A Thing (2013)

Mission 025: The Lens of Truth [Len]
"hello what is your business with the president of hell" "i wiped out all of his opposition in the healthcare debate, kathy" "oh go right in" Kathy punches Jakey in the arm lightly. "hero" A superwhelming sense of pride washes over Jakey as he enters Len's office. Len presses the intercom button. "kathy you should hear this too" Kathy enters the room. "now that healthcare is accepted, we can focus on getting people to trust me when i allocate more funds to the war effort against rome" "if you can't trust the president of hell, who can you trust" "i know right" "i'd like to give you both jobs here as part of my cabinet" "sweet" "kathy you're secretary of the interior" "gee" "jakey you're chief of marketing" "IT IS WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO" "i agree" "also reelection is happening and shit so go make me an advertisement" "okay" Jakey and Kathy head to the nearest film studio, Filmin' All Dat Shit. "are you sure we can't just head to filmz Я us" "yes" The two head into the main film studio, and find the director, Max Schoonen. "hello Max Schoonen" "how are you Max Schoonen" "feelin' good" "we need to film a campaign thing for the president of hell can we use your film studio Max Schoonen" "i don't see why not" Max Schoonen shoos out the actors for the new Adam Sandler movie, Click II: Click Harder. "on second thought, we could use adam sandler Max Schoonen" "ADAM SANDLER GET BACK IN HERE BRO" "okay Max Schoonen" "thank you muchly Max Schoonen" "don't mention it bro" "okay Max Schoonen" "roll in 3 2 1 GO GO GO" Jakey hits his tape recorder, which reads the message "hello my name is len, the president of hell, and i approve this message". "have you ever wanted len to not be president of hell" "i sure haven't" "neither have i" "you said it, adam sandler" "and cut" Max Schoonen rips out the tape and gives it to Jakey. "thanks Max Schoonen" "any time bro" Jakey and Kathy head back to the office, and sit down with Len for a viewing of the newest trailer. As the advertisement ends, a single tear slowly works its way down Len's face. "that was the greatest thing i have ever seen" Kathy and Jakey high-five. Michelle salutes the screen, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Len 2013 badge/Presidential Cabinet salary ($1,923/week)/Max Schoonen missions/Adam Sandler missions]

Mission 026: Max Schoonen [Max Schoonen]
"jakey i am making a movie about your life and would like you to audition for the part of magentabeard" "i have always wanted to play magentabeard Max Schoonen" "places everyone" Jakey dons his Magentabeard outfit and takes the stage with Travis, who is playing Jakey. "3 2 1 ACTION" "hello magentabeard let us go find treasure" "shiver me timbers jakey" "CUT" Max Schoonen puts his face in his hands. "jakey you are playing magentabeard, not onyxbeard" "oh right Max Schoonen" "3 2 1 GO" "hello magentabeard let us go find treasure" "yo ho ho" "CUT" Max Schonnen shakes his head disapprovingly. "you're fired" "WHAT Max Schoonen" Jakey plops himself onto the floor. "can i at least play jakey Max Schoonen" "but jakey you'd make a horrible jakey" "oh right Max Schoonen" Jakey heads to his dressing room to find a present with a note attached, which reads: "take this thing and use it bro". Jakey unwraps the cloning ray and clones himself. "hello" "hello" "how do you feel" "i feel great, jakey" "i'm so glad, jakey" Jakey and Jakey head to the studio again. "hey i found a perfect actor to play jakey Max Schoonen" "hello Max Schoonen" "he sure looks the part" "he looks more like me than i do Max Schoonen" "hmm" Max Schoonen cups his chin in his hand. "do your best jakey impression" "shiver me timbers Max Schoonen" "you're hired" "thank you muchly Max Schoonen" "i can't believe this shit Max Schoonen" Travis takes off his false beard and storms out. "it's time for line readings guys" Everyone takes their places. "3 2 1 FUCK" "hello i am jakey look at me" Michelle wanders out to the set to deliver the line she was born to read. "UNDERSTAND THAT" A laugh track erupts from the ceiling. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/false beard/Jakey missions]

Mission 027: Participation Ribbon [Adam Sandler]
"jakey i have to go on leno tonight and the director says i can't spoil click ii: click harder" "why don't you spoil click iii: click hardest" "the events of click iii: click hardest are all directly influenced by the events of click ii: click harder" "oh" Jakey sweats. "don't worry i have an idea" Everyone takes their seats on-stage. While Jay Leno does his monologue, Jakey heads to the control room, but is stopped by George. "I'm sorry, sir. I cannot let you into the control room." "fuck" Jakey runs across the hall and holds crew members up until one gives him a keycard. "hello george i have a keycard" Jakey shows George the keycard. "Oh, hello, Bob from marketing. Head right in." Jakey heads into the control room and hacks the teleprompter, making it display new messages for Adam Sandler to read. "so, adam sandler, how is your latest film coming along" Adam Sandler sweats, looking at the teleprompter. "I HAVE CHANGED MY NAME TO RADAM SANDLER" "wat" "I FEEL THAT THIS PROPERLY EMCOMPASSES HOW RAD I AM" "well you are rather rad" "I KNOW RIGHT" "so about your new movi-" "I RECENTLY BOUGHT A DOG WHO LOOKS SAD ALL THE TIME AND NAMED HIM SADAM SANDLER" "wat" "HE IS VERY LOYAL AND WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME" "but about your new mov-" "MAYBE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR NAME TO MADAM SANDLER" "i'm not mad bro" "REALLY BECAUSE YOU SOUND MAD TO ME" "oh look it's time for a commercial" "SEE" Adam Sandler leaves the stage and wipes his brow during the commercial break. "thanks jakey you saved me from looking like an idiot" "any time bro" Michelle drives her go-kart through the studio before crashing into Jay Leno's desk. The impact sends her flying, and she lands on her back at Jakey's feet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jay Leno missions]

Mission 028: Double Vision [Jakey]
"oh man i wonder how jakey is today" Jakey heads to Jakey's house, only to find that Jakey isn't home. "fuck" Jakey sits on the steps to Jakey's house, and sees Jakey ridin' 'round town with the girl that he loves! "ORANGE" Jakey hops into his Super GT, and rams Jakey off the road. "jakey what the fuck man" "MAN I FUCKING SAW YOU" Jakey points towards Jakey's Ferarri. "i saw you ridin' 'round town with the girl i love" Jakey sweats. "fuck you man" "but-" "I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU JAKEY" "but jakey i-" Jakey turns his back to Jakey, crossing his arms. Kathy walks over to Jakey. "jakey i-" "I GUESS THE CHANGE IN MY POCKET WASN'T ENOUGH" "i thought he was you!!!" "he looks nothing like me!!!" "but he IS you" "HE JUST PLAYS ME ON TV" "and is an exact genetic replica of you" "with loads more money" "yes" "ugh" Jakey begins to walk off, leaving Kathy with Jakey. "JAKEY WAIT" "no" "fuck" Kathy tries running after Jakey, but trips on a Ferarri tyre. "fuck" Jakey grabs the bumper off of his totalled Ferarri. "i'm sorry, jakey" Jakey rams the bumper through his stomach, killing himself. Jakey turns around to see Jakey lying nearly dead on the ground. "goddammit" Jakey calls an ambulance. "MAN YOU ARE SO LUCKY THAT HELL HAS FREE HEALTHCARE" The ambulance grabs Jakey, and drives him to Hell Emergency Medical Station. "jakey i'm sorry and shit" "yes" Michelle crawls out of the wreckage of Jakey's Ferarri. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/even vaguer relationship with Kathy]

Mission 029: It Takes Two [Jakey]
"doctor is he going to be okay" "da he is making full recovery" "thanks doctor" Jakey paces around the hospital waiting room while Kathy reads Hell's second-most popular magazine, Pudding Club Weekly, checking her watch every few seconds. Doctor Vladimir wheels Jakey out in a wheelchair. "hello" "hello" "hello" "he is being ready to go" "so jakey how does stabbing yourself with a ferarri bumper feel" "liberating" Jakey takes in everything around him. "life is good" "yes" "he should be being fine so long as he is not stabbing himself with ferarri bumper from here on" "sweet" "ALSO WE GOT YOU A PRESENT" Jakey and Kathy lead Jakey and Doctor Vladimir outside. "OH FUCK" A single tear streams down Jakey's face as he sees his Ferarri, repainted green with art of all of Jakey's friends and repaired to fuck. "jakey i-" "LET'S GO JAKEY" Jakey tosses the keys to Jakey, and the four get into the Ferarri. "jakey thanks" "hey, you know, it takes two to make a thing go right" "and it takes two to make it out of sight" Jakey and Jakey fistbump and drive off. Michelle pops up out of the trunk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/green Ferarri spawns at Jakey's house/Doctor Vladimir missions]

Mission 030: Two Princes [Jakey]
"jakey kathy bad news" "what" "you're not the president of the alabama national athletics league" "wat" "the prince of wales" Jakey takes off his sunglasses. "tricked you" "WHAT" "that badge isn't really the presidential badge; it's a fake" "FUCK" "even worse: the prince of wales is planning on staking claim tonight" "COME ON JAKEY WE ARE DOING THIS SHIT" "what about me!!!" "kathy you need to stay here and make sure the crew is ready" "got it" Kathy hops onto the company moped and speeds west. "let's go" Jakey and Jakey hop into Jakey's private jet and speed off towards The Prince of Wales' private island. "OH FUCK WE'RE TAKING FIRE" "JAKEY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAP OUT" "NOT WITHOUT YOU JAKEY" "THERE'S NO TIME I'LL BE FINE JUMP" Jakey grabs a parachute and glances back at Jakey. "NOW" Jakey leaps out of the plane as it catches fire. A piece of the right wing hurtles towards Jakey. Jakey barely dodges it, and pulls the cord on his parachute. "hello" "hello" "WE ARE THE TWELVE MEMBERS OF THE ALABAMA NATIONAL ATHLETICS LEAGUE COUNCIL" "okay" "I AM BOB" "I AM STEVE" "I AM GERRY" "I AM CLARENCE" "I AM PHIL" "I AM PAUL" "I AM PETER" "I AM EVAN" "I AM CLANCY" "I AM TOM" "I AM RALPH" "AND I AM JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "why do you get the lightning jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "fuck you jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "so can i get by" "NO" "you need to pass the THREE TRIALS" "okay" "the first was made by bob, steve, gerry, clarence, phil and clancy" "hello" "hello" Jakey enters a cardboard box with a sticker on it that says "trial one". A swarm of bees heads towards Jakey. "BEES" His first line of defense not working, Jakey grabs his squirt gun filled with honey and squirts it at the wall, attracting all the bees. "welp" "HE PASSED THE FIRST TRIAL" "FUCK" "YESSSSS" "but you will never get past the second trial, made by paul, peter, evan, tom, and ralph" The twelve council members throw Jakey into a wooden barrel labeled "trial two". A manequin of Jakey's father sits inside. "JAKEY I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU" "okay" "FUCK" "GODDAMN YOU AND YOUR APATHY TOWARD YOUR FATHER" "but you will never pass the final trial, made by that other guy" "come on say my name" "NO, JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "FUCK YOU JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "ARGH" Bob storms off. Jeff leads Jakey into an ancient temple full of treasure. "welp bye" Jeff leaves forever, and Jakey follows. "come on man you're supposed to get the treasure" "i'd rather not" "FUCK YOU" A single tear streams down Jeff's face. "YOU WILL RUE THE DAY THAT YOU MADE AN ENEMY OF JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "will i rue it hard" "YOU WILL RUE IT HARDER THAN ANY OTHER DAY THAT YOU HAVE RUED BEFORE" "goodbye jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. Jakey heads to The Prince of Wales' house. "Hello, sir. What reason do you have for entering The Prince of Wales' house?" "he stole my badge" "Go next door and fill out a claim sheet, sir." George points Jakey to a small desk. "fuck" Jakey goes around the side of the building and launches his hookshot, hooking up to the roof. Jakey drops through a skylight, and switches the two badges before leaving. Michelle runs out of trial one covered in bees. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/real presidential badge/three trials t-shirt/BEES t-shirt]

Mission 031: A Tale of Two Jakeys [Jakey]
Jakey, Jakey, Kathy, Ceruleanbeard, Cyanbeard, Fushciabeard, Indigobeard, Magentabeard, Mauvebeard, Ochrebeard, Onyxbeard, Pucebeard, Salmonbeard, Veridianbeard, and Violetbeard wait in the lobby of the Alabama National Athletics League Headquarters for The Prince of Wales. Rain pours down from the sky. "hey can i get in" "Hello, sir. May I see your worker's ID?" The Prince of Wales hands George his presidential badge. "Sir, this is a fake. Please leave before I'm forced to call security." "WHAT" The Prince of Wales takes his fake badge and shuffles off, dejectedly. "i can't believe that someone has tricked me, the prince of wales!!!" "Have a nice day, sir." The Prince of Wales whistles for Bob, Steve, Gerry, Clarence, Phil, Paul, Peter, Evan, Clancy, Tom, Ralph, and Jeff. The twelve former council members jump George. "Ow. It appears that I am being attacked. Please help." Jakey shoves down the door with his shoulder, and chucks a molotov cocktail onto the dogpile, lighting everyone but George on fire. "Thank you, sir. I am glad that I did those firetruck missions." "FUCK" The Prince of Wales runs over to Jeff, and shakes his unconcious body. "JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "SPEAK TO ME JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "aw i'm just foolin'" "AUGH" The Prince of Wales recoils in horror. "TRICKED TWICE IN ONE DAY" The Prince of Wales falls to his knees. "why" A single tear streams down The Prince of Wales' cheek. "how could i have been tricked twice" The Prince of Wales pounds the sidewalk with his fists. "GODDAMMIT JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "i'm so sorry the prince of wales" A single tear streams down Jeff's face. "i'm so sorry" "HA I TRICKED YOU; YOU DIDN'T REALLY TRICK ME" "OH FUCK" "I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING YOU TRICKED ME" The Prince of Wales produces the real presidential badge. "OH FUCK" The Prince of Wales hands the presidential badge to George, who is forced to let The Prince of Wales inside. "hey guys what's up" "GO TO HELL, THE PRINCE OF WALES" Jakey grabs The Prince of Wales and attempts to slam him to the ground, but The Prince of Wales slides between Jakey's legs, and kicks him into the wall. "JAKEY" Jakey hits The Prince of Wales in the face with the butt of his M4, which The Prince of Wales grabs and tears apart. Kathy wordlessly shoots The Prince of Wales in the back of the head with her Desert Eagle, killing him instantly. "..." "..." "i'm okay with this" "hey let's head to motherfucker pizza" "i fucking love motherfucker pizza!!!" Jakey, Jakey, Kathy, and the twelve current members of the Alabama National Athletics League council leave for Motherfucker Pizza. Michelle runs after them. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/really real presidential badge/lightningbolt t-shirt]

Mission 032: Two of Us [Jakey]
"OH FUCK I LOVE MOTHERFUCKER PIZZA" "who doesn't love the rich taste of motherfucker pizza" "I Know Right" "Motherfucker Pizza Is So Great" "Oh Hey It's Jakey" "Hi Jakey" Robert Truckdriver 7 draws his gun. "put the gun down robert truckdriver" "No" "fuck" The rest of the Robert Truckdriver clones draw and fire their guns at Jakey, Jakey, and Kathy. Jakey flips the table over, deflecting the bullets. "Luckily For Us, We Brought Two Bullets This Time" "FUCK" Jakey backflips over the overturned table, and lands behind the Robert Truckdriver clones. Robert Truckdrivers 6 and 7 spin around and fire their shots at Jakey, who deflects them with his novelty boxing glove. Meanwhile, Jakey flips over the next booth, and runs into the kitchen to grab a fire extinguisher. Jakey leaps over the counter and sprays the Robert Truckdriver clones with the fire extinguisher. "Hey Cut It Out" "Yeah We Aren't On Fire" "oh really" Kathy chucks a molotov cocktail at the Robert Truckdriver clones just as Jakey runs out of foam. "Ow" "This Is Rather Painful" The fire sprinklers in Motherfucker Pizza activate and put out the fire. "..." "..." "oh" "fuck" "So Can We Have The Brick Now" "We Know You're Holding Out On Us Man" "I Can't Go Home To My Wife Without The Brick Again" "You Said It, Robert Truckdriver" Jakey takes out the brick. "is this it" "Yes" Robert Truckdriver 5 nods approvingly. "Yes It Is" "fuck off it's mine" Jakey pets the brick like one would a cat. "Then I Am Afraid You Leave Us With No Choice" The Robert Truckdriver clones, barring 6 and 7, aim their guns at Jakey. Single tears stream down all of their faces in unison. "Goodbye, Jakey" Chef Amiee :3 runs up behind the Robert Truckdriver clones and hits them with a frying pan. "hey guys i totally just bought the rights to motherfucker pizza" "so long as you continue to serve the amazing special pizza sauce and unique blend of fifty-seven different cheeses, i'm on board" "oh i certainly will" "fuck yes" "let's have a motherfucker pizza to celebrate!!!" Chef Amiee :3 brings out a Motherfucker Pizza. Jakey rubs his hands together, smiling. The four friends dig into their Motherfucker Pizza, celebrating their new employee discounts. Michelle stumbles out of the kitchen, covered in pizza dough. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Motherfucker Pizza t-shirt/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 033: Automobiles [Jay Leno]
"hey jakey you like cars right" "sure" "can you get me a few cars" "okay" Jay Leno hands Jakey a list of cars to acquire. "wow these are certainly cars" "i know right" Jakey hops into his Super GT and heads to Crazy Svart's Used Autos. "hey crazy svart" "hey unstable jakey" Jakey hands Crazy Svart the list Jay Leno gave him. "do you have any of these cars" "let's run it through the database" Crazy Svart hands Kathy the list of cars, and she goes through the database. "we have five of them here" "sweet" "the other two don't exist" "cool" Crazy Svart pulls up in a big car-carrier. "i'll fill this up; you go search for the other two" "got it" Jakey salutes Crazy Svart and hops back into his Super GT. "man i'm hungry; i could sure go for a motherfucker burger" Jakey pulls up to the Motherfucker Burger drive-through. "hello" "hey chef amiee :3 i'll have a motherfucker burger" "okay here you go" "thanks" Jakey heads to the exit, when he spies one of the cars on Jay Leno's list. "OH FUCK" Jakey quickly finishes his Motherfucker Burger, and grabs onto the streetlight across the parking lot from the car. Jakey swings from the streetlight, letting go to crash into the window. Jakey hotwires the car and drives it east. "OH SHIT" Jakey notices the second car on Jay Leno's list. Thinking quickly, Jakey flips the second car onto the roof of his car, and drives towards Jay Leno's. Halfway down the road, Jakey hears a siren. Being a responsible citizen, Jakey pulls over and stops his car. Deputy Orange walks up to Jakey's two-car pile-up. "do you know why i pulled you over" "not really" "i'm pretty sure it's illegal to drive with a second car on top of your car" "is it though" "hmm" Deputy Orange pulls out The Big Book of Laws, and heads to the traffic section. "hmm i guess not" "can i go now" "i guess so" Jakey pulls out and drives to Jay Leno's. "hey thanks bro have some respect" "thanks" Michelle stumbles out of the top car, dizzy from being flipped. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jay Leno t-shirt/Crazy Svart missions/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 034: Scalpel [Doctor Vladimir]
"hello jakey are you here to see doctor vladimir" "totally" "okay" Kathy rings for Doctor Vladimir. "hello comrade jakey i am being working on single patient for long time now" "what's the problem" "hospital is not being letting me do invasive surgery on patient; something about patient being opposed to invasive surgery because of religion" "what an absolute cunt" "da" Doctor Vladimir sighs. "comrade jakey i need you to be distracting doctors while i am doing invasive surgery" "yes sir" "ah is good that you are helping with this problem" Doctor Vladimir heads to the patient's room. "i can't do it any more guys" Jakey grabs Kathy's pen. "I CANNOT DO IT GUYS" "jakey what" "GOODBYE CRUEL HOSPITAL" Jakey stabs himself in the gut with Kathy's pen. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Kathy runs around in circles with her arms above her head. "CALL 911 SOMEONE HELP" The chief doctors rush in and grab Jakey, running him into a hospital bed. Kathy follows close behind. "kathy" Jakey coughs. "if i don't make it, i want you to have my stuff" "i have so many mixed feelings right now" "i do have a lot of stuff" "i mean a full set of stevo dolls goddamn" "i want them to go to someone who would appreciate them" "and no one would appreciate them more than kathy" Kathy points to herself with her thumb. "totally" "oh no you'll be fine" "oh" Kathy sighs. "fuck" "you have accelerated healing or something?" "i do?!" "we just need a blood sample an-" "NO" Jakey goes into the foetal position. "MY BLOOD" "but sir we-" "NO IT'S MINE YOU CAN'T HAVE IT" "then i'm afraid we have no choice" The doctors leave and lock the door. "you can't come out until you give us your blood" "what about me!!!" "fuck off kathy" "no" "fuck" "how will we ever get out we're trapped forev-oh look a vent" Jakey and Kathy crawl out of the vent. "wait no don't do that nooooooooo" The vent leads out fifty feet over a dumpster. Unfortunately, a garbage truck has taken the dumpster, and they hit tar. "ow" "pain" "oh hey i'm healed" "i'm not" "oh" Jakey sweats. "um" Jakey pats Kathy repeatedly on the back. "there there" "comrade jakey comrade kathy i am sharing great news!!! operation was success!!!" "fuck yeah!!!" "ow my entire body" "looks like i will be having to perform invasive surgery on comrade kathy" Doctor Vladimir takes Kathy to the operating room, where her insurance pays for everything. The garbage truck places the dumpster back into its original location. Michelle pops out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/doctor outfit]

Mission 035: Help Wanted [Chef Amiee :3]
"oh man oh fuck" "hello" "JAKEY HORRIBLE NEWS THE PHOTOGRAPHER ISN'T HERE" "wat" "the newspaper guy was supposed to send a photographer here to give me free publicity but he isn't here" Chef Amiee :3 shoves a camera into Jakey's hands. "TAKE PICTURES OF ME IN FRONT OF ALL OF MY RESTAURANTS" Jakey drives Chef Amiee :3 to her seven restaurants (Chef Amiee :3's Food Place, Motherfucker Burger, Motherfucker Pizza, Motherfucker Taco, Motherfucker Chicken, Motherfucker Ice Cream, and Motherfucker Pancake) and get pictures while being chased by carnies on unicycles chucking balloon animal bombs. "a-hyuk y'all can' go aroun' an' mon'polise that thar food business lady" "we's gonna stops y'all from runnin' us out o' business ya hear" "how'll i be able t' feeds m' kids if'n y'all're takin' away all my food cust'mers" "Y'ALL COME BACK NOW YA HEAR" "STEP ON IT JAKEY" "Y'ALL'S AIN'T NEV'R GON' GETS 'WAY FROM US A-HYUK" At Motherfucker Chicken, the yokels catch up to Jakey and Chef Amiee :3. "A-HUK WE'S GOTS Y'ALL" "NOW YER GON' PAY FER WHAT Y'ALL BE DOIN' T' BILLY JOE, RUFUS, BOBBY ZEKE, BILLY JEAN, WILLY BOB, UNCLE KYLE, JEREMY, FRAIBEL, RALPH, BILLY DAN, MARGARET, BILLY BILLY BANANA FANNA FO-FILLY, BOSCO, THOMAS, JEFFEREY, BORIS, TYRONE, MABEL, TIMOTHY, VICTOR, VERONICA, EDWARD, JONATHAN, JOSEPH, JOSE, CARLOS, JAQUES, MICHAEL, JULIAN, MARY BETH, PHYLLYP, JIMMY GEORGE, STOUOURT, JESSICA, SPONGEBOB, PAUL, RAUL, RICHARD, ALFRED, SAMUEL, MAXWELL, ANTONIO, AND NATHANIEL" "that is a lot of people we have wronged" "i'm going to hell aren't i" "yeah we planned a holiday next week there" "oh right" "HEY GUYS WHAT'S UP" Sheriff Antony swings in from a vine. "oh hey sheriff antony nothing is happening; just some circus folk trying to kill us" "they look more like carnies to me" "isn't that the same thing" "nah; circuses are scary for children, but carnivals are just scary for your wallet" "ah" "also you're under arrest, carnies" "what" "why" "jaywalking" "FUCK" Sheriff Antony cuffs all of the carnies and books them for jaywalking. "you make me sick, carnies" "i may kill a lot of people, but i would NEVER jaywalk" "traffic lights and crosswalks are there for a reason" "it's what separates us from the animals" "okay so you get those pictures to the daily bugle; i'll go do owner things" Chef Amiee :3 hops onto her invisible motorcycle. "vroom vroom" Chef Amiee :3 speeds off towards Chef Amiee :3's Food Place. Jakey hops into his Super GT and heads to the Daily Bugle. "hey jakey; here to see jameson" "you know it kathy" Kathy rings Jakey in, and he gives the photos to Jameson. "JAKEY WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE" "r-robby said" "oh" Jameson reluctantly takes the pictures. "fucking robby" Jameson rolls his eyes. "GO OUT THERE AND GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN" Jameson shuffles through the pictures. "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE" "but-" "YOU'RE FIRED" "again?!" Jakey walks out of Jameson's office and heads to the street, where Spider-Man drops off Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Spider-Man t-shirt/Daily Bugle press badge/Sheriff Antony missions/Jameson missions]

Mission 036: Clincally Insane [Crazy Svart]
"JAKEY LOOK" Crazy Svart points across the street to Crazy Barry's Used Autos. "THOSE DEALS ARE CRAZY" "that means a lot coming from crazy svart!!!" "I KNOW RIGHT" Crazy Svart sighs. "jakey, i can't make my deals any crazier without first becoming crazier" "you don't mean" "i do" Crazy Svart hands Jakey his most hated pointy stick. "jakey, poke me with it" A single tear streams down Crazy Svart's face. "it's the only way" "but" A single tear slowly works its way down Jakey's left cheek. "this may cause a singularity" "it's a chance we have to take" "no one man can be that crazy!!!" "JAKEY DO IT OR I WILL GET RID OF BENEFITS FOREVER" Jakey gasps. "wait what about benefits" Kathy heads outside. "UM NOTHING" Jakey begins poking Crazy Svart furiously with the stick. "ow quit it" Jakey stops. "NO DON'T QUIT IT YOU CANNOT LISTEN TO ME WHILE I AM BEING POKED BY THAT AWFUL STICK" Jakey continues poking Crazy Svart with the stick. "NO STOP PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP" Crazy Svart falls to his knees, a geyser of single tears pouring out of his eyes. The poking goes on for hours; for days, until Crazy Svart is nothing but a man lying on the floor. "d-did it work" "hello jakey nice weather we are having" Crazy Svart walks over to the sign and writes "all cars 75% off". Kathy grabs Jakey's shoulders. "WHAT DID YOU DO" "it was the only way to compete with crazy barry" "may god help us all" Michelle slides down the flagpole. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/discount on used cars]

Mission 037: Anniversary Special [Crazy Svart]
"hey crazy svart i-" "AND WELCOME BACK TO CRAZY SVART'S TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA" "but you've only been in busines-" "I HAVE A SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU" A curtain slides away to reveal a row of used cars. "EVERYONE GETS A FREE CAR" The audience bounces up and down in their seats. "YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR" "do i get a car" "YES" "WOOHOO" "crazy svart no stop this is horrible business" "I'M TOO CRAZY TO CARE" "crazy svart no if you continue giving out free cars you'll have to cut our benefits" A single, glistening tear streams down Kathy's soft, pale cheek. "i can't go back" Kathy turns and grabs Jakey, pressing her face deeply into his shirt. Single tears stain Jakey's shirt as a torrent of them unleash from Kathy's eyes. His shirt drenched, Jakey solemnly pats Kathy on the back repeatedly. "i'm going to fix this" Jakey walks up to Crazy Svart. "AND JAKEY I SAVED THE BEST VEHICLE FOR YOU" Another curtain rises to reveal Crazy Svart's favourite vehicle, The Motherfucker. "..." Jakey's eyes open wide, a single tear streaming down his face. "t-the motherfucker?!" Sunlight shines off The Motherfucker's chrome rims. The Motherfucker's metallic yellow body glistens silently, as if beckoning to Jakey. Jakey's eyes light up, for he now has what he has always wanted. Jakey turns to Kathy, who is on her fourth box of tissues. "fuck" Jakey grabs Crazy Svart, and, with no small amount of hesitation, pours a vat of Dr. Pepper onto him. Dazed, Crazy Svart slowly comes to his senses. "ugh what happened" "you drove crazy barry out of business then gave everyone free cars" "WHAT" Crazy Svart runs to everyone and steals the keys. "NO NOT ON MY WATCH" Kathy's face lights up, as she knows her benefits have been spared. "jakey thank you for saving my business" Crazy Svart plays with the keys to The Motherfucker in his hands before handing them to Jakey. "thank you for everything" A wave of single tears rushes from Jakey's eyes down to the ground. A warm embrace finds its way to both Crazy Svart and Kathy. Michelle honks the horn of The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Motherfucker replaces vehicles in missions/The Motherfucker spawns at Jakey's safehouses]

Mission 038: Fault Lines [Deputy Orange]
"jakey doctor vladimir called; someone has cancer" "oh dear" "you need to protect me until he gets over it!!!" "that could take years!!!" "hey just because i'm to blame for him getting cancer doesn't mean it's my fault" "..." "..." "yes it does?" "NO JAKEY" Deputy Orange spins around, crossing his arms. "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT" A single tear forms in Deputy Orange's eye. "i have the hardest job of all" The single tear falls out of Deputy Orange's eye, and streams down his face. "i can't be held accountable for everything that i am to blame for" "but-" "JAKEY ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING" "i wish i could say i weren't" Deputy Orange sighs. Jakey glances out the window to see an army of Robert Truckdriver clones. "Deputy Orange Why Did You Do It" "Robert Truckdriver Twelve Had A Full Life Ahead Of Him" "Now He Will Never Fulfill His Destiny" The Robert Truckdriver clones light Deputy Orange's house on fire. "OH GOD THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE" "yes" Deputy Orange runs around the kitchen with his arms above his head. "AM I ON FIRE" "no" "oh" Deputy Orange stops. "well this is embarassing" "you have only yourself to blame" "Deputy Orange If You Can't Stand The Heat Get Out Of The Kitchen" "Ouch Good One Robert Truckdriver" Deputy Orange reaches for the fire extinguisher. "EAT FOAM" Deputy Orange sprays the fire extinguisher out the window, then leaps out the broken window. Jakey takes the front door. "this will come in handy" Jakey then leaps out after Deputy Orange. "NOW YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR NEFARIOUS DEEDS" "But Deputy Orange, You Are To Blame For All Of Our Deeds, Nefarious Or Otherwise" "FUCK" "he's got you there bro" "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck" Uninterested, Robert Truckdriver 5 and Robert Truckdriver 7 continue their game of backgammon. "Knight To E Five" "You Sunk My Battleship" Robert Truckdriver 7 victoriously takes his lighter and lights Rober Truckdriver 5's battleship on fire. "You Were An Admirable Soldier" Robert Truckdriver 5 salutes his melting battleship. Robert Truckdriver 11 drops a live grenade onto the board. "It Is Now Time For Sudden Death" Robert Truckdriver 5 rolls his dice, rolling a natural 20. "Suck On That, Robert Truckdriver" Robert Truckdriver 5 flicks the spinner, getting a five, then moves his piece five spaces, where his thimble has to go down a chute. "Nicely Played, Robert Truckdriver, But I Still Have An Air Strike Left" "Oh The Humanity" Robert Truckdriver 7 unleashes his air strike, destroying all of Robert Truckdriver 5's houses and hotels. Robert Truckdriver 11 shoves the pin back into the grenade. "We Have A Winner" "This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life" "But Wait" Robert Truckdriver 5 flips over a card. "You Have Activated My Trap Card" Robert Truckdriver 5 takes advantage of his trap card's effects, and draws the final piece of Exodia, The Forbidden One. "My Life Is A Never Ending Spiral Of Torment And Misery" "You Said It, Robert Truckdriver" Michelle runs out of the burning house, lit afire. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/spiral t-shirt/cancer t-shirt/Deputy Orange's door appears at safehouses]

Mission 039: The Blame Game [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i need a new house" Jakey looks at the rubble of Deputy Orange's former home. "i don't see why" "but-" "it suits you so well" "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck" Jakey and Deputy Orange head to Homez Я Us. "hello" Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing the same stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum as always. "would you like a house" "fuck yes" Taylor presses a button, and the three of them are teleported to a house that is for sale. "check it bro" "deputy orange this house is great you should get it" "it doesn't have a ceiling" "what's better than sleeping under the stars" "the walls ooze green slime" "chef amiee :3 loves green slime and uses it in all of her decorating" "there isn't a bathroom" "there wasn't one in your old house either" "i stepped on the wrong board and fell into the basement" "rapid travel?! fuck it now i want this house" Jakey gives Taylor a cheque. "okay sir let's look at a second house" Taylor warps the three to a second house. "OH FUCK THIS HOUSE IS HORRIBLE" "but it is the most structurally sound thing ever jakey" "that is not a good quality for a house" "it has all of the rooms a house needs" "a house only needs one room dude" "i can also afford it!!!" "dude you can do better" "fine" "psst taylor i want it" Jakey hands Taylor another cheque. "okay final house" Taylor warps the three to the final house for sale. "oh fuck i love the location" "this house screams 'deputy orange'" "i know right" Deputy Orange marvels at the tent that is sitting on top of the rubble from his previous house. "i'll take it" "that will be $10000000000000000000000000" "it's a steal" Deputy Orange shoves all of his money at Taylor. "thanks bro" Taylor warps back to Homez Я Us. "thank you for convincing me to wait for this house jakey" "it was certainly no problem" Deputy Orange heads into his new tent, kicking Michelle out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/good safehouse/horrible safehouse]

Mission 040: Cease and/or Desist [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we have to issue a cease/desist to jay leno" "why" "he has a segment called 'jaywalking' which trivalises the law against jaywalking" "he is a menace and must be stopped" "i now deem you our newest rookie" Sheriff Antony walks over to the gun cabinet, and takes all of the guns. "let's do this" Jakey and Sheriff Antony head to Jay Leno's studio. "Hello, sir. We are currently recording an episode of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. May I please see your tickets?" Sheriff Antony shows George his badge. "alabama national sheriff" "and i am a rookie" "Sorry, sir. Without a warrant, I cannot let you inside." "FUCK" Sheriff Antony and Jakey shuffle off to the side of the building, where they plant a bomb. "do you know how to use bombs" "not really" "oh well" Sheriff Antony lights the bomb on fire, and he and Jakey run away. The exposion takes out the wall, and the two run inside. "JAY LENO YOU MUST STOP THIS THING" "what" "YOUR TELEVISION PROGRAMME TRIVIALISES JAYWALKING" "but jaywalking is a laughable crime" "DIE MOTHERFUCKER" Sheriff Antony fires all fifteen of his revolvers at Jay Leno, killing him. "motherfucker" The entire crowd surrounds Jakey and Sheriff Antony. "oh fuck" "that wasn't nice" The crowd slowly advances towards the two menacingly. Jakey and Sheriff Antony fire their guns randomly, killing the entire crowd. "WE HAVE LAWS FOR A REASON" "yes" Sheriff Antony sits down in the audience seats. "if the people can't take jaywalking seriously, what hope does the world have" "none" Sheriff Antony sighs. The entire police department enters the hole in the wall, and lifts Jakey above their heads, cheering. "for he's a jolly good rookie for he's a jolly good rookie for he's a jolly good rookie" The crowd chucks Jakey into the ceiling and walks off. Michelle comes out from under Jay Leno's desk and straightens her skirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/rookie t-shirt]

Mission 041: Does Whatever a Spider Can [Jameson]
"hey jameson i-" "JAKEY WHERE ARE THOSE PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN" "here they are sir" Jakey hands Jameson pictures of Spider-Man drinking a glass of milk. "..." "..." "what" At a loss for words, Jameson just sits and stares into space. "jakey you broke jameson" "i did?!" "jakey you're fired again" "fuck" Jakey pulls another set of pictures out of his pocket. "i didn't want to give these to you yet but..." Jakey hands Jameson pictures of Spider-Man eating a piece of dry toast. "..." "..." Jameson's eye begins to twitch. "I MEANT TO GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN DOING EXCITING THINGS" "drinking a glass of milk isn't exciting?" "NO IT IS NOT JAKEY" "i beg to differ" "YOU'RE FIRED" "goddammit" Jakey dejectedly shuffles out of the Daily Bugle offices. Jakey spots Spider-Man swinging overhead, and hops into The Motherfucker. Jakey tails Spider-Man to Groceriez Я Us, where he gets some pictures of Spider-Man beating up some robbers. "gee" Jakey continues tailing Spider-Man to Cellphonez Я Us, and gets pictures of Spider-Man buying the iPhone 5. "oh man jameson will be so proud of me" Spider-Man then engages in some car-surfing, of which Jakey gets loads of pictures. Jakey then heads back to the Daily Bugle. "jameson i have so many pictures and they are all very good" "i doubt it" Jakey hands Jameson all of his pictures. "oh fuck these are amazing" "i still can't believe spider-man uses apple products" Jameson sets the pictures down on his desk. "yeah they're okay i guess" Jameson flicks a quarter at Jakey. "FUCK YES A RAISE" Jakey struts out of Jameson's office. "hey kathy want to go on a date" "as long as you pay for everything" "naturally" "it's a date then" Michelle walks out of Jameson's office, dejectedly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$0.25/Kathy missions]

Mission 042: Spins a Web of Any Size [Jameson]
"JAKEY GET IN HERE" "i don't have any more pictures f-" "NEVERMIND THAT" Jameson puts on his hunting cap and vest. "we're hunting spider-man" Jakey sweats. "KATHY YOU'RE COMING TOO" "joy" Jameson pumps his shotgun. "it's on" Jakey and Kathy climb to the top of the building across the street from the Daily Bugle and tie one side of Jameson's net to it. Jameson ties the other side to the Daily Bugle and chucks a tape recorder into the centre of it. "HELP ME HELP PLEASE GOD HELP" Spider-Man swings directly into the centre of the net. Jakey and Kathy untie their half and chuck it to Jameson, then zipline across to the other building. "NOW WE WILL UNMASK SPIDER-MAN" Jameson grabs Spider-Man's mask and pulls it off to reveal... SPIDER-MAN. "why are you wearing two masks" "i like to plan ahead" Spider-Man kicks Jameson into the air conditioner. "well bye dudes" Spider-Man swings off. "goddammit spider-man" A single tear streams down Jameson's face. "why must life always be so hard" Kathy pats Jameson lightly on the back. "there there" Michelle struggles out of the net. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Spider-Man mask/hunting cap/hunting vest]

Mission 043: Catches Thieves Just Like Flies [Jameson]
"JAKEY GET IN HERE" "uh-oh" Jakey cautiously steps into Jameson's office. "I HAVE FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO CATCH THAT RASCALLY SPIDER-MAN" "uh-oh" Jameson dons a ski mask and grabs a glue gun. "FOLLOW ME" Jakey and Kathy follow Jameson to a jewelry store, where he glues their feet to the ground. "hey" "that wasn't nice" Jameson then holds up the jewelry store, receiving 1,359.27 Alabama Fun Bux. Jameson then glues everyone in place. "STOP THIS IS THE POLICE" Sting exits an armoured van. "COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP" Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland point their shotguns at the jewelry store. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE" Jameson glues The Police in place. "fuck" Thinking quickly, Sting dislodges his socks and sandals to reveal moonshoes. "giant steps are what we take" Sting smirks. "walking on the moon" Sting bounces after Jameson, who attempts to reglue Sting, but Sting bounces out of the way. "i hope my legs don't break" Sting winks. "walking on the moon" Spider-Man swings out while Jameson is distracted, and kicks him in the head. "thanks spider-man" "any time sting" Sting grabs Jameson and takes him to prison. "yeah i did a great job; no loose ends dootdootdoot" "they're not coming back are they" "nope" Jakey and Kathy sit down on the sidewalk, their legs still glued in place. "sigh" Michelle rolls up in a firetruck, and sprays Jakey and Kathy with the fire hose. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Diamonds t-shirt/The Police t-shirt/Sting missions]

Mission 044: Look Out [Jameson]
"JAKEY YOU HAVE GOT TO GET ME OUT OF PRISON" "but busting out of prison is illegal" "WHAT SINCE WHEN" "1962" "KATHY IF YOU DON'T BUST ME OUT OF PRISON I WILL CUT YOUR BENEFITS" Kathy gasps, a single tear streaming down her face. She begins using Jakey as a battering ram into Jameson's cell. "THAT'LL NEVER WORK YOU HAVE TO DO IT LIKE YOU'D ROB A BANK" Kathy falls to her knees, a single tear working its way out of each eye. "PLEASE DON'T CUT MY BENEFITS JUST GIVE ME TIME" "FINE WHATEVER" "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU" "kathy we will need an elite crew" "okay" Jakey and Kathy make a bunch of calls on their cell phones, then change into all-black jailbreak outfits. Within the hour, a bus comes down the street, carrying the crew for the mission: Salmonbeard, Adam Sandler, Jakey, Adolf Hitler, and Sheriff Antony. "arrrgh cap'n we be ready to be breakin' this scallywag out o' jail" "totally" "what's the plan" "follow me" Jakey climbs up a drainage pipe to the roof of the prison. "adolf hitler get me the cutting torch" Adolf Hitler hands Jakey the cutting torch, and he cuts a hole in the vent cover. "hup" Jakey drops into the vent and navigates his way to Jameson's cell. "okay adolf hitler, adam sandler, and jakey; you go back and distract the guards somehow" Jakey hands Jakey some banana peels. "let's do it" "this plan is wunderbar" Jakey uses the cutting torch to open the grate above Jameson's cell. "psst jameson; it's me" "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH" "BE QUIET YOU ASSHOLE THIS IS A BREAKOUT" "oh right" Sheriff Antony lassos Jameson and pulls him up into the vent. Salmonbeard throws a Jameson manequin onto the bed. "arrrrgh it be good cap'n" Jakey grabs the vent cover and replaces it, welding it in place while Kathy and Sheriff Antony lead Jameson to safety. Jakey and Salmonbeard head the opposite way to check on the distraction party. "psst jakey how's it going" "the guards have all fallen and adolf hitler disabled the security system" "sweet" "how's jameson" "he's with kathy" "uh-oh" "let's meet up on the roof in five" "five what" "good question" Jakey thinks for a moment. "five minutes?" "got it" Jakey and Salmonbeard head back to the roof through a different vent, meeting up with Kathy, Sheriff Antony, and Jameson. "are we all good" "totally" "it depends" "FINE YOU CAN HAVE YOUR BENEFITS BACK" "FUCK YES" "how touching" "..." "..." The Prince of Wales stands on the roof, clapping slowly. "WHAT i totally killed you" "no, for you see" The Prince of Wales smirks. "i tricked you into thinking i was dead" "fuck" The Prince of Wales takes out a remote. "however, that wasn't my only trick" The Prince of Wales presses the button on the remote, sounding the alarm. "within this minute, the rest of your team will be surrounded, and no amount of banana peels in the world can save them from the entire police force swooping in on them" Jakey shoves past The Prince of Wales and rushes to the team's aid. "WHAT HAPPENED" "the prince of wales tricked us" "AGAIN?!" "you're the sheriff!!! can't you stop them" "good idea" The Prince of Wales comes over the intercom. "oh, i forgot my third trick; you're not really the sheriff" The Prince of Wales smirks. "i am" Sheriff Antony gasps. "OH FUCK" "sheriff antony try it anyway" "fine" Sheriff Antony gets on the police radio. "false alarm dudes" "okay sheriff antony" "..." "..." "OH FUCK I FORGOT THAT I ALSO TRICKED THEM INTO THINKING YOU WERE SHERIFF" "ouch" "how embarassing" "no that was a trick i didn't really forget" "goddammit the prince of wales" Michelle casually cuts the lock on her cell and strolls over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/jailbreak outfit/A.N.A.L. missions]

Mission 045: Here Comes the Spider-Man [Jameson]
"hey robby got any work for me" "no, but i think jameson does" "FUCK" Jakey trudges into Jameson's office. "ah jakey just in time" Jameson puts his cigar out. "get kathy and hop in the car; i'll explain on the way" Jakey and Kathy begrudgingly get into Jameson's luxury sedan. "at least it's a nice car" Jameson hops into the driver's seat. "okay jakey; you have a friend who works in radio right" "... yeah" "great let's go" Jameson peels out of the parking lot and heads to the WOMF building. "hey kenneth lewis my crazy boss wants to use your radio station for something that presumably involves spider-man" "crazy svart?!" "no the other crazy one" "oh" Kenneth Lewis sighs. "lame" "we are going to hold a contest here for a metric tonne of spandex" "... jameson, that's brilliant" "yes" Kenneth Lewis revs up his microphone. "HEY HEY WELCOME BACK TO WOMF THE MOTHERFUCKER; we just got in a metric tonne of spandex and we're GIVING IT AWAY; first caller gets it" The phones ring immediately. "hello who is this" "spider-man" "hey hey you won the prize; come to the studio and pick it up" "FUCK YES" Kenneth Lewis hangs up the phone. "do you actually have a metric tonne of spandex" "yes" A helicopter drops of the metric tonne of spandex. "... oh" Kenneth Lewis sweats. "okay" Spider-Man swings into the studio. "OH MAN LOOK AT ALL THIS SPANDEX" "i know right" Spider-Man grabs as much spandex as he can hold in his two arms. "um" Spider-Man sweats. "how do i take all this home" "that's the question isn't it" Spider-Man puts down all of the spandex that he is holding. "why is life so hard" "you can give us a home address and we'll deliver it" "OH I HAVE A STORAGE UNIT IN HELL" Spider-Man hands Jakey the key. "it's number 666 thanks" Spider-Man swings off. "..." "..." "fuck" Jakey and Kathy sigh and begin loading the spandex into The Motherfucker. After all the spandex is loaded, Jakey and Kathy drive to Hell, careful to avoid the Alabama national police force, as posession of that amount of spandex is against the law. Arriving at Spider-Man's storage unit, they offload the spandex. "oh fuck look at all that spandex" "oh hey satan; it's for spider-man" "spider-man?!" Satan reels back in astonishment. "i hear he can do whatever a spider can" "i've heard the same" "well bye" Michelle walks out of Spider-Man's storage unit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Spider-Man jacket/Satan missions]

Mission 046: Vaginal Supremacy [Kathy]
"hello" "hello" "so where are we going" "chez motherfucker" "classy" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head to Chez Motherfucker. "hello" "hello" "hello" Jakey and Kathy follow the waiter to their table and sit down across from eachother. The waiter sets down two menus and a plate of breadsticks. Jakey quickly grabs a breadstick and jams it into his mouth. "mmf mmf mmf" "welp" "hello may i take your order" "i'd like a fondue" "i would also like a fondue" "okay" The waiter grabs the two menus and leaves. Jakey grabs a second breadstick and jams it into his mouth. "mmf" Jakey nods and motions to the plate of breadsticks. Kathy grabs one and gingerly chews on it. "OH SHIT" Kathy grabs the entire plate of breadsticks and holds it up to her mouth so that the breadsticks slide into her mouth. "welp" "i haven't eaten in weeks" The waiter returns with two fondues and sets them in front of Kathy and Jakey. "welp" "welp" Jakey grabs the salt shaker and unscrews the cap. Jakey turns the salt shaker over and pours its contents into his fondue. Kathy reaches into her purse and grabs a carton of eggs. One by one, Kathy breaks the eggs and pours the insides into the fondue. Jakey nonchalantly grabs the pile of discarded egg shells and cracks them up into small pieces before dumping them into his fondue. "hey those were mine" "shrug" Kathy sighs and pulls out her egg shell shaker, pouring its contents into her fondue. Jakey takes out a box of Cap'n Crunch and pours it into his fondue. "really" Kathy rolls her eyes and takes out a box of Honey-Nut Cheerios and pours it into her fondue. Jakey looks over Kathy's shoulder to see Professor Eif feeding an orphan into a meat grinder over a bowl of fondue. "now there's an idea" Kathy turns around. "oh fuck why didn't i think of that" Professor Eif smiles. "it's okay i brought enough for everyone" Jakey and Kathy hold their bowls underneath the meat grinder as Professor Eif feeds several orphans through it. The three return to their tables and enjoy their fondues. "that was the best meal ever" "i agree" The waiter returns with the bill. "so kathy i think we should split th-" Kathy teleports to The Motherfucker. "GODDAMMIT" Jakey reaches into his wallet and pays 256,983 Alabama Fun Bux for their meals, then heads to the car. "kathy that was super-rude" "thanks for the input" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives to Kathy's dwelling. Jakey marvels at the architecture on Kathy's cardboard box. "so can i come in" "... why" "for post-meal coitis" "well i want my cash upfront" "i have to pay?!" "i'd be a fool to just give it away" Kathy motions to the street corner. "those ladies are making so much money for sexual relations; i'd be a CHUMP to give it away for free" "fine how much" "100000000000000000000$" "WHAT" "prices non-negotiable" Kathy thinks for a moment. "i actually think i'm being generous" Jakey takes out his phone and looks at prices for sexual relations. "oh fuck you're right" Kathy smiles. "pay up" "do you accept checks" "and most major credit cards" Jakey reaches into his pocket and writes Kathy a cheque for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 Alabama Fun Bux. The two then enter Kathy's cardboard box, and Kathy adds Jakey's cheque to her safe, right next to her most priceless family heirloom, an autographed picture of John Stamos. The two then hop into bed and you know. "wow that was fun" "eh" Kathy lights a cigarette. Michelle pops her head up from under the sheets. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chez Motherfucker t-shirt]

Mission 047: Can't Live for Tomorrow [Kathy]
"hello" "hello" "do you know what day it is today" "um tuesday" "not even close" Jakey looks at his phone and notices that it's Saturday. "FUCK I OVERSLEPT" "you slept for ninety-six hours?" "apparently" "anyway do you know what today is" "saturday; we've been over this" Jakey rolls his eyes. "do you even pay attention" "i can't believe you forgot my birthday!!!" "..." "..." "you never told me your birthday to begin with" "..." "..." "oh" Kathy sweats. "well this is embarassing" Kathy kicks at a pebble. "did you at least get me a present" "um... yes?" "oh boy i love presents" "um here you go?" Jakey hands Kathy a shopping list autographed by Squidward. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" Kathy bounces up and down. "HOW DID YOU GET THIS" "i just had it lying around" Kathy carefully pins it to her wall of shopping lists. "squidward invented the shopping list" Kathy bats her eyelashes. "he is my hero" "i figured" "an unappreciated artist" Kathy smiles. "how can i ever repay you" "i'd like a lifetime supply of coitis" Kathy thinks for a moment. "i guess that's fair" Jakey hands Kathy a document notarised by King Jakey of Canada and King Bran of Alabama. "sign here and here and here" Kathy signs the document, legally requiring her to give Jakey free sex for life. "this is seriously cutting into my profit margins" "shrug" Kathy glances back at her newest item. "i guess it's worth it" Michelle reaches into her pocket and gives Kathy a coupon for a free oil change. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/signed document appears at safehouses]

Mission 048: Bureau of Trade [Kathy]
"hello kathy i-" "hello you have reached kathy's home please leave a message after the beep" "wel-" "AFTER the beep jakey" "bu-" "AFTER THE FUCKING BEEP" Jakey sweats. "beep" "so yeah i'm here because i think i left my stamp collection at your house" Kathy points to a sign, which reads "ALL ITEMS LOST MUST BE REQUISITIONED THROUGH FORM". "what" Jakey stands on his toes. "i can see it it's right over there" Kathy points to the sign again. "sigh" Jakey fills out the stack of forms and hands them to Kathy. Kathy points to the form deposit box. Jakey places all of his forms in the deposit box and looks up at a second sign, which reads "ALL REQUESTS WILL BE PROCESSED IN FOUR-TO-SIX WEEKS". "WHAT" "thank you have a nice day" "no" "what" "i refuse" "then i'm afraid i can't let you leave" Kathy walks to the flaps of her cardboard box and seals them with packing tape. "but-" "jakey i do not think you understand bureaucracy" "i understand it; i just hate it" "WHAT" Kathy drops her cardboard "#1 bureaucrat" mug, shattering it. "BUREAUCRACY IS AMAZING" Kathy stamps her foot. "IT IS CUNTS LIKE YOU WHO ARE FORSAKING PROGRESS JAKEY" "i can tell this is a touchy subject" "GET OUT" Kathy turns around and crosses her arms. "i can't you sealed the exit" "..." "..." "i now see the flaw in my plan" Kathy walks over to her cardboard bed. "I'M GOING TO BED" "i figured that out when you started heading for the bed" Jakey walks over to Kathy's cardboard desk and sits in her cardboard chair. Jakey slowly wheels the cardboard chair over to his stamp collection and grabs it. As he attempts to pull it back to his person, Kathy grabs his arm and twists. "ow ow ow fuck ow" "RESPECT THE BUREAUCRATIC PROCESS" "NEVER" Kathy grabs Jakey's shoulder and breaks his arm. "ow quit it" "no" Jakey grabs his hookshot and hookshots out of the handle of the cardboard box, broken arm still clutching his stamp collection. Kathy dives and grabs Jakey's legs, being pulled up with him. Jakey's arm heals itself, and Kathy starts climbing up Jakey's pants. "fuck off kathy" "no" "fuck" Jakey flips to the top of Alabama Tower, and Kathy flips onto her feet. "so it comes to this" "i guess so" Jakey dives off of Alabama Tower just as Professor Eif flies a plane into it. The tower collapses as Kathy slips and falls off of it. Jakey pulls the cord on his parachute, catching Kathy in midair. "hey" "what's up" "on you know just falling to my death" "sounds fun" "i've never done it before" "nor i" Michelle flies through the air in front of Jakey and Kathy, and is bounced back up by a bungee cord. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stamp collection appears at safehouses]

Mission 049: Behind My Camel [Sting]
"hello what is your business at the police station" "i'm here to see sting" Kathy presses the intercom button. "sting jakey's here to see you" "send him in" Jakey enters Sting's office. "jakey we need help" Sting grabs a piece of paper from the file cabinet and sits down at his desk. Jakey sits across from him. "the police force in the neighbouring nation of mojavistan is kind of shit; they need TRAINING" "okay" "you should do it" Jakey thinks for a moment. "come on your time on the force was pretty great (not too great though)" "fine" "take kathy with you" "why" "she needs to train the secretaries come on get your head in the game man" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head for Mojavistan. "i've never seen to mojavistan before; is it nice" "so long as you avoid the cavern of incredible pain, sure" "yeah i understand why that could be unpleasant" "they make you buy souvenirs" "OH MY GOD" Kathy quickly rolls down her window and throws up outside. "i know right" The Motherfucker passes The Cavern of Incredible Pain. Spear guy waves. Jakey shudders. Arriving at Mojavistan Police Academy, the two hop out of The Motherfucker. "OKAY EVERYONE IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE; SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS" Kathy leads the secretaries into the next lot over. "NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY" "fifty what" "compliments" Jakey turns around quickly. "so um hey" "hey" "i'm here to like train you or some shit?" "okay" "LET'S GO TO THE OBSTACLE COURSE" "we don't have one of those" "..." "..." "it all makes sense now" Jakey hastily constructs an obstacle course using debris and some things in The Motherfucker's trunk. "OKAY LET'S GO GO GO GO" The recruits climb over The Wall of Many Splinters, run through The Field of Much Unstable Ordinance, bridge The Moat of Angry Crocodiles, fall into The Pit of Ferocious Tigers, and wind up at The Cavern of Incredible Pain. "hello" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" All of the recruits run away. "YOU WILL NEVER SURVIVE AS A POLICE OFFICER LIKE THIS" Jakey grabs the recruits and throws them into The Cavern of Incredible Pain. "MAKE IT STOP" "I DON'T WANT TO BUY SOUVENIRS" "I'M ALLERGIC TO SOUVENIRS" "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE" The recruits solemnly exit The Cavern of Incredible Pain. "i no longer have any will to live" "that's great now you can be an amazing policeman" "joy" Kathy leads her recruits to The Cavern of Incredible Pain. "hello" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Spear guy grabs the secretaries and chucks them inside. All of them suffer from simultaneous heart attacks. "they'd never make it as secretaries anyway" Michelle exits The Cavern of Incredible Pain, covered in refrigerator magnets. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/police uniform/tiger t-shirt]