from the dead to try and destroy me and everything i hold dear" "fair" "so obviously, as my biggest fan, you have come up with a way to defend me from that holy hooligan" "um, no? i love st. patrick" "WHAT." "he's cool; he got a holiday devoted to himself and said we all should just spend all day drinking to him" "okay that is pretty cool but still i cannot allow this nonsense to continue; he means me harm and also my beautiful snakes" "i can understand why you'd take that position" "so please take your own position and help me out here" "you know that i don't like taking positions; i let everything work out on its own and then complain about the outcome, when i had ample opportunity to change that outcome" "yeah that does sound like you" "so i am going to leave, presumably with michelle, and when i come back, you can tell me all about the cockamamie scheme you've concocted and i will watch it not work" "that unfortunately sounds like a plan" Jakey turns and grabs Michelle and exits the area. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

March 004: A New Day Breaks [Echidna]
"okay jakey i've come up with a cockamamie scheme" "do tell" "i have created my own holiday for drinking on march 015 called st. echidna's day" "you can't just declare yourself a saint, especially when you're a literal demon" "no you misunderstand; the st. stands for 'stumbling' due to all the drinking we will be doing" "oh fair" "i have posted fliers all around inviting people to the new holiday and i hope for a great turnout" "do you have any of these fliers on-hand" "yeah check it out" Echidna hands Jakey a flier. "that is a lot of snakes" "if you look closely, even the letters are snakes" "i noticed" "i created this font myself; soon, it will be pre-installed on every computer in the world" "well you did a good job of making sure all the letters are easily-distinguished from eachother" "yeah i read a book and everything about fontology" "someone actually bought sabrina's book?!" "um yeeeessss, 'bought', indeed" "well she'll be happy someone read her book anyway" "and isn't that really all that matters?" "i'm sure money to buy food or old typewriters would be appreciated" "old typewriters?" "she likes to retrofit them with modern fonts" "well we all need hobbies i suppose" Michelle comes up and begins the St. Echidna's Day celebrations and libations early. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sabrina Sable missions]

March 005: Back to the Rooms [Siobhan]
"oh good jakey i have decided to release saint dismas back into the wild" "good call" "so here he goes" Siobhan pushes Saint Dismas's cross into the ocean. "how is he supposed to avoid drowning while lashed to a cross" "that is his problem that he is free to solve as he chooses; it is out of my hands now" "uh-huh" "so, you want to pop down to steal some ice cream cones" "in march?" "yeah no one would be expecting it" "true i suppose" "i know a place that has the absolute rockiest road you've ever seen" "i prefer my ice cream smooth, without chunky bits" "boring; the more chunky bits, the better" "wow sioby i knew you were wrong about everything, but you're even wrong about ice cream; impressive" "your perspective is skewed" "i can see why you'd say that; from your skewed perspective, regular perspectives would seem very skewed indeed" "fine; i will steal some ice cream on my own and not give you any" "sounds like a plan" Siobhan storms off, and Michelle drags Saint Dismas's cross ashore. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

March 006: One of the Good Ones [Nyx]
"hey nyx are you looking forward to st. patrick's day" "oh yes; i always loved that guy" "really? i thought you hated angels" "how could anyone hate st. patrick?! he drove the snakes out of ireland!!! he's a true hero!!!" "glad that we're all on the same page here" "of course; only an idiot would hate st. patrick" "so do you have any plans for the big day" "i'm going to get wasted of course; i've got a huge cask of dionysus's best and i'm positively itching to guzzle it down" "what about the kobolds" "i tried to give them the day off but they refused; they are a weird bunch" "no one should have to work on st. patrick's day" "i know right? but the kobolds told me they don't enjoy getting drunk and would rather just do paperwork" "gross" "speaking of, how does lilith sorry on st. patrick's day" "what do you mean" "remember how i created goblins? well i made them love liquor but be completely unable to keep it down" "of course" "i'd watch the fireworks myself but i'm always too drunk to function" "naturally" Michelle stumbles up, having sampled the libations prematurely. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

March 007: Bookworm [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina, did you hear? someone bought your book" "unfortunately no; someone stole a copy of my book" "oh uh sorry" "it's okay; i'm just glad someone read it" "that's the spirit" "i mean check out this poster echidna made advertising her new holiday; this font is absolutely beautiful, capturing her snakely charm as well as the spirit of her new holiday" "so will you be celebrating st. echidna's day?" "no because i'm still kind of mad she stole my book instead of paying for it; i had grand plans for that money" "really?" "yes, i hope to one day build a font-based amusement park to get the kids excited about typefaces" "will the slide be shaped like a J?" "i plan to have multiple slides shaped like multiple different Js; this will teach kids that different fonts have different applications" "smart; try to avoid ones that would get the kids injured so you don't have to shut down" "there will be a foam pit below the slides" "makes sense" "there will also be two restaurants; one with a nice logo and menu that serves good food, and one with a terrible logo and menu that serves garbage" "what will you do if the latter restaurant becomes the popular one" "cry" "sounds about right" Michelle walks up and hands Sabrina all the Gs she ordered. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

March 008: Preparedness [Lilith]
"hey lilith how are the preparations for st. patrick's day coming" "i started back in january; we are in GOBCON 1" "sounds serious" "i have locked away all liquors and libations; i have vomit-proofed all the electrical outlets; i have made sure that no goblin will be drinking this st. patrick's day" Just then, a horde of goblins appears, led by Gobigail, and holding up chunks of picket fence. "what are they up to" "they're trying to protest me; at first they thought i was locking up the liquor to keep it safe before they all get wasted on st. patrick's day, but then i told them gomorrah is not celebrating st. patrick's day this year and they got all indignant on me" "GIVE US BACK STRICK'S DAY!!!" "strick's day?" "did you really expect them to be able to use a two-syllable word off the cuff like that?" "i guess not" "STRICK'S DAY!!! STRICK'S DAY!!!" "i do not envy you this st. patrick's day" "say jakey how would you like to buy some goblins off me? i'll let them go cheap" "no thanks" "damn" Michelle walks up, stricken by the passion for Strick's Day. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gobigail missions]

March 009: Party Preparations [Echidna]
"hey echidna what's up" "i am preparing my snakely tail off preparing for st. echidna's day; i am simply vibrating with excitement at the prospect of sharing my new snakely holiday with the world!!! i'm going to throw the biggest st. echidna's day party the world's ever seen!!!" "by default even" "well yeah; i should invite friends" "you have friends?" "i should make friends" "good luck with that" "do you think busara would come? if i can make her a friend, i can have her drop off a bunch of people at the party against their will" "oh good idea" "i'll task you with this; i have a lot of snake-shaped balloons to inflate" "why not just create a new type of snake that can float" "you're a genius jakey" "oh thanks" Echidna slithers over to her drafting table, where Michelle is drawing a really cool S. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions]

March 010: Keeping the Goblins Down [Gobigail]
"jakey can you believe that lilith won't let us celebrate strick's day" "yes, after everything i've heard about previous years" "well i have called in an expert; gobitha will convince lilith" "surely" Jakey and Gobigail peek out from around the corner, where Gobitha is approaching Lilith. "miss lilith i have a bone to pick with you wot wot" Lilith sighs, already tired of Gobitha's college-educated shit. "what is it" "my fellow goblins and i are positively livid at you denying us our annual strick's day celebration wot wot!!! strick's day is an absolute glossal delight in such a way that makes the other 364 days seem utterly banal, old bean!!!" "you can't hold your liquor; every goblin always vomits all over the sinful manse" "that's the best part wot wot!!! the sheer glossal delight of a good vomit is a modern marvel!!!" "and then i have to clean it up" "small price to pay for the true glory of strick's day wot wot" "the answer is still no" "oh bugger me wot wot" Gobitha mopes off. "well damn" "that went about as well as i expected" "this is not over" "i never expected it to be" Michelle walks up, sucking down a libation. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

March 011: A Reputation to Uphold [Busara]
"hey busara, echidna wanted me to ask you if you'd be a friend and come to her new holiday, st. echidna's day" "what's that all about" "drinking, getting drunk" "isn't that just st. patrick's day?" "she's just mad that people revere st. patrick despite his repeated aggressions against snakekind" "i'll pass" "she was hoping you'd bring a busload of people against their will" "that's a great way to lose all business; i may trick people into desiring to go to weird places, but i could never trick people into wanting to celebrate a holiday celebrating snakes to the chagrin of our beloved st. patrick" "even demonesses love st. patrick?" "oh definitely; he's a cool guy, and other than echidna, we're all just jealous that the olympians got to him to canonise him before we could make him a demon" "do they get first pick?" "every time and it makes our respective bloods boil" "makes sense" "regardless, i need to deliver these passengers to the sulfur fields; they're simply clamoring in there" "don't let me keep you" Busara hops into her bus and takes off. Michelle chases after the bus, late for her anticipated visit to the sulfur fields. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

March 012: A Terrible Week [Lilith]
"hey lilith how are you holding up" "terribly; the goblins keep coming up with more harebrained plots to get me to unlock the liquor cabinet" Just then, Gobriella waddles up to Lilith wearing a vest of hot dogs. "give us back strick's day or i will blow this place to submarines" "those are hot dogs not dynamite" "damn i thought you wouldn't notice the difference" Gobriella mopes off, her latest plan having failed. "you know, eleatrice doesn't have this problem" "well uh chin up lil; eventually, it will be march 018" "i am counting the seconds" Michelle waddles up to Jakey wearing a vest of actual dynamite. "take me home or i will blow this place to submarines"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

March 013: 48 Hours Remain [Echidna]
"oh good jakey you're just in time; how many guests are you inviting to the st. echidna's day celebrations? i've got to make sure i've got enough plastic cups" "how many do you have" "456,293,812; if that's not enough, i have more coming tomorrow" "that will probably be enough" "are you sure?" "yeah" "okay okay i'm just nervous; i've never had my own holiday before" "i've made sure everyone i know is aware of your special day" "oh thanks" "don't mention it" Michelle walks up and places another pallet of plastic cups in the center of the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

March 014: 24 Hours Remain [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice are you attending echidna's party tomorrow" "what's the occasion" "st. echidna's day" "oh that; kind of redundant, isn't it?" "she hopes to replace st. patrick's day" "good luck with that one; i am planning to get so wasted on march 017 that i will not want to imbibe another libation until march 017 of 2030" "i imagine that's how most people do it" "so are YOU planning to attend st. echidna's day" "i might show up, but i've got a doctor's note saying that due to a prior accident, i am not allowed to drink until march 017" "smart" Michelle turns up with a doctor's note saying that she is not allowed to have her soul reaped by the queen of Hell until September. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

March 015: St. Echidna's Day [Echidna]
"okay jakey today's the big day!!! i am so excited!!!" "right well before we start, i need to show you this doctor's note" Echidna reads over the note. "rough, but i suppose it can't be helped" "so i will be here, cheering you and yours on, hoping for a successful holiday" "i appreciate that jakey; most people would be bitter that they can't partake in the alcohol-fueled celebrations, but you are a cut above" "sure" "now we wait for the other guests to arrive" Echidna and Jakey wait and wait. "um echidna? the party started five hours ago and no one's shown up" "maybe they're intimidated by my snakely presence; very understandable" "that is indeed a possibility" "allow me to check the global breathalyzer" "wait, you can check the blood alcohol level of the entire planet at the same time?" "yes" Echidna does just that. "this can't be right" "what's it say" "the blood alcohol level of everyone on earth is a collective zero" "that is certainly an interesting result" "the result of broken instruments, clearly" "that is a possibility" "jakey, please take michelle home; she's had a bit too much to not drink" "on it" Jakey walks over to Michelle, who is woozy from a lack of blood alcohol. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

March 016: The Results Are In [Echidna]
"hey echidna who's this" "this is libella, the demoness of libations" "oh hi" "hi" "she was just telling me about my faulty instruments" "uh no i wasn't; your instruments are in perfect working order" "what." "not a single drop of alcohol was consumed on march 015, presumably in anticipation of st. patrick's day" "my blood is boiling" "why? was there a certain reason you wanted people to drink yesterday?" Echidna's eye begins to twitch. "um, goodbye everybody; nice meeting you mr former king of hell" "oh same" Libella beats a swift retreat, and Jakey follows, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Libella missions]

March 017: A Day for Celebration [Libella]
"hey jakey niche of you to join the party" "i wouldn't missh a sht. patrick'sh day for the world" "it ish truly the greatesht of our holidaysh" Jakey and Libella tink their glasses together in celebration as they celebrate the best holiday of the year thus far. Michelle also lets herself in on the tinking. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

March 017: Another Day for Celebration [Libella]
"hey libella do you notiche anything shtrange" "it appearsh to be sht. patrick'sh day again" "oh y-yeah thish wash a bad thing i heard about shomewhere shometime" "right shome kind of fandangled sht. patrick'sh day that i wash shupposhed to prevent" "right let'sh get going and fixh thish bad thing" "yesh" Jakey and Libella stumble into eachother and fall onto the floor. Michelle stumbles in, wanting to be taken home, but falls to the floor as well.
[this space intentionally left blank]

March 017: The Forgotten Period [Lilith]
As everyone inhabiting the other nations of the world is passed out drunker than a skunk, ready to die of alcohol poisoning tomorrow, Gomorrah's anti-St. Patrick's Day policies have made Lilith the only sober person left this day. It falls on her shoulders and her shoulders alone to save the world, for if there is no world, there is nothing to rule over. Lilith pores over her quantum holiday physics tomes, and learns that the St. Patrick's Days have been entangled, causing severe liver damage to everyone else. The tomes say that the easiest way to end an entangled holiday is to kill the person who entangled it in the first place. She realises quickly that there's only one person in the world who hates St. Patrick enough to have violated his holiday so cruelly. Lilith teleports herself to the dwelling of her target. "echidna, what's the big idea" "everyone worships this st. patrick guy despite his awful treatment of snakes, and i organised my own drinking holiday but no one showed up" "so you're going to kill everyone else on earth" "pretty much; i'm tired of non-snake lifeforms polluting the world" "uh-huh" "and by rules of succession, if i murder every world leader, i will rule every country" "makes sense" "so have at you lilith; let this be the final battle as you defend your precious non-snake lifeforms" "never thought i'd be the savior of mankind but whatever" Lilith flicks her wrist, lighting Echidna on fire. "SHIT I FORGOT YOU COULD DO THAT" "how could you forget that?! it's my one power" "I WILL RETURN AND HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" Echidna melts down to nothing, only to return again in March of 2031. Lilith looks at the calendar, March 018 and beyond returned to its pages. "glad that's over"
[this space intentionally left blank]

March 018: The Nightmare Is Over [Libella]
"ow my head" "what happened" "i remember it was st. patrick's day" "right but what about before that" "it was also st. patrick's day" "oh shit right; someone entangled the st. patrick's days and i was supposed to stop it" "if you didn't stop it, who did?" "maybe it was dionysus" "yeah that guy's cool" Just then, a puff of smoke appears in the corner of the room. "dionysus? seriously? that guy was drunk off his ass just like you two lumps" "oh hey lilith can you keep it down a bit" "while everyone else was passed out drunk, my anti-st. patrick's day policies rendered me shockingly sober and able to end the entangled st. patrick's day dilemma for you; you're welcome" "yeah yeah whatever; i'm going to go lie down for a month or two or three" "why is there no demoness of sobriety when we need one" Michelle sits up, rubbing her temples. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

March 019: The New World Order [Lilith]
"hey lilith um thanks for saving the world or whatever" "no need to thank me; my approval rating has skyrocketed since i killed echidna" "wait, echidna's dead?" "um yes; that happens when you unentangle the st. patrick's days; regardless, everyone loves me now so i am going to use this opportunity to increase my approval rating further by genociding all the snakes, with full support of the world's governments and even st. patrick himself" "wow nice" "i'll say; i should be done by september sometime" "convenient" "i'll say" "well i will leave you to it" "can you watch my goblins while i'm gone? they are depressed due to being completely sober on st. patrick's day three times in a row" "my goblin-sitting license was revoked after the events of november of 2026" "okay you can't just say that and not give any details" "the canadian government has placed a gag order on all documents and testimonies relating to the events of november of 2026" "i'll just sneak into the archives then" "don't you have snakes to be genociding?" "RIGHT" Lilith turns and heads to St. Patrick's car. Jakey turns and heads to Michelle's car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]