A Thing (2013)

Mission 050: Voices Inside My Head [Sting]
"jakey i have a horrible headache can you fix it" "I GOT THIS" Jakey calls Ceruleanbeard, who brings over Professor Eif's shrink ray and not-shrink ray. Jakey shrinks The Motherfucker, Ceruleanbeard, Kathy, and himself, and drives into Sting's ear. "oh man we're in sting's body" "let's take the tour" Jakey drives The Motherfucker onto the ferry, and the ferry heads south, to the heart. "HEY FOLKS I'M HEART GARFUNKEL AND I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE TO STING'S HEART" Heart Garfunkel leads everyone to scenic Heart Point. "from here, you can see the lungs, stomach, kidneys, spleen, liver, and gallbladder" Kathy runs around Heart Point, taking pictures of Sting's organs. "hey heart garfunkel can you take a picture of me and my friends" "sure" Heart Garfunkel takes a picture of Jakey, Kathy, and Ceruleanbeard at Heart Point. "thanks so much heart garfunkel" "any time" Kathy looks down at her camera to see a post-it note with Heart Garfunkel's phone number on it. "... okay" "arrrrgh this be the best vacation i ever be havin' mateys" "i agree" "can we please leave heart point please" The three reboard the ferry, and the ferry heads for the liver. "hello; i'm bon liver and i'll be your tour guide for sting's liver" Bon Liver leads the trio to Mt. Livermore. Kathy takes pictures of the figures carved into Mt. Livermore. Jakey attempts to crawl up the Mt. Livermore interpretation of Andy Summer's nose, falling down repeatedly. Bon Liver gets a picture of the three in front of Mt. Livermore, and Kathy gets her camera back with a second post-it note on it, featuring Bon Liver's phone number. "sigh" The three get back on the ferry, which heads to the spleen. "hello i'm bruce springspleen and welcome to the spleen" Bruce Springspleen leads the trio to the Spleening Tower of Piza. Bruce Springspleen takes pictures of Jakey, Kathy, and Ceruleanbeard holding up the Spleening Tower of Piza. Kathy gets her camera back with another phone number on it. "what the fuck" "they must not get much tourism here" "arrrgh i not be seein' why cap'n; this place be beautiful this time o' year" "i know right" The three reboard the ferry and head to their final destination; the brain. "HELP THEY'RE ATTACKING THE BRAIN" Kurt Cobrain runs away from the attacking Robert Truckdriver clones. "wait what" "Oh Hello" "We Were Just Attacking Sting's Brain" "why" "The Police Haven't Released A Follow-Up To Synchronicity" "We Were Driven To (Single) Tears When Nineteen-Eighty-Seven Hit And There Was No News Of A Sixth Album" "but it's been thirty years since synchronicity" "Thirty Years In Which We Have Waited For Him To Right His Wrongs" "I Still Have A Giant Hole In My Heart Where The Sixth The Police Album Should Be" Robert Truckdriver 5 solemnly pats Robert Truckdriver 3 on the back as single tears stream down both of their faces. "There There" "um can you stop" "We'd Rather Not" "fuck" "Maybe We Could Be Persuaded To Stop If You Gave Us Something" Jakey digs through his pockets. "i have a button, half a stick of butter, some lint, a dead battery, a post-it note with my sister's phone number on it, and a drake bell rookie card" "A DRAKE BELL ROOKIE CARD?!" Kathy swipes the Drake Bell rookie card and holds it close to her chest. "okay i don't have that last thing i mentioned" Ceruleanbeard grabs Michelle's phone number. "arrrgh i be wantin' this since i first be layin' eyes on her cap'n" "oh come ON" "Do You Happen To Have Anything Resembling The Brick" "no" "That Is Certainly A Shame" "I Guess We Have No Choice But To Destroy Sting's Central Nervous System" Robert Truckdriver 8 pulls out a bomb. "To Be Honest, Though, We Would Have Done It For The Drake Bell Rookie Card" "GODDAMMIT KATHY" "acquiring a drake bell rookie card is worth a casualty or two" Jakey cups his face in his hands. Robert Truckdriver 8 plants the bomb near Sting's brain, and the Robert Truckdriver clones teleport away. "JAKEY YOU HAVE TO DISARM THE BOMB" "i-i'll try" Jakey walks up to the bomb. "um" Jakey sweats. "FUCK" "we're all going to die" "arrrgh that be right matey" Peter Stillman falls from the roof of Sting's skull. "peter stillman?!" "aren't you supposed to be crippled" "it was all a lie; my leg didn't die in that explosion; just MY SOUL" "okay" "cut the red wire" Jakey looks long and hard at the wiring of the bomb. "THEY'RE ALL WHITE" "damn those guys are tricky" Peter Stillman rushes over to the bomb and grabs it. "wait where are you going" "i have made a new vow" A single tear streams down Peter Stillman's face. "i won't allow bombs to kill anyone else's soul" "... okay" "now bombs will get the rest of me" Peter Stillman warps off to parts unknown. "well that went well" "he was rather lively for someone who killed his soul" "i know right" Michelle jumps off Sting's brain, landing on Kurt Cobrain. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Heart Point t-shirt/Mt. Livermore t-shirt/Spleening Tower of Piza t-shirt/I can't believe you let Brain die, man t-shirt]

Mission 051: Man in a Suitcase [Sting]
"jakey we found peter stillman's remains for you" Sting hands Jakey a suitcase. "sweet" "why did you want them anyway" "he deserves a proper burial" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Alabama National Cemetary. "oh shit the gate's locked" "guess we're fucked" "do you have a bobby pin" Kathy gives Jakey a stern look. "i'm not seventy" "could have fooled me" Kathy rolls her eyes. "hey guys" "peter stillman?!" Jakey peeks inside the suitcase. "shouldn't have looked" Jakey throws up in the grass. "it's me peter stillman" Jakey looks up to see Peter Stillman's ghost. "how did you know we'd be here" "i didn't; i just wanted to visit my grave" "so did we but the gate's locked" "here take this" A skeleton key appears on the ground by Jakey's foot. "get it; a skeleton key because i'm a GHOOOOOOOOOST" "..." "OOOooooOOOOoooOOOOooooOOOOooo" "okay" Jakey unlocks the gate to the cemetary using his skeleton key, and the three head to Peter Stillman's grave, which reads "Peter Stillman - 1953 - 2013 'Killed His Soul with Bombs'". "did you ever reunite with your soul" "my soul won't speak to me" "oh" "you know, since i killed it" "yeah" "with bombs" "i got that thanks" Jakey and Kathy begin digging up Peter Stillman's grave, and open his coffin. "hey neat" Kathy pulls out a manequin of Peter Stillman from the coffin. "DIBS" Jakey grabs the manequin from Kathy's hands. "sigh" Kathy places the suitcase inside the coffin, and the two re-cover it with dirt. "thanks bros" "don't mention it" "a word of advice: don't kill your souls with bombs" "wasn't planning on it" "GOOD" Peter Stillman's ghost disappears, contented. Michelle rises from an adjacent grave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Peter Stillman manequin appears at safehouses]

Mission 052: The Other Way of Stopping [Sting]
"jakey we have just received word of technology that would help the police's efforts by a lot" Sting thinks for a moment. "a hell of a lot by my estimate" "okay" "we have a clown in the interrogation room" "um why" "we need to gain access to clown car technology to increase response times" "oh that sounds logical" Jakey heads into the interrogation room, coming face to face with Thomas the Clown. Thomas the Clown honks his nose at Jakey, in an obvious bid for aggression. "hello mister... the clown" Thomas the Clown honks his nose a second time. "i understand that you have access to clown car technology" Jakey puts a suitcase on the table. "my associates are prepared to pay handsomely for it" Jakey opens the suitcase and spins it around. Inside are 500,000 Alabama Fun Bux, a few sticks of Trident sugar-free chewing gum, a handful of gel pens, and fifty cans of Sprite. Thomas the Clown turns his nose up at the suitcase, and honks his nose three times in quick succession. "playing hard to get, are we" Jakey reaches into his pocket and produces a small token. "this token is redeemable for a free motherfucker burger" Thomas the Clown sweats, hungry from all of his nose-honking. Thomas the Clown produces a slip of paper from his pocket, and places it on the table. Jakey places the token down on the table, and grabs the slip of paper. "this is a shopping list" Thomas the Clown produces a second slip of paper from his pocket, which Jakey grabs. "ah there we go" Thomas the Clown holds out his hand, expecting the shopping list back. "fuck off it's mine" Jakey leaves the room while Thomas the Clown silently vows revenge, and hands the shopping list to Kathy. "HOW DID YOU KNOW I COLLECT SHOPPING LISTS" Jakey shrugs, and gives the plans for a 2014 model clown car to Sting. "we could use someone like you on the force" "yes" Sting sighs and goes back to work. Michelle stumbles out of the interrogation room holding a suitcase. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/clown car spawns at The Police station]

Mission 053: Murder by Numbers [Sting]
"jakey it's time to take out charles' bandits once and for all" "i agree" Jakey calls his most trusted allies who are not occupied by important things. "EVERYONE IN" Jakey, Jakey, Kathy, Sting, Andy Summers, Stewart Copeland, Ceruleanbeard, Cyanbeard, Fushciabeard, Indigobeard, Magentabeard, Mauvebeard, Ochrebeard, Onyxbeard, Pucebeard, Salmonbeard, Veridianbeard, and Violetbeard load into the clown car. "oh fuck this shit's roomy" "i know right" The eighteen ride over to Charles' Printing Factory (In No Way Associated with Charles' Bandits). "is this it" "what no this says it's in no way associated with charles' bandits" "good point" Jakey continues driving until he gets to Charles' Bar and Grill. "is this it" "EVERYONE GO GO GO" Everyone hops out of the clown car and storms Charles' Bar and Grill. "WHERE'S CHARLES" "who's askin'" "THE POLICE" "oh hey sting what's up" The bartender hits the Silent alarm. "SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED" "FUCK" Bandits of the Charles' variety spill out of every entrance, surrounding the eighteen. "welp" "it's been nice knowing everyone" "arrrrgh i be havin' a plan cap'n" Magentabeard ducks behind the bar, and lets all of the alcohol spill out. "WHAT" Charles' Bandits rush over to the bar to save the alcohol, allowing the eighteen to make their escape to the main office. Sting kicks down the door. "ah, it's the police" Charles glances over to Jakey and the rest. "and you've brought friends" Charles stands up, and walks over to a cabinet. "STOP RIGHT THERE" "i'd rather not" Charles pulls out his Colt Python, and shoots Magentabeard in the head. "ARRRRRRGH" "MAGENTABEARD" Jakey grabs Magentabeard just before he falls. "arrrrrrgh i be okay cap'n" Single tears stream down Jakey's face. "magentabeard" "arrrrrrgh okay maybe the last statement i be sayin' be a lie cap'n" Magentabeard dies in Jakey's arms. Jakey closes Magentabeard's eyes with his two fingers, and gently places him on the ground. "YOU WILL PAY F-" Jakey looks to see Sting standing over a dead Charles. "um" "well this is awkward" Jakey solemnly takes Magentabeard over to Doctor Vladimir, and the seventeen wait in the waiting room for what seems like hours. Jakey wears a donut-shaped hole in the ground from his pacing. "jakey i am having good news!!!" Jakey's eyes light up. "i am having rebuilt friend of yours" Magentabeard walks out of the operating room, covered in machinery. "MAGENTABEARD" Jakey runs over and embraces Magentabeard, a single tear slowly working its way down his cheek. "arrrrrgh cap'n i be okay now beep boop" Everyone engages in a large group hug while Magentabeard makes modem noises. Michelle wanders out of the operating room, covered in syringes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/U.S.S.R. t-shirt/Magentabeard is replaced by Mecha-Magentabeard in future missions]

Mission 054: Cash or Credit [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"hey ochrebeard what happened to all of our accreditations" "arrrrrrgh cap'n i be sellin' 'em to buy food for me" "... to who" "arrrrgh the word ye be lookin' for be 'whom' cap'n" "to whom did you give away the titles that make us a functional business" "arrrrrrgh that be the chicago olympic coaching konglomerate cap'n" "THE CHICAGO OLYMPIC COACHING KONGLOMERATE?!" Jakey presses the intercom button. "come on kathy we're going to chicago" "oh fuck i hear the fjords of chicago are beautiful this time of year" Jakey, Kathy, and Ochrebeard hop into The Motherfucker, and ride to Chicago. "oh look!!! it's the lazy chicago river!!!" "man that shit is lazy as FUCK dog" Jakey pulls up in front of the Chicago Olympic Coaching Konglomerate. "so how are we playing this" "the most fun way" Jakey pumps his shotgun, then politely opens the door and walks over to the receptionist, Carrie. "hello welcome to th-" Carrie's eyes drift over to Kathy. "hello, kathy" "carrie" "jakey!!!" Jakey throws his arms in the air. "she's my sister" "i got the looks she got the obsessive-compulsive disorder" Kathy tries to lunge at Carrie's throat, but is stopped by Jakey. "we're here to see your boss" "well blakey is preoccupied by legitimate concerns" Carrie rolls her eyes. "you three will just have to wait" "wait did you say blakey" "let me guess; your brother" "WRONG" "oh shit son" "he's my cousin" "oh" Carrie sweats. "well this is awkward" The three walk just out of earshot of Carrie. "so like" "it's vent time" "oh fuck i love vents" "arrrrrgh i be sharin' your love for vents matey" The three crawl through a vent to get to the meeting room. "so what's the status of our operations here in chicago" "beep boop all of the operations are operating boop beep" "excellent" Blakey starts his evil laugh, while CRLN-001, CYAN-002, FSHA-003, NDGO-004, MAUV-006, OCHR-007, ONYX-008, PUCE-009, SLMN-010, VRDN-011, and VILT-012 make modem noises. "boop beep arrrrrrrgh" MGNT-005 takes a swig from his rum. "STOP RIGHT THERE BLAKEY" "JAKEY?!" "yes" "carrie?! why are you siding with jakey?!" "I'M NOT CARRIE" Kathy throws her arms in the air. "EVERY TIME WE HAVE A FAMILY REUNION THEY MISTAKE ME FOR CARRIE" Kathy tears up the room. "so um" "yeah" "can we have our accreditations back" "no" "fuck" "I HAVE BLONDE HAIR" Kathy grabs the accreditations and chucks them out the window into The Motherfucker. "CARRIE DYED HER HAIR BLACK TO BE COOL (it wasn't very cool at all)" Blakey sweats. "calm down carrie" "I AM NOT CARRIE" Kathy grabs Blakey and shoves him into a trash can. Jakey sweats. Kathy grabs Jakey and Ochrebeard's arms and drags them to The Motherfucker. The board members of the Chicago Olympic Coaching Konglomerate follow. "FUCK OFF" "beep boop no boop beep" Kathy grabs a cricket bat. "not the espresso machines!!!" "arrrrrrgh i be on it cap'n" Ochrebeard reprogrammes the robots to work for the Alabama National Athletics League. "great job ochrebeard" "arrrrrrgh thank ye cap'n" Michelle casually exits the alley next to the Chicago Olympic Coaching Konglomerate. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/C.O.C.K. t-shirt/Chicago t-shirt]

Mission 055: Domo Arigato [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"arrrrrgh cap'n why we be havin' robots" "free labour" "arrrrgh cap'n ye be a genius" "beep boop captain the gutters have been cleaned and the roof is almost fully re-shingled boop beep" "great job FSHA-003" Jakey pats FSHA-003 on the head lightly. "beep boop commencing operation: reupholster the furniture boop beep" NDGO-005 rushes into the building, panicked. "beep boop captain someone is shooting at us on the roof boop beep" "WHAT" "beep boop i have instructed them all to hide inside the building but SLMN-010 was hit boop beep" Jakey takes the emergency ladder to the roof, where he sees SLMN-010 lying on the ground, circuits sparking. "beep boop captain i do not think i will make it boop beep" "0/10" Jakey chucks SLMN-010 to Onyxbeard on the ground, who rushes him in to Ochrebeard for repair. A sniper bullet flies right by Jakey's left foot. "YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT" Jakey takes out his binoculars, and checks around the city. "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO SMALL" Jakey chucks his binoculars into the dumpster. "never again" Another sniper bullet finds its way into the roof. "STOP THESE SHINGLES ARE EXPENSIVE" A third sniper bullet hits the roofing. "WE ARE FUNDED BY THE GOVERNMENT; ALL OF THIS DAMAGE COMES OUT OF YOUR TAXES" The sniper bullets suddenly stop. "go me" Jakey dusts off his hands and walks away. A fourth sniper bullet finds its way into Jakey's thigh. "ow that wasn't nice" Jakey's leg heals, and he calls mission control. "AIR STRIKE; CLOCK TOWER; NOW" "okay dude" A bunch of bombers bomb the shit out of Alabama National Clock Tower. The sniper comes flying at Jakey, who catches him with his left arm. "hello" "Hello" "how do you feel" "Pretty Good" Jakey unmasks the sniper to reveal Robert Truckdriver 16. "oh hey what's up" "You Know Just Catching Some Rays" "in full ski gear" "Ultraviolet Rays Are Dangerous Jakey" "Hello Can We Have Robert Truckdriver Sixteen Back" "nah" "Come On Man Don't Be Lame" "i'm not" "Zero Out Of Ten" "We Would Let You Keep Robert Truckdriver Sixteen If You Were To Give Us The Brick" "why do you even want the brick anyway" "It Would Look Great On Our Mantle" "Plus It Reveals The Location Of The D-" The Robert Truckdriver clones look at Robert Truckdriver 16 sternly. "We Told You Not To Tell Him That" "Forgive Him He Is New" "of the what now" "The Nearest Dentist's Office" "We Do Love Our Dental Hygiene" "Oh No We Have A Dentist Appointment Right Now" "Please Give Us Robert Truckdriver Sixteen Back So We Can Get Our Teeth Cleaned" "okay" Jakey chucks Robert Truckdriver 16 into the crowd of clones. "Thanks" The Robert Truckdriver clones load into their clonecar and drive off for their appointment at Doctor Vladimir's Dentistry. Michelle climbs up the ladder to the roof with her mouth full of gauze. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ski mask]

Mission 056: Real Estate [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"JAKEY THE ATHLETICS LEAGUE-OWNERS' ASSOCIATION IS COMING OVER TODAY TO FORCLOSE OUR ATHLETICS LEAGUE UNLESS WE DO A REALLY GOOD JOB OF CLEANING IT" "that's okay; i have a cardboard box" "we can't all operate in one box!!!" "i don't see how this is relevant" "come onnnnnnn let's go get a steamcleanerrrrrrrrr" "a what" "it cleans things" "..." "with steam" "..." "..." "oh" "yeah" Jakey and Kathy head to Steamcleanerz Я Us, and find Taylor at the counter, chewing a rather old stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "we'd like a steamcleaner" "you do know how steamcleaners work right" "yes you rub them back and forth over a thing and it gets cleaned" "with steam" "steam right" "we're having a discount today so you'll only have to jump through three hoops first" "EXUBERANCE" "VICTOLY" Taylor motions to a ramp leading to a bunch of flaming hoops. "well have fun with that jakey" Kathy looks through the steamcleaner catalogue. "fuck" Jakey hops into the Motherfucker, and ramps through the hoops. "welp here you go" Taylor hands Kathy a steamcleaner, and they load it into The Motherfucker. They head back to the Alabama National Athletics League, and have MAUV-006 clean the floor with steam. "okay so we have cleaned the floor" "with steam" "and we have a wide selection of fancy yoghurts to bribe the hoa with" "what is an hoa" "JAKEY FOCUS" "OKAY FUCKING HELL" "beep boop someone has eaten our fancy yoghurts boop beep" "WHAT" The three rush to the fridge, to find their selection of fancy yoghurts dwindled to one tube of Go-ghurt. "FUCK" "okay don't panic" "I AM NOT PANICKING" Kathy's eye twitches. "SEE I AM PERFECTLY CALM" "yeah" "so um" "WE MUST GO TO YOGHURTZ Я US" "beep boop but the big game is on at five boop beep" "it's 2:30" "beep boop i have to watch the preshows boop beep" "don't we have a tivo" "beep boop it is not the same boop beep" Kathy gives MAUV-006 a stern look. "beep boop if i am not tweeting the best plays i will be the laughing stock of the entire robotic community boop beep" "there are no plays in a preshow" "beep boop what if john madden does a silly dance boop beep" A single tear streams down MAUV-006's left cheek. "beep boop i would never be able to forgive myself boop beep" "okay fine stay here we can replace you with um" "ME" Sheriff Antony swoops down from the lights, naked. "..." "..." "sheriff antony did you eat our yoghurt" "yeah" "fuck you man" "but now we get to make..." Sheriff Antony wraps his arm around Kathy and holds his free hand out to the stars while Kathy twitches and squirms uncomfortably. "A MEMORY" A shooting star erupts from Sheriff Antony's fingertips and sails across the sky. "..." "..." "okay yeah that was pretty cool" The three head down to Yoghurtz Я Us and find Taylor, still chewing his stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "can we have some fancy yoghurts" "hoops" "fuck" Jakey jumps through the regulation-sized flaming hoops. "okay meet me at the league soon or else" Kathy shakes her fist at Jakey. Michelle does a backflip through the flaming hoops. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/yoghurt t-shirt/steamcleaner t-shirt/John Madden t-shirt]

Mission 057: Fake Estate [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"knock knock" "who's there" "the guy" "the guy who" "the guy who will evict you if your athletics league isn't cleaned" "..." "with steam" Kathy opens the shit out of the front door, and Taylor from Evictionz Я Us enters the house, chewing an ancient piece of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "yes it appears that this house has been cleaned with a sufficient amount of steam" "phew" "i assume you have the customary yoghurt selection" "totally" "fuck yeah man" The four dig in to their selection of fancy yoghurts. "man this yoghurt is fucking amazing dog" "totally" "where'd you get this shit dog" "yoghurtz Я us" "shit man i have to try that shit sometime dog" "i agree" "so now all that's left is the customary bribe" "wat" "HOOPS" "GODDAMMIT" Jakey dejectedly jumps through the hoops. "LACK OF STYLE MINUS FIFTY POINTS" "WHAT" "we're evicting you tomorrow after we do paperwork" Taylor moseys off, still chewing his stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "NICE GOING JAKEY" Kathy puts her face in her hands. "your blatant apathy cost us our league" "relax i got this" Jakey presses a button, activating a remote detonator inside Taylor's stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. Taylor's jaw detaches in a torrent of blood. Jakey picks up the blood-soaked paperwork and writes "these guys are so cool and totally deserve to own an athletics league" on it. "how are we going to get it to evictionz Я us" "easy" Jakey puts on a false moustache. "taylor didn't have a moustache and you look nothing like him" "CALM DOWN KATHY YOU'RE HYSTERICAL" "yes" Jakey moseys down to Evictionz Я Us. "oh hey taylor how'd the eviction go" "it didn't those guys were so cool and had the best yoghurts" "fuck" "welp" Jakey moseys to Taylor's desk, and deposits the forged paperwork. Jakey moseys back downstairs. "taylor did you forget" "forget what" "to punch out of work" "OH YES I DID BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN A LONG DAY AND NOT BECAUSE I AM REALLY JAKEY IN DISGUISE" Jakey nervously chews a stick of faux-Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "taylor you crack me up" Jakey punches out. "welp better be going" Jakey sprints out of Evictionz Я Us. Michelle leaps off the Evictionz Я Us building into a bale of hay. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Taylor disguise]

Mission 058: Basketballing is My Life [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"jakey sheriff antony wants to see you" "send him in kathy" Sheriff Antony enters Jakey's office. "did you see my application for my basketballing team i want to put together" "yes" Jakey pulls it out of a file cabinet. "i'm sorry but i don't think you'd give it all of your percent" "WHAT" Sheriff Antony rips off his sheriff duster, and stitches the remnants into a white glove. "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL" Sheriff Antony slaps Jakey with his white glove. "okay" "what should we duel with" "karate" "karate is stupid and you are stupid for liking it" "wat" "how about a basketball-off" "basketballing is my life" "basketballing is my fifteenth-favourite naked" "if i could ever stop basketballing i probably wouldn't" "basketballing is my third cousin twice removed" "basketballing is an activity i don't mind doing on weekends" "if i had the choice between basketballing and being slowly torn apart by wild bears i'd at least consider choosing basketballing" "basketballing is okay" Sheriff Antony sweats. "basketballing is decent as FUCK" "FUCK" Jakey falls to the floor, sobbing. "why" "i have won at basketballing" "i would be honoured to give you a basketballing team" "okay" "guys criminals have robbed the local basketball-a-torium and are refusing to give the basketballers back until they receive assurances that they're actually pretty cool" "I REFUSE" "anyone who would hold basketballers hostage totally is NOT that cool" "they are threatening to kill one basketballer an hour until their demands are met" "it's for the greater good" "their sacrifice won't be in vain" Jakey and Sheriff Antony set up the pool table. "what if you re-kidnap the basketballers" "BRILLIANT" "kathy have a raise" "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE" "and take these benefits" Jakey hands Kathy a handful of benefits. Kathy eagerly grabs the benefits, single tears slowly working their way down her face. "LIFE IS AMAZING" Jakey and Sheriff Antony head to the Basketball-a-torium while Kathy kisses her new benefits and brushes their hair. "Hello, sirs. Are you currently members of the criminal organisation holding basketballers hostage here?" "no" "Then I'm afraid I can't let you in, sirs." "fuck" Sheriff Antony cuts a hole through a window, and quietly lassos all of the basketballers outside. "oh hey thanks" "i'm glad you didn't give into those criminals' demands" "those guys were insane" Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and the basketballers quickly escape. "Rats They Got Away" "How Will My Fragile Self Esteem Ever Recover" Robert Truckdriver 7 pats Robert Truckdriver 8 lightly on the back. "I Still Think You're Cool Robert Truckdriver Eight" "Thanks Robert Truckdriver Seven" A basketballer unzips the zipper on the back of his costume to reveal Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Basketballer's uniform]

Mission 059: Health Potion [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"jakey horrible news" "again?!" "the sportsball season is starting and one of the coaches is in a coma in hell" "..." "..." "oh yeah i did that" "oh" Kathy sweats. "while i normally trust your judgement, or am at least paid to say that, a sportsball team doesn't stand a chance without a coach" "good point" "beep boop why not have the robot staff coach the team boop beep" "I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA EVER; I'LL HAVE THE ROBOT STAFF COACH THE TEAM" "beep boop why didn't i think of that boop beep" Jakey sends the robot staff to Ochrebeard to upgrade their coaching parameters. "problem solved" "but what about t-" "PROBLEM SOLVED, KATHY" "but-" "PROBLEM" Jakey puts his hands on Kathy's shoulders. "SOLVED" "b-" "KATHY YOU ARE NOT ENDEARING YOURSELF TO ME RIGHT NOW" "arrrrrgh cap'n the coach in hell's family be threatenin' to sue us" "TO HELL" The Jakey symbol flashes on-screen. "how is he doctor" "professor is doing well" Doctor Vladimir checks his clipboard. "for guy in coma of course" "fuck" "arrrrrrgh our old cap'n be havin' remedy for men who be in a coma cap'n" Ceruleanbeard slowly walks up to Professor Eif. "ARRRRRRRRRRGH" Professor Eif gasps a bit, but stays asleep. "arrrrgh" Ceruleanbeard looks at the floor, dejectedly. A group of men enters the room. "Hello" "hello" Robert Truckdriver 3 injects Professor Eif with something, waking him right up. "hello" "hello" "Hello" "hey professor eif the sportsball season is about to start" "oh fuck" Professor Eif leaps out the window and fast travels to Alabama. "Rats He Got Away" "We Should Have Shut The Window Before Waking Him Up" The Robert Truckdriver clones walk out of the room. "welp" "PROBLEM SOLVED" "but what if-" "KATHY NO" Jakey shakes his head sternly. Michelle exits her stasis tube. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 060: The Devil in Disguise [Satan]
"jakey horrible news" "why is it never 'jakey great news!!! i bought a cake for us to share!!!' or 'jakey great news!!! i found a cake on the side of the road for us to share!!!'" "MY SECOND SON HAS FOUND ME" "oh" Jakey sweats. "is that bad" "i gave him up because i wanted to only have one son but i had twins and i decided that in order for one to have a great life i had to give the other one away" "oh that sounds logical" "satan there's a man here to see you he says he's your son but he's not len" "send him in" "JAKEY" "YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR FEARS DOG" "but i'm afraid of them!!!" A young man walks in. "hey where's satan" Jakey turns around to see Satan wearing glasses with a fake nose and moustache on them. Jakey grabs them and chucks them out the window. "SATAN WHY DID YOU GET RID OF ME" "because i could only handle one son" "I BECAME PRESIDENT OF BLUE HELL TO IMPRESS YOU AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CARD" "blue hell is a shithole" "WAS a shithole" "he really did a lot with the place" "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck" Blen sighs. "can i at least do one thing" "fine" Blen turns around, pulls down his pants, and moons Satan. "..." "..." Jakey smiles widely, mouth slightly agape, and gives Blen two thumbs up. Blen walks out of the room, middle finger raised to the air. "that went well" "yes" Satan pulls out a cake. "PARTY TIME" Jakey, Kathy, Satan, and the entire workforce party like it's B.C. 1. A man looking similar to Satan walks in, clad in sunglasses, a Hawaiian shirt, and board shorts. "HEY HEY SATAN IT'S ME YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER" "NATAS" Satan and Natas embrace. "how's the skateboarding" "oh you know" Natas pushes his sunglasses to the brim of his nose, looking up over them at Satan. "i'm still rich + famous" "okay" The two laugh and party forever. "natas?!" "hello" "c-can i have your autograph" "i only sign autographs for chicks" "then can kathy have your autograph" "yes" Kathy sighs and walks over to Natas. "do you have any autograph cards natas" "no" "WHAT" Jakey grabs Natas' skateboard and hits him over the head with it. "TO THINK I ONCE IDOLISED YOU" Jakey chucks Natas's broken skateboard out the window before spitting on his body until he dies of dehydration. "YOU ARE THE WORST SKATEBOARDER EVER" "EVEN BAM MARGERA CARRIES AUTOGRAPH CARDS WITH HIM" "EVEN I CARRY AUTOGRAPH CARDS WITH ME" "AND NOBODY EVEN LIKES JAKEY" "YEAH" Jakey and Kathy storm out of Satan's office, mad that they ever called Natas kind of cool. Satan looks Natas in the eye and shakes his head. Michelle skateboards out of Satan's office wearing sunglasses, holding two freshly-signed autograph cards, and giving everybody a thumbs up. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/novelty glasses with fake nose + moustache/Michelle's autograph appears framed at safehouses]

Mission 061: Timey-Wimey Shenanigans [Satan]
"check out my new time machine jakey/kathy" "ooh" "ahh" Satan puts his left arm on his time machine. "yeah this baby's got it all; an engine, wheels, you know" Satan pats the top of the time machine lightly. "basic time machine things" "sweet" "so where should we go first" "LET'S HIT BUTTONS RANDOMLY" "FUCK YES" Jakey and Kathy push every button and pull every lever they can find. Satan is ejected out of the back seat. Kathy and Jakey travel through time, ending up in a small village at night. "where are we" "shrug" "you're supposed to move your shoulders up and not actually say 'shrug'" "shrug" "hey look a guy" "let's ask for directions" "NO KATHY I KNOW WHERE I AM GOING" Kathy stares at Jakey blankly before hopping out of the time machine. "hey where are we" "alabama" "..." "..." "SO THIS IS THE FUTURE" "awfully sparse for the future" "what year is it" "1010" "oh the past then" "shrug" "hey can you help me with a problem" "probably" "so this guy stairway is being a cunt but i can't leave home because i'm the second-in-command" "DO IT FAG" "leave a note first" "good idea" The man clad in dark armour gets out his pencil. "OKAY LET'S GO" Jakey and Kathy hop into the time machine, and press the glowing green button, advancing time six hours. A seventeen-year-old boy wakes up and finds the note. "WAT" The boy runs to get his friends and tell them of this shocking development. "GUYS TONY'S GONE" "great" "NO GUYS SERIOUSLY HE LEFT THIS NOTE" "what note" "i don't see any note" "0/10 jakey" "BUT GUYS I" The village leader walks up. "guys tony's gone" "WHAT" "NO WAY" "lame" "GUYS WHAT THE FUCK" "jakey stop being butthurt just because svart got this information before you" "guys wait we have to find him" "but you four can't leave" "why not ROFL" "you're too young" "but half of us are adults" "it's dangerous out there" "great" "great" "okay fine you can go" "what do you mean you're not letting us leave" "i'm sorry but that's my decision and i'm sticking to it" "man that svart guy is a cunt" "oh hey look it's jakey" "hi jakey" "wait jakey how come there are two of you" "it's the vernal equinox" "oh right" "why does my vernal equinox clone get a girl and i don't" "maybe because you are NOT THAT COOL" "GASP TAKE THAT BACK" "no" "fuck" Jakey hops out of the time machine. "jakey you are the COOLEST GUY" "I KNOW RIGHT" Jakey admires Jakey's sweet vest. "jakey you don't get a vote" "fuck off eif" "no" "fuck" "psst jakey" Jakey hands Jakey a Desert Eagle. Jakey nods. "HEY SVART" Jakey shoots Svart with the Desert Eagle. "ow that hurt" Svart's arm begins to fall off. "uh-oh our attacks aren't even doing anything to him" "haha he's right i am invincible" The four ABSCOND into the woods. "rats they got away" "WELP MY WORK HERE IS DONE" Jakey dusts off his hands and hops back into the time machine. "lo all" Michelle does a kneeslide and plays a powerchord. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/RPGboots 1-11 Jakey outfits/RPGboot holiday special Jakey outfits]

Mission 062: The Future is the Past [Satan]
"so jakey/kathy how was the past" "decent as fuck" "wish i could have seen it" "LET'S GO AGAIN" Jakey and Kathy press every button they find, and transport themselves back in time again. "where are we" "shrug" "hey guys the producer just told me that um we don't test well with the target demographic" "what" "they're gonna replace us with the original cast of sabrina" "oh that doesn't sound so bad" "yeah i love harvey" "and we won't get paid" "FUCK" "we have to do something exciting and fast!!!" Adam Lambert, Jack White, Ainsley Harriott, Stu, and Obnoxious Celtic Guardian play BINGO. "b-6" "AW YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS I WIN AGAIN FUCKING BINGO FUCKERS" "i hate it when stu wins" "butthurt" "YEAH FUCK WOOH BINGO FUCK YEAH YOU GUYS SUCK I AM THE SUPREME BINGO GUY FUCK YEAH" "is he always like this" "you should see him when he loses" "... WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY" "NOTHING" "THAT'S RIGHT I AM STU, BINGO KING I NEVER LOSE" "great" "great" "great" "great" "great" "hey guys wanna play stick ball" "NO WE PLAY BINGO" "but stu you always win" "AND WINNER CHOOSES NEXT GAME IT'S IN THE CHARTER AND I, THE BINGO KING, STU, WON" "FUCK" "oh god we must be in harlemshire" "OH FUCK" "oh hello would you like to play bingo with me" Stu smiles, his crown glistening in the warm sunlight. "YES" Jakey, Kathy, Satan, Adam Lambert, Ainsley Harriott, Obnoxious Celtic Guardian, Jack White, and Stu begin playing BINGO. "o-62" "BINGO" "WHAT" Stu rises from his chair and slams his hands on the table. "check it" Jakey motions towards his winning bingo board. "FUCK" Adam Lambert grabs Stu's crown and places it on Jakey's head. Single tears fall down from Stu's eyes. "welp our work here is done" Jakey dusts off his hands and hops back into the time machine. "WAIT I MUST LEARN YOUR SECRETS" "nah" Ainsley Harriott, Jack White, Stu, Adam Lambert, and Obnoxious Celtic Guardian devise a plan to get Jakey to show them his secrets. Obnoxious Celtic Guardian gets obnoxious with the BINGO BALLS, while Jack White and Adam Lambert make a HAM radio out of chewing gum, a flashlight, a HAM radio and saltines. Ainsley Harriott concentrates on the task at hand, grimaces and rubs his scalp inappropriately. "OKAY FINE JUST STOP DOING THAT" The eight hop into the time machine. Michelle ejects out of the bingo ball machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bingo crown/Stu missions/Jack White missions]

Mission 063: Art; Fine Art [Satan]
"jakey your ancestry isn't very cool" "WHAT" Jakey grabs Kathy and Satan, and drags them into The Motherfucker. "where are we going" "the national museum of jakey" "what" Jakey stops outside a museum with statues of famous Jakeys throughout the ages. "Hello, sir. May I see your pass?" Jakey hands George his lifetime pass into The National Museum of Jakey. "Thank you, sir." George steps aside, and the three enter The National Museum of Jakey. "it all started in A.D. 0 when the first jakey was born" Jakey gestures to a painting of the Baby Jakey. "up until then, my clan had named their male children other things besides jakey" "okay" "the original jakey, jakey prime, invented socks and sandals" "WHAT" "REALLY" "yes" Jakey smiles. "okay i take back what i said" "the world was so indebted to jakey prime for his contributions to the fashion world that they elected him the king of alabama" "wow" "the clan decided to name all of the males 'jakey' after the hero of the fashion world" "so wait how many jakeys have there been" "A LOT" Kathy sweats. "other famous jakeys include jakey the green, founder of canada" "oh right i read about him in history class" "ever since him, our coat of arms has been green" "naturally" "and of course there was jakey-kun who defeated the evil kenzakishima-san but was tragically unable to believe it" Kathy salutes. "there is also my uncle jakey, from the band runtime error" "i do love glam-fusion" "you may also know of my cousin, jakey, from the band 'who gives a shit'" "I FUCKING LOVE WHO GIVES A SHIT" "i have all their albums" "my favourite is 'i hate this'" "i prefer 'fuck this shit'" "and there's also chef jakey who invented fondue" "I FUCKING LOVE FONDUE" "okay the jakey clan is the best clan" "yes" "i agree" Jakey nods. Michelle stares at a picture of Michelle Prime (the progenator of being taken home), and sighs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/RPGboot HERO Jakey outfit/RPGboot anime Jakey outfit/Jakey Prime outfit/Jakey the Green outfit/Chef Jakey outfit]

Mission 064: I Want a New Drug [Professor Eif]
"jakey the sportsball season has started and i am out of steroids!!!" "OH NO" "jakey take my secretary and go to steroidz Я us!!!" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head to Steroidz Я Us. Taylor stands behind the counter chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hello" "hello" "can i have some steroids" "we're out" "FUCK" "but i know where you can get some" Taylor hands Jakey a t-shirt with a map leading to the haunted steroid mines on it. "the miners won't go in because of ghosts" "what" "that's totally racist" "i know right" "ghosts are people too" "yes" Jakey and Kathy head to the Haunted Steroid Mines. "YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE" "why not" "THERE ARE GHOSTS IN THERE" "YOU ARE A RACIST ASSHOLE NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU FUCKING SPICS" The workers run off crying. "those fucking racist spics are RUINING THIS COUNTRY" "word" Jakey and Kathy tear down the ghost-proof tape and enter the mines. "stop dude don't come in here bro" "it's cool some of my best friends are ghosts" An eerie silence permeates the mine. "welp" Jakey and Kathy grab shovels and begin digging for steroids. "I HIT SOMETHING" Kathy pulls up a giant treasure chest. "FUCK YES" Kathy opens the chest, finding one hundred copies of Green Day's ¡Uno!. "GROSS" "BURY IT BURY IT" Jakey and Kathy quickly rebury the treasure chest and its horrible contents, hoping that they didn't accidentally let any copies of ¡Uno! into the world. "that was close" "too close" "yes" Jakey and Kathy continue to dig several metres away from where they found the treasure chest. Eventually, they find a vein of steroids. Taking out their box of syringes, Jakey and Kathy fill them to the brim with fresh steroids. All their syringes exhausted, Jakey and Kathy carefully recover the hole, marking the spot with a giant letter "F". They load the syringes into the back of The Motherfucker, and drive home, carefully avoiding bandits and thieves. "hey professor eif we got you fresh steroids" "yessssss" Professor Eif grabs the box and carries it to his lab, hiding it in his safe with his streak-proof windows. Michelle walks out of Professor Eif's safe, covered in grape juice. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/map t-shirt]

Mission 065: Walking on a Thin Line [Professor Eif]
"jakey someone is leaking our plays to a rival team" "THE FIEND" "i need you to infiltrate the team and go incognito to figure out who did this" "GOT IT" Jakey puts on a The Motherfuckers uniform, and heads to the field. "HELLO I AM A SPORTSBALL PLAYER LIKE YOU" "hello" "How Do You Feel" "I AM GOOD BECAUSE I LOVE PLAYING SPORTSBALL" "I Feel The Same Way" "ARE ANY OF YOU GUYS INVOLVED IN PLAY-LEAKING" "No I Am Not" "THAT IS GOOD BECAUSE THIS PLAY WE ARE GOING TO PRACTICE IS THE BEST PLAY" "Give Me A Second" Robert Truckdriver 15 switches on his helmet camera. "OKAY NOW WE WILL THROW THE BALL AND CATCH IT" "Interesting Choice, Throwing The Ball And Catching It" Jakey chucks the ball down the field, and Robert Truckdriver 15 catches it. "That Play Was Great; It Would Certainly Be A Shame If The Robert Truckdrivers Were To Steal It" Robert Truckdriver 15 winks. "Oh You Guys May Not Have Seen It But I Just Totally Winked" Jakey returns to Professor Eif. "i think the spy is jeremy; he was awfully quiet" "JEREMY" Professor Eif shakes his fist. "i owe you a lot jakey" "yes" "here have some respect" "thank you for the respect" Michelle catches the ball as it flies through the air, then dropkicks it into the goal, which drops the checkered flag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Motherfuckers uniform]

Mission 066: If This is It [Professor Eif]
"jakey nbc isn't airing my sportsball games" "that's because cbs airs sportsball games" "..." "..." "oh" Professor Eif looks at the ground. "well this is embarassing" Michelle walks out of the bathroom, wearing a towel and brushing her teeth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/towel]

Mission 067: The Death of Stu and Me [Stu]
"jakey check out my new invention" Stu pats a vending machine-like object with Stu's face on it. Jakey proceeds to check it out. "it is a vending machine" "oh" Jakey sweats. "i never would have guessed" "check it" Stu inserts a dead fish into the vending machine, and out comes a Stevman action figure with kung-fu grip. "oh man let me try" Jakey steps towards the vending machine, and inserts a used tissue. Out of the bottom slot comes a copy of Green Day's ¡Dos!. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "WHAT DID YOU DO" A single tear rolls down Stu's face. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOO" Stu puts his hands on his head. "GO GET OBNOXIOUS CELTIC GUARDIAN" "but-" "SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T ESCAPE" A single tear streams down Jakey's face. "stu" "GO" Jakey rushes outside, and hops into The Motherfucker, driving as fast as he can to Obnoxious Celtic Guardian's Obnoxious Celtic House. "Hello" "WHAT" "How Do You Feel" "WHY ARE YOU HERE" "We Came To Acquire Obnoxious Celtic Guardian's Power Of Being Obnoxious" "YOU ARE ALREADY OBNOXIOUS" "Mission Accomplished" "Let's Go Get Ice Cream" The Robert Truckdriver clones head to Motherfucker Ice Cream. Jakey pounds on Obnoxious Celtic Guardian's Obnoxious Celtic Door. "OBNOXIOUS CELTIC GUARDIAN HELP" "what's the problem" "NO TIME TO EXPLAIN STU IS IN TROUBLE" "STU" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian and Jakey hop into The Motherfucker and drive back to Stu's house. They enter, and Obnoxious Celtic Guardian marvels at the destruction. "what happened" Jakey points to the copy of ¡Dos! on the table. "oh dear" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian puts on his Obnoxious Celtic Robe, and grabs his Obnoxious Celtic Staff. "DAEMONS BEGONE" The copy of ¡Dos! mysteriously vanishes in a white light. "try the machine again" Jakey puts in another used tissue, and out pops a Stevman-in-the-Box. "YES" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian puts an Obnoxious Celtic Breath Mint into the vending machine, and Michelle pops out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Stevman action figure and Stevman-in-the-Box appear at hideouts/Obnoxious Celtic Guardian missions]

Mission 068: Hooks in Stu [Stu]
"hello what is your business with the great inventor stu" "he wants to dissect me to learn my secrets" "oh" Kathy opens the door. "go right in" Jakey heads inside to see Stu working on another machine. "jakey i need your help" "really" "an endless black void has appeared in my closet and it's stolen all my stuff" Stu hands Jakey a small button. "go get it" "but how will i-" "PRESS THE BUTTON TO GET OUT" Jakey sighs and heads towards the black hole. "take kathy with you" Stu chucks Kathy into Jakey, knocking them both into the endless black void. "ow" "kathy why is your skull so painful when it hits me in the chest" Kathy shrugs. Jakey and Kathy begin collecting Stu's stuff from the endless black void, passing it back to Stu object-by-object. They end up collecting Stu's tie, Stu's fishing pole, Stu's Stevman Colouring Book, Stu's Stu action figure, and Stu's dinner. "are we done" "the object detector says there's still one thing here" Kathy and Jakey roam around the void, finding the last object. "Hello" "..." "..." "how did-" "I Got Lost" Jakey and Kathy take Robert Truckdriver 16 back to Stu. "that's not mine" "should we leave him" "What" "that's up to you" Kathy and Jakey huddle for a moment. "we've decided to let you go" "Cool" Robert Truckdriver 16 scratches the back of his neck. "By The Way Can You Give Me The Brick" "no" "Fuck" Robert Truckdriver 16 walks off, dejected. Michelle appears from within the endless black void. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/endless black t-shirt]

Mission 069: Within You, Without Stu [Stu]
"jakey i have a mission for you of the utmost importance" "should i get kathy" "NO" "... okay" "hop into this time machine and go to future in order to stop future me from wearing this tie and those socks and sandals together" Stu shudders. "THIS IS A TOP SECRET MISSION" "okay" Jakey hops into the time machine, and heads forward to the year 2035. "oh hey jakey what's up" "oh hey stu" Jakey sweats as Stu reaches for his tie. "don't do that" "what why not" "the tie and the socks and sandals clash!!!" "but-" "NO STOP STU YOU'RE HYSTERICAL" "I CAN WEAR WHAT I WANT" Stu grabs his tie. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey tackles Stu to the ground, and grabs his tie. Jakey feeds the tie into the shredder. "MY MOTHER MADE ME THAT YOU CUNT" "..." "oops" Jakey sweats. "it's okay i can fix this" Jakey hops back into his time machine, and heads back a few minutes. "oh hey jakey what's up" "oh hey stu" Jakey sweats as Stu reaches for his tie. "don't do that" "what why not" "the tie and the socks and sandals clash!!!" "but-" "NO STOP STU YOU'RE HYSTERICAL" "I CAN WEAR WHAT I WANT" Stu grabs his tie. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey tackles Stu to the ground, and grabs his tie. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey tackles Jakey to the ground. "HIS MOTHER MADE HIM THAT CUNT" "oh" Jakey sweats. "well this is embarassing" Stu grabs the tie from Jakey, and affixes it to his person. "FUCK" The two Jakeys hop back into the time machine. "oh hey jakey what's up" "oh hey stu" Jakey sweats as Stu reaches for his tie. "don't do that" "what why not" "the tie and the socks and sandals clash!!!" "but-" "NO STOP STU YOU'RE HYSTERICAL" "I CAN WEAR WHAT I WANT" Stu grabs his tie. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey tackles Stu to the ground, and grabs his tie. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey tackles Jakey to the ground. "HIS MOTHER MADE HIM THAT CUNT" "oh" Jakey sweats. "well this is embarassing" Stu grabs the tie from Jakey. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The three Jakeys tackle Stu to the ground. "ow my bones" Jakey grabs Stu's tie, and affixes it to his person. "I AM TAKING THIS AWAY UNTIL YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE" Stu thinks for a moment. "okay done" Jakey hands Stu back his tie. Stu carefully places it on the tie rack and grabs one that better matches his socks and sandals. Michelle wanders out from Stu's kitchen, wearing a tracksuit and carrying a power shake and power bar. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Stu outfit]

Mission 070: There's No Home for You Here [Jack White]
"GET OUT" Jack Wife dropkicks Jack White into the street and chucks his suitcase at his head. Jack Wife slams the door, locking it behind her. "fuck" "hey jack white how's life" "horrible as always" Jack White sighs as he picks up the remnants of his sixteenth marriage. "wait" Jack White frantically searches through his belongings, finding only sixteen saltines, broken bricks, little acorns, a screwdriver, broken boy soldiers, and a death letter. "OH NO WHERE'S MY LITTLE GHOST" Jack White marvels in horror as his little room is covered in a ghost-proof barrier. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Jakey sweats. "WE HAVE TO GET HIM BACK" "okay i have a plan" Jack White heads to the side of the house, and Jakey puts on a girl scout uniform and knocks on the door. "hello i am selling cookies" "do you have thin mints" "y-yes" A single tear streams down Jakey's face as soon as he learns what this mission will entail. "I WILL TAKE ALL OF THE THIN MINTS" Jack Wife holds up a large stack of money. "okay if you'll let me in i'll just place them on the table" "oh good" Jakey places ten boxes of Thin Mints on the table, and nonchalantly bumps the ghost-proof barrier with his elbow. The little ghost flies outside immediately. "that will be all of your money" Jack Wife hands Jakey all of the money she has, and Jakey takes it, shoving it into his pocket. Jakey quickly grabs all of the Thin Mints and rushes outside, bowling Jack Wife over. Jakey quickly constructs a brick wall where the front door used to be, and sees Jack White walking with a ghost. "WE DID IT JACK WHITE" "YESSSSS" Jakey, Jack White, and the little ghost hop into The Motherfucker, and ride off to parts unknown. Michelle emerges from the engine compartment. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$52,739/girl scout outfit/Thin Mints appear at Jakey's safehouses]

Mission 071: Let's Build a Home [Jack White]
"hey jack white how's life" "i just don't know what to do with myself" "well we can start by getting you a house" "why didn't i think of that" Jack White stands up, tin cans and pizza boxes falling to the ground. "the real estate market's in shambles" "i bought every house" "can i have one" "NO" Jack White sweats. "let's build a home?" "good idea" Jakey, Jack White, and the little ghost head for the lush forests of Alabama. "OKAY WE'RE READY" Ceruleanbeard drives up in a bulldozer, and plows over all of the trees. "arrrrrrgh i do be lovin' progress cap'n" "word" Onyxbeard pulls up stumps with his backhoe, and puts them into Ochrebeard's dumptruck. From there, Ochrebeard takes them to the landfill, where Indigobeard incinerates them with a flamethrower. "arrrrrrrrgh i be burnin' for ye cap'n" Soon, the three are standing on a completely empty field. Fushciabeard lays the foundation for the mansion, and Cyanbeard lays the supports. Pucebeard puts up the walls, and Salmonbeard does the roof. Soon, the mansion is completed. Veridianbeard puts on shingles, and Violetbeard paints the house red and white. "HERE IT IS BRO" Jakey opens his arms as if to hold the house between them. "YOUR NEW HOUSE" "wow" Jack White looks at the house. "i suppose it'll do" Jack White throws all of his stuff into the house. "well thanks" Jack White sleeps on a bed for the first time in weeks. Jakey and his crew leap into the air, red and white lines appearing behind them. "WE DID IT" Time freezes for a few seconds, then returns to normal. The lines recede. Michelle breaks through the floorboards. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/paint buckets appear at safehouses]

Mission 072: Desagradable [Obnoxious Celtic Guardian]
"jakey i'm running for obnoxious celtic president!!!" "oh wow" "i even got a receptionist!!!" Kathy waves from across the room. "when is the obnoxious celtic election" "tomorrow" "oh" Jakey sweats. "who else is running" "obnoxious celtic defender" "but he's an international celebrity" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian shrugs. "i have a plan to get everyone to vote for me; follow me" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian leads Jakey and Kathy to the basement. "check it" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian gestures to an Obnoxious Celtic Machine. "wow" "cool" "this allows me to broadcast an advertisement right in the middle of a sportsball game" "what" "that's so-" "obnoxious?" "..." "..." "carry on" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian sits down in his Obnoxious Celtic Chair. Jakey pulls the Obnoxious Celtic Lever on the Obnoxious Celtic Machine, causing an Obnoxious Celtic Boot to drop onto an Obnoxious Celtic Button, causing an Obnoxious Celtic Basketball to be thrown by an Obnoxious Celtic Hand into an Obnoxious Celtic Hoop. The Obnoxious Celtic Basketball hits another Obnoxious Celtic Button, which starts the Obnoxious Celtic Broadcast. Obnoxious Celtic Guardian faces the Obnoxious Celtic Camera in his Obnoxious Celtic Chair, and clears his Obnoxious Celtic Throat. "hello my name is obnoxious celtic guardian and i am running for obnoxious celtic president" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian walks off with his Obnoxious Celtic Hands in his Obnoxious Celtic Pockets, whistling badly. Kathy presses an Obnoxious Celtic Button, causing Obnoxious Celtic Guardian to slip on an Obnoxious Celtic Banana Peel. This shuts off the Obnoxious Celtic Camera, stopping the Obnoxious Celtic Broadcast. Michelle walks out of the Obnoxious Celtic Parlour. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Obnoxious Celtic Guardian 2013 t-shirt/Obnoxious Celtic Equipment appears at safehouses]

Mission 073: Desagradable II: The Revenge [Obnoxious Celtic Guardian]
"jakey i did it i am obnoxious celtic president" "cool" Jakey sweats, as he voted for Obnoxious Celtic Defender. "LET'S GO TO THE INAUGERATION CEREMONY" "OKAY" Jakey, Kathy, and Obnoxious Celtic Guardian hop into The Motherfucker. "i am so happy and stuff" "let's go to motherfucker burger to celebrate!!!" Jakey pulls into the Motherfucker Burger drive-through. "hello order or whatever" "i'll have three motherfucker burgers and a large motherfucker shake" "would you like motherfucker fries with that" "fuck yes" Jakey pulls up, hands Chef Amiee :3 his money, and grabs his food. A large black van pulls up beside The Motherfucker. "Hello" "hello" "Did You Know That Obnoxious Celtic Defender Was Going To Make It An Obnoxious Celtic Law That You Have To Give Us The Brick" "i did not" "Well You Do Now" The Robert Truckdriver clones slam their van into The Motherfucker. Jakey tosses the food back to Obnoxious Celtic Guardian and peels out. "Get Back Here" "i can't believe obnoxious celtic defender would do that" "yeah he specifically said he WOULDN'T do that" "i never should have voted for him" "me either" "what was that" "NOTHING" The Robert Truckdriver clones slam into The Motherfucker again, causing both cars to go off the road. Jakey hops out of The Motherfucker. "hello" "Hello" Jakey grabs a tyre iron, and smashes it into Robert Truckdriver 7's face. "Ow" The tyre iron continues its trajectory into Robert Truckdriver 11's face. "Ow" The two Robert Truckdriver clones fall in opposite directions, knocking over all of the Robert Truckdriver clones. "Ow" "You Have To Admit, That Was Pretty Cool" "Fuck Off Robert Truckdriver" "No" "Fuck" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and drives to Alabama Hall. King Bran gives Obnoxious Celtic Guardian the Obnoxious Celtic Key to the Obnoxious Celtic Country. "thanks" King Bran nods, and returns to his paperwork. Michelle gets thrown out of Alabama Hall by the Secret Service. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Obnoxious Celtic Defender 2013 t-shirt/King Bran missions]

Mission 074: I Wrote an Entire Mission for One Shitty Joke (Desagradable the Third) [Obnoxious Celtic Guardian]
"hello jakey can you help me with a matter of athleticism" "i guess i have to" "i want to buy the boston celtics" "go ahead" "but they won't take me seriously because i'm too um" "obnoxious?" "yes" "come on let's go to boston" Jakey, Kathy, and Obnoxious Celtic Guardian load up and head to the largest city in Alabama, Boston. Obnoxious Celtic Guardian knocks on the front door of the owners of the Boston Celtics. "hello" "Hello" "..." "Oh Hi Jakey" "How Do You Feel" "why is life so horrible" "hey can we have the boston celtics" "Maybe If You Traded Us A Suitable Item" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian digs through his pockets, only finding some silly string. "fuck" "Maybe Your Friend Has Something We Would Want" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian looks at Jakey, his eyes glistening with pure hope. "sigh" Jakey rummages through his pockets. "i've got a copy of bad company's straight shooter on cassette, a socket wrench, a pen i stole from the bank, a green clothespin, some doritos, and a yellow 4x2 lego brick" Robert Truckdriver 10 gasps and looks back at his incomplete yellow LEGO castle. "I Will Give You The Boston Celtics For That Yellow Four By Two Lego Brick" "deal" Robert Truckdriver 10 signs the papers and hands them to Jakey. Jakey hands Robert Truckdriver 10 the yellow 4x2 LEGO brick. Robert Truckdriver 10 rushes back into the house to finish his yellow LEGO castle. "well that went well" Obnoxious Celtic Guardian grabs an Alabamanian Basketball Boss Association document, and scribbles down his information in a black Sharpie. Obnoxious Celtic Guardian then officially renames his basketballing team "Obnoxious Boston Celtics". Michelle launches a flaming LEGO cannonball from her purple LEGO castle at Robert Truckdriver 10's yellow LEGO castle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/desagradable t-shirt/Michelle's purple LEGO castle appears at safehouses]