A Thing (2013)

Mission 075: Immunity to Cher's "Believe" [King Bran]
"jakey i need you to go on a diplomatic mission to the nation of chicago" "i don't have the proper equipment i'm afraid" "oh right" King Bran rummages through his drawers, grabs a pendant, and gives it to Jakey. "this pendant will give you diplomatic immunity and some other shit" "oh cool" "take my receptionist with you" Kathy holds up a sign that says "ME". "okay" Jakey and Kathy get into the Alabama Noncommittal Air Lift, and fly to Chicago. "hello we will escort you to our king" "hup" The secret service lifts the Alabama Noncommittal Air Lift to Chicago Hall, where Jakey and Kathy are escorted to King Stan. "hello" "hello" "why are you here" "A DIPLOMATIC MISSION" "what kind" "..." "..." "just a second" Jakey takes out his phone and calls King Bran. "did you have a certain diplomatic mission in mind" "nah i'm not picky" "okay" Jakey turns off his phone. "we want to give you this statue" Jakey motions to Chicago Tower. "but that's ours" "oh" Jakey sweats "can i have it" "okay" "here you go have a tower" Jakey gestures to Chicago Tower. "THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE" King Stan writes a cheque out for 15,000,000 Alabama Fun Bux to Jakey. "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS" Kathy walks up behind Jakey and taps him on the shoulder. "i have to get home soon can you take me home" "oh sur-" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Michelle dives and tackles Kathy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pendant/Chicago Tower t-shirt/$15,000,000/Alabama Government salary ($1,442/week)]

Mission 076: Immunity to the Ever-Tricky Seven/Ten Split [King Bran]
"hello king bran do you have any jobs for me" "nope" "oh" Jakey sighs and heads outside. Jakey takes a seat on the steps and his phone rings. "JAKEY MY COUSIN LET'S GO BOWLING" Jakey sweats, knowing that Blakey is a master bowler. "I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE" "assemble your team and meet me at the bowling alley in chicago" "OKAY" Jakey calls Kathy, Magentabeard, and Stu, telling them to meet him at the bowling alley. "OKAY LET'S GET THIS STARTE-wait where-" Blakey hits Jakey on the head with a bowling ball. "ow that hurt" "..." "..." "hey guys i'm ready to bo-" Blakey spins around and smacks Kathy with the bowling ball, causing her to collapse. "stop it" "no" "arrrrrrrgh cap'n i be ready for so-" Blakey chucks his bowling ball at Magentabeard. "dude quit it" "no" "i've lost control of my life; time to bowl!!!" Blakey pulls out a second bowling ball and pelts Stu with the bowling ball. "OH THAT IS IT" Jakey rips off his bowling shirt. "YOU CAN ATTACK ME, THE WOMAN I'M IN A VAGUE RELATIONSHIP WITH, MY CREW, BUT WHEN YOU ATTACK STU, THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE" Jakey grabs Blakey and slams him against a wall. "fuck off jakey" "no" "fuck" Jakey chucks Blakey into the air, then leaps at Blakey and punches him. "please stop" "no" Blakey falls to the ground, and Jakey stomps on him from fifty feet in the air. "well fuck" Jakey grabs his bowling shirt, slings it over his shoulder, loads his friends into The Motherfucker, and drives off. Michelle grabs Jakey's shoulder from the back seat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bowling shirt/A.N.A.L. missions]

Mission 077: Northern Lights [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"arrrrrrrrgh cap'n i be ready to go home now" "arrrrrrrrrgh i be agreein' with cyanbeard cap'n" "this is good timing because i have diplomatic immunity" "arrrrrrgh we be ready to release the ship cap'n" "do it" "arrrrrrrrgh cap'n ye not be namin' a first mate" "oh good point" Jakey scans the room. "everyone form a huge circle" Everyone in the building forms a huge circle, and Jakey closes his eyes, sticks out his arm, and spins around. Jakey comes to a stop, his arm pointing at Kathy. "welp" "YESSSSSS" Kathy stomps around the room, excited for her presumed pay raise and better benefits. "ALL ABOARD" Jakey, Kathy, Ceruleanbeard, Cyanbeard, Fushciabeard, Indigobeard, Magentabeard, Mauvebeard, Ochrebeard, Onyxbeard, Pucebeard, Salmonbeard, Veridianbeard, and Violetbeard board the S.S. Hockey, leaving Jakey, CRLN-001, CYAN-002, FSHA-003, NDGO-004, MGNT-005, MAUV-006, OCHR-007, ONYX-008, PUCE-009, SLMN-010, VRDN-011, and VILT-012 to man the league while they're away. After shoving off, the United States Navy stops the S.S. Motherfucker. "stop you're not that cool" Jakey holds up his pendant. "I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY" A Navy seaman shoots the pendant out of Jakey's hands. "FUCK" Jakey sweats. "can someone go get that for me" "what" "i can't swim" "sigh" Kathy dives into the water, fighting off sharks and jellyfish to retrieve the pendant while Jakey and the rest of the crew fire on the Navy ship. "i got it" Kathy chucks the pendant to Jakey, then climbs back aboard the ship. "thanks" "fuck" "guess we've got to go home" The Navy ship leaves for the United States. "great job kathy!!!" "thanks" "i sure picked a great first mate!!!" "arrrrrrrrgh ye be a genius cap'n" "arrrrrrrrgh three cheers for cap'n jakey" "WHAT" Jakey gives Kathy a towel and shrugs. "WELP IT'S GETTING LATE TIME TO GO TO BED" "arrrrrrrrrgh cap'n it be 7:30" "fuck off violetbeard" "arrrrrrrrrgh" "fuck" Jakey gets into his bed and sleeps until noon. "oh man that was a great sleep" "i can imagine" Kathy, still slightly damp from her swim, sits on the deck shivering. "you have a bed on the ship you know" "WHAT" Kathy jumps up, dropping her towel. "WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME" "gee i assumed that door that said 'first mate' on it would have been a clue" Kathy cups her face in her hands and shakes her head. "i don't understand you jakey" "arrrrrrrgh land ho cap'n" "shiver me timbers ceruleanbeard" The ship crashes into the dock. "arrrrrrrgh we be here cap'n" "okay everyone head to our old place and i will meet you there" Everyone disembarks. Kathy and Jakey stay behind a moment. "jakey you need to learn to swim" "NO JAKEY IN HISTORY HAS KNOWN HOW TO SWIM AND I AM NOT ABOUT TO BE THE FIRST" "i'm sorry that this is such a touchy subject for you" Kathy walks off to follow the rest of the crew. Jakey leans on the railing and sighs. Michelle tugs on his shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/S.S. Motherfucker safehouse/Jakey missions/Canada Timber-Shiverers missions]

Mission 078: Who Says You Can't Go Home? [Jakey]
Jakey knocks on the front door of his parents' house. "JAKEY" "JAKEY" Jakey and Jakey embrace. "how did you get back to canada jakey" "i now have diplomatic immunity" "oh cool" "JAKEY" Margaret rushes to Jakey and wraps her arms around him. "I MISSED YOU SO MUCH" "hello mother" "did michelle come with you" "i think so" Jakey looks around the room. "you never know with her" "come in come in" Jakey enters the house, shutting the door politely behind him. "so what have you been doing for the last five years" "well i run the alabama national athletics league, am junior vice president of crazy svart's used autos and satan incorporated's joint venture, chief of marketing for the government of hell, chief toy guy for santa, idea guy for chef amiee :3's food place/motherfucker food joints, and a diplomat for the alabamanian government" "oh is that all" "oh i'm also an honourary rookie deputy, as well as a captain of a motley band of sailors" "sounds like you've been busy" "not really" Jakey sweats. "i mostly just run around and get into silly situations, only getting out through sheer force of dumb luck or deus ex machina" "it's good to know you're following in your father's footsteps" "OH JAKEY GUESS WHAT" "what" "I FINALLY FOUND A RECEPTIONIST FOR THE FAMILY BUSINESS" Jakey looks into the office to see Kathy holding a sign that says "did you really have to look". "she's great at her job but a shrewd negociator" "yeah she and i are in a vague relationship just like you and mother" "oh boy" "she's great breeding material" "that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me" A single tear streams down Kathy's cheek. Kathy embraces Margaret, and single tears stain both of their outfits. "thank you so much" "jakey would you like to rejoin the family business" "you mean providing canadians with free healthcare and working hard to make sure every canadian's life is filled with joy and breadsticks" "yes" "i guess so" "hoora" "kathy did i ever tell you that it was jakey the incredible that invented breadsticks" "every day i am filled with more and more knowledge about the jakey line that makes me wish i were a jakey" "i like your moxie kid" Jakey wraps one arm around Kathy, and pokes her chest with the index finger on his opposite hand. "stick with me and we'll do great things" "i doubt it" Michelle calmly walks into the house, her clothes shredded, and her skin torn. Blood trickles from her wounds as she collapses to the floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canadian Prince outfit/Jakey's parents' safehouse/Canadian Prince paycheck ($4,808/week)]

Mission 079: Home Sweet Home [The Canada Timber-Shiverers]
"arrrrrrrrrgh we be home cap'n beep boop" A single tear streams down Magentabeard's face as he looks at the headquarters of the Canada Timber-Shiverers. Ceruleanbeard puts his key into the keyhole, but it gets stuck. "ARRRRRRGH WHAT" "ARRRRRRRRRRGH" Pucebeard falls to the floor and tears his shirt, a single tear working its way down his cheek. "check it" Jakey climbs up the the roof, and punches in a vent. "arrrrrrrrgh but cap'n that be our only vent" "desperate times" Jakey gives his crew a thumbs-up, and dives into the vent. "someone should go in after him" "arrrrrrrrgh i would but i be too large to fit" "arrrrrrrrrrgh me too" "sigh" Kathy climbs up to the roof, and dives into the vent. "hello" "oh hey" "oh hey i remember you guys" "do you" "yeah like you're jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "OH GODDAMMIT JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "do you at least remember our names" Jakey shrugs. "FUCK YOU JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "jeff-" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "-'s shenanigans have cost us our jobs with the prince of wales" "thanks a lot jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "would you like to work for me" "only if you don't hire jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "actually if it's a choice between you and jeff-" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "i'd probably choose jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. Jeff leaps up and pumps his fists. "EVERYTHING'S COMING UP JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "then i'm afraid we have to leave" The guys who aren't Jeff leave while Kathy fixes the vent. "arrrrrrrgh thank ye cap'n we finally be gettin' our office back" "arrrrrrrrgh" "arrrrrrrrrgh who be this" "hello my name is jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "arrrrrrrrrrrgh hello jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "arrrrrrgh i be likin' this kid's moxie cap'n" "arrrrrrrrgh ye can be startin' by cleanin' up the place jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "arrrrrrgh i be seein' this kid goin' far cap'n" "i know right" Michelle pops up from a pile of trash. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canada Timber-Shiverers t-shirt/Canada Timber-Shiverers jacket/Canada Timber-Shiverers safehouse]

Mission 080: Fixing a Hole [The Canada Timber-Shiverers]
"man repairs are coming along so well" "arrrrrrrrrrrgh word cap'n" "hey what's this" Jakey walks over to a puddle of water and looks up. "why is there a hole in the roof" "fuck if i know" "can you fix it jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "okay" Jeff climbs a ladder to get to the ceiling, and sees The Prince of Wales pouring water into the building. The fake ceiling collapses. "I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THERE WAS A HOLE IN THE ROOF" "are you okay jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "yeah i think so" "I ALSO TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I HAD FIRED MY STAFF" The Prince of Wales' staff, sans Jeff, appears behind The Prince of Wales. "come over here jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "no" "wat" "i like working with jakey; he doesn't curse my name every time it's said" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THIS SURPRISES ME" "YOU FIEND" "well bye guys" The Prince of Wales waves, and leaves the building. "well that was nice" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I LEFT" "FUCK" "well bye again" The Prince of Wales leaves again. "welp" Jakey waits an hour, and gets a phone call. "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I HADN'T LEFT" "CURSE YOU" "p.s. your socks and sandals are unstrapped" "WHAT" Jakey looks at his feet. "HA I TRICKED YOU AGAIN" Jakey hears a dial tone. "how rude" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I HAD HUNG UP" "GODDAMMIT" Jakey hangs up and wallows for a while. Michelle rises from the large pool of water in the centre of the building, wearing her lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/snorkel]

Mission 081: Come Sail Away [The Canada Timber-Shiverers]
"jakey a client has requested to be sailed to hell and all of our sailors are out" "guess he'll have to wait" "he can't; a local boy told him to go to hell and he only has time right now NOW LET'S GO" Kathy shoves Jakey out the door and onto the ship. "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SAILING" "it's easy just turn the wheel to steer and shit; just like a car" "i don't know how to drive a car either kathy!!!" "but you drive the motherfucker all the time" "the motherfucker isn't a car, kathy; it's its own beast beyond classification!!!" "what about that super gt you used to drive" "HA the super gt can't be considered a car; it slides across the roads like it's on ice" "JUST SPIN THE WHEEL AND HOPE WE DON'T DIE" "yes, that is how you comandeer a super gt" "ARGH" Kathy grabs the ship's wheel, and begins steering towards Hell. Jakey looks over the side of the ship. "there's some dude drowning or something?" "throw him a circlefloater" Jakey throws a circlefloater into the water, and a man in a nice suit climbs aboard. "hey dude need a ride" "yeah man wow nice ferry" "thanks" "so where's this ferry heading" "hell itself" "sounds good" "here we are, hell itself" "i really like the red magnolia finish" "so, why are we here" "we've come to see the president of hell" "hey guys" "oh hey RANDOM ERECTION SYNDROME, what are you doing here" "oh, you know, just writing my webcomic" "here comes the bus" "i didn't know you owned a bus company" "i guess i've hidden it pretty well" Jakey walks up to hey! arnold. "you sure have" Jakey puts his hand on hey! arnold's shoulder. "loki" hey! arnold's face melts away, revealing his true identity. "dammit jakey now i have to wipe everyone's memory do you know how much energy that takes" Jakey thinks for a moment. "five-hundred-and-sixteen" "YES" Loki puts his hey! arnold disguise back on and wipes everyone's memory. "here comes the bus" "i didn't know you owned a bus company" "i guess i've hidden it pretty well" The client and the two men hop on the bus. "man i can't believe hey! arnold owns a bus company" "he did hide it pretty well" Michelle materialises with wings. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Len missions]

Mission 082: Lendfill [Len]
Jakey walks through the burning wreckage of Len's house. "what's up len" "oh hi jakey" Len sits in the remains of his nice leather chair, behind the remains of his nice wooden desk. "my house blew up" "i knew something was different" "jakey i need you to catch the man responsible for this" Len grimmaces. "or rather the sentient article of clothing responsible" "uh-oh you don't mean" Len nods solemnly. "fuck" "you'll need backup" "i agree" "take kathy" "yes i imagined that is what would happen" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker, and drive to Brucie's Hotel. "hello" "hello" "brucie is that you" "i used the money i made selling bootleg who gives a shit recordings and other miscelaneous junk to buy a fancy hotel from jeff mangum" "it is rather fancy" "it gets fancier by the day" Brucie nods approvingly. "we need to know what room belt is in" "belt?!" Brucie sweats. "belt is on the top floor; room 666" "uh-oh" "this can't be good" Jakey and Kathy get into the elevator, and hit the button for floor thirteen. The elevator stops at floor seven. "fuck" "guess we have to take the stairs" Jakey and Kathy rush up eight fleights of stairs. "pant pant" "wheeze" "help" "i'm dying" "i can't breathe" "i'm not going to make it kathy" "i'm not going to make it harder" "wanna bet" "YES" Jakey and Kathy both collapse. Belt exits his room, locking the door. "JAKEY" Belt rushes over to Jakey. "hi jakey it's been a long time how have you been" "fuck off belt" "that's not nice" "neither is blowing up len's house" Belt sweats. "that was all a misunderstanding" "i can imagine" "just give me another chance jakey please" "fuck off belt i don't love you like you love me" "why can't you love me i try ever so hard to make you happy" "i can't love you because you're a belt" "..." "..." "..." "at least i'm not a belt" "but you are literally a talking belt" "we talking belts are people too you know" "webster's defines 'person' as 'a human being as distinguished from an animal or a thing'" "ouch good one" Belt sweats. "just give me a chance jakey please i'll do anything you want" "i doubt it" "try me" "i want you to apologise to len" "..." "..." "but-" "belt if you don't apologise to len how do i know i can trust you" A single tear streams down Jakey's face. "i can't get hurt again belt" "okay, for you" Belt, Jakey, and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker, and drive to Len's house. "hey len i found him" "oh hello belt" "len i'm sorry i blew up your house" "GOOD" "it was totally an accident though" "really" "i was making fondue for jakey but got distracted by a phone call" "oh" Len sweats. "i forgive you" "sweet" Belt turns to Jakey. "belt i can't do this" "but jakey-" "when cummerbund died i promised myself i'd never love another talking belt again" "i'm not cummerbund" Belt inches closer to Jakey. "i'm not gonna die on you" "0/10" "fuck" Michelle lifts up a large slab of concrete and crawls out from under it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Belt/Brucie missions]

Mission 083: Hotel for Dogs [Brucie]
"jakey i am going to an important hotel guy meeting" "sounds important" "i know right" Brucie straightens his tie. "i need you and my receptionist to watch the place for me while i'm away" Jakey looks over his shoulder, and sees Kathy writing "you guessed it" on a huge chalkboard. "well goodbye forever" Brucie walks outside, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. "welp" "welp" Jakey sits in the captain's chair, and spins around. "hello do you own this hotel" "more or less" "can my protest group, terrific women assembling together, have a meeting here" Jakey flips through some ledgers. "it appears that we have an opening right now in that room there" Jakey points to the Endless Chasm of Torment. "sweet" The lady makes some calls, and soon the lobby is full of terrific women. "let's gooooooooo" Five terrific women enter the Endless Chasm of Torment. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "HELP" "jakey did you send them to the endless chasm of torment" "yes?" "... why" "i thought it was just a name" "well it is poorly named; it's not really torment; mild annoyance at best" "you learn something new every day" "did they at least pay for the room" "of course" "sweet" Kathy sits back down and begins filing her nails. Jakey puts his feet on Brucie's desk and leans back in the chair. "hey it's me i'm back how's the hotel" "not burnt to the ground" "you have exceeded my expectations jakey" A single tear slowly works its way down Brucie's cheek, getting lost in the I AM A GIGANTIC FAGGOT PLEASE RAPE MY FACE of his suit. "i would like to give you a permanent position here" "sweet" Michelle climbs out of the Endless Chasm of Torment, face bloody and scarred. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hotel salary ($577/week)]

Mission 084: Hotel for Cats [Brucie]
"JAKEY HURRICANE JERRY IS COMING FOR HELL" "hell gets hurricanes?" "sadly, yes" "welp goodbye" Jakey grabs his hat, and heads out the door, whistling badly. "wait!!!" "i'd rather not" "but i have a plan to make this hotel survive the hurricane!!!" "does it involve pushing it somewhere else" "... I HAVE AN EVEN BETTER IDEA" "..." "..." "fuck" Jakey calls up his crew and his robotic workforce. "arrrrrrrgh cap'n ye mean to be sayin' that we be pushin' this hotel out of hell itself then we be loadin' it onto our ship THEN we be sailin' it to canada?" "yes" "arrrrrrrrrrrgh this idea be brilliant cap'n" "beep boop probability of success: 100% boop beep" "beep boop probablity of partying: 100% boop beep" PUCE-009 pops the cork on a bottle of grog. "we have to push it THEN celebrate" "beep boop oh boop beep" PUCE-009 sweats. "beep boop how embarassing boop beep" "sigh" All twenty-seven of them push the building down the street, holding up traffic. Len hops out of his car. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "hurricane jerry is coming so we're pushing the hotel to canada" "I HAVE A BETTER IDEA" Len presses a button, and Hell itself sprouts legs and walks right next to Canada. "..." "..." "i'm okay with this" "should we push the hotel back" "nah just leave it here" The twenty-eight of them dust off their hands and party in the hotel, now located in the middle of a busy intersection. Magentabeard does barrel-stands, and depletes the entire stock of grog. Michelle tumbles down the stairs wearing a lampshade on her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canada Timber-Shiverers missions/A.N.A.L. missions/Len missions]

Mission 085: Don't Copy That Floppy [The Canada Timber-Shiverers]
"arrrrrrrrrrrgh cap'n we be under attack!!!" "fuck" Jakey hops onto the cannon platform, and scans for enemy vessels. "yo dog surrender yo ships and shit" "NEVER" "then i'm afraid i have no choice yo" A large cannon blast is fired at the building. The ball goes through the wall, and hits Jeff square in the chest. "JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO JEFF" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. Jakey fires the cannon randomly. "pant pant" Jakey scans the ocean, and doesn't see the enemy ship. Jakey dusts off his hands and turns around to see Blakey with his cutlass to Magentabeard's throat! "hello" "hello" "can i have the business" "no" "it appears we have reached an impasse" Blakey cuts Magentabeard's throat. "arrrrgh ye really think that be workin' matey beep boop" "wat" Magentabeard headbutts Blakey, and turns around to deliver the haymaker, when Carrie spills a bucket of water on him. "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh" Magentabeard pops and fizzles before falling to the ground. "MAGENTABEARD" Jakey rushes forward, but is held back by Puce Dog. "yo" "fuck" Puce Dog slowly spins himself and Jakey around to see the rest of Blakey's gang pointing their guns at Jakey's crew. "fuck" "so yeah can we have the business now" "what kind of captain would i be if i didn't go down with the ship" "good point" Blakey shoves his gun into Jakey's face. "goodbye, captain" Blakey starts to pull the trigger, but is kicked in the head by Sheriff Antony. "hello" "hello" Jakey elbows Puce Dog in the face, and grabs Blakey's gun. Jakey grabs Puce Dog, and uses him as a human shield. Sheriff Antony leaps over Blakey and grabs Carrie from behind. Kathy kicks Salmon Dog in the back of the knee, grabbing him and his gun. "so hey" "let's go get some tea" Jakey shoves Blakey into the ocean. "so long, captain" Jakey drops Puce Dog and heads to Jeff's side. "jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek. "i'm okay captain" "oh good" Jakey drops Jeff and straightens his tie. "good work jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. Jakey then heads to Megentabeard's side. "magentabeard" A single tear wells up in Jakey's right eye. Ochrebeard grabs his tool kit, and fixes Magentabeard's wet components. "arrrrrrrrrrgh he be good as new cap'n" "MAGENTABEARD" Jakey embraces Magentabeard. "arrrrrrrrrrrgh cap'n i be the unluckiest sailor in the world beep boop" "more like the luckiest" Magentabeard rubs Jakey's head like one would their son. The screen fades to black. Michelle pops out of the black abyss and rips the screen open. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/robotics t-shirt]

Mission 086: You Wouldn't Download a Car [The Canada Timber-Shiverers]
"arrrrrrrrrgh cap'n the prisoners in the brig be requestin' parlay" "fuck" Jakey trudges down to the brig. "so you guys wanted parlay" "word" Cerulean Dog steps up to the front of his cell. "yo can we join yo business" "why should i trust you" "yo we were just bein' paid by that whack-ass blakey fool" "he is rather whack" "word" Cerulean Dog sweats. "yo we could be a fuckin' asset to y'all if y'all provide us with a tidy salary and competive benefits package dog" Jakey sweats. "i'm already giving so many benefits out already" "come on dog" "what skills do you add to the table" "yo we can shoot shit and steal cars and shit" "yawn" "yo we can also fly planes into towers dog" "YOU'RE HIRED" Jakey unlocks the brig, and hands the men contracts. "sign here to begin working" "word" The men sign the contracts and hand them back to Jakey. "attention everyone; we have twelve more employees" "jakey we have more employees than we can handle right now" "fuck off kathy" "no" "fuck" "but it's cool because i'm sending them to work for the government" "oh cool" "so uh dogs head to my parents' house so we can like do shit" "word up" Cerulean Dog pounds his chest and leads his crew to Jakey's house. "that went well" "i agree jeff" A bolt of lightning strikes at the mention of Jeff's name. "i agree" Michelle scrapes her metal cup against the bars of her cell. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/metal cup appears at safehouses/Jakey missions]

Mission 087: Gregarious [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"beep boop captain our profits from sportsball are declining boop beep" "WHAT" "beep boop the utter dominance of the motherfuckers is boring the fans boop beep" "goddammit" Jakey waves his hand in a "come on" motion towards Kathy, and the two hop into The Motherfucker and ride to Professor Eif's lab. "good news jakey i totally just invented a delicious candy that warps to dimension x on contact with stomach acid, allowing the user to eat as much delicious candy as he/she wants" Jakey's eyes widen. "come let us feast" Professor Eif motions to a table of Motherfucker Bars. Jakey grabs all of the Motherfucker Bars, and shovels them into a giant pail. Jakey then hands the pail off to Kathy, who rushes it into The Motherfucker. "professor eif we need to talk" "uh-oh" "our profits are going down because the motherfuckers are dominating the league" "sorry to hear that" "we need you to make the motherfuckers less good" "NEVER" "it's either that or we disband the team" "i don't like either of those options" "sigh" Jakey snaps his fingers, and Kathy holds a cricket bat up to Professor Eif's streak-free windows. "YOU WOULDN'T" "try me" "okay go ahead" "..." "..." "fuck" Jakey throws down a smoke bomb, and he and Kathy rush outside with Professor Eif's streak-free windows. "GET BACK HERE" "I'D RATHER NOT" Jakey presses a button on the key to The Motherfucker, turning it into a truck. Professor Eif hops into his attack helicopter as Jakey and Kathy load the streak-free windows into The Motherfucker. Jakey and Kathy then hop into The Motherfucker, and Jakey stomps the gas. Kathy hops into the turret and opens fire on Professor Eif's attack helicopter. "that isn't nice" Professor Eif presses a button on his attack helicopter's console, dropping his patented "Break Everything That Isn't My Patented Streak-Free Windows" bomb on The Motherfucker. Jakey swerves, narrowly missing the explosion. "i knew i should have made more than one bomb" Professor Eif lowers the winch on his attack helicopter, attempting to rescue his windows. Jakey swerves to avoid the winch, but runs over Professor Eif's best Sportsball player, Fyllour. "welp" "fuck" "i guess you can have your windows back" "let us feast on delicious candy to celebrate" Professor Eif, Jakey, and Kathy set up a picnic table on Fyllour's corpse, and feast on Motherfucker Bars. Michelle grabs the picnic table with the attack helicopter's winch, and flies a hundred feet into the air. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Motherfucker Bars t-shirt]

Mission 088: Plagiarism [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"beep boop it turns out that fyllour was the most charismatic sportsball player to ever live and the fans are now boycotting the sport boop beep" "FUCK" Jakey and Kathy dejectedly hop into The Motherfucker and head to The Prince of Wales Memorial Cemetary. Jakey drives The Motherfucker through the funeral procession, running over everyone involved. Jakey and Kathy then get out of The Motherfucker, and chuck Fyllour's coffin into the back. "that went well" "i agree" "I Agree More" "fuck" Robert Truckdriver 8 waves. "Can We Have Fyllour's Corpse" "no" "Drat Foiled Again" The Robert Truckdriver clones trudge off, defeated. Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head to the hospital. "hey doctor vladimir can you revive this guy for us" "with science anything is being possible" Doctor Vladimir grabs Fyllour's corpse, and heads for the operating room. Jakey paces around the waiting room for hours, until Doctor Vladimir returns. "good news!!! i am having success!!!" Doctor Vladimir wheels out Fyllour. "was weird though because he was not being dead when i am operating on him" Fyllour grins and shrugs. "that's our fyllour" Everyone laughs. Michelle casually walks into the hospital with a harpoon sticking out of her chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/autographed Fyllour t-shirt]

Mission 089: Good 'n' Plenty [Len]
"bad news jakey" "great" "my father is sick" "what" "doctor vladimir says it may be terminal" "fuck" "let's go visit him" Len, Jakey, and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head to the hospital. "hello we're here to see satan" Kathy looks through her ledgers. "he's in room 66b" Jakey, Kathy, and Len rush to Room 66b, and find Doctor Vladimir going over some charts. "is not good comrade jakey" "you don't mean" Doctor Vladimir nods grimly. "he is having huge case of rectumrage" "it's worse than i thought" Len rushes over to Satan's side, a single tear slowly sliding down his cheek. "i still can't believe they like fucking natas more than me i mean he doesn't even fucking carry autograph cards" Satan reaches into his pocket and chucks autograph cards all over the room. "you're right doctor vladimir he is rectally wrecked" "only cure for rectumrage is time and apology from parents" "uh-oh" Kathy pulls out her cellphone and calls Satan's parents. "guys come quick to doctor vladimir memorial hospital santa is injured" Satan's parents teleport into Room 66b. "that isn't santa" "i want my money back" "but satan will die if you don't tell him he's cool" "i have ethics" "obviously not" "how dare-" "YOU SAY NATAS IS COOL BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN CARRY AROUND AUTOGRAPH CARDS" "WHAT" Satan's parents rush to Satan's bedside. "we're sorry satan you're totally cooler than that cunt natas" Satan springs to life. "this is the best day of my life" "now if you'll excuse us we need to punish our son" Satan's parents roll up their sleeves and stomp out. Len embraces his father, a single tear streaming down his face. A single tear streams down Satan's face, content with the knowledge that he is, in fact, pretty cool. Michelle falls through the ceiling tiles holding a human heart. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/human heart appears at safehouses/Satan missions]

Mission 090: Then, [Jakey]
"jakey our wizard has died" "not gandalf the magenta!!!" Jakey nods solemnly. "i need you and kathy to take his corpse and a willing host in order to perform the operation" "got it chief" Jakey and Kathy grab Gandalf the Magenta's stretcher and toss him into The Motherfucker. "hey who wants to be a wizard" "shit dog" Magenta Dog leaps out of his seat and hops into The Motherfucker. The three drive to Motherfucker Mountain, and carry Gandalf the Magenta's corpse into Motherfucker Cavern. "hello" "hello" Gandalf the Ochre appears in a puff of smoke. Jakey and Kathy begin coughing uncontrollably. "goddammit gandalf the ochre" "what brings you to motherfucker cavern" "gandalf the magenta is dead" "oh dear" "we need you to perform the operation" Gandalf the Ochre looks over at Magenta Dog. "this man will do nicely" Gandalf the Ochre picks up Magenta Dog and chucks him into the chair, strapping him in. Jakey and Kathy heave Gandalf the Magenta onto the opposite chair, strapping him in. Gandalf the Ochre pulls a lever, sending shockwaves through both Gandalf the Magenta's and Magenta Dog's bodies. "did it work" "my gut says... maybe?" "magenta dog how are you feeling" Magenta Dog disappears in a puff of smoke, reappearing next to Gandalf the Ochre. Jakey and Kathy cough uncontrollably. Gandalf the Magenta sits up. "sup dogs" "GANDALF THE MAGENTA" Jakey rushes over and embraces Gandalf the Magenta. "oh shit dog you're like bigger than you were last i saw you dog" "so many motherfucker pizzas" "speaking of motherfucker pizzas" Gandalf the Cerulean appears in a puff of smoke, causing Jakey and Kathy to begin coughing again. "fucking hell" "I GOT MOTHERFUCKER PIZZA" The friends sit down to eat, as the rest of the colour-coded wizards appear in different puffs of smoke, causing more coughing fits. "fuck" "hey bro can we have some jobs or something" "yeah i hate mountains" "go to hell" "okay" Michelle appears in a puff of smoke, and immediately begins coughing her lungs out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Motherfucker Mountain t-shirt/Motherfucker Cavern t-shirt/Magenta Dog is now half wizard in cutscenes]

Mission 091: Therefore, [Jakey]
"jakey check out my new time machine" "woah deja vu" "this baby's got it all" "jakey stop it" "anyway i need you and kathy to go back in time and mount an interrogation" "kathy's legs are too stubby to mount anything" "jakey focus" "how can i interrogate someone in the past anyway" "STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND JUST DO IT" "sigh" Jakey and Kathy hop into the time machine and go back in time a few days. "hel-" when the working day is done Jakey turns in disgust. "what the fuck is this music" oh girls they wanna have fu-un "it's our governemntie interrogation music" "turn that shit off!!!" oh girls just wanna have fu-un "how are we supposed to interrogate without tunes!!!" "put this on" Jakey hands the man a mix tape, and he puts it into the tape player as a man sleeps upsidedown. "who is this guy anyway" "hey! arno, notorious criminal mastermind" i was born under a bad sign "got it" left out in the cold "buh" "hello hey! arno" "what's going on where am i i can't see anything" "you're in a governemntie interrogation room" "oh god what did i do and was it really necessary to hang me upsidedown" "we have suspicions that you are involved in a terrorist plot to blow up the world" "no i'm not" "yes you are hey! arno and you'd better start talking" "hey! arno but i'm hey! arnold" "whoops" hey! arnold laughs aloud. "you got the wrong guy bro" "oh my god" A single tear streams down Jakey's face. don't come running to me "hey nice tunes" "thanks" Jakey looks outside and smirks at the DJ. "so can you let me go now" "uh i don't know" "what" Jakey looks at Kathy, who shakes her head. "my boss says you've got to stay here" "for how long" "eternity" "god that sucks" A single tear slowly works its way down hey! arnold's cheek as Jakey and Kathy leave the room. "i can't believe i'm stuck in a governemntie interrogation room for eternity" a fool for your loving no mooore "hey guy that wasn't hey! arno that was hey! arnold!!!" "oh" The chief sweats. "how embarassing" "you're fired" "but you work f-" "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE" "but this is my o-" "SECURITY" Security takes the chief away as Jakey sits in his chair and puts his feet up. "jakey there's a lot of noise coming from the interrogation room" "that's just coverdale" "but-" "if you want to find out so badly go in yourself" Jakey waves his hand dismissively. Kathy comes back in a minute later without arms. "it was just belt" "BELT?!" Jakey rolls up his sleeves and stomps into the interrogation room. "oh he's dead" Jakey heads back into the office. "nice job kathy" Jakey winks and points at Kathy as he heads to his chair. "thanks" Kathy glances around nervously. "hey do you know anywhere i can get my arms reattached" "you're in luck!!! i just so happen to have received an online degree for reattaching arms yesterday" "oh boy" "don't you worry your brain is in safe hands with me" "wait what" Jakey gets out his hacksaw and soldering iron when Michelle steps out of the interrogation room covered in Belt's organs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/online degree appears at safehouses/Kathy's brain in a jar appears at safehouses]

Mission 092: Thus, [Jakey]
"jakey help" "what is wrong jakey" "the nation of canada has too much money!!!" "oh dear" "we should spend it" "on what" "what do governments usually spend money on" "the national debt?" "we don't have one of those" "oh dear" "we could spend it on nice bonuses for government personel" Kathy appears next to Jakey. "did i hear 'bonuses'" Jakey sweats. "no we said 'jonases'" "what" "you know; those guys who carry wheels" "oh" Kathy mopes back to her desk. "so yeah let's do it" "sweet" Jakey gets on the National P.A. System. "attention citizens; we have an excess of money and we are giving the people who work hard to keep your country running extra pay this year thank you for" Jakey closes the P.A. box. "i am taking credit for the idea" "fuck off kathy" "no" "fuck" "hey um was there always a crowd of angry citizens holding pitchforks and torches outside or is that a new thing" "oh boy my halloween decorations have arrived" Jakey opens the door to arrange his decorations, when they storm inside. "OH MY GOD LIVING HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES" Jakey runs upstairs with his arms raised above his head, screaming. "welp" "HOW DARE YOU PAY GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES MORE MONEY" "corruption is at a record low!!!" "HOW DARE YOU GIVE PEOPLE MONEY FOR DOING THEIR JOBS" "YEAH IT'S NOT LIKE THEY RUN THE COUNTRY OR ANYTHING" "... but-" "FUCK OFF JAKEY" "no" "FUCK" "can't we resolve this in a way that doesn't involve me burning at the stake" "no" "fuck" "hey i have an idea brbr" Kathy walks off. "... fucking hell" "so jakey i believe it is time to say... goodbye forever" "shit" The citizens all raise their torches above their heads, when the sprinkler system goes off. "hey look at me i helped" Kathy waves from the control booth. Jakey quickly grabs an umbrella and hoists it over his head. "oh dear we are getting wet" "let us go outside to escape the rain" "i concur, timotheodore" Timotheodore and Nancynthia head outside, arm in arm. Jakey walks back downstairs. "MY PAPIER MACHE CUTLERY COLLECTION" Jakey runs over to his prized collection, and scoops it up with his arms. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Michelle flops around on the floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/torches appear at safehouses]

Mission 093: Thence, [Jakey]
"WHY" "jakey i am worried about jakey it's been days" "i guess it's time to go back" Jakey grimmaces. "TO THE FUTURE-PAST" "you aren't going to change the present-future are you?" "yes i am" "sigh" Jakey hops into the time machine and heads to the future-past. "so jakey i believe it is time to say... goodbye forever" Jakey dives for Jakey's papier mache cutlery collection. "oh hey jakey" "what's up jakey" "oh you know the usual" "getting killed again?" "you know it" Jakey winks and points at Jakey. "well nice seeing you jakey" "take care jakey" Jakey hops back into the time machine and heads to the present-future. "hey bro we recovered your papier mache cutlery collection" Jakey stands up, knee-deep in his own single tears. "oh that's cool" Jakey grabs his papier mache cutlery collection, and places it on the mantle. "good work kids" Jakey winks and points at Jakey with both of his index fingers as he walks off. Michelle rises from the pool of single tears, gasping for breath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/papier mache t-shirt]

Mission 094: Hotel California [Satan]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE" "it" Jakey shudders. "HELL HAS GONE TO THE DOGS" A great dane runs by with a saint bernard biting its tail. "what happened to the dog catcher" "he misplaced his catcher's mitt" "oh dear" "jakey i need you to round up these dogs" "i'd rather not" "i DARE you to round up these dogs" "YOU'RE ON MOTHERFUCKER" Jakey grabs Kathy by the collar and tosses her into The Motherfucker. "jakey i can't get dog fur on my clothes" "can't you change" "I ONLY OWN THE ONE OUTFIT JAKEY" "you can borrow one of my emergency jumpsuits" "yuck" Kathy swallows her vomit. "i can't be seen in a jumpsuit" "well it's more of a hopsuit" "oh that's fine" Kathy reaches into the back and puts on an emergency hopsuit, and Jakey does the same. "so what's the plan" "we need a helicopter" "pfft" Kathy presses a button, instantly turning The Motherfucker into a helicopter. "... oh right" Jakey flies over to the Chef Amiee :3's Premium Dog Food factory, and begins shoveling dog food from the giant decorative can on the roof into The Motherfucker. "GET AWAY FROM MY DOG FOOD YOU HOOLIGANS" Chef Amiee :3 runs up to the roof wielding a rolling pin. "oh it's just you" Chef Amiee :3 chucks her rolling pin over her shoulder, hitting a german shepard. "oh hey chef amiee :3 want to help us save hell" "oh what the hell" Jakey lowers the rope to Chef Amiee :3, who climbs into The Motherfucker. "why are you stealing all of my dog food again" "for the plan" "what plan" "the plan, chef amiee :3" "oh right" Jakey flies The Motherfucker to Hell Square, where he begins dumping all of the dog food through the streets of Hell. The dogs all fill themselves with dog food, growing rotund and unable to move. Dogs on hills quickly roll down. "..." "..." "satan said to round up the dogs and now they are round" "oh that sounds logical" Jakey pilots The Motherfucker back to Satan. "JAKEY YOU ARE EITHER BRILLIANT OR REALLY FUCKING STUPID" "thanks?" "don't mention it" Michelle rolls into the building, plumped on dog food. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hopsuit/Chef Amiee :3's Premium Dog Food t-shirt/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 095: Motel Oregon [Satan]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE" "so you've said" "THE KING OF DOGS HAS DECIDED THAT HE'S GOING TO RUN FOR PARLIAMENTTE" "oh dear" "and if he wins he he" A single tear streams down Satan's cheek. "he will pass a law requiring everyone to be dogs" "..." "..." "there are so many things wrong about that that i can't pick any single one to attack" "i know right" "so should i kill him" "what no; if you do that they'll just elect his son, the prince of dogs" "fuck" "do something other than that" "got it chief" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads to Negative Campaign Adz Я Us. Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing a rather old stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "i need to campaign against the king of dogs" "do you have any evidence of his wrongdoing" "er no" "then i can't help you" "fuck" Jakey walks outside. "hey look it's the king of dogs' car" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and follows The King of Dogs' car. "oh man he's going into motherfucker dogfood" Jakey dives out of The Motherfucker and lands in some bushes, then takes out his camera. "hello welcome to motherfucker dogfood may i take your order" "i'd like a motherfucker dogfood" "that will be 14.99 hell fun bux" The King of Dogs gives Chef Amiee :3 17.23 Hell Fun Bux. Chef Amiee :3 looks at the money in her hand in disgust. "THAT TIP IS .0085 HELL FUN BUX LOWER THAN 15%" Jakey turns off his video camera. "this guy is a fucking CUNT" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and heads back to Negative Campaign Adz Я Us. "taylor i have a thing" Taylor watches the video Jakey recorded. "THIS GUY IS A CUNT AND MUST BE STOPPED FOREVER" "word" Taylor whips up a negative campaign ad and hands it to Jakey. "what do i owe you" "this one's free; take this cunt down" Jakey nods and heads back to Satan. "i did it" "oh boy let's watch it" Satan pops the tape into the VCR. "one motherfucker dogfood: 14.99 hell fun bux; one tip: 2.2485 hell fun bux; the amount the king of dogs paid for his motherfucker dogfood? 17.23 hell fun bux; .0085 hell fun bux under standard tipping; if this man skimps on his tip, how can you be sure he won't skimp on politics or something?" The phone rings. "great news jakey apparently the king of dogs' approval rating is down to 0%" "so who's winning in the polls" "robert truckdriver 11" "... fuck" Satan hits the eject button on the VCR and Michelle pops out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The King of Dogs is not very cool t-shirt]

Mission 096: Apartment Washington [Satan]
"JAKEY IT'S GREAT" "what no it isn't" "yes it is!!! robert truckdriver 11 is planning to lower taxes for the rich" "oh boy" "i know right; his only thing is that he wants you to give him a brick or something" "... FUCK" "come on don't be greedy you have a lot of bricks" "but but" "DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE JAKEY" "i refuse" "you're fired" "..." "..." "fuck" "also kathy is fired" Kathy teleports to Satan and Jakey. "WHAT" "because jakey will not make sacrifices for the greater good" "but if i giv-" "I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT JAKEY GET OUT OF MY OFFICE" Jakey and Kathy leave Satan's office, dejected. "jakey you know that you have to do that thing he wants you to do" "but if robert truckdriver 11 gets the brick their plan of which i have no knowledge will presumably be one step closer to fruition or something" "well if the result is overwhelmingly negative you could always use the time machine to stop your present-past self from doing that thing we mentioned" "but what if they use the brick to destroy all of the time machines that exist" "come on what are the odds of that happening" "sigh" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head to Brucie's hotel. "hey where is robert truckdriver 11's room" "it's on the eleventh floor; room 365" "gee" Brucie hands Jakey the key, and he and Kathy head up to floor eleven on the elevator. Jakey's hand trembles as he goes to unlock the door. Kathy rolls her eyes and grabs Jakey's hand, unlocking and opening the door for him. "fucking hell" "Oh Hello Jakey How Do You Feel" "horrible" "What's That In Your Hand" Robert Truckdriver 11's eyes shine with anticipation. "Is It A Present For Me" "y-yes" "Oh Boy I Love Presents" Robert Truckdriver 11 holds his hand out. Jakey attempts to move his arm, but is unable to. "oh for fuck's sake" Kathy tears The Brick from Jakey's hand and gives it to Robert Truckdriver 11. "Finally Our Plan To Destroy All Of The Time Machines That Exist Will Come To Fruition" "SEE" "fuck" Kathy hands Jakey a hundred Alabama Fun Bux. Robert Truckdriver 11 rubs The Brick, causing a genie to come out. "..." "..." "WHAT" "..." "..." "I Assumed You Knew" "hey hi hey ho i'm the genie bro; i'll give you three wishes anything from bugs to fishes" "I Wish That All Of The Time Machines That Exist Would No Longer Do That" The genie snaps his fingers, causing all time machines to vanish. "I Wish I Had The Diamonds" The genie snaps his fingers, causing The Diamonds to be forcibly ripped out of Jakey's body. "..." "..." "Well That Was Unexpected" Jakey's lifeless body falls to the ground, all of his blood drained. "JAKEY NO" Kathy kneels over Jakey's corpse, a single tear streaming down her cheek. "TOMORROW IS PAY DAY" Kathy punches the ground repeatedly. "WHY" "hey guys what is all of this nois-" Brucie stands in the doorway, mouth agape. "ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 11 YOU HAVE VIOLATED OUR AGREEMENT; NO GENIES IN THE HOTEL" Brucie grabs The Brick from Robert Truckdriver 11's hands. "But But" "GET OUT OF MY HOTEL AFTER YOU CLEAN UP THIS MESS" Brucie shakes his head at the pile of Jakey's entrails lying on the floor. "hey hi hey ho i'm the genie bro; i'll give you three wishes too anything you want i'll make come true" "i wish jakey was alive again" The genie snaps his fingers, and all of Jakey's blood and organs fly back into his body. Jakey's body is reinvigorated with life. "yayyyyyy" "Nooooooooooooooo" "jakey dispose of this for me will you" Brucie tosses Jakey The Brick. "hey hi hey ho i'm the genie bro; three wishes are what you get now come on and wish for shit" "i wish time machines were a thing that exist again" The genie snaps his fingers, and all of the time machines become a thing again. "i'll save the rest for later or conveniently forget about them or something" The genie heads back into The Brick, and Jakey puts it into his pocket. "well that was a waste of time" "word" Jakey's phone rings. "hey jakey it's me satan i just looked up 'the brick' on google.co.hl and i realised you were right you're reinstated" "wooh" "what about kathy" Kathy points to herself, even though Satan cannot see that thing she did. "sure why not" "yay" Robert Truckdriver 11 opens his suitcase to pack up and Michelle pops out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/I Died And Went To Limbo And All I Got Was This Stupid T-shirt t-shirt]

Mission 097: I'm Squidward [Chef Amiee :3]
"hello jakey i was just not watching television" "oh what's on" "nothing actually" "i highly doubt that" Jakey grabs the remote and begins flipping through the channels. "OH SHIT FRIENDS IS ON" "so?" "I FUCKING LOVE FRIENDS" "yuck" "... what" "friends is awful" "... 10/10" "not even trolling" "WHAT" "it's really fucking bad bro" "I CANNOT BELIEVE A PERSON LIKE YOU EXISTS" "i can't believe that show lasted so goddamn long" "IT WAS CUT DOWN IN ITS PRIME YOU MONSTER" "if that was its prime i'd hate to see it otherwise" "ARGH" Jakey backhands Chef Amiee :3. "ow what was that for" "DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW" Chef Amiee :3 points to the calendar. Jakey looks over to see that today is, in fact, Opposite Day. "..." "..." "fuck" "i can totally believe you knew it was opposite day bro" "i can also" "i am angry that we disagree" "i do not challenge you to a duel" "i do not accept" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 grab ninja circles and walk away from eachother. "i am not sorry that i do not have to do this" "i totally disagree, cunt" "..." "..." "that was not a bit far" "i hadn't realised" "3 2 1 don't go" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 chuck their ninja circles behind them. "i fucking hate you" "i do not hate you also" "i am not confused" "don't join the club that doesn't exist" "okay" Michelle steps out of the shower with a ninja circle lodged in her head. "don't take me home"
[reward: respect +/Squidward outfit]

Mission 098: Uguuu~~~ [Chef Amiee :3]
"hey chef amiee :3 i got your email what did you want to talk to me about" "it's awful i've been sleepwalking again" "uh-oh have you been rearranging the furniture in your sleep" Jakey looks down at his feet. "i do that a lot" "no worse i have been going to high school in my sleep" "..." "in japan" "UH-OH" "apparently i am a super-smart super-kawaii desu sixteen-year-old girl who is in high school and looks like eight" "oh dear" "we have to set this right" "okay" "good" "hey let's take kathy" "sure why not" Jakey, Kathy, and Chef Amiee :3 hop into The Motherfucker and fly to Japan National High School. "okay it looks like the receptionist is out" "OH" Kathy teleports behind the booth. "hello" "hello" "how unexpected to run into you here kathy" "i get around" "can we see the principal" "okay he just got out of a meeting" Kathy buzzes the two into Principal Skinner's office. "hello mister and missus?" "wrong" "... oh" Principal Skinner straightens his tie. "well um why are you here" "we want to talk about a student here" "her name is 'kawaii c. desu'" "yes she is an exemplary student" "well she's actually twenty-two" "but she looks eight" "shrug" "we'd like to ask you to not admit her to the school any more" "but she has been voted prom queen!!!" "fuck" "we cannot terminate her contract sorry" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 leave Principal Skinner's office, dejected. "I CAN'T BE PROM QUEEN THERE IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE" "come on you'll be fine" "0/10" "fuck" "we will have to train long and hard to make me a worthy prom queen" "but but" Chef Amiee :3 takes out her phone and sets it to play "Eye of the Tiger". "chef amiee :3 no" Chef Amiee punches some meat in a freezer. risin' up "no come on" back on the street Chef Amiee :3 runs through the park. did my time took my chances "this is stupid" went the distance now i'm back on my feet Chef Amiee :3 punches some dudes on a beach. just a man and his will to survive "i am getting motion sickness" so many times it happens too fast Chef Amiee :3 runs up some stairs. you trade your passion for glory "can i go home now" don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past Chef Amiee :3 goes to bed, ready to face the prom. you must fight just to keep them alive Chef Amiee :3 unconciously walks to the shower and washes her body. it's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight Chef Amiee :3 flies to Japan and heads to the prom. risin' up to the challenge of our rivals Chef Amiee :3 dances with the best dancer in the school, Mitt Romney. and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night Chef Amiee :3 chugs everything in the punch bowl. and he's watching us all with the eye Chef Amiee :3 chucks the punch bowl down triumphantly. of the tiger Everyone clears out of the gym as the prom ends, and Chef Amiee :3 wakes up. "did i do it" "i stopped paying attention after the shower scene" "what why" "i felt that it couldn't be topped" "oh that sounds logical" Michelle wanders outside wearing her prom dress. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/prom tuxedo/Principal Skinner missions]

Mission 099: Got it Bad [Principal Skinner]
"jakey one of the teachers is out sick and we need a replacement" "I'M ON IT" Jakey winds up to run out of the room. "but you don't have a degree" "i totally just got an online degree in vcr repair" "oh cool" Jakey runs out to his new classroom, and the children come in right after. "hello" "OH SHIT SUBSTITUTE TEACHER" "party!!!" One of the children jumps up on a desk, takes off his shirt, and begins rubbing his chest. A second child takes out a bottle of champagne and begins to shake it. "hey jakey principal skinner said you might need some hel-" The child pops off the cork, and it hits Kathy in the eye. "..." "..." "welp" The child begins to wave the champagne bottle around, spraying its contents all over the room. "calm down children it is time to learn" "CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG" The child begins to chug the remaining contents of the champagne bottle. "no don't chug" "YES CHUG" "CHUG WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT" "CHUG LIKE A MAN WHO HAS A DISEASE WHICH PREVENTS HIM FROM NOT-CHUGGING" "YES DO THAT" The child finishes the bottle of champagne and breaks it off on his desk before tossing the remains on the floor. The first child leaps off his desk and rolls around in the shards of glass. "what" "party" A third child throws open the door to the supply closet, and enters the room proper wearing a toga. "children we have to learn about... um" Jakey picks up a book off the teacher's desk. "war and/or peace" "pfft" The first child stands up, impaled by every glass shard, and takes out his boombox. "time for some tunes" The child presses a button while a little girl begins licking the glass shards in his chest, and music comes blasting out of the boombox. every day i'm hustlin' "come on guys" every day i'm hustlin' "please stop" every day i'm hustlin' hustlin' "hey jakey i just came to see how you were doing" every day i'm hustlin' Principal Skinner sees Kathy lying on the ground unconcious, a child impaled by glass shards with another child licking the glass shards and bleeding heavily from the tongue, a child stumbling around drunk, and a child in a toga. every day i'm hustlin' "great work jakey; you have a bright future here" Jakey sweats. every day i'm hustlin' hustlin' "thanks chief" Michelle knocks over her desk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/toga]