A Thing (2013)

Mission 100: Clamming Up [Principal Skinner]
"jakey it's horrible i am having the superintendant over for dinner and do not have an idea for it" "i have a chef friend i cou-" "NO i must impress him myself" Jakey sweats. "well an easy + great meal to make is um steamed clams?" "BRILLIANT" "the first thing you need is steam" "how much steam" Jakey thinks for a moment. "a lot" Principal Skinner begins to take notes. "also you need clams" "i do not have clams" "TO THE STORE" The Jakey symbol flashes on the screen. "we'd like some clams" "..." "come on don't clam up" "..." "..." "jakey i hate you" "sir this is a laundromat" "yes" "we are uh out of clams" "FUCK" "where will we get clams on such short notice if not a laundromat!!!" "psst" A shady guy motions the two into an alley. "i've got so many clams" The man opens his trenchcoat, revealing rows and rows of clams. "i will take them" Jakey holds up all of his money. "i must warn you th-" "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY" Jakey chucks his money at the man. The man takes off his trenchcoat and hands it to Jakey, revealing an identical trenchcoat underneath. "ugh your hands are all clammy" "FUCK YOU JAKEY" "it's time to steam some clams!!!" "no you must do this alone" "what why" "it is time for your final test" "but master i-" "shhh" Jakey puts his finger to Principal Skinner's lips. "go on my student" "can you at least give me a ride home" "NO" Principal Skinner walks home wearing the trenchcoat full of clams. "psst" The man in the trenchcoat motions Jakey back into the alley. "check it" He opens his trenchcoat to reveal Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/steamed clams t-shirt/trenchcoat that Jakey refuses to wear because it makes him look silly]

Mission 101: New York State of Mind [Principal Skinner]
"jakey i need you to steal the recipe book from krusty burger" "what why" "well the steamed clams thing backfired because i used too much steam so i had to improvise and order steamed hams instead" "oh that sounds logical" "but now superintendant chalmers wants the recipe!!!" "oh shit" "i think it's because i wouldn't let him see the northern lights when they appeared in my kitchen" "you didn't invite me?!" Jakey spins around on one heel and crosses his arms. "i'll give you the rest of the steamed hams" Principal Skinner motions to a plate with ten steamed hams on it. "i demand payment in advance" Principal Skinner grabs the plate and hands it to Jakey. Jakey tilts his head back and holds the plate up to it, sliding all of the steamed hams into his mouth. Jakey then runs into Principal Skinner's house and leaps out the window, heading to Krusty Burger. "hello may i take your order" "NO" Squeaky-voiced Teen sweats. "okay" Jakey slides under the counter and frontflips over the frier. Jakey slides into a vent, headbutting the grate cover on the other side open. Jakey slides underneath the manager's desk and finds the recipe. "wooh" "help police" The Police surround the building. "shit" "come out with your hands up and shit" Jakey slowly exits the building with his hands up. "oh that's just jakey" Sting smiles and shakes his head. "false alarm everyone" "but he totally stole ou-" "FALSE ALARM EVERYONE" "bu-" "FALSE ALARM YOU FUCKING CUNT" The Police load back into their van and drive off. Jakey hops onto the van and rides to Principal Skinner's house, where he leaps off, his head ramming into and subsequently breaking open the door. Jakey flies over the dining room table, where he chucks Principal Skinner the recipe. Jakey continues his dive out the window and down the hill, where he lands on a fire hydrant. The impact causes the hydrant to burst open, sending Jakey flying again. Jakey flips back onto Principal Skinner's roof and slides down his chimney, where he rolls out in front of Principal Skinner. "was that really necessary" "YES" Michelle falls down the chimney carrying a large sack. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/steamed hams t-shirt/Sting missions]

Mission 102: King of Pain [Sting]
"jakey we have totally found the location of the prince of wales' base in the rocky mountains" "oh boy where is it" "the alps" "oh i thought it was in the himalayas" "he totally tricked you dog" "i can see that now" "would you like backup" "no i must do this alone" A single tear streams down Jakey's face. "here is my last will and testament" Jakey hands Sting a document. "i left you my stamp collection" "oh boy" "goodbye sting" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker, ready to face his final challenge until the next one. Jakey transforms The Motherfucker into a plane and flies it into the alps. "hello" "hello" "what's up jakey" "not much the prince of wales how are you" "i'm great" Jakey hops out of The Motherfucker. "btw i'm not really the prince of wales he tricked you" "WHAT" "HA I TRICKED YOU I ACTUALLY AM THE PRINCE OF WALES" "FUCK" "PLUS I ACTUALLY DON'T FEEL VERY GOOD AT ALL" "FUCK" "check this out" The Prince of Wales presses a button, causing the floor to fall out five feet away from Jakey. "..." "..." "welp" "i guess i should have thought this out better" "wait that was a trick wasn't it" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THAT WAS A TRICK" "but if you tricked me isn't that a trick by definition" "no because you thought my trick was the floor when my trick was the false trick" "but to have been able to 'false-trick' me you had to have planned it making it a trick" "..." "..." "fuck" A single tear streams down The Prince of Wales' cheek. "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A TRICK" "FUCK" "also check it" The Prince of Wales presses a second button on his remote, causing the floor to fall out from underneath him. "SO LONG CHUMP" "fuck he got away" "HA I TRICKED YOU I AM ACTUALLY HIDING BEHIND THIS CURTAIN" "DAMN YOU" Jakey takes out his M4 and begins firing blindly. "nooooooo my precious family heirlooms" "NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE SOMETHING TAKEN FROM YOU" "HA I TRICKED YOU I BOUGHT THOSE AT THE DOLLAR STORE" "I HATE YOU" "... what" A single tear streams down The Prince of Wales' face. "why jakey" The Prince of Wales collapses to the floor. "jakey why" "... i-i'm sorry the prince of wales" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I CARED" "FUCKING HELL" "hey guess what my favourite cereal is" "what" "trix" "oh that makes sense" "HA I TRICKED YOU MY FAVOURITE CEREAL IS REALLY HONEY COMB" "FUCK" Michelle walks out of The Prince of Wales' bathroom. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mountain t-shirt/Trix t-shirt]

Mission 102: King of Pain [Sting]
"HA I TRICKED YOU I'M NOT REALLY MICHELLE" "GODDAMN YOU THE PRINCE OF WALES" Michelle flies a plane into The Prince of Wales. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mountain t-shirt/Trix t-shirt]

Mission 103: Bombs Away! [Sting]
"jakey we have an EMERGENCY" "cool" "this lady is a parachute salesman and she lost her parachutes" "what's her name" "WELL,-" "oh okay" "hello" "hello" "let us go find your parachutes" "okay" Jakey and WELL hop into The Motherfucker. "i think i left them atop alabama tower" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a helicopter and flies to Alabama Tower. "better start lookin'" Jakey hops out of The Motherfucker, leaving WELL at the controls. As Jakey lands, Professor Eif flies a plane into Alabama Tower. "SHIT FUCK ASS COCK" "welp" WELL pilots The Motherfucker down to catch Jakey before he hits the ground. "thanks; hitting the ground from that height would have been a minor inconvenience" "any time" "sorry about your parachutes" "what" "they were on the tower when-" "no silly my parachutes are at motherfucker diner" "um okay" Jakey flies The Motherfucker to Motherfucker Diner. "okay let's look fo-" "man they have the BEST fondue here want to get some" "fuck, yes" Jakey sets The Motherfucker down and buys himself and WELL a fondue each. "oh fuck you were right" "totally" "now about those parachutes" "oh right i totally left them at my ex-boyfriend's workplace" "..." Jakey flies The Motherfucker to Filmin' All Dat Shit. "hello Max Schoonen" "hello jak-hello, WELL" "hello Max Schoonen" "can we just have her parachutes Max Schoonen" "she never left any parachutes here" "yeah what would give you that idea jakey" "..." "anyway my parachutes are at my house" "but-" "come on we don't have all day" Jakey flies The Motherfucker to WELL's house. "so are they in there" "?" "the parachutes" "no silly why would they be at my house" "WHAT" "but you know what is in my house" WELL begins twirling her hair in her fingers. "my nice, warm bed" "i am pretty tired" "wooh" WELL grabs Jakey by the hand and leads him inside. "welp here we are" WELL motions to a parachute box. "um" "come on hop in" WELL hops into the parachute box, fitting in snugly. "hey i found your parachutes" "really?! where" "in this box labeled 'parachutes'" "gee" WELL gets out of her box. "wait where'd they go" "damn" WELL gets back into the box. "FOUND THEM" WELL gets out of her box. "nevermind" "welp you tried" WELL pats Jakey on the back gently. Michelle climbs out of the parachute box. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with WELL]

Mission 104: Deathwish [Sting]
"jakey it's horrible we're out of detectives!!!" "what" "the detective dispenser is empty!!!" "oh dear" "what's worse is that the company that makes detectives (detect co.) has gone out of business!!!" "fuck" "jakey you used to be a detective you should totally become one again" "gee i don't know" "YOU WERE THE BEST DETECTIVE ON THE FORCE JAKEY" "shrug" "hey kathy should jakey go back to being a detective" "no" "what" "instead you should make kathy a detective" Kathy points at herself with her thumb. "you can be a detective but only if jakey is also a detective" "JAKEY BE A FUCKING DETECTIVE YOU FUCKING CUNT" "no" "..." "..." Kathy begins to casually flip over her desk and throw her chair out the window. "she took that well" "better than we could have ever hoped" "well goodbye forever" Kathy casually leaps out the window to her death. "gee" "shouldn't you rush over to the window and try to prevent her from dying" "why would i do that" "i just cleaned the pavement down there and don't want my effort to go to waste" "oh that sounds logical" Jakey casually walks over to the window and grabs Kathy's leg before she hits the ground. "please use the opposite window as the pavement there has just been cleaned" "oh okay" Jakey sets Kathy down, and she begins to casually leap out of the opposite window, hitting a trampoline and bouncing back in. "gee" "kathy you have inspired me to go back to being an ice cream man" "OH FUCK JAKEY'S ICE CREAM WAS THE BEST" Jakey calls Onyxbeard and tells him to start up Jakey's Ice Cream again. "arrrrrrrgh but cap'n someone be stealin' the ice cream shop buildin' last week" "WHAT I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS" Jakey spins around on his heel. "STING MAKE ME A DETECTIVE AGAIN" "i don't know" "come on don't be lame" "only if i get free ice cream for a year" Jakey sweats, as Sting has been known to eat ice cream for every meal. "fine whatever" Sting hands Jakey his badge and detective hat. "hey what about kathy" "what about kathy" "um she should totally be a detective because she's cool" Kathy sweats. "also she would look great in that hat" "that is true kathy here's your hat and badge" "wooh" "but only if you stop refering to yourself in the third person" "fuck" Kathy kicks the detective dispenser and Michelle falls out, wearing her detective hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/detective hat/detective salary ($1,923/week)/Jakey's Ice Cream missions]

Mission 105: I Scream [Jakey's Ice Cream]
"WE ARE NOW HERE AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME" "i know" "just checking" "jakey we have to check for clues!!!" "hey i'm the master detective here!!!" "hey that's great" "i know right" Kathy grabs a man passing by and rams him into the wall. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS CRIME" "ALL RIGHT IT WAS ME I KILLED MARGARET" "you're under arrest" Kathy handcuffs the man and throws him into the trunk of The Motherfucker. She then dusts off her hands and spots someone jaywalking. "HEY WAIT YOU FUCKING CRIMINAL" Kathy tackles the jaywalker and handcuffs him, throwing him in the trunk of The Motherfucker as well. "you make me sick" "hey kathy i found a clue" Jakey shows Kathy a single red hairclip. "oh thanks i've been looking for one of these" Kathy grabs the hairclip and affixes it to her person. "welp" "this is the best st. patrick's day ever" "oh look kathy a trail of butterscotch" "oh man" Kathy does a handstand and Jakey grabs her legs. Jakey then motors Kathy around while she licks up the butterscotch. "hmm the trail ends at this door" "lame" "i can't believe our trail has gone cold!!!" "where will we search now" Jakey and Kathy sulk on the front steps of Not-Jakey's Ice Cream. Michelle exits the building, licking a theoretical ice cream cone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Not-Jakey's Ice Cream t-shirt]

Mission 106: You Scream [Jakey's Ice Cream]
"jakey i got the list of new ice cream places for you but there's only two" "how convenient" "you won't like them" "i agree" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and drive to the first address. "hey hey and welcome to crazy svart's used ice creams how may i serve my favourite junior vice president today" "why did you steal my ice cream equipment" "jakey i totally bought all this stuff from used ice cream equipmentz Я us" "gee" Crazy Svart inputs the coordinates on Jakey's Pip-Boy, and Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker to get to that thing. Taylor sits behind the counter, chewing his stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum and reading this month's issue of Kathy Magazine. "where do you get all of your used ice cream equipment" "from the used ice cream equipment factory down on alabama boulevard" Taylor inputs the coordinates on Jakey's Pip-Boy, and Jakey and Kathy do that hopping thing they do with The Motherfucker. "how do you make used ice cream equipment" "using used ice cream equipment parts shipped to us from the finest craftsmen in all of beijing" "oh that sounds logical" "i'll give you the coordinates if you want" "no i completely trust the craftsmen of beijing to deliver the highest-quality merchandise in the world" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head to the second ice cream shop. "Hello And Welcome To Our Ice Cream Store; What Would You Like" "do you know a-" "OH FUCK JAKEY THEY HAVE DEATH BY VANILLA ICE CREAM THAT IS MY FAVOURITE" "wait a m-" "I WOULD LIKE ALL OF THE DEATH BY VANILLA ICE CREAM THAT EXISTS" Robert Truckdriver 47 sweats. "I Will Have To Check The Warehouses" Robert Truckdriver 47 walks to the computer. "NOT SO FAST" "Okay" Robert Truckdriver 47 slowly shuffles to the computer. "no i mean stop" "You Should Really Say What You Mean" Robert Truckdriver 47 stops. "DEATH BY VANILLA WAS MY SIGNATURE FLAVOUR YOU FUCKING THIEF" Kathy grabs the nearest container of Death by Vanilla ice cream and begins to eat all of it. "GIVE ME BACK MY SHIT ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER" "Ha I Tricked You Into Thinking I Was A Robert Truckdriver Clone" Robert Truckdriver 47 takes off his mask to reveal THE PRINCE OF WALES. "..." "..." "fuck" Jakey sweats. "so um what now" "gee i don't know i didn't really have time to prepare phase three" "oh well um-" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO PREPARE PHASE THREE" The Prince of Wales presses the button on his remote, detonating Kathy's container of Death by Vanilla ice cream. "WHAT" A single tear streams down Kathy's cheek as she mourns the loss of her favourite ice cream. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO HERBERT" Kathy dives over the counter, tackling The Prince of Wales and beating him to a pulp. "welp" "tell my wife i loved her" "okay" "HA I TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING I HAD A WIFE" The Prince of Wales goes limp in Kathy's arms, dead. Kathy, however, continues punching. Jakey begins to load his stolen equipment into The Motherfucker, when Michelle surfaces from a tub of Motherfucker Ice Cream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Death by Vanilla t-shirt/Motherfucker Ice Cream t-shirt/Crazy Svart's Used Ice Creams t-shirt/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 107: We All Scream [Jakey's Ice Cream]
"jakey the prince of wales is going on trial today for his war crimes against jakey's ice cream" "but i thought he was dead" "that was a trick" "then how do we know this trial isn't a trick" "because that is just stupid" "oh right" "anyway the prince of wales wants you to be his defense attorney" "WHAT" "also king bran has said 'sure why not' so you have to do it" "what why would- how but i what" "king bran released an official statement on the matter, saying that he did it because he 'thought it would be funny'" "HIS PREDICTION IS INACCURATE" "your face is inaccurate" "ouch" "anyway put on your lawguy suit and head to the courthouse" "it's at the cleaner's" "good job king bran gave this one to me to give to you" "fuck" Jakey puts on his lawguy suit, hops into The Motherfucker, and drives to the courthouse. "hear ye hear ye judge satan presiding" "oh good; with satan on board this trial will be fair as fuck" "word" "does the defense have any opening statements" "like he totally didn't do it" "gasp" "gasp" "do you have any evidence to support this claim?!" "sure" Jakey pulls a red handkerchief from his sleeve, which is attached to a purple handkerchief. The purple handkerchief is attached to a green handkerchief, which is itself attached to a black handkerchief. The black handkerchief is attached to a white handkerchief, which is itself attached to a pink handkerchief. The pink handkerchief is attached to a blue handkerchief, which is itself attached to an orange handkerchief. The orange handkerchief is attached to a yellow handkerchief, which is itself attached to a gold handkerchief. The gold handkerchief is attached to a grey handkerchief, which is itself attached to an autographed Ron Paul handkerchief. The autographed Ron Paul handkerchief, however, is attached only to the grey handkerchief, ending the chain. The jury gasps. Jakey smirks, as he knows he has the prosecution right where he wants them. "we have no choice but to declare the defendant not guilty" Satan bangs his gavel on the platform, rendering his judgement final. "HA I TRICKED YOU I REALLY WAS GUILTY" "GODDAMMIT THE PRINCE OF WALES" The Prince of Wales is airlifted out on a helicopter with his face on it. "oh that must belong to the prince of wales" "HA I TRICKED YOU IT REALLY BELONGS TO MY FRIEND KUNG-FU CHAD" "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK" "HA I TRICKED YOU KUNG-FU CHAD ISN'T REALLY MY FRIEND" "ASS FUCK CUNT ASS FUCK SHIT COCK ASS FUCK" Michelle falls out of the helicopter, landing on top of Satan. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lawguy outfit/Satan missions/Kung-Fu Chad missions]

Mission 108: For [Jakey's Ice Cream]
"hello and welcome to the grand reopening of jakey's ice cream!!!" "wooh" "yay" "JUST LET ME GET SOME FUCKING ICE CREAM ALREADY" "fuck off kathy" "NO" "fuck" Jakey cuts the ribbon and opens Jakey's Ice Cream to the public. A polite line forms, and Kathy shoves her way to the front. "arrrrrrrrrrgh may i be takin' your order matey" "I WANT ALL OF THE DEATH BY VANILLA ICE CREAM" "arrrrrrrrrrgh i be under orders to not do that thing ye be metionin' matey" "I AM PREPARED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU IN ORDER FOR THIS TO HAPPEN" "arrrrrrrrrrrgh fuck, no" Kathy pulls out her gun. "DO IT" "arrrrrrrrgh no" "fuck" Kathy grabs the one cone of Death by Vanilla ice cream she is allowed and trudges over to a booth. "hello jakey" "oh hello chef amiee :3" "i would like to merge motherfucker ice cream and jakey's ice cream into one company and i am prepared to give you one million alabama fun bux for it" "only if i get 100% control of the company" "that sounds fair" Chef Amiee :3 hands Jakey a cheque for one million Alabama Fun Bux. Jakey hands Chef Amiee :3 all of the stock for Jakey's Ice Cream, and Chef Amiee :3 hands it right back along with the stock for Motherfucker Ice Cream. "it's been a pleasure doing business" "word" Michelle gets flung through the door by a sudden gust of wind. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey's Ice Cream t-shirt/$1,000,000/Jakey's Ice Cream salary ($2,885/week)]

Mission 109: The Call of the Ancients [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i have it" "it?!" Jakey looks at Crazy Svart, eager to receive what he has been searching for all these years; eager to receive it. "i have the idea that will make us millions!!!" "oh" Jakey hangs his head. "fuck" Crazy Svart rips a sheet off his new building. "CRAZY SVART'S USED TRIDENT SUGAR-FREE CHEWING GUM" "..." "..." "THAT IS THE BEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD" "I KNOW RIGHT" "i'm so glad i thought of it" "i am too" "you owe me for the idea" "okay" Jakey and Crazy Svart look to their left and see a large line of people, eager to purchase used Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "oh fuck get behind the counter!!!" "i'll sneak in through the back to the register!!!" Jakey runs to the rear entrance and hops behind the counter. Crazy Svart unlocks the front door, and is immediately trampled as the crowd rushes in to buy used Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hello how can i help" "I WANT ALL OF YOUR USED TRIDENT SUGAR-FREE CHEWING GUMS" "okay that will be fifty kajillion billion million alabama fun bux" Taylor writes Jakey a cheque for fifty kajillion billion million Alabama Fun Bux, and Jakey hands Taylor the key to the warehouse. "WELP THAT'S IT WE'RE CLOSED" "Fuck" "And I Was Really Looking Forward To The Refreshing Taste Of A Nice Used Trident Sugar-Free Chewing Gum" "You Said It, Robert Truckdriver" The crowd dejectedly walks back over Crazy Svart's body and leaves. "well that went well" "can you drive me to the hospital" "sorry it's almost 4:30 and super magical kawaii desu show-kun will be on soon!!!" "oh fuck can i come and watch it with you" "i don't see why not" Jakey drags Crazy Svart's broken body into the trunk of The Motherfucker. "why can't i ride shotgun" "because that's really fucking gay man" "oh right" Jakey slams the trunk closed on Crazy Svart and heads home. Michelle pops out of the engine compartment. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart's Used Trident Sugar-Free Chewing Gum t-shirt/Super Magical Kawaii Desu Show-Kun t-shirt]

Mission 110: The Call of the Wild [Crazy Svart]
"jakey after raking in ALL OF THE MONEY from our previous venture i have upgraded crazy svart's used autos" "oh boy" "i now present to you" Crazy Svart tears the giant sheet off the old Crazy Svart's Used Autos building. "CRAZY SVART'S USED YACHTS" "but we're not anywhere near the coast" "jakey you are wrong" Crazy Svart points to a small trench in the ground leading fifty-thousand kilometres out to sea. "i stand corrected" "now we will wait and let the money roll in" "cool" The siren blares. "OH SHIT" "SIR THE MONEY IS ROLLING RIGHT THE FUCK IN" "BATTLE STATIONS" Crazy Svart grabs his hardhat and vaults over his desk. Jakey closes the shutters. Kathy presses buttons randomly. "help" Jakey gets sucked in by a whirlpool. "no kathy why did you press the whirlpool button!!!" "i 'thought it would be funny'" "oh" Crazy Svart walks back to his post. "nice job kathy" "help" "welp time for my break" Kathy grabs her suitcase and heads for the cafeteria with her hands in her pockets, whistling badly. Michelle pulls Jakey aboard her ship and navigates out of the whirlpool. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart's Used Yachts t-shirt/Crazy Svart's Used Yachts raise ($2,885/week)]

Mission 111: The Call of the Telephone [Crazy Svart]
"hello" Jakey steps through the front door of Crazy Svart's Used Autos, triggering an alarm. "I DIDN'T DO IT" "JAKEY YOU ARE OUR ONE MILLIONTH CUSTOMER" "gee" "YOU JUST WON A BRAND NEW CAR" "OH FUCK WHAT COLOUR IS IT" "ANY COLOUR YOU LIKE as long as that colour is red" "OH FUCK" Jakey holds his hands up to his cheeks, mouth agape. Kathy pushes Jakey's new car into the lobby. Jakey hops into his new car, and drives it around the block and back to Crazy Svart's Used Autos. "hey i'd like to sell this car" "how many miles on it" "um fifty kajillion" "oh dear" "is that bad" "i can only give you five shillings for it" "what is that in alabama fun bux" "1000000000000$" "well i guess it'll have to do" Jakey reluctantly hands Crazy Svart the keys to his car, and Crazy Svart writes Jakey a cheque for five shillings. Michelle pops out from the trunk of the car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/five shillings]

Mission 112: High Voltage [Satan]
"jakey how come you haven't gotten your electricity powers yet" "can't be bothered" "but jakey if you do not you will end up in the jakey hall of NOT THAT COOL" Jakey gasps and recoils in horror. "quick grab this live wire" "i do not see how this could go wrong" Jakey grabs the live wire and begins convulsing. "hmm" "help" "i got it" Kathy moseys over to the sink and fills a bucket with water. She then turns around and moseys back to Jakey, and dumps the water out over his head. "that was the opposite of what i wanted" "i'm not a mind-reader jakey" "oh fuck i have an idea" Satan opens the cages, releasing A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT Taylor leaps at the harlequin foetus knight, slicing him in half. Bran runs towards the harlequin foetus knight's head, sword grinding against the ground. Bran releases his grip on the sword, sending it flying at the harlequin foetus knight, decapitating it. Jakey and Eif play strip poker. The harlequin foetus knight laughs, undamaged. "oh man it's gonna take some heavy firepower to take this guy on" Jakey runs to the other side of the room, and gets struck by a bolt of lightning. Lightning shoots from Jakey's hands at the harlequin foetus knight, destroying it instantly. "jakey stop attention-seeking" "but guys i didn't even do anything" "old" Michelle exits the cage eating a rather large steak. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/electricity powers]

Mission 113: High Altitude [Satan]
"IT IS TIME FOR THE COMPANY PICNIC JAKEY" "I FUCKING LOVE PICNICS" Satan starts The Motherfucker and puts it into camper mode while Jakey and Kathy try to get all of the employees inside. "THIS PICNIC WILL BE OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING CHAIN DOG" "WORD" Satan drives The Motherfucker to Hell Hill. "hello and welcome / hell hill awaits all of you / please enjoy yourselves" The gateguy opens the gate, and Satan drives in. "OKAY EVERYBODY OUT" "where should we go first!!!" "i hear hell hill hall is artistic as fuck" "this is a picnic not a holiday!!!" Satan spreads a blanket on the hill and reaches for his picnic basket. "OH FUCK IT'S GONE" "to the lost and found!!!" The Kathy symbol flashes on the screen. "we have not found it / but the local bears love them / why not try their cave" "BEARS" Jakey runs around with his arms above his head. "we must retrieve the picnic basket!!!" "i will use my training to find their cave!!!" Kathy uses all of the skills she has learned to find the bears' cave. "IT'S RIGHT THERE NEXT TO THAT NEON SIGN THAT INDICATES THE POSITION OF THE BEARS' CAVE" "kathy stop being so impressive" "no" "fuck" Kathy, Satan, and Jakey rush toward the cave. "WE CAME FOR THE PICNIC BASKET" "ah yes jakey i saw your picnic basket; where was that? maybe some gems would refresh my memory" "maybe MY FISH WOULD REFRESH YOUR MEMORY" Jakey produces a fish from his pocket. "... jakey what did i tell you about keeping typos in" "fuck off kathy" "no" "fuck" Jakey reluctantly hands Moneybags five-hundred gems. "ah music to my ears; your picnic basket is right behind this door" Moneybags pulls a lever, revealing the picnic basket behind a door. "fuck" Jakey grabs the picnic basket and the three exit the cave. Michelle emerges from Moneybags' sack. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/gems t-shirt]

Mission 114: Fine Art [Kung-Fu Chad]
"master i-" "ah so my best student returns" "oh fuck you mean will smith is here?!" Jakey attempts to fix his hair. "... no i meant YOU" "you're giving me waaaaaaaaay too much credit" "check in with my secretary and we can continue your training" "oh boy" Jakey walks over to the front desk. "hey kathy i'm here for TRAINING" "so i've heard" Kathy hands Jakey a form. "sign here and here and here and also here" Jakey signs his name a bunch of times and hands Kathy back the form. Kathy waves Jakey away without looking up from her tense game of Solitaire. "master can i learn the kicking move yet" "i don't see why not" Kung-Fu Chad hands Jakey a suitcase. "but first there are HOODLUMS trying to vandalise my car!!!" "I'LL STOP THEM" "no you can't let them see your face; you must strike fear and whatnot" "but um" "OPEN THE SUITCASE YOUNG ONE" "okay" Jakey opens the suitcase and finds some clothes or something. "FROM THIS DAY FORTH YOU SHALL STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO INSTILL FEAR IN OTHERS OR WHATEVER; YOU SHALL BE KNOWN AS THE MIGHTY HELO MAM" "..." "..." "but that name-" "is totally fucking awesome, jakey" "n-" "IT IS AWESOME AS SHIT JAKEY AND I WILL NOT HEAR OTHERWISE" "sigh" Jakey trudges outside to defend Kung-Fu Chad's car. "This Is The Best Idea We've Had In Months" "Kung-Fu Chad Will Be So Embarassed" "Jakey Will Be Forced To Use His Second Wish To Make Kung-Fu Chad Not-Embarassed" "You Said It Robert Truckdriver" The Robert Truckdriver clones start trying to flip Kung-Fu Chad's car over. "He Will Totally Be All Like 'Oh Dear How Did I Manage To Park Upsidedown'" "His Face Will Be So Red" "you said it robert truckdriver" "..." "..." "Who-" Jakey falls behind Robert Truckdriver 5 and chokes him out before disappearing into the shadows. "Oh No" "We Must Not Let This Impede Our Plan" The Robert Truckdriver clones turn around, and Jakey chokes out another. "Oh No Now We Lack The Manpower To Flip Over Kung-Fu Chad's Car" "Why Is Life So Horrible" Jakey descends from the rafters and chokes out a third clone before jumping in front of the final clone. "Who Are You" "i am... THE MIGHTY HELO MAM" "Pfffffff A Ha Ha Ha Ha-" Jakey punches out the final Robert Truckdriver clone. "you did well m-" "THEY LAUGHED AT ME" "jakey people laugh at you even without the costume" "it's the name they were laughing at" "PHILISTINES" Kung-Fu Chad shakes his fist. "can i learn the kick now" "no" "fuck" Jakey mopes and heads back to the parking lot, where Michelle is sitting on Kung-Fu Chad's overturned car with her legs crossed, drinking a juicebox. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Mighty Helo Mam outfit]

Mission 115: Pumped Up Kicks [Kung-Fu Chad]
"master you should totally teach me how to kick" "no" "fuck" "the reason i will not teach you how to kick is because i also do not know how" "WHAT YOU TOLD ME YOU DID" "oh" Kung-Fu Chad shrugs. "sorry i guess?" "where can i learn to kick" "the only man who can teach the art of kicking is my eternal rival, karate clint" "okay cool bye" "wait no don't" "why not" "he's totally busy uh coaching his uh football team" "oh well that sucks" "you should totally come to our poker game and shit" "cool when is it" Kung-Fu Chad smacks Jakey with his cane, knocking him out. Jakey comes to in a small brown room with a poker table in the middle. "oh he's awake" "come we will deal you in" Jakey sits down between Kickboxing Algernon and Kathy. "whose blind" "judo julian's" "oh cool" Judo Julian and Taekwondo Terry post their blinds, and Wrestling Raymond deals everyone their cards. "so karate clint i totally want to learn the kick" "pffff look at those cankles you wouldn't be able to kick" "come on i'll totally do your chores for a week" "deal" Jakey and Karate Clint break off from the poker game. "the secret to kicking is to move your leg like this" Karate Clint waves his leg around. "TRY IT" Jakey attempts to lift his leg, but is unable to. "hmm" Karate Clint shrugs and gives up. "fuck now i will never learn how to kick" Jakey kicks at the ground. "life is horrible" Michelle kicks the door in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/poker night t-shirt/Never Not Kicking t-shirt]

Mission 116: Flowers for Kickboxing Algernon [Kung-Fu Chad]
"jakey kickboxing algernon is totally sick" "lame" "bring these flowers to him in the hospital" "OKAY" Jakey quickly grabs the flowers, hops into The Motherfucker, and drives to the hospital. "hello what is your business here" "kathy you know kung-fu chad sent me to bring these flowers to kickboxing algernon" "i'm pretty sure i'd remember that jakey" "oh maybe i just dreamt it" Jakey chucks the flowers into the trash can. Michelle pops out of the trashcan with a bouquet of flowers in her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kickboxing Algernon t-shirt/Satan missions]

Mission 117: You Never Give Me Your Money [Satan]
"jakey it's time for your appo-" Satan stops dead in his tracks. Jakey sits at a counter, drinking a blue sludgie. "what flavour is that" "blue" "blue isn't a flavour" "yes it is" "blue is a colour" "so is orange" "..." "..." "fuck" "anyway what do you want" "you're late for your meeting with the president of the united states" "barack obama?!" "sure" Jakey quickly finishes his blue sludgie and runs outside to meet with Obama. "i am so glad you could make it jakey because i'm going to give you-" A loud bang is heard as Obama falls to the ground, blood spewing from a newly-formed wound on his chest. "why orange" "orange why" A single tear streams down Obama's cheek as he takes his last breath. "FUCK" Satan runs over to Obama's corpse. "WHAT DID YOU DO JAKEY" A single tear streams down Satan's face. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOO" "it wasn't me it was uh orange" "ORANGE" Satan shakes his fist at the air. "jakey now the league of republicans will make a bid for the presidency" "so" "whomever becomes president of the united states becomes owner of the diamonds" "but the-" "JAKEY YOU HAVE TO BECOME PRESIDENT" "but i'm canadi-" "NO ONE CARES JAKEY" "fuck off satan" "no" "fuck" Michelle pops out of the wound on Obama's chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Obama t-shirt/Bush missions]

Mission 118: Sun King [Bush]
"hello?" "hello what is your business with president bush today" "satan sent me to become president" "oh okay" Kathy unlocks the door into Bush's dojo. "h-hello sir" "oh satan told me you'd be coming come in" "i need to defeat the league of republicans forever" "you will need to defeat every one of them that isn't completely one-dimensional in what they love best in ascending order by rank" "but aren't we all one-dimensiona-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP JAKEY" Jakey sweats. "you will have to TRAIN" A training montage commences to "You're the Best", but black spoiler bars cover the screen. "YOU ARE READY MY SON" Michelle swings down from the chandelier. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Bush t-shirt/Mute and Newt Gingrich missions]

Mission 119: Mean Mr. Mustard [Mute and Newt Gingrich]
"NEWT AND MUTE GINGRICH" "that's me" "I CHALLENGE YOU TO AN INVENT-OFF" "you'll need a tagteam partner" "yeah it's only fair" "uh okay let me call my assistant" Kathy teleports in. "hello" "hello" "YOU'RE ON" Newt and Mute Gingrich begin attaching wires to a trash can with clothespins, while Jakey duct tapes an antenna to a rock and Kathy hits her thumb with a hammer. Newt Gingrich rings his bell to signify he is finished, and Jakey follows suit soon after. "who's the judge" "the most impartial man i know" "hello" Jakey shows his lantern made out of pliers, a used band-aid, a Hello Kitty lunchbox, a Hot Wheels car, and a lantern to Sheriff Antony. "what do you think" "i have no strong feelings one way or the other" "HA" Mute Gingrich proudly shows Sheriff Antony his screwdriver made out of papier mache. "what do you think" "oh wow this is great" Sheriff Antony attempts to drive a screw, and the screwdriver disintegrates. "oops" "hey that was ours" "how rude" "oh um well i guess i owe you a victoly huh" "sure" "i guess newt and mute gingrich" "that's me" "win" "fuck" Jakey hops into a time machine and replaces Newt and Mute Gingrich's papier mache screwdriver with a t-shirt that says "Ron Paul 2012". "OH SHIT THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING" Sheriff Antony admires the t-shirt's stitching. "WE HAVE A-" The t-shirt spontaneously combusts. "FUCK YOU" "b-but" "JAKEY WINS BY NOT BEING A CUNT" "a-a what" "A CUNT" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Newt Gingrich falls to the ground and rips his shirt. "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Newt Gringich looks at his hands, a single tear slowly streaming down his cheek. "what have i become" Michelle parachutes in wearing a "Ron Paul 2012" t-shirt as Newt Gingrich commits sudoku. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gingrich brothers t-shirt/Romney missions]

Mission 120: Polythene Pam [Romney]
"MITT ROMNEY" "dancing is my life" "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DANCE-OFF" "DANCING IS MY LIFE" Romney spins 180 on his heel and begins The Romney Slide. Jakey counters with a Turn 360 And Walk Away. Romney grabs onto a stool and leaps over it while doing The Romney Juke. Jakey slides underneath the stool, performing a Look At Me to get back upright. Romney does a handstand on a table and begins The Romney Twist. Jakey grabs onto a light fixture and does The Nonchalant Eyebrow Lick. Romney enters the girls' bathroom, initiating The Romney Greeting. Jakey flies a plane into Romney Tower, perfectly executing The OG Loc. Defeated, Romney falls to the ground, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "dancing is my life" Romney takes out his father's ceremonial katana and commits sudoku. Michelle exits the girls' bathroom sporting a Romney jersey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Romney t-shirt/Huntsman missions]

Mission 121: She Came in Through the Bathroom Window [Huntsman]
"JON HUNTSMAN" "hello" "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A PEANUT-EATING CONTEST" "FUCK YES" Huntsman grabs a bowl of Japanese Barman's Famous Peanuts and shoves them all into his face. Jakey grabs a jar of peanut butter and swallows it whole. "PEANUT BUTTER IS FOR CASUALS" "but it's tasty" "HAVE FUN WITH YOUR NOFLAVUOR RROD CASUAL WAGGLEFEST" "i will" "SPOON HAS SHITTY CONTROLS" "okay" "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW SHIT YOUR TASTE IS; PEANUTS MASTERRACE" "but if peanuts are so good why do you steal them" ">PAYING FOR PEANUTS" Huntsman holds up a picture of Link. "HEY BRO THE FOODS SALES CHART IS OUT" "OH FUCK" Huntsman looks at the sales chart, and sees that peanuts has only sold four copies. "CASUAAAAAAALS" Huntsman bursts into treats. Michelle slowly rises up right next to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Huntsman t-shirt/Ron Paul missions]

Mission 122: Golden Slumbers [Ron Paul]
"RON PAUL" "what's up dog" "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A GETTING THE DIAMONDS CONTEST" "but that's not fair; you already have the diamonds" "I WIN" "but i never-" "NEXT PERSON" "but-" "NEXT PERSON" Michelle stares longingly into Ron Paul's eyes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ron Paul t-shirt/Robert Truckdriver Prime missions]

Mission 123: Carry That Weight [Robert Truckdriver Prime]
"ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER PRIME" "Hello" "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A GETTING THE BRICK CONTEST" "I Saw What You Did To Ron Paul Jakey That's Totally Not Fair" "it's not my fault that you both singlemindedly focus on obtaining an object in my posession" "But-" "NOW I HAVE DEFEATED ALL OF THE LEAGUE OF REPUBLICANS" ">He Thinks He Has Defeated The Entire League Of Republicans" Robert Truckdriver Prime holds up a picture of Link. "but-" "You Still Haven't Defeated Our Leader" "who's-" "You Will Find Out By Following The Marker On Your Radar" "fuck" Michelle holds up a picture of Costanza. ">2011 >not taking me home"
[reward: respect +/Robert Truckdriver Prime t-shirt/Japanese Barman missions]