A Thing (2013)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
"wake up fag" A man with a pretty funny (but not too funny) moustache hits Jakey in the head with a plank of wood. "hey that hurts" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds filthy canadian pig" "NEVER" Chuck breaks the wooden plank over Jakey's head. "hey quit it" "no" "fuck" A man wearing nothing but a t-shirt that says "Ron Paul 2012" and his trademark cowboy hat swings from a rope and kicks Chuck in the head. "ow quit it" "no" "fuck" The man backflips off the rope, landing on two guards. "oh hey sheriff antony what's up" "oh you know" Sheriff Antony pulls his twin revolvers out from under his "Ron Paul 2012" t-shirt. Sheriff Antony fires at Chuck, who dives beneath a desk and grabs his Desert Eagle. "hey check this out" Chuck fires a bullet at a pipe. The bullet bounces off and hits Sheriff Antony right in his autographed "Ron Paul 2012" t-shirt. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER" Two guards emerge from doors on either side of the boat. Jakey lifts up the chair he's tied to, and headbutts the guard on the right into the wall, causing his knife to dislodge from its holster, cutting the rope on Jakey's right hand. Jakey grabs the guard's falling M4 and points it at the desk Chuck is hiding behind. Meanwhile, Sheriff Antony backflips over the guard on the left, and grabs his neck in the crook of his arm. Chuck sweats. "hey i have an idea" Chuck chucks his gun at the ceiling, hitting a secret button, which opens a trap door underneath him. Chuck giggles with delight as he falls down the shaft to his personal speedboat. "welp" "i will have my revenge" Sheriff Antony looks down at the bullet hole in his autographed "Ron Paul 2012" t-shirt. "it's only a matter of time" Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the top of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Michelle Industries paycheck ($385/week)/Alabama safehouse/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Shine on You! Crazy Diamond [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey the diamonds are not safe" "old" Sheriff Antony drops The Diamonds down on the table. "i want you to take the diamonds to professor eif down at alabama university so he can do science on them" "anything for science" Jakey hops into his Super GT, and notices some vandals spraypainting "alabama: the land of the free and the home of the GAY" on the side of his house. "OH FUCK NO" Jakey rams his Super GT into the wall, killing the vandals instantly. Jakey hops out of the Super GT, and runs next door to Spraypaintz Я Us. "hello" Taylor stands at the counter, chewing a fossilised stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "i'd like some paint remover" "that will be 50000000 alabama fun bux" "just a second" Jakey runs into his house and grabs his piggy bank. "welp" Jakey puts the piggy bank on a pedestal, which moves the wall behind it to reveal a retinal scanner. Jakey opens his closet and removes Fred from his closet, putting his face up to the retinal scanner. Jakey throws Fred back into the closet as the bookcase turns to reveal a hidden passage. The closet door closes on Fred, and Jakey dives into the secret passage before it closes. Jakey walks up to his safe and enters the combination hidden on the bottom of the flowerpot, piggy bank pedastal, and the treasure chest that can only be opened by finding the three Crystal Bears hidden around the house behind deadly traps. The safe opens, revealing 49,999,999 Alabama Fun Bux. "FUCK" Jakey runs to his couch and checks his cushions, finding a quarter of one Alabama Fun Bux note. Jakey runs to the vandals and finds another quarter of one Alabama Fun Bux note on each of the three vandals. "life is okay sometimes" Jakey rushes back into the store and gives Taylor all 50,000,000 Alabama Fun Bux. Taylor hands Jakey the can of paint remover, and Jakey runs outside and attempts to remove the graffiti from the wall. However, he only has enough paint remover to remove the word "GAY". Thinking quickly, Jakey grabs a vandal's can of paint and alters the message to say "alabama: the land of the free and the home of the pretty okay sometimes". Satisfied, Jakey hops back into his car and drives to Alabama University. "oh hey jakey what's up" "sheriff antony sent me to give you the diamonds" "give me the diamonds" "NEVER" "..." "sorry reflex" Jakey gives The Diamonds to Professor Eif. "i have come up with an invention that is pretty okay and will not backfire ever especially not in mission 096" Professor Eif uses his shrink ray on The Diamonds and injects them into Jakey's bloodstream. "wait what" "YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE" "what" Professor Eif grabs Jakey's shoulders and shakes him. "YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE FAG" "fuck" Michelle cuts open a vein in Jakey's hand and emerges from his bloodstream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crystal Bears t-shirt/Trident sugar-free chewing gum t-shirt/Alabama University safehouse/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 002: Poor Dental Hygiene [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey what are you doing here you're supposed to be at professor eif's class studying" "i did that already" "oh then let me tell you a story" "FUCK YES STORY TIME" Jakey grabs a chair and tosses it in the air. The chair rotates twice before landing perfectly on its legs, facing Sheriff Antony. "okay so this one time, at band cam-" A loud crash is heard. Sheriff Antony flips over the back of his chair and pulls out his twin revolvers. Jakey rolls out of his chair and crouches behind Sheriff Antony with his M4 drawn. Sheriff Antony spots a brick with a note attached to it. He carefully picks up the brick and reads the note, which says "oh hey sheriff antony here's that brick you let me borrow thanks dude - deputy orange". "ORANGE" "GODDAMMIT ORANGE" "oh yeah i borrowed this toothpaste from him last week could you deliver it to him" "sure" Jakey grabs the industrial-sized tube of toothpaste and loads it into his truck. "have fun" Sheriff Antony winks and gives Jakey the pistol fingers. Jakey shudders. Jakey drives the truck onto the highway, the quickest way to Deputy Orange's house, but is attacked by Charles' Bandits! "GIVE US THE TOOTHPASTE AND NOBODY GETS HURT" "NEVER" Jakey swerves a hard right, crashing through the concrete wall and landing on the roof of the record company, Hitz Я Us. Jakey ramps off of Hitz Я Us's air conditioning unit and crashes into Deputy Orange's house. "hello" "hello" "oh hey you brought back my toothpaste; thanks" "oh it wasn't that big a deal" "okay" "GUYS SERIOUSLY GIVE US THE TOOTHPASTE" Charles crashes his truck through the wall next to Jakey's truck. Jakey spins around and grabs Deputy Orange, using him as a human shield. "I'LL KILL HIM IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OR SOMETHING" Charles sweats. "fuck" Charles backs out of Deputy Orange's house, annoyed. "gee thanks jakey that was swell thinking dog" "okay" Michelle falls down the chimney, covered in soot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 003: The Ballad of Sheriff Antony [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey good we need to talk" "about what sheriff antony" Sheriff Antony gives a nervous smile. "i need someone to protect me while i promote my new album, sheriff antony and the criminal scum tackle the serious issues" "sounds gay" "i agree" Sheriff Antony sweats. "yo dog i will pay you in cold" Sheriff Antony leans in closer. "HARD" Sheriff Antony licks his lips. "cash" Jakey attempts to back away, but realises that his back is to a wall. "um fine okay i'll do it" "thanks" Jakey takes out his M4, but Sheriff Antony shakes his head. "you can't use guns because the loud noise will interrupt my song" "fuck" "use this" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey a novelty boxing glove. "also my driver called in; he has cancer" "fuck" Jakey hops in the driver's seat of Sheriff Antony's limo. Jakey pulls out of the driveway, but is stuck behind a slow-moving truck filled with oranges. "ORANGE" "what what is it" Jakey sweats. "n-nothing" "but y-" "I WAS THANKING ORANGE FOR GIVING US SUCH IDEAL DRIVING CONDITIONS" Jakey attempts to casually ram the shit out of the orange truck without alerting Sheriff Antony. Eventually, enough oranges fall out of the truck so that it can move at a decent speed. "life is okay sometimes" "you said it sheriff antony" The two get to the Alabama Regional Stadium Entrance and have to sneak past armed fans of Sheriff Antony. "if they spot us they will kill us and stuff us and display us in their den" "not on my watch" "no in their den; weren't you listening" Jakey picks up Sheriff Antony and chucks him into a dumpster. "it smells like avail in here" "QUIET THIS IS A LIBRARY" The librarian puts her fingers up to her lips and gives Sheriff Antony a stern look. Jakey sneaks back onto the street and steals a garbage truck. Jakey uses it to empty the dumpster into the back, then Jakey drives the garbage truck out back of the building, where he hits a ramp and lands on the roof. Jakey dumps all the garbage out of the truck and sneaks with Sheriff Antony into an open air vent. They drop out over Sheriff Antony's dressing room, and Sheriff Antony hops onstage. Jakey then defends Sheriff Antony from reporters and fans with his novelty boxing glove. Sheriff Antony finishes his song, "Healthcare: A Mega-Grody Tool of the Devil Himself", and hops back into his dressing room. The two then go back up the vent and take the garbage truck back to Sheriff Antony's house. "hey thanks bro" Sheriff Antony reaches into his pocket and fishes out a nice 2.5 Alabama Fun Bux note. "keep the change" Sheriff Antony winks. "oh fuck yeah!!!" Michelle crawls out of the back of the garbage truck with a banana peel on her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$2.50/novelty boxing glove/novelty boxing glove and garbage truck spawn at Sheriff Antony's house]

Mission 004: Going for the Gold [Professor Eif]
"bad news everyone" "tell me the bad news" "no" "come on man don't be lame" "oh okay" Professor Eif looks deeply into Jakey's eyes, a single tear streaming down his face. "the sportsball team i coach has been denied entrance into the alabama national athletics league" "THOSE BASTARDS" "yeah" Professor Eif picks up a picture of him and his sportsball team, another single tear slowly working its way down his left cheek. "sigh" Jakey spots a freshly-polished display case in the corner of Professor Eif's lab. "i guess it's nothing but a pointless fantasy now" Jakey nods. "i agree" Professor Eif sits down in the corner of his room, depressed. Jakey quietly exits the room and heads for the headquarters of the Alabama National Athletics League. "hey guys why didn't you accept professor eif's sportsball team" "it was the decision of our leader, the prince of wales" "i see" Jakey sweats. "LOOK OVER THERE" The Alabama National Athletics League chairmen look away while Jakey ducks into a vent. Jakey crawls to The Prince of Wales' office, where he sees The Prince of Wales having tea with The Prince of Nigeria. "so you're telling me that i can get 1000000000 alabama fun bux if i give you my bank account details?!" "yeah" "SOLD" The Prince of Wales scribbles down his bank account details. "thank you sir we will get back to you eventually" "sweet" The Prince of Nigeria saunters out of the room, and Jakey drops down from the ceiling and politely asks The Prince of Wales to reconsider. "your impassioned plead has led me to realise: i'm too old for this shit" The Prince of Wales sticks his "President of the Alabama National Athletics League" badge onto Jakey's shirt, then runs into the boardroom. "SEE YOU LATER CHUMPS" The Prince of Wales runs out of the building and into his Super GT and speeds off. "welp" "looks like jakey's our new president" "ALL HAIL PRESIDENT JAKEY" "um thanks bro" "now you get to choose the spirit and direction of the alabama national athletics league" "oh boy" "totally" "also i'm admitting professor eif's sportsball team entrance" "okay" "i'll be back in a minute" Jakey speeds off to Alabama University, where he finds Eif curled up into a ball in the corner. "hey i became president of the alabama national athletics league and admitted your sportsball team entrance" "oh" Eif stands up immediately and brushes himself off. "that's cool" The Prince of Wales drives by the lab and throws Michelle out of his Super GT. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/A.N.A.L. t-shirt/A.N.A.L. President badge/A.N.A.L. safehouse/A.N.A.L. paycheck each week ($1,540/week)/A.N.A.L. missions]

Mission 005: Settling for the Silver [Professor Eif]
"good news everyone" "tell me the good news" "no" "come on man don't be a homosexual" "oh okay" Professor Eif lifts the curtain off of his window. "i have invented a window that cannot have streaks when it is cleaned" "oh" Jakey sweats. "wow?" "i predict that this invention will boost team morale by 800%!!!" "um" Jakey perspires. "wow?" "i need you to defend my office while i head to the patent office" "um okay dude" Professor Eif saunters over to his moped and scoots off, whistling badly. Jakey pulls up a chair and sits behind the window, waiting for Professor Eif to get back. A noise is heard in the vents. Jakey rolls out of his chair and fires his M4 wildly at the vents. "ow quit it" Sheriff Antony drops down from the vents. "oh hey" "jakey i heard professor eif has made a window that cannot have streaks when cleaned" "yeah" "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE THAT COULD HELP" "seventeen, the regulation number of players on a sportsball team" Sheriff Antony slaps Jakey. "NO IT COULD HELP ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO EXIST" "oh" Jakey sweats. "that was my next guess" "JAKEY FOCUS" Just then, a team of highly-trained Sportsball players surrounds the building. "GIVE UP THE WINDOW AND NOBODY GETS HURT" Another Sportsball player whispers something into the head Sportsball player's ear. "EXCEPT FOR PROFESSOR EIF, WHO WILL GET HURT EMOTIONALLY" The second Sportsball player nods. "NEVER" Jakey punches a hole in the wall. "OW FUCK WHY DID I DO THAT" Jakey quickly runs to the nurse's office to get his hand bandaged up before the Sportsball players can capture the window. "there all better" "thanks nurse" Jakey waves as he runs back to Professor Eif's office. "OKAY" Jakey pulls out his M4 and aims it through the hole he punched in the wall. Jakey takes out all 153 Sportsball players, leaving the window intact. Just then, Professor Eif pulls up in his moped. "I GOT THE PATENT" "fuck" Professor Eif walks through the rubble into his lab. "i love what you guys did with the place" "so professor eif you're not going to use your windows to help the world" "nope" Sheriff Antony grabs Professor Eif's shoulders. "fuck you" Sheriff Antony lowers his head. "no, seriously, fuck you" Sheriff Antony kicks a streak-free window, breaking his toe. "ow fuck" Sheriff Antony hops to the school nurse's office. Michelle falls out of the air vent on the ceiling. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hand bandages/The Motherfuckers t-shirt]

Mission 006: Begging for the Bronze [Professor Eif]
"bad news everyone" "tell me the bad news" "okay" Professor Eif leans in closer to Jakey. "my son FUCKING SUCKS at sportsball" "then kick him off the team" "I CAN'T" Professor Eif drops to his knees, a single tear streaming down his left cheek. "okay" "you have to do it" "wat" "come on you're the president of the alabama national athletics league" "sigh" Jakey walks over to Kenneth Lewis and stabs him with a syringe. "what the fuck man" "i'm president jakey of the alabama national athletics league" "oh hey" "hey" Jakey flicks the syringe filled with Kenneth Lewis's blood. "dude look at all of these DRUGS in here" "what" "LOOK AT THEM" "oh man" "it's okay you're only fired from sportsball forever" "actually i've always wanted to be a dj so it all works out" "oh good" "good" "wanna help me find a radio station to stage a" Kenneth Lewis takes out his AK-47 and checks the chamber for bullets. "hostile takeover" "FUCK YES" Kenneth Lewis and Jakey hop into Kenneth Lewis's DJ van, and drive to WOMF (101.4 - The Omlette Factory), and shoot everyone in the place. "NOW IT IS MY RADIO STATION" "no it's mine dog" DJ Fww takes out a rolling pin. "COME GET ME MOTHERFUCKER" "okay" Kenneth Lewis charges at DJ Fww, headbutting him, then puts his gun to DJ Fww's face. "give up yet" "um sure" Kenneth Lewis takes down the plaque on the building and replaces it with one that says "WOMF (101.4) - The Motherfucker". Michelle then emerges from her cocoon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Motherfuckers jacket/Kenneth's DJ van spawns outside WOMF building/Kenneth Lewis missions]

Mission 007: Crazy; Crazy for Sellin' These Cars [Deputy Orange]
"jakey there are criminals and we must kill them all" "okay" Deputy Orange hops into his car and it immediately falls apart. "fuck" "welp" "okay new plan" Deputy Orange unfolds a small piece of paper. "here is an ad and a map to a used car store; get me one" Deputy Orange gives Jakey 5,000 Alabama Fun Bux. Jakey hops into his Super GT and races off to Crazy Svart's Used Autos. "HEY HEY HEY I'M CAR-AZY SVART" "okay" "SEE WHAT I DID THERE; 'CAR-AZY'" "yeah" "oh" Crazy Svart sweats. "so what are you looking for today" "a car" "oh we don't have any of those" "cool" "what's your budget looking like" "i have 5000 alabama fun bux" "oh" Crazy Svart puts his hand on his chin and begins thinking intently. "i don't have anything in that price range" "fuck" Jakey begins to walk off dejectedly. "BUT" Jakey races back in front of Crazy Svart. "if you do a small job for me i will give you a car for free dog" "!" Jakey does a backflip. "my daughter is having her wedding today but i can't take off work" "okay" "so i would like you to postpone the wedding by any means necessary" Jakey pumps his fist. "if there's one thing i'm good at, it's 'any means necessary'" "also don't kill anyone at the wedding" "you don't know what 'any means necessary' means do you" "i guess not" Jakey hops into his Super GT and races to the chruch. "hello can i see your invitation" "no" "oh" The bouncer sweats. "then i'm afraid i can't let you in" "fuck" Jakey sits down on the trunk of his Super GT. "NOW what do i do" Jakey hops into his Super GT and heads to Professor Eif's lab. "yo professor eif do you have a time machine" "yes" "can i use it" "sure" "cool" Jakey steps into the time machine, and goes back to 1975. "hey look it's the bouncer's mother" "hello" "hello" Jakey shoves the bouncer's mother over and kills her execution-style. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" Jakey hops back into his time machine and warps back to 2013, then drives back to the church, and enters unhindered. "STOP THE WEDDING BRO" "okay" Everyone leaves the church. "gee" Jakey drives back to Crazy Svart. "i did it bro" "okay" Crazy Svart hands Jakey the keys to a windowless van. "this will be perfect for deputy orange!!!" "great" Jakey drives the windowless van back to Deputy Orange. "thanks bro" Michelle hops out of the back of the windowless van, eating candy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$5,000/windowless van spawns outside Deputy Orange's house/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 008: Mo' Debt Mo' Problems [Deputy Orange]
"hey jakey i just made a nice casserole a-" Deputy Orange stops dead in his tracks. "I FORGOT TO RETURN SHERIFF ANTONY'S BRICK" "but you returned that last week" "WHAT" Deputy Orange falls to the floor. "JAKEY YOU HAVE TO GIVE THIS BACK TO SHERIFF ANTONY LAST WEEK" "what" Deputy Orange ties a note to The Brick that says "oh hey sheriff antony here's that brick you let me borrow thanks dude - deputy orange". "RETURN IT TO HIM LAST WEEK JAKEY" "what" "use a time machine or something" "but time machines don't exist" "MAKE ONE" Deputy Orange has a heartattack while Jakey puts fruit into a colinder, when a flash of light appears to the East. "JAKEY WE HAVE TO GET THAT BRICK BACK TO SHERIFF ANTONY THE FATE OF THE WORLD DEPENDS ON IT" "I AM SO CONFUSED" Jakey grabs the brick and heads into the time machine with Tony. "OKAY WE'RE HERE GO GO GO" Tony chucks Jakey into the street. Jakey runs to Sheriff Antony's house, which is surrounded by clones of Robert Truckdriver. "Give Us The Brick And Nobody Gets Hurt" "NEVER" "Then We Are Sorry, Jakey" The Robert Truckdriver clones all draw handguns and take aim at Jakey. Jakey ducks behind a car just as the Robert Truckdriver clones fire. "Damn, We Knew We Should Have Brought More Than One Bullet" Jakey dives out from under the car, and slides behind the Robert Truckdriver clones. Robert Truckdriver 5 grabs Jakey from behind, causing him to drop The Brick. Jakey kicks The Brick through Sheriff Antony's window. "ow fuck" "Noooooooooooooooo" "yessssss" "Jakey You Have Foiled Our Plans For The Last Time" Robert Truckdriver 5 grabs Jakey's neck. Jakey punches Robert Truckdriver 5 in the leg, causing him to drop Jakey and clutch his knee. "How Did You Know That I Underwent Major Knee Surgery Last Week" "call it a... hunch" Jakey runs and dives into the time machine. "Drat, Foiled Again" "I Can't Believe That He Made Our Previous Statement About Him Having Foiled Our Plans For The Last Time A Lie" "You Said It, Robert Truckdriver" "welp we saved the world" "thanks tony" "well goodbye forever" "fuck" Jakey enters Deputy Orange's house to find a note that reads "brbr hospital". Tony throws Michelle out of his time machine and warps off. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Robert Truckdriver Action Figure Collection Appears At Safehouses]

Mission 009: X Marks the Spot [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"hello president jakey we have a lot of paperwork t-" "NOPE" Jakey hops into his chair and puts his feet up on the table. "but you're the president o-" "AND YOU'RE FIRED" Jakey presses a button, dropping all of the chairmen of the Alabama National Athletics League into the nightmare zone. Jakey presses the button on the intercom. "kathy send in my new staff" "yes sir" Twelve burly men with beards enter the Alabama National Athletics League boardroom. "arrrrgh ye be ringin' cap'n jakey" "yes, sit down, gentlemen" "arrrrrrrgh" The twelve men sit down in their chairs. "so as you know, the alabama national athletics league is in a bit of a bind" "arrrrrgh i be suggestin' gettin' some treasure, matey" "that is a great idea, magentabeard; do any of you know where to find treasure" "arrrrrgh; i be stashin' a bit o' me treasure in mojavistan, for safe-keepin'" "well come on, magentabeard; let's go" "arrrgh" Jakey presses the button on his intercom. "kathy hold my calls" "i'd rather not" Jakey and Magentabeard hop into Magentabeard's sedan and drive to Mojavistan. "so where is it, magentabeard" "arrrrrgh i be makin' a map for just such an occasion, matey" Magentabeard unfolds his map. "arrrrrgh, it be twelve paces east past the cavern o' incredible pain, then ten paces north past the starbucks, then fifteen paces east past this large coffee stain cap'n" "sounds good" The two get out of the car, and head for the Cavern of Incredible Pain. "HALT" A man with a spear stops Jakey and Magentabeard. "one cannot simply walk PAST the cavern of incredible pain" "but w-" "NO YOU MUST VISIT THE CAVERN OF INCREDIBLE PAIN GIFTSHOP" "fuck" "arrrgh" The three walk into the Cavern of Incredible Pain, the hot steam searing their flesh; the narrow spaces and sharp rocks cutting into their flesh. "arrrgh this be suckin' matey" "you said it, magentabeard" "WE'RE HERE" The spear guy stops and opens his arms wide. "can we go now" "NO YOU MUST BUY SOUVENIRS" "fuck" The two buy shitloads of knick-knacks and t-shirts and whatnot, then leave forever. "ugh" "arrrrrrrgh at least it can't be gettin' an-" "HALT" "WHAT NOW" "have a nice day dude" Spear guy waves. "fuck my life" The two finally reach starbucks. "man i'm thirsty" "let us be headin' in matey" "hello welcome to starbucks what can i get you" "i'd like a large lukewarm chocolate" "ye be makin' that two or ye be walkin' the plank matey" "LARGE?!" The man at the counter looks at Jakey and Magentabeard quizically. "WHAT IS 'LARGE'" "the size that is bigger than medium" "'MEDIUM'?!" While the man tries to make sense of Jakey's gibberish, Magentabeard steals all of the lukewarm chocolate. The two head for the large coffee stain, only to find that it's been cleaned up. "shit" "arrrrrrgh ye be lookin' o'er yonder because there be the x" "sweet let's dig" "..." Magentabeard sweats. "arrrrrgh i be forgettin' the shovels matey" "FUCK" Jakey throws himself to the ground and digs with his Cavern of Incredible Pain trowel for hours until he hits the chest. "ARRRRRRRRGH BE OPENIN' IT CAP'N" Magentabeard hops up and down, flicking his wrists back and forth, excited. Jakey pries open the chest with his Cavern of Incredible Pain crowbar. "oh fuck look at all these gold doubloons" "arrrrrrgh we be rich cap'n" "actually" Jakey takes out his Cavern of Incredible Pain calcuator. "adjusted for inflation, all we made is seven alabama fun bux" "arrrrrgh but that still be fifty kajillion american dollars matey" "well sure" "arrrrgh and we only be in debt for five alabama fun bux cap'n" "FUCK YES" Jakey and Magentabeard haul the giant chest back to Alabama. "arrrrrrrgh i be takin' this to the vault for safe-keepin'" "good idea" Michelle hops out of Magentabeard's Cavern of Incredible Pain coffin. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$2/Cavern of Incredible Pain t-shirt/Cavern of Incredible Pain hat/Cavern of Incredible Pain crowbar spawns at safehouses]

Mission 010: I Knew I Was Forgetting Something [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"hello everyone" "arrrrrrrrrgh" "where's magentabeard" "arrrrrrrgh we not be havin' a clue cap'n" "arrrrrrrrrrgh i be over here" "magentabeard where are you" "arrrrrrrrrgh i be a ghost now cap'n" "wat" "arrrrrrrrgh i be forgettin' that i be cursin' the treasure cap'n" "then why am i not a ghost" Magentabeard shrugs. "magentabeard respond" "arrrrrrrrrgh i be forgettin' that ye not be seein' me; i be shruggin', cap'n" "oh" Jakey sweats. "who here has experience removing sailor curses" "arrrrrrrgh it be me cap'n" Cyanbeard rises from his chair. "okay men cyanbeard, magentabeard and i will head to wherever; hold down the fort" "arrrrrrrrgh AYE" Jakey presses the intercom button. "kathy hold my calls" "arrrrrrrgh" "..." "..." "don't do that" Kathy sighs. "fuck you" "so where are we going" "arrrrrgh all ye be havin' to do be to pass the three trials matey" "okay how do we do that" "arrrrrrgh magentabeard has to choose a friend then it be beginnin'" "well i have a lot of urgent captain business t-" "arrrrrrrgh i be choosin' cap'n jakey" "WHAT" Jakey and Magentabeard are warped to the Really Awkward First Date Dimension. "arrrrrrgh so what ye be doin' for work" "i'm your boss" "..." Magentabeard sweats. "arrrrrrgh this be awkward matey" "yeah" "arrrrrrrgh how we be gettin' out o' here matey" "i suppose we have to end the date" "arrrrrrrgh aye let us be doin' that" The two eat their food, and Magentabeard drives Jakey home. "arrrrrgh i be havin' a good time tonight matey" "i'll call you" "arrrrrrrgh ye be havin' a good night cap'n" "sure" Jakey and Magentabeard are warped to the Wearing the Same Outfit as Eachother Dimension. "arrrrrrrrrrgh matey ye be crampin' me style" "this is rather embarassing" "arrrrrgh how we be gettin' out o' this livin' hell" "we must split up and change" "arrrrrrrgh now that be a plan worthy o' a cap'n" The two split up and run home to change clothes, then regroup. "arrrrrrgh we still be wearin' the same outfit" "FUCK" "arrrrrrgh i be guessin' we be havin' to overcome this horrible fate matey" A single tear streams down Jakey's face as the two walk down the street wearing the same outfit. The two are then warped to the Walking in on the Other One Having Sex with Your Mother Dimension. "arrrrrrrgh jakey i be home" "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HELP" Magentabeard slams into the door to find Jakey trying desperately to get away from Magentabeard's mother. "arrrrrrgh what be wrong with me mother cap'n" "I DON'T LIKE MIXING BUSINESS AND PLEASURE ALSO SHE IS OLD AND HAS A BEARD HELP PLEASE" "arrrrrrgh i can't be hittin' me own mother cap'n" "IT'S JUST AN ILLUSION A REALLY GROSS ILLUSION HELP HELP" "arrrrrrgh" A single tear streams down Magentabeard's face as he tackles his own mother. "ARRRRRRRGH MAGENTABEARD I BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YE" "ARRRRRRRGH" The two are warped back to the Alabama National Athletics League boardroom. "NEVER AGAIN" "arrrrrrgh i concur" "NEXT TIME ANYONE GETS CURSED LEAVE ME OUT OF IT" "arrrrrrgh aye" Michelle walks in the room, wearing the same outfit as Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Three Trials t-shirt/Magentabeard outfit]

Mission 011: The Moonlit Wings Reflect the Stars That Guide Me Towards Salvation [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"captain jakey" "what is it kathy" "your predecesor, the prince of wales, gave all of our money to the prince of nigeria" "but we found that buried treasure so shouldn't i-" "NO" Kathy slams her books down on Jakey's desk. "OKAY GUYS I'M GOING TO NIGERIA AND I NEED SOMEONE TO COME WITH ME" "arrrrrrgh why ye not be takin' magentabeard cap'n" "we feel that we need some time apart" Ochrebeard turns back to his paperwork, embarassed. "arrrrrgh i be volunteerin' to be goin' with ye cap'n" "okay so ceruleanbeard and i are heading to nigeria; kathy hold those calls" "i won't but i will tell you that i did" Jakey and Ceruleanbeard hop into Ceruleanbeard's private jet and head towards Nigeria. "Sir, why are you heading to see the Prince of Nigeria?" "he owes me money" "Please get in line, sir." The royal guardsman gestures towards the "money reclaimation" line. "FUCK" "arrrrrrgh i can't be waitin' in line fer that long; i be havin' a wife and kid cap'n" "i have no intention of waiting in a line that would take a three-day hike to just get to the back of" "arrrrrrrrgh that be good news cap'n" Jakey and Ceruleanbeard hop into the back of a truck delivering various items from Parapheniliaz Я Us. "mister prince guy your items are here" "bring them in" Taylor backs the truck up into the palace, still chewing his stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "thanks" "don't mention it dude" Taylor dumps all of the items into the throne room and drives off. "PRINCE OF NIGERIA GIVE US ALL OUR MONEY BACK" "i'd rather not" "fuck" "arrrrrrgh this guy be good" "go on, prince of nigeria, with your fancy palace and all these" Jakey picks up a snowglobe. "items" Jakey tosses the snowglobe away, disgustedly. "but know that you will RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED JAKEY" "arrrrrrrgh and ye be ruein' it hard matey" "..." "..." "rue it hard? what the fuck" "arrrrrrrgh i just be addin' on to the dramatic thing ye did" "goddammit ceruleanbeard" Jakey throws up his arms and storms out of the palace. "arrrrgh i be sorry for ruinin' the dramatic moment cap'n" "i guess we have no choice; i originally wasn't going to make him rue it very hard (a 4 out of 10 for rueing at best), but you have forced my hand" Jakey heads to Cakez Я Us, where he finds Taylor chewing on a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hello i ordered a cake earlier and prepaid" "oh okay" Taylor grabs a cake off the shelf and gives it to Jakey. "happy birthday george" "thanks bro" Jakey takes the cake to the royal guard. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" "Oh, wow. How did you guys know that it was my birthday?" "female intuition" "arrrrrrgh but cap'n jakey ye not be a wench" "i didn't say it was my female intuition" "Thank you guys so much. This is the happiest day of my life." "aw shit bro are we having a party" "no, prince of nigeria, WE are having a party; YOU are not invited" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The Prince of Nigeria rues the day that he crossed Jakey. "fine have your money back" "thanks" The party goes on for a while, culminating in Jakey resting in a crashed limo, and wearing a lampshade on his head. Michelle stumbles out from the flaming wreckage of the Prince of Nigeria's palace, casually tucking her shirt back in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lampshade hat/Nigeria t-shirt/captain's hat]

Mission 012: Give Me a Break [Kenneth Lewis]
"jakey my radio thing isn't doing well" "well to be fair it IS 2013" "sure but" Kenneth Lewis looks to the ceiling. "the radio format is great!!!" "not really" "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck" Kenneth Lewis sweats. "hey could you advertise for me" "sure it's not like i'm the captain of a national sports league or anything" "great!!!" Kenneth Lewis hands Jakey a billboard he drew up. "sigh" Jakey trudges out of WOMF and puts his billboard into the back of Kenneth Lewis' DJ van. Jakey drives the DJ van off of a ramp, causing the billboard to fly out and adhere itself over another billboard. "Hey That Was Our Billboard" "OH FUCK" The DJ van tumbles over, and Jakey crawls out of it. "Please Take Down Your Billboard So That Ours Can Be There" Jakey sweats. "Come On, We Totally Paid For The Advertising Space" Jakey sweats. "the city totally gave me permission" "What" "Then We Must Take Our Fight To City Hall" The Robert Truckdriver symbol flashes on-screen, and Jakey and the Robert Truckdriver clones appear inside the courthouse. "your billboard recieved so many complaints" "How Could Anyone Complain About Such An Important Advertisement" King Bran shuffles through his papers. "it appears that your advertisement consisted of you, licking your lips, winking, and demanding to be given the brick" "We Figured That Appearing To Be Friendly Would Aid Our Cause" "either way, kenneth lewis owns the space now" "Fuck" "Let Us Create A New Advertisement" "It Should Consist Of The Words 'Give Us The Brick' In Eight Different Fonts and Spacing Variations" "The Primary Market Shall Be Dragonforce Fans" "You Said It, Robert Truckdriver" Jakey quickly notices one of the Robert Truckdrivers limping. "hey bro you should get that knee checked out" "It Has Been Bothering Me For A While" Robert Truckdriver 5 ponders for a moment. "Thank You For The Advice, Stranger" "don't mention it" Jakey waves to the Robert Truckdriver clones as they drive off, and Robert Truckdriver schedules an appointment for knee surgery. Michelle falls off the top of their van. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/clock t-shirt/vague sense of relief]

Mission 013: Stiff Competition [Crazy Svart]
"jakey it's the worst thing" "i doubt it" "THEY ARE OPENING A USED CARZ Я US ACROSS THE STREET" "okay i rescind my earlier comment" "thanks" Crazy Svart rummages through the trunk of one of his cars. "take this" "A BOMB" "yeah" "what do i do with this thing" "blow up used carz Я us of course!!!" "oh" Jakey sweats. "okay" Jakey runs across the street to Used Carz Я Us and takes a look at his bomb. "um well" Sweat begins to pour down Jakey's face. "i need an expert" Jakey runs next door, to Peter Stillman's house. "hey what's up peter stillman" "oh hey jakey i was just hobbling around my apartment because i am totally crippled" "totally" Jakey coughs. "so um i have this bomb a-" "NO NEVER NOPE" Peter Stillman turns his back to Jakey and crosses his arms. "but you're the foremost expert on bombs!!!" "you don't understand" The lights shut off, and Peter Stillman turns around to a swell in the music. "I KILLED MY SOUL WITH BOMBS" A bolt of lightning strikes behind Peter Stillman, thunder crackling dramatically. "..." "MY SOUL" "but-" "MY SOUL, JAKEY" "a soul is an intangi-" "MY SOUL IS DEAD BECAUSE I KILLED IT WITH BOMBS, JAKEY" Jakey sweats. "but-" "NO" Peter Stillman slams the door on Jakey's face. "guess i'll have to wing it" Jakey heads to Used Carz Я Us and plants the bomb on a support column. "how does this work" Jakey takes out a lighter and lights the bomb on fire. "that should do nicely" Jakey runs off giggling, and Used Carz Я Us is destroyed in the explosion. "nice job jakey you have a bright future here at crazy svart's used autos" Crazy Svart pins a badge to Jakey's chest. "junior vice president" "FUCK YES" Michelle stumbles out of the wreckage of Used Carz Я Us, skin and hair completely black with soot, coughing uncontrollably. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart's Used Autos paycheck ($770/week)/Crazy Svart's Used Autos uniform]

Mission 014: Arrival in Hell [Crazy Svart]
"JAKEY WE ARE EXPANDING OUR BUSINESS" "oh boy to where" "hell itself" A bolt of lightning strikes behind Crazy Svart, thunder crackling dramatically. "how do we get to hell itself" "the subway of course" Crazy Svart and Jakey crawl into the sewers and hop on the subway train, where deligates from Used Carz Я Us are waiting to get an audience with Satan. Jakey and Crazy Svart kill them all, arriving in Hell soon after. "hey what's up dude" "we're here to see satan" "oh of course" Kathy opens the door to the office. "kathy why are you here" "the benefits here are to die for" Kathy winks, for she took this job hoping that someone she knew would get to hear her terrible joke. "i don't get it" Jakey and Crazy Svart enter the office. "hey satan what's up" "oh crazy svart do you have the documents" "yes" "and who is this" "my junior vice president of course" "oh right" Satan leads the way to his office. Satan sits down behind his desk, and puts on his reading glasses. Crazy Svart and Jakey sit across from him. "so, as you know, hell has pretty hefty taxes" "yes but we'd be losing money if we DIDN'T sell to the denizens of hell" "lest those cunts at used carz Я us get here first" "sign here, both of you" "okay" "okay" The two sign, giving them exclusive rights to sell used automobiles in Hell for the reasonable price of 85% of their profits. "thank you both; i'm sure this will be a wonderful partnership" "you said it, satan" "but of course, we have to send this document to len, the president of hell, before anything is confirmed" Satan faxes the contract to Len, who sends it back with a big "FUCK YES" stamped on it. "welp" "welp" "bye satan" "see you soon" "jakey you're getting promoted" "oh boy" "you are now UNSTABLE JAKEY, president of the hell branch of crazy svart's used autos" "FUCK YES" Michelle casually walks out of Satan's office, buttoning her shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart's Used Autos raise ($1,155/week)/Satan Industries safehouse/Satan Industries uniform/Satan missions]

Mission 015: Shout at the Devil [Satan]
"hey what's up satan" "productivity is down 115%!!!" "that is a lot of percent" "i know" Satan coughs. "can you help me rile up my workers" "oh okay" Jakey walks out of Satan's office and grabs a soapbox. "hey dudes satan asked me to increase productivity so like can you do more work and stuff" "no" "what why not" "we don't have a coffee pot!!!" Jakey walks over and slaps Napoleon Bonaparte across the face. "COFFEE IS FOR QUITTERS" "i'm content being a quitter" "oh" Jakey sweats. "welp" "maybe we'd be more productive if we had team-building excersises" "that's a great idea, josef stalin" "no it isn't" "SHUT THE FUCK UP, LYNDON B. JOHNSON" "but jaaaaakeyyyy he's a communiiiiiiiistttttt" "meaning that he knows how to work as a unit; together forever" Lyndon B. Johnson sticks his tongue out at Josef Stalin, who replies with a swift middle finger. "jaaaaaakeyyyyyyyyyy josef stalin ju-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BUILD TEAMS FAG" Two teams are made; Josef Stalin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Alexander the Great, and Jefferson Davis make up the red team, while Lyndon B. Johnson, Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and King Henry VIII make up the blue team. Jakey gives everyone a gun. "jakey my gun is much smaller than adolf hitler's" "my gun is a novelty boxing glove" "I CAN ONLY HOLD ONE GUN OF EACH TYPE OKAY" "if we all kill eachother how will we increase work" "you're already dead!!!" "... oh" "also to make this fair, kathy will join the blue team and i will join the red team" "okay" Kathy pulls out her flintlock pistol. "..." "i borrowed this from mauvebeard" "oh okay" The ten hunt eachother down and shoot eachother out of play until just Jakey and Kathy are left. "jakey you cannot stand up to my awesome power" "you're right" Jakey steps out of cover and drops his gun. "wait what" Jakey pulls out a second gun and shoots Kathy in the chest. "ow" Kathy falls to the ground, bleeding. "... ohhhhhhh right" Jakey runs over to Kathy and rips the bullet out of her chest with his bare hands. "ow" Josef Stalin throws Jakey a bandage, and he puts it onto Kathy. "come on you'll be okay" "i doubt it" The staff nurse, Doctor Frankenstein, heals Kathy up. "wow thanks doctor frankenstein" "don't mention it" "okay" "kathy i'm like sorry and stuff" "isn't this where you're supposed to kiss me" "kathy you have been watching too many romantic comedies" "oh" Kathy sweats. "right" Kathy looks down at her "kisses: $5" sign glumly. Michelle casually walks out of Doctor Frankenstein's office, holding her socks and sandals. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/red team armband/vague relationship with Kathy]

Mission 016: Blue Christmas [Satan]
"hey satan what's with the suitcase" "i have to go visit my family" "ouch sounds rough" "would you like to come with me" "not really" "we're going to the north pole" Jakey grabs Satan's suitcase. "ALL RIGHT LET'S GO" Jakey and Satan board the train to the North Pole. "kathy hold my calls" "oh no i am not letting this happen" Kathy boards the train with Jakey and Satan. "what" "I AM NOT LETTING MY TWO BOSSES GO SEE SANTA WITHOUT ME" "who" "never heard of him" The train makes its stop at the North Pole. "hey satan what's up" Satan sighs. "hi santa" "i see you brought friends hi i'm santa" "SANTA I WANT A UNICORN" "oh god not you too" Satan mopes off to a tree and sits down to pout. "well, mister..." "jakey" "well jakey you have been a very good boy this year" "FUCK YES" "i'll see what i can do" "WOOH" Jakey runs around with his arms in the air. "santa can i have better health insurance coverage" "oh certainly, miss..." "kathy" "oh yeah kathy totally" "WOOH" Kathy runs around with her arms in the air. Santa takes Satan's suitcase and heads for the house. "come in when you're ready bros" "totally" "hey satan your brother is the coolest" A single tear streams down Satan's cheek. "I TRY AND I TRY TO IMPRESS PEOPLE" "..." "I HAVE A GREAT JOB, PRODUCTIVITY IS UP 36.592741% BUT NO, IT'S ALL ABOUT SANTA BECAUSE HE GIVES OUT TOYS" "and ponies" "and good health insurance coverage" "I GIVE PEOPLE CHEAP, AFFORDABLE HOUSING AND WHAT DO I GET" "tax-exempt status?" "a lexus?" "NOTHING except for those things" "come on it can't be that bad" "my parents hate healthcare; they say it's the devil's work" "..." "..." "but you are th-" "SHUT UP" "come on let's go inside" Kathy and Jakey lead Satan inside. "hello, satan" "parents" "how's giving people cheap housing" Satan's parents laugh. "productivity is up 36.592741%" "pfft, he can't even get 37%" "who are these people" "these are my friends, kathy and jakey" "oh my god look at that one" "a definite orphaned child if i've ever seen one" "hey" "and the other, pfft" "that skirt and those hips, don't make me laugh" "hey" "come on guys we're a family don't be such faggots" Santa gets everyone seated around the table and begins to cut the turkey. "i'm leaving" "me too" Satan's parents leave forever. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" "wooh" "yay" "jubulations" Jakey, Kathy, Satan, and Santa feast on turkey and such. Michelle walks out of Santa's workshop, holding a stuffed bear. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Christmas sweater/Michelle's stuffed bear appears at safehouses/Santa missions]

Mission 017: Feeding the Rich [Santa]
"hello what is your business with santa" "kathy why are you working for santa now" "the benefits are very cool" Kathy winks. "whatever; can i see santa he said we have business" "sure go on in" Jakey heads in to Santa's Workshop. "jakey good you're just in time" Santa beats on a table with a hammer. "tonight is my yearly performance review" "i thought you were self-employed" "pfft; you think one man can fund an operation this large" "i guess not" "so my superiors expect a nice meal and i have a master chef in mind" Santa hands Jakey a flier for the hit television show, Cooking with Chef Amiee :3. "give her this now go GO" Santa tosses Jakey a Chef Amiee :3 token, good for one free meal. "take my sleigh" "FUCK YES" Jakey hops into Santa's sleigh. "ON DONNER; ON BLITZEN; ON CONNOR; ON CUPID; ON THE REST WHOSE NAMES I DON'T REMEMBER" "but i'm the most famous reindeer of all!!!" "fuck off randolph" "no" "fuck" Jakey pulls up at the Food Network studios. "Excuse me, sir. Do you have a ticket?" "oh hey george" "Hello, sir. Despite the fact that we are friends, I still require a ticket for you to get into the studio." "i have this chef amiee :3 token" "That is not a ticket. Please come back when you have a ticket, sir." "fine" Jakey climbs a pipe beside the building and enters through a vent. "oh there's the show" Jakey drops down from the vent, landing square in an empty seat in the audience. "now does anyone here have a chef amiee :3 token" "OOH ME ME ME PICK ME" "yes you there, below the open vent" Jakey runs up to the stage. "here" Jakey hands Chef Amiee :3 the Chef Amiee :3 token. "when and where am i catering" "tonight, the north pole" Chef Amiee :3's eyes light up. "LET'S DO THIS, MOTHERFUCKER" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 high-five and run to the sleigh. "ON DONNE-" "ooh can i do it" "go ahead" "GO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS" The two ride to the North Pole. "hey santa i did it" "cool" "come on bro help me in the kitchen" "okay" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 head to the kitchen and make Chef Amiee :3's signature dish; Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Large Pile. Jakey serves the Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Large Pile. "oh fuck this is delicious" "i fucking love wicflatktialp" "same" "well santa; it appears you're running a great business" "and the wicflatktialp; to DIE for" "great job santa" The investor gives Santa a "GREAT JOB" sticker. "fuck yes" Michelle emerges from the Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Large Pile. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 018: Magical Mystery Tour [Santa]
"jakey it's christmas eve" "yes" Jakey takes in the humid July air. "my head elf called in sick; i need you to take his place" "okay" "just toss presents down chimneys and we'll be good" "okay" Jakey and Santa hop in the sleigh and take off. "WOAH" Kathy pulls herself up into the sleigh. "kathy what are you doing here" "santa told me to wash the sleigh" "that was six hours ago" "yes" "SANTA STOP WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF AMERICAN AIRSPACE" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE" "WE HAD NO INTENTION TO" The United States airforce dispatches fighter jets to intercept Santa. "JAKEY, KATHY; MAN THE TURRETS" "WHAT" "WHAT IS HAPPENING" "the united states kind of hates me after i got drunk and crashed a plane into the twin towers" Santa shrugs. "that's life" "that's what all the people say" "you're ridin' high in april, then shot down in may" Jakey and Kathy shoot down hundreds of United States fighter jets while Santa throws presents into chimneys. After all the presents are dropped, the three head home. "thanks guys that was totally worth a raise" "i don't work here" "you're hired" "WOOH" "also here's your unicorn" Jakey hops onto his unicorn. "I WILL NAME YOU FRAIBEL" "and here's your healthcare benefits" "WOOH" Kathy stubs her toe, then receives immediate medical treatment. "ahhhhhhhhh" Michelle hops out of Santa's present bag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Santa's Workshop paycheck ($960/week)/Christmas sweater/Fraibel spawns at Santa's Workshop stables]

Mission 019: Radical Mystery Tour [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey this is awful" Chef Amiee :3 bites her nails. "I HAVE A HEALTH INSPECTION TODAY" "but your food is healthy as FUCK" "yes but look around!!!" The walls begin to ooze green slime. "i hear green slime is great for your complexion" "true but it also gives people cancer" "small price to pay, i say" "I KNOW RIGHT" Chef Amiee :3 thinks for a moment. "also we don't have any plates" "what do people eat out of then" "a large trough" "efficient and economical" "I KNOW RIGHT" Chef Amiee :3 puts her face in her hands. "don't worry i know this guy who is amazing at interior design" "joy" Jakey walks outside and calls Satan. "satan i need your help bro" "what with" "chef amiee :3 is undergoing a health inspection and is hilariously under code" "say no more" Jakey uses the pentagram app on his phone and Satan appears. "let's goooooooooo" "hey chef amiee :3 i got him" "oh than-" Chef Amiee :3 looks at Satan, his red muscles gleaming by the light of the green slime. "WHAT" "it's cool, he's my buddy" "desperate times, i guess" "chef amiee :3 i am a huge fan" "um thanks" Satan begins building tables and plates out of the trough. "my trough!!!" "it's for the best" A single tear streams down Chef Amiee :3's face. "i guess... if there's no other way" The single tear hits green slime, causing the green slime to recede. "I HAVE A PLAN" Jakey grabs Chef Amiee :3 and holds her up to the wall. "YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU" "you are correct" Jakey sweats. "YOU WERE ADOPTED" "that is untrue; check my birth certificate" "IT WAS A SECRET ADOPTION" "then i'm flattered" Jakey sighs. "I WAS LYING ABOUT THAT LAST PART" "i figured" Jakey thinks long and hard. "THEY CANCELLED TWO AND A HALF MEN" "WHAT" Chef Amiee :3 unleashes a geyser of single tears on the wall, causing the green slime to recede and fear for its life. "chef amiee :3 it's okay they didn't really" "WHAT" Chef Amiee :3 punches Jakey in the face. "STOP PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS" "but you have so many of them" Chef Amiee :3 raises her fist, causing Jakey to recoil in fear. "guys i totally did it" Chef Amiee :3 looks around her restaurant. "how generic" Chef Amiee :3 sighs. "it's like we killed all the personality" "hey can i use your bathroom" "BATHROOM?!" "YOU'LL NEVER PASS A HEALTH INSPECTION WITHOUT A BATHROOM" "lightbulb" Jakey grabs a towtruck and heads to Deputy Orange's house. Jakey hooks up the winch to Deputy Orange's bathroom, and drives off, taking it for himself. Jakey heads back to the restaurant and installs the bathroom. "perfect" "meh" "THEY'RE HERE" "better go dudes" Satan warps back to Hell. "hello chef amiee :3 i trust everything is in order" "your trust is not misplaced" "okay" "where are your two employees" "my what" "employees; every restaurant needs two" "i am one of them now excuse me" Jakey takes out his phone and calls Kathy. "hey kathy i got you another job; you'll never have to pay for food again" "SOLD" Kathy casually teleports to the restaurant. "hello" "hello" "welp everything's in order have fun kids" "phew" "phew" "where's the food; i haven't eaten in weeks" Chef Amiee :3 whips up a batch of Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Large Pile on which the three feast. Michelle finally unhooks herself from the back of the towtruck. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chef Amiee :3's Food Place paycheck ($770/week)/hardhat/Satan missions]

Mission 020: Dishing it Out [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey it's horrible" "what is" "i am losing customers to the restaurant across the street, the food hall" "what do you propose" "it's funded by multi-millionaire the prince of nigeria, so we can't just destroy it" "okay" "WE NEED A NEW DISH" A bolt of lightning strikes behind Chef Amiee :3, thunder crackling ominously. Jakey reels back in horror. "i'm not a sorcerer" "come on let's just go to the grocery store and pick up ingredients" The two head down to Groceriez Я Us. Taylor stands at the counter, chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. Its consistency can hardly be called a stick, however, as he's been chewing it for years. "what do you want" "asbestos" "red dye #2" "tar" "kerosene" "m&ms" "fruit gushers" "bleach" "naruto" "the prince of wales action figures" "the treaty of versailles" "MSG" "pepsi cola" "camera film" "cotton balls" "syringes containing the aids virus" "trash bags" "a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle" "copies of green day's latest album, ¡ochente-cinco!" "battery acid" "skin from a dead hobo's mouth" "napalm" "fuzzy dice" "polyester" "oreo cookies" "CHEF AMIEE :3 THAT IS GOING WAY TOO FAR" "you're right; i'm sorry" "that will be zero alabama fun bux" "great" Jakey gives Taylor zero Alabama Fun Bux and they head to the restaurant. "okay so what do we do with this stuff" "we make hamburger helper" Business booms once word gets out that Chef Amiee :3 now makes Hamburger Helper. "thanks bro i couldn't have done it without you and shit" Michelle drops from the rafters, suspended by a rope. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chef Amiee :3's Food Place uniform]

Mission 021: Death and Taxes [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey the irs are coming and i spent all my money on these adorable stevo dolls" "they are rather adorable" "i am adoring them as we speak" Chef Amiee :3 giggles and blushes at the dolls. "my favourite is cowboy stevo" "really? i prefer robot stevo" "oh" Chef Amiee :3's eyes dart around the room. "okay" "anyway i'll halt the irs dog" "okay" Jakey hops into his Super GT and races to intercept the IRS. Jakey rams the IRS taxvan, and it stops. "Excuse Me Sir, Could You Please Stop Ramming Us Off Of The Road" "It Is Rather Rude" "OH FUCK" Jakey dives out of his Super GT, clutching his chest. "tell my wife i loved her or something?" Jakey goes limp on the ground. "You Can Get Up; You Are Not Fooling Anyone" "fuck" "First You Stop Us From Getting The Brick, And Now You Are Preventing Us From Doing Our Day Jobs" "You're Kind Of A Jerk, Jakey" Jakey draws his M4. Robert Truckdriver 4 grabs the barrel and throws the gun off the side of the highway, where it lands on a trampoline and bounces back up, hitting Robert Truckdriver 4 in the face and landing back in Jakey's hands. "Ow I Did Not Expect That To Happen" Jakey begins spraying the taxvan and Robert Truckdriver clones with bullets. "Ow Quit It" "no" The Robert Truckdriver clones stumble back, temporarily blinded by the muzzle flash. The taxvan catches fire and explodes, sending all of the Robert Truckdriver clones flying away from the explosion. "This Is Not Over" The Robert Truckdriver clones fall off the bridge. Jakey runs back to his Super GT and drives back to Chef Amiee :3's Food Place. "hey bro i did it" "thanks bro" Chef Amiee :3 gives Jakey a brown box. "hey this came in the mail for you" "for me?!" Jakey tears open the box as fast as humanly possible. "A COMPLETE SET OF STEVO DOLLS" A single tear streams down Jakey's face as he jumps up and down excitedly. "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU" "happy labour day!!!" Jakey carefully puts the dolls on the table. "i got you this" Jakey pulls out a boxset for the complete series of Two and a Half Men. "OH FUCK HOW DID YOU KNOW" "just a guess" "this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 sit on the couch and watch the entire series of Two and a Half Men, after which Michelle crawls out of the TV. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ dolls appear at safehouses/vague relationship with Chef Amiee :3]

Mission 022: From Here to Eternity [Satan]
"jakey my fax machine is broken" "oh noooooooo" "the repairman won't be here for another four-to-six weeks!!!" "OH FUCK" "PRESIDENT LEN IS EXPECTING MY ANNUAL REPORT IN TEN MINUTES" "FUCK" "GO JAKEY TAKE IT TO THE PRESIDENT OF HELL" "OKAY" Jakey grabs the annual report and hops into his Super GT. Jakey drives to the president's house, which is mobbed by reporters covering the latest scandal involving the president. "MISTER PRESIDENT IS IT TRUE THAT YOU MADE HEALTHCARE MANDATORY" "IS IT TRUE THAT YOU ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN" "YES I ALREADY SAID YES TO BOTH OF THOSE" Len closes the curtains and cowers in the corner. The Brick is thrown through Len's window with a note attached. "GUYS MOVE I HAVE BUSINESS" "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck" Jakey grabs a lawnmower from across the street and mows down the reporters. Jakey tries the door, but it's locked. "FUCK" Jakey throws a rope to the roof and climbs into the chimney. "hello" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Len throws The Brick at Jakey. "ow" Jakey picks up The Brick and looks at the note, which reads "hey len here's that brick you wanted - sheriff antony". "hey len i have a thing from satan" "oh good" Len picks himself up and grabs the annual report. "yes, yes, i see" "yes" Len grabs The Brick from Jakey. "come into my office" Len leads Jakey through a maze of winding corridors to his office. "as you know we've been facing" Len sighs. "resistance to our plan to let everyone receive medical treatment regardless of age, race, sex, or income bracket" Jakey sweats. "i need someone i can trust to help me make this shit HAPPEN" "okay" "here; take this with you" Len hands Jakey The Brick. "i'll call you" Michelle crawls out from under Len's desk, gasping for air. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the brick/Len missions]

Mission 023: Lending a Hand [Len]
"jakey one of the anti-healthcare leaders is at a construction site on mount st. hellens" "got it" Jakey takes the ski lift to the top of Mount St. Hellens and grabs a parachute. Jakey leaps out of the ski lift towards the construction site, and pulls the cord on his parachute. Jakey swoops in, and grabs the anti-healthcare leader before continuing off the mountain. "WHAT THE FUCK JAKEY" "how do you feel about healthcare" "HEALTHCARE?!" Professor Eif tries to break free of Jakey's grip, but is unable to. "hey if you fall, you'll get patched up by medics in no time due to" Jakey sighs longingly. "healthcare" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Professor Eif grabs his knife and stabs Jakey in the gut. "it's no use dude" "wat" "trust me; i've got universal healthcare" "WHYYYYYYY" Professor Eif goes into cardiac arrest. "oh good job we have universal healthcare here in hell" Jakey drops Professor Eif into an ambulance. Michelle falls from the sky and lands in Jakey's arms. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/parachute spawns at safehouses]

Mission 024: But Will it Blend? [Len]
"jakey the rest of the anti-healthcare leaders are in hellsinki for the national not-healthcare conference" "OKAY" Jakey drives his Super GT to Hellsinki, and heads to the Hellsinki Emergency Anti Legislature Technical Hall Catering Another Radical Exhibition. Jakey leaps out of his Super GT, diving through the window, sending glass shards flying everywhere. "hello" "hello" "why are you here" "i am here to spread the good word" Jakey smirks. "the good word of HEALTHCARE" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" The entire hall begins running around, screaming. The doors and windows all become covered with impregnable metal sheets. "HELP US" "CALL THE POLICE" "SENDIN' OUT AN S.O.S." Jakey grabs the slide projector and inserts his own slide. "hey everyone look at me" The projector flashes the word "HEALTHCARE". "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "HELP" "PLEASE GOD HELP US" All the members of the anti-healthcare union suffer from simultaneous heart attacks. Jakey deactivates the shutters and calls an ambulance. "so many heart attacks happened here dog" "okay" Fifty ambulances arrive at the scene. Michelle's gurney rolls out of an ambulance, taking her IV drip along with it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/healthcare t-shirt/projector appears at safehouses]